Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year

February 5, 2019 at 11:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”

“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.

“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”

“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”

He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”

“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.

. . .

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.

It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.

. . .

In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.

A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.

The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.

. . .

In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.

Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.

“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.

“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”

. . .


Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.

“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”

“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.

Advertisements

Permalink 5 Comments

Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and The Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit

May 26, 2018 at 10:10 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and the Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit

After Donald Trump threw a temper tantrum and pulled red spider monkeys out of his hair and cancelled the June 12th Singapore Peace Summit in an announcement this past Thursday May 24th, Kwan Yin the Asian Buddhist goddess of mercy had asked Thoth the Egyptian god of wisdom, the moon and magic along with his immortal formerly mortal companion Serena the Time Traveler to go to the Underworld realm of Hades and ask the entity Hades (known to the Romans as Pluto) to release the ghost of the great film director Orson Welles from Purgatory.

In the past, Hades normally had to consult with the earthly Pope of Rome before he could do such things but since the current Pope Francis no longer believed in Purgatory (or even Hell for that matter), he was able to immediately accede to Kwan Yin’s request.

The ghost of Orson Welles left Hades saying, “Paul Masson will sell no wine 🍷 before its time but Hades will release my ghost before my time.”

Thoth and Serena escorted Welles to the DMZ (demilitarized zone) on the Korean Peninsula where Kwan Yin gave Welles a deadline of 48 hours to arrange a surprise “Hollywood” style summit between North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean President Moon Jae-in.

Welles never followed deadlines much in his mortal life (which is why most American film studios in Hollywood became reluctant to work with him) but what he had failed to do in life, he achieved in death.

The surprise summit happened today Saturday May 26th 2018.

Also present at the surprise summit were Kwan Yin herself as well as the Chinese Communist vampiress Meiling Manchu (who had recently broken with Chinese President Xi Jinping on the grounds he had become a Mao like cult leader and total totalitarian despot) and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Kim and Moon agreed to carry on talks for a planned Singapore Peace Summit between Trump and Kim on June 12th.

Meiling and Qonzilqointec were to go to the White House in Washington DC and hold down the Trumpster while the immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes tomatoed the toupee wearing blowhard’s buttocks with her whip until he agreed to go to the summit as planned.

When Moon and Kim finished their meeting, Orson Welles asked Kwan Yin if it would not be possible for his ghost to remain out of Hades for a while so he could visit London, England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 of which he had fond memories.

Kwan Yin, Thoth and Serena then text messaged Hades on their Divine Celestial Samsung Galaxy 6 Billion Model Smart Phones and put in a special request for the successful director of the surprise “Hollywood” style summit in the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone to spend some more time out of the realm of Hades.

Hades agreed.

He had no objections.

Especially since Welles was consuming most of the wine 🍷 available in the Underworld to the dismay of other clients and patrons.

Kwan Yin the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 26th
2018.

Permalink 13 Comments

Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

February 11, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

The Greek god Apollo was attending the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang.

He was hoping to help bring peace to this troubled part of the world.

Ever since he was brought back from the dead last year, he felt that it was his mission to bring peace to this long-suffering world.

Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander who was a reporter for the Times of London had discovered that Apollo was staying at a hotel in PyeongChang and decided to get an exclusive interview with the Greek deity.

A few weeks before in London when his editors found out that Belvedere knew nothing whatsoever about sports, they immediately assigned him to cover the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In Apollo’s room, Belvedere introduced himself.

Apollo agreed to the interview as the Olympian deity thought it might be kind of cool 😎 to be interviewed by the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Of course Belvedere had not always been like that.

He had once been human having worked as a bartender on Wild West dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes’ Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden Colorado back in the 1880s.

He had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a time traveling enchantress.

And shortly afterwards, he was run over and killed by a caravan covered wagon heading west whereupon he became the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Apollo gave Belvedere some of his own background – the background not covered in most classical mythology textbooks.

When the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed by the Emperor Theodosius the Great in 390 AD, Apollo became severely depressed.

So depressed in fact that he started having suicidal thoughts and of course being an immortal, it was rather difficult to commit suicide.

He happened to run into the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and Apollo told her of his misery.

Lilith happened to have in her possession some poisoned Babylonian grapes 🍇 that were capable of killing an immortal so she gave Apollo some and he promptly died in the year 390 AD.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death and his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year just after sundown, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose archaeological expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis).

Apollo’s father Zeus thereupon came out of the shadows where he had been since his son’s death and tried to find somebody who could bring Apollo back from the dead.

Then in December 2016 Zeus met Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher and asked him if he could find an antidote to the poisonous Babylonian grapes 🍇 of Lilith and bring his son Apollo back from the dead.

In early January 2017, Dr. Rocher succeeded in bringing Apollo back from the dead.

Returned to life, Apollo thought it should be his mission to bring peace to the world- something difficult to do in a world where the likes of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were in power.

Making it even more difficult, Apollo’s brother Ares (the Greek god of war) was hopping back and forth between different spots on the planet sowing conflict and wars.

And Ares was doing it in earnest, very ticked off at the fact that his role in starting and trying to continue the First World War had been exposed in a movie 🎥 that came out last year- Wonder Woman with Gal Gadot.

Then in a further troubling development, Apollo’s brother Hephaestus (the Greek god of metalworking and the forge) had started building ballistic missiles for Kim Jong-un last year making for successful ballistic missile tests that ticked off Donald Trump and caused the latter to tweet even more than he did.

“So given this environment,” Belvedere scribbled with his ghostly pen in his ghostly notebook 📓, “how do you intend to bring peace to this region?”.

“Well,” Apollo poured some Red Bull energy drink into his glass of ambrosia, “I’ve met with Kwan Yin who is an immortal princess worshipped as the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy and compassion here in Asia and discussed my plans with her. In fact, Kwan Yin met with Kim Yo-jong the sister of Kim Jong-un in this very hotel last night.”

“I heard about that,” Belvedere chewed on his ghostly pen with his ghostly white salamander mouth, “Speaking of which, do you know anything about an attack that occurred in this hotel last night in which a satyr was bitten by a blue-eyed white wolf?”.

“No, I hadn’t heard about that,” Apollo sipped his ambrosia-Red Bull hybrid drink, “I didn’t know there were any satyrs left in the world since the death of Pan 2000 years ago.”

“I wonder if Dr. Cadbury Rocher has revived any,” Belvedere spilled ghostly blue ink all over his ghostly white suit.

At that moment, Apollo’s sister Artemis Diana entered the hotel room wearing a metallic short skirt and looking like Gal Gadot’s twin sister.

“Apollo dear,” Artemis spoke, “it’s Ares. He’s trying full blast to start a war between the Israelis and the Syrians.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 11th
2018.

Permalink 18 Comments

Hyung Grace Kwan Meets Kim Yo-jong

February 10, 2018 at 9:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Hyung Grace Kwan Meets Kim Yo-jong

South Korean vampire huntress and National Intelligence Service agent Hyung Grace Kwan (an ex-girlfriend of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing) was meeting with Kim Yo-jong (the half-sister of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) in her hotel room at the request of South Korean President Moon Jae-in.

Both women were dressed identically in white blouses, tight black skirts and black spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.

But despite their similar attire, neither woman seemed embarrassed by wearing a similar wardrobe.

When they had finished discussing what they had to discuss, Hyung Grace Kwan smiled over her cup ☕️ of tea and said, “I have a surprise for you.”

“Really?” Kim Yo-jong seemed intrigued.

Hyung walked to the door.

She opened it and in walked one of Hyung’s ancestresses the princess Kwan Yin who became an immortal and was in fact worshipped as the Buddhist mother goddess of compassion and mercy by various sects of Buddhists throughout Asia. She wore a beautiful pink coloured gown.

“Kwan Yin?” The officially atheist Kim Yo-jong looked surprised as she recognized the Buddhist mother goddess from oil paintings she had seen of her as a child, “You actually exist?”.

“Yes, my child, I do,” Kwan Yin smiled in motherly fashion.

Meanwhile in the hotel lobby, the DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was waiting to go up to the hotel room to assassinate Kim Yo-jong.

He had been ordered to do so by a higher-up in the American NSA.

He could have astral projected into her hotel room but there was some unknown supernatural power present in the hotel that was preventing him from doing so.

So he would have to wait for an opportune moment to break into the hotel room and then bump off the half-sister of Kim Jong-un.

As he waited in the hotel lobby, a contingent of North Korean 🇰🇵 female cheerleaders paraded through the lobby in their sharply attired red skirts and red spiked stiletto high heeled shoes 👠.

“How nice to see nothing but beautiful women,” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “Quite a change from North America particularly the city of Calgary where you seem to see nothing but fat ugly blimps particularly among females of that racial group that Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen consider the master race.”

When the cheerleaders were escorted and locked into their particular hotel rooms by members of a North Korean security detail, Pan Goatee decided to go upstairs and break down the door to Kim Yo-jong’s room and assassinate her.

As he walked up the stairs in his Bermuda shorts showing off his hairy goat’s legs, unbeknownst to the satyr, he was being followed by a wolf pure white in colour.

The pure white wolf also had a unique colour of eyes- Mediterranean blue.

Pan Goatee used his mind’s psychic powers to direct a flying mallet to knock out all the members of the North Korean security detail in the hallway.

Coincidentally in the hotel’s elevators at the time, the elevator music being played was the musical melody to that old Beatles song Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 🔨.

Pan Goatee kicked down the door 🚪 of Kim Yo-jong’s hotel room startling the three women inside the room.

Pan Goatee was startled himself.

He had raised his machete to cut off the head of the woman wearing the North Korean 🇰🇵 flag lapel pin when he noticed she wasn’t ugly.

His superiors at DARPA had told Pan Goatee that Kim Yo-jong was ugly in hopes that would make it easier for him to kill the North Korean despot’s sister.

“Hey, you’re not ugly,” Pan Goatee stood there frozen.

At that moment, the white wolf with blue eyes leapt into the room and bit Pan Goatee on the arm.

“Ouch, that hurts!” Pan Goatee shouted for the satyr was not used to receiving a mortal wound of any sort.

The white wolf with blue eyes then looked at the three women, turned around and left the room.

“Who was that white wolf?” Kim Yo-jong asked as one of the North Korean Women’s Orchestras played Rossini’s William Tell Overture in the hotel’s main ballroom.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 10th
2018.

Permalink 8 Comments

Kwan Yin Meets Hyung Grace Kwan

October 6, 2017 at 7:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Kwan Yin Meets Hyung Grace Kwan

Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy walked the streets of Seoul South Korea 🇰🇷.

During her mortal life, Kwan had been a princess given to acts of charity and compassion and helping the poor, sick and needy.

She had had a few children during her mortal life.

And those children had children of their own.

And now today Kwan Yin was meeting one of her descendants the noted South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

“Hyung,” Kwan said as she hugged and greeted her, “I have a warning for you, your people and the world.”

“Does it involve Kim Jong-un?” Hyung asked.

“No,” Kwan shook her head, “The dark forces act like stage magicians in that they always do something to distract the audience’s attention while they get to the main part of their trick. Kim Jong-un is just a distraction. Putin is the main act.”

“Putin?” Hyung’s jaw dropped.

“Yes, Putin is being advised by the demon Moloch,” Kwan said, “only Moloch is appearing to him in the form of the Archangel Michael. So Putin thinks he’s being advised by Saint Michael the Archangel when he isn’t. And that is a very dangerous situation for the world.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 6th
2017.

Permalink 5 Comments

Kwan Yin In Banff National Park

September 27, 2017 at 3:41 pm (Fantasy, Folklore, Mythology, Nature, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy could sense that the deer in Banff National Park were troubled by the fire in nearby Waterton Lakes National Park.

Their animal senses picked up that something was wrong.

So Kwan Yin went to Banff National Park to comfort the deer.

Kwan Yin her mercy
extends to all God’s creatures
even tiny deer

-A vampire novel chapter
and haiku
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 27th
2017.

Permalink 7 Comments

Day of The Autumn Equinox In Astana Kazakhstan

September 22, 2017 at 6:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Day of The Autumn Equinox in Astana Kazakhstan 🇰🇿

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy Kwan Yin was walking the streets of Astana Kazakhstan 🇰🇿 where this year’s Expo 2017 had taken place.

She was startled to see the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith walking the streets along with the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil Ahriman as well as a grey wolf 🐺 and a Russian Eurasian brown bear 🐻.

Kwan Yin could see the grey wolf 🐺 was possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear 🐻 was possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin.

What were they up to? Kwan Yin wondered to herself.

Behind Kwan Yin, television sets in a store window showed North Korean despot Kim Jong-un watching the music video to Sir Elton John’s song Rocket Man while Donald Trump could be seen looking up the word “dotard” in a medieval 14th Century English dictionary.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 22nd
2017.

Permalink 3 Comments

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

September 16, 2017 at 5:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

Kwan Yin stood outside the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy was wearing a long flowing white dress.

But she was invisible to the Calgary Fire 🔥 Department firefighters standing guard outside the hotel.

As the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith approached in the wind driving the fire towards the hotel, Kwan Yin stood holding a lotus flower 🌺in her hand.

When Lilith, wind and fire got to within 100 metres of the Prince of Wales Hotel, Kwan Yin gently blew lotus petals off the lotus flower 🌺 in the direction of Lilith, wind and fire.

Lilith immediately fell on her ass with the fire singeing the hem of her scarlet red evening dress.

“Bitch,” Lilith fumed at Kwan Yin.

“The kraken Tutsokiua must not be allowed to arise from his sleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake just yet,” Kwan Yin’s voice was the supreme melody of gentleness in feminine speech.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy then vanished leaving Lilith to fume and smoulder along with the ashes and cinders in her hair.

. . .

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un sat in his garden surrounded by fountains, roses and piles of human skulls.

He sat on the ground in lotus position wondering how he’d ever get up again and sang a now virtually forgotten Elvis 🕺 Presley song from the mid-1960s,

“Tell me just how can I take this yoga serious
When all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posterior-us…”

Kim Jong-un made a mental note to himself to have his yoga instructor shot the next day.

In his right hand, he held a daisy flower.

The dictator was awaiting the arrival of Ahriman the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil.

As he waited, Kim pulled a petal off the daisy, saying about Donald Trump, “He loves me…”

Then with the next daisy petal pulled off, he’d say, “He loves me not…”

By the time Ahriman finally arrived, Kim had pulled the final petal off the daisy, “He loves me not…”

. . .

“What’s on your mind, Dracul?” The British Transhumanist Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield asked the Canadian vampire hunter.

“Well,” Dracul Van Helsing responded, “I was at a site last night which had a link that I clicked on and the link was to the on-line papal encyclical Laudato Si. It was getting late so I only read the first few paragraphs.
Now I’ve read many other Papal Encyclicals before- those written by Leo XIII, St. Pius X, Pope Pius XI, Pope Pius XII, St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI.
And I must say after reading the first few paragraphs of Pope Francis’ Laudato Si, I felt like I was reading the opening paragraphs of a badly written Grade 7 Junior High School essay rather than the opening paragraphs of a papal encyclical.”

“Maybe in Pope Francis’ case, they amount to the same thing,” Renfield suggested.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 16th
2017.

Permalink 9 Comments

Kwan Yin: A Poem

February 27, 2017 at 5:42 pm (Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , )

Kwan Yin The Radiant

In her hand she carries the lotus flower
The one who hears the cries of the world
gentle Immortal revered by Taoists
venerated as Goddess of Mercy
by Asian Buddhists

Kwan Yin also spelled Kuan Yin
or Guan Yin
The name Kuan Yin is short for
Kuan Shih Yin (Guan Shi Yin)
which means Observing The Sounds of The World
in other words she who listens to prayers

Kuan Yin or Guan Yin in China
sometimes spelled Kwan Yin in the West
In Japan, she is called Kannon
or more formally Kanzeon
also spelled Kwannon
In Korean, she is called Kwan-um
or Kwan-se-um
In Vietnamese she is called Quan Am
or Quan-The-Am-Bo-That

Years ago this writer in the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia
looked at statues of Kwan Yin in a West Kelowna store
said the proprietor, “A person doesn’t choose a Kwan Yin but
rather the Kwan Yin chooses a person”.
None of the statues called to me

Tuesday night February 21st
stumbling in the cold frozen wind
homeless and without a place to stay
passing a Vietnamese Buddhist monastery
outside was a statue of Kwan Yin
or Quan Am (as she would have been called by the monks inside)

Staring at the statue
the most powerful feeling hit me
Kwan Yin was the Blessed Virgin Mary
in her Asian incarnation
how she appeared to the peoples of the Far East
This Kwan Yin was choosing me
I went up to her
and touched her hand

That night I slept outside on a park bench
in the freezing cold
but the next night I had found a place to stay

Kwan Yin- she who carries the lotus in her hand
has an Immaculate Heart.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday February 27th
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments