Norse Goddess Freya, Dracul Van Helsing, Boris Johnson and The Kraken

September 16, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Norse Goddess Freya, Dracul Van Helsing, Boris Johnson and The Kraken

The Norse goddess Freya was on the phone talking to Dracul Van Helsing

“Did you see that empty podium next to the Prime Minister of Luxembourg Xavier Bettel at what was supposed to be the press conference between him and Boris Johnson discussing Brexit?”

“And Dracul, you say the reason Johnson avoided the press conference was because the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist MEP The Kraken Napoleon VI had a two for the price of one Buffet coupon that was about to expire in another hour and the Kraken had invited Johnson for lunch?”

“Sure, do come over to my place, Dracul.”

“I’m always up for tantric sex, anytime, anywhere.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Monday September 16th
2019.

Permalink 4 Comments

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

Permalink 9 Comments

Dracul and Semiramis In Paris

May 26, 2019 at 9:43 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.

He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.

“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.

“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”

“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.

“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.

“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.

“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”

“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”

“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.

“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”

In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.

“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.

“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.

“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.

“It was,” Dracul smiled.

“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.

“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.

“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.

“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”

“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”

“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.

He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.

As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.

Permalink 10 Comments

The Kraken Napoleon VI In A Rome Taverna

May 9, 2019 at 9:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa were doing very well in the opinion polls for the EU Parliamentary elections in France.

There was a very good chance that both he and Medusa would be elected to the European Parliament in Strasbourg on behalf of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

French President Emmanuel Macron was already pulling his hair out at the news.

As the French President was on the phone to the Oval Office in Washington DC asking Donald Trump the name of a place where he did NOT buy his toupees, the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to take a break from the campaign trail and go for a short excursion to Rome.

Medusa herself would be hitting the roulette tables down in Monte Carlo.

After a day of sightseeing around Rome, the Kraken decided to pay a visit to a quiet Rome taverna and sample some good Italian wine.

When he entered through the taverna door, he noticed the ghost of Orson Welles sitting in a booth next to the statue of Venus.

“A lovely location you’ve chosen, Orson,” the Kraken sat across from the spirit he recognized as an advisor to his British Transhumanist political ally the British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“I did not choose this spot just to look at Venus’ lovely derriere contrary to what some might think,” Welles adjusted the hat on his head, “although a very lovely derriere it is. I do not want people mistaking me for Bill Clinton or Rev. Jesse Jackson enjoying Miss Ariana Grande’s most stellar performance at Aretha Franklin’s funeral last year. When I first sat down, that statue of Venus was dressed in furs. Venus in furs. But then the ghost of Baron Leopold von Sacher-Masoch entered the taverna and stole all the furs off Venus.”

“I’m sorry to have missed that,” the Kraken ordered 8 bottles of wine from the waiter.

“I hear you and Medusa are polling ahead of Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Welles lit a spectral cigar.

“Yes, I’m pleased as punch about that,” the Kraken accepted a complimentary glass of punch from the taverna’s management.

Welles looked at a woman sitting at an adjacent table.

“That woman,” Welles continued to gaze in her direction, “looks a lot like Simone Simon.”

“The noted French actress?” The Kraken put on his monocle and looked in the woman’s direction.

“Yes, she was absolutely magnificent as the cat woman in the 1942 film The Cat People,” Welles recalled.

“Ever since I saw that film and saw that one particular scene, I’ve been reluctant to swim in a YWCA swimming pool ever since,” the Kraken recalled.

Just then a Vatican Cardinal entered the taverna and sat down.

Welles gazed at the Cardinal.

“You know,” Welles leaned over and whispered to the Kraken, “I’ve been told that Cardinal is a practicing satanist.”

Just then the woman who looked like Simone Simon shapeshifted into a black panther and went over and ripped the Cardinal to shreds leaving a tangled web of cardinal’s robes and spiralling pool of blood on the taverna floor.

The cat woman then left the taverna without paying her bill causing the waiter to have a major spaz attack and go running out into the streets chasing after the she beast.

“Well,” the Kraken looked at the cardinal’s hat floating on top of the pool of blood on the taverna floor, “It looks like Satan will have one less vote at the next papal conclave.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 9th
2019.

Permalink 66 Comments

British Transhumanist- Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance

April 8, 2019 at 9:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s British Transhumanist Party had just forged an alliance with the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party of the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI.

Should Britain have to take part in the May 23rd to May 26th European Parliamentary elections because of a Brexit extension, the British Transhumanists and French Aquarian Age Bonapartists would run together on a joint ticket with Renfield, the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa seeking elections to the European Parliament.

At first Renfield had been reluctant to join forces with the Kraken since the cyborg octopus belonged to the Church of Scientology (as a result of the Kraken attending a workshop with Tom Cruise and John Travolta a month ago).

However the Kraken had had lunch with German Chancellor Angela Merkel today where she showed the eight legged creature the 2017 turkey remake of The Mummy that starred Tom Cruise.

After the Egyptian mummy princess Ahmanet, Cruise and the producer of the film jointly laid an egg 20 minutes into the movie, this was too much for the Kraken who swore off both Scientology and non-chicken laid eggs when the film ended.

Merkel broke the good news to Renfield by phone.

The Kraken flew to London from Berlin where Renfield and the would-be Aquarian Age French Emperor signed a pact.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump had labelled Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a terrorist organization.

The government in Tehran responded by labeling all U.S. Armed Forces in the Middle East a terrorist organization.

And the subject on Dr. Phil’s TV talk show today was childish behaviour shown by world leaders.

And on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, the winged horse Pegasus had just landed on the mount the night before the Israeli national election.

And Russian President Vladimir Putin had brought in a spiritist medium to communicate with a Russian brown bear said to be possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin as to why Pegasus would be landing on the Temple Mount the night before the Israeli election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 8th
2019.

Permalink 22 Comments

Kraken Uhluhtc Causes Venezuela Electrical Blackout

March 11, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in her Mexico City penthouse apartment having a long distance phone conversation discussing the crisis in Venezuela with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Do you have any idea what’s causing this massive electricity and power blackout that’s been going on in Venezuela since last Thursday?” Renfield asked.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the U.S. government had both been blaming the other for causing the blackout.

“My sources tell me it’s Uhluhtc that’s causing the problem,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“And who’s Uhluhtc?” Renfield helped himself to a dish of calamari in front of him.

“Uhluhtc is a kraken that recently rose from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea a couple of years ago,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“I see,” Renfield added some Jamaican Hot Sauce to his calamari, “and what caused him to rise?”.

“North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reading aloud a passage from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by radio and loudspeaker to a North Korean ship named The Red Scorpion that was sailing in the Caribbean at the time,” the Aztec vampire princess replied.

“Really?” Renfield helped himself to some Korean dumplings and fried scorpion, “Interesting how this information is sort of forming a Jungian synchronicity with what I’m having on my lunchtime menu.”

“One of my drones spotted Uhluhtc attacking electrical transformers throughout Venezuela,” Qonzilqointec added.

“Any idea why he’s doing this?” Renfield found a toy figure of Godzilla as the prize in his box of children’s cereal.

“None whatsoever,” Qonzilqointec smoothed her dress and watched another one of her carrier pigeon shaped drones returning.

. . .

Donald Trump was receiving a briefing from the National Security Agency as his English butler and valet Lexington poured tea.

“Um, is it appropriate for him to be here?” The NSA operative pointed towards Lexington.

“That’s all right,” Trump shrugged, “he’s got high level security clearance.”

“Your English butler and valet has high-level security clearance?” The NSA operative was astounded.

“Hey,” Trump helped himself to a hot buttered crumpet, “if I can get high-level security clearance for my daughter and my son-in-law, I can get high-level security clearance for my English butler and valet.”

“Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow. Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow,” Trump’s pet Norwegian blue parrot squawked from inside his cage.

Trump was currently working on getting high-level security clearance for his parrot.

“Anyways we wiretapped a conversation New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently had in a Washington DC restaurant with Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change,” the NSA operative explained.

“Bully for you, we need surveillance to find out what these Communist saboteurs are up to,” Trump accidentally pushed the Record button on his Huawei smart phone.

“They were discussing the Green New Deal,” the NSA operative said.

“I noticed,” Trump remarked as he drank his cup of Earl Grey Tea, “that even British MP Renfield R. Renfield who supports AOC’S plans for a single user pay national public health care system says that AOC “is out to lunch like most leftists are” when it comes to the subject of climate change.”

“Anyhow the Department of Homeland Security recently uncovered frightening information with regards to Lev Tomi,” the NSA operative read from his briefs as he dressed down to his briefs since it was rather hot in the Oval Office.

“And what was that?” Trump seeing the NSA operative dressed down to his briefs brought back memories of last year’s private one-on-one encounter with Vladimir Putin in which no aides nor translators were present.

“That Lev Tomi is in fact a vampire,” the NSA operative’s glasses steamed up, “and in his mortal life had been the Russian Communist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky. Trotsky did not die on the night of August 20th/21st 1940 succumbing to his ice axe wounds delivered by a Stalinist NKVD assassin as the history books teach us. Instead he was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Aztec?” Trump felt a sudden craving for enchiladas, “They’re Mexican aren’t they?”.

“That is correct,” the NSA operative answered.

“Then I’m right to build that damned wall,” Trump pounded his fist on his desk.

“Begging your pardon, sir,” Lexington removed the Gloucester cheese from the table, “but if this Qonzilqointec is a vampiress, then she can just turn into a vampire bat and fly over the wall.”

“What a bummer,” Trump grimaced.

“That’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards,” squawked the parrot, “that’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards.”

. . .

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing thought back to the 1941 film Sundown with Gene Tierney and George Sanders that he had been watching for the first time on YouTube early Sunday morning when his BBC app sounded a five second long musical note indicating a breaking news bulletin.

That was when he first heard about the tragic Ethiopian Airlines plane crash from Addis Ababa Ethiopia to Nairobi Kenya that had killed all 157 people on board.

Today after watching the news he found out that 18 Canadians had been aboard the plane including a Carleton University professor from Ottawa, a family of six from Brampton Ontario, an environmentalist from Winnipeg Manitoba and a young mother from Edmonton Alberta along with her 5-year-old daughter.

There was also an assistant pastor from the City of Calgary (who also worked as an accountant at Calgary City Hall) killed- a man that Dracul Van Helsing had personally met on one occasion.

In another connection to the City of Calgary, the pilot of the plane had an aunt who lived in Calgary.

In this interconnected world of the 21st Century, tragedy now connected all corners of the globe.


Gene Tierney in the movie Sundown 1941.
A movie that was set in the border region between Kenya and Ethiopia.
A movie that had as its premise the importance of Africa to world geopolitics and how Africa served as the pivotal point of the interconnectivity of the world.
It was while watching this film, a breaking BBC News bulletin on a tablet app showed that the premise still held true in the year 2019.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 11th
2019.

Permalink 18 Comments

Cthulhu’s Cardinal and A Welsh Werewolf On Saint David’s Day

March 1, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic romance, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


The February 1928 issue of Weird Tales in which H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu is first introduced to the world in the short story “The Call of Cthulhu”.

Since Samhain Cardinal Salaman’s official episcopal title (bestowed on him by Pope Francis) was the Archbishop of the Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains (a diocese officially created for the kabbalistic magic practicing former professional stage magician by Pope Francis), the Kabbalistic Cardinal said a Mass in commemoration of Saint David since Saint David is the Patron Saint of Wales and today March 1st was Saint David’s Day.

After saying Mass and having a breakfast of Welsh rarebit that frightened off the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre’s painted egg laying rabbit Vincent Van Yolk because he thought the cardinal said “Welsh rabbit”, Cardinal Salaman had coffee with the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (As the Cardinal was known by his initials being the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service).

Salaman informed JM that the gypsy vampiress and resident Vatican tarot card reader Stephania Borgia had prophecied that he, Samhain Cardinal Salaman, would become the next Pope if he could convince Francis to elevate a Welsh werewolf to the Cardinalate.

This would of course entail Salaman to visit his diocese in Wales in hopes of finding himself a Welsh werewolf.

The problem was since Francis had already artificially created a new diocese in Wales to make Cardinal Salaman an Archbishop, where would this new Welsh werewolf (if he could find one) Cardinal have his diocese?

Cardinal JM laughed and said, “No problem. Pope Francis has already named a committee to see if it’s possible to canonize H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu a Cathoic Saint since the Holy Father feels that naming the hundreds of meters tall octopus, dragon and giant human hybrid Great Old One malevolent deity who came down from the dark stars a Catholic Saint would constitute a huge breakthrough in ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue.”


Cthulhu: Will he be proclaimed a Catholic Saint by Pope Francis?

“Well, it probably would constitute that,” Cardinal Salaman had to admit, “but how will that help me out?”.

“Well, His Holiness is thinking of declaring the lost South Pacific City of R’lyeh (close to that ocean’s Nemo point) where Cthulhu and his other vast loathsome shaped entity Great Old Ones reside hidden in green slimy vaults in the nighmare corpse city beneath the sea a Catholic Archdiocese which will of course require an Archbishop.”

“My problem is solved,” Salaman smiled as he threw the tarot card of Death down on the table.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was being briefed by the Australian-French head of the French Intelligence Service Inspector Jocko Clouseau that the right-wing populist government of Italy was plotting his overthrow.

“How do they plan to do this?” Macron asked as he ate his French toast that had been prepared in the shape of a cougar.

“They’ve formed an alliance with a Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI who is intent on restoring the Bonapartist Empire to France with himself as Emperor,” Clouseau read aloud from his ketchup and gravy covered notes, “This Kraken used to be the Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who, after he was diagnosed with an incurable fatal disease, uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg Octopus- part living octopus and part robot. The self-proclaimed Napoleon VI later met and married the immortal Medusa who was the Gorgon of Greek mythological fame. Medusa is now a good looking and sexy woman again thanks to a radical haircut that removed her snakes that was administered by the famous British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands the 2nd.”

“Did you say that this Medusa was a sexy and good looking woman again?” Macron was down to his third last piece of cougar toast.

“That is correct,” Clouseau pulled a cheeseburger out of his coat pocket and started eating it.

“Being immortal, she’s probably a lot older than I am,” Macron reflected as he was down to his second last piece of cougar toast.

“Undoubtedly,” Clouseau added a pinch of garlic to his cheeseburger.

“I’d like to meet her,” Macron wiped his mouth with a napkin after finishing his last piece of cougar.

. . .


Medusa was once again a sexy looking woman.

. . .


Celebrating Saint David’s Night at her home in Wales was the Welsh vampiress MP Morgana.

The Welsh vampiress Morgana was about to celebrate Saint David’s Night in Wales with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Minutes later at a Bed and Breakfast down the street, her former political opponent in the last British general election the former Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was awakened by the resulting tantric sex earthquake.

The former MP now turned Private Eye (who was also a werewolf) longed for a silver bullet so he could get some sleep.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 1st
2019.

Permalink 6 Comments

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo Attends Baal and Baphomet Cocktail Party

January 27, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was spending his Sunday evening attending a cocktail party in honour of the demons Baal and Baphomet.

The party was being held on one of the top floors of the Empire State Building.

The party room had an excellent view of the ghost of the very late King Herod of Judea (recently granted a dispensation by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld at the request of Pope Francis) dancing around the spire at the top of One World Trade Center.

King Herod had bright almost neon bright translucent pink (rather than brown) pieces of ectoplasmic crap that fell out of his anus as it was sodomized by the spire of One World Trade Center while the latest number one hip hop song was played on a cosmic accordion by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus.

“How delightful!” Andrew Cuomo laughed as he ate a barbequed baby rabbit’s foot and watched the spectacle.

The governor walked over to the statue of the Syrian Greek king Antiochus Epiphanes where the demon Baal stood in front of the statue carving roast pork and handing it out to party goers on plates.

Having picked up some roast pork, he then walked over to the statue and fountain of the Greek god Dionysus which showed Dionysus urinating what appeared to be human blood. The blood was in fact a combination of pig’s blood (according to spirit cook Marina Abramovic) and a pinkish style champagne.

Dionysus urinated the blood on top of the head of his Maenad (female disciple) the Theban princess Agave who was mutilating the body of and ripping off the head of her own son Pentheus.

The bloody pink champagne cocktail was served out in a glass by the demon Baphomet.

With glass of pink champagne in one hand and a plate of roast pork in the other, Gov. Cuomo walked over to some of the editors of the New York Times present at the party.

Not far from Gov. Cuomo stood Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

He was not here on official business but was on a date with a female Turkish diplomat invited to the party.

Whitstable was reading on his smart phone about how a Venezuelan hangman executioner had been ripped apart by a blue eyed white wolf and silver eyed black jaguar earlier this week when he attempted to hang the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec for plotting to overthrow Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

Coincidentally enough, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was herself in an office above this party getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat on behalf of British Intelligence.

She had decorated herself in temporary (albeit realistic looking) tattoos to lure the Russian diplomat who had a fetish for women with permanent tattoos.

Whitstable overheard Cuomo introducing the man who would be the next head of the agency overlooking New York State’s entire Hospital, Health Care and Medical Clinic System to the editors of the New York Times.

Whitstable heard the man speaking with a British accent.

So he looked up.

Whitstable gasped.

The man was the spitting image of the secret Black Museum photo of the real Jack The Ripper that Scotland Yard kept in its archives.

A photo that Whitstable as an Interpol detective had seen.

A man who was apparently an Immortal with the ability to shapeshift into a Kraken.

“Gentlemen, may I present Mr. Jack Locktopus,” Cuomo introduced the new head of the Health Care, Hospital and Medical Clinic Agency to the NYT editors.

The editors smiled at Cuomo’s choice.

A fact for which the New York governor took his Baphomet crucifix (personally blessed by the Jesuit priest Father James Martin) out of his pocket and made an upside down Sign of the Cross.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 27th
2019.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat.

Permalink 14 Comments

Reblog of Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

December 9, 2018 at 9:34 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.

Dracul Van Helsing

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who…

View original post 1,297 more words

Permalink Leave a Comment

What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

Permalink 18 Comments

Next page »