Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year

February 5, 2019 at 11:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”

“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.

“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”

“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”

He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”

“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.

. . .

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.

It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.

. . .

In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.

A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.

The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.

. . .

In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.

Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.

“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.

“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”

. . .


Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.

“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”

“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Rap Song

February 23, 2015 at 11:19 pm (Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Rap Song

The genetically created half- man half goat satyr serial killer Pan Goatee who worked as a hired assassin for the U.S. government had some spare time on his hands so he decided to write his own rap song about the upcoming lunar new year the Year of the Ram:

Hey how’s it going my friends
don’t swim too deep
or you’ll get the bends
They call this new year the Year of the Ram
which I’ll toast
with peanut butter and jam
Now some say it’s the Year of the Sheep
the creature who followed Little Bo Peep
others like me say that it’s the Year of the Goat
you better agree or I’ll slash your throat.
Now the god Pan’s death was announced to Tiberius on the isle of Capri
I’ll continue rapping as I take this pee
and as you can see the god Pan is back from the dead
So don’t act like your eyes be full of lead
I am he, you fools
I’ve got the tools
Goats’ hooves for feet
which is kind of neat
and I’ve also got furry goats’ legs
while my human arms carry these beer kegs
Yep, Pan is back
out of the sack
and I’m here to raise Hell
now ain’t that swell?

-A Pan Goatee rap song
written by Christopher
for his vampire novel
Monday February 23rd
2015.

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The Dancing Dragon: A Poem

January 11, 2015 at 9:46 pm (Fantasy, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Dancing Dragon: A Poem

The dragon danced
with ants down his pants
and that’s why he danced
when you’ve got the itch
then life is a bitch
all you want to do is scratch
with another to match
The Emperor Wu watched the dragon dance
seeing it quite by chance
and was so impressed
he ordered his courtiers dressed
in the costume of a dragon
and jumping off the wagon
would dance through the streets of Beijing
where there was no peeking
under the dancing dragon’s costume bold
emblazoned in bright colours of red and gold
so the tradition continues each Lunar New Year
where the dragon dances to quite a loud cheer.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday January 11th 2015.

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