Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber

April 1, 2015 at 6:59 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber

Renfield R. Renfield had been in a bad mood the past couple of days.

The mood started when Renfield had tuned in to the Comedy Network on satellite television from North America a couple of days ago to watch his favourite program on that network Frasier.

Frasier was a TV comedy show from the 1990s about a Seattle radio talk show psychiatrist who dispensed psychiatric advice on the airwaves.

Renfield found the show quite hilarious.

But the show Frasier had been pre-empted by that talk show hosted by that unfunny asshole Jimmy Kimmel- the show called Jimmy Kimmel Live (even though a far more satisfactory show would be one bearing the title Jimmy Kimmel Dead).

Renfield deduced that the entire night’s programming had been thrown into disarray by the Comedy Network hosting what it called The Roast of Justin Bieber that the Network had been monotonously yacking about in its commercials for the past month.

In the ads, it featured clips showing a bunch of losers that the intellectually challenged early 21st Century considered comedians telling a bunch of unfunny filthy mouthed insults about the planet’s biggest spoiled brat male celebrity.

So Renfield had been as mad as Howard Beale when the news anchorman found out he was losing his job in the 1976 Paddy Chayefsky satirical film Network.

He finally drifted off to sleep where he dreamed of watching a program called Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber was pre-empting the program Jimmy Kimmel Live after the show’s host had been found dead in his dressing room killed by a hamster who was carrying a .44 Magnum.

On the show, Justin Bieber was screaming loudly (although his fans just thought he was singing a new song) as Dr. Hannibal Lecter poured gravy over his head while the blonde and heavily tattooed spoiled brat roasted away in a nice cozy steaming hot cauldron.

Dr. Lecter (putting on a pair of surgical gloves): And now it’s time to put the stuffing up this turkey’s rear end…

(Justin Bieber started screaming even more loudly)

Renfield smiled in his sleep.

He was enjoying this show thoroughly.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 1st

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Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

June 25, 2014 at 3:39 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

Renfield R. Renfield had recently developed a penchant for writing TV commercials and submitting them to Madison Avenue advertising agencies.

He announced to Amadeus Emanon that he had just written a commercial for the American Express card- one that would have Justin Bieber in it.

“Let’s hear it,” Amadeus sighed.

. . .

Justin Bieber smiled at the camera.

“Hi,” Justin grinned, “do you know me?”.

“Unless I’m wearing an orange jump suit and have numbers in front of me like in my Florida police mug shots, most people don’t recognize me.”

“That’s why I got one of these.”

Justin Bieber holds up an American Express card with his name Justin Bieber on it.

“The American Express card,” Justin Bieber flashed another wide smile, “don’t leave court ordered anger management classes without it.”

. . .

Amadeus sighed again.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 23rd

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Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

June 4, 2014 at 2:32 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

Upon his return to the UK, Renfield took the ET gray’s laser death ray gun to Dr. Cadbury Rocher at the Set Enterprises’ Laboratory in London.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built the world’s most advanced 3-D copier and printer.

Renfield would have the ET gray’s laser death ray gun copied and then give the original to his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

The copy he would give to his Boss’ rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis as payment for having received a fresh Seine River French mermaid sandwich and tantric sex from her to say nothing of several million euros being deposited from her in Renfield’s numbered Swiss bank account.

As Dr. Rocher copied and printed up the ET gray’s laser death ray gun, Renfield went into the lab to see what his friend Amadeus was doing.

Amadeus was busy playing with Michelangelo the world’s first genetically created psychic lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and reveal what they were dreaming by having his lobster antennae hooked up to a computer and then transmitting the visual data of the dream to the computer screen.

Michelangelo also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future on his lobster antennae.

By hooking up his antennae to the computer, the radio transmission from the future would then be played on the computer’s loud speakers.

Both Amadeus and Renfield enjoyed listening to radio news stories from the future.

“I think a transmission from the future is coming in now,” Amadeus called out to Renfield.

The radio news announcer’s voice could be heard on the computer’s loud speakers as Michelangelo’s lobster antennae picked up the transmission,

“… News of the couple’s separation comes only days after Kanye West found Kim Kardashian in bed with Justin Bieber…”

“… Meanwhile funeral arrangements for Mr. Bieber…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 3rd

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Qonzilqointec Melts The Ice

March 18, 2014 at 7:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Melts The Ice

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec had been called by her good friend Arizona Sen. John McCain asking for help in de-thawing the U.S. government’s most pre-eminent hired assassin Pan Goatee.

The astral projecting genetically created half-man half- goat satyr and professional serial killer turned U.S. government agent had been frozen in a terrible Washington D.C. snow storm several weeks ago.

Despite all their best efforts while burning the midnight oil (especially burning the midnight oil) the top research scientists at DARPA could not de-thaw the creature.

In desperation, one of the directors of DARPA phoned John McCain for help.

In turn, McCain turned to his friend Princess Qonzilqointec.

McCain figured that a hot looking young looking 600- odd year old Aztec Vampiress (like most women over 30, she wouldn’t reveal her true age) who looked the spitting image of the hot and sultry actress Salma Hayek might be sizzlingly hot enough to de-thaw Pan Goatee.

So McCain phoned Qonzilqointec.

He had to wait half an hour while Her Vampiric Highness chewed out Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro on the other line.

She told Maduro that he was a despot and a tyrant who oppressed his people and that he had neither the charisma nor compassion of his predecessor Hugo Chavez.

She told Maduro that he didn’t have the testicles Chavez did and she included in that the state of testicles of Chavez’s currently decomposing body.

After Maduro hung up the phone to have a much needed bowel movement, Qonzilqointec took Sen. McCain’s call.

When McCain explained to Qonzilqointec the situation, she immediately boarded her luxury jet and flew up to Washington D.C.

She arrived at DARPA Headquarters wearing a see-through Versace evening dress.

She only paid €25,000 for this dress.

She had to laugh at her rival for world domination- the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis who stupidly paid €50,000 for her Versace evening dress and then ruined it by flying around Paris on a smog-filled evening and flying directly into the Eiffel Tower.

As Qonzilqointec walked by the guards outside DARPA headquarters while wearing her see-through Versace evening dress, she caused them to have huge bulging erections in their pants.

The sole exception was the guard who was gay.

Although the gay guard happened to have a crush on Justin Bieber and at that moment he was mentally conjuring in his mind those haunting yet so arousing TV images he saw of Justin Bieber in handcuffs.

So he too had a bulging erection in his trousers.

They got Qonzilqointec into the DARPA research lab where the Aztec Vampiress promptly mounted Pan Goatee’s giant ice cube and went to work.

“I’ll never be able to look at an ice cube in the same way again,” a DARPA administrator commented after watching the scene with riveted attention for several minutes.

“My wife’s going to notice that I’ll be spending even more time around the refrigerator than usual,” another DARPA administrator remarked.

“It’s alive,” a female DARPA scientist gasped.

“Oh yes, yes, yes!” Qonzilqointec screamed.

“I’m glad I use Clairol Herbal Essences Shampoo on my body hair,” were Pan Goatee’s first words as he came back to life.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 18th

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Haiku About Justin Bieber

January 24, 2014 at 4:05 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Justin Bieber

Pop stars go retro
Justin Bieber is dancing
to the Jailhouse Rock

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Rap Song About Justin Bieber

August 17, 2011 at 6:56 pm (Poetry) (, , )

A friend of mine Kriztina in Kuala Lumpur Malaysia suggested to me last night I should try to write a rap song about Justin Bieber after I had written a rap song about movie character Freddy Krueger last night.

So I gave it a shot.

The rap song is not totally about Justin Bieber- there’s references to other cultural pop icons and contemporary happenings in international geopolitics as well- not to mention a reference to a personal family situation involving a dispute over my late father’s Estate.

How come so many people be hatin’ Justin Bieber?
After all he’s Canadian like the beaver
for Canadians are a mild-mannered folk
those on the West Coast like to toke
but it ain’t because of marijuana Dracul is moving to Vancouver
it be because some family members were born in a sewer.

But returnin’ to the subject of Justin Bieber
who some bad cats would like to hit with a cleaver
why yo’all pickin’ on this guy?
Jealous cause he makes teen-aged girls sigh?

Now Bashar Assad who mows down his own people
while erectin’ pics of himself higher than a steeple
now surely that would be reason to hate his guts
but to hate Justin Bieber because of his singin’
hate to tell you but you’re simply nuts.

Then you got down on Rebecca Black
cause she got down on Friday
hearing her sing
made you cryday.

Sure the song ain’t no masterpiece
but does that give you the right
to try to dispose of her like grease?

Hey world you got your priorities wrong
instead of hatin’ people because of their song
why don’t you act like a big man and be truly strong
there’s a famine in northeast Africa
children there may not live long
get your Bieber and Black hatin’ head out of your ass
stand up be a real man and show some true class
put your money where your mouth is
and do some true good helpin’ starvin’ kids.

-A rap song written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday evening August 17th 2011

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