Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland

August 16, 2019 at 10:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland 

“So Amadeus, did you see pictures of that photo of Bill Clinton that Jeffrey Epstein kept on the walls of his Manhattan mansion that the couple who visited there once took pictures of? It appeared in some of the London papers here,” Renfield R. Renfield asked his friend.

“No,” Amadeus shook his head as he ate his 11th full English breakfast even though it was now dinner time, “what photo was that?”.

“It was a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps,” Renfield answered as he cross dressed his salad dressing.

“Jeffrey Epstein kept a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps on his mansion walls?” Amadeus put his fork down.

“Apparently,” Renfield nodded.

“Does that mean Bill Clinton was a cross dresser?” Amadeus asked.

“That is definitely a possibility,” Renfield acknowleged, “It appears Hillary really wore the pants in that family in more ways than one.”

“And it was a blue dress you say?” Amadeus was suddenly grasping the irony of Bill’s choice of both attire and colour.

“Yes,” Renfield bit into a bacon and tomato sandwich, “which leads one to wonder who was the one actually wearing the blue dress when Bill got his stains all over over it? Monica or old Billy boy? Perhaps Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr should have checked whether the stains were on the inside or the outside of the dress.”

“This gives a whole new dimension to the Monica Lewinsky affair,” Amadeus ate his lox and cream cheese bagel.

Meanwhile in America, Donald Trump was complaining to Lexington his British butler and valet, “Can you believe all these politicians from Denmark and Greenland? They’re actually rejecting my offer to buy Greenland.”

“Leif Erikson and Erik the Red must be rolling over in their graves, sir,” Lexington answered.

“As well they should be,” said Trump who was considering uploading his consciousness into the east end of a cyborg horse facing west so that he could live forever.

“So what do you intend to do about it?” Lexington inquired.

“Maybe I should forcibly annex Greenland,” Trump replied.

“You mean like Hitler forcibly annexed Austria, the Sudetenland, the rest of Czechoslovakia and eventually Poland?” Lexington was astounded.

“Why not?” Trump pounded the desk, “What was good enough for Hitler is twice as good for me.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2019.

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Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

July 15, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

Donald Trump had had an eventful past couple of days.

Yesterday, he had criticized 4 young Democratic Congresswomen (Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rep. Rashida Tlaib, Rep. Ayanna Pressley and Rep. Ilhan Omar) and said they should go back to the “countries they originally came from”.

Three of the women had been born in the U.S. and Rep. Omar had come to the U.S. from Somalia when she was 12.

Trump had spent the day today defending his tweets and had called Nancy Pelosi a racist for calling him a racist.

He also said that Rep. Omar had once praised al-Qaeda.

Trump, with his usual penchant for “terminological inexactitude” (to quote the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill), was referencing a 2013 interview Miss Omar had once given in which she said that one of her professors had once praised al-Qaeda in class and had told the reporter in the interview what the professor had said.

Trump had also sent DARPA operative Enema Enigma to dig up dirt on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez whom some people touted as a possible Democratic Presidential candidate in 2024 -the year for which he was grooming his daughter Ivanka to become the first woman President of the United States.

This was the photo that Enema Enigma had returned with:

After seeing the photo of what looked like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in rather provocative attire, Trump immediately crossed his legs.

He then hurried to the washroom with the photo and gazed at it for the next 7 hours.

After over 7 hours were up, Trump sent a text message to his British butler and valet Lexington in which he asked Lexington to immediately bring “wipes to the Oval Office washroom as no wipes seem to be available”.

As Lexington immediately and swiftly hurried down the West Wing corridors, he happened to pass by an office where the radio in the office was playing that old country music song, “It’s been a long time coming…”

Undoubtedly the song was definitely NOT referring to Lexington’s rather rapid delivery of the wipes.

. . .

Later Trump played an evening round of golf with the Havana-based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike.

In answer to a reporter’s question about Pike, Trump responded, “Terrific guy. I’ve known him for 15 years. He likes white people as much as I do. In fact, he likes them a little on the whiter than white side”.

At that moment, a golf club wielded high in mid-air hit Trump over the head.

“Hey, somebody super tall just hit me over the head with a golf club,” Trump complained to his Secret Service agents.

“We saw the club approach high in mid-air,” his secret service responded, “but there’s no one there. We can’t see anyone.”

. . .

In London, Amadeus Emanon asked the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s valet and butler Athelstan, “Say, what is the Boss’ personal secret agent Harvey Tallbanger up to at the moment?”.

“I believe today he is in Washington DC, sir,” Athelstan replied.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday July 15th
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

July 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (a most devout adherent of the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche) had gone into a nearby mall to buy a submarine sandwich from Subway.

Unfortunately for him, a typical stupid looking Calgary ugly white woman was standing at the counter buying a sub.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman while also losing his appetite after seeing her.

As he walked back to his place, he thought what a wimp the Dalai Lama was for apologizing about saying he didn’t want an ugly woman as his successor.

What is Tibetan Buddhism coming to these days? Goatee wondered as he stepped on an ant on the sidewalk and then killed a fly that landed on his arm.

The satyr serial killer recalled images that Representatives Julian Castro and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had shot of the conditions of migrant detention camps on the U.S.-Mexico border.

Goatee noticed that most of the Latina women were quite pretty.

And, Goatee reflected as he fired off a text message to his local Member of Parliament, the same could definitely not be said for the vast majority of female descendants of white European settlers who settled in Calgary over a hundred years ago.

The city was definitely a compelling argument against the practice of first cousins marrying first cousins.

Goatee told his MP that if Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was indeed the great humanitarian leader he was always proclaiming himself to be in every single media interview that he’s ever given, he really should let the migrants held in detention camps on the U.S. -Mexico border enter Canada.

This would not only make Trudeau better looking than Trump (although he already was that according to the ghosts of Oscar Wilde and Liberace) but it would also improve the aesthetic beauty of Canada and particularly Calgary if many of the migrants settled here.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was boasting to his English butler and valet Lexington about the huge military parade he was planning in the U.S. capital for this coming 4th of July.

“I got the idea while holding hands with Emmanuel Macron in the streets of Paris at their Bastille Day parade 2 years ago,” Trump enthused, “so for this year’s 4th of July, there’s going to be Air Force planes flying all over DC and army tanks rolling down the streets of Washington helping to damage the city’s transportation infrastructure.”

“Why don’t you send an ICBM into the chambers of the House of Representatives killing all those nasty Democrats while you’re at it?” Lexington sarcastically thought aloud.

“Lexington,” Trump kissed Lexington on the cheeks with a fervour that would have made the Jesuit priest Father James Martin proud, “what a splendid idea.”

“I was just joking,” the valet took out a handkerchief and wiped the $750.00 Ivanka brand of lipstick off his cheek.

“Oh,” Trump looked disappointed.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd
2019.

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Kraken Uhluhtc Causes Venezuela Electrical Blackout

March 11, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in her Mexico City penthouse apartment having a long distance phone conversation discussing the crisis in Venezuela with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Do you have any idea what’s causing this massive electricity and power blackout that’s been going on in Venezuela since last Thursday?” Renfield asked.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the U.S. government had both been blaming the other for causing the blackout.

“My sources tell me it’s Uhluhtc that’s causing the problem,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“And who’s Uhluhtc?” Renfield helped himself to a dish of calamari in front of him.

“Uhluhtc is a kraken that recently rose from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea a couple of years ago,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“I see,” Renfield added some Jamaican Hot Sauce to his calamari, “and what caused him to rise?”.

“North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reading aloud a passage from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by radio and loudspeaker to a North Korean ship named The Red Scorpion that was sailing in the Caribbean at the time,” the Aztec vampire princess replied.

“Really?” Renfield helped himself to some Korean dumplings and fried scorpion, “Interesting how this information is sort of forming a Jungian synchronicity with what I’m having on my lunchtime menu.”

“One of my drones spotted Uhluhtc attacking electrical transformers throughout Venezuela,” Qonzilqointec added.

“Any idea why he’s doing this?” Renfield found a toy figure of Godzilla as the prize in his box of children’s cereal.

“None whatsoever,” Qonzilqointec smoothed her dress and watched another one of her carrier pigeon shaped drones returning.

. . .

Donald Trump was receiving a briefing from the National Security Agency as his English butler and valet Lexington poured tea.

“Um, is it appropriate for him to be here?” The NSA operative pointed towards Lexington.

“That’s all right,” Trump shrugged, “he’s got high level security clearance.”

“Your English butler and valet has high-level security clearance?” The NSA operative was astounded.

“Hey,” Trump helped himself to a hot buttered crumpet, “if I can get high-level security clearance for my daughter and my son-in-law, I can get high-level security clearance for my English butler and valet.”

“Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow. Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow,” Trump’s pet Norwegian blue parrot squawked from inside his cage.

Trump was currently working on getting high-level security clearance for his parrot.

“Anyways we wiretapped a conversation New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently had in a Washington DC restaurant with Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change,” the NSA operative explained.

“Bully for you, we need surveillance to find out what these Communist saboteurs are up to,” Trump accidentally pushed the Record button on his Huawei smart phone.

“They were discussing the Green New Deal,” the NSA operative said.

“I noticed,” Trump remarked as he drank his cup of Earl Grey Tea, “that even British MP Renfield R. Renfield who supports AOC’S plans for a single user pay national public health care system says that AOC “is out to lunch like most leftists are” when it comes to the subject of climate change.”

“Anyhow the Department of Homeland Security recently uncovered frightening information with regards to Lev Tomi,” the NSA operative read from his briefs as he dressed down to his briefs since it was rather hot in the Oval Office.

“And what was that?” Trump seeing the NSA operative dressed down to his briefs brought back memories of last year’s private one-on-one encounter with Vladimir Putin in which no aides nor translators were present.

“That Lev Tomi is in fact a vampire,” the NSA operative’s glasses steamed up, “and in his mortal life had been the Russian Communist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky. Trotsky did not die on the night of August 20th/21st 1940 succumbing to his ice axe wounds delivered by a Stalinist NKVD assassin as the history books teach us. Instead he was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Aztec?” Trump felt a sudden craving for enchiladas, “They’re Mexican aren’t they?”.

“That is correct,” the NSA operative answered.

“Then I’m right to build that damned wall,” Trump pounded his fist on his desk.

“Begging your pardon, sir,” Lexington removed the Gloucester cheese from the table, “but if this Qonzilqointec is a vampiress, then she can just turn into a vampire bat and fly over the wall.”

“What a bummer,” Trump grimaced.

“That’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards,” squawked the parrot, “that’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards.”

. . .

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing thought back to the 1941 film Sundown with Gene Tierney and George Sanders that he had been watching for the first time on YouTube early Sunday morning when his BBC app sounded a five second long musical note indicating a breaking news bulletin.

That was when he first heard about the tragic Ethiopian Airlines plane crash from Addis Ababa Ethiopia to Nairobi Kenya that had killed all 157 people on board.

Today after watching the news he found out that 18 Canadians had been aboard the plane including a Carleton University professor from Ottawa, a family of six from Brampton Ontario, an environmentalist from Winnipeg Manitoba and a young mother from Edmonton Alberta along with her 5-year-old daughter.

There was also an assistant pastor from the City of Calgary (who also worked as an accountant at Calgary City Hall) killed- a man that Dracul Van Helsing had personally met on one occasion.

In another connection to the City of Calgary, the pilot of the plane had an aunt who lived in Calgary.

In this interconnected world of the 21st Century, tragedy now connected all corners of the globe.


Gene Tierney in the movie Sundown 1941.
A movie that was set in the border region between Kenya and Ethiopia.
A movie that had as its premise the importance of Africa to world geopolitics and how Africa served as the pivotal point of the interconnectivity of the world.
It was while watching this film, a breaking BBC News bulletin on a tablet app showed that the premise still held true in the year 2019.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 11th
2019.

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Saint Valentine’s Day 2019

February 14, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had come up with yet another plan to bump off Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

He had co-ordinated the plan with the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill along with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Before explaining the plan to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield pointed out the dangers of getting Maduro out of office with the help of a U.S. invasion of Venezuela or an American planned overthrow.

“As we know both being acute students of history,” Renfield explained, “America’s unique talent and gift to the world is its ability to make a country worse off than it was when it lived under a brutal dictator. This actually is a unique bit of creativity unsurpassed in the history of human stupidity. That disaster we call George W. Bush (aided and abetted by that disaster Tony Blair – an Englishman who fancied himself a French poodle to a former Texas governor) invaded Iraq to topple Saddam and succeeded in that but then plunged the country into years of sectarian violence and bloodshed that continues today. Those disasters we call Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton thought they could get Syria’s Bashar al-Assad out of power by encouraging the Syrian people and part of the Syrian Armed Forces to rise up in revolt against Assad. The result has been 8 years of bloody civil war which is still ongoing, Assad is still in power and if Vladimir Putin and the Iranians hadn’t intervened, large portions of Syria would still be under the control of the ISIS Islamic State. And then of course that disaster we call Bill Clinton ordering the NATO bombing of Serbia from March 24th 1999 to June 10th 1999 helped pave the way for Vladimir Putin to come to power in Russia. Then Russian President Boris Yeltsin was so upset by the way Bill “He couldn’t keep it in his pants” Clinton treated Russia’s long standing ally Serbia that Yeltsin spent the entire spring and summer of 1999 hiring and firing new Prime Ministers until Yeltsin finally decided on Putin as his Prime Minister in August 1999 and then named Putin his successor as President on December 31st 1999. So Bill in effect screwed his wife Hillary twice. Once when they had Chelsea and secondly when he bombed Serbia thus paving the way for Putin to take power in Russia which if we are to believe the whining and sniveling of the New York Times, The Washington Post and the Deep State within the U.S. government is the man ultimately responsible for Hillary’s defeat in 2016.”

“Karma’s returning to bite one in the ass always happens eventually,” Van Helsing acknowledged.

“So you see how it’s absolutely vital that a British Transhumanist MP such as myself working in concert with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles do something to get Maduro out of power before the Americans try anything stupid,” Renfield pointed out.

“Time is indeed of the essence,” Dracul looked at his Latin numerals sundial wristwatch until he remembered it didn’t work indoors.

“So I want you to go over to the gymnasium at the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium Building and start to set things in motion with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and by set things in motion,” Renfield admonished, “I don’t mean tantric sex with her.”

“Damn,” Dracul swore.

. . .

“So Lexington,” Donald Trump addressed his British butler and valet, “I gave Nancy Pelosi a Valentine’s Day present this year.

“That’s very kind of you, sir,” Lexington took off the Donald’s jacket.

“As you know today is the 90th Anniversary of Al Capone giving a Valentine’s Day present to Bugs Moran in a garage and warehouse in Chicago so I thought I’d do the same for Nancy,” Trump smiled.

Earlier that evening a group of Democratic Party supporters had gathered to sacrifice a new born baby to Baal/Moloch at a garage and warehouse in Washington DC.

Despite the best efforts of the hospital to ensure the baby wouldn’t survive birth, the baby managed to survive.

It was a health care debacle that would have provided existential angst to the likes of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam.

Double angst for Gov. Northam as the baby was an Afro-American.

Although probably double angst for Gov. Cuomo as well but since northern white liberals do a much better job at hiding their racism than their southern white liberal counterparts, you wouldn’t have noticed the look of disappointment on the face of Mario’s son.

The baby was smuggled into the ceremony by a large “reproductive health” (as they euphemistically call themselves) provider to be sacrificed to Baal/Moloch for this evening’s ritual.

Outside the warehouse a group of Mammon and Mephistopheles worshipping Republicans (all members of the National Rife Association and vitriolic opponents of a nationally publicly funded single pay user health care system) stood ready to burst in on the pro-infanticide Baal and Baphomet worshipping Party of Death Democrats.

The signal was given.

And the NRA members went in with guns ablazing.

Soon all the Party of Death Democrats were dead.

Santa Muerte who had been at the ceremony eating enchiladas looked sad.

Miraculously the baby girl (who was to be sacrificed) managed to survive.

She was found by a traditionalist Catholic nun who had been walking in the neighbourhood.

Earlier in the day, the nun had been personally excommunicated by Pope Francis.

Now like George Eliot’s Silas Marner, she had found true gold.

. . .

On his way to the warehouse gymnasium at Set Enterprises, Dracul Van Helsing passed Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was crawling on his way towards Sherrielock Holmes’ office and carrying a large bouquet of roses in his lobster claws.

Dracul entered the gym and there saw Qonzilqointec:

And within minutes the gym was heating up with steam from the Valentine’s Day tantric sex between vampire hunter and vampire princess.

. . .

Amadeus Emanon was attending a Saint Valentine’s Night Evening Prayer service at Saint Genevieve’s Church- the Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish that he attended.

Delivering a short homily at the service was the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds who was one of the Church of England’s leading exorcists.

“Saint Valentine,” Father Aidan noted, “was a Catholic priest who lived and worked in Rome in an age of severe persecutions. The Emperor Claudius II had ordered that Roman soldiers should not be allowed to marry so they could concentrate on war without a double mind. For that reason, the soldiers began living promiscuous lives. Saint Valentine ordered soldiers in his congregation to marry and he began wedding them secretly. For that reason, he was caught, imprisoned and executed on the 14th of February 270 AD.”

“Wow,” Amadeus thought to himself as he reached stealthily into his pocket to grab and eat a stick of licorice, “So there was no Cupid with bow and arrow in the original Saint Valentine story.”


Betty Grable as a female Cupid in a photo taken back in the 1940s.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 14th
2019

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Rahaf al-Qunun Granted Asylum In Canada

January 11, 2019 at 11:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield drank a toast in champagne with his fellow British Transhumanist Party caucus MP the Welsh vampiress Morgana over the fact that Saudi woman Rahaf al-Qunun was being able to toast her new found freedom in red wine aboard a flight from Bangkok Thailand (via Seoul South Korea) to Toronto.

Toasting her new found freedom in red wine would no doubt cause many extremist Wahhabi imams in Saudi Arabia to roll over in their soaked liquid filled mattresses (caused by nocturnal and daytime emissions brought about by visualized thoughts of the 72 dark eyed houri promised them).

Earlier this evening, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that the Canadian federal government would be granting refugee status to Miss Rahaf al-Qunun in Canada.

After having made the announcement, Justin spent a few minutes wondering about what had become of his beloved cannabis marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever.

The pot smoking and prickly little fellow had been kidnapped last month by Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (the daughter of well known 1920s and ’30s mad scientist Dr. Fu Manchu of Sax Rohmer narrative fame) in retaliation for last month’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou by Canadian authorities on the orders of the “jealous because we’re lagging behind China in developing 5G networks” U.S. government.

Justin Trudeau missed conversing with the rather silent little fellow but more importantly missed the cannabis smoke exhaled by the greenhouse creature with the prickly disposition.

Inhaling all that smoke would allow him to converse with the ET gray Gali-Gula from planet Nibiru (who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

For some reason, the Canadian Prime Minister was only able to see the odd looking and eccentric gray little creature when he had been inhaling pot.

Justin was seeking Gali-Gula’s advice on who he should get to replace Scott Brison as President of the Canadian Treasury Board next Monday.

As Renfield sipped the champagne (and wondered whether 2004 was a good year as far as the French champagne growers were concerned), he thought of his good friend the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh who was the pearl white sparkling incisors smiling vampirically immortal granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh.

Renfield and Ho had recently worked together in poisoning Apple CEO Tim Cook (again in retaliation for the arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport).

Ho Babylon Minh was the one responsible for tonight’s happy conclusion in the Rahaf al-Qunun case.

When Rahaf al-Qunun had been detained by Thai authorities at Bangkok International Airport back on January 6th and a Saudi diplomat had confiscated her passport (no doubt with the same wanna be enthusiastic charm shown towards Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul back in October), Ho Babylon Minh had rushed to Thailand to converse with her friend the King of Thailand.

As a result of Ho’s intervention, Miss Rahaf’s deportation back to Saudi Arabia was delayed.

If Miss Rahaf had been sent back to Saudi Arabia, it would most likely have been a race between her family and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s rather extensively large diplomatic janitorial cleaning service to see who could kill her first.

The United Nations Commission on Human Rights intervened and granted Rahaf al-Qunun refugee status.

Causing Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman to burst a blood vessel in his middle finger as he was examining plans for a Mark of the Beast system to be implemented for future citizens of his proposed autonomous NEOM economic zone along the Red Sea.

And now Rahaf al-Qunun was headed towards a new life in Toronto Canada.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was lying in bed when suddenly the ghost of Sir Laurence Olivier appeared in front of him.

Olivier was portraying the role of Tom Snout a character in William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Tom Snout was a tinker and one of the “mechanicals” of Athens an amateur theatre troupe putting on Pyramus and Thisbe a play within a play within A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Snout played the part of the wall separating Pyramus and Thisbe in Pyramus and Thisbe.

Olivier as Tom Snout as the Wall spoke thus,

In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Snout by name, present a wall…

With that a 219 inch colour TV built by Samsung appeared in mid-air.

“It may cost anywhere between $10,000 and $100,000
but far cheaper than $5.7 billion which only a knave and an ass would spend…”

Trump started screaming as his toupee suddenly became infested with the same black coloured crickets and cockroaches that had suddenly and mysteriously infested Mecca within the past few days.

Lexington his butler and valet entered the Presidential bedroom as Trump’s secret service bodyguards were fast asleep as they were no longer being paid due to the government shutdown.

“Is there something the matter, sir?” Lexington called out in the darkness.

“I’m having to shampoo my hair with a blow torch,” Trump cried back.

“Very good, sir,” Lexington closed the door and went back to bed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 11th
2019.


Rahaf al-Qunun: Off to a new life in Canada.

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Donald Trump’s Phone Call With Saudi Crown Prince

November 19, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Crime, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The verdict was in.

The CIA, CSIS, MI-6 and the German Federal Intelligence Service were all convinced that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman had personally ordered the brutal and savage murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi,

But as Donald Trump brushed all the squirrel droppings and walnuts out of his toupee, he knew in his heart of hearts and brain of brains that he had more intelligence put together than any intelligence agency on the planet (or anyone else for that matter).

He sung to himself, “MBS killed no one, this I know, for the Saudi Crown Prince tells me so.”

He said to Lexington his valet as he dressed for bed, “I had a long phone conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince tonight, Lexington.”

“Delighted to hear it, sir,” his British butler answered.

“Lexington, do you know if we have a U.S. Consulate in Istanbul?” Trump asked.

“I believe we do, sir,” Lexington answered.

“I wonder if it would be possible for us to find a Turkish fiancee for CNN’s Jim Acosta,” Trump mused aloud.

“Good God, sir,” Lexington’s face turned ghostly white, “and just what was the gist of your conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 19th
2018.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s vision (just before his lobster tank exploded again) of DARPA contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as actress Emma Watson telling the car driver, “Take me to the U.S. Consulate here in Istanbul.”

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DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

October 11, 2018 at 10:36 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was currently working on the Beautify Calgary Project (as opposed to the Manhattan Project) – which was developing a new atomic weapon much like the old neutron bomb which instead of killing people and leaving buildings intact was to kill a certain set of people and leave other people intact.

Mephistopheles the demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

However that proposal was vetoed by a higher member of Hell’s demonic and fallen angelic hierarchy.

The hierarchical superior (who approved of Pan Goatee) suggested instead that fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows should be killed with the new weapon.

And hence the name – the Neutrouglotino bomb (a neutron bomb guaranteed to neutralize ugly women and kill them dead- to paraphrase an old TV Commercial for Raid House and Garden Bug Killer insecticide spray).

The proposal was to use it in the City of Calgary since they had the greatest number of ugly women per capita in the world.

And since the vast majority of fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows in the city’s female population were white, it should also meet with the approval of Mephistopheles whose demonic job was to promote racism and hatred of other races among all races.

However only a small quantity of Neutrouglotino powder could be used since it was mined in Antarctica 🇦🇶 and only a small portion could be mined every year.

Pan Goatee upon seeing an ugly woman would then drop the powder and with its UGLO searching ability injected into it through the use of uglo-hating nanites (whose masturbatory thoughts and fantasies were filled with images of Akira a female Japanese sex robot with the highest form of Artificial Intelligence and Dragon Sister kickass Martial Arts abilities which met with the DARPA Seal of Approval by a DARPA employee codenamed after the Greek titan god of heavenly light 🌞) would then go and kill every ugly looking woman within a 5 block radius.

This being Calgary of course, it wasn’t long before Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a hideous repulsively ugly looking fat ugly blimp of a white woman.

Pan Goatee threw the bomb powder and the blimp fell to the ground quite dead (causing a major earthquake on the other side of the world from the spot).

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and beheaded the blimp sticking the blimp’s head in a potato 🥔 sack that said DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT.

The nanites ate the rest of the blimp body and immediately vomited 🤮 afterwards.

This procedure was then followed throughout the day by Pan Goatee encountering numerous fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows.

He’d throw the Neutrouglotron powder, the uglo offender to humanity would keel over, Krampus the 2nd would behead the aesthetic offender, stick the hideous head into the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT and then the nanites would eat the rest of the uglo creature from Hell (the dreaded and mercifully unknown to Dante 13th circle of the Inferno) and immediately proceed to vomit 🤮 all over the place.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi was being inundated with thousands of calls from outraged citizens about gallons of unusual looking vomit 🤮 that were appearing on city sidewalks.

As for the uglo creatures’ heads in the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT, Goatee had instructed Krampus the 2nd to deliver those to Trump’s gold plated washroom in the West Wing of the White House and to stack the hideous repulsively looking ugly heads one on top of the other on the bathroom floor such as the display from Hell would be the first thing that Trump would see upon entering the Oval Office Executive Washroom.

. . .

Lexington the White House valet heard the most heart wrenching eardrum piercing scream and anguished 😧 cry that he had ever heard in his life.

He went rushing down the hall and there sat Donald Trump on the floor outside his gold plated washroom with a look of extreme shell shock in his eyes, sheer terror on his face and a mouth agape as if dead 💀.

Finally Trump spoke.

He spoke the same words over and over again.

The same words that were spoken by Marlon Brando’s character of Col. Kurtz at the end of Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now.

“The horror… the horror…”

. . .

While California psychologist Christine Blasey Ford was being flown into Washington DC to be brought in as a consultant to use her Artificial Situation In The Mind Visualization Technique to bring the President out of his state of extreme extreme extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lexington the White House valet was suspecting a Democratic Party Deep State White House Secret Service plot to only intensify the Donald’s PTSD, the ghost of Orson Welles was showing the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill the TV commercial he had recently directed for a Chilean winery called Casillero del Diablo:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 11th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

August 29, 2018 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Inspiration, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

Pan Goatee could not believe the amount of dogs, cows and blimps that were out waddling and stampeding the city streets and sidewalks today.

And of course he was talking about two legged dogs, two legged cows and blimps with their elephant sized legs on the ground as opposed to blocking out the sun up in the sky and vastly increasing the amount of global warming across the globe through their massive body fat and heat.

Who the Hell left the cage doors and barn doors and Goodyear aerodrome doors open?

There were too many uglos for Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete to handle alone.

So he went into a Wal-Mart without any photo ID to buy himself an astral laser automatic machine gun with a thousand rounds of ammunition.

The only piece of ID he had on him was a written note from his psychiatrist that had on it written the single phrase, “This fellow is totally insane and mentally unstable.”

One clerk rang up the bill of sale, the other clerk packed up Pan Goatee’s astral laser automatic machine gun and rounds of ammunition into a bag and a third clerk invited him to buy an NRA membership which they were offering for $5 a year for today only.

Goatee accepted the membership discount.

“If there weren’t so many uglies around today,” Pan quipped, “I’d say today was my lucky day.”

“I know what you mean about uglies visually polluting the urban landscape,” the third clerk sympathized, “I lost yesterday’s breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack and today’s breakfast simultaneously when I came to work this morning.”

“Hey, who up chucked 🤮 the equivalent of the entire Amazon River and Pacific Ocean basin in the men’s washroom?” The janitor’s voice echoed throughout the store.

Pan Goatee went outside, loaded his ammunition and began firing at the massive amount of uglies all over the city.

News media reporters and TV cameramen were too busy reading and analyzing the latest tweets from Donald Trump on their smart phones to film the shootings and the gunman.

When Pan Goatee had started to develop Lee Harvey Oswald elbow as a result of too much shooting with one arm and then Grassy Knoll Gunmen elbow as a result of too much shooting with the other, he went into a cocktail lounge for a drink.

While there, he happened to notice Oprah Winfrey sitting up at the bar.

Goatee approached the former TV show host.

He had run out of ammunition but he still had his astral laser machete.

“It’s all your fault, Oprah,” he told the multi-billionaire entertainer, “that we have so many ugly white women in English speaking North America this century. Telling all these fat ugly blimps to have high self-esteem and feel good about themselves even though they turned into fat ugly visually aesthetically challenged dogs, cows and blimps sitting on their ugly asses watching television all day.”

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the talk show hostess with his astral laser machete.

“I won’t be back after this message,” were Oprah’s last words as her head rolled on to the floor and then on to the Persian carpet.

. . .

“Mister President,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides informed him, “we have it on good authority that Oprah Winfrey has just been beheaded.”

“That’s good,” Trump tried to comb some seagull droppings out of his hair, “there goes one of my potential Democratic Presidential opponents for 2020. Anyone behead Dwayne The Rock Johnson yet?”.

“Not yet,” his aide answered.

“Pity,” Trump remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose Tea which was only available in Canada but he managed to talk his butler and valet Lexington into smuggling some across the border for him.

. . .

Ellen DeGeneres was trying to find Nemo in her outdoor fish pond when she was informed by her gardener that Oprah Winfrey had been beheaded.

“How awful,” Ellen gasped.

“I see that the publishers of A Course In Miracles have had Ms. Winfrey’s head and body cryogenically frozen and have hired London’s Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he can re-attach her head and body and then re-animate her,” the gardener read a news bulletin off his CNN News App.

“I hope he can,” Ellen said as Nemo came leaping out of the pond asking, “Where’s Dory?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2018.


A well-known anthropologist says that zombies 🧟‍♂️ probably don’t have the aesthetic sensibilities of Pan Goatee 🐐.

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The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

August 7, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Literature, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

The Times of London sent their top ghostly spectral reporter Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander to San Francisco to interview the Lovecraftian Great Old One god monster Cthulhu who had recently showed up in San Francisco Bay.

Other reporters had tried to interview the beast from the sea 🌊 but they ended up being eaten by the Creature from R’ lyeh (an underwater city in the South Pacific).

On hearing of the number of American mainstream reporters who were eaten by Cthulhu, Donald Trump tweeted, “See even Cthulhu thinks that the media is the enemy of the American people. And he can probably shoot through a hoop a lot better than Lebron James.”

An hour later Melania Trump tweeted, “Cthulhu is an inhuman monster.”

A leading American divorce lawyer then tweeted, “Who wants to grab me first? The Donald or Melania? Call me as Blondie once said.”

Since Belvedere was already a ghost, he didn’t have to worry about being eaten by Cthulhu although that didn’t stop Cthulhu from trying.

Finally in order to shut the pesky ghostly ghost white salamander Belvedere with his annoying questions up, Cthulhu finally broke down and revealed the reason for his trip to California.

“I want to see the Sacred Riana in the quarterfinals of the 2018 America’s Got Talent competition,” Cthulhu explained, “I watched her win the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition last year via underwater satellite TV in my cage in R’lyeh. Never have I been so turned on by anyone in hundreds of millions of millennia. I thought all this time I had become totally celibate. Which is why Lovecraft called me the High Priest of the Great Old Ones. He thought I was a Great Old One equivalent of Pope Hildebrand (aka Pope Gregory VII who reigned from April 22nd 1073-May 25th 1085) and thought that since celibacy was good enough for him, it was good enough for all the clergy in the West. I must confess I really didn’t have any sexual feelings until I watched the Sacred Riana in the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition.”

“I think you told me way more information than what I actually wanted to know,” Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander turned even whiter than his usual ghostly white self.

The Sacred Riana terrifies Mel B. On America’s Got Talent 2018.

. . .

“Who are you?” Donald Trump asked the ghostly spectral figure of the General who only seemed to speak Spanish, “This is why we need to build a wall. Are you the fellow who put all those Mexican drug dealers’ heads on those spikes in the White House Rose Garden recently? I must admit they helped my morning bowel movement considerably but still I don’t really relish having the crap scared out of me.”

“I am the ghost of Gen. Augusto Pinochet,” the spectre explained in Shakespearean English finally, “confined both day and night to fast in fires 🔥 until the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away. Unfortunately for me, that’s going to last from here until eternity.”

“So what are you doing here in the Oval Office then?” Trump asked.

“Hades the Greek god and guardian of the Underworld released me temporarily,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained, “Pope Francis seems to get on Hades’ nerves with all his claims about Hellish Tartarus not existing. Many in the celestial council of small-g gods are starting to think that Hades is falling down on the job. So since Hades dislikes Pope Francis and Pope Francis happens to dislike you, Hades released me to give you advice.”

“Advice on what?” Trump looked in the mirror and wondered if the Chilean military dictator might be able to recommend a good hair product for more natural looking hair colour.

“On how to organize a military coup d’état and seize power just on the off chance the Robert Mueller probe does turn up something and Congress decides to impeach you,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained.

“Beg your pardon, sir,” Lexington the Presidential butler and valet opened the Oval Office door, “but former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger is on line 1. He has just had a dream about a 1950s Mamie Van Doren 3-D motion picture that he’d like to discuss with you.”

“Is that the one where the movie announcer in the ad trailer for it says She’ll knock both your eyes out?” Trump helped himself to some left over Mexican spicy 🌶 breasts that Lexington had prepared for him this past weekend.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 7th
2018.

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