The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬: A Poem

August 10, 2017 at 7:45 pm (Comedy, Culture, Detective story, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Mystery, News, Poetry) (, , , , , )

The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬: A Poem

Jack O’ Hare
jack rabbit fair
he really was quite the bunny
that some thought was very funny

One day while he was out hopping
he decided to do some shopping
he spent some time looking at phones
as well as browsing through books about Sherlock Holmes

He bought the latter
avoided walking under a ladder
and went back to his quaint little home 🏑
right next to an abandoned honeycomb
Which was indeed a very wise thing
for Jack loved the way the birds sing
but not the way the bees sting

The latter could be a real pain in the ass
made it unpleasant to sit on the grass
so the honeycomb was long abandoned
possibly since the time of Aladdin

I wonder what became of his genie
Jack thought while eating a vegan weenie
He really should have bought some hot dog buns
although the raisin bran flavoured ones
often gave him the runs

Jack then read the Sherlock Holmes story A Study In Scarlet
and discovered it wasn’t about Mystery Babylon’s harlot
He read the huge volume straight through
while munching on his multi-carrot stew
he finally finished at The Adventure of Schoscombe Old Place
published in 1927
and closed the volume thinking Sherlock’s exploits were heaven

He decided upon putting the book πŸ“š on the shelf
and dusting off the statue of the garden elf
that like Holmes he’d become a consulting detective
because to be Inspector Lestrade was to be defective

So he put an ad to that effect in the Rabbit Weekly
even though his girlfriend told him it was so geeky πŸ€“
But come the Wednesday after the ad
came a Saint Bernard dog looking sad 😭 🐢

“I can’t get to sleep at night,” said he
the Saint Bernard dog Wally McGee
Asked Jack, Have you tried drinking herbal tea β˜•οΈ

It’s the apparition that appears outside my window each night that is the problem
I’m not sure if it’s ghost or goblin
sighed Wally with fear in his eyes
as he ate the last of Jack’s French fries 🍟

This will mean another run to the grocery store thought Jack
as I have no potatoes left in the sack
Neither will I have Lola
thought Jack as he sipped his Cola
ever since she caught him looking at Mae West’s melons
in an old movie about call girls and felons
She left Jack with these parting words, Aloha.

So as far as Jack’s love life went, he was now in the Lone Star ⭐️ State
but such were the quirks, twists and turns of Fate
Getting back to the problem at hand
Jack looked at the Saint Bernard dog well tanned
for this was a dog who had his day in the sun
as unleashed through a park, he went on a run

So describe the apparition you saw
Jack motioned with his foot to Wally’s paw
All right said Wally
pausing to look at a collie,
“Wow! There’s a real bitch in heat!”.
Sighed Jack, Be less like Trump and be more discreet.

So Wally went on, Getting back to the apparition at hand
it was the most terrifying sight in all the land
it frightened away our neighbourhood Calypso band
and turned my rock garden into mounds of sand

Sounds like quite the spectacle,
Jack was forming thoughts diametrical,
What was it exactly that you did see?
Well, said Wally, I had gotten up to pee,
I went out the back door to my favourite tree
And it was there I saw it
I don’t know what to call it

Describe it as best as you can,
Jack used a carrot πŸ₯• for a fan
for it was one heck of a hot summer night
the kind where goose bumps make your pants too tight

Said Wally,
By golly!
It was a ghostly ghastly feline
It was blocking the way to my tree line
It glowed emerald green
really quite the scene
and everywhere it went, it glowed in the dark
it could totally light up Central Park
and what I’m telling you is certainly no lark

Jack put on his deerstalker cap
his thinking hat with a flap
He lit up his Sherlockian style pipe
he had Basil Rathbone down to type

Well, Jack coughed
sending the chickens aloft,
this cat you describe I think I’ve heard of
from the lips of Vladimir Birdov
He died in my arms
On Green Acres Farms

He had recently come back from Varna, Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬
having encountered a cat with menthyl malaria
which it contracted from a little green frog 🐸
that had sat there like a bump on a log

And this unusual type of malaria
previously unknown in Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬
turned the cat’s colour to a ghostly emerald green
making this tabby the talk of the bar scene

But what’s it doing here in Canada πŸ‡¨πŸ‡¦, Wally wanted to know
He was bursting a gut and quite possibly his toe
Jack looked at Wally and gave his hat a twirl
sending up pipe smoke in quite a widening curl
And then quietly said, Don’t be such a nerd
For you mean to say you haven’t heard,
Prime Minister Justin, unlike Trump, is welcoming all refugees
even those with a emerald green cat furry sneeze.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Thursday August 10th
2017.

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Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

July 15, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at the Calgary Stampede today.

As he went around acknowledging the crowds and acknowledging the boos, Justin hoped he wouldn’t run into any one smoking marijuana during the Stampede.

On every occasion when he inhaled even a whiff of marijuana, he’d always run into that annoying ET gray from the planet Nibiru- an ET gray named Gali-Gula (whose extraterrestrial πŸ‘½ body was possessed by the ghost of the late ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

Seeing Gali-Gula at the recent Canada πŸ‡¨πŸ‡¦ Day 150 celebrations in Ottawa had so flabbergasted Justin, he forgot to mention the province of Alberta in his Parliament Hill speech.

Now as he walked around the Stampede grounds, he hoped he wouldn’t catch a whiff of marijuana.

He happened to notice a group of people holding up a sign saying WE SUPPORT A CARBON TAX.

He went over to talk to them and caught the biggest whiff of marijuana smoke imaginable from the group.

“Oh, no!” Justin quickly walked away.

He went to talk to another group of people.

And in the crowd, ET gray Gali-Gula asked him, “If I threw a grenade and killed someone, would you pay me $10.5 million like you did Omar Khadr?”.

“Fuck you asshole!” An angry 😑 Justin replied.

“What was that?” Alberta Premier Rachel Notley looked at Justin with a great look of astonishment and horror.

“Sorry,” Justin apologized, ” I was talking to Gali-Gula the ET gray standing behind you.”

People looked and not seeing anyone there, they raised their eyebrows and looked suspiciously at Justin.

Justin was then called away to officially open a rubber duck pond which had never been officially opened during the whole time of the Stampede.

As Justin pronounced the words “I officially declare this rubber duck pond open”, Gali-Gula held up a sign that said, THE RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM – 11th CENTURY AD. THE RUBY YACHT OF OMAR KHADR- 21St CENTURY AD.

“Go fuck yourself, you tiny little son of a bitch,” Justin screamed.

A small child broke into tears.

“No, no,” Justin apologized, “I didn’t mean you.”

Two of the Prime Minister’s aides looked at one another.

They better get the Prime Minister the Hell out of here before he inflicted any more collateral damage.

They grabbed him and ran straight out of the Stampede grounds.

A 75-year-old ramrod straight cowboy in an ancient looking white Stetson (who had no use for anyone with the last name of Trudeau) shouted after him, “Hey you bum, it’s going to be difficult taking your shirt off for a selfie while you’re wearing a straight jacket.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 15th
2017.

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The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

July 9, 2017 at 5:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

At the recent G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, a protestor shouted at Donald Trump, “Your daughter Ivanka would make a better President than you.”

To which the Donald responded much to the protestor’s shock, “You’re probably right.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was then asked by a protestor, “If I shot and killed a U.S. soldier, would you give me $10.5 million like your government gave Omar Khadr?”.

“You don’t understand this is a Canadian Charter of Rights issue,” Justin blubbered before taking his shirt off to pose for a selfie with a young pretty German frΓ€ulein.

“Are you sure this wasn’t just a major bimbo eruption on the part of your government?” The Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula asked him.

Justin gave him the finger.

Gali-Gula looked down and thought to himself, “That’s what I get for wearing this I Love Alberta t-shirt that I bought on my recent trip to Alberta.”

A Canadian reporter in the crowd remembered the words of wisdom that the learned historical archivist Jack Morrow (son of the late 1st Chief Justice of the Northwest Territories Mr. Justice W.G. Morrow) said at the time that Pierre Elliot Trudeau repatriated the Canadian Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights back in 1982, “Well now that the overaged Marxist flower child Pierre has repatriated the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights, soon the only Canadians with rights left in the country will be criminals and perverts.”

With the awarding of $10.5 million to the terrorist Omar Khadr by the Justin Trudeau government, the learned Jack Morrow’s prophecy had come true.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked how she enjoyed the sauerkraut and sausages in Hamburg.

“Loved it,” she replied.

. . .

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had finally returned to Britain after what he described “as a successful personal Tour de France.”

“What was the purpose of your visit to France?” A reporter asked the new politician described as “Britain’s most dynamic ” in comparison to such fossils as Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“To establish better relations with the French people,” Renfield shoved some condoms back in his pants pocket that seemed to insist on falling out.

“What political figure do you most feel a kinship to?” Another reporter asked.

“John F. Kennedy,” Renfield finally got the condoms back in place.

“What did you think of the anti-capitalist protestors at the G-20 Summit in Hamburg?” A BBC reporter asked Renfield.

“They should have used real cannons on them instead of water cannons,” Renfield replied.

“What do you think of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?” A Globe and Mail reporter asked Renfield.

“The man’s a total ass,” Renfield answered, “It’s my friend Dracul Van Helsing who really should be Prime Minister of Canada.”

Watching the press conference on television, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec inwardly agreed.

Somehow she’d find a way to make Dracul Van Helsing Prime Minister of Canada.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 9th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

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Just Another Maundy Thursday?

April 13, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises lab with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Amadeus was checking the computer that kept track of all Michelangelo’s psychic predictions for the past 30 days just in case the manual scribe who wrote down all of Michelangelo’s psychic predictions as they happen just happen to miss one.

The manual scribe that wrote down Michelangelo’s predictions was the cyborg robotic operated missing right hand of the Venus de Milo. The missing right arm was discovered by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury on November 28th 1960 at a remote location on the island of Greenland which is quite the distance from the Greek island of Milos where the original famous armless statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (now in the Louvre) was first discovered back on April 8th 1820. Dr. Cadbury Rocher (in violation of the laws regarding internationally important antiquities) drilled a hole inside the marble arm and inserted an electronic wire that operated on a wi-fi system and caused the arm to move and write on a piece of paper whenever Michelangelo had a psychic revelation out of the blue when no one was present.

Usually this was Renfield’s job to take down what the missing right arm of the Venus de Milo might have missed but Renfield R. Renfield was currently in Venezuela in the planning stages of a coup to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

Amadeus was checking a prediction that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had made back on April 1st of this year.

The prediction said, “World War III would break out on Good Friday 2017.”

Good Friday 2017?

That was tomorrow.

Amadeus looked at the calendar.

Amadeus wondered.

Was this prediction genuine or accurate?

Or was it an April Fool’s joke?

In the background, the song Only Time sung by the Irish singer Enya played on the radio.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was sampling the best of British Columbia grass (as opposed to the California grass that the Beatles had once sang about) and checking his email as he smoked it.

He noticed he got an email from Gali-Gula the ET gray from the planet Nibiru (whose ET gray body was inhabited by the ghost of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula).

The email read,

“Hello Justy old boy,

How’s it going? You’ll be delighted to hear that I’m one of 12 individuals selected to get his feet washed by Pope Francis at tonight’s Maundy Thursday papal washing of the feet ceremony.

I wound up in a Rome jail because I parked my spaceship in a No Parking zone outside the Colosseum and I tried to bribe the corrupt City of Rome policeman out of a ticket with Italian lira forgetting that the current currency of Italy is now the Euro.

Anyways look for me getting my feet washed by the Pope on the news tonight. I’ll be the one who’s rather short, gray in colour and not wearing any clothes.

Affectionately yours,

Your far out Extraterrestrial friend,
Gali-Gula.

. . .

The NATO General Wolfgang Vulkan (who was the Norse god Odin (aka the old German god Wotan) in disguise) stood in the middle of Maidan Square in Kiev.

He noticed Russian Spetsnaz special forces dropping from the skies over Kiev.

What were they doing?

He noticed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith standing in a white evening dress in the middle of the square appeared to be leading them.

Thor stood there with his hammer.

“Why is Lilith leading these Spetsnaz?” He asked Wotan.

“I’m not sure,” Wotan shook his head sadly, “if my mortal son was here, he could ask her. My mortal son was once allies and friends with her.”

“You have a mortal son?” Thor was shocked.

“I must confess that I once acted like the Greek god Zeus and seduced a mortal woman,” Wotan shook his head in shame, “it was the late summer of 1888. My mortal son was born 9 months later in April 1889.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone of this?” Thor inquired.

“If he had conquered the world like he said he was going to do, I would have, I’d have been a proud papa,” Wotan’s one-eye wept tears, “but he didn’t conquer the world. He never made it to Valhalla on his death. The Valkyries could not enter Berlin on the day he died April 30th 1945 because they came under attack by Soviet forces when they tried.”

“So where is he?” Thor asked.

“Some wise guy put a gold coin in my son’s mouth when he died and he ended up in the Greek underworld of Hades after Charon rowed him across the River Styx,” Wotan answered, “perhaps you could go to Hades and Persephone and ask that my son’s ghost be allowed to come here to speak to Lilith.”

Thor looked in the direction of Lilith and noticed the wolf Fenrir standing next to her.

“I’ll go,” said Thor, “what is your mortal son’s name?”.

Wotan replied, “Adolf Hitler.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 13th
2017.

The Wild Hunt 1889 by Franz von Stuck
An Adolf Hitler looking Germanic god Wotan in the 1889 painting The Wild Hunt by Franz von Stuck

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Justin Trudeau and Gali-Gula Discuss Bimbo Eruptions

April 6, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gave a long exhale.

“I wonder what the fun is in smoking this if you don’t inhale,” Justin Trudeau was recalling a peculiar statement that then Presidential candidate Bill Clinton had made back in the 1992 U.S. Presidential election.

“Hello, Prime Minister,” an unclothed and completely nude ET gray greeted him.

“Good God, Gali-Gula,” Justin choked on his joint, “why is it that I only see you when I’m smoking marijuana?”.

“I have no idea, Prime Minister,” Gali-Gula shrugged, “how have you been doing?”.

“Well, these days some people claim that I’m prone to making bimbo eruptions,” Justin remarked angrily.

“What’s a bimbo eruption?” asked Gali-Gula.

“It’s making an outrageously stupid statement and one that comes out of nowhere,” Justin said.

“I don’t think I’m familiar with bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula went to the refrigerator and helped himself to a can of Molson Canadian beer which he had first tried on his dominatrix whipped rear end a year ago.

Justin noticed for the first time that the nude ET gray had no genitalia.

“Say,” Justin asked, “is it easier to pee without genitalia?”.

“That’s an awfully stupid question,” the ET gray answered as he opened up the can of Molson Canadian and was immediately sprayed with foam.

“Sorry, I apologize,” the volcanically active bimbo eruptive Prime Minister apologized.

“I didn’t know you were prone to bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula drank the beer.

“Neither was I. I thought it was only something that blonde females were prone to,” said the self-proclaimed feminist Mr. Trudeau.

There was a knock at the door which immediately opened.

Gali-Gula dropped the beer and vanished.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you were having a one-man party, Prime Minister,” the aide noticed the spilled can of beer on the floor and the joint of pot in Trudeau’s hand, “but President Trump is on Line 1.”

Justin walked over to the phone and picked it up, “Hello, Mr. President?”.

Trump replied, “Hello Justin. Great talking to you. In lieu of what just happened in Syria, I wanted to ask you, what do you know about the after effects of using chemicals?”.

Justin Trudeau looked out the window with pot in hand and noticed a UFO spaceship flying away.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2017.

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Orson Welles, Donald Trump and Dracul Van Helsing

March 28, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The year was 1946 and actress Rita Hayworth was filming the movie Gilda with her co-star Glenn Ford.

She returned home to her husband Orson Welles only to see a mysterious entity de-materialize in front of her.

Sol Invictus Set De-materializing

“Who was that who just disappeared outside the door?” Rita asked Orson as she kissed him on the cheek.

“That was that London-based billionaire Mr. Sol Invictus Set who had asked me to direct a film for him,” Orson replied.

“Well, he certainly got the Hell out of here,” Rita quipped.

“I should say so,” Orson poured himself a glass of whisky and soda, “Hell is definitely where he belongs. He wanted me to write and direct a film about Hitler.”

“The subject material would certainly catch the attention of the world,” Rita poured herself a glass of milk.

“But he wanted it to be a film expressing admiration for Hitler,” Welles’ eyes flashed anger.

“Well, then you were wise telling him where to go,” Rita kissed him again.

Welles softened, “Thanks, Rita.”

Rita was thoughtful, “You seem to have a habit of offending billionaires, Orson. First William Randolph Hearst and now this Sol Invictus Set. I hope this doesn’t cost you.”

“Cost me? How?” Welles looked quizzically at his wife.

“I hope Hollywood doesn’t decide to blacklist you,” Rita looked almost clairvoyant, “turn down your ideas for making films. Europe would probably be more accepting of a genius such as yourself. But it would be a shame if America turned its back on supporting your artistic excellence.”

For once in his life, Welles was speechless.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office wondering how he’d be able to use the Mary Poppins word Supercalifranchilisticexpealidocious in a tweet and still be able to make a profound statement.

The phone rang.

Trump picked it up.

“Hello?” Trump ran a radioactive monitoring comb through his hair.

“Hello, Dad, it’s me,” it was his daughter Ivanka, “you had called me earlier while I was busy chatting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.”

“Yes, it was your closeness to Justin Trudeau that I was wanting to talk to you about,” Trump explained, “I was listening to a radio program about the paranormal on the radio last night featuring some former Canadian cabinet minister- some guy called Paul Hellyer. Anyways Paul Hellyer was saying that Justin Trudeau is in close contact with an ET gray from the planet Nibiru – some alien chap by the name of Gali-Gula whose ET body is supposedly possessed by the spirit of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula. I was wondering if you could phone Prime Minister Trudeau for me and ask him if this is true.”

“But Dad, why don’t you just phone him yourself?” Ivanka asked.

“Yes, but as you know somebody has been leaking all the phone conversations I’ve been having with world leaders. If that one gets leaked, especially in lieu of the unusual subject matter, there may be some among the American people who’ll start to think I’m nuts,” Trump was shocked by the high level of radioactivity in his hair when he looked at his comb monitor.

“All right, Dad, I’ll call him,” Ivanka put her mobile phone down, smoothed her skirt and then speed dialed Justin Trudeau’s number.

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were making love in a gondola on a canal in Venice.

“In Venice, veni, vidi, vici,” Dracul said as he collapsed in Qonzilqointec’s arms and even though he was a non-smoker, he longed for a cigarette for some reason.

“In Venice, you came, you saw, you conquered,” Qonzilqointec sighed in ecstasy.

He certainly came all right.

Qonzilqointec thought maybe she really should have taken her dress completely off.

She lit a cigarette and wondered what dry cleaner Monica Lewinsky used on her blue dress.

“We’re here at the house of the masked ball,” the gondolier announced.

“Who puts on a masked ball during Lent?” Qonzilqointec asked, “aren’t carnival masquerade balls supposed to happen before Lent?”.

“Welcome,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Sol Invictus Set materialized before the door.

Sol Invictus Set Re-materializing

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 28th
2017.

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Justin Trudeau Meets Gali-Gula

August 18, 2016 at 12:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had promised to legalize marijuana if he was elected. And last year he was elected. So Justin figured he better legalize marijuana.

He decided there was nothing like taking a personal approach to an issue. So today on the 39th Anniversary of Elvis’ death, he decided to try smoking marijuana until smoke was coming out of his ears.

As his aide opened the door, the smoke was indeed coming out of the Prime Minister’s ears.

“Prime Minister, what are you doing?” his aide asked.

“I’m doing a one-man personal investigation into studying the effects of marijuana,” Justin replied.

“But Prime Minister, you have a major speech to deliver within an hour,” his aide pointed out.

“I already wrote it,” Justin handed him his speech.

20 minutes later, his aide contacted the organization Justin was to address and told them that the Prime Minister had come down with a rare summer cold and wouldn’t be available to speak tonight.

. . .

As Justin Trudeau slept off the aftereffects of his one-man personal investigation of the after-effects of smoking marijuana, he woke up and saw a pair of glowing red ET gray buns in his face.

“Holy smoking hot buns, Batman,” Justin spoke a line that would have fit right in with the lingo of the popular Batman television series of the 1960s.

“That I have,” Gali-Gula the ET gray (whose body was inhabited by the ghost of the late Roman Emperor Caligula) agreed as he turned around.

“Good God,” Justin Trudeau said as he looked at the creature, “you’re gray in colour, you look like ET in appearance, you’re nude and you’re not wearing any panties.”

“That’s true,” Gali-Gula admitted, “although Caitlyn Jenner has promised to take me shopping the next time I visit Beverly Hills.”

“What do you want with me?” Justin asked while blinking at the ET gray in the same manner that Chief Commissioner Dreyfus blinked at Inspector Clouseau in the old Blake Edwards Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers and Herbert Lom.

“I wish to take a contemporary world leader back to Planet Nibiru for dissection,” Gali-Gula explained.

“But I’m too young to die,” Justin protested, “to say nothing of the fact that I haven’t achieved my goal of having one million selfies of myself taken while topless and posing with bedazzled Canadians and having them posted on Facebook.”

“That is indeed probably a worthy goal,” Gali-Gula was impressed by the young politician’s erstwhile political goals, “I’ll fly over to Moscow and see if the sometimes topless Russian leader will be more accommodating to the idea of a one-way trip to Nibiru.”

“Please do,” Justin felt relieved.

“By the way, do you have any ice I can put on my rear end to cool off my glowing red hot buns that were recently tomatoed by world famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes?” Gali-Gula asked.

“Well, I don’t know about ice but I do have a few ice cold bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer that I can stick on your rear end,” Justin rose from his couch and approached the refrigerator.

And so Gali-Gula sat with his buttocks on a couple of bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer while holding in his hands and sipping a large cup of Tim Horton’s Double Double Coffee..

Gali-Gula and the Canadian Prime Minister then discussed world history.

When Gali-Gula mentioned that as Roman Emperor Caligula, he had once appointed a horse to the Roman Senate, Justin looked out the window and noticed that former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s horse was once again eating the roses in his garden. Harper’s horse never ate the roses in Harper’s garden but only in Trudeau’s garden.

“You just gave me an idea,” Justin grinned, “I always wondered where I could stick Harper’s horse.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 16th 2016.

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Michelangelo’s Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future

November 16, 2013 at 5:49 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Psychic Transmission From Sometime In The Future

Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises Lab once again working with Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was on hand as was Amadeus Emanon who just went along with Renfield for the ride.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was Michelangelo’s proud creator.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and tell what they were dreaming.

He had also on a couple of occasions managed to pick up on his lobster antennae radio news transmissions from the future.

His antennae which were hooked up to a computer broadcast the radio news stories aloud for Renfield and Amadeus to hear.

Renfield decided to pass the time today by seeing if Michelangelo could pick up another radio news transmission from the future.

“I think something is coming in now,” Dr. Rocher smiled.

Renfield turned up the audio on the computer.

“This just in. Today in a Toronto city council meeting, a Toronto city councillor posed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford the question, “Have you ever killed anyone?” to which Mayor Ford replied, “Yes, I have killed someone.”

The admission sent gasps of astonishment throughout council chambers.

There were further calls for the Mayor to resign.

The Premier of Ontario described the Mayor’s actions as “inappropriate and unacceptable for a public official”.

The Chief of Toronto Police was asked at a press conference if Toronto police would pursue criminal charges against Mayor Ford over his latest admission of wrongdoing.

The Chief replied that it would probably take Toronto police another 20 years to investigate the matter before the possibility of laying criminal charges might come up.

Meanwhile in the Canadian House of Commons, Canadian Liberal Party Leader Justin Trudeau called on the Stephen Harper government to exhume the body of Toronto Police Detective Inspector William Murdoch (the subject of CBC’s popular Murdoch Mysteries TV Show) and bring in a Haitian or New Orleans voodoo witch doctor to re-animate the corpse so “that the good citizens of Toronto will finally have a policeman capable of pursuing criminal charges against this nefarious individual.”

When he sat down, a fellow Liberal MP whispered to Mr. Trudeau that CBC’s Murdoch Mysteries was “in fact a fictional TV series and there was no such real historical personage as Toronto Police Detective William Murdoch.”

Mr. Trudeau immediately leapt to his feet, “Mr. Speaker, due to new information I just received, I retract the request…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2013.

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