Wilkie The Cat Plays Abraham Lincoln On Broadway: A Poem

February 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Wilkie the feline thespian decided to celebrate Presidents’ Day 2019
By not drinking his own urine as proposed in AOC’s deal New Green
Rather he would play the role of Abraham Lincoln
and he did so after much heavy drinkin’.

Now Wilkie the Cat fancied himself the Orson Welles of Broadway
even though he was a bigger flop than a halibut caught in a codway
His proposal for a Presidents’ Day play
which drove theatregoers away
Was to play the role of Abraham Lincoln
with his catty whiskers, he’d be winkin’ and blinkin’
And his girlfriend would play Mary Todd
while the audience would play the part of Nod
which in their seats would be what they’d be doin’
As great theatre lovers underwent a serious screwin’

With encouragement from the ghost of that junior Ed Wood
Wilkie would put on the best show he could
which meant that turkey from outer space Plan 9
would when compared with Wilkie’s Lincoln look like Casablanca sublime

Wilkie fancied a play within a play like weeping over Hecuba within Hamlet
or Pyramus and Thisbe looking for rooms to let
all for the benefit of Midsummer’s wet dream
As Puck causes mortal aspirations to come apart at the seam

Wilkie’s idea was to have John Wilkes Booth as an actor on stage
appearing in Our American Cousin an 1865 theatrical rage
and have Booth shoot Lincoln from the stage rather than the Presidential Box
And allow John Wilkes Booth time to wipe the blood off his socks

Needless to say the idea sounded so much better over 10 bottles of gin
as Wilkie regaled the cast with his own peculiar historical spin
taking dramatic license to the seeming level of a mortal sin
Which it was pre-Vatican II
As Fishy Fridays
gave way to beef stew.

Sean Connery would play Our American Cousin
His line, “Miss Moneypenny, my head is abuzzin’
I have swiped the Army’s budget for the building of a wall
Because doing so I must admit makes me feel rather tall
As wearing this wee tartan kilt has me in its thrall
And the blasted neighbours won’t pay for this fine looking wall
Can you imagine their sheer arrogance and gall
And Congress won’t let me shut down government until way next fall
so I’m forced to declare an emergency even though there’s none at all.”

And Johnny Depp playing the fairy godmother of walls would appear in pink tights
giving LGBTQ members of the audience severe nocturnal frights
As Depp waves his magic wand, lo and behold
From one of his mix matched socks, a gun he does unfold
For the fairy godmother of walls is John Wilkes Booth
his night day job of exchanging nickels for a tooth
the Shakespearian actor did kindly forsooth

But Wilkie as Lincoln was eating a tuna fish sandwich
And Baphomet in the next booth was eating roast ostrich
And as William Shatner appeared as Captain James Kirk
It turned out both patrons’ food allergies were at work
With the force of a mid-Atlantic gale breeze
Wilkie and Baphomet let out a ferocious sneeze
And the wall came a tumblin’ down
right on the Statue of Liberty’s crown.

The play is over
The day is done
And Wilkie from his creditors
is now on the run.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 18th

Theatre goers smiling because they haven’t yet seen Wilkie The Cat’s Broadway play about Abraham Lincoln.

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Haiku About Some of The Major Character Roles of Actor Johnny Depp

September 26, 2018 at 10:50 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Poetry) (, , , )

Haiku About Some of The Major Character Roles of Actor Johnny Depp

Captain Jack Sparrow
Ichabod Crane and Edward
Scissorhands and Sands

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Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

April 28, 2016 at 8:16 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Entertainment, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

I took my puppy dogs to Australia
where I encountered an Agriculture Minister without genitalia
He told me my dogs did not have the proper ID
so one of them raised a hind leg and took on said minister a pee
now I’m forced to make a video looking like an endorsing Trump Chris Christie.

-A limerick sung by Captain Jack Sparrow

from a poem written by Christopher
Thursday April 28th 2016.

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Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

June 11, 2014 at 4:28 pm (Entertainment, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , )

Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

He was not mummified dead like a Pharaoh
He was a pirate- this Captain Jack Sparrow
The wittiest pirate e’er to sail the Seven Seas
And as pirates go, he aims to please.

Vagabond, philosopher, adventurer he be
most at home on the Caribbean Sea
when he decided to give pirating a whirl
he took for his ship The Black Pearl.

When taking Aztec gold brought with it a curse
what happened to his crew was for the worse
A skeleton crew they be
doors they unlock with a skeleton key.

For Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner
their love would not be put on the back burner
even Davy Jones’ locker could not tear them apart
and Captain Jack found Davy Jones’ heart.

Captain Barbossa regains The Black Pearl
as everything starts to unfurl
at World’s End
driving ships around the bend.

And The Black Pearl becomes a ship in a bottle- that be the truth
but Jack has the map to the Fountain of Youth
Hector Barbossa now works for King George
but not the one whose troops the Yanks fought near Valley Forge
Barbossa has a weapon to peg
which he uses in place of his leg
And Blackbeard seeks the Fountain of Youth
whose waters he’d drink like a pleasant Vermouth
Blackbeard’s daughter Angelica is a woman scorned
Jack beware!- You’ve been forewarned
other women slapped you in the face
but this woman’s heart holds a special place.

With mermaid’s tears in the chalice,
Angelica lives
while her father Blackbeard dies, say what gives?
Captain Jack has pulled one of his tricks
so Edward Teach now crosses the River Styx.

And Angelica on an island Jack does place
where voodoo doll washes up devoid of grace.

There’s a sequel in the works- have no fear
no need like a mermaid to shed a tear
Captain Jack will be back
some woman’s heart will be black
and there will be another tale to tell
of sailing ships from Hell
and ocean waves that swell
and whatever you do!-
this much be true
don’t call him Jack-
he’s “Captain” Jack to you.

-A poem written
by Christopher
Tuesday June 10th
inspired by the character
of Captain Jack Sparrow
and The Pirates of The Caribbean

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Haiku About Headless Horseman

August 25, 2013 at 3:53 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About The Headless Horseman

Horseman was riding
lost his head in pumpkin patch
mind now sleep hollow

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Renfield and Amadeus Attend The Lone Ranger Opening And Talk Philosophy

July 4, 2013 at 12:39 am (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting in a movie theatre awaiting the start of the new Johnny Depp movie The Lone Ranger.



Renfield was wearing a t-shirt that said GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER PSYCHOPATH.


“If there’s anyone who’s a master at getting in touch with their inner psychopath, it’s you,” Amadeus remarked as he munched on some hot buttered popcorn.


“Thanks,” Renfield grinned.


“Can you do a Johnny Depp impersonation?” Amadeus asked out of curiosity.


“No, I can’t,” Renfield tried talking like Captain Jack Sparrow but failed miserably.


“I’ve heard there’s a Malaysian woman living in Germany who can do a pretty good Johnny Depp impersonation,” Amadeus broke his licorice stick into crumbs and put it on top of his popcorn.


“Really?” Renfield took a bottle out of his pocket and poured an ounce of vodka into his theatre container of Pepsi, “That can’t be true because I haven’t heard that.”


“You mean truth is dependent upon what you personally see and hear?” Amadeus asked.


“Yes,” Renfield smiled,  “I’m the ultimate existentialist philosopher.”


Renfield’s remark was greeted with total silence in the theatre (although a Zen master might have interpreted it as the sound of one hand clapping).



To be continued.

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