Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

May 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm (Entertainment, Music, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

Nero Wilson was getting a haircut in a Los Angeles barber shop so he’d look more like his hero the Roman Emperor Nero when he performed with his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

Nero Wilson’s cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band stage name was Bud Lou) the band’s electrical guitarist was standing in line in a Los Angeles gun store hoping to buy himself a gun.

The reason why Charlie Wilson was buying himself a gun was because Sekhmet the band’s female singer was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun inside her belt for the band’s appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

So Charlie Wilson thought he’d wear a good old authentic American handgun inside his belt for their appearance.

The trouble was as Charlie Wilson was standing in line inside the gun store, he was complaining to everyone in line that here he was a rock ‘n roll musician and he was still a virgin.

As soon as the gun store owner heard that, he immediately denied Charlie Wilson permission to buy a gun when the electrical guitarist came up to the till because being a virgin, the man was obviously mentally ill.

The gun store owner didn’t want to be held responsible for another Elliot Rodger style incident like the recent Isla Vista killings at Santa Barbara.

Not that the gun store owner was concerned about loss of life (if he was concerned about loss of life, he wouldn’t be in this business). He was more worried about potential lawsuits from potential victims’ families for selling a gun to a mentally ill person… like a virgin (to quote a Madonna song title).

So Charlie Wilson left the store a dejected man.

He wasn’t able to get laid.

And he wasn’t able to get a gun.

Later Charlie Wilson’s younger brother Dave Wilson (whose band stage name was Abbott Costello) the band’s drummer arrived in the same gun store later to buy himself a gun.

If Sekhmet was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun in her belt during the performance on The Arsenio Hall Show, then he was going to wear an authentic American hand gun tied to a pony tail on his long heavy metal headbanger style hair.

As Dave Wilson stood in line inside the gun store, he boasted to everyone in line about his numerous sexual conquests as a drummer in a rock and roll band.

The gun store owner took note of Dave.

Nothing mentally ill about that guy he thought to himself.

In fact the man seemed to represent the personification of the apotheosis of the American (wet) Dream.

When Dave reached the till, the gun store owner sold him enough guns and ammunition to have lasted an entire division of the U.S. Army a whole year at the height of the Afghan War.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield sat at the back of the theatre during this night’s filming of The Arsenio Hall Show.

As soon as the show’s host Arsenio Hall introduced Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers and the band started playing, then Renfield R. Renfield the world’s first and only genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human would shapeshift into a hamster and run up on stage and crawl up Sekhmet’s lovely black silk nylon clad leg and then remove the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun from her belt and then run off stage heading straight for the exit door.

Arsenio Hall spoke, “And now ladies and gentlemen… here they are… the band who’s currently playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles… Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers…”

The audience started applauding as the band burst into a rendition of their hit song I’ll Give You The Moon If You Give Me The Finger In This Traffic Jam.

Nero Wilson was wearing a Roman toga around his body, leather sandals on his feet and a laurel wreath in his hair as he played the electric violin.

Charlie Wilson was wearing a t- shirt with Mr. Bean’s picture on it and some purple and gold plaid pants and some yellow sneakers as he played the electric guitar.

Sekhmet was wearing a fringe skirted lion’s skin mini dress, black silk pantyhose and gold spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes as she sang, “You better watch out ’cause I’m lifting my skirt. I’ll give you the moon if you give me the finger in this traffic jam…”

Around her waist she wore a belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

And of course inside her belt was tucked the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Dave Wilson the drummer was wearing a black shirt, black pants and black shoes as he played the drums.

His long hair was tied in a pony tail.

Attached to the pony tail was a 44 Magnum.

Suddenly women in the audience started jumping up and down and screaming “Mouse! Mouse! There’s a mouse in the house!”.

A nerdy looking bookish type guy with glasses ( who had also been denied a gun permit that afternoon) said, “Actually, I think it’s a hamster.”

The hamster started crawling up one of Sekhmet’s sexy and shapely black silk nylon clad legs.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Sekhmet moaned.

Nero Wilson stopped playing the electric violin and turned to her saying, “I don’t recall those lyrics being in the song.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Sekhmet shrieked ecstatically as she leaned backwards on to the floor and lifted her already short short skirt.

“Good Lord, she’s outgaga-ing Lady Gaga,” Arsenio Hall spewed Gatorade out of his mouth and all over one of the cameras as he spoke.

The hamster grabbed the ET gray’s laser death ray gun out of her Egyptian hieroglyph belt and then ran straight through her legs.

The gun went off.

But fortunately it was just on the Shock mode and not the Kill mode.

“The mother ship of all orgasms,” Sekhmet shouted in delight about the out-of-this-world experience she just had.

The hamster flashed the happiest hamster face of all time at the camera and then ran out of the theatre.

At that point, Charlie Wilson’s smart phone went off.

It was a text message coming in from the bully of his old high school graduating class back home in Cleveland, “What a loser you are, Charlie. There you are out on the West Coast in California and even a hamster is able to score before you do.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 30th
2014.

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Renfield’s Dream of The Mexican Pinata

June 30, 2011 at 9:11 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

After several days of creating murder and mayhem throughout the City of London following his awakening from a 2 month coma, Renfield R. Renfield was feeling tired so he fell asleep on the couch in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s living room.

In the Set Laboratories lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who had spent the day listening to some of Anthony Robbins’ New Age motivational discs on how to get in touch with one’s higher power, the lobster intuitively deduced that Renfield had just fallen asleep.

Michelangelo decided to have some fun and enter Renfield’s dreams again just like he had when the shapeshifter hamster/human was in a coma.

In the dream, Michelangelo created the figure of a very short and very small Mexican pinata.

The pinata itself was shaped like a multicoloured camel without a hump (a similar camel without a hump but minus the multicolours had earlier been genetically engineered by Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher a few weeks ago who was oblivious to the fact that such a camel already existed in southern Tanzania).

The short pinata was lamenting on the state of his sad and short life by singing a song which was sung to the tune of Lady Gaga’s song Judas,

I’m just a short pinata you can hit with a banana
For me, fiesta is siesta permanent-ly! permanent-ly!
I’m just a short pinata you can hit with a banana
For me, fiesta is siesta permanent-ly! permanent-ly!

When they come to me, I am ready
They’ll bash me with a big stick if they need
candies and treats which they feel they’ve got to eat
Even if they break my head or feet.

They’ll bring me down, bring me down down
A pinata with a frown, frown.

I’m just a short pinata you can hit with a banana
For me, fiesta is siesta permanent-ly! permanent-ly!
I’m just a short pinata you can hit with a banana
For me, fiesta is siesta permanent-ly! permanent-ly!

By this time, Renfield R. Renfield was getting sick of the short pinata’s song and especially his singing so swiping a banana from a nearby organ grinder’s pet monkey, he went over to the pinata and hit it with the banana bringing it down…
down.

As the dead pinata went to its eternal sleep (for it, fiesta was siesta permanently) and spilled its guts all over the place, Amadeus Emanon rushed in to pick up all the candies that had fallen from the dead pinata’s insides.

The movie character Forrest Gump (played by Tom Hanks) walked in at the end of the dream and said, “Death is like a pinata of candies. You never know what you’re going to get.”

To be continued.

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The Nun Who Danced To Judas

June 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm (Horror, Mystery/horror, Short Story, The Supernatural) (, )

Sister Agnes stood in the hallway of the orphanage and looked at the statue of Jesus with His Sacred Heart.

The nun was standing in spiked stiletto high-heels which was unusual for a nun of her order.

She reached down and ripped the bottom part of her robe from her ankle up to her pelvis.

She ripped it on both sides this way.

The rips exposed black silk nylons that she was wearing underneath her robe.

She then started to dance in front of the statue of the Sacred Heart Jesus.

She danced and she sang.

She sang,

I’m just a Holy Fool
Oh, baby, it’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool
Oh, baby, it’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby.

She spun around on her stilettos and her nun’s robe whirled like a belly dancer’s dress as she sensuously moved her arms back and forth.

She approached the statue of the Sacred Heart Jesus and kissed it on the lips with her ruby rouge red lipstick lips.

She sang,

I wanna love you,
But something’s pulling me away from you…

She then turned her back on the statue and embraced nothing but air in her arms as she sang,

Jesus is my virtue…

She then opened her eyes which she had closed and her eyes seemed to be looking at something that she was embracing but would have appeared invisible to any other observer that might have been standing in the hallway.

She sang as she embraced the nothingness she caressed in her arms,

And Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to

She then opened the door and entered the room where all the young children were sleeping in the orphanage.

She lifted her robes and pulled a huge butcher knife from a black lingerie garter belt tied around her right knee.

She then went from bed to bed quickly slitting the throats of all the children- baby, toddler, boy, girl, 6-year-old, 7-year-old.

Each time she slit a throat, she’d click her heels together and sing,

I’m just a Holy Fool,
Oh, baby, it’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool,
Oh, baby, it’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby.

She then left the nursery after she had slain all the children, threw the statue of the Sacred Heart Jesus in the hallway to the floor and broke it as she sang,

Jesus is my virtue…

She then went running outside the orphanage into the garden where a tall dark haired handsome stranger waited by the fountain whose top was a cherubic angel with an arrow.

The very beautiful 30-year-old nun went running into the arms of the tall dark haired handsome stranger and kissed him passionately on the lips.

She then caressed his neck and embraced him tightly singing,

And Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to

As she did so, she kissed him on the cheek oblivious to the fact that the tall dark haired handsome stranger was now turning into a red reptilian thing with bat like wings and clawed talons and spiked tail.

The thing burst into flames turning Sister Agnes into flames with it.

A two-year-old who had escaped the slaughter in the nursery by hiding under the bed poked his head out from under the bed and said in baby talk,

Ga-Ga, Ga-Ga.

The End.

-A short story written by Christopher Van Helsing
Sunday evening June 19th 2011.

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Renfield’s Dream of Lady Gaga’s Judas Video Re-Interpreted

June 3, 2011 at 11:05 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo the psychic lobster who had been genetically engineered by Set Laboratories to enter people’s dreams was spending yet another boring Friday night in the lab.

How the lobster wished he could spend a Friday night out on the town.

Of course if Michelangelo realized just how popular a dish roast lobster was in London, he might not have been so anxious to go out on the town.

So to cure his boredom, Michelangelo decided that he would once again enter the dreams of the comatose Renfield R. Renfield who had knocked himself out the day before Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding when he finally realized that he was not going to get an invitation to the event.

Michelangelo started sending visual images from Lady Gaga’s latest music video Judas into Renfield’s mind.

Instead of Lady Gaga however, it was a woman who looked like body builder and fitness instructor Denise Paglia who was singing the song Judas.

As Denise Paglia sang, “I’m in love with Judas-as, Judas-as”, she started kissing the leather motorcycle jacketed Judas in the video.

And the leather motorcycle jacketed Judas just happened to bear a striking resemblance to atheistic philosopher and economic Nietzschean Ayn Rand (1905-82) author of The Fountainhead (1943) and Atlas Shrugged (1957).

In the background in the video in Renfield’s dream could be heard a statement that His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI made last month in which he said that it was sinful for any Catholic to pose as being someone else on the Net and to claim to be somebody that they are not.

Denise Paglia sang the Lady Gaga lyrics to Jesus in the video,

I wanna love you,
but something’s pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue…

Denise Paglia then turned her back on Jesus and embraced and kissed Judas who was indeed the spitting image of atheistic philosopher and economic Nietzschean Ayn Rand.

Paglia sang,

And Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to.

As Renfield watched the video in the dream in his mind, he said,
“Gee, I really feel like eating roast lobster about now…”

It was then that Michelangelo left his dream.

So the Paglia/Gaga figure in the video in the dream never did learn the result of what would be the images of Michelangelo’s Last Judgment upon her….

To be continued.

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