Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple

March 26, 2020 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, magic, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple

Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having a conversation with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Both men were 6 meters away from one another so they wouldn’t be shot by killer drones recently commandeered by WHO (the World Health Organization) for those who violated the world body’s social distancing rules.

Athelstan was also wearing a face mask.

Although whether this was because he feared getting the Coronavirus or because he had just cleaned out the kitty litter box belonging to Nefertiti Galore (the vampire Set’s fiercely protective house cat) is a matter for speculation.

“So, Mr. Renfield,” Athelstan coughed through his face mask, “I hear that Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam issued an Executive Order this past Monday making it a criminal offense to hold a Church service with more than 10 people present. If found guilty, people could be imprisoned for 12 months and/or fined $2,500.”

“I imagine,” Renfield lit his pipe, “that the Baal and Baphomet worshipping Marxist despot Ralph Northam was positively ejaculating in ecstasy and orgasm at being able to sign such an Executive Order. I don’t imagine he’ll ever bother rescinding it even when the pandemic is over.”

“Probably not, sir,” Athelstan dusted off a portrait painting of the late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dressed in a medieval Iron Maiden torture chamber item suit, “Did you hear that Pope Francis’ personally designated papal successor Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle is saying let’s overcome the Coronavirus with a pandemic of love?”.

“Well,” Renfield sipped his pipe, “Isn’t that jackass just the epitome of romance?”.

. . .

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was flying a magic shamrock flying carpet from his rented farmhouse in Vermont to New York City.

Yaldabaoth had recently left Ireland after that country had closed all its pubs (As Yaldabaoth remarked at the time, “You know a world situation is serious when it forces Ireland to close all its pubs.”)

He had gone to Vermont hoping that the pubs would be open.

Many of them were closed but lucky for Yaldabaoth, there were plenty of Vermont country gentlemen who made their own moonshine.

Yaldabaoth rented his Vermont farmstead from another Irish leprechaun The Fantastic Flanigan.

The Fantastic Flanigan had the honour of being the world’s shortest UFC fighter.

He also had the honour of being the world’s only always defeated UFC fighter.

Generally all the other UFC fighters used the Fantastic Flanigan as practice for the day the old medieval sport of dwarf tossing was once again brought back into the world.

It so happened that the Fantastic Flanigan owned a flying carpet (made from magic shamrocks) so he had left it behind in the barn for Yaldabaoth to use.

Flanigan was currently spending his social isolation time at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

As Yaldabaoth approached New York City, he was shocked to see the Big Apple surrounded by an army of Dullahans (A Dullahan was a black horse riding headless horseman of death).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 26th
2020

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Jack O’ Hare’s Magic Carpet Ride: A Poem

January 5, 2016 at 8:45 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare’s Magic Carpet Ride

Now one might think folks are full of blarney
claiming to see leprechauns near Lake Killarney
but wild hare jack rabbit Jack O’ Hare
as he travelled across the Emerald Isle green and fair
claimed to have seen just that
so he told a Guinness drinking cat.

So Jack and the cat headed out
stumbling across the land round about
till they ran into Seamus the leprechaun
enjoying a dinner of steak and prawn

So Seamus, what’s up?
Jack asked sipping his cup.
Replied the wee leprechaun Seamus
who gazed with telescope at planet Uranus,
“I’ve got some magic mushrooms from Bavaria,
brought to me by a fräulein barmaid with a lovely pair of…”

“Coconuts!” shouted the cat looking at Seamus’ South Seas food ware
-tropical delights arranged with such care.

“That she had!”
said Seamus very glad.

Explained the leprechaun further, “She got them from Gunter Glockenspiel the Magic Garden elf
who often reads from Sherrie’s books on the shelf
while he warred with the Seven Evil Dwarves in the garden next door
while noble cat Tiger and noble dog Ambos slept in the house on the floor
he help himself to the evil dwarves’ plunder of magic mushrooms galore.

He sent some to me courtesy of Fräulein Helga
whose pair of knockers is really quite swell-a.”
So the three ate the mushrooms and had to agree
undergoing experiences of cosmic ecstasy
they learned to think psychedelically
and taught the clouds to sing in harmony.

It was really quite the magic carpet ride
stars and mermaids and surging tide
they had much to seek
and nothing to hide
For when they awoke, they found their clothes had gone astray
until they remembered, for 2 of them, it was always this way
while Seamus nude of derrière and red of face
ran and hid some place
They discovered he had hid in a stack of hay
and didn’t come out for many a night and many a day.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 5th
2016.

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Jack O’ Hare and The Leprechaun: A Poem

March 12, 2015 at 6:01 pm (Children's Story, Entertainment, Folklore, Music, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare and The Leprechaun: A Poem

In the land of Ireland roamed the bunny rabbit Jack O’ Hare
he hopped here and there across this land so green and fair
And as he made conversation with an Irish fawn
he turned around and saw… a leprechaun
The leprechaun wept, “Someone has stolen me pot o’ gold.”
Said Jack, “Who would do such a dastardly deed so bold?”
“I don’t know,” the leprechaun shrugged
his arms around a tree he hugged.
Said Jack, “I’ll help you find the thief,
this villainous villain who’s caused such grief.”
So to the rainbow’s end they went
and stood outside the little man’s tent.
Explained Seamus the leprechaun, “It was here that I slept
after downing a can of Guinness I kept.”

“What does your magic mirror say?”
Jack looked at the glass next to the sun ray.
“Me magic mirror,” the leprechaun shouted
as a four-leaf clover sprouted,
“I forgot all about it,
why I’ve lost my wit.”

They looked into the mirror and the picture unfolded,
the thief stood there with his mug shot uploaded,
“Why I’ve seen that man,” said Jack O’ Hare,
“he lives in London near the town square.”

So to London they flew
on Aer Lingus
sampling Guinness stew.
They got off the plane quite pickled
lucky for them, Customs were fickle.

They took the tube to London
and recited Kipling’s Gunga Din.
Got off the tube
holding martini with ice cube
and hailed a taxi.
Then talked to a patsy
who revealed the thief’s whereabouts
and after paying him off with Brussels sprouts
headed off to a Taylor Swift concert
and after entering without shoes or shirt
saw the thief sitting in the front row
wearing designer threads from head to toe.

As Seamus wrestled the man to the ground,
Jack jumped on the stage without making a sound,
spoke Taylor Swift to the crowd
leaving them fairly wowed,
“If you’re lucky enough to be different from everyone else, don’t ever change.”
So Jack O’ Hare hopped to the mike and sang Home On The Range.
As self-styled critics booed
and responded with gestures rude,
Taylor sang, “The haters gonna hate, hate, hate…”
Meanwhile the thief in Seamus’ hands was left to his fate, fate, fate…

Taylor sang, “Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake…”
which is what Seamus did to the thief whose body started to quake, quake, quake…
As gold coins fell by the thousands out of the thief’s pockets,
Taylor Swift threw back her own golden lockets,
“The fakers gonna fake, fake, fake…”
Meanwhile into Scotland Yard’s hands went the thievish rake, rake, rake…

Meanwhile Jack’s duet with Taylor was soon all the rage
Fans didn’t want them to leave the stage
The lucky hare got a kiss that was Taylor-made
And Seamus thought when it came to friendship, Jack’s made the grade.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Thursday March 12th
2015.

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