Renfield’s Annoyingly Bad Joke

August 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm (Humour, Jokes, Nature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Annoyingly Bad Joke

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting at the kitchen table having just finished a meal of steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.

Renfield belched loudly in succession without ever once saying “Excuse me” which was his usual post-dinner commentary on the state of the world.

On the table was a coconut cream pie for dessert later when their meals had been fully digested.

After belching, Renfield leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on the table and put his thumbs under his suspenders (for he was feeling in a Larry King fashion kind of mood today).

“You know,” Renfield grinned as he picked his teeth with his toothpick that he had carved in the shape of a Faberge micro egg sized minuscule miniature banjo, “I’ve just thought up my own joke.”

“Oh,” Amadeus grimaced for Renfield coming up with his own joke never ended well.

“Yes,” Renfield belched again for full dramatic effect, “would you like to hear it?”.

“You’ll tell it to me anyways,” Amadeus sighed.

“Here it is,” Renfield twiddled his thumbs under his suspenders, “how does a lioness get her cubs to behave?”.

“How does a lioness get her cubs to behave?” Amadeus pondered the question for an infinitely shorter space of time than Pythagoras pondered his theorem, “I have absolutely no idea.”

“She says to them,” Renfield grinned, “if you don’t stop misbehaving, I’m going to take you to see the dentist.”

Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

“Bwahahahahaha,” Renfield laughed in annoyingly Norman Newmanesque fashion at his own joke.

Amadeus picked up the cream pie on the table and shoved it into Renfield’s face.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 7th
2015.

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Haiku About Cecil The Lion Killed By Trophy Hunter In Zimbabwe

July 29, 2015 at 6:35 pm (Commentary, Crime, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Cecil The Lion Killed By Trophy Hunter In Zimbabwe

Killer’s toothy smile
Trophy ensures the lion
does not sleep tonight

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Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

December 18, 2013 at 7:54 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Satire, Songs, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.

As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo’s antennae much to the lobster’s discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.

Michelangelo’s antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.

This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up…

… “This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger’s eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.

The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.

Miss Perry had roared “I come in peace” according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn’t impressed and ate her.

Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders’ memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.

According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring “I ate a Yank and I liked it” afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2013.

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