Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March

March 15, 2020 at 10:55 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March

The Norse trickster god Loki was up to his old tricks again.

He had arranged for the ghosts of Julius Caesar, Brutus and Cassius to be released from Hades and stand on the steps of the U.S. Capitol in Washington DC not far from the entrance to the U.S. Senate to re-enact the assassination of Julius Caesar for this Ides of March in 2020.

Donald Trump was in his limousine, on his way back to the White House from his toupee maker in DC, being driven by the steps of the U.S. Capitol when he saw the ghostly re-enactment of Caesar’s assassination.

“Okayyyyy,” was the Donald’s profoundly stupid statement.

The same statement he made when his Oval Office address on the Coronavirus was finished and he didn’t realize the cameras were still rolling.

. . .

Josef Stalin’s ghost had been continuously roasting away on his barbecue spit down in Tartarus ever since he kicked the bucket back in 1953.

However Loki convinced the Greek underworld god Hades to give Stalin a temporary dispensational release from Tartarus for about an hour or two.

Acting like the ghost of Christmas Present escorting Scrooge over London, Loki took Stalin to the U.S. where he took him to a COSTCO store parking lot and showed the late Soviet Communist Party General-Secretary the multitudinously vast long line ups of people waiting to get into the store.

Next he teleported Stalin to the toilet paper aisles of the COSTCO where there was absolutely nothing on the shelves.

“Wow,” Stalin was impressed, “Long line ups of people waiting to get into the store and then once inside, there’s nothing on the shelves for them to buy.”

Stalin looked at Loki with tears in his eyes, “It’s just like the old Soviet Union.”

He grabbed a roll of toilet paper that had apparently rolled under a bottom shelf invisible to mortals and tried to wipe his teary eyes.

“Soviet style Socialism has finally triumphed in America,” Stalin smiled.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2020.

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Allatallahbel, Odin, Rudolphus, Loki and Apophis

December 30, 2019 at 11:15 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Allatallahbel, Odin, Rudolphus, Loki and Apophis

Odin sent his flying and fire-breathing reindeer Rudolphus to rescue Loki from the asteroid Apophis 99942 on which the Norse trickster god had found himself recently stranded.

This after an appeal to Odin from Loki’s daughter Hel the Norse goddess of the realm of the dead who are not warriors – a place also called Hel in the realm of Niflheim.

Rudolphus and Loki landed in Siberia to little or no fanfare though they weren’t really expecting any.

Putin, when informed of the incident, thought America might be testing new military hardware.

At the Vatican, Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal was preparing to seduce Samhain Cardinal Salaman namely because he was one of the few heterosexuals available in Pope Francis’ Vatican.

In Beijing, China’s supreme leader (and self-proclaimed god) Xi Jinping was meeting with his supernatural entity advisor the Black Dragon to discuss the upcoming war games his forces would be participating in alongside the Russians and the Iranians.

And down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was pulling out what little hair he had left over the news that it was an individual by the name of Uncle Ernie who was in charge of tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve fireworks over Sydney.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday December 30th
2019.

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Pan Goatee, Kim Jong-un, Loki and Apophis

December 28, 2019 at 11:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Kim Jong-un, Loki and Apophis

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was crossing the street carrying a bag full of cans of diet Cola so he could have a caffeine induced high at home.

As he reached the other side of the street, an ugly looking woman walked by.

The first ugly looking woman he had seen in days.

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the uglo with his astral laser machete.

“Why don’t you uglos stay indoors when it’s the holiday season?” Pan Goatee remarked as he kicked the uglo’s head into the windows of a nearby high school, “Ruining people’s holidays by walking about and frightening animals and small children not to mention everybody else. No wonder Santa Claus never visited anyone in the neighbourhood this past Christmas Eve. He didn’t want Rudolph and all of the other reindeer to be terrified to death after seeing you.”

As Pan Goatee continued down the street, his mobile phone rang.

“Goatee here,” the satyr said.

“Monsieur Goatee, this is Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Canadian Prime Minister was at the end of the wireless line, “I’m just phoning to inform you and tell you the good news that the Association For A More Aesthetically Pleasing Environment has nominated you to receive the Order of Canada.”

“Wonderful,” Goatee smiled, “I suppose this means I’ll have to buy a tux and not wear my usual Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts to the ceremony.”

“What is it that you do anyways?” Justin had forgotten to read that part of the brief before making the call.

“I kill ugly looking women,” Goatee answered.

“Oh,” Justin paused.

He was wondering how he as a self-proclaimed “feminist” would look if his government awarded the Order of Canada to someone who went around killing ugly looking women.

Not of course that he as Canada’s self-proclaimed “feminist” leader had any ugly looking women working around his office himself.

Only beautiful women.

Something he shared in common with America’s self-tweeted “misogynist” leader Donald Trump.

. . .

The Avangard Russian hypersonic missile that currently had the Norse trickster god Loki by his derrière and was carrying the famed deity into outer space was headed straight towards the Apophis 99942 asteroid.

The Apophis 99942 asteroid is about 1100 feet (340 meters) wide, was discovered in 2004 (where it was first dubbed 2004 MN4), was given the formal name Apophis a year later by the International Astronomical Union in commemoration of “the Egyptian god of evil and destruction who dwells in eternal darkness” and the asteroid has a 2.7% probability of hitting the Earth on Friday April 13th 2029.

A larger probability than that according to Set Enterprises’ Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who says the asteroid hitting the earth on that date will put a damper on celebrations marking the inauguration of Greta Thunberg as President of the United States of Europe (the same day she also finally graduates from anger management classes).

“Wow, this is one big motherfucker of an asteroid,” the Norse god Loki commented as he crashed into it.

The ghost of Oedipus Rex the King of Thebes who floated by with spectral blood flowing from his spectral eyes was not amused by Loki’s comment.

. . .

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was presiding over a general congress of the ruling North Korean Workers’ Party in Pyongyang when he was informed that a North Korean government astronomer had observed the Norse trickster god Loki doing sit ups and practicing yoga positions on the asteroid Apophis 99942.

“This must be a U.S. imperialist plot to attack our country the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea many of whose subjects are now enjoying their 7th year of widespread famine under my enlightened leadership,” Kim pounded the desk in front of him, “summon my white horse. I shall ride to the observatory to see for myself.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Saturday December 28th
2019.

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Yaldabaoth In Trinidad

December 27, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Yaldabaoth In Trinidad

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was spending his Christmas vacation on the Caribbean island of Trinidad.

After visiting a small Christmas market in Dublin earlier this month, he had bought himself an old LP record of The Andrews Sisters.

He particularly enjoyed their song Rum and Coca-Cola whose lyrics included these words:

If you ever go down Trinidad
They make you feel so very glad
Calypso sing and make up rhyme
Guarantee you one real good fine time…

Yaldabaoth was so impressed, he immediately booked a trip to Trinidad.

Now he sat on a nice warm sandy beach in Trinidad drinking a dozen rums and coca-colas under his beach umbrella.

“You’re Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun aren’t you?” Asked the Norse trickster god Loki as he set up a beach umbrella about six feet away from Yaldabaoth.

“I am,” the leprechaun nodded as he sipped one of his many rums and coca-colas, “but my mother Sophia the Gnostic Greco-Egyptian goddess of wisdom tells people that I’m the creator of the physical material universe. She doesn’t have the heart to say that I’m a sobriety challenged leprechaun.”

“Have you ever thought of joining Alcoholics Anonymous?” Loki asked as he finally managed to get his beach umbrella in the right place.

“Never,” Yaldabaoth answered as he ordered another dozen rums and coca-colas from the waitress.

“I’m the Norse god Loki,” the trickster god put on his sunglasses, “I’m tired of freezing my nuts off in the Jotunheim Mountains waiting for the Battle of Ragnarok to begin while Odin strolls around playing reindeer games with Rudolphus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer. So I’m here in warmer climes.”

Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin was announcing the launch of the new Avangard hypersonic missile system.

As he pushed the button to signal the start of the test, he announced, “I know for a fact that Donald Trump doesn’t have one of these,” as the Russian leader held his right hand down the front of his trousers.

“I wonder how he knows for a fact that Donald Trump doesn’t have one of these,” a Russian Army General muttered under his breath.

Sadly for the Russian General however, he didn’t mutter it under his breath quite low enough.

Putin overheard the remark.

Within minutes, the General found himself being abducted by mask clad Russian commandos and taken to a remote island in the Arctic Circle where a number of Russian Opposition party members suddenly found themselves this past week.

Back in Trinidad, Loki was bending over on the Trinidadian sandy beach to once again get his beach umbrella back in place to his liking.

Loki’s derrière made a tempting sight for the new Russian Avangard hypersonic missile approaching travelling at 27 times the speed of sound.

Loki soon found himself tens of thousands of miles away from that beach umbrella.

One of Pope Francis’ numerous homosexual Cardinals, who was currently celebrating Christmas down in Trinidad, arrived on the scene.

“Gosh,” the Cardinal sighed, “If I had been on the beach only half an hour earlier, I might have been the one who claimed this spot. I might have been the one bending over at the time that divinely shaped object arrived. I could have been the one carried all the way to Wonderland in my rear end.”

Meanwhile Loki was boldly going where no trickster god had gone before.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 27th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Strikes Again, Joe Biden’s Increasing Senility, Cthulhu Rises Over Hong Jong and Star of Azazel Rises In The Middle East

September 17, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Strikes Again, Joe Biden’s Increasing Senility, Cthulhu Rises Over Hong Kong and Star of Azazel Rises In Middle East

Pan Goatee was walking back from the shopping centre when he suddenly encountered 4 people walking down the sidewalk.

He noticed 3 somewhat attractive girls and another person he assumed was male.

However when he got closer, he noticed the person he thought was male was actually a hideously repulsively ugly female gargoyle.

Goatee promptly beheaded the gargoyle and cut her up into 666 trillion pieces for good measure.

Goatee then beheaded the 3 attractive looking girls remarking, “If you’re going to be walking around with someone that ugly, there is no doubt that that ugliness is probably highly contagious.”

He moved with a swiftness that would have done a WHO (World Health Organization) Crisis Epidemic Action Team proud in the way he quickly contained the potential ugliness epidemic.

. . .

BBC News Announcer on Headlines News: U.S. Democratic Presidential Candidate Joe Biden (who may or may not be senile to paraphrase an expression often used in conversations between a vampire novelist and a science-fiction writer) shocked the media and campaign audiences last week with his whopper of a tall tale on how he encountered his first black person.
According to Mr. Biden’s incoherent ramblings on that day, he encountered his first black person while working as a white life guard in a blacks only swimming pool.
Today Mr. Biden told the media and audiences that he encountered his first Chinese person while eating Chinese food in a Chinese restaurant. He added that he encountered his first gay person when he was sodomized in the rear end in an all male Health Club sauna room…

. . .

Some of the pro-democracy protestors in Hong Kong were becoming more violent thanks to Cthulhu’s leadership efforts.
On the other side, the Black Dragon (supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping) was encouraging pro-Beijing one China civilian hoodlums to attack and club peaceful pro-democracy protestors while the Hong Kong police stood around and watched while consuming vast quantities of coffee and donuts prior to going back and shooting tear gas and rubber bullets at protestors.

Cthulhu thought it would only be a matter of time before Beijing actively intervened.

Therefore for his own part, he was hoping to get the U.S. military involved in the Hong Kong conflict.

But how?

Cthulhu had a video conferencing call with the demon Mephistopheles who had a great deal of influence in the Trump Administration.

Cthulhu hoped to bring Mephistopheles on board into getting the U.S. military involved in the Battle for Hong Kong.


Mephistopheles: Having a video conferencing call with Cthulhu the Great Old One from the Nemo Point of the South Pacific

. . .

The demon Asmodeus was sitting in a lox cream and bagel shop in Tel Aviv watching the Israeli election results come in.

“It looks like another minority government,” the chain smoking Asmodeus remarked to the Norse trickster god Loki who was eating a plate of lutefisk.

“That would appear to be the case,” Loki was now vaping an e-cigarette lethally laced with a combination of Canadian marijuana and Jim Beam doused Australian cactus plant.

“So who do you think is responsible for the attack on the Saudi oil refinery this past weekend?” Asmodeus asked Loki, “The Houthis? The Iranians themselves?”.

“Well, the mighty Thor thinks it was an Israeli operation to get Saudi Arabia and the U.S. into waging war on Iran in order to save Benjamin Netanyahu’s sagging political career,” Loki used a large bottle of vodka to wash the lutefisk down.

“Really?” Asmodeus lit himself another dozen cigarettes which he smoked simultaneously.

Meanwhile over Jerusalem, the Netanyahu government was using a great search light to cast the non-Gotham City bat signal into the night sky to summon the mysterious Mossad operative called Star of Azazel.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 17th
2019.

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More of Pan Goatee’s Aesthetic Cleansing, Baphomet In Ottawa and Hel In London

August 24, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

More of Pan Goatee’s Aesthetic Cleansing, Baphomet In Ottawa and Hel In London

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had happily strolled into a shopping mall’s food court when suddenly his eyes were visually assaulted by the hideous repulsive sight of a fat ugly blimp, her equally hideous and repulsive thin ugly stoat looking younger sister and her younger brother (who though not ugly had a look of extreme stupidity on his face).

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “Who keeps letting the dogs out in this city?”.

The satyr then used his astral laser machete to behead the thin ugly stoat looking younger sister commenting, “I hope you realize that New Age guru Anthony Robbins’ Develop A Sense of High Self-Esteem crap definitely doesn’t apply to you.”

As he kicked the heads into the nearby garbage can, Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking younger brother.

“Now you’re not ugly,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the kid, “but judging from the stupid looking expression on your face, I’d say you’d more than likely have carnal relations with an ugly looking woman that I dare say your most likely equally stupid looking father did allowing more ugly offspring to enter the world contributing to the aesthetic pollution of this planet. The Amazon rainforests are burning and brainless men are having sex with uglos. What is this world coming to?”.

. . .

What the world was coming to was that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau would not be marching with the demon Baphomet at the front of the Gay Pride Parade in Ottawa tomorrow as he would be attending the G-7 Summit in France.

He had been walking with Baphomet at the front of Gay Pride Parades in cities across Canada all summer.

A chapter of the Satanic Temple that had started up in Ottawa recently and had held a satanic Black Mass in the Canadian capital a couple of weeks ago did err when they said it was their actions that were responsible for Baphomet participating in the Gay Pride Parade in Ottawa tomorrow.

As Baphomet had been doing it with the Canadian Prime Minister in numerous cities across Canada all summer.

Although tomorrow he would be doing it by himself.

Besides the satanic Black Mass held in Ottawa a couple of weeks ago was not actually supernaturally efficacious as the person presiding over the ceremony was not a defrocked Catholic priest.

These days most Satan worshipping Catholic priests were not defrocked.

They were either promoted to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops or even elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals.

The only exception to this rule was Theodore (ex-Cardinal) McCarrick who was defrocked by Pope Francis earlier this year.

That was because the ex-Cardinal McCarrick had committed the unforgivable ecclesiastical sin of actually being caught for his actions.

Had that not happened, McCarrick would have probably continued to negotiate treaties as bad as the recent Vatican-Beijing Pact which placed the Catholic Church in China under the control of the totalitarian despot Xi Jinping.

The same of course applied to Mossad operatives and blackmail and extortion provocateurs such as Jeffrey Epstein.

You can do reprehensible actions but make sure you don’t get caught for them.

Meanwhile one of Justin Trudeau’s butt kissing cabinet ministers Ralph Goodale the Minister of Public Safety (a ministry whose name was no doubt inspired by Robespierre’s Committee of Public Safety) had recently tweeted a video showing Canadian Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer giving a speech in the House of Commons as a freshman MP from 15 years ago.

In the speech, Scheer pointed out that same-sex marriage couples were incapable of biologically reproducing children on their own (something which of course is a scientific fact and therefore peculiar to most Canadian Federal Liberals who are incapable of understanding scientific facts).

Scheer’s remarks caused a moronic spokescreature for Ottawa’s LGBTQ community to snivel that he/she/it found Scheer’s remarks deeply offensive (thus providing more solid empirical evidence for British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s claim that there are numerous idiots in the modern contemporary world who actually deserve to be offended).

. . .

Meanwhile at a cemetery in London, Hel the Norse goddess of the Underworld was sitting atop a grave waiting for the Norse trickster god Loki to show up for a meeting to discuss how they could arrange maximum chaos in both Britain and Europe in the event of a No-Deal Brexit.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 24th
2019.

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More Uglos Slain, Donald Trump To Meet Loki and Vampiress Lilith Skis Mount Hermon

January 24, 2019 at 11:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again riding the bus when he saw a fat ugly blimp getting on.

“Jesus Fucking H. Christ!” Pan Goatee exclaimed when he saw the hideously grotesque offspring of a human male-female walrus abomination sexual liaison, “Calgary women seem to be getting uglier and uglier with each passing day. I feel like Sisyphus trying to roll that rock up a hill only to have it roll down again in my never ending efforts to bring a Friedrich Nietzschean and Oscar Wildean sense of beauty and aesthetics to this godforsaken city.”

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly cow and then cut her up into 666 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

He went and sat down again and the man sitting across from him asked, “What does the H. in Jesus Fucking H. Christ stand for?”.

“Harry,” Pan Goatee answered.

“Wow,” the man turned to his average looking but fortunately (for her) non-repulsive looking wife, “Jesus has the same name I do. Harry.”

“Oh shut up, Harold,” Martha replied.

When Goatee attempted to get off at his stop, some ugly stoat looking woman tried to get off in front of him and so he beheaded her and likewise cut her up into 666 trillion pieces.

“Jesus Fucking H. Christ!” Goatee exclaimed again at the mention of whose name Harold the passenger smiled, “What is it with these fucking ugly looking cretins wandering around all over the place? If the Watcher angels came down to Earth again like they did in the days of Mount Hermon, they wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men as is mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and elaborated on in the Book of Enoch because these days the daughters of men are not fair and beautiful to look upon. They’re repulsively ugly and make one want to vomit all over the place. Especially in Calgary. Gives a whole new meaning to this city’s nickname of Cowtown.”

. . .

“I just got a call on my Huawei smart phone from the Norse trickster god Loki,” Donald Trump explained to his English butler and valet Lexington, “He wants to take me out for a Norse Norwegian lutefisk dinner.”

“That’s very nice of him, sir,” Lexington removed Trump’s toupee and put it in the sulphuric acid tank to kill germs.

“What is lutefisk anyways?” Trump asked as he noted how much he looked like an elderly Lex Luthor in the mirror.

“It’s a combination of dried/salted whitefish and lye, sir,” Lexington answered.

“Wow,” Trump replied as he watched the hairs on his toupee in the sulphuric acid tank stand on end, “Is it safe to eat?”.

“Well it is my understanding, sir, that a Norwegian-Canadian gentleman up in the town of Donalda, Alberta, Canada won a lutefisk eating contest back in the 1950s by eating 94 plates of the stuff. He wasn’t around to receive the prize however as he keeled over and died while starting on his 95th plate. Today he’s still looked upon as a dead living legend in the town of Donalda and the immediate surrounding areas. In fact, his name is always spoken in whispers by people who promptly make the Sign of the Cross while doing so. Which is strange considering that most people with a Norwegian background are Lutheran and not Catholic.”

“So you’d advise me then not to eat 94 plates of the stuff?” Trump pondered what to tweet about next.

“On the contrary, sir,” Lexington shook his head, “on behalf of the 800,000 unpaid federal government workers, I think you should eat at least 94 plates of the stuff.”

“I guess I’ll have to cut down on the number of hamberders I eat ahead of time then,” Trump noted.

. . .

The Mossad agent they call the Controller of The Golem was on the southern slopes of Mount Hermon in the Israeli controlled Golan Heights.

The ski hill at Mount Hermon had been hit this past Sunday January 20th (around the time of the Super Blood Wolf Moon) by an Iranian missile in retaliation for Israeli Air Force strikes on Iranian targets near Damascus Airport.

The Controller of The Golem had been informed that a lovely and sexy redheaded woman wearing a slit skirted jade evening dress was skiing in spiked stiletto high heeled shoes and skis down the southern slopes of Mount Hermon.

The Controller of The Golem came to see for himself concerned that his agents might be smoking legalized Canadian recreational cannabis on the side.

He saw however that they were right.

“Lilith,” the Controller of The Golem remarked as the sexy slit skirted evening dress Babylonian vampiress skiied up to him.

“Nathan,” the Babylonian vampiress greeted him by name.

“What are you doing here?” Nathan asked.

“Recounting memories of making out with Semjaza the leader of the Watchers when he landed on Mount Hermon,” Lilith laughed lusciously.

“You were here when that happened?” Nathan’s jaw dropped.

“Of course,” Lilith winked, “Semjaza told me that I was the best earth lay he ever had. Azazel was our son.”

“The demon Azazel was your son?” Nathan was shocked again, “But I thought he was one of the original Watchers.”

“Many people assume that,” Lilith laughed, “yet if they paid attention to Chapter 7 of the Book of Enoch where the names of Semjaza the chief and the names of the prefects of the 200 Watcher angels are named, nowhere is Azazel’s name mentioned. Azazel is only mentioned in Chapter 8 after the Watcher angels made out with Earth women. And I being an earth vampiress and Semjaza being an angel gave rise to Azazel who taught men warfare and women witchcraft.”

“I recall what the Scapegoat did to the world,” Nathan answered.

“Yes,” Lilith smiled, “those who have power practice war and those who don’t have power practice witchcraft. Which is why since 2000 in the U.S., the Republicans have been waging war and the Democrats have been practicing witchcraft.”


The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith when she was in Saint Petersburg Russia on October 13th last autumn.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 24th
2019.

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What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

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Asmodeus’ Advice To Loki

November 16, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Norse trickster god Loki had been told by Ares the Greek god of war that Zeus was now expecting a night of lovemaking with Ariana Grande as part of a deal for releasing the Kraken.

Loki went about making arrangements for this and discovered to his horror that Ariana Grande was being protected by Saint Raphael the Archangel.

The demon Asmodeus had told Loki over cigarettes and Irish Coffee that Raphael was one tough cookie.

That centuries ago, after Asmodeus had been causing problems for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah, Raphael had captured Asmodeus in Upper Egypt and bound him.

It was an experience that Asmodeus wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy the cigarette smoking demon said as an exorcist walked through the door.

Asmodeus picked up his hat and coat, thanked Loki for a lovely evening and left sticking the Norse trickster god with paying the bill.

Loki decided he better not risk taking the horny Greek Olympian god Zeus to Ariana’s place if Raphael was around.

Instead Loki contacted Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal (who was a friend of the bar tab evading Asmodeus) and asked what he should do.

Allatallahbel suggested getting Zeus drunk on shots of tequila and then bring him around to her apartment in the Vatican to make out with her Allatallahbel.

She’d tell him that she was Ariana Grande.

So one fine November night, Loki got Zeus loaded on shots of tequila in a Rome taverna.

With Zeus three sheets to the wind and a huge windstorm pounding the Eternal City, Loki led the Olympian to Allatallahbel’s apartment in the Vatican.

Zeus entered her bedroom and noticed Allatallahbel lying face down one sheet to the wind as the window was open.

“My what lovely tattos you have, my dear,” Zeus drooled like Cerberus after a night on the town.

“The better to impress Bill Clinton and Jessie Jackson with, my dear,” Allatallahbel replied.

Soon Zeus and Allatallahbel were making out.

Pope Francis walked into the room.

“Jesus Christ!” said the pontiff.

“Not quite,” Zeus replied, “The name is Zeus. Jupiter Zeus.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 16th
2018.

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Renfield, Loki and The Emergency Alert Message In Hawaii

January 13, 2018 at 10:27 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield, Loki and The Emergency Alert Message In Hawaii

The BBC News Announcer intoned, “As Hawaiians still cope with the trauma of the emergency alert message they got on their smart phones this morning, French President Emmanuel Macron has expressed his concern that the French baguette 🥖 needs to be designated as a UNESCO world heritage cultural treasure in order to ensure its authentic protection as a French cultural treasure…”

Said Renfield as he listened to the news, “The voice of the poodle is heard throughout the land” in a paraphrase of that line from the Song of Solomon, “The voice of the turtle is heard throughout the land.”

Renfield immediately got on his tablet and used his hacking and cyber intelligence gathering skills to determine who was ultimately responsible for sending out the emergency alert message to smart phone users in Hawaii that read, BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In the Swiss Alps, the Norse trickster god Loki’s smart phone went off in his skiing chalet.

“Hello,” Loki held the phone to his ear.

“Bonjour, Monsieur Loki,” Renfield said as he took his melted ham, cheese and Hawaiian pineapple 🍍 laced baguette out of the microwave, “I hear you really enjoy those cheap drink specials you get on Waikiki Beach in Honolulu.”

“Yeah,” Loki admitted as he drank his hot toddy while looking at the Matterhorn outside his window.

“I imagine you’d no longer be getting those drink specials if Hawaiians found out who was responsible for those PTSD inducing emergency messages they got on their smart phones this morning,” Renfield used a napkin to wipe some melted cheese off his left nostril.

“What do you want?” Loki finally asked after a momentary silence.

“Funny, you should ask,” Renfield belched with great delicacy, “I wouldn’t mind a few of those millions of Norse plundered gold coins you happen to have suddenly showing up in my Swiss bank account.”

“All right,” said Loki who agreed to the transfer to buy Renfield’s silence.

As Amadeus quietly munched on his own melted Parisienne ham and Swiss cheese and Hawaiian pineapple laced baguette 🥖 and listened in on Renfield’s kitchen conversation, he could not help thinking that his friend Renfield did indeed have chutzpah as the rabbis would say.

For indeed it takes a lot of chutzpah to blackmail the Norse trickster god.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 13th
2018.

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