Reblog of Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

December 9, 2018 at 9:34 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.

Dracul Van Helsing

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who…

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What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

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Reblog of The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 4, 2018 at 11:01 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote 3 years ago about how the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI – A cyborg octopus with metallic tentacles – formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus and his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (now very beautiful looking since Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a radical haircut and cut all the snakes off her head) got themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral.


Medusa: So much sexier since she got rid of her millenia of bad hair days of viperous snakes and dandruff flakes

Dracul Van Helsing

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre…

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Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

February 26, 2018 at 11:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

Pope Francis was in his bedroom reading a book when suddenly the door opened and in walked a kraken.

“You’re a kraken?” Said Pope Francis who was somewhat startled 😱.

“That I am,” said the Kraken as he bowed, “I am the Kraken known as Napoleon VI the self-proclaimed Emperor of the French.”

“It seems to me that no one else has accepted your proclamation,” Francis wiped his glasses with a tissue.

“Sadly that is true,” the Kraken admitted as he sprayed underarm deodorant under all 8 of his tentacled arms, “but after a few years of Emmanuel Macron, I’m sure the French will come around to my way of thinking.”

“What do you want with me?” Asked Francis who was still slightly taken aback by the fact that there was a Kraken in his room.

“I hear that you have the original manuscripts of the Sibylline Prophecies in the Vatican Archives,” the Kraken helped himself to cheese and crackers off the papal night table, “I was wondering if you could give me written permission to visit the Vatican Archives so I can examine them.”

Pope Francis reached for a pen and a sheet of paper and then looked at the Kraken, “If I give you such written permission, do you promise to leave here quietly?”.

“I do,” the Kraken reached into his knapsack and pulled out 8 pairs of slippers, “and just to show you I have good faith, I’ll put these on now.”

The Kraken started putting the slippers on his 8 tentacled arms, “With these on, you won’t hear a single peep as I walk away from this room.”

“Relieved to hear it,” the Pope used a handkerchief to wipe sweat off his brow, “What do you want with the Sibylline Prophecies?”.

“I was listening to Coast-To-Coast AM with George Noory on short-wave radio last night,” the Kraken explained, “and the guest mentioned that there was a reference in the Sibylline Prophecies to a Kraken arising in the last days.”

“Really?” Pope Francis bit the end of his pen, “Isn’t that the Kraken of whom Zeus says “Release the Kraken!” at the end of time.”

“Oh, it’s that Kraken,” the self-proclaimed Emperor Napoleon VI looked disappointed, “I hear Zeus is keeping that Kraken in one of the Set Enterprises laboratory aquariums under the monitoring of Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”

“You mean to say the Greek god Zeus actually exists?” Pope Francis’ jaw dropped.

“Yes,” the Kraken Napoleon VI nodded vigorously, “Didn’t you know that one of your own Cardinals- the Cardinal JM- actually worships him in secret and prays to him all the time instead of the Catholic God of whom you said that there is no Catholic God.”

Pope Francis shook his head, “No, I had no idea that Cardinal JM was a Zeus worshipper.”

The Pope bit the end of his glasses thoughtfully.

“What are you thinking about?” The Kraken asked as he took the Vatican Archives entry permission slip with papal signature on it.

“I was just thinking maybe I should name Cardinal JM to be in charge of Vatican Inter-Faith and Inter-Religious Dialogue,” the Pontiff mused aloud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 26th
2018.

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French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken

April 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Religion) (, , , )

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.

In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.

Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.

He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )

But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.

To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.

Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.

Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).

But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.

Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.

Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.

They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.

Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.

Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.

Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.

He finished off each bottle.

Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.

He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.

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Pope Francis Gets A Letter From The Ex-Gorgon Medusa

January 14, 2017 at 1:32 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis was in his bed reading The Communist Manifesto and The Collected Writings of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin as well as a new book Towards Better Ecumenical Relations With The Jehovah’s Witnesses (which was written by a Brooklyn Jesuit).

“Holy Father…” one of his aides entered the room.

“Please call me Francis,” Francis directed.

“Francis…” his aide suddenly changed his train of thought, “You haven’t been drinking have you, Holy Father?”.

“What makes you say that?” Francis looked at his aide.

“Your nose is awfully red,” his aide pointed at it.

“Oh, that,” Francis felt his nose and pulled off a red clown nose, “This was given to me as a gift by yet another circus troupe visiting the Vatican.”

“Oh, I see, Holy Father… I mean, Francis,” his aide corrected himself and then returned to the gist of his original thought and reason for calling on the Pope, “You’ve received yet another letter from Medusa.”

“The former Gorgon?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and stopped reading.

The former Gorgon Medusa had been brought back to life and de-Gorgonized a couple of years earlier by Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher (who had a habit of reviving all things mythological- particularly all things relating to classical Greco-Roman mythology).

Back in December 2015, Medusa had contacted Francis regarding her common law partner The Kraken (who called himself Napoleon VI) and her Medusa being crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral that month.

Medusa was worried that she might be called “a loose woman and a harlot” if she participated in the Coronation ceremony since Napoleon VI had never formally married her or even made her a proposal of marriage.

Pope Francis was unsure how to answer the question so he had passed the matter off to one of his theological advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper of Germany.

Cardinal Kasper told Medusa not to worry and to go ahead with the ceremony.

Now Medusa was contacting Francis regarding she and her husband The Kraken being able to receive Communion in a Catholic church.

She and the Kraken were now formally married, Medusa explained.

A Siberian shaman in Vladivostok had performed their marriage ceremony this past New Year’s Day.

She Medusa had converted to the Greek Orthodox Church last year and her husband The Kraken (a former atheist) had converted to both Nepalese Buddhism and the U.S. Southern Baptist Convention last year.

She was wondering if under those circumstances, she and her husband would still be eligible to receive Communion in the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis directed his aide to once again pass the question on to Cardinal Walter Kasper.

His aide bowed and left the room.

Francis once again put on his red clown nose and went to sleep fully confident that Cardinal Kasper would grant Medusa’s request for Communion in the affirmative.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 13th
2017.

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Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

May 16, 2016 at 5:07 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.

She turned over.

“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.

“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”

The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.

“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.

“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”

A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.

“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.

“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.

“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.

“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”

“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.

“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.

“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.

The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.

The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.

“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.

“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”

“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.

“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”

“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.

“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”

“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.

As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.

“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.

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The Kraken In Rome: A Poem

February 4, 2016 at 7:38 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Kraken In Rome

The Kraken went to Rome
and posed alongside Saint Peter’s Dome
Medusa took a pic with her cell phone
The ex-Gorgon and the creature of the Sea
surveyed the city from a hilltop tree
said Kraken, King of the Romans I shall soon be
like Napoleon’s son of blessed memory
The Kraken had recently crowned himself Emperor of France
and then tried to get into Medusa’s underpants
But the new Empress said I want to wait
until Pope Francis has blessed our desire to mate
Knowing Pope Francis, his answer won’t be late
for this is the Year of Mercy- kind is Fate
even though Cerberus barks at the gate
For Francis said, be prepared to be surprised by the Spirit
Destiny is a-knockin’ – can’t you hear it?

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 4th
2016.

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The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 2, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre and helped himself to the Crown of Napoleon I.

The security guards decided not to argue with him since he was a Kraken (they had seen the Geico Insurance TV commercials where a kraken had caused havoc on a golf course).

Outside the Louvre, he strangled a bunch of Islamist terrorists who got in his way (they had not seen the Geico kraken golf course commercials since their major entertainment fare these days consisted of producing and starring in beheading videos).

When Medusa arrived in their hotel room, the Kraken was standing there holding the Imperial Crown of Napoleon I in one of his eight spiked tentacle metallic hands.

He announced he was going down to Notre Dame Cathedral to have the Monsignor there crown him Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

Medusa insisted that was fine but she had better pick up a new dress for the Coronation first.

So some 3-4 hours later and now in their 66th dress shop in Paris’ exclusive fashion district, the Kraken looked at the Rolex watch on one of his 8 tentacled arms and sighed, “I’d really like to get to Notre Dame before it closes.”

“Oh, be quiet, you big grump,” Medusa gazed in the mirror at the dress she was currently wearing, “being crowned Empress of the French is a once in a lifetime experience.”

. . .

Later in Notre Dame Cathedral, Medusa wore a beautiful gold coloured evening dress that Helen of Troy would have probably dumped Paris for and the Kraken wore his post-human Transhuman cyborg octopus test tube birthday suit since he was unable to find a tux that would fit him at the All Night Men’s Formal Wear Rental Store that they had visited.

The Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral was shocked when confronted with the sight of a Kraken wanting himself crowned Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

“I better phone my superiors for permission first,” the Monsignor said.

. . .

“The bells, the bells,” the hunchback papal assistant Quasihomo held his hands over his ears as the papal cell phone went off.

Later Quasihomo entered the papal apartment where Pope Francis was in bed reading a book called How To Look Humble and Self- Effacing In Public (Hint: Only Use A Compact Ford Or Volvo Or Similar Vehicle As Your Popemobile).

“Holy Father, the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is on the line,” Quasihomo explained, “he says that a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside the Cathedral.”

Pope Francis reached for his copy of Dogmatic Theology For Dummies, “Did you say a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside Notre Dame Cathedral ?”.

“Yes,” said Quasihomo.

“Well, who am I to judge?” said Pope Francis.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 2nd
2015.

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Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

August 18, 2015 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who was helping himself to an 8 armsload of kosher hot dogs from a kosher hot dogs vendor on the beach.

The protesting kosher hots dog vendor found himself lifted and thrown into the water by one of the Kraken’s robotic metallic hook tentacles.

“What a pain in the ass!” The vendor shouted as the salt water licked the wounds of the spot where the metallic hooked tentacles had grabbed him.

Having eaten and then belched and then scratching his stomach (thankful that he no longer had to wear a belt), the Kraken headed off the beach and off in the direction of downtown Tel Aviv.

“Where are you going?” Medusa floated in the air alongside him.

“Finding myself a skateboard park,” said the Kraken, “I want to learn how to skateboard.”

“Okay,” said Medusa, “I hope you don’t mind if I spend some time shopping in Tel Aviv’s fashion district.”

“No, go ahead,” the Kraken shrugged his tentacles.

Unlike the former Bruce Jenner, Napoleon VI was one guy who didn’t really enjoy shopping for women’s clothing.

Napoleon VI had decided while doing the backstroke across the Mediterranean to go to Tel Aviv to learn to skateboard.

The reason? He felt compelled to go to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem for some reason.

An inner voice told him that there was a cavern underneath the Temple Mount that led to an underground sea deep under the mountain.

This underground sea stretched far and wide and connected with the currently underwater Garden of Eden at the head of the Persian Gulf where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers flow into the sea.

The Kraken resolved to go to Jerusalem, go up the Temple Mount, find the underground cavern leading to the underground sea, swim to the undersea Garden of Eden, strangle the Cherubim sentinels with his robotic metallic hooked tentacles, and use the memory of his martial arts skills to use his 8 arms to do battle with the flaming sword that turned every which way while guarding the Tree of Life.

He would then eat the fruit of the Tree of Life so that he could live forever.

A back-up plan just on the off-chance that the Transhumanist scientific theories he subscribed to that he could make himself immortal by uploading his consciousness into a cyborg/ biological creature hybrid turned out to be wrong.

Of course for a great scientific genius like himself, he knew that was virtually impossible.

Still that one question about ethics in the practice of science on his final year of Undergraduate exams at Cambridge University had really tripped him up.

It blew his chances of getting a perfect score on that test.

So he realized it was better to be safe than dead.

Hence his desire to use the Jerusalem Temple Mount underground corridor to use the underground sea to reach the underwater Garden of Eden and eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life so he could live forever.

Just as California mass murderer Charles Manson believed that the Beatles’ song Helter Skelter was a prophecy of a coming race war in the United States (which may finally be coming true in 2015 thanks to trigger happy cops), so the Kraken Napoleon VI believed that the Beatles’ song An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade was a prophecy of his (the Kraken’s) finding the Garden of Eden under the sea.

So what did any of this have to do with his desire to learn to skateboard?

Well, the thought occurred to him that when he landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv, people might become suspicious if they noticed an 8 armed octopus with robotic metallic hooks on its tentacles walk from Tel Aviv to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

They probably wouldn’t be as suspicious of Medusa now that she no longer sported snakes for curls in her hair.

Of course Medusa being a witch did have the power to glide inches above water and inches above the ground.

Still most Israelis would probably just think she was a woman who had successfully mastered Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s Transcendental Meditation technique of yogic flying, the Kraken reflected, as the Beatles song The Fool On The Hill played from the radio of a Tel Aviv Chinese grocery store he passed on the street.

After all if a rock and roll slut like Madonna could claim to be a practitioner of Kabbalah, then surely an ex-Gorgon could be accepted as a yogic flying adept?

As for himself, the Kraken Napoleon VI figured that if he skateboarded all the way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, he wouldn’t be mistaken for such an oddity.

The Kraken found a Tel Aviv skateboard park.

The park was instantly cleared of hundreds of skateboarders for some reason when the 8 armed giant cyborg octopus Kraken made his appearance on the concrete.

One long haired heavy metal singer headbanger looking skateboarder who had fallen off his skateboard when the Kraken made his appearance was still lying dazed on the pavement when Napoleon VI pointed one of his cyborg hooked tentacle arms at him, “You.”

“Please,” the skateboarder pleaded, “I gave at the office.”

“And I gave at the sexually transmitted diseases clinic when I was human,” the Kraken shook his head, “I want you to teach me how to skateboard.”

One thing the skateboarder had learned in his young life was when an 8 armed octopus with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles asks you to teach him how to skateboard, you don’t argue.

Within a couple of hours, the cyborg octopus Kraken had turned into a master skateboarder the same way an expert fisherman who spends his nights alone on a fishing boat turns into a master baiter.

Having completed his lesson, the Kraken grabbed the young headbanger’s skateboard and thanking him for both the lesson and the skateboard, he doffed his Napoleon Bonaparte style hat to him and bid him adieu.

“You’re welcome,” the young skateboarder supposed he should be grateful that he got away with his life intact but still, he reflected, that had been a darn expensive skateboard.

A Hezbollah suicide bomber (who had arrived in Tel Aviv clandestinely by sea on the orders of Barack Obama’s new bosom bum buddies the despotic mullahs of Iran) blew himself up prematurely when he saw the 8 armed cyborg octopus Kraken with metallic robotic hooks on his tentacles skate by on his skateboard that bore the image of reggae singer Bob Marley.

The Islamist terrorist was thus the only casualty of his premature detonation.

The skateboarding Kraken caught up with the beautiful Medusa just as she was leaving one of Tel Aviv’s most exclusive ladies’ fashion stores.

She was carrying dozens of shopping bags.

“Here carry these for me, will you,” she threw the shopping bags into the Kraken’s 8 arms as she started to glide above the ground.

“Me?” The Kraken almost fell off his skateboard under the weight of all those shopping bags.

“Well,” Medusa reached into her Gucci purse and brought out a compact mirror and hairbrush and started brushing her lovely snakeless hair, “you’ve got 8 arms, I’ve only got two.”

“How am I suppose to maneuver on this skateboard carrying all these bags all the way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem?” The Kraken demanded to know.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to manage,” Medusa pressed her fingers to her lips in thoughtful contemplation, “I wonder if I should pick up a few extra pairs of pantyhose?”.

“I hope we don’t get spotted by any other Krakens on the way there,” Napoleon VI sighed, “otherwise they’re going to think I’m a real sissy.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
August 1st to 17th
2015.

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