The Children of Hecate

March 13, 2022 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee visits a local community college and its Hall of Fame

World-famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee was walking down the street when he saw a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low-IQ boyfriend rushing towards a bus stop even though there was no bus approaching.

Goatee put his astral laser machete into auto boomerang mode and threw it at the uglo-moronic duo.

The machete beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

It then beheaded her moronic low-IQ boyfriend and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

As Krampus arrived on the scene to pick up the remains and take them down to Tartarus, the machete then went to a nearby Chinese laundromat to get all the blood and guck washed off it before returning to Pan Goatee as a boomerang.

The initial test for this boomerang astral laser machete was originally conducted by Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie at his Cumelita Show down in Sydney, Australia.

That test was an initial disaster resulting in the beheadings and deaths of hundreds of Uncle Ernie’s paying customers who were sitting in the audience.

The machete was wisely given to a German aeronautics firm who used their German aerodynamic skills to make the astral laser machete into the weapon that it is today.

As opposed to whatever Uncle Ernie’s bumbling Australian “what the Hell is he doing skills?” would have turned it into.

Later as Pan Goatee was enjoying a Big Mac and Diet Coke inside a McDonald’s, his enjoyment was interrupted by a thin ugly looking stoat and her two ugly looking offspring entering the restaurant section where he was sitting.

Goatee beheaded the slim ugly looking stoat uglo and her two ugly looking offspring and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each while commenting, “To think all this pre-emptive strike action was brought about by the Austro-Hungarian Augustinian monk Gregor Johann Mendel and his ground breaking genetic research into garden peas.”

“I wonder if Mendel’s peas left such a mess behind on the floor?” A customer commented as he watched all the blood and body parts gathering on the floor prior to Krampus’ arrival.

“They would have if he was diabetic,” Jarod Jerome Le Gnome commented.

Meanwhile in Victoria, British Columbia, B.C.’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant NDP Premier John Horgan was insulting the B.C. Freedom Truckers’ Convoy who were planning to descend on the provincial capital in protest against the socialist despot’s draconian vaccine mandates and lockdowns.

Horgan was condescending towards his opponents like all pompous and arrogant champagne socialist despots are.

“Goodness me, get a hobby,” Horgan’s gums flapped like the wind at the world’s biggest pork and beans barbeque and chili cook-off.

Horgan had a B.C. Salmon and Wild Thistle Cream Pie thrown in his face by a Kootenay area sasquatch whose hobby was throwing B.C. Salmon and Wild Thistle Cream Pies into the faces of people who are total assholes.

Meanwhile at the Vatican, Samhain Cardinal Salaman was wondering why Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis wasn’t dead yet.

He had watched Francis drink the entire cup of Tibetan Buddhist tea with the piece of wolfsbane and the jade key to Beijing’s forbidden city in it.

He had also watched Francis eat the recipe for Uncle Ernie’s vegetarian based koala bear and kangaroo meat stew also without any noticeable side effects.

“The man must have sold his soul to the devil to withstand such poisons,” Salaman deduced.

Meanwhile Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was sitting reading a newspaper at the Yaroviv military training area in Ukraine which is about 12 miles from the Polish border and about 25 miles from the city of Lviv located in western Ukraine.

Among the headlines Yaldabaoth read was “Barack Obama Says He Tested Positive For Covid-19”.

Interesting, Yaldabaoth mused.

This was followed by another headline that read, “Justin Trudeau Says He Tested Positive For Syphilis”.

Very interesting, Yaldabaoth mused again.

Suddenly the Yaroviv military base was struck by 30 missiles fired by Russian warplanes flying over the Black and Azov Seas.

Yaldabaoth dropped a load- Joe Biden style- when the attack hit.

“Thank God you shit green and not brown,” the ghost of W.C. Fields remarked as he was playing a game of golf in the area.

The ghost of Orson Welles meanwhile sat in his arm chair in the living room of the Set Mansion in London.

He read some recent history.

“In early 2013 Jen Psaki, when she was spokesperson for the Hillary Clinton State Department, was asked about secret plans for a proposed coup d’etat against the then government of Ukraine.
A year later the Obama Administration, with the support of George Soros’ financing, helped set up the new anti-Russia government of Ukraine.”

“In 2015, it was revealed that George Soros had spent hundreds of millions of dollars in Ukraine and had planted special operatives throughout the country.
This was not done to make Ukraine an independent and sovereign nation state (since Soros hates independent and sovereign nation states) but to make Ukraine an invioable part of the New World Order proposed by Klaus Schwab’s World Economic Forum.”

“Then in 2017, Neo-Con Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain travelled to Ukraine and promised top military leaders that “the U.S. would give them everything they need to go to war against Vladimir Putin.”

Welles’ ghost organized the scene in his mind.

3 witches (children of Hecate) on a Scottish heath are transported to Ukraine.

Jen Psaki along with Lindsey Graham and John McCain in drag are the 3 witches.

“When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning or in rain?”.

“When the hurly-burly’s done,
when the battle’s lost and won.”

“That will be ere the set of sun.”

“Where the place?”.

“Upon the heath.”

“There to meet with MacPutin.”

While Welles’ ghost meditated upon and directed the scene in his mind,
British MP Renfield R. Renfield entered the room and announced, “Did you know that Renfield was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written Sunday March 13th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Beheads A Couple of More Uglos Plus Their Moronic Low-IQ Boyfriends

February 25, 2022 at 10:03 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

World-famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee celebrating Chinese New Year earlier this month

All Hell seemed to have broken out this week.

Uglos were making a bleak mid-winter appearance in Calgary.

The price of gasoline was hitting an all time high.

And Russia had invaded Ukraine.

The serial killing gnome Jarod Jerome Le Gnome and his friend Pan Goatee seemed to be enjoying their bus ride.

So far no uglos had got on the bus they were riding.

Then about 3 stops before they were about to get off an uglo got on.

Then she decided to get off at the next stop and like all obnoxious and inconsiderate uglos she used the door closest to Jarod Jerome and Pan.

Jarod Jerome immediatly went and punched the uglo 999 trillion times in the face.

Pan Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

A Confucius lookalike sitting on the bus used his fingers at lightning speed to keep track of each punch and each cut on his abacus.

Jarod and Pan had to use a bus door two doors down to get off because of the mess made where the now beheaded and dismembered uglo had tried to get off.

Krampus the demon goat of Hell carried the uglo’s remains down to Tartarus.

A three-headed Godzilla (who was filling in for a now deceased three headed snake who was filling in for a sick on his deathbed three headed dog Cerberus at the entrance to the realm of Hades) committed hara-kiri when Krampus came by with the uglo’s remains.

“Shit there goes another one,” Hades the Greek god of the Underworld remarked when he heard what happened to the realm’s latest guardian and watcher.

“Actually there goes another three,” Persephone the Greek goddess of the Underworld pointed out as she threw an ancient Greek drachma coin up into the air and it landed heads.

Jarod Jerome Le Gnome and Pan Goatee then headed in the direction of a nearby McDonald’s where they would buy themselves each a Big Mac and a Diet Coke.

As they approached, they were visually assaulted by the sight of a super repulsively ugly looking high school girl and her two moronic looking low-IQ high school boyfriends.

“I’ll never be able to think of the term menage a trois ever again without barfing all over the place,” Goatee remarked as he barfed all over the place.

As Goatee was busy barfing all over the place, Jarod Jerome Le Gnome punched the repulsive looking high school uglo in the face 999 trillion times.

When Goatee was sufficiently barfed out, he beheaded the high school uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Krampus the demon goat carried the uglo’s remains down to Tartarus while singer Frankie Avalon sang a paraphrased version of a song from the musical Grease- this paraphrased version being “Uglo school drop down…”

A three-headed scorpion (temporarily filling in as the guardian and protector of the Realm of Hades) stung itself to death as Krampus walked by with the high school uglo’s remains.

Jarod Jerome Le Gnome then punched the two high school morons in the face 999 trillion times each for being such idiots with appalling bad taste.

Goatee then beheaded the two morons as he commented, “It’s idiots like you who probably vote for the likes of Joe Biden and Justin Trudeau.”

He then cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

. . .

Over in Ukraine the ghosts of the ancient Trojans (led by the ghost of Prince Hector of Troy) were fighting on the side of the Ukrainians while the ghosts of the ancient Greeks (led by King Agamemnon of Mycenae) were fighting on the side of the Russians.

An interesting development occurred when the ghost of Iphigenia managed to escape her father King Agamemnon’s 2nd sacrifice of her to Artemis.

King Agamemnon was planning to sacrifice his daughter’s ghost to Artemis with a little help from spirit cook Marina Abramovic.

Iphigenia was so ticked at her father trying to sacrifice her to Artemis for a second time that she resolved to fight on the side of the Trojans and the Ukrainans.

The ghost of Hector was delighted to have Iphigenia as an ally.

He asked his younger sister Cassandra to become her friend.

The ghosts of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud watched Iphigenia’s introduction to Cassandra.

“I wonder who Apollo the Greek god of prophecy,” Jung pondered, “will prophesy to win the Ukraine-Russia War?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 25th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Beheads World’s 2nd and 3rd Fattest and Ugliest Fat Ugly Blimps

February 24, 2022 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Calgary’s blizzardy winter weather conditions had brought out the fat ugly blimps for some reason causing aesthetic environmental crusader Pan Goatee to once again come to the rescue.

The gnome serial killer known as Jarod Jerome Le Gnome noticed the fat ugly blimp as he got on the bus.

Thus he went and sat in another section of the bus so he didn’t have to look at the repulsive uglo.

However the obnoxious and inconsiderate fat ugly blimp instead of using the door closest to her to get off the bus walked to the back of the bus to get off so Pan Goatee and Jarod Jerome Le Gnome were once again forced to take a look at her fat ugly face.

Jarod Jerome Le Gnome then went up and punched her in the face 999 trillion times.

Pan Goatee brought out his trusty and trusted astral laser machete and beheaded the fat ugly blimp before cutting her up into 999 trillion pices.

Krampus the demon goat arrived to take the fat ugly blimp’s remains down to Tartarus.

A three headed snake who was filling in for Cerberus (who had become indisposed recently) bit itself and died from its own venom when it caught a glimpse of the fat ugly blimp’s remains.

Later at a Rona Hardware Supply Store, Pan Goatee caught a glimpse of yet another fat ugly blimp.

Once again he beheaded this fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee noted that with so many fat ugly blimps suddenly making appearances in the last 24 hours that “Now is the winter of our discontent.”

. . .

The ghost of Prince Hector of Troy walked the streets of Kiev as in the distance he could see flashes as Russian missiles hit Kiev’s Boryspil International Airport.

Prince Hector and the ghosts of his fellow Trojans were fighting on the side of Ukraine.

King Agamemnon and his League of Ancient Homeric Greek Kings were fighting on the side of Russia.

Ulysses in addressing the League proposed building a Wooden Pierogi and leaving it outside the Kiev City Gates for Kiev citizens to let in.

Agamemnon said there were no City Gates around Kiev.

Indeed there were not.

And Hector noticed his old arch enemy Achilles standing across the street on the other side of Maidan Square.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday February 24th
2022.

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Pan Goatee Beheads World’s Fattest and Ugliest Fat Ugly Blimp

February 23, 2022 at 11:03 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee the down to earth and very much above water Jacques Cousteau of the early 21st Century: The environmentalist hero who punishes those who pollute the aesthetic environment of planet Earth

Even some of the greatest and mightiest demons of Hell cannot stand the sight of fat ugly blimps.

That is especially the case with the demon Asmodeus the demon of lust who’s mentioned in the Book of Tobit.

Asmodeus being a demon with exceptionally good taste (unlike the demons Baal, Baphomet, Mammon and Moloch) only lusted after beautiful women.

He certainly didn’t lust after ugly women.

And he especially didn’t lust after the ugliest of ugly women- fat ugly blimps (unlike Sheldon Cooper the brainless self-proclaimed genius with incredibly bad taste in women on The Big Bang Theory).

Thus after having gone off on a bender with his buddy Nimrod the little green frog in Reykjavik Iceland, the two had become separated.

Asmodeus to his huge misfortune had wound up in the City of Calgary- a city well known for its quite repulsively ugly women.

Especially many of the white women.

Calgary’s ugly white women certainly shot the Nazi and Ku Klux Klan theory of white supremacy all to Hell.

Nimrod the little green frog was far more lucky.

He wound up in the town of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan where he was currently sipping Mai Tais and Pina Coladas and relaxing in the waters of the Temple Gardens Mineral Health Spa and discussing Fox Mulder, The X-Files, Steve Martin and Burton Cummings with Japanese tourists.

Asmodeus suddenly found himself boarding a Calgary Transit bus.

As the cigarette smoking demon of lust told a reporter afterwards,

“After the world’s fattest and ugliest fat ugly blimp was so obnoxious and inconsiderate as to board a Calgary transit bus this afternon sickening people with the sheer repulsiveness of her fat ugly definitely facially aesthetically challenged face not to mention making it difficult for people to walk down the aisle to get by the fat cow as the fat cow took up the entire space of the bus aisle from one end to the other.
No doubt this fat uglo is single handedly responsible for all the shortages of groceries on Calgary’s store shelves rather than the Freedom Convoy truckers’ blockade on the Coutts Alberta/Sweetgrass Montana Canada U.S. border.”

The demon Asmodeus then went into cardiac arrest after seeing such a fat ugly blimp of a woman and had to be rushed to Peter Lougheed Hospital.

While there a Dr. Andrew Cuomo (who looked suspiciously like the former Governor of New York State) diagnosed Asmodeus with Covid and sent him to recover in Buckingham Palace in the same bedroom as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

A gnome called Jarod Jerome Le Gnome (who served in the Last Days Army of Gnomes and Leprechauns being trained by Chiron the centaur) was so offended by the world’s fattest and ugliest fat ugly blimp not wearing a paper bag over her head when she went out in public that he punched the obese uglo in her fat ugly face 999 trillion times.

The finishing touches were administered by world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee who beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Krampus the demon goat of Hell arrived on the scene who then carried the fat ugly blimp’s remains down to Tartarus in Hell.

All of Cerberus’ 3 heads started vomiting non-stop when Krampus walked by with ultra-fatso ultra-uglo’s remains.

Hades sent Cerberus up to Earth until he stopped vomiting.

Cerberus went to Justin Trudeau’s residence in Ottawa where the three heads continued to vomit.

In an effort to get Cerberus to leave, Justin Trudeau promised to revoke and drop the Emergencies Act.

Thus Cerberus and his three vomiting heads had managed to (at least temporarily) restore freedom and democracy to Canada.

. . .

The ghost of King Agamemnon of Mycenae was walking the streets of Kiev Ukraine.

Agamemnon’s ghost would be fighting on the side of the Russians should the Russians invade Kiev.

For the ghost of Prince Paris of Troy had come to possess the body of a human looking AI robot (invented by one of Elon Musk’s top scientists Tesla Thoth Merlin) and that Prince Paris possessed AI had kidnapped Russian President Vladimir Putin’s favourite mistress and brought her to Kiev.

Agamemnon had once again foolishly slain a deer sacred to Artemis as he walked in some woods not far from Kiev.

As such he must once again sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia this time in spirit form.

As such he had hired spirit cook Marina Abramovic to help him out on this one.

Clytemnestra was once again plotting the murder of her husband Agamemnon this time in the spirit realm.

Agamemnon’s daughter Electra was currently ghost writing a book called Daddy Dearest.

And Agamemnon’s son Prince Orestes was currently discussing healthy father/son relationships with Dr. Phil and the late Prince Hamlet of Denmark.

Meanwhile the ghost of Prince Hector of Troy was being brought in to fight on the Ukrainian side should the Russians invade Kiev.

The question that now loomed on everyone’s mind was, would the ghost of Achilles be brought in to fight on the side of the Russians?

As for the ghost of Achilles, he was sitting in a nightclub in Casablanca drowning his sorrows.

When suddenly a woman in a white dress and white hat walked in through the door.

“Why,” Achilles asked himself, “of all the gin joints in all the world did she have to walk into this one?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 23rd
2022.

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