The Vampire From Killarney: A Humourous Halloween Poem

October 20, 2018 at 11:33 pm (Comedy, Culture, Folklore, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, Humour, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

‘Tis time for a tale of Gothic blarney
about a vampire from Killarney
his name was Freddy O’ Barney
and he worked as a night time circus carney

He went from Ireland to England’s London town
hoping to turn the city upside down
Count Fred heard the streets there were paved with gold
That Donald Trump had shit bricks there by the truckload
But it was all old wives’ tales
like women seduced by the Prince of Wales

Count Fred (for he was no Dracula) walked into a bar
his vampire bat wings home floating in a jar
he saw a beautiful young woman wearing a red dress
her nubile young body he hoped to caress
and her debonair mind he hoped to impress

Count Fred walked up to her and said, “Top of the morning to you”
and she replied, “But it’s late evening just like the colour of my pantyhose is midnight blue”
The blarney count said, “But it’s morning to me” and at her nylons’ description, he came to,
to get under her dress, he must see this through

He tipped his hat and took a bow
for the midnight hour was definitely now
“My name by birth is Freddy O’ Barney
and I’m the long lost Count of Killarney”
said she, “My woman’s intuition tells me you’re full of blarney”
” Tis true,” said some drunk at the bar, “he’s a circus carney”

Fred grabbed his shillelagh and gave him a whack
and the drunk hit the floor like a fallen potato sack

Fred sat down next to the girl,
gave his pocket handkerchief a twirl
and in a lilting nocturnal like voice said,
with the rhythm of one seductively Undead,
“Can I buy you a drink, my lady so fair?”
Hoping to get into her underwear.

She flicked back her hair and said, “Sure why not?”
For she thought another drink would sure hit the spot.

Said he in Irish brogue
like a highwayman rogue,
“What can I get you, my dear?
Cocktail, gin, whiskey, or beer?”.

Smiling she licked her lips, “I’ll have a Vermouth”
for she had a sweet tooth
She bared her fangs
and played with her curly bangs

“Shit,” Count Fred thought to himself
like the lone forgotten book on the shelf,
he had selected a vampiress for his prey
on this night, he’d get no blood though he might get a lay

Fred O’ Barney ordered for himself from the bartender a soft drink popular North American root beer brand
The Fountainhead for his midnight snack hopes dashed and so he shrugged like an atlas of writer Ayn Rand

The bartender brought the vermouth and the root beer
as moonlight shone through the window so crystal clear
and so it happened on this dark sky but moonlit night
of dashed expectations and no feminine fright
that he put the root beer to his mouth
while down her low-cut dress he looked further south.
From his vampiric mouth he sprayed
dashing even his hopes of getting laid
for thus it did turn out on this star-crossed night
that his Barq was far worse than his bite.

Note: Barq is the name of a popular North American soft drink root beer brand.

-A humourous Gothic Halloween
vampire poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 20th
2018.

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Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower

November 28, 2017 at 8:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Radio, Romance, Science, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower

The stranger stood at the window of the Paris apartment he had rented for his birthday.

He lit a cigarette and gazed at the Eiffel Tower in the distance.

He then turned and looked at the beautiful woman who sat on his bed.

She looked exactly like the woman in one of his favourite contemporary music videos.

She was even wearing the same red halter top and sexy red skirt that the woman was wearing in the video.

He had run into her in a Paris martini 🍸 bar earlier this evening and was glad that “of all the martini bars in Paris he could have walked into, he walked into that one” to paraphrase a comment made by Humphrey Bogart in the movie Casablanca.

“Are you coming to bed?” She purred at him.

“I am,” the stranger put a Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill, “and with you with me, I’ll probably be coming in bed as well.”

He adjusted the wireless frequency on his Apple Watch ⌚️ and then walked over to the bed and started passionately kissing the woman in the red skirt.

She fell backwards on to the bed and raised her skirt.

The stranger noticed that she wasn’t wearing any panties.

He smiled.

He was glad to be with a woman who followed that Girl Guide motto Be Prepared.

As he mounted her, a wireless transmission hit the receiver at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

The wireless transmission had actually been sent 114 years earlier back on July 14th 1903 by Nicola Tesla at his Wardenclyffe Tower in Shoreham, Long Island, New York.

The Eiffel Tower then relayed the transmission to the Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill of the birthday celebrating stranger’s rented apartment.

The Tesla coil and radio receiver then sent the transmission to the stranger’s Apple Watch as a receiver.

The transmission then sent a major electrical discharge through the man’s body and the body of the woman in the red skirt causing both to have a major earth shaking climax and orgasm simultaneously.

“Holy Christ,” the woman shouted.

“Well, I’ve always thought of myself as the world’s greatest sinner but thanks for the compliment,” the man fell backwards on to his pillow and lit a cigarette.

As a result of this birthday night orgy of Teslian physics and tantric sex, the world was about to change forever.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 28th
2017.

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