Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat
Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat
The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was at a nearby shopping centre.
He had just finished buying several cans of Diet Coca-Cola from the Dollar Store so he could feed his caffeine addiction.
Outside the dollar store, he noticed an ugly looking woman with her stupid looking boyfriend so he beheaded both of them and cut both of them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Rats soon arrived on the scene and ate the very recently departed pair.
A rodent patrol business operator arrived on the scene and remarked, “Business has never been as brisk as it has been the past week.”
Goatee entered the mall’s food court where another ugly looking woman and her stupid looking boyfriend were leaving the scene of their aesthetic and IQ insulting crimes against humanity.
The satyr quickly beheaded and dismembered them (likewise into 999 trillion pieces each) with his astral laser machete.
A Darth Vader wannabe and pen ultimate Star Wars science-fiction fan (who so far had spent the 1st 35 years of his life living downstairs in his parents’ basement and still didn’t know what a shower was used for) said to himself, “I want to get me one of those” as he looked through the window of the mall’s food court.
Rats likewise came over and ate the aesthetic and IQ challenged deceased couple’s multitudinous remains.
When Goatee went to the Subway sandwich counter, a stupid looking individual stood there at the counter and was taking forever to make up his mind (or whatever little there was of it) to decide what he wanted.
Goatee decided for the individual by beheading him and dismembering him according to the satyr’s OCD pre-ordained numerical ratio.
Goatee then decided to go and make his own sandwich at home.
Rats ate the remains of the mindless loser who had gone totally to pieces at the Subway sandwich counter and then rushed to the nearest washrooms where they tossed their cookies (metaphorically speaking).
On his way out from the mall, Goatee received a phone call from his friend the demon goat Krampus (who held joint Bavarian and Austro-Hungarian citizenship although it did him little good in this global interconnected world since both the kingdom of Bavaria and the Austro-Hungarian Empire no longer existed).
Krampus remarked that within the past 24 hours, he had just developed an allergy to the melody of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony whenever it was played.
Now, Krampus sighed, he would no longer be able to attend any events where the European Union National Anthem was played.
“What an awful week you’re having, my friend,” Goatee was sympathetic.
. . .
A giant robotic metal rat was being unveiled by Huawei Technologies for this year of the Metal Rat.
As China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping watched the Metal Rat appear, he wondered why it had the head of a demon buffalo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 30th
2020
Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death
Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death
Pan Goatee was enjoying an egg salad sub sandwich that he had bought from the Subway in the local shopping mall food court.
When he had finished the sandwich, he was going to buy himself a dozen Subway cookies for $6.
Just then an ugly looking female member of the ISIS Islamic State went up to the Subway with her detonation belt.
Goatee quickly beheaded the ugly looking creature before she could do any damage.
Although she had already caused a great deal of damage to the aesthetic environment with her ugliness.
Goatee then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.
Rats recently released from the 1971 American horror film Willard in a repertory theatre then ate the ugly looking female suicide bomber.
They then vomited in nearby washrooms.
Goatee received a text message from the demon goat Krampus.
Krampus told Goatee that he had recently developed an allergy to the musical melody of the Johann Strauss waltz The Blue Danube whenever it was played.
“Wow, what a bummer,” Goatee stated sympathetically.
. . .
Today was the 200th Anniversary of King George III’s death.
And as such, Hades the god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of King George III a temporary dispensation to leave the Underworld.
As Cerberus was busy licking up the salt remains of Lot’s wife at the entrance/exit to the Underworld, the English poets Robert Southey and Lord Byron both stood there weeping at the cave of Hades/Sheol as they watched the late King George III of England leave (albeit only for a day).
Southey and Byron were not weeping over the late George III’s temporary absence but over the fact that both poets were wrong over their respective visions of judgment of King George III’s soul.
For George III had not entered heaven according to either man’s poetic thesis but was rather still currently spending a lot more time in Purgatory than either poet imagined (since neither Southey nor Byron had believed in Purgatory in their mortal lives).
The only people who were more upset than Southey or Byron at George III leaving Purgatory were the Puritan founders of America (who were mainly upset by the fact that Purgatory existed).
Hades and Persephone, after consultation with various devils and fallen angels, had come to the conclusion that the greatest Purgatorial punishment for the Puritans was for the ghost of Hamlet’s father King Hamlet of Denmark to drop by on a daily basis (as they were roasting away on their barbecue spits) and bang his staff (borrowed from Tolkien’s Middle Earth hero Gandalf) and announce to them, “The Bard was right. The Bard was right.”
He would then break into his speech that he had once delivered to young Hamlet,
“I am thy father’s spirit,
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
Are burnt and purged away.”
And then as ever on a daily basis, Oliver Cromwell was cut up and put into an Irish shepherd’s pie and roasted in the oven.
Only to be repeated the next day.
George III spent his 200th deathday watching the impeachment trial of Donald Trump in the U.S. Senate while sitting next to U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts in the Senate chamber.
“So, this is what Washington and Jefferson and Ben Franklin’s project has come to,” George III laughed as he drank his now tax free ghostly tea rescued from the bottom of Boston Harbour.
As for Ben Franklin and his friend the English aristocratic rake Sir Francis Dashwood, they no longer found the terms “Members of the Hellfire Club” so funny anymore.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 29th
2020.
Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat
Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat
“When was this photo taken?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest as he held a martini (stirred not shaken) at an exhibition of the photographs that never made it into LIFE Magazine during the years of its existence.
“Sometime in the 1950s in Havana, Cuba,” Forrest answered.
“That’s a zombie isn’t it?” Renfield inquired.
“It is,” Forrest replied as he accepted the cocktail drink called the Zombie that was handed to him by his living dead walking dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.
Dead skeleton meets living dead Zombie.
. . .
Krampus the demon-goat of old Bavaria and the old Austro-Hungarian Empire received an elegantly written handwritten note from his friend the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who specialized in killing ugly women) complaining about the vast number of ugly women living in the City of Calgary.
Krampus decided to help his friend out.
He went to a Calgary repertory theatre that were showing the 1971 American horror film Willard (about a young man who trains rats to eat people) to mark the start of the new Chinese lunar new year The Year of the Rat that begins today.
It was the sort of thing that a city like Calgary known for its brainless white Caucasian males (with the exception of Pan Goatee as well as a journalist/historian/geopolitical analyst who lived on a medical disability pension) and its hideous repulsively ugly Caucasian white females (of which sadly there were very few exceptions) would put on to mark the start of a Chinese New Year that called itself the Year of The Rat.
Krampus went to the theatre and calling upon an ancient spell from an ancient Aztec copy of The Necronomicon brought the rats to life off the movie screen and into the theatre where they proceeded to eat the brainless white men and the ugly white women.
After vomiting their unsatisfactory meals into the theatre toilets and urinals, the rats then went running out into the streets of Calgary.
Fortunately a former Neo-Nazi (who this morning had become a born again non-white supremacist after seeing how ugly the white women of Calgary were thus showing the idea of whites being the master race to be a total lie) had already left the downtown core and so avoided being eaten by the rats.
Pan Goatee meanwhile was entering his nearby shopping mall food court.
Approaching from the direction of the public library was an ugly looking white woman who looked like a hideous medieval cathedral gargoyle sporting an Afro.
“Cultural appropriation again, eh, you pathetic blemish on the peas in the garden of Mendelian genetics,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the creature and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
As he walked away, no dark glasses wearing and barf bag wearing Hounds of Hell showed up.
As they were all being treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from trying to environmentally dispose of Goatee’s uglocidal victims the other day.
Goatee went inside the food court where he was enjoying a Vietnamese submarine sandwich and a Lebanese donair style pizza.
Unfortunately for him, the most hideously ugly thin stoat sized white woman in all recorded history walked by and walked around the food court.
Goatee immediately cut up the ugly woman into 999 trillion pieces without bothering to behead her first.
He put on Welder’s glasses and put his astral laser machete on slow-mo (for slow motion) to take its time on cutting up the ugly looking creature into tiny pieces.
Using the Michtlantecuhtli tempus suspendendi ray, Goatee was able to withhold death from ending the uglo’s agony until such time as the 999 trillionth piece fell to the floor.
“How am I going to clean up this mess?” The food court janitor asked as he arrived on the scene.
His answer soon became apparent with the arrival of hundreds of thousands of rats who appeared and proceeded to eat up the Guinness Book of World Records holding uglo thin sized stoat award winner.
Another group of hundreds of thousands of rats went into the washroom where they vomited up the remains of the white uglo looking gargoyle with the Afro they had encountered and eaten outside.
Well so far today, Goatee had encountered an uglo looking gargoyle and an uglo looking stoat.
All that was needed to totally ruin his day was for him to encounter a fat ugly blimp.
That happened as soon as he went outside to cross the street to the bus stop in front of the high school.
There approaching him was a fat ugly blimp with her stupid looking brainless white boyfriend (with lousy taste in women).
Goatee beheaded the blimp as well as her stupid boyfriend.
He cut up both uglo and brainless boyfriend into 999 trillion pieces each.
He wasn’t sure what 999 trillion x 2 was as he had left his antique Chinese abacus at home.
He wondered if it would have taken him awhile to figure out that particular multiplication.
Oh well, he wouldn’t worry about it, he thought as he headed for home.
Up on the roof of the high school, Socrates and Ben the two mastermind rats who lead the band of rats in the 1971 film Willard were busy examining the satellite TV dish at the top of the high school as there were no satellite TV dishes on top of high schools back in the era of 1971.
. . .
The demon Mephistopheles to the Norse goddess Hel: I wonder what the Year of the Rat will bring, my dear?
. . .
Yaya Han the Chinese leprechaun had a combined Chinese Lunar New Year/Robbie Burns Day dinner celebration with Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
They had sweet and sour haggis as a Beijing wrestler wearing a little known Ming Dynasty tartan style kilt recited Robbie Burns’ Address To A Haggis before plunging the ancient Chinese dagger into the haggis.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 25th
2020.
Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn
Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn
“So,” Amadeus asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “Did you hear that after Justin Trudeau had finished making fun of Donald Trump at the Buckingham Palace reception the other night, he grabbed a box of opium laced catnip, came out to the Set Estate, gave the opium laced catnip to the Boss’ guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore to send her off to La-La-Land and then proceeded to engage in mystical communion with the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever?”.
“I heard that,” Renfield acknowledged after he watched the garbage men sanitation engineers getting high after emptying the garbage cans containing Nefertiti Galore’s cat litter.
“I assume that Justin then probably met his alien friend Gali-Gula the ET gray from Planet Nibiru who’s possessed by the spirit of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula?” Amadeus ate his toast.
“Harvey Tallbanger tells me that he did,” Renfield nodded, “Gali-Gula helped Trudeau write the Canadian Governor-General’s Speech From The Throne which was read today at the opening of the new session of the Canadian Parliament in Ottawa.”
Amadeus read from the Canadian throne speech on his laptop the following words, “We all share the same space/time continuum on the same planetary spaceship.”
“I think Justin was not the only one inhaling Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke,” Renfield remarked, “Gali-Gula must have imbibed a great deal as well to pen that whopper of a line.”
“Moving on to another subject,” Amadeus read to Renfield the following news item, “It was announced this past December 3rd that Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen who was 20th Century America’s greatest Roman Catholic evangelist and preacher has had his beatification ceremony postponed. He was supposed to be beatified this coming December 21st but the ceremony has been postponed. Apparently the first time in Church history that a beatification ceremony has been postponed. What’s up with that?”.
“Apparently certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops objected to Sheen being beatified,” Renfield replied.
“Why would they object to Sheen being beatified?” Amadeus inquired.
“Because Sheen was a staunch anti-Communist and what’s more he was truly intellectual and scholarly in his anti-Communism unlike most members of the John Birch Society. Therefore true Communists detested Sheen even more than they did the John Birch Society whom they just regarded as a bunch of “proletarian deplorables”. An elitist attitude still shared by 21st Century female Marxist candidates for President.”
“You’re saying certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops are Communists?” Amadeus was shocked.
“Yes, either Communist or predatory homosexual (who sexually assault altar boys and young seminarians) or both,” Renfield nodded, “Sheen did not get along well with the predatory homosexual Archbishop of New York City Francis Cardinal Spellman. Hence Spellman’s modern day disciples among the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops can’t stand Sheen either.”
“Wow,” Amadeus shook his head.
“Elizabeth Scalia an airheaded associate of the ludicrous Bishop Robert Barron who thinks Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot are in Heaven since there’s nobody in Hell according to his Dare We Hope That All Are Saved? Theology (both Jesus of Nazareth and Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist could easily tell him “No.”) tried to say that Sheen himself was gay by calling him a “flouncy” in one of her Twitter tweets. She obviously never saw the episode of What’s My Line? where Archbishop Sheen as a guest easily charmed the women panelists. Most women can easily tell whether a man is gay or not unless of course they’re as stupid as Elizabeth Scalia.”
“Who’s leading the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops’ charge against Bishop Sheen’s beatification?” Amadeus inquired.
“The spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of New York City Timothy Cardinal Dolan and the spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of Chicago Blaise Cardinal Cupich,” Renfield answered, “The usual suspects.”
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking the streets of Vienna the Austrian capital.
He stood in front of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna where recently a Baphomet worshipping music and dance concert was held there with the permission of Christoph Cardinal Schonborn the Archbishop of Vienna.
As Whitstable stood there, he suddenly noticed Cardinal Schonborn himself walking down the street.
Suddenly Krampus the infamous half-goat half demon who used to follow around the saintly bishop Saint Nicholas came down the street.
Krampus was carrying his bag full of naughty individuals he was taking to Hell on this Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th- the night before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas which was December 6th).
Krampus picked up Cardinal Schonborn with his hairy arms and threw him into his bag.
He then went down a sewer no doubt on his way to Hell.
Whitstable bought himself a candy cane from a street corner Santa Claus.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 5th
2019.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec singing at a concert hall in Vienna while outside in the streets, Krampus is carrying Vienna’s screaming Archbishop Cardinal Schonborn in a bag on his way to Hell.
Cthulhu and Goat Krampus On The Feast of Stephen: A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol
(to be sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas the 1853 Christmastide carol written by John Mason Neale)
Cthulhu and goat Krampus on the Feast of Stephen
Donald Trump destroyed young girl’s belief in Santa dreamin’
Now Saint Nick’s dark sidekick will to Trump be cruel
And make minced meat out of the toupee wearing fool
Krampus now coming for Donald Trump
Donald Trump will wreck dreams and dreamers in effort to build a wall
to make up for the fact that his dick is really small
Into the demon goat’s bag went he with his tweets a’screamin’
he’ll be taken to a real hot place where all the walls are steamin’
No hope of escape for him you see
Francis wrong and right is Dante
while Hillary switches her broomstick for a donkey
As for Cthulhu that Great Old One, he fell in love with Riana
Indonesian ghost magician who performed for Cowell’s talent panorama
Now her country came under atack by that old Anak Krakatoa
A tsunami created when that old Anakim giant’s volcano overfloweth
Now Cthulhu is really pissed and cannot stand it much longer
He will wrestle with that anakim to see which one is stronger
Cthulhu will do battle with that evil offspring of Nephilim the Anak Krakatau in vengeance for the deaths of the Sacred Riana’s countrymen and women
So Donald Trump now roasts in Hell as old Cerberus rings a bell
and Pavlov drools expecting food in that place where dead do dwell
Hades’ realm has grown quite swell as its global warming times excel
Sacred Riana waits with her ghosts possessing
to see which giant will wind up as salad dressing
The Sacred Riana awaits the outcome of the battle between Cthulhu and the Anak Krakatau
-A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol,
Supernatural Narrative Poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
On The Feast of Stephen
Wednesday December 26th
2018.
Krampus Takes A Paris Detour On Krampusnacht
It was the night of Krampusnacht
and all through the house
in Austria and Bavaria
and places thereabout
The Austro-Bavarian demon/goat hybrid Krampus roamed
the son of the Norse goddess Hel and Bucca Dhu
Hel who was Loki’s daughter and the goddess ruler
of the Norse underworld in Niflheim
Bucca Dhu who was the Black Goat horned god of the winter months
in Cornish witchcraft
Hel came down from her frostbitten parts north of Thule, Hyperborea and Scandinavia
And Bucca Dhu traveled east from the Cornish coast across the wild Cornish moors and east across England and then across the channel
And northeastwards towards the Alps of Bavaria and Austria
They met
And they spent 40 days and 40 nights making out in various locales
Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, the South Tyrol region and the province of Trento in northern Italy, Slovakia and Slovenia
The product of their union was Krampus whose name is derived from the German word krampen meaning claw
Krampus is the demonic anti-Santa
The entity who punishes bad children on Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th) in the regions of Central Europe named above
Just as Saint Nicholas rewards good children on Saint Nicholas’ Night
(December 6th)
Tonight however the cosmic powers that be
Determined that Krampus must take a detour
and drag screaming down to Hell
The cougar chasing, mascara and make-up wearing, metrosexual elitist snob President of France Emmanuel Macron
For the gods and goddesses of all the ancient religions loved Paris
And thanks to Macron’s stupidity, Paris was burning
And so Macron must be punished
And the instrument of punishment: Krampus
So Krampus pushed Macron into his black sack of coal
and took him to Hell
The underworld realm of Hades
Where he was ferried across the River Styx by Charon
And then bitten in the ass by the 3-headed dog Cerberus
Kicked in the balls by Persephone the Queen of the Underworld
And barfed on by Napoleon the 1st Emperor of the French
He was then escorted to Tartarus by Krampus
While there he passed one of the waiting rooms to Tartarus
What looked to be an old schoolroom from the 1920s
Where the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes
the immortal twin sister of the great detective Sherlock Holmes
had been hired by Hades for a week to give spankings to naughty boys
prior to their entering Tartarus
She had been hired temporarily to replace the 3 Furies (Erinyes)
who had all come down with a bad case of the flu
“Yes, yes!” Cried Macron as his mascara started running
due to the heat of the nearby flames,
“I need to be spanked by Sherrielock!”
Krampus smiled sadistically and replied
in a voice more sinister than that of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld,
“No Sherrielock for you!”.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
on Krampusnacht
Wednesday December 5th
2018.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hoping to convince Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to join her in surpassing the Guinness Book of World Records world record for the most consecutive days and nights of continuously making out which is currently held by the Norse goddess Hel and the Cornish Black Goat horned god Bucca Dhu.
Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus
Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus
Pan Goatee was hating living in Calgary.
He had never seen so many ugly women in one place as he had in this city.
The DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer had been ordered by DARPA to spy on supporters of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Federal Liberal Party in this city and bump them off if necessary.
DARPA was following the strict orders of a certain toupee wearing bozo (whose DARPA code name was the GOO – short for Great Orange 🍊 Orifice) in doing this.
The trouble was since there were so many ugly women in the city, Pan Goatee was spending a lot more time on his hobby of serial killing ugly women than he was on following instructions for DARPA.
In addition to killing ugly women, Pan Goatee had also been burning down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in the city as part of his urban improvement project.
However he had developed machete wielder’s elbow on his right arm (as a result of beheading multitudes of ugly women with his astral laser machete) and arsonist’s thumb on his left hand (as a result of setting fires that burned down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods).
He was in pretty rough shape and Obamacare really didn’t help pay for treating his ailments.
“What a stupid policy Obamacare was,” Pan Goatee seethed.
Goatee asked Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA to make a genetic clone of Krampus (the half-demon half goat entity) who served as assistant to the saintly Saint Nicholas in Bavaria, Austria and Central Europe during the festive Advent and Christmas 🎄 seasons.
“I need Krampus as my assistant,” he explained.
Through cutting back financial support to ISIS, al-Qaeda, al-Nusra and other Islamist terrorists fighting Bashar al-Assad in Syria, the U.S. government was able to find the funding necessary to genetically clone Krampus.
Krampus was delighted to provide his DNA for a genetic clone of himself to serve as a personal assistant to Pan Goatee.
He was a big admirer of Pan Goatee’s and had in fact started an online Facebook fan club for the satyr serial killer of ugly looking women.
Numerous feminist groups and Hillary Clinton supporters had petitioned Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to remove the group off Facebook but Zuckerberg refused.
Krampus had threatened to carry Zuckerberg off to Hell this coming December if he disbanded the group.
Just on the off chance that Pope Francis’ judgement on Hell was about as good as his judgement in covering up for pedophile covering bishops, Zuckerberg didn’t want to take a chance.
This Saturday September 15th 2018, Dr. Faustus Imhotep presented Krampus’ genetic clone Krampus The 2nd as a gift 💝 to Pan Goatee.
Krampus The 2nd jogged 7 times around the city of Calgary in honour of the 7 Hills of Rome.
Krampus then carried a large Christmas sack behind him as he and Pan Goatee went off to do a day’s work.
When Pan went to buy a submarine sandwich, a fat ugly white blimp got in his way.
“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her ugly looking face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Krampus then beheaded her with Pan’s astral laser machete and proceeded to cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.
He shoved the pieces into a Pope Francis approved environmentally friendly plastic garbage bag and put it into his sack and ran off to a drug gang controlled neighbourhood which the cloned demon goat burnt down with the fat ugly blimp’s arson soaked remains.
He rejoined Pan Goatee as Goatee stood at a traffic light.
Goatee noticed a fat ugly white blimp across the street from him and so he went and punched her in the face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Krampus The 2nd beheaded her.
666 quintillion pieces.
Environmentally friendly garbage bag.
Arson soaked fat ugly blimp remains.
Bye-bye another drug gang controlled neighbourhood.
The demon goat jogged back to rejoin the half-human half-goat satyr.
Goatee tried jaywalking across the street but a cop stopped him.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket,” said the cop.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to order you beheaded,” said Pan Goatee.
Krampus The 2nd repeated the process with the cop as he did for the two fat ugly white blimps.
The cop would have been happy to know that his arson soaked remains burnt down another drug gang controlled neighbourhood. 😀
Goatee and Krampus The 2nd went for a ride on the transit train.
A fat ugly white blimp tried to board the train as Goatee was getting off.
“Out of the way, you hideously fat ugly repulsive looking creature,” Goatee punched her full force in her fat ugly face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Behead. Slash into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. Another drug gang neighbourhood sings a mournful dirge version of that old campfire 🔥 folk song Kumbaya.
Krampus The 2nd was getting it down to a fine art form.
When the cloned half-demon half goat rejoined the half-Human half-goat satyr, Goatee was boarding the transit train again.
This time a fat ugly white blimp got on behind him.
“You fucking fat ugly cow,” Goatee shouted at her, “Why don’t you have the decency to wear a paper bag over your head when you go out in public, you inconsiderate fat assed ton of lard.”
He punched her full force right in her stupid fat ugly pathetic face.
As Pan Goatee headed off to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital to get four knuckles and four fingers on his left hand bandaged, Krampus The 2nd went into full gear.
Beheading. Slicing into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. 360 alarm fire.
Nero’s ghost played on his violin 🎻 Another One Bites The Dust while Pablo Escobar’s ghost counted the number of Air Miles points he had earned from buying boxes of ghostly spectral Kleenex tissues.
Krampus The 2nd: Aiding Pan Goatee in his ongoing campaign to rid the world of ugly looking women and other annoying people.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 15th
2018.
Christmas Cheer 2017
Christmas Cheer 2017
A group home for mentally disabled young women was hosting a Christmas swim and pool party in the swimming pool of a community leisure centre.
Their caregivers and group home leaders stood on the deck and watched festivities carefully.
Suddenly 6 Vampiric Knights-Templars entered the pool area and opened fire with sub-machine guns.
The caregivers and group home leaders fell to the pool deck dead in pools of blood.
The Vampiric Knights-Templar then opened fire on the mentally challenged young women in the swimming pool.
Soon the water turned from crystal clear to blood red.
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal entered the pool area and started throwing canisters of Byzantine Greek fire (whose recipe had been lost to humanity for several centuries) into the pool setting the water on fire.
“Merry Christmas,” Allatallahbel laughed a sinister laugh.
. . .
This Christmas season when Krampus decided to go after naughty adults instead of naughty children, he realized it was going to take more than the evening of Krampusnacht to accomplish all that.
He had hired the DARPA-based satyr (half-man half goat) serial killer Pan Goatee to help him.
Krampus was currently in a bar with a bunch of loudmouth obnoxious drunken businessmen and bankers.
He gave the signal to Pan Goatee who mowed them all down with his laser sabre sub-machine gun.
Krampus then put the bodies in a bag while Pan Goatee gathered up their spirits and put them in an empty bottle of whiskey.
Before placing the cap on the bottle, Pan Goatee shouted into it, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a permanent dark night.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 8th
2017.
Krampusnacht 2017
Krampusnacht 2017
The half-goat half-demon creature of the Christmas season Krampus (who might be thought of as the Anti-Saint Nicholas) was busy gathering up Canadian advertisers and putting them in coal sacks to carry them off to Hell as the commercials and TV ads shown on Canadian television this year of 2017 were the most depraved in history.
The advertisers vigorously objected to their fate but Krampus ignored their pleas and put them in his sack anyways.
Canada’s pot smoking and pot legalizing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau only escaped being put in a bag and being carried off to Hell by putting a lamp shade over his head and holding a sign in front of him that said I Don’t Pose For Selfies.
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was pissed at the fact that the International Olympic Committee had banned his country from participating at next year’s Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang South Korea.
“You should really do something about it,” said the demon Moloch who was appearing to Putin in the apparitional form of the Archangel Michael.
“What should I do?” Putin ripped up a subpoena from U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
“Who don’t you invade Israel?” Moloch as Michael suggested.
“Why should I invade Israel?” Putin said while glancing at a Happy Hanukkah greeting card someone had sent him.
“Why not?” Moloch as Michael shrugged.
“I need a better reason than that,” Putin said as he ate a cracker with Black Sea caviar on it.
“Your influence in the Middle East will soar out of this world,” Moloch smiled, “particularly in lieu of what looks like Donald Trump’s impending announcement that he’s going to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal undivided capital.”
“You might have a point there,” Putin rubbed his chin in contemplative 🤔 fashion.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a caucus meeting with his fellow Transhumanist MP Morgana Fay Lee (the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) the MP for Newbridge in Wales.
They were discussing the possibility of war in the Middle East in lieu of Trump’s announcement on the status of Jerusalem.
“I suppose one good thing that might come out of it is Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan might sever relations with the U.S. if Trump goes ahead,” Renfield stated, “which means that the would be Ottoman Sultan would be kicked out of NATO.”
A scream could be heard coming from the next room as a British Conservative MP accused of sexual harassment by dozens of women was thrown into Krampus’ bag.
Renfield looked at the calendar and commented, “That’s right. It is Krampusnacht tonight isn’t it?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 5th
2017.
Krampus At Christmas 2017
Krampus at Christmas 2017
The old Austro-Hungarian Empire figure of Krampus (an anthropomorphic half-goat half-demon entity who during the Christmas season punished children who misbehaved) was getting negative media attention and bad publicity in this current decade of the 21st Century.
Why, some people were asking, was he picking on bad children at Christmas time?
Surely bad adults were more of a threat to the world.
Instead of leaving lumps of coal in bad children’s stockings and then carrying them off to Hell while whipping them with ruten (bundles of birch branches), a media consultant recommended the following in a paid report to Krampus,
“In an age of climate change and increasing concern about the impact of man-made CO2 emissions on producing that climate change, it’s probably not a good thing to put coal in children’s stockings as they might burn the coal and this will lead to the melting of a glacier in Antarctica 🇦🇶 which in turn will affect the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Africa that in turn will lead to a bottle of a New Age hair care product endorsed by Oprah Winfrey falling off the shelf in a Safeway store. We cannot allow such things to happen.”
The report went on, “Whipping people with ruten (bundles of birch) is also considered very passé in lieu of the recent popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. A whip or riding crop would probably be considered more contemporary and modern.”
The report concluded, “Finally don’t pick on naughty children as adults these days seem to be more naughty and childishly naughty than most children. I’m not going to mention any names of course. Let us just call such individuals (as my friend the rabbi in Elaine Benes’ building on Seinfeld would say) Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.”
Krampus decided therefore to pick on naughty adults this Christmas.
He’d start with the majority of women in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, who judging from their immense obesity were obviously consuming more of the world’s resources in a disproportionate fashion to that of other people.
He had read an article written by the noted Pan Goatee talking about how this was creating a severe negative impact on the beauty of the world.
Renfield R. Renfield had also alluded to this in a speech he gave to the British House of Commons, “Judging from their size, if the vast majority of Calgary women would just cut back on one meal a month, there would be enough food left over to feed the poor children of Africa for a year.”
Krampus would drag the fat women of Calgary down to Hell (he had hired several giant cranes, monster sized fork lifts and Athabasca tar sands sized tractor trailers to help him for this purpose).
And then he’d take on and take down several other naughty adults as well until he worked his way to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 3rd
2017.
