Pan Goatee Beheads Thin Ugly Stoat While Senile Old Fool Joe Biden Gets An Irish Manure Cream Pie In The Face
Pan Goatee seen here attending a meeting of the Calgary Welcome Wagon Society. Pan is 2nd from the left. 3rd from the left if the Big Fish is counted as a member of the Welcome Wagon Committee.
Pan Goatee had just finished getting off the bus when he noticed a thin ugly stoat getting off behind him.
Goatee had developed the following scientific classification system for female uglos:
Stoat = thin ugly woman
Gargoyle = Medium sized ugly woman
Fat Ugly Blimp = Fat Ugly Woman
Goatee hoped that the thin ugly woman would head off in the other direction.
But alas the thin ugly stoat was walking behind Pan Goatee.
So the satyr beheaded the thin ugly stoat and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
As he walked along with Krampus the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon left to pick up the pieces behind him, Pan was approached by a man with headphones and a microphone 🎤 followed by a TV cameraman 🎥.
“My good satyr,” said the man with headphones, “Did you have time for a hot breakfast this morning?”.
“No, I just had time for a toast and coffee,” Goatee admitted.
“Have you tried our instant Quaker Oats Hot Porridge?” The man with headphones asked.
“Can’t say I have,” Goatee put a bib around his neck so he wouldn’t splash while he tried the instant hot porridge that the man with headphones was offering him.
Goatee ate the bowl 🥣 of porridge 🥣.
“What do you think?” The man with headphones put the microphone 🎤 in front of the satyr while the cameraman filmed him.
“They’re gr-r-reat!” Pan answered.
“Um… I’m afraid that’s Tony the Tiger’s trademark line for Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes,” the man with headphones commented.
“Yes, but Tony the Tiger is a fag,” Pan pointed out, “I’m pretty sure that he drinks Bud Lite.”
Meanwhile Calgary’s Neo-Bolshevik Communist Mayor Jyoti Gondek was freaking out over the sight of Krampus mopping up and then vacuuming up (with a vintage antique Electrolux vacuum cleaner that was the vacuum cleaner equivalent of the TARDIS Police Phone Call Box) the remains of the thin ugly stoat.
God (or the Void) knows how loudly she would have screamed if it had been a fat ugly blimp that Goatee had beheaded and dismembered this evening.
“Hey, Ms. Gondek,” Alberta’s fat slob Fascist former Premier Jason Kenney called from the inside of his pick-up truck 🛻, “You should be thankful that you yourself are not ugly.”
The closeted overweight non-musical Liberace then hit the pedal and rode off into the pink sunset.
Meanwhile on the Internet a video was going viral.
The video was of senile old fool Joe Biden getting off the plane in Belfast Northern Ireland yesterday.
As soon as Biden got off the plane, a 6 foot 8 tall tall invisible entity (although people who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers insisted that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit) threw an Irish manure cream pie in his face.
Needless to say, the video was not shown by the brainless mainstream media on their networks.
-written Wednesday April 12th 2023.
Renfield’s January 12th 2023 ₱odcast
Renfieldian S₱eech and ₱odcast January 10th 2023
Vladimir Putin Dreams He’s In A 1920s Berlin Cabaret
And Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff was the cabaret singer that Vladimir Putin saw in the 1920s Berlin cabaret of his dreams
Russian President Vladimir Putin was dreaming that he was in a cabaret in Berlin Germany in the 1920s.
There on the stage seated on a draped sofa and wearing an incredibly sexy outfit was Vladimir Putin’s friend Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff the owner of The Catherine The Great Moscow Hilton Hotel in 2020s Moscow Russia.
Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff had just finished singing the Marlene Dietrich song Falling In Love Again (Can’t Help It) at the cabaret stage microphone.
The ghost of Orson Welles who was also in Putin’s dream (and sitting at a table across from Putin) remarked as he sipped from a bottle of Paul Masson Wine made in 1886, “I didn’t think Falling In Love Again (Can’t Help It) was written until 1930 when Marlene Dietrich first sang it in the 1930 German film The Blue Angel (or Der Blaue Engel as the Germans would say). And my antique Japanese watch tells me that we are currently in the decade of the 1920s. But thanks to Martian shortwave radio interference, I can’t tell the exact year.”
As Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff sat at the side of the stage, on the main part of the stage photographic images were starting to appear on the background mirror of the cabaret stage.
The photographic images showed Russian President Vladimir Putin making out with various high-priced call girls in The Catherine The Great Moscow Hilton Hotel in 2020s Moscow Russia.
“What the f–k!” Putin said although he said it in Russian.
Adolf Hitler who was dressed in a pair of Bavarian lederhosen and silk nylon stockings and clutching the buttocks of his niece Geli Raubal pointed at Putin and said, “Decadent schvien.”
Joe Biden (who had the Gadarene swine permanently stuck in his lower intestines) and his son Hunter (who were both surrounded by young teenaged girls in a Jeffrey Epstein choreographed ensemble) pointed at Putin and said, “Decadent schvein.”
Justin Trudeau (who was attempting to have conjugal relations with his blackfaced image in a mirror) pointed at Putin and said, “Decadent schvein.”
Meanwhile at Set Enterprises in London, Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague was watching on a computer screen as Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been inside Vladimir Putin’s dreams the past few hours and was directing what was happening inside them.
“All going well, Doctor?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked as he ate a tuna fish sandwich.
“It is,” Dr. Montague nodded, “Hopefully we’ll have convinced Vladimir Putin not to launch a nuclear attack on Ukraine or the West. Otherwise these photos will be released all over the world and not just on the background mirror of a 1920s Berlin cabaret stage.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 10th
2022.
Dr. Marmalade Montague Investigates Causes of Sulphuric Explosions
Dr. Marmalade Montague was a scientist who worked at Set Enterprises in London.
Even though he had no official background in science.
He had owned a bakery in Paris that went out of business during the 2020 plandemic lockdown under the orders of France’s Neo-Vichy tyrant Emmanuel Macron.
Still Marmalade Montague knew more about science than most of the so-called health “experts” who dispensed bad advice by the manure filled truckload during the plandemic of 2020-2021.
Dr. Marmalade Montague’s current project was investigating the causes of sulphurous explosions.
For this purpose he had sent Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who was the son of Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom) to the Yellowstone Caldera Supervolcano in Yellowstone National Park to pick up a sample of sulphurous contents bubbling up from the ground.
While Yaldabaoth was there using a baby bottle to pick up a sample from one of the bubbling craters, the crater had a major explosion.
Luckily for Yaldabaoth, being a leprechaun, he was immortal so the explosion didn’t kill him.
However it did put a dent into his plans to spend a night at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada as he could hardly go into the place smelling like rotten eggs.
The explosion did however kill a sasquatch who was walking by.
The sasquatch was currently in the process of litigation (a major lawsuit) against the man codenamed PH Unbalanced by Britain’s MI-6 Agency and the man considered the world’s most boring author.
The world’s most boring author had written a novel claiming that this sasquatch had murdered the world’s most boring sheriff’s deputy.
The claim was in fact true but what the sasquatch objected to was being written about and included as a character in a novel that was so unbelievably colossally boring.
He hadn’t been able to get a date since the novel was published as most female sasquatch and even a few gay, bisexual and transgendered sasquatch considered him too boring to date.
The sasquatch had gone to a City of Laramie Wyoming law firm to launch a lawsuit against the world’s most boring author PH Unbalanced filing the claim that “being included as a character in the world’s most boring novel written by the world’s most boring author had totally ruined his sex life”.
Now as a result of the sulphurous explosion, the sasquatch was dead.
Yaldabaoth after several months of showering would be able to have a sex life again.
The poor sasquatch being dead could not.
Dr. Marmalade Montague was also investigating the cause of Joe Biden’s sulphurous bowel movements alluded to into final (and end of life) reports written by some of the world’s late top secret agents in spy agencies.
For that, Dr. Marmalade Montague was using the visions of Michelangelo the psychic lobster.
Apparently back on January 28th 2021 (7 days after Biden was inaugurated having successfully stolen the 2020 U.S. Presidential election), senile old Joe had been invited to speak at a United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City in March of that year.
He was not to be the number one speaker however.
He was to be the number two speaker (which was appropriate for Joe).
The number one speaker was to be the well known Jewish Rastafarian and self described “independent pharmaceutical manufacturer” from Australia known by the popular moniker of Uncle Ernie (assuming of course that Uncle Ernie wouldn’t be in jail in Australia “drummed up on some nefarious charges brought against him by the government” as Uncle Ernie would put it).
The fallen archangel Mephistopheles (who was one of Joe Biden’s 3 supernatural advisors along with Baal and Baphomet) had recommended to Joe that he send someone to try to find the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and bring them to the U.S. for Joe Biden to eat the remains prior to giving his number two speech to the United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City.
The Gadarene swine of course had been possessed by the demons known as Legion and had been sent by Jesus Christ into the swine after Jesus had successfully exorcised a man known as the Gadarene demoniac.
The swine then charged into the Sea of Galilee.
Thus acting on orders from Joe Biden, the American Deep State set about to recover the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
Israeli Mossad agent Anna Chador to a Tel Aviv based scuba diver: “Would you be able to dive to the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and see if the remains of the Gadarene swine are still down there and if they are to bring them up to the surface?”.
He: Yes.
Unfortunately for Biden and Mephistopheles, those agencies associated with the American Deep State such as the CIA were having a top secret convention at Area 51 (remember this was the time of the plandemic and everything and everyone was supposed to be in lockdown) and the treats at this top secret convention were Australian Uncle Ernie’s independently made pharmaceuticals.
Thus after the convention, the CIA were in no shape whatsoever to go looking for the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
However there were plenty of reports of sightings of UFOs and ETs at Area 51 after this convention.
Thus the spaced-out CIA outsourced the mission to the Israeli Mossad.
The task was assigned to one of Israel’s top female agents Anna Chador and after consulting with a Tel Aviv based scuba diver, a deep sea mission was undertaken and the Gadarene Swine were found perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
The bodies were raised from the depths and then flown to Washington DC.
Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay was brought in to cook the remains at the White House.
He made pork chops out of them which he topped with his famous homemade Sriracha laced apple sauce.
Joe Biden ate all of the Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce leaving the other guests at dinner hungry and awestruck at the senile old fool’s ravenous appetite.
The Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce remained fully stuck in Joe Biden’s intestines and could never be removed (something the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles knew would happen).
The direct result of the Gadarene swine pork chops and Sriracha laced homemade apple sauce being forever stuck in Biden’s intestines would be that he would always have sulphurous explosive bowel movements.
It was fortunate that the New York Chapter of the United Jewish Appeal decided to have their dinner and speeches via Zoom due to the plandemic.
The secret service agents guarding Biden on the night of his United Jewish Appeal Zoom dinner speech were not so lucky.
In an effort to boost the profits of the pharmaceutical manufacturing investments of one Dr. Anthony Fauci, the cause of the secret service agents’ deaths was listed as Covid rather than sulphurous fumes.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 28th
2022.
Joe Biden’s Connection To Balor of the Evil Eye
The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology: Do they control humanity’s fate?
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having images of NASA attacking an asteroid and then a Chinese naval cruiser and a Russian submarine off the coast of Alaska.
Then he had a vision of the 3 Fates of Greek mythology (the 3 Moirai) cutting a whole bunch of thread.
A massive amount of thread.
Michelangelo started to scream as Gaia burst into flames.
Then he had another vision.
Joe Biden in the Oval Office.
An aide entered.
“Mr. President, the local DC chapter of the Mormon Genealogical Society has been doing research into your family background,” said his aide.
“Genie what?” Asked Biden, “Is that going around rubbing magic lamps and a huge tall entity pops out granting you 3 wishes?”.
“No, Mr. President,” the aide shook his head, “They’ve discovered that you’re a direct descendant of Balor of the Evil Eye who was the leader of the Fomorians (also Fomorii) who are mentioned in numerous Irish myths and legends.”
“Is that a good thing?” Joe Biden sniffed the hair of a voodoo doll who was made in the image of Kamala Harris.
“Possibly, Mr. President,” his aide said, “Anyways Utah Sen. Mitt Romney is going to preside over a special ceremony in a Mormon temple where the spirit of your ancestor Balor of the Evil Eye will be posthumously baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”
“And does Pope Francis approve of this?” Biden accidentally stapled the doll’s hair together.
A scream came from down the hall.
“Absolutely, the Holy Father absolutely approves,” his aide nodded, “He would attend the ceremony in person himself but that’s his bingo night on the day the ceremony is being held.”
“What a bummer,” Biden said.
Coincidentally at that moment, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg happened to walk by.
“Does that mean,” a British aide with a classical education asked, “That the President is also descended from the Irish sun-god Lugh since Lugh is the grandson of Balor after Cian (who had his cow stolen by Balor) went to Balor’s home on Tory Island and made out with Balor’s daughter Ethlinn producing Lugh.”
“I’m afraid not,” the American aide shook his head, “In a story not recounted in Irish myths and legends but recorded in the journals of the last Archbishop of Glastonbury (who was beheaded by Mordred and was last seen carrying his head across the lake in a beautiful pea green stone boat that sailed over to the Isle of Avalon there to be buried with Arthur), Balor of the Evil Eye also made out with an ugly looking Greek sea hag called Olyveoyle.”
“He did?” Biden sucked on the nipples of the voodoo doll causing another scream to come from the office down the hall.
“Yes,” the aide nodded, “His one eye, his evil eye popped out when he first saw Olvyeoyle causing the ancient Greeks to call him Popeye. This happened in the Garden of Spinach on the island of Crete. Anyhow Balor fought with a sailor called Brutus Jr. who was the time travelling son of a 1st Century BC Roman Senator for Olyve’s hand. Brutus was stabbed in the backside and died causing his unrequited Spartan male lover to write odes of poetry in Brutus’ honour. Balor and Olyveoyle had a kid called Sweet Pea because he apparently loved eating sweet peas. You’re descended from Sweet Pea.”
“I am?” Biden bit the buttocks of the voodoo doll.
A third scream came from down the hall.
Atropos the 3rd Fate decided that now was the time to cut the thread.
Michelangelo awakened from his dream.
Or was it a vision?
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday September 27th
2022.
Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast
The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.
Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).
Hera decided she must do something.
She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.
She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.
Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.
“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.
Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.
The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.
“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.
“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.
“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.
“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.
“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”
“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.
“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.
“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”
“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”
“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.
“It is now,” another aide entered the room.
. . .
Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.
Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.
As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”
“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.
“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”
Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.
He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”
When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.
When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Uglos At Bus Stop As Demon Buffalo Watches
It was a very peculiar mist in the city.
It came out of nowhere and started eating people.
As if it was an invisible man-eating plant turned to low-lying mist.
Eugenicist billionaire Bill Gates was travelling in the city incognito.
He had heard there were all sorts of weird genetic and breeding experiments going on in the city.
He was puzzled by the mist.
“I must look into this further,” he mused.
His limousine pulled up and he got in.
Nearby the world-famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was about to enter a donut shop.
As he looked through the window, he noticed a really repulsive looking uglo sitting there with her little brat.
The satyr decided not to enter the donut shop.
Instead he went to a bus stop to take the bus home.
As he stood there waiting for the bus to show up, Pan Goatee noticed the repulsive looking uglo with her little brat leaving the donut shop.
The repulsive looking uglo and her little brat then crossed the street and started walking in the direction of the bus stop.
“Don’t tell me that the repulsive looking uglo and her little brat are headed towards this bus stop,” Goatee said.
“All right, I won’t tell you that,” Krampus picked his nose while waiting to pick up the remains of what would most likely be the satyr’s latest uglocide and bratocide.
Krampus was quite correct.
Pan threw his astral laser machete at the obnoxious duo.
The machete beheaded the repulsive looking uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
It then beheaded the uglo’s brat and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Krampus had already packed up the remains and put them in his sack for delivery to Tartarus by the time the bus arrived.
As the bus pulled up, two fat ugly looking blimps then proceeded to get off the front of the bus.
“You may not want to leave just yet,” the Demon Buffalo remarked to Krampus as the former, in cannibalistic Italian film festival fashion, ate a buffalo flavoured popsicle and the latter was just about to enter the multidimensional portal to take him to Tartarus.
Sure enough Pan Goatee beheaded both fat ugly blimps and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
He then decided not to get on that bus and instead took a bus headed the opposite direction.
The Demon Buffalo joined the satyr on that bus and sat next to him.
As the Demon Buffalo worked on a crossword puzzle, he asked Pan, “I gather those four uglos you beheaded at that bus stop back there were genetically created by the Spirit Great-Grandmother of the West (leader of the Circle of Spirits so beloved by Pope Francis and his Canadian Catholic hierarchy) using interbreeding between walruses and sasquatch?”.
“That is correct,” Pan nodded.
Eventually after taking the long way around, the satyr got home.
Later he decided to go to a nearby grocery store to see if they had finally brought in the particular brand of cold meats that he loved.
Pan hoped they weren’t being permanently replaced by Bill Gates recommended bugs and insects.
Tonight they were in so Pan bought a few packages.
He walked to a bus stop to take the bus home.
He stood at the bus stop enjoying the evening air.
When lo and behold, another repulsive looking uglo (this one of the caucasian and not aboriginal First Nations variety) decided to show up showing her ugly face for the world to admire.
Pan did not feel any admiration for her facially aesthetically challenged face as can be seen by the fact that he beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Goatee once again took a bus headed in the opposite direction.
The Demon Buffalo once again sat next to Pan while holding a copy of the latest edition of the Serial Killers’ Almanac that he had been reading.
“I take it,” the Demon Buffalo commented while reading up on the serial killing statistics for Iceland, “that the uglo you beheaded back there was part of the experimental genetics program being overseen by the Norse trickster god Loki and Dr. Anthony Fauci involving interbreeding between female stoats and moronic low IQ human males?”.
“That is correct,” Pan nodded.
. . .
Ever since Thursday September 1st 2022 (the 83rd anniversary of the Nazi invasion of Poland) in which senile old fool Joe Biden had sacrificed a previously unknown (to him) daughter named Liberty to the Greek goddess Artemis (in an effort to save NASA’s latest moon rocket program) and then gave a Nazi fascist Stalinist Evil Galactic Empire speech in Philadelphia, Joe was being advised by the ghosts of both Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler.
On that fatal (for Liberty) morning of Thursday September 1st 2022, the ghosts of Theosophist leaders Helena Petrovna Blavatsky, Annie Besant and Alice A. Bailey had negotiated a peace treaty and a renewed Nazi-Soviet Pact between the ghosts of Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin.
The man selected to enforce this renewed Nazi-Soviet Pact on the world was senile old fool Joe Biden.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 7th
2022.
Dr. Nachash Naga’s Nightmare
NASA administrator Dr. Nachash Naga hit the roof when the launch of Artemis 1 was scrapped yet again.
As his secretary Deborah called for someone to repair the roof, Dr. Nachash Naga threw his model of the Artemis 1 rocket across the room breaking it into a million piecea.
“What went wrong?” Dr. Nachash Naga demanded to know.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises in London, England in order to pick up the best imagery and audio of what he was seeing.
Michelangelo still wasn’t sure whether this was a vision or a dream.
“Well,” Nimrod the little green frog who was now serving as a special advisor to NASA (having built the Tower of Babel in man’s first attempt to reach the heavens before he wound up in a UFO crash and was later turned into a little green frog by Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress) spoke, “We thought we had a deal with the Greek goddess Artemis after Joe sacrificed one of his unknown daughters to her in Philadelphia before he gave his Nazi Fascist Fuhrer speech in Philadelphia that same night.”
“So what happened to that deal?” Dr. Nachash Naga sucked the life out of an apple.
“Well last night,” Nimrod explained, “someone posted a video on YouTube of senile old Joe shooting and killing a second deer sacred to Artemis last fall. Artemis saw the video and posted a comment, “I am so absolutely furious right now. The winds that stopped King Agamemnon’s fleet from sailing towards Troy are even now sucking the hydrogen out of the Atlas 1 moon rocket as we speak.” And sure enough today’s launch was postponed as a result of a hydrogen leak.”
“Bugger,” Dr. Nachash Naga swore.
“I’m sorry, I don’t do that anymore,” the ghost of Oscar Wilde said as he appeared, “I don’t know what joker in the realm of Hades sent me here as soon as you spoke that noun. I had to spend several years in Purgatory as a result of doing that in my own lifetime. As the people who are joyfully participating in tomorrow’s Sodomite Pride Parade in Calgary will discover when they cast off this earthly coil. They’ll be spending a lot of time in Purgatory. That is if they aren’t sent directly to Tartarus.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
British MP Renfield R. Renfield Explains Critical Race and Critical Gender Theories In A Nutshell
June 1, 2023 at 9:51 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Agente Secrete Miranda Singh, Joe Biden, Miranda Singh, Miss Miranda Singh, Renfield R. Renfield, Set Enterprises' Secret Agent Miranda Singh, The Ghost of Orson Welles, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, U.S. Oval Office Senile Old Fool Joe Biden, Wicked Principalities and Powers)
Miranda Singh a special intelligence agent and operative for the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit listens to a Thursday night podcast from British MP Renfield R. Renfield
Miranda Singh a Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit operative was listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s podcast while sitting in a park in London, England.
His Majesty King Charles III in disguise 🥸 as a Groucho Marx lookalike walked by the lovely and beautiful Miss Singh.
“Oh, to be King Henry VIII,” Charles sighed, “I could order that wretched MP to be beheaded.”
Renfield’s podcast started with a bunch of weird looking rainbow 🌈 holographic images being shot down with laser death rays being fired by Set Enterprises’ hypersonic missiles.
The display caused senile old fool Joe Biden to trip and fall to the ground at a U.S. Air Force cadet graduation ceremony.
Next the ghost of Orson Welles appeared sitting at a table and sipping a glass of spectral red wine 🍷.
“Saint Paul the Apostle said it in one of his epistles almost 2000 years ago,” Welles held up the glass of wine 🍷, “and in a somewhat paraphrased version, I will say it again, ‘Welcome to Pride in the ability to masturbate into the rectum of another Month’.”
This was followed by British MP Renfield R. Renfield sitting at a desk wearing a JENNIFER JOHNSON FOR LACOMBE-PONOKA ALBERTA MLA campaign button.
“Diversity, equity and inclusion,” Renfield began, “are code words for the perverts in the Alphabet Soup Community to be in your face (and possibly other areas of your anatomy) 24/7, 365 days a year, 100 years a century and 10 centuries a millennium.”
Renfield then went on to analyze contemporary sports and baseball ⚾️.
“Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Anthony Bass is a wimp and a wuss,” Renfield put on a colourful sports commentator Don Cherry suit and tie, “At first he did splendidly by giving the sodo-Nazis, pronoun Fascists and lesbo-Stalinists in the Alphabet Soup Community the raspberry they so richly deserve. Then he turns into a sissy and apologizes to them. Over to the ghost of Winston Churchill for his comment.”
Winston Churchill’s ghost sat in a comfortable armchair smoking a spectral cigar and sipping a spectral glass of brandy.
“Anthony Bass,” Churchill spoke in his distinctive Battle of Britain 🇬🇧 style speaking voice, “What a wimp. What a wuss.”
Renfield then went on to explain Critical Race Theory and Critical Gender Theory in a nutshell.
Said Renfield, “Critical Race Theory in a nutshell is this: The white race is responsible for all the world’s problems.”
Renfield then went on to the subject of Critical Gender Theory, “Critical Gender Theory in a nutshell is this: The male gender – and particularly those members of the biologically born male gender who actually think they’re males and are actually sexually attracted to members of the biologically born opposite sex- they are responsible for all the world’s problems.”
Renfield then went on to explain a lesser known theory – Critical Non-Binary Freak and Weirdo Theory.
“Now of course,” Renfield pointed out, “Non-binaries do not consider themselves freaks and weirdos even though that’s exactly what they are. What a Calgary based geopolitical analyst labels as Critical Non-Binary Freak and Weirdo Theory is being taught by cultural Marxist Neo-Bolshevik Communist groups such as the Alberta Teachers’ Association whose only accomplishment these days is to ensure that Alberta schoolchildren are transgendered, queer and Communist upon graduation.”
Renfield then went on to explain Critical Non-Binary Freak and Weirdo Theory in a nutshell.
Said Renfield, “Critical Non-Binary Freak and Weirdo Theory is this: Those who identify as members of the biologically born gender they’re born into and who are sexually attracted to members of the opposite biologically born gender are responsible for all the world’s problems.”
Joe Biden was immediately alerted by the European Union 🇪🇺 Commission (who most definitely were getting their panties in a knot 🪢 at the moment) as to the British MP’s most recent genocidal and Crimes Against Humanity statement.
Mused Biden, “I wonder if I should order a Cruise missile attack on Renfield’s office in the British House of Commons.”
After dropping a load of large sized brownies in his pants, Biden said, “I think I shall.”
Biden immediately got on the phone 📞 to the Afghan Taliban government in Kabul and asked if he could buy a U.S. Cruise missile from them.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday June 1st
2023.
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