Cthulhu and Goat Krampus On The Feast of Stephen: A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol
(to be sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas the 1853 Christmastide carol written by John Mason Neale)
Cthulhu and goat Krampus on the Feast of Stephen
Donald Trump destroyed young girl’s belief in Santa dreamin’
Now Saint Nick’s dark sidekick will to Trump be cruel
And make minced meat out of the toupee wearing fool
Krampus now coming for Donald Trump
Donald Trump will wreck dreams and dreamers in effort to build a wall
to make up for the fact that his dick is really small
Into the demon goat’s bag went he with his tweets a’screamin’
he’ll be taken to a real hot place where all the walls are steamin’
No hope of escape for him you see
Francis wrong and right is Dante
while Hillary switches her broomstick for a donkey
As for Cthulhu that Great Old One, he fell in love with Riana
Indonesian ghost magician who performed for Cowell’s talent panorama
Now her country came under atack by that old Anak Krakatoa
A tsunami created when that old Anakim giant’s volcano overfloweth
Now Cthulhu is really pissed and cannot stand it much longer
He will wrestle with that anakim to see which one is stronger
Cthulhu will do battle with that evil offspring of Nephilim the Anak Krakatau in vengeance for the deaths of the Sacred Riana’s countrymen and women
So Donald Trump now roasts in Hell as old Cerberus rings a bell
and Pavlov drools expecting food in that place where dead do dwell
Hades’ realm has grown quite swell as its global warming times excel
Sacred Riana waits with her ghosts possessing
to see which giant will wind up as salad dressing
The Sacred Riana awaits the outcome of the battle between Cthulhu and the Anak Krakatau
-A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol,
Supernatural Narrative Poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
On The Feast of Stephen
Wednesday December 26th
2018.
Krampus Takes A Paris Detour On Krampusnacht
It was the night of Krampusnacht
and all through the house
in Austria and Bavaria
and places thereabout
The Austro-Bavarian demon/goat hybrid Krampus roamed
the son of the Norse goddess Hel and Bucca Dhu
Hel who was Loki’s daughter and the goddess ruler
of the Norse underworld in Niflheim
Bucca Dhu who was the Black Goat horned god of the winter months
in Cornish witchcraft
Hel came down from her frostbitten parts north of Thule, Hyperborea and Scandinavia
And Bucca Dhu traveled east from the Cornish coast across the wild Cornish moors and east across England and then across the channel
And northeastwards towards the Alps of Bavaria and Austria
They met
And they spent 40 days and 40 nights making out in various locales
Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, the South Tyrol region and the province of Trento in northern Italy, Slovakia and Slovenia
The product of their union was Krampus whose name is derived from the German word krampen meaning claw
Krampus is the demonic anti-Santa
The entity who punishes bad children on Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th) in the regions of Central Europe named above
Just as Saint Nicholas rewards good children on Saint Nicholas’ Night
(December 6th)
Tonight however the cosmic powers that be
Determined that Krampus must take a detour
and drag screaming down to Hell
The cougar chasing, mascara and make-up wearing, metrosexual elitist snob President of France Emmanuel Macron
For the gods and goddesses of all the ancient religions loved Paris
And thanks to Macron’s stupidity, Paris was burning
And so Macron must be punished
And the instrument of punishment: Krampus
So Krampus pushed Macron into his black sack of coal
and took him to Hell
The underworld realm of Hades
Where he was ferried across the River Styx by Charon
And then bitten in the ass by the 3-headed dog Cerberus
Kicked in the balls by Persephone the Queen of the Underworld
And barfed on by Napoleon the 1st Emperor of the French
He was then escorted to Tartarus by Krampus
While there he passed one of the waiting rooms to Tartarus
What looked to be an old schoolroom from the 1920s
Where the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes
the immortal twin sister of the great detective Sherlock Holmes
had been hired by Hades for a week to give spankings to naughty boys
prior to their entering Tartarus
She had been hired temporarily to replace the 3 Furies (Erinyes)
who had all come down with a bad case of the flu
“Yes, yes!” Cried Macron as his mascara started running
due to the heat of the nearby flames,
“I need to be spanked by Sherrielock!”
Krampus smiled sadistically and replied
in a voice more sinister than that of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld,
“No Sherrielock for you!”.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
on Krampusnacht
Wednesday December 5th
2018.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hoping to convince Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to join her in surpassing the Guinness Book of World Records world record for the most consecutive days and nights of continuously making out which is currently held by the Norse goddess Hel and the Cornish Black Goat horned god Bucca Dhu.
Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus
Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus
Pan Goatee was hating living in Calgary.
He had never seen so many ugly women in one place as he had in this city.
The DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer had been ordered by DARPA to spy on supporters of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Federal Liberal Party in this city and bump them off if necessary.
DARPA was following the strict orders of a certain toupee wearing bozo (whose DARPA code name was the GOO – short for Great Orange 🍊 Orifice) in doing this.
The trouble was since there were so many ugly women in the city, Pan Goatee was spending a lot more time on his hobby of serial killing ugly women than he was on following instructions for DARPA.
In addition to killing ugly women, Pan Goatee had also been burning down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in the city as part of his urban improvement project.
However he had developed machete wielder’s elbow on his right arm (as a result of beheading multitudes of ugly women with his astral laser machete) and arsonist’s thumb on his left hand (as a result of setting fires that burned down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods).
He was in pretty rough shape and Obamacare really didn’t help pay for treating his ailments.
“What a stupid policy Obamacare was,” Pan Goatee seethed.
Goatee asked Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA to make a genetic clone of Krampus (the half-demon half goat entity) who served as assistant to the saintly Saint Nicholas in Bavaria, Austria and Central Europe during the festive Advent and Christmas 🎄 seasons.
“I need Krampus as my assistant,” he explained.
Through cutting back financial support to ISIS, al-Qaeda, al-Nusra and other Islamist terrorists fighting Bashar al-Assad in Syria, the U.S. government was able to find the funding necessary to genetically clone Krampus.
Krampus was delighted to provide his DNA for a genetic clone of himself to serve as a personal assistant to Pan Goatee.
He was a big admirer of Pan Goatee’s and had in fact started an online Facebook fan club for the satyr serial killer of ugly looking women.
Numerous feminist groups and Hillary Clinton supporters had petitioned Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to remove the group off Facebook but Zuckerberg refused.
Krampus had threatened to carry Zuckerberg off to Hell this coming December if he disbanded the group.
Just on the off chance that Pope Francis’ judgement on Hell was about as good as his judgement in covering up for pedophile covering bishops, Zuckerberg didn’t want to take a chance.
This Saturday September 15th 2018, Dr. Faustus Imhotep presented Krampus’ genetic clone Krampus The 2nd as a gift 💝 to Pan Goatee.
Krampus The 2nd jogged 7 times around the city of Calgary in honour of the 7 Hills of Rome.
Krampus then carried a large Christmas sack behind him as he and Pan Goatee went off to do a day’s work.
When Pan went to buy a submarine sandwich, a fat ugly white blimp got in his way.
“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her ugly looking face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Krampus then beheaded her with Pan’s astral laser machete and proceeded to cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.
He shoved the pieces into a Pope Francis approved environmentally friendly plastic garbage bag and put it into his sack and ran off to a drug gang controlled neighbourhood which the cloned demon goat burnt down with the fat ugly blimp’s arson soaked remains.
He rejoined Pan Goatee as Goatee stood at a traffic light.
Goatee noticed a fat ugly white blimp across the street from him and so he went and punched her in the face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Krampus The 2nd beheaded her.
666 quintillion pieces.
Environmentally friendly garbage bag.
Arson soaked fat ugly blimp remains.
Bye-bye another drug gang controlled neighbourhood.
The demon goat jogged back to rejoin the half-human half-goat satyr.
Goatee tried jaywalking across the street but a cop stopped him.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket,” said the cop.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to order you beheaded,” said Pan Goatee.
Krampus The 2nd repeated the process with the cop as he did for the two fat ugly white blimps.
The cop would have been happy to know that his arson soaked remains burnt down another drug gang controlled neighbourhood. 😀
Goatee and Krampus The 2nd went for a ride on the transit train.
A fat ugly white blimp tried to board the train as Goatee was getting off.
“Out of the way, you hideously fat ugly repulsive looking creature,” Goatee punched her full force in her fat ugly face with his bandaged thumb left hand.
Behead. Slash into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. Another drug gang neighbourhood sings a mournful dirge version of that old campfire 🔥 folk song Kumbaya.
Krampus The 2nd was getting it down to a fine art form.
When the cloned half-demon half goat rejoined the half-Human half-goat satyr, Goatee was boarding the transit train again.
This time a fat ugly white blimp got on behind him.
“You fucking fat ugly cow,” Goatee shouted at her, “Why don’t you have the decency to wear a paper bag over your head when you go out in public, you inconsiderate fat assed ton of lard.”
He punched her full force right in her stupid fat ugly pathetic face.
As Pan Goatee headed off to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital to get four knuckles and four fingers on his left hand bandaged, Krampus The 2nd went into full gear.
Beheading. Slicing into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. 360 alarm fire.
Nero’s ghost played on his violin 🎻 Another One Bites The Dust while Pablo Escobar’s ghost counted the number of Air Miles points he had earned from buying boxes of ghostly spectral Kleenex tissues.
Krampus The 2nd: Aiding Pan Goatee in his ongoing campaign to rid the world of ugly looking women and other annoying people.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 15th
2018.
Christmas Cheer 2017
Christmas Cheer 2017
A group home for mentally disabled young women was hosting a Christmas swim and pool party in the swimming pool of a community leisure centre.
Their caregivers and group home leaders stood on the deck and watched festivities carefully.
Suddenly 6 Vampiric Knights-Templars entered the pool area and opened fire with sub-machine guns.
The caregivers and group home leaders fell to the pool deck dead in pools of blood.
The Vampiric Knights-Templar then opened fire on the mentally challenged young women in the swimming pool.
Soon the water turned from crystal clear to blood red.
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal entered the pool area and started throwing canisters of Byzantine Greek fire (whose recipe had been lost to humanity for several centuries) into the pool setting the water on fire.
“Merry Christmas,” Allatallahbel laughed a sinister laugh.
. . .
This Christmas season when Krampus decided to go after naughty adults instead of naughty children, he realized it was going to take more than the evening of Krampusnacht to accomplish all that.
He had hired the DARPA-based satyr (half-man half goat) serial killer Pan Goatee to help him.
Krampus was currently in a bar with a bunch of loudmouth obnoxious drunken businessmen and bankers.
He gave the signal to Pan Goatee who mowed them all down with his laser sabre sub-machine gun.
Krampus then put the bodies in a bag while Pan Goatee gathered up their spirits and put them in an empty bottle of whiskey.
Before placing the cap on the bottle, Pan Goatee shouted into it, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a permanent dark night.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 8th
2017.
Krampusnacht 2017
Krampusnacht 2017
The half-goat half-demon creature of the Christmas season Krampus (who might be thought of as the Anti-Saint Nicholas) was busy gathering up Canadian advertisers and putting them in coal sacks to carry them off to Hell as the commercials and TV ads shown on Canadian television this year of 2017 were the most depraved in history.
The advertisers vigorously objected to their fate but Krampus ignored their pleas and put them in his sack anyways.
Canada’s pot smoking and pot legalizing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau only escaped being put in a bag and being carried off to Hell by putting a lamp shade over his head and holding a sign in front of him that said I Don’t Pose For Selfies.
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was pissed at the fact that the International Olympic Committee had banned his country from participating at next year’s Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang South Korea.
“You should really do something about it,” said the demon Moloch who was appearing to Putin in the apparitional form of the Archangel Michael.
“What should I do?” Putin ripped up a subpoena from U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
“Who don’t you invade Israel?” Moloch as Michael suggested.
“Why should I invade Israel?” Putin said while glancing at a Happy Hanukkah greeting card someone had sent him.
“Why not?” Moloch as Michael shrugged.
“I need a better reason than that,” Putin said as he ate a cracker with Black Sea caviar on it.
“Your influence in the Middle East will soar out of this world,” Moloch smiled, “particularly in lieu of what looks like Donald Trump’s impending announcement that he’s going to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal undivided capital.”
“You might have a point there,” Putin rubbed his chin in contemplative 🤔 fashion.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a caucus meeting with his fellow Transhumanist MP Morgana Fay Lee (the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) the MP for Newbridge in Wales.
They were discussing the possibility of war in the Middle East in lieu of Trump’s announcement on the status of Jerusalem.
“I suppose one good thing that might come out of it is Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan might sever relations with the U.S. if Trump goes ahead,” Renfield stated, “which means that the would be Ottoman Sultan would be kicked out of NATO.”
A scream could be heard coming from the next room as a British Conservative MP accused of sexual harassment by dozens of women was thrown into Krampus’ bag.
Renfield looked at the calendar and commented, “That’s right. It is Krampusnacht tonight isn’t it?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 5th
2017.
Krampus At Christmas 2017
Krampus at Christmas 2017
The old Austro-Hungarian Empire figure of Krampus (an anthropomorphic half-goat half-demon entity who during the Christmas season punished children who misbehaved) was getting negative media attention and bad publicity in this current decade of the 21st Century.
Why, some people were asking, was he picking on bad children at Christmas time?
Surely bad adults were more of a threat to the world.
Instead of leaving lumps of coal in bad children’s stockings and then carrying them off to Hell while whipping them with ruten (bundles of birch branches), a media consultant recommended the following in a paid report to Krampus,
“In an age of climate change and increasing concern about the impact of man-made CO2 emissions on producing that climate change, it’s probably not a good thing to put coal in children’s stockings as they might burn the coal and this will lead to the melting of a glacier in Antarctica 🇦🇶 which in turn will affect the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Africa that in turn will lead to a bottle of a New Age hair care product endorsed by Oprah Winfrey falling off the shelf in a Safeway store. We cannot allow such things to happen.”
The report went on, “Whipping people with ruten (bundles of birch) is also considered very passé in lieu of the recent popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. A whip or riding crop would probably be considered more contemporary and modern.”
The report concluded, “Finally don’t pick on naughty children as adults these days seem to be more naughty and childishly naughty than most children. I’m not going to mention any names of course. Let us just call such individuals (as my friend the rabbi in Elaine Benes’ building on Seinfeld would say) Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.”
Krampus decided therefore to pick on naughty adults this Christmas.
He’d start with the majority of women in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, who judging from their immense obesity were obviously consuming more of the world’s resources in a disproportionate fashion to that of other people.
He had read an article written by the noted Pan Goatee talking about how this was creating a severe negative impact on the beauty of the world.
Renfield R. Renfield had also alluded to this in a speech he gave to the British House of Commons, “Judging from their size, if the vast majority of Calgary women would just cut back on one meal a month, there would be enough food left over to feed the poor children of Africa for a year.”
Krampus would drag the fat women of Calgary down to Hell (he had hired several giant cranes, monster sized fork lifts and Athabasca tar sands sized tractor trailers to help him for this purpose).
And then he’d take on and take down several other naughty adults as well until he worked his way to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 3rd
2017.
Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas
Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas
Rod Serling (host of the Twilight Zone):
Gather around kiddies on this night of Saint Nicolas Day
try to avoid the evil fairies or as they say in Wales, the wicked fay
there is a place beyond time and space
that is known to all the human race
a realm of the imagination
you can reach with contemplation
where dawn and dusk meet
and light and dark greet
a place just beyond reach
like the tree with forbidden peach
a place where one’s home ET cannot phone
for this is the realm of the Twilight Zone.
In the land of the Dutch
of which we’ve heard so much
is the figure of Sinterklauss
jovial bloke like your dog with paws
and his wicked sidekick is Black Pete
a guy whose appearance is not neat
he might put you in a sack
and carry you on his back
to a place in far-off Spain
where on the plain it does so rain
or he might drop in your stocking a lump of coal
or place in your favourite sock a gaping hole.
But in the lands of Germanic alpine
over which the Hapsburgs ruled so fine
that kindly Eastern rite bishop Saint Nick
had a much darker sidekick
his name was Krampus
born from Hell’s dark arts campus
A beast-like creature
and that was his best feature
He was a demon
from dark cauldrons steamin’
The Horned God of the Witches
those nocturnal hag bitches.
In appearance he is hairy
unlike a beautiful fairy
He has the horns and cloven hooves of a goat
and a long lolling tongue that can reach down your throat
so if you want to be French kissed by frog prince turned horned toad
just ask to encounter Krampus as you walk down a dark road.
He carries ruten- bundles of birch
and avoiding the Cross on the Church
he uses these to swat bad children with
those on the dark side like the Sith
Krampus carries a washtub and sack on his back
to drown bad children and carry them to Hell’s torturous rack.
Sometimes Krampus appears with one human foot and one cloven hoof
so at medical check-ups he sends the doc through the roof.
But now to tonight’s tale
that shall make your hearts fail
it was on the late night of December 5th
a night much darker than the Sith
and the early morn of December 6
that heralds the start of the day that’s Saint Nick’s
in the year of Our Lord 1944
although to the Fuhrer Jesus was a bore
And Der Fuhrer was asleep in his room in Berlin
his Reich soon to fall like tonight’s bottle of gin
And the Fuhrer dreamed of being a child again in his Austrian birthplace
in the days before he set out to create a Master race
He saw Saint Nicolas approaching and gave him a grin
but the Saint saw Adolf’s future heart blackened by sin
and passed him by without even pinching his chin
Then Krampus approached and saw the boy’s hands steeped in blood
impossible to wash off like the stickiest mud
and Krampus grabbed the lad and threw him in the sack
The boy then awakened on a demon’s dark rack.
The Fuhrer’s cries and screams then literally shook the room
As Germany’s leader saw his future doom.
Some might remember
that 5th of December
in the year of Our Lord 1947
2 years past the time Der Fuhrer failed to make Heaven
for on that night Der Fuhrer’s bunker was destroyed
reminding us to be in Krampus’ hands is a fate to avoid.
-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday December 6th 2014
The Night of Saint Nicolas’ Day
