Haiku About Kim Kardashian
Haiku About Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian
tried to break Net by making
an ass of herself
Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set
Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been laid up in his sarcophagus for the past month with a very severe case of irregularity.
It was a result of eating an entire horse in a fancy London restaurant almost a month ago.
On the table beside his sarcophagus were several Get Well cards sent to him by various people.
A Get Well card from Watson Holmes the man who was the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises (the Egyptian vampire’s research and development firm).
A Get Well Card and a bouquet of flowers from Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.
An I Heard You Were Sick card sent to him by a disgruntled former employee Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Dr. Rocher had sent along a wooden stake as well along with the note Insert Directly Into Heart.
He also received a Get Well card from a London private eye- a Mr. Randall Hopkins.
Set wondered if it was the same man who stood outside the windows of his room every night after sundown and took photos of him with his iPhone when Set’s sarcophagus was open.
The man left just before sunrise (at the same time Set was closing his sarcophagus lid).
Set also received a Get Well card as well as a basket of fruit from his own personal concert pianist Mr. Amadeus Emanon.
From Michelangelo his company’s genetically created psychic lobster, he received a gift certificate for a seafood restaurant- good for all items on the menu with the exception of all lobster entrees.
From Renfield R. Renfield his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering, he received… an autographed photo… of Renfield R. Renfield (the same gift Renfield gave to everybody on birthdays, anniversaries and at Christmas).
For his ailment, Set tried every laxative and enema method under the sun.
No laxative seemed to work.
No enema…
… seemed to work…
… until…
… Kim Kardashian visited him this evening…
… with a bottle of champagne…
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 17th
2014.
Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun
Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun
Upon his return to the UK, Renfield took the ET gray’s laser death ray gun to Dr. Cadbury Rocher at the Set Enterprises’ Laboratory in London.
Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built the world’s most advanced 3-D copier and printer.
Renfield would have the ET gray’s laser death ray gun copied and then give the original to his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
The copy he would give to his Boss’ rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis as payment for having received a fresh Seine River French mermaid sandwich and tantric sex from her to say nothing of several million euros being deposited from her in Renfield’s numbered Swiss bank account.
As Dr. Rocher copied and printed up the ET gray’s laser death ray gun, Renfield went into the lab to see what his friend Amadeus was doing.
Amadeus was busy playing with Michelangelo the world’s first genetically created psychic lobster.
Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and reveal what they were dreaming by having his lobster antennae hooked up to a computer and then transmitting the visual data of the dream to the computer screen.
Michelangelo also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future on his lobster antennae.
By hooking up his antennae to the computer, the radio transmission from the future would then be played on the computer’s loud speakers.
Both Amadeus and Renfield enjoyed listening to radio news stories from the future.
“I think a transmission from the future is coming in now,” Amadeus called out to Renfield.
The radio news announcer’s voice could be heard on the computer’s loud speakers as Michelangelo’s lobster antennae picked up the transmission,
“… News of the couple’s separation comes only days after Kanye West found Kim Kardashian in bed with Justin Bieber…”
“… Meanwhile funeral arrangements for Mr. Bieber…”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 3rd
2014.
Renfield Meets Isis In Paris
Renfield Meets Isis In Paris
Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in an exclusive Parisienne sidewalk cafe restaurant and drinking cafe au lait while reading about the upcoming Florence Italy wedding nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
“I wonder if they’ll invite me to the wedding,” Renfield mused aloud as he added more sugar to his cafe au lait.
“You know Kim Kardashian or Kanye West?” The French waiter asked Renfield.
“She and her sisters once gave me a blow job underneath a table in a McDonald’s in Manhattan,” Renfield replied as he sprayed some whipping cream on top of his cafe au lait.
The waiter left.
Renfield was to meet the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in this restaurant to discuss a business proposition.
Renfield who worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set didn’t know whether he should be meeting his Boss’ archenemy (who was also his boss’ sister and sister-in-law) but when Isis offered to take him to an exclusive Parisienne restaurant where they clandestinely served mermaid sandwiches made from mermaids caught from the River Seine, Renfield immediately accepted.
The only thing Renfield loved more than a tuna fish sandwich was a mermaid sandwich made from freshly caught mermaids and he had read in the Mermaid Connoisseur’s Digest that the Mermaids from the River Seine were an exceptionally exquisite delicacy.
He had never tried them before.
He had tried Japanese mermaid sushi in Tokyo and Irish mermaid cooked in Guinness in the town of Galway in Ireland but he had never tried French mermaid (fresh from the River Seine) cooked in a delicate red Burgundy wine and covered with a finely laced mushroom gravy.
Renfield decided not to bring his co-worker Amadeus Emanon with him on this particular business trip as Amadeus would always become visibly upset and start crying whenever Renfield ate a mermaid sandwich.
He would always start sobbing, “Ariel. Poor little Ariel.”
In his opinion, Amadeus had seen the Walt Disney animated film The Little Mermaid once too many times.
“I’m here,” the Vampiress Isis announced as she sat down in a beautiful beige evening dress.
She’s quite a looker, Renfield had to admit to himself.
In fact it took every ounce of his will power to stop himself from masturbating on the spot.
“So,” Isis explained the matter of the UFO that had crashed a few nights ago near Mesa, Arizona and how a U.S. Border Patrol officer had been disintegrated by a laser death ray fired from an ET gray’s gun, “I want you to steal this ET gray’s laser death ray gun and give it to me.”
“For what purpose?” Renfield asked as he bit into his hot steaming red Burgundy and mushroom gravy covered mermaid sandwich.
“That I can’t reveal,” Isis answered as she raised one side of her dress revealing a shapely black silk nylon covered leg.
Renfield used his napkin to cover his erection.
“Well,” said Renfield, “I need you to swear by Atum-Ra that you won’t use this laser death ray against my boss Set or any friend, acquaintance or employee of my boss Set.”
Isis raised her right hand and said, “By Atum-Ra, I do so swear.”
Renfield accepted this for no ancient Egyptian vampire or Vampiress worth his or her salt would swear an oath to Atum-Ra in vain.
“Why me?” Renfield asked.
“Because while I hate to admit this with you being an employee of my enemy Set and all,” she leaned forward showing her amply endowed breasts, “but in my opinion you’re the best thief in the world.”
Renfield had to admit that he was.
In fact Renfield had to admit that he often thought that the dashing and debonair Sir Sean Connery should play him in a film about one of his numerous master thief exploits.
Isis agreed.
They cemented the deal with an act of tantric sex on the dining room table.
In another corner of the restaurant, French President Francois Hollande stared in fixed fascination.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 17th
2014.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley
June 3, 2015 at 8:53 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (Caitlyn Jenner, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Magog Rhys Petley, vampire novel, Welsh Werewolf MP, Welsh Werewolf MP Magog Rhys Petley)
Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley
Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (fresh from his narrow election victory over the Welsh Vampiress Morgana of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales in the recent British general election) was in the City of Los Angeles to give a guest speech at a gala dinner calling for Los Angeles City Council to pass a measure to increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour.
The Los Angeles City Council had voted 13-1 today to hike the city’s minimum wage to $15 per hour by 2020 but since the vote was not unanimous, the matter would come back for a final vote next Wednesday.
The next vote only required a majority and need not be unanimous.
Supporters of the bill were hoping that by bringing in a British politician to speak in favour of the measure (albeit an unknown British politician in this country), this would seal the deal since as the best of PBS programming constantly reminded Americans, it’s so cool to be British.
Magog sat at a table as the gala guests arrived.
He read over his speech.
He wondered how starting with a quote from the Greek philosopher Empedocles would go over with an American audience.
Magog sipped from his glass of buttermilk.
Magog often drank buttermilk because there was an ingredient in buttermilk that served as an antidote to the particular variety of lycanthropy he suffered from and prevented his turning into a werewolf.
Often when buttermilk had been unavailable prior to his giving a speech, the result was often a social mishap of gargantuan proportions- a raving, snarling and howling failure.
“Buttermilk?” A beautiful woman in an elegant evening gown sat at the table across from him, “Don’t you drink anything stronger than that?
“Usually,” Magog replied, “but I have to give a speech later on.”
“I know what you mean,” the woman smiled, “my stepdaughter and stepson-in-law often get into trouble for saying outrageous things in public and they don’t even need alcohol to bring it on.”
“Really? Stepchildren?” Magog looked disappointed, “you mean to say you’re married?”.
“Oh yes, I’m married,” the woman smiled, “I’m married and I’m also 65.”
“65? Really?” Magog looked shocked.
The woman must use Oil of Olay, the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP thought to himself.
“I’ve been listening to your accent,” the woman played with one of her earrings, “Are you English?”,
“Welsh,” Magog snarled angrily.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the woman looked apologetic, “I know what it’s like when people don’t take you for who you truly are.”
“Magog Rhys Petley,” the British Labour MP extended his hand.
“Caitlyn Jenner,” the woman extended her hand.
The two shook hands.
“Oh, excuse me a second,” Caitlyn stood up, “I see trouble brewing. My stepdaughter just broke someone’s iPad with her rear end as she was bending over to pick her purse up off the floor.”
“Really?” Magog looked astonished, “That’s unusual.”
“Of course I broke the entire Internet recently myself when I got the most number of Twitter followers in the least number of hours,” the woman smiled, adjusted her hair and ran off in the direction of the sudden commotion in the hall.
Magog looked in that direction.
He noticed a man- the man looked familiar for some reason (Magog put on his spectacles to take a closer look and thought the man was quite possibly a singer) – shouting at another man and saying, “My wife has the best rear end of all time. The best rear end of all time!” to which the man with the broken iPad replied, “You’re a jack ass!”.
Magog decided to go to the washroom to comb his hair and beard before he was called upon to give his speech.
Twitter eh?
He had been told by some of his parliamentary colleagues as well as members of his constituency and campaign staffs that he should really get a Twitter account himself and start tweeting.
Several politicians these days did have Twitter accounts.
Mikheil Saakashvili the new governor of Ukraine’s Odessa region (and former President of the Republic of Georgia) and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov had recently been using their respective Twitter accounts to exchange personal insults with one another.
Magog was unsure about whether he should start a Twitter account.
After all, it was rather difficult to reduce his hero and idol Karl Marx’s economic theories of history to a mere 140 characters.
Magog entered the washroom.
As he looked at himself in the mirror while he combed his hair and beard, he recalled something that woman Caitlyn Jenner had said to him about being true to who you really are.
Who was he really? Magog thought about himself.
Man?
Or wolf?
Man, I guess, he thought to himself.
After all, literal wolves probably weren’t allowed to sit as MPs in the British House of Commons.
At least not yet anyways.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 3rd
2015.
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