Harvey Tallbanger and Daniel Craig

April 26, 2019 at 10:29 pm (Espionage, Film, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

After his successful spying mission at the Vladivostok Summit between Vladimir Putin and King Jong-un, the 6 foot 8 invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger returned to London.

He went to the Hare and Hound Pub.

Standing inside the doorway of the Hare and Hound Pub was the stuffed original Hound of The Baskervilles who had been found a few years ago.

“I see the hound but where’s the hare?” Harvey Tallbanger asked as he sat up at the bar.

“You know, I’m sick of people asking me that…” the pubkeeper looked up from behind the bar and stopped, “Say, who’s there?”.

“Harvey Tallbanger,” the 6 foot 8 bunny rabbit replied, “I’m invisible. But I do have money to pay.”

The rabbit brought visible British £ currency out of his invisible blue denim coveralls.

“Oh God, I’ve gone insane!” The pubkeeper said.

“No, you haven’t,” Harvey flashed his most attractive invisible smile, “if you were, you’d be in the Oval Office right now with one hand smoothing down your ridiculous looking toupee and your other hand with its finger on the nuclear button when it isn’t busy tweeting on Twitter.”

“What will you have, my invisible friend?” The pubkeeper asked.

“A Tequila Sunrise, please,” the pooka answered.

The pubkeeper made a tequila sunrise and handed it to the tall bunny rabbit.

Actor Daniel Craig and actress Naomie Harris entered the pub.

“Oh, wow, James Bond and Miss Moneypenny!” Harvey exclaimed, “My hero and my heroine!”.

“Who was that?” The acting duo asked at the same time.

“Don’t mind him,” the pubkeeper answered, “He’s invisible.”

Bond and Miss Moneypenny (as Harvey thought of them) both ordered pints of the local draft.

“What?” Harvey was incredulous, “No martini shaken not stirred?”.

“That’s only in the movies,” Daniel Craig answered.

“How disappointing fiction is from reality,” Harvey remarked as he sat next to the poster of Claude Rains as The Invisible Man.

“Isn’t there any way people can see you?” Naomie Harris asked.

“My creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher informs me that if people drink a Harvey Wallbanger, they can see me,” the pooka replied.

“What’s in a Harvey Wallbanger?” Craig asked.

“1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 3 ounces of orange juice and half an ounce of Galliano,” Harvey replied.

“I should try making one of those,” the pubkeeper remarked and proceeded to do just that.

“So after Bond 25, you’ll be sailing off into the 007 sunset,” Harvey said over his sunrise.

“I will indeed,” Craig admitted.

“Howdy, Bartender,” a man with a Texas drawl entered the pub.

“Oh no,” the pubkeeper shook his head, “The idiot who keeps asking me the same question day after day.”

“Say, bartender,” the Texan pointed towards the stuffed Hound of The Baskervilles, “for a place called The Hare and Hound, I can see the hound but where’s the hare?”.

“Try one of these,” the pubkeeper placed a Harvey Wallbanger in front of the Texan.

The Texan took a few sips of the Wallbanger and then pointed at Harvey sitting on the other side of the bar, “It’s the hare. It’s the hare.”

“What?” Daniel Craig and Naomie Harris both looked in the direction of the invisible entity.

“It’s my shiny locks,” the bunny rabbit flashed an invisible grin to Daniel Craig, Naomie Harris and the pubkeeper, “and all because I use Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 26th
2019.


Miss Moneypenny had many adventures in life and someday she’d meet an invisible bunny rabbit.

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Wilkie The Cat As James Bond: A Poem

March 4, 2017 at 4:51 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Humour, Literature, Plays, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Wilkie the Cat was assigned to play James Bond
even though his fur was far too blonde
so Wilkie made the transition from stage to film
His Bondish image stamped on mugs fresh from the kiln
But all that pottery went to pot
those martinis hit too much the spot

Wilkie showed up in front of the cameras thoroughly sloshed
and made a mess of those upper class British parties quite posh
Those aristocratic estates will never be the same
as asses go, Wilkie was a first-rate pain

Mitzi was assigned to play the Bond girl
she thought she’d give the role a whirl
her acting was great
her sex appeal first rate
but Wilkie was loaded to the gills in every scene
and among the cast, only Sean Connery was serene
he was assigned a role considered cameo
and ended up fair Juliet’s Romeo
in the Shakespeare scene
among England’s hills so green

Wilkie the Cat was given the axe
thrown out on his ass along with his snacks
Mitzi left the studios in shame
she’d not enjoy Bond girls’ fame

Daniel Craig was called back to play the role
and Connery listened to music- a little soul
Said Sean to Dan who was quite his fan,
“I think we can safely say in the case of Wilkie the Cat,
Never again! will be the slogan on any future Bond director’s mat.”

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Sunday March 4th
2017

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Haiku About James Bond 007

September 10, 2013 at 6:01 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

The dashing James Bond

martinis shake women stirred

a license to thrill

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Jack O’ Hare On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

November 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

He was a bunny
with no money
but he was cool
and not a fool
so he was hired on Her Majesty’s Secret Service
reporting to a man by the name of Purvis
who loved his secretary’s round curvis
also loved by Theo-Dan
and many a breastfeeding fan
but back to our hero Jack
and not the luxurious rack.
Jack went out in search of Dr. No
mad scientist on the go
when No became Yes
oh what a mess
come to the test
it’s certainly the best
take your eyes off that breast
and focus on Jack
not that rack
Jack’s our hero
no Agent Zero
but Double 0 Eleven
next to Bond’s 007
he likes his carrot juice shaken not stirred
his bow tie attire seldom preferred
save by a nerd.
When Goldfinger raised his finger
Jack did not linger
but to the tune of modern pop singer
punched that lunatic a real zinger
and put him through the ringer.
Pussy Galore was certainly no bore
Jack for one certainly didn’t snore
and whipping out his big stick
he evened the score.
Sean Connery was Jack’s mate
outside the gate
that saved the world’s fate
for Bunny and Man
they did have a plan
whenever the world’s shit
used to hit the fan.

-A poem about Jack O’ Hare
the bunny rabbit known as Double 0 Eleven
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
written by Christopher Van Helsing
Thursday evening November 10th 2011.

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