The Hound of The Baskervilles and The Temple Mount

November 13, 2017 at 7:23 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Hound of The Baskervilles and The Temple Mount

60 years ago, the stuffed body of the original Hound of the Baskervilles had been stolen from the Sherlock Holmes Museum at 221B Baker Street, London.

Today Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley Private Eyes were walking the streets of the city of Jerusalem.

The two men were not on a case but rather holidaying.

They had not been hired on a case since they had located the Vampiric Knights-Templar for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

The two men decided to go walk around the area of the Temple Mount (known to Muslims as the Haram al-Sharif) even though it was not legal for non-Muslims to do so.

However both men, being former British Members of Parliament, were naturally ignorant of the law.

Fortunately on this Monday approaching mid-November, the Temple Mount was not very busy and no one noticed the two men brazenly walking about.

“Look there,” Magog pointed to Agathor.

“What is it?” Agathor stuffed some snuff up his nose and sneezed.

“It’s the stuffed (as in taxidermically embalmed) body of an extremely large black dog,” Magog was astounded.

“So it is,” Agathor put on his monocle and took a look at the stuffed dead beast, “I have to whole heartedly agree.”

“I’ve seen that body before,” said Magog.

“You have?” Asked an astounded Agathor who was starting to wonder if his private eye partner had some rather unusual sexual proclivities.

“Yes, last week I was browsing through a 60-year-old LIFE magazine in my doctor’s office,” Magog explained, “and I came across an article about how the stuffed body of the original Hound of The Baskervilles was stolen from the Sherlock Holmes Museum at 221B Baker Street in London 60 years ago this week. They had a photo of the stolen item. With my photographic memory and my brilliant powers of Sherlockian reasoning, I deduce the hound in that 60-year-old photo and the one lying dead and stuffed here are one and the same.”

“Your doctor 👨‍⚕️ keeps 60 year old magazines in the waiting room of his office?” Agathor’s monocle popped off his eye in astonishment.

“Of course he’s Scottish,” Magog nodded, “and extremely tight at saving his pennies. He doesn’t really have anything new in his office. One deputy Chancellor of the Exchequer fell down the toilet 🚽 using that office’s antiquated piece of plumbing and hasn’t been seen since.”

“Amazing,” Agathor’s monocle fogged up.

“I say we better get this Hound of the Baskervilles off the Temple Mount and back to Britain 🇬🇧 as soon as possible,” Magog picked up the head end of the dog.

Agathor was left to pick up the rear end of the dog.

They carried the hound’s body off the Temple Mount while Magog Rhys Petley sang that old Patti Page song, “How much is that doggie in the window…?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 13th
2017.

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The Norse Wolf Fenrir Visits Israel

July 26, 2017 at 3:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Norse wolf Fenrir looked at the Rolex watch on his paw and realized that the Battle of Ragnarok wasn’t ready to begin just yet.

So he decided to go on another sightseeing tour somewhere in the world.

Today he chose Israel.

He danced with short skirted young Hebrew hotties in the most swinging nightclubs of Tel Aviv.

In Renfield R. Renfield like fashion, he had a hot fudge sundae poured over his head when he made an inappropriate pass at Wonder Woman film star Gal Gadot.

He then tried fishing in the Sea of Galilee where he didn’t have much luck catching fish either.

He stopped off in the village of Cana of Galilee where an archaeological dig was taking place.

The archaeologist was busy digging up 2000 year old bottles of wine.

Fenrir wondered what a 2000 year old bottle of wine tasted like and helped himself.

“God,” Fenrir thought to himself, “this is the best tasting wine I’ve ever tasted in my life.”

He then proceeded to drink up the other 11 excavated bottles of the 2000 year old wine.

He then stumbled his way to Jerusalem singing, “Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun, hic! for the gang’s all here…”

When he reached the Temple Mount, he wasn’t feeling so good.

So the Norse wolf Fenrir vomited all over the Temple Mount.

What came out in the flow of vomit was the undigested head of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft) that he had eaten a few months earlier.

As Fenrir stumbled his way in search of a pharmacy to cure his hang-over, he left the head behind on the Temple Mount.

Palestinians heading for prayer on the Haram al-Sharif were angry when they saw the head of Hecate and shouted towards a group of Jews praying at the Western Wall, “You’ve desecrated our place of prayer by dumping this head here.”

The Jews angrily responded, “What do you mean? Cutting people’s heads off is a Muslim thing. That is when you’re not busy blowing yourselves up and blowing up other people in the process. We don’t do severed heads. Our weapons are Uzis, tanks, missiles and planes.”

The exchange sparked more violence and another day of rioting.

Such was the climate to be found in the City of Peace.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 26th
2017.

Gal Gadot
Gal Gadot: Poured hot fudge sundae over the all paws and awfully fresh Norse wolf Fenrir.

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The Creature From Outer Space

December 9, 2016 at 4:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Creature From Outer Space

The creature from outer space who had arrived on Earth on Pearl Harbor Day was now staying in a 5-star hotel in Jerusalem. He had a room with an excellent view of the Temple Mount.

He was feeling somewhat famished after his long journey across the universe.

God (and also the Devil) knows he wasn’t as young as he used to be, the billions of years old creature thought to himself.

Yep, he was hungry all right.

But what he liked to eat would probably draw attention to himself if he went out.

So he decided to order in.

After sitting at a computer and hacking his way into a Cayman Islands bank account, he made a billion dollar donation to the Clinton Foundation.

In return, Planned Parenthood (one of Hillary’s biggest supporters) flew in a bunch of aborted foetuses and special delivered them to the demonic creature’s room for him to eat.

After eating 33 score and six foetuses, the demonic creature burped contentedly and went on to his next order of business- destroying some Muslim mosques that sat inconsiderately on top of the Temple Mount.

Whoever was now the owner of Solomon’s Ring had summoned him from his place at the far edges of the Universe to come and rebuild Solomon’s Temple.

Trouble is that there were currently Muslim mosques sitting atop the site so they’d have to be gotten rid of.

What was the signal sent out into space at lesser demonic speed to summon him to Earth to start rebuilding Solomon’s Temple?

It was what Howard Cosell might have called The Blasphemy On The Basilica had he still been alive.

For on December 8th (the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary) 2015, a New Age light show worshipping the goddess known as Gaia and showing a bunch of demonically possessed looking animals had been cast on to the pillars of Saint Peter’s Basilica to mark the beginning of Pope Francis’ Jubilee Year of Mercy.

Now the Jubilee Year of Mercy was over.

And the period of an unusual form of Justice was about to begin.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 8th
2016.

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Putin and Our Lady of Kazan

October 4, 2016 at 2:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Putin and Our Lady of Kazan

Russian President Vladimir Putin was watching replays of the Donald Trump-Hillary Clinton debates on a television screen in a room in the Kremlin.

He thought he heard portraits of Ivan The Terrible, Peter The Great and Josef Stalin sing Tomorrow Belongs To Me (from the musical Cabaret) while the debate was on.

A map of Russia on the wall joined in the singing.

One of his aides approached the Russian leader.

“Comrade President?” his aide interrupted.

“What is it, Dmitri?” Putin inquired.

“An incident happened at one of our military bases in Syria,” his aide whispered.

“What sort of incident?” Putin asked.

“An icon of Our Lady of Kazan that hung in the base’s headquarters was stolen,” the aide (and former atheistic Marxist) looked grim.

“Stolen?” Putin blinked, “By whom? ISIS terrorists hoping to desecrate it?”.

“No, Comrade President,” his aide shook his head, “that’s the thing. It was stolen by Israeli commandos.”

“Israeli commandos?” Putin was incredulous.

“Yes, Comrade President,” his aide looked equally shocked.

. . .

In Jerusalem, a pre-eminent rabbi, who was best known in Israeli society for wanting to rebuild the Jewish temple on the Temple Mount, bowed before an image of Azazel who was mentioned in the Qumran Enochian literature and some medieval Jewish writings as being a demon.

The rabbi (who was viewed by most of his fellow Israelis as a promoter of hatred) sprinkled the ashes of a burnt icon at the feet of Azazel.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 1st
2016.

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A Night At The Observatory

October 5, 2015 at 7:48 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Religion, Science, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

A Night At The Observatory

At the Palomar Astronomical Observatory in Southern California, astronomer Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum was looking through one of the telescopes.

He suddenly stopped in his tracks when he noticed something unusual flying through the heavens.

The object looked like images one saw of UFOs.

Yet the object was as clear as day (or at least as clear as this night was) .

There also seemed to be lights flashing on the UFO.

Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum, who had a background in U.S. Naval Intelligence, recognized the pattern in the flashing of the lights as a type of Morse code.

He quickly grabbed a pencil and paper and jotted down the message sent to him by the UFO in deep space.

When he had finished, the message read, ADONAI Was Not Who He Claimed To Be.

Adonai?

Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum bit the eraser at the end of his pencil.

Wasn’t that one of the Hebrew names for God? he asked himself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 4th
2015.

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Netanyahu: When ET’s Friend Phones You Not Home

October 3, 2015 at 6:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Netanyahu: When ET’s Friend Phones You Not Home

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was sitting in the back of a diplomatic limousine in Manhattan after having delivered a passionate speech at the UN General Assembly in New York City.

At his side was the Mossad agent known as the Controller of The Golem.

The phone in the limousine rang.

The Prime Minister looked at the number.

He recognized the number of the U.S. National Security Council in Washington D.C.

“Hello,” the Prime Minister of Israel picked up the receiver.

“Mr. Prime Minister, this is a friend,” the voice said, “you must give up all control over the Temple Mount and East Jerusalem itself.”

“Who is this?” The Israeli Prime Minister demanded to know.

“And you must give up all control over the West Bank,” the voice said, “We know this was part of the land promised to you by The Lord God of Israel but he’s just an extraterrestrial- an astronaut from another world – He’s not the Supreme Creator of the Universe. We have the evidence to prove it which we will share with you at a future date. But in the meantime don’t hold on to the Temple Mount, East Jerusalem and settlement areas in the West Bank areas as if they were part of some divine mandate.”

“Who is this?” The Prime Minister was furiously angry.

The phone clicked.

And went dead.

The Prime Minister looked over at the Controller of The Golem.

“It was probably a hacker/prankster with a really bad sense of humour, Mr. Prime Minister,” the Controller assured him, “one who’s watched one too many episodes of that American TV program Ancient Aliens.”

“Maybe,” the Prime Minister looked thoughtful, “or maybe something much more sinister.”

Outside the limousine, some New York City doomsayer held up a placard that bore a verse from II Thessalonians Chapter 2, “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie.” -II Thessalonians 2: 11.

A billboard across the street read, “God was just an astronaut.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 1st
2015.

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Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa

September 10, 2015 at 5:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her silk nightgown and read an email she had received from an MI-6 Agent whose code name was Diablos Nocturna.

She had never met Diablos Nocturna in person but the two had met on-line and had discovered they both had a mutual enemy.

They agreed to share information.

Diablos had sent her a copy of a report that he had received from an Israeli Mossad agent whose code name was The Controller of The Golem.

The report chronicled the movements of a Kraken sized octopus who was skateboarding across the state of Israel.

At his side as he skateboarded across Israel was a beautiful long haired redheaded woman who always wore the most elegant evening dresses and who had the ability to glide inches above the ground as she walked.

The Kraken and the redhead were first spotted at a global courier delivery service in downtown Tel Aviv where the woman arranged to have a dozen shopping bags couriered to her penthouse apartment in London.

They then went up to the Sea of Galilee at the woman’s insistence so that she could walk on water up there.

“I’m giving these people something they haven’t seen in 2000 years,” she said to the Kraken as tourists hastily took pictures with their smart phones.

A divinity professor at Yale who thought all of Christ’s miracles were strictly symbolic and that nobody could actually walk on water died of a heart attack when his daughter emailed him the picture.

He couldn’t fathom the thought of having to revise all his theories and revise all those textbooks he had written.

They then went to Cana of Galilee where the Kraken, wanting to upstage the redhead’s miracle of walking on water, tried to turn pitchers of water into lager beer at an American biker’s outdoor motorcycle wedding.

When the attempted miracle failed abysmally, the Kraken found himself being pursued by a group of angry tattooed motorcycle gang members and their equally angry tattooed brides.

The redhead who called herself Medusa had wisely ascended into the sky and headed off to Jerusalem before the Kraken had even attempted his water into beer wedding miracle.

She had recently seen the Kraken attempt to pull a rabbit out of a silk hat at a Mafia wedding in Sicily and when he had pulled out the local Mafia don’s mistress’ personally monogrammed panties instead, that had not gone over so well.

The Kraken jumped on his skateboard and headed out of town just before sunset as the Hell’s Angels followed on hot pursuit on their motorcycles.

“I don’t recall this ever happening in Lady Gaga’s music video about Judas,” were the Kraken’s last words as he skated past the sign that said You Are Now Leaving Cana of Galilee.

. . .

The redheaded Medusa’s descent on to the Temple Mount on August 27th 2015 (on the 40th Anniversary of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie’s death in Addis Ababa) frightened away both Orthodox Jewish wailer at the Western Wall and Muslim worshipper on the Temple Mount alike paving the way for the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI to skateboard on to the Temple Mount on his skateboard bearing the image of former Rastafarian Bob Marley.

The report from the Controller of the Golem that Qonzilqointec was reading bore the notation that the Controller had been immediately summoned by the Office of the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu to report immediately to a West Jerusalem police station to take a sobriety test.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 27th
2015.

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Phoenix On The Temple Mount On The 9th of Av

July 25, 2015 at 8:55 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Phoenix On The Temple Mount On The 9th of Av

A Phoenix unseen to the human eye
seen only by those with spiritual vision
this Phoenix lived a happy life on Mount Fuji, Japan
but now was its time to die
It would return to its rocky home in the sands of Arabia
Build itself a pyre nest of aromatic branches
and then cover it with the spice of myrrh
Then throw on some frankincense
and set it on fire
And then consume itself in the flames.
So like the salmon returning to the streams of its birth in British Columbia in order to spawn, so the Phoenix would return to the sands of its birth in Arabia in order to die.
The Phoenix sang a happy song as it flew west
away from its adopted land of the rising sun
to a land far closer to the setting sun
as it neared the sunset of its own life
A song as sung by one expectant to reach Paradise
It was flying home to its terrestrial home
to serve as the gate of entry to its celestial home
As it neared the Arabian Peninsula, it wept tears of joy
but those watery eyes would soon be overcome by rings of smoke
caused by the fires of war burning below
and those tears of joy turned to tears of mourning as it noticed its rocky home had been destroyed by missiles
caused by the bloodbath whose whirlpools flowed between Yemeni Houthi rebel and Saudi soldier
It flew further west still
searching for a new place to die
The Bird of Paradise
overcome by the visions of Tartarus playing out on the surface of the earth below
It flew until it could fly no more
Its heart tried to keep beating until it could beat no more
its song of joy a distant tune whose melody was rapidly being forgotten
The bird dropped down
and down
and down
And fell on top of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem
on this 9th of Av in the Hebrew lunar year 5775
The Gregorian solar calendar date of July 25th 2015.
For one brief shining moment
this beautiful rainbow coloured feather giant bird
stood proudly up on its feet
spread its wings
and sang out its cry
a cry of despair across the universal sky
Tears of blood fell from its eyes
and poured down its body
and then it fell to the ground
and died.
No human eye could see the fierce fire that burned on the Temple Mount.

-A narrative free verse poem
written by Christopher
Saturday July 25th
2015.

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Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

May 31, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

U.S. President Barack Obama slept at his desk in the Oval Office while his teddy bear that he named Maxwell Smart Jr. whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

. . .

Meanwhile in the Iranian holy city of Qom, Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel (who had since been turned into a frog as a result of a vampiric kiss gone awry) whispered satanic somethings in the ear of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as Iran’s Supreme Leader slept.

. . .

As Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan strolled into his gold plated and mirror ceilinged bedroom, he was startled to see the beautiful and sexy ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith standing there in a very low-cut silk nightgown.

As he gazed at this vision, he secretly hoped that what an Islamic televangelist in Turkey (who was about as nutty as some of the so-called Christian televangelists in America) had recently said about Muslim men who masturbate excessively in this lifetime- that their hands would be eternally pregnant in the next lifetime- wasn’t true.

“I’ve come to offer you something,” Lilith approached him.

Erdogan smiled.

He just might be spared an evening that might have put his right hand in eternal maternal jeopardy.

Lilith reached under her nightgown and pulled out the crown of the Sultan of Constantinople- ruler of the Ottoman Empire.

“This I will give you,” Lilith smiled seductively, “if you will fall down and worship me.”

“I hope she’s not asking me to kiss her pussy,” Erdogan thought to himself as he heard a cat meowing from under the bed.

. . .

In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of The Golem sat in his office reading disturbing reports about recent speeches given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In a speech last week, Erdogan had called for the restoration of Ottoman rule over Jerusalem.

In a campaign speech yesterday as he campaigned on behalf of his Islamist party for next week’s Turkish parliamentary elections, Erdogan had called for the “conquering fires of Istanbul to again be lit across the world”.

Outside the Controller’s office could be heard the screeching of a night owl.

The Controller looked out his office window and noticed a raven attacking a dove within the light of a bright street lamp.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2015.

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Sangita In Jerusalem

March 18, 2015 at 6:48 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sangita In Jerusalem

Sangita Patel Douglas was in her Jerusalem home cooking dinner.

She was the wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the deputy consul at the British consulate in West Jerusalem.

Her husband had been the Scottish Nationalist Party MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills.

But after the pro-independence side had lost last year’s September 18th referendum on Scottish independence, British Prime Minister David Cameron had named her husband the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem to show there were no hard feelings.

It had been a chaotic time in the city the past few weeks with the Israeli national general election happening.

Much to the surprise of most pollsters and media pundits, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had won the election.

She had heard from her husband that the U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv had decided not to lower the embassy flag as a sign of mourning despite a directive from the White House that they do so.

She prepared the corned beef sandwiches and put them on the dinner table.

Her husband William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the family bagpiper Pan Deux (who was the spitting image of a fabled hired assassin for the U.S. government Pan Goatee since they were both genetically created by noted British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher- the difference being Pan Goatee was psycho and Pan Deux was not) joined her.

“So,” Sangita asked her husband, “why do you think Bibi won again?”.

“The Israeli people probably decided that Israel has too many enemies at the moment and they probably felt only Bibi could stand up to them,” her husband replied.

“And what have you been doing, Pan Deux?” Sangita asked the tartan kilt wearing furry goat-legged family bagpiper.

“I’m trying to compose a Scottish ballad about how a total solar eclipse at the North Pole on the first day of spring occurs only once every 100,000 years,” Pan Deux replied as he dipped his corn-beef sandwich into his porridge.

“It must be difficult finding the words for that,” Sangita passed him the brown sugar for his porridge.

“It is,” Pan Deux put the brown sugar on his porridge and then added some of Sangita’s delicious curry sauce, “I wonder how Robbie Burns would describe it.”

“He’d probably write, ‘Tis not a brae bricht moonlicht nicht tonicht’, ” her husband said which was the old Scottish way of saying “It’s not a bright moon lit night tonight.”

Outside the house, a bunny rabbit chased a frog out of the garden.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 18th
2015.

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