Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit

June 12, 2018 at 10:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his close friend Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield was having half a dozen tuna fish sandwiches and Amadeus was enjoying a 12-course Chinese combination dinner from Lydo’s Chinese Food.

He liked the catchy jingle on their commercials, “426-5050, if you’re hungry 😋, call the Lydo now. Freeee delivereee!”.

And then the sexy Chinese vampiress Meiling Manchu at the end of the commercial, “Don’t forget to dial the local area code first before the number.”

She then smiled before biting into a sumptuous egg roll with her vampiric incisor fangs.


Meiling Manchu hides her vampiric incisor fangs with her arm.

“So, what did you think of the Singapore Summit meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un?” Amadeus asked as he bit into a sweet and sour sparerib and wondered why Porky 🐷 Pig had a spare rib but Adam in the Garden of Eden didn’t.

“Kim Jong-un came out on top,” Renfield spoke as if he was giving an English language voice over to a Japanese porno film.

“You really think so?” Amadeus started to dig into the beef chop suey with his chop sticks.

“I do,” Renfield belched over his 2nd glass of bourbon 🥃 .

“What makes you think so?” Amadeus polished off the Chicken Fried Rice and moved in on the Egg Foo Yong.

“All Kim Jong-un did was just promise to give up his nuclear weapons,” Renfield inhaled a piece of tuna as if it were crack cocaine, “and you know what the singers Simon and Garfunkel said about promises in their song The Boxer?”.

“All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest,” Amadeus laid aside the pamphlet entitled Overeating Is The Primary Cause of Obesity.

“Exactly,” Renfield poured two more glasses of bourbon 🥃 for himself, “while Trump has gone and openly cancelled the military war games that the U.S. holds with South Korea each year which so pissed off the North, Kim has given very little in return. So it’s a win-win situation for Kim while it’s a Tweet and Brag situation for Trump.”

“What transpired at the summit that led to this?” Amadeus ate a bowl of lychee nuts for dessert.

“Well my spies in Singapore tell me that a beautiful North Korean woman was called upon to make a major sacrifice for her country and give the pompous toupee wearing blowhard Trump a blow job in order that he’d agree to Kim Jong-un’s demands,” Renfield replied.

“How awful,” Amadeus Emanon blew his nose sympathetically for the poor woman.

Meanwhile in his laboratory aquarium at Set Enterprises, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of two classical Roman style busts on display in the British Museum in the near future.

One was a bust of Julius Caesar that bore the inscription, “I came, I saw, I conquered.”

The other was a bust of Donald Trump that said, “I saw, I came, I capitulated.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 12th
2018.

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How To Bring Global Leaders To Their Knees

June 7, 2018 at 9:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

How To Bring Global Leaders To Their Knees

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in front of the television flipping through the news channels with his remote.

On one channel,

“The White House still has not said anything about Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s remark at a conference in Israel which was that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got down on his hands and knees and begged for Donald Trump to declare the Singapore Summit on again…”

Renfield switched to another channel,

“A Japanese porn star 🌟 said that Donald Trump got down on his hands and knees in front of her and begged her to give him a blow job…”

“I don’t have to beg,” Renfield remarked wryly as he drank his rye, “and they pay me the $130,000 afterwards.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 7th
2018.

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Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un Singapore Summit Is On Again

June 1, 2018 at 10:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un Singapore Summit Is On Again

U.S. President Donald Trump had announced that the Singapore 🇸🇬 Summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was on again.

In the background as the oranged hair leader made the announcement, his British butler and valet Lexington stood reading a copy of Robert Louis Stevenson’s book The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Trump told the assembled press that the North Korean envoy General Kim Yong-chol had hand delivered a letter from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un when the envoy met Trump at the White House.

Mr. Trump told the press that the letter was very interesting but later told them that he had not yet opened it.

Lexington (who could occasionally see dead people) noticed the ghost of Sigmund Freud (recently granted release from Purgatory by permission of Hades and Persephone) standing behind Trump writing ✍️ vigorously with his ghostly pen on ghostly notepaper.

Freud kept shaking his head and saying “Oy vey!” every time Trump opened his mouth.

Meanwhile at the Vatican, Pope Francis was busy discussing theories of the Collective Unconscious with Swiss Psychoanalyst Carl Jung (whose ghost had likewise been granted a reprieve from Purgatory by the Underworld’s royal ruling couple) and the Noosphere with the ghost of French Jesuit Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (who even more surprisingly had been granted a reprieve from the very depths of Tartarus itself).

“Isn’t Tartarus a bit like Hell in Jesus of Nazareth’s primitive mythology that He espoused to His Apostles?” Pope Francis asked the charcoal burnt Jesuit priest and paleontologist over a cup of Orange Pekoe tea ☕️.

Meanwhile Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at Set Enterprises laboratories in London had telepathically entered the dreams of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un as he slept at his palace in Pyongyang.

Kim Jong-un was dreaming that he was dressed in drag as a female K-Pop princess and was singing 🎤 a song to Donald Trump.

He was singing those Katy Perry lyrics,

“ ‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up…”

Michelangelo woke up screeching in his aquarium at the sight of Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump kissing.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 1st
2018.

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Encore of Dracul, Aphrodite and Ares

May 31, 2018 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote almost a year ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

When Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing returned to his office at MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division Headquarters, he was surprised to see the Greek goddess Aphrodite sitting there waiting for him.

“Aphrodite,” Dracul said, “What a pleasant surprise. Have you brought more news about Hephaestus?”.

“No,” Aphrodite shook her head, “Hephaestus has given up building missiles for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He’s now working on building incredible machines for a steampunk genre sci-fi film about Jack the Ripper escaping down the Thames River in a submarine.”

“I’ll have to see that movie when it comes out,” said Dracul.

“Have you seen the new Wonder Woman film?” Aphrodite asked.

“Not yet,” said Dracul, “but I’d like to. It sounds like an excellent film judging from the reviews. It’s set against the background of the First World War which I’ve recently started studying. The First World War is often overshadowed by World…

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Encore of Lilith, Asmodeus, Kim Jong-un and Aphrodite

May 30, 2018 at 10:07 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, Nature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood on the Mount of Olives overlooking the old city of Jerusalem.

Alongside her was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf Hitler (his spirit was granted a temporary leave of absence from the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone and he had entered and possessed the body of a grey wolf).

Lilith had found the grey wolf wandering the streets of Kiev, Ukraine (where she was currently living) and had adopted the creature as her pet.

She brought him with her to the Holy Land.

“Someday,” Lilith bragged to the grey wolf, “we shall rid this land of all the Jews.”

“Sounds like a splendid idea to me,” the lupine former Fuhrer wagged his tail.

Meanwhile in France, the demon Asmodeus was visiting the village of Rennes-le-Chateau and more specifically the Church of Saint Mary Magdalene.

He had heard that there was a…

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Jack O’ Hare Solves The Case of The Monkey’s Stolen Fur: A Poem

March 12, 2018 at 9:46 pm (Arts, Detective story, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare Solves The Case of The Monkey’s Stolen Fur: A Poem

In the land of bunny rabbits, there was none so fair
as that female rabbit loved by Jack O’ Hare
And so as Jack hopped and then sat in the village square,
he sang, I love Jeannie, she’s a dark brown hare.

No one loves me, wept a red spider monkey
who sat next to a Russian riding a Democrat donkey

Why ever not? asked Jack O’ Hare
as he made faces at the Russian bear
Because I happen to be bald all over
no one will roll me over in the clover

Jack asked, What happened to your fur?
Someone stole it while I was at Big Sur
Jack queried, Any idea where it went?
The monkey said, No, it was stolen from my tent ⛺️

Do you have a pic of what it looked like?
Jack would be on the lookout for a red spider spike.
The monkey had a photo of himself with fur
It was a clear pic although Hillary was a blur

And later as Jack hopped into a Burger 🍔 King
to order a carrot 🥕 cake special along with onion ring
he saw a sight that made his heart sing
For there was the red spider monkey’s spider fur atop the head of a real ding-a-ling

The toupee wearing Donald Trump was meeting Kim Jong-un
when his hair piece was stolen by the Easter Bun
or so it was reported in the New York Times and Chicago Sun

Oh somewhere in this happy land
The red spider monkey was leading the band
for his fur had been returned- fur worth a lot of grand.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Monday March 12th
2018.

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Haiku About PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

February 9, 2018 at 10:00 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

Winter games open
So who will come out on top?
Athletes or despot?

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Hephaestus and The Hwasong-15 Missile

November 29, 2017 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Hephaestus and The Hwasong-15 Missile

Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge was in his lodgings in Pyongyang the North Korean capital.

He had spent the day building missiles for North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un.

His latest missile was the Hwasong-15 which had just been tested overnight.

Hephaestus had promised his wife Aphrodite a few months ago that he’d stop building missiles for Little Rocket Man Kim but he couldn’t keep his promise.

The problem was Hephaestus had become addicted to drinking a Korean distilled liquor called Munbaeju.

Munbaeju is a traditional distilled liquor made of malted millet, sorghum, wheat, rice and nuruk with a strength of 40% alcohol by volume.

The drink originates in the Pyongyang region of North Korea 🇰🇵 and is noted for its fragrance which is said to resemble the fragrance of the munbae tree (similar to a pear 🍐).

In fact, the name of the drink itself Munbaeju consists of two words munbae (which means “wild pear”) and ju (meaning “alcohol”).

The origins of Munbaeju are traced to the Goryeo Dynasty (Goryeo also spelled Koryo was a kingdom established in 918 AD by King Taejo. This kingdom of Koryo later gave rise to the modern name Korea).

The water used to produce Munbaeju comes from the Taedong River that runs through the North Korean capital of Pyongyang.

Seeing as how living in Pyongyang made Hephaestus close to the source of his beloved Munbaeju drink, he decided to continue building missiles for Kim Jong-un since by doing so, Kim gave the Greek god of the forge all the free Munbaeju he desired.

As for the Hwasong-15 missile Hephaestus had built, it had reached an altitude of 4475 kilometres (2780 miles) and flew 950 kilometres in 53 minutes in its overnight test.

In an analysis, the U.S. based Union of Concerned Scientists concluded that the Hwasong-15 could travel more than 13,000 kilometres thus reaching any part of the continental United States 🇺🇸 including the eastern seaboard or even Washington DC itself.

The conclusion caused a few hairs in Donald Trump’s toupee to turn grey and led him in such a rage that he retweeted a few of the ultra nationalist far-right Britain First videos.

Of course what the overnight test of the Hwasong-15 missile had to do with Muslim immigrants in Britain would only make sense to Trump’s uniquely personal form of reasoning.

As Hephaestus drank some of the Munbaeju, a barking otter soon joined him.

The barking otter was named Jefferey and came from the planet Nibiru (a planet that yes had otters similar to earthling otters).

Jefferey in fact used Munbaeju in the making of his own Otterbury Green Minnow Ale beer.

As the minnows in the Taedong River were quite fond of drinking Munbaeju and turned green after doing so.

Any geopolitical analyst worth his salt (as well as his unwasted margaritas in Margaritaville) would deduce that the alcoholic proclivities of Greek deities, Nibiruan otters and Taedong River minnows could spell unprecedented nuclear disaster for the world.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 29th
2017.

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Pope Francis and The Secret Message From Kim Jong-un

October 10, 2017 at 7:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pope Francis and The Secret Message From Kim Jong-un

The Vatican Cardinal known as Cardinal JM walked into Pope Francis’ apartment.

“Holy Father,” said JM, “The Vatican has received a message from North Korea’s 🇰🇵 leader Kim Jong-un that is for your eyes only.”

“For me?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and wiped them.

“Yes,” Cardinal JM handed him the Vatican diplomatic corps dispatch box.

The Bishop of Rome opened the dispatch box and looked at the message.

“It’s written in Korean?” Pope Francis looked at Cardinal JM.

“Well,” Cardinal JM cleared his throat, “I imagine the Dear Leader (or whatever the Hell he’s called)’s Latin is rather shaky.”

“As is mine,” Pope Francis admitted, “but my Korean is even worse.”

Cardinal JM was immediately on the phone trying to track down a Korean translator.

3 hours later, the cook from one of Rome’s most popular Korean restaurants was in Pope Francis’ apartment.

The cook read the translation and also handed out copies of the restaurant’s evening take-out menu to all those present.

When he finished, he left.

“And do we have a copy of the manuscript to which the Dear Leader refers in the Vatican?” Pope Francis asked.

“I believe we do, Holy Father,” Cardinal JM stroked his chin 🤔.

He was soon on the phone to the monk in charge of the Vatican Archives.

The monk Head Archivist was apparently taking his evening cappuccino break and wouldn’t be back for another 6 hours.

“But we have no time to lose,” Francis cried, “World War III could break out at any minute.”

“I’ll go to every cappuccino bar in Rome and try to track him down, Holy Father,” Cardinal JM put on his coat and walked out the door.

This should certainly cure my caffeine fix for the next year, Cardinal JM thought to himself as he walked out into the night.

Meanwhile in the papal apartment, the clock on the wall was ticking.

Tick tock… tick tock…

The Pope remembered a song he had once heard an American youth group sing,

“The kings of West and East
they play a game of war and peace…”

Tick tock… tick tock…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 10th
2017.

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A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down

September 9, 2017 at 6:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down

There are krakens and then there are krakens.

For example there is the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI.

In his mortal life, he had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus dying from a fatal disease so he had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part machine and part living octopus 🐙 (given a special serum of Kraken immortality that had been developed by Dr. Poseidon Prometheus’ British mad scientist friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher who had in his possession in a secret aquarium the Greek god Zeus’ own personal Kraken who is released into the world’s oceans 🌊 whenever Zeus shouts “Release the Kraken!”).

Prior to uploading his consciousness into the cyborg octopus body, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had also placed a portion of the brain of the original French Emperor Napoleon I (that he had in his possession) into the octopus’ brain.

Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had been a big admirer of both Emperor Napoleon I and Emperor Napoleon III so wanted a piece of Napoleonic brain before venturing forth into cyborg octopus immortality.

Shortly after he became a Kraken, Napoleon VI (as he now called himself) had met and fell in love 😍 with the ex-Gorgon Medusa whom Dr. Cadbury Rocher had recently revived from the dead having reunited her original head and her original body. Medusa had been restored to her original beauty after Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber (that he called Edward Scissorhands II) had given the Gorgon’s snake 🐍 ridden hairstyle 💁 a thorough cut and chopping.

Edward Scissorhands II had then applied a natural hair growth formula (that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had developed) to Medusa’s scalp and the now ex-Gorgon’s natural human hair grew back.

Napoleon VI had himself crowned Emperor of France 🇫🇷 as the Emperor Napoleon VI in Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral a couple of years ago with the papal blessing of Pope Francis for the coronation ceremony.

However the one hitch turned out to be that no one in France itself recognized the coronation.

To correct the situation, Napoleon VI and Medusa had started their own political party 🎉 in France the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party earlier this year.

The two member party 🎉 then nominated Napoleon VI as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President of France.

The plan was that when Napoleon VI was elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum asking the French people to elect him Emperor of the French.

But alas the best laid plans of Kraken and ex-Gorgon, they often go astray.

Napoleon VI wound up in 12th and last place of the 12 Presidential candidates running in the 1st round French Presidential election.

The heavy make-up wearing Emmanuel Macron then won the Presidency of France in the subsequent run-off election- a decision which the citizens of France 🇫🇷 had now come to regret.

They would have been better to choose calamari with their cheese 🧀 rather than a piece of rouge wearing white chocolate 🍫 macron.

Meanwhile over in the Caribbean, the North Korean ship The Red Scorpion 🦂 was transmitting a satellite broadcast of North Korean despot Kim Jong-un reciting aloud passages from a medieval Korean copy of The Necronomicon.

The Red Scorpion had entered the Caribbean on August 17th and had begun broadcasting aloud the Kim Jong-un oral readings from The Necronomicon (Medieval Korean edition) the same day that a then Tropical Storm ⛈ called Harvey had formed.

That day a Kraken called Uhluhtc had risen from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea 🌊 following Kim Jong-un’s readings from The Necronomicon.

Uhlucth’s thrashings had led to Harvey forming and then Irma forming and then Jose forming and then Katia forming.

And those were only from Uhlucth thrashing at the bottom of the sea.

Only the gods knew what storms would form as Uhlucth made his way to the top.

Meanwhile in Paris, the curtain came down after 30 seconds as Napoleon VI auditioned for the role of the Phantom in a Paris production of The Phantom of The Opera with the director screaming “Next!”.

Aboard the Red Scorpion, Captain Dragon Sun the ship’s head officer was watching the 1942 horror film The Cat People on his television when his phone went off.

Another Necronomicon satellite transmission from Pyongyang was coming through.

“Next!” The captain shouted to his ship’s communications officer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 8th
2017.

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