Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Dr. Marmalade Montague’s Dandelion Remedy While Dr. Cadbury Rocher Plans For A New Crusader
Dr. Marmalade Montague (who didn’t hold a Doctorate in anything) was Set Enterprises’ resident eccentric.
He drank Russian tea from a Russian samovar but didn’t add lemon and honey to it like the Russians did.
Instead he added lime and maple syrup.
Marmalade Montague had been a baker with his own bakery for most of his professional life.
However that bakery went belly up during the Covid-19 lockdown in Paris France this past spring.
Going insane, he fancied himself the court scientist to the court of King Louis Quatorze who had fallen into a time warp and was taken from the reign of the Sun King to this year of 2020.
Marmalade Montague believed that it was his purpose to find an antidote or vaccine for the Covid virus.
Flying from Paris to London in a balloon, Dr. Montague showed up at the door of Set Enterprises Laboratories where Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher took pity on him and gave him a job with his own small office and even smaller laboratory to play in.
Now Dr. Montague had heard the news that Donald Trump along with First Lady Melania had tested positive for Covid-19 and the U.S. President had been flown by helicopter to the Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland.
Montague was currently working on a remedy for the virus using dandelions.
This new “scientific” approach was brought on by a dream he had where Oscar Wilde had met the Lion King and as Simba was wearing a pink dress and ballet slippers, Wilde had remarked, “Well, aren’t you the dandy lion?”.
Montague got on the phone to Walter Reed where he recommended to hospital authorities that Trump be injected with dandelion wine.
Later Montague had heard on the news that Trump was being given a dose of “experimental antibodies”.
Montague had text messaged Dr. Cadbury Rocher with this news wondering if the “experimental antibodies” being given Trump were his (the Dr. Marmalade Montague) recipe for a Covid remedy involving dandelion wine with a dash of borscht soup.
When Dr. Cadbury Rocher received the text message from Dr. Marmalade Montague, Dr. Rocher remarked to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, “I somehow very much doubt it.”
Dr. Rocher was sitting in the aquarium room alongside Michelangelo (who was playing the harp- a waterproof wooden harp with waterproof strings- in his lobster tank).
Rocher was working on a project of his own.
After long talks with British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Dr. Rocher had become convinced that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire) was becoming an increasing danger to the world.
Over the past summer Erdogan had converted 10 Byzantine Orthodox Christian churches and monasteries in Turkey into Islamic mosques.
Now there was the war between Armenia and Azerbaijan that had erupted the past week.
Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit reports were showing that it was Erdogan who was clearly behind the conflict.
Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan had told French newspaper Le Figaro today that it had evidence that Turkish Military Command is controlling Azerbaijan’s military operations in the disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh.
The Syrian Observatory For Human Rights had just issued a report saying that Turkey had now smuggled over 900 opposition fighters against Assad in Syria through Turkey into Azerbaijan to join the fight against the Armenians.
And now a group of Chaldean Catholic Bishops had also issued a report stating that Turkish military units were now attacking Christian villages in eastern Iraq.
Something would have to be done.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury (who had in fact discovered Set’s tomb in Egypt in November 1918) had recently discovered the grave of a Scottish Crusader who had fought alongside Richard The Lion Hearted in the Third Crusade.
The Crusader Leonard MacDavid was found to have his brains still intact in his skull (a powerful indication that the Scottish Crusader had never entered politics).
Dr. Rocher had resolved to put those brains inside a body and bring the Crusader back to life to lead a Crusade and fight against Erdogan.
He wondered in what body he should put Leonard MacDavid’s brains.
Dr. Rocher and Michelangelo were currently watching the 1975 comedy/fantasy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
He particularly watched with interest the scene involving the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 2nd
2020.
The Inspector and The Baker’s Daughter
The Inspector and The Baker’s Daughter
“Are you looking for something, Inspector?” The girl asked him.
A day began like any other for the Inspector
Yet no ordinary day
These are no ordinary times
Covid-19 pandemic in world.
2 days ago police in Beijing
arrested a professor
Chen Zhaozhi
Former professor at the Beijing University of Science and Technology
for calling Covid-19
The Chinese Communist Party Virus
But Beijing’s arrest did not concern the French police detective
What concerned the Paris police detective was a matter that concerned
The Paris Grand Orient Lodge
For British MP Renfield R. Renfield
had sent a confidential report today
to a French and European politician
The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI
The leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party
French President Macron had ordered surveillance of the Kraken’s
emails and text messages
And today Renfield had sent the Kraken
a confidential report
which was said to be from Five Eyes
The joint intelligence service of the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom
The report claimed that the Covid-19 virus
Was indeed a virus that had accidentally escaped from the Wuhan Institute of Virology
At an emergency meeting of the Grand Orient Lodge
Isis, Osiris and Horus
demanded to know
whether the Renfield report
was an actual copy of a Five Eyes
Intelligence Report
or whether the whole report was a
piece of Renfieldian disinformation
designed to prevent Emmanuel Macron
from ordering take out deliveries of Chinese food in Paris
A person that the Paris Police Inspector
thought might know
was Marmalade Montague
a baker and a man
from whom the Kraken bought
his croissant rolls and Chinese hot steamed buns
The Paris inspector himself used to buy his cinnamon buns from Marmalade Montague
Montague had recently been thrown out of his bakery
for lack of payment of rent
due to decline in business
during the Paris Covid-19 lockdown
However the inspector decided to visit Montague’s apartment
Perhaps the baker still lived there
As the building’s landlord had died
from the Covid-19 virus and his estate was still up in the air
The Inspector entered the apartment
As he passed by the kitchen, he noticed hot cinnamon buns lying on the counter
So the inspector stopped and ate one
He ended up eating all 6 dozen.
The Inspector received a text message on his smart phone
saying that Marmalade Montague kept poison in his bathroom medicine cabinet.
He went to check out the medicine cabinet
The bathroom door was still open
And that’s when the Inspector noticed Marmalade Montague’s lovely daughter Irene
sitting in a chair
in a corner of the living room
“Are you looking for something, Inspector?” The girl asked him.
“I was told your father kept poison in his medicine cabinet,” the inspector replied.
“He did but it’s no longer there,” Irene told him.
“Where is it?” The inspector asked.
“I added it to my dad’s recipe for his famous cinnamon buns that I left on the kitchen counter,” Irene answered.
The Inspector never did show up to that evening’s non-social distancing meeting of the Grand Orient Lodge.
A copy of Edgar Allan Poe’s short story Murders In The Rue Morgue was sent to the meeting
with a notation on the page
before the title page
that this was where the Inspector was to be found.
-A narrative poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 6th
2020.
Origins of May The Fourth
Origins of May The Fourth
Back in the mid-1970s as George Lucas was holding auditions for the voice of Darth Vader for his upcoming Star Wars motion picture, among those auditioning for the voice role were writer and actor Truman Capote.
This was the line all audition participants were to speak when auditioning for the Darth Vader voice role, “May the Force be with you.”
Then it came Truman Capote’s turn to audition.
Truman Capote (speaking with his usual fruity lisp): May the fourth be with you.
Thinking that for a galactic villain whose voice was supposed to send chills down audience spines and make their blood run cold, the makers of Star Wars settled for the deep baritone voice of James Earl Jones instead.
However back in the early 2000s, an Australian with the popular nickname of Uncle Ernie found the Truman Capote audition video tape in an old Star Wars lunch box he found in some old cupboards in his backyard unregulated and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing lab.
And a legend was born.
Since that time, May the Fourth became known as International Star Wars Day.
As May the Force Be With You became Truman Capote’s immortal May the Fourth Be With You.
. . .
“Beam me up, Scotty,” William Shatner spoke to his AI automated dispenser of his favourite brand of toilet paper as he sat on his starship throne.
. . .
Meanwhile in the catacombs of Paris, Marmalade Montague the eccentric former baker who had recently proclaimed himself Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze overheard a plot by a group of Grand Orient Lodge Freemasons to turn Notre Dame Cathedral into a New Age Freemasonic Temple.
Said the Grand Orient Lodge master, “I’ve been told by the Divine Falcon Headed Human Body Hybrid Horus himself that a world altering miracle will happen this coming May 14th.”
“That’s the same day Pope Francis told all the religions of the world to pray together isn’t it?” the Lodge secretary inquired.
“It is,” the Grand Orient Lodge master answered.
Marmalade Montague decided he better exit the catacombs before his presence was noted.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 4th
2020.
The Greek goddess Aphrodite pointing downwards at a snake slithering along the floor of one of the Vatican Museum halls.
Marmalade Montague: Birth of A Legend
Marmalade Montague: Birth of A Legend
In a bakery in Paris
were posters of the mummy Kharis
Who appeared in 1940s mummy movies
“Cause Imhotep wasn’t of the jazz Swing era groovies”
The bakery was owned by Marmalade Montague
At the end of the street or in French “la rue”
Marmalade was an eccentric gent
And because of the Covid-19 lockdown couldn’t pay the rent
So into the gutter he was thrown
Getting up, he made a moan
Inside Marmalade something snapped
opening up a genius untapped
So into the Paris catacombs he descended
and ran past ancient pipes all upended
When he emerged again
he carried a hen
and wore a silver wig
while his lips munched upon a fig
He was dressed from head to toe in Louis XIV era attire
So it was a good thing that his pants weren’t on fire
He proclaimed to empty streets
devoid of all and no words of greets
“I am Marmalade Montague court scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze”
“So I say to you, Paris, open your doors”
But no doors opened and Marmalade Montague went back to the catacombs
A world of poor reception for many smart phones
For Marmalade Montague had gone mad
If he had any friends, they might have felt sad
But as it was Marmalade had gone from good to bad.
And on this April day a legend was born
In a world that was by a virus torn
No Sacrifice of the Mass was being said
Masons hoped to make of Notre Dame a temple of lead
And in Rome, the ex-Vicar of Christ was flaming Bolshevik red
Marmalade Montague had ceased to be a baker
In his mind he had become a Louis Quatorze court alchemist faker
And the world would never again be the same
Although the mainstream media would continue to be lame.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 21st 2020.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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