Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

September 17, 2017 at 11:34 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

Once Private Eyes ๐Ÿ‘€ Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley decided to take the case for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and search for the 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar who survived French King ๐Ÿ‘‘ Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templars, they started where most Private Eyes would when confronted with such a case.

They went to see a gypsy fortune ๐Ÿ”ฎ teller.

And a young beautiful and sexy one at that.

Dulcinea Lucia the gypsy fortune teller of London’s Carnaby Street.

When they entered her shop, they discovered she was dressed like Elvira the popular American horror movie show hostess of the 1980s- a black evening dress slit at the sides from thigh to ankle, black silk pantyhose and black spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.

This would thus be an interview both men would enjoy.

Dulcinea Lucia told Agathor and Magog that the 13 Knights had managed to escape King Philip’s Friday the 13th raid by being in a Paris brothel at the time.

When informed of the raid, the 13 knights went south to the village of Rennes-le-Chateau in the Languedoc region of southern France ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ท.

“Any idea, why there?” Agathor asked.

“One of Jesus’ cousins is buried in a grave there,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Jesus?” The Marxist atheist former Labour MP Magog raised an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“How did they become vampires?” Agathor asked.

“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in the village of Rennes-le-Chateau at the time,” Dulcinea Lucia answered, “she bit each man on the neck and turned them into vampires on the evening of October 23rd 1307 – 10 days after Philip the Fair’s Friday the 13th October raid on all the lodges and temples of the Knights-Templar in France.”

“And have those 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar survived since then?” Magog queried.

“7 of them were slain inside the Episcopalian Cathedral of St. John The Divine in New York City on Friday October the 13th 2006 while attending a Meatloaf concert being held at the central altar of the cathedral,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Meat Loaf?” Agathor asked.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia nodded, “the one who sang Bat ๐Ÿฆ‡ Out of Hell, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad, I’d Do Anything For Love and Rock And Roll ๐ŸŽธ Dreams Come Through.”

“And they had a Meat Loaf concert right at the central altar?” Asked Magog who had visited the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City with Agathor on their recent U.S. trip where they had encountered Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation at that very same central altar.

“It was more of a Knights-Templar Illuminati satanic ceremony where they were going to sacrifice Meat Loaf to the Baphomet because Baphomet wanted both a singer and a meatloaf dish for his birthday so the Illuminati and the Knights-Templar were going to give him a 2 for 1 special,” Dulcinea Lucia opened her book of meatloaf recipes.

“And you said that 7 of the Vampiric Knights Templar were slain at that Friday the 13th October 2006 Meatloaf sacrifice ceremony in the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine?” Agathor questioned.

“Yes, the 7 who attended the ceremony,” Dulcinea smoothed her dress, “the other 6 were still in their New York City ๐ŸŒƒ hotel rooms recovering from severe hangovers the night before- hangovers that saved their lives in the long run.”

“Who slew the 7 Vampire Knights that attended the ceremony?” Agathor asked.

“That was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the mighty Lakota Sioux vampire huntress Jennifer Cochran,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled, “both of them were Meat Loaf fans.”

“Of the singer or the dish?” Magog inquired.

“Both,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled and winked.

A bell went off in the kitchen behind her gypsy ๐Ÿ”ฎ ball reading room.

“If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen,” Dulcinea Lucia stood up, “my own meatloaf is ready. Unless you care to join me.”

They did.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 17th
2017.

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Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

September 16, 2017 at 5:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

Kwan Yin stood outside the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy was wearing a long flowing white dress.

But she was invisible to the Calgary Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ Department firefighters standing guard outside the hotel.

As the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith approached in the wind driving the fire towards the hotel, Kwan Yin stood holding a lotus flower ๐ŸŒบin her hand.

When Lilith, wind and fire got to within 100 metres of the Prince of Wales Hotel, Kwan Yin gently blew lotus petals off the lotus flower ๐ŸŒบ in the direction of Lilith, wind and fire.

Lilith immediately fell on her ass with the fire singeing the hem of her scarlet red evening dress.

“Bitch,” Lilith fumed at Kwan Yin.

“The kraken Tutsokiua must not be allowed to arise from his sleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake just yet,” Kwan Yin’s voice was the supreme melody of gentleness in feminine speech.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy then vanished leaving Lilith to fume and smoulder along with the ashes and cinders in her hair.

. . .

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un sat in his garden surrounded by fountains, roses and piles of human skulls.

He sat on the ground in lotus position wondering how he’d ever get up again and sang a now virtually forgotten Elvis ๐Ÿ•บ Presley song from the mid-1960s,

“Tell me just how can I take this yoga serious
When all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posterior-us…”

Kim Jong-un made a mental note to himself to have his yoga instructor shot the next day.

In his right hand, he held a daisy flower.

The dictator was awaiting the arrival of Ahriman the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil.

As he waited, Kim pulled a petal off the daisy, saying about Donald Trump, “He loves me…”

Then with the next daisy petal pulled off, he’d say, “He loves me not…”

By the time Ahriman finally arrived, Kim had pulled the final petal off the daisy, “He loves me not…”

. . .

“What’s on your mind, Dracul?” The British Transhumanist Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield asked the Canadian vampire hunter.

“Well,” Dracul Van Helsing responded, “I was at a site last night which had a link that I clicked on and the link was to the on-line papal encyclical Laudato Si. It was getting late so I only read the first few paragraphs.
Now I’ve read many other Papal Encyclicals before- those written by Leo XIII, St. Pius X, Pope Pius XI, Pope Pius XII, St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI.
And I must say after reading the first few paragraphs of Pope Francis’ Laudato Si, I felt like I was reading the opening paragraphs of a badly written Grade 7 Junior High School essay rather than the opening paragraphs of a papal encyclical.”

“Maybe in Pope Francis’ case, they amount to the same thing,” Renfield suggested.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 16th
2017.

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Waterton Lakes, Wind and Fire

September 11, 2017 at 4:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Waterton Lakes, Wind ๐Ÿ’จ and Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ

Waterton Lakes, Wind and Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had been regarded as a storm goddess in the nations of the ancient Middle East.

When U. S. President George W. Bush in his first inaugural address asked, “Do you not think an angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm?” he was referring to Lilith.

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had recently pissed Lilith off and so had to go.

Attacks on the Twin Towers in New York would ensure an eventual U.S. invasion of Iraq and the toppling of Saddam.

Now Lilith was hoping to raise an ancient ally in North America.

A kraken at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake in Waterton Lakes National Park in southern Alberta on the Alberta-Montana Canada-U.S. border.

The kraken’s name was Tutsokiua and had been asleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake for 5000 years.

One of the ways of raising Tutsokiua was having a wildfire reach the lake where he resided.

Lilith had already caused a wildfire to burn down the Sperry Chalet in nearby Glacier National Park in Montana.

Glacier National Park had been the site of a U.S. House of Episcopalian Bishops meeting back in the mid-1960s which considered having a heresy trial for Episcopal Bishop James Albert Pike one of her most ardent and committed supporters.

The House of Bishops decided not to go through with the heresy trial but Lilith still decided to get revenge some day anyways.

It was in the dining room of the Sperry Chalet that a group of anti-Pike Anglo-Catholic Episcopal Bishops plotted their strategy.

Lilith after seducing Zeus swiped one of his lightning โ›ˆ bolts โšก๏ธ and ignited the Sprague Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ by lightning on August 10th.

The fire spread and burnt down the Sperry Chalet (opened in 1914 by the Great Northern Railway) on August 31st.

The Kenow wildfire was Lilith’s weapon to raise the kraken Tutsokiua from the depths of Upper Waterton Lake.

After seducing Zeus again (Zeus was such an easy target ๐ŸŽฏ for her sultry sexy seductive charms), she swiped another lightning โ›ˆ bolt โšก๏ธ and started the Kenow wildfire back on September 1st with a lightning strike in the Flathead Valley just across the border from the national park in the province of British Columbia.

The fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ was spreading through the Akamina Valley and was expected to cross the Alberta-B.C. border into the Cameron Valley in Alberta’s Waterton Lakes National Park today.

Lilith who was riding in the wind ๐Ÿ’จ behind this storm (but former U.S. President George W. Bush was too busy being a spectator at NFL Football ๐Ÿˆ games to notice this time) was hoping to drive the fire towards the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake by the middle of this week.

The Prince of Wales Hotel opened in 1927 having been built by the U.S. Great Northern Railway to lure American tourists during the Prohibition era.

The hotel was named after the Prince of Wales (the future King Edward VIII) in a transparent attempt to entice him to stay in the hotel on his 1927 Canadian tour but the prince stayed at a nearby ranch instead.

Lilith felt that if the 90-year-old hotel burnt to the ground that this would generate sufficient atmospheric chaos to cause the kraken Tutsokiua to arise from his sleep ๐Ÿ˜ด at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake.

Then burning the Prince of Wales Hotel (named after the obnoxious future King Edward VIII) to the ground would be another act of personal revenge on Lilith’s part.

Years ago when she was at a formal dinner and dance ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป in England back in the 1930s, she was expecting the Prince of Wales to ask her to dance but instead he asked that floozy Mrs. Wallis Simpson.

Hell definitely has no fury like a Lilith scorned.

As for her ardent supporter and admirer the late Episcopal bishop James Albert Pike, he was now a confirmed believer in the existence of Hell (a doctrine that he denied during his earthly lifetime).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 11th
2017.

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The New Nazi-Russian Pact

August 23, 2017 at 7:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The New Nazi-Russian Pact

At the suggestion of the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf, Lilith asked the Norse god Thor to go to Hades for her and request the release of Rasputin’s spirit from the Underworld to go up to Russia and again create havoc like he had done for the Czarist government in the previous century.

Rasputin’s spirit promptly entered the body of a Russian Eurasian brown bear and possessed it.

The grey wolf possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin then signed a treaty today agreeing to someday mutually attack a certain country in the Middle East.

The treaty was signed aboard a Jules Verne visualized helicopter airship that bore the name Albatross II and was owned by the mysterious enigmatic individual known as Robur The Conquerer II.

The witnesses to the treaty were the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith, the little green frog Nimrod and the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus.

The treaty was signed on this the 78th Anniversary of the original Nazi-Soviet Pact.

. . .

Hillary Clinton sat at the table drinking her glass of lemonade.

She was angry about what a Fox News commentator said about her this morning.

The Fox News commentator had said that she had lost her marbles.

Imagine that, Hillary harrumphed.

She, Hillary Clinton, had lost her marbles.

Sheesh.

What would they say next?

Hillary looked at her guest sitting across the table from her- Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician- 6 ft. 6 in height, pinkish coloured fur, jade green eyes wearing an extremely large pair of spectacles ๐Ÿ‘“ on his pinkish bunny rabbit nose and whiskers and who, when he spoke, had a voice that sounded a lot like the late Hollywood actor Jimmy Stewart.

Hillary had recently started seeing Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician and had hired him to mathematically examine the tweets of Donald Trump to see if Trump was sending coded messages to Russian President Vladimir Putin through his tweets.

She had informed the editorial boards of The Washington Post and The New York Times about Dr. Harvey Nash’s assignment and they told her that they eagerly awaited the results of the investigation with editors from both papers sincerely saying maybe Dr. Nash’s inquiries should be the subject of a Congressional inquiry.

To be fair, she had also contacted Fox News about bunny rabbit mathematician Dr. Harvey Nash’s investigation.

But she never heard back from them.

The only thing she got was some nasty Fox News commentator saying that she Hillary had lost her marbles.

“Would you like another glass of lemonade, dear?” Bill called from the kitchen.

“No thanks,” Hillary said.

“But you had originally asked for 2 glasses of lemonade,” Bill pointed out.

“Well,” said Hillary, “I was originally wanting a glass for our guest but you didn’t bring him one.”

“What guest would that be, dear?” Bill asked.

Hillary shook her head and smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny mathematician as he mathematically found a coded message to President Putin in a single 3-letter tweet of Trump that said, WTF?.

“I think Bill is the one losing his marbles around here,” Hillary laughed.

“So no second glass of lemonade then, dear?” Bill asked again.

“No, but do bring some carrots ๐Ÿฅ•,” Hillary said when she noticed how famished Dr. Harvey Nash looked.

“Did you say carrots?” Bill’s voice sounded quizzical from the kitchen.

“Yes, I said carrots,” Hillary sounded exasperated, “and really big ones too.”

“Chelsea,” Bill’s voice rang out, “will you go dig some carrots out of the garden? I’ve eaten carrots but I’ve never dug.”

“The carrots will be along shortly,” Hillary smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician.

. . .

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was modelling the robes he would wear when he proclaimed himself the new Sultan of the revived Ottoman Empire (after he had held a national referendum rigged in his favour of course).

The designer of the robes was none other than the great Milan fashion designer ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸŽจ Fabius Faberge.

Erdogan had hired Fabius Faberge to design his Ottoman Sultan robes on the recommendation of British singer Sir Elton John.

“How do they look?” Erdogan asked Fabius Faberge as the Turkish leader twirled around in his robes.

“Fabulous,” Fabius Faberge answered.

August 23rd 2017 was indeed an inauspicious beginning to future geopolitical events on the world stage.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 23rd
2017.

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Lilith Takes The Crown

August 22, 2017 at 7:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Takes The Crown

Lilith was being crowned Queen of the Universe at a ceremony in a chapel at the Vatican in Rome.

The cardinal doing the crowning was the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (JM stood for his secret society moniker Judas Manasseh).

He was assisted in this by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress was wearing a beautiful scarlet red evening dress as she was being crowned.

Also present at the ceremony was Nimrod a little green frog.

Nimrod was supposed to be in charge of carrying the flowers for the ceremony but, being a frog, he ate them instead.

As Nimrod was busy hiccoughing rose petals from his mouth, the demon Asmodeus was busy filling up the chapel with his cigarette smoke from his irritatingly bad cigarette smoking habit.

His demonic acquaintances tried to talk him into wearing a nicotine patch which he did but it didn’t seem to work for him.

Coughing on Asmodeus’ cigarette smoke was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf (a grey wolf whose body had been possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler after it had been granted permission by Hades and Persephone to leave the Underworld and wander the Earth for awhile at the Germanic god Wotan’s request which he asked of the Greek chthonic deities through his emissary Thor).

Adolf hadn’t liked cigarette smoke in his previous life and didn’t think much of it in this one either.

But seeing as how he was no longer the Fuhrer of Germany, he could no longer order that Asmodeus be shot by firing squad.

Not that demons were prone to death by firing squad anyways.

When the ceremony was over, they walked outside to enjoy the sunset over Rome.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf then started howling that he had an idea on how to cause trouble for Russia.

Since no one in the party understood lupine, they ignored the grey wolf’s howling.

The psychic seer Cassandra Sibylline walked by and she could understand the lupine language.

She said, “The wolf is saying that if you want to destabilize Russia, then go to Hades and Persephone and request that the spirit of Grigori Rasputin be allowed to leave the Underworld and return to Russia for a while.”

A party strategist for the U.S. Democratic National Committee (DNC) walked by and thought that was an excellent suggestion.

He would report back to Hillary Clinton with that suggestion since she was still wanting revenge against Russia for costing her (in her opinion) the last U.S. Presidential election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 22nd
2017.

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Lilith, Asmodeus and Nimrod On Mount Moriah

August 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Lilith, Asmodeus and Nimrod On Mount Moriah

The Ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was standing atop Mount Moriah (known to Jews as the Temple Mount and known to Muslims as the Haram al-Sharif) alongside the demon Asmodeus and a little green frog called Nimrod (in his mortal life he had been ruler of the city of Babel and builder of the Tower of Babel but as a result of a vampiric kiss of life administered by Lilith gone awry due to a lack of vermouth, he had been brought back from the dead all right but his genetic make-up had changed and he had been turned into a frog as a result).

Lilith spoke,

When shall we three meet again?
In Moscow, Mecca or in Spain?

Asmodeus answered,

When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the Battle of Gog and Magog’s lost and won.

Nimrod (after using his tongue to capture one of Beelzebub’s passing flies) said,

That will be ere the set of sun.

Lilith: Where the place?

Asmodeus: Upon Mount Meggido.

Nimrod: There to meet with He Who Cannot Be Named (if I may borrow an expression from the Harry Potter books).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 14th
2017.
He

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Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation Part 2

May 20, 2017 at 3:42 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“The reason,” Miranda the mermaid looked at Nathan the Controller of the Golem, “that the mermaid goddess Atargatis wants to destroy Israel is because of her daughter Semiramis. Semiramis has formed an alliance with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who, of course, has always wanted to destroy Israel and the Jews because she claims that the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good name.”

“Yes, Lilith once poisoned my Scotch whisky with polonium-210 while I was sitting in a London pub,” Nathan recalled, “it was Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher who saved my life with an antidote to polonium-210 that he invented.”

“I heard about that, Nathan,” Miranda looked at him sympathetically.

“But what caused Semiramis to form an alliance with Lilith?” Nathan asked.

“Her first husband Nimrod returned to Earth a few years ago aboard a UFO with a bunch of ET grays,” Miranda explained, “and the ship crashed near Tuktoyaktuk, Canada north of the Arctic Circle. Nimrod’s body was recovered and taken to a secret lab near Washington DC. Lilith stole Nimrod’s body and brought him back to life. Only the magic kiss Lilith used to bring Nimrod back to life went awry and the princely ruler of ancient Babel was turned into a little green frog. He now hangs out between the breasts of Lilith in her low-cut evening dresses.”

“Sounds like Nimrod has become every teen-aged boy’s fantasy come true,” Nathan thought aloud to himself.

“Is it every human teen boy’s fantasy to be like Kermit the Frog?” Miranda looked quizzically at Nathan.

“Um… no,” Nathan shook his head. “so I take it that Semiramis has formed an alliance with Lilith since Nimrod has become (ahem!) so close to Lilith.”

“That is correct,” Miranda nodded.

“And Atargatis in turn has naturally joined in alliance with her daughter Semiramis who’s aligned with Lilith,” Nathan was beginning to see the light.

The morning sun peered through the aquarium lab’s windows.

Meanwhile in Saudi Arabia, U.S. President Donald Trump had arrived with First Lady Melania Trump.
Donald and Melania Trump
Donald: I didn’t see any mermaids down in the desert sands of Saudi Arabia.

Melania: That’s probably because they’re swimming in the ocean.

Over in London, vampire hunter and MI-6 operative Dracul Van Helsing had received a phone call from Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“Dracul,” Whitstable began, “I’ve been doing some research on the famous 17th Century Jesuit scholar Father Athanasius Kircher. He apparently had in his possession some ancient Greek mechanism that was the equivalent of our analogue computers.It also served as an orrery to predict astronomical positions and eclipses. But according to the diary entry of Father Kircher’s I’ve come across, the mechanism could also be used to locate mermaids. Sadly the mechanism disappeared on the night of Father Kircher’s death.”

“You know what, Peter,” Dracul leafed through the pages of his ancestor Captain Dante Van Helsing’s journal, “I have an idea where that mechanism is now.”

“Where?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s now called the Antikythera Mechanism and it’s to be found in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece.” Van Helsing answered.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 20th
2017.

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Lilith, Asmodeus, Kim Jong-un and Aphrodite

May 13, 2017 at 3:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood on the Mount of Olives overlooking the old city of Jerusalem.

Alongside her was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf Hitler (his spirit was granted a temporary leave of absence from the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone and he had entered and possessed the body of a grey wolf).

Lilith had found the grey wolf wandering the streets of Kiev, Ukraine (where she was currently living) and had adopted the creature as her pet.

She brought him with her to the Holy Land.

“Someday,” Lilith bragged to the grey wolf, “we shall rid this land of all the Jews.”

“Sounds like a splendid idea to me,” the lupine former Fuhrer wagged his tail.

Meanwhile in France, the demon Asmodeus was visiting the village of Rennes-le-Chateau and more specifically the Church of Saint Mary Magdalene.

He had heard that there was a statue of himself holding up the holy water stoup inside the Church.

“A very good likeness,” Asmodeus grinned as he lit a cigarette and took a selfie of himself alongside the statue and posted it to Facebook.

Meanwhile back at the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was in hot water.

His residence was one of the few places in Venezuela where the hot water was still working.

But none of this concerned the megalomaniacal President as he sat in his bath tub text messaging with his ally North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un boasted to Maduro on his Skype screen, “I’ve got the Greek god Hephaestus designing and making my missiles for me.”

Meanwhile in Athens, Greece, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been informed by MI-6’s Diablos Nocturna Division that Hephaestus was now making missiles for Kim Jong-un.

He had arrived in Greece for one purpose.

To convince the Greek goddess Aphrodite to go to Pyongyang North Korea and convince her husband Hephaestus to stop making missiles for Kim Jong-un.

“Why should I do that for you, Dracul Van Helsing?” She asked the Canadian vampire hunter who was also an operative for MI-6.

“I’ll give you an entire evening of reasons why,” said Dracul.

After an evening of passionate love making, Aphrodite got up and greeted the dawn.

The Greek Goddess Aphrodite

“All right,” Aphrodite cooed at Dracul, “I’ll go.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 13th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec and Quetzalcoatl On Cinqo de Mayo

May 5, 2017 at 4:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec
The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec: Now living life as a blonde

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had recently dyed her hair blonde.

She was waiting by the door to go out with her spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl to attend Cinqo de Mayo celebrations.

Quetzalcoatl came down the stairs having given up on finding a tuxedo and tie that would fit him.

“Let’s go,” he said.

He did grab a giant top hat and a giant cane and wore them.

Later at the Cinqo de Mayo celebrations in Mexico City, Quetzalcoatl was pissed off to see more representations of some figure called Santa Muerte (Saint Death) rather than himself Quetzalcoatl.

“Who is this Santa Muerte?” Quetzalcoatl bitterly asked Qonzilqointec.

“She’s the patron Saint of drug dealers,” Qonzilqointec replied.

“I’m starting to feel some sympathy for Donald Trump at the moment, ” Quetzalcoatl remarked in anger.

Qonzilqointec heard shouts from the crowd, “Look, it’s a guy… some drag queen… dressed as Santa Muerte.”

The drag queen Santa Muerte looked familiar so Qonzilqointec took his/her picture with her smart phone and posted it on her Facebook page.

In Kiev, Ukraine where the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had recently taken up residence, she happened to notice Qonzilqointec’s photo of the drag queen Santa Muerte.

“It’s my castrated ex-consort the archangel Samael,” Lilith gasped.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 5th
2017.

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The Cat Who Ate Wolves For Breakfast (Plus Lunch and Supper)

April 20, 2017 at 5:03 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spetsnaz special forces who had parachuted into Kiev last Thursday under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith were werewolves.

They were a special type of werewolf.

Each soldier was a bodark werewolf.

A bodark is a person who wants to become a werewolf in Russia (as opposed to a a wawkalak who was just turned into a werewolf through the evil actions of the Devil).

To become a bodark, a person would run into a forest and stab a copper knife into a tree (while such an action might be pleasing to manufacturers of copper knives as well as those with huge investments in the copper industry, the undertaking doesn’t go over so well with Greenpeace and tree huggers everywhere).

While still holding on to the knife in the innocently stabbed tree, the would-be bodark is required to repeat this chant:

โ€œOn the sea, on the ocean, on the island, on Bujan,
On the empty pasture gleams the moon, on an ashstock lying
In a green wood, in a gloomy vale.
Toward the stock wandereth a shaggy wolf.
Horned cattle seeking for his sharp white fangs;
But the wolf enters not the forest,
But the wolf dives not into the shadowy vale,
Moon, moon, gold-horned moon,
Cheek the flight of bullets, blunt the huntersโ€™ knives,
Break the shepherdsโ€™ cudgels,
Cast wild fear upon all cattle,
On men, on all creeping things,
That they may not catch the grey wolf,
That they may not rend his warm skin
My word is binding, more binding than sleep,
More binding than the promise of a hero!โ€

Once the tree has been stabbed and the incantation chanted (with Taylor Swift singing “Boys only want love if it’s torture” in the background), the person runs off into a forest and changes into a werewolf as he does so.

Once these Russian Spetsnaz special forces soldiers had become full-fledged grey wolf bodark werewolves, Vladimir Putin put these men under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a secret treaty he signed with her shortly after his 2014 annexation of Crimea.

Lilith’s Bodark Grey Wolf Squadron did not turn into werewolves during a full moon.

Instead they turned into werewolves after listening to an old Gramophone recording of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem in concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (under a never revealed protocol of the Tehran Conference that was held from November 28th to December 1st 1943, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were secretly flown to Moscow on December 26th 1943 (thereby missing out on Utah Boxing Day sales) to make the recording in musical choral accompaniment with Josef Stalin.

As Lilith played the recording turning the Russian Spetsnaz special forces commandos into grey wolf bodark werewolves, another grey wolf was walking the streets of Kiev.

The grey wolf was none other than the ancient Germanic god Wotan’s mortal son Adolf Hitler.

He had been granted permission to leave the Underworld by Hades and Persephone after Thor paid a visit on Odin/Wotan’s behalf requesting that they do so.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf stopped in its tracks when it heard the voice of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf visualized the Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula saying, “Listen to him, the constipated dictator of the night. What a racket he makes.”

When the Gramophone finished playing and the commandos became grey wolf bodark werewolves, they were immediately attacked and eaten by a giant black cat.

The name of the giant black cat was Amorous Laetitia (whose name had inspired the title of a recent papal document although the first name was spelled differently in the Apostolic Exhortation).

Amorous Laetitia was the name of the personal pet cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Hecate had recently been beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astrally projected laser machete while she was in her crone form.

The head had been taken to a New York City cryogenics lab but the lab had been broken into by Loki and Fenrir and Fenrir had eaten the head.

Since then, Amorous Laetitia had torn apart every wolf she had come across in hopes she’d find her mistress’ head.

When she didn’t find it, she just ate the rest of the disemboweled wolf,

After seeing the black cat Amorous Laetitia eat the Spetsnaz bodarks, the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf ran down an alley and entered a building for safety.

The building turned out to be Brodsky Synagogue which was Kiev’s largest.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf could not help but think that the gods of the universe were playing some sort of cosmic joke on him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 20th
2017.

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