Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.
His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.
She turned over.
“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.
“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.
“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”
The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.
“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.
“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”
A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.
“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.
“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.
“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.
“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”
“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.
“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.
“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.
The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.
The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.
“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.
“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”
“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.
“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”
“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.
“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”
“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.
As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.
“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her silk nightgown and read an email she had received from an MI-6 Agent whose code name was Diablos Nocturna.
She had never met Diablos Nocturna in person but the two had met on-line and had discovered they both had a mutual enemy.
They agreed to share information.
Diablos had sent her a copy of a report that he had received from an Israeli Mossad agent whose code name was The Controller of The Golem.
The report chronicled the movements of a Kraken sized octopus who was skateboarding across the state of Israel.
At his side as he skateboarded across Israel was a beautiful long haired redheaded woman who always wore the most elegant evening dresses and who had the ability to glide inches above the ground as she walked.
The Kraken and the redhead were first spotted at a global courier delivery service in downtown Tel Aviv where the woman arranged to have a dozen shopping bags couriered to her penthouse apartment in London.
They then went up to the Sea of Galilee at the woman’s insistence so that she could walk on water up there.
“I’m giving these people something they haven’t seen in 2000 years,” she said to the Kraken as tourists hastily took pictures with their smart phones.
A divinity professor at Yale who thought all of Christ’s miracles were strictly symbolic and that nobody could actually walk on water died of a heart attack when his daughter emailed him the picture.
He couldn’t fathom the thought of having to revise all his theories and revise all those textbooks he had written.
They then went to Cana of Galilee where the Kraken, wanting to upstage the redhead’s miracle of walking on water, tried to turn pitchers of water into lager beer at an American biker’s outdoor motorcycle wedding.
When the attempted miracle failed abysmally, the Kraken found himself being pursued by a group of angry tattooed motorcycle gang members and their equally angry tattooed brides.
The redhead who called herself Medusa had wisely ascended into the sky and headed off to Jerusalem before the Kraken had even attempted his water into beer wedding miracle.
She had recently seen the Kraken attempt to pull a rabbit out of a silk hat at a Mafia wedding in Sicily and when he had pulled out the local Mafia don’s mistress’ personally monogrammed panties instead, that had not gone over so well.
The Kraken jumped on his skateboard and headed out of town just before sunset as the Hell’s Angels followed on hot pursuit on their motorcycles.
“I don’t recall this ever happening in Lady Gaga’s music video about Judas,” were the Kraken’s last words as he skated past the sign that said You Are Now Leaving Cana of Galilee.
. . .
The redheaded Medusa’s descent on to the Temple Mount on August 27th 2015 (on the 40th Anniversary of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie’s death in Addis Ababa) frightened away both Orthodox Jewish wailer at the Western Wall and Muslim worshipper on the Temple Mount alike paving the way for the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI to skateboard on to the Temple Mount on his skateboard bearing the image of former Rastafarian Bob Marley.
The report from the Controller of the Golem that Qonzilqointec was reading bore the notation that the Controller had been immediately summoned by the Office of the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu to report immediately to a West Jerusalem police station to take a sobriety test.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 27th
2015.
Medusa and The Cyborg Octopus: A Poem
Medusa And The Cyborg Octopus
In his London lab
as he bandaged his scab
Dr. Cadbury Rocher had heard of the death of a friend
It seemed that Rome’s Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had met his end
or so the Italian tabloids claimed
of his death no one blamed
He just simply disappeared
but in Rome no one cheered
or for that matter even cried
over the fact he may have died.
For the Romans by nature are an apathetic lot
and they’re like this without even smoking pot.
Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had gone down to his lab on the Isle of Capri
there by the shores of the Tyrrhenian Sea
over a spot where Emperor Tiberius once practiced sodomy
His departing words, from a big bottle I’ll unleash the genie.
And then he was never heard from again
though truth be told, tentacles were coming from his rear end.
A large bottle with a ship inside was found floating near a nearby shore
and a brave Capri fisherman said, I’ll open this door.
He uncorked the top off the bottle
and found himself in a deadly throttle
for a Kraken had emerged from inside the ship
and with a hooked tentacle pierced the fisherman’s lip.
(For more on the origins of this Cyborg Octopus Kraken, please read
https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/06/18/the-cyborg-octopus-a-poem/
)
Then the talking cyborg octopus Kraken
found the hot Capri sun a trifle bakin’
and so he headed deeper out to sea
where cool ocean breeze caressed him tenderly.
O Isle of Capri!
So much history!
Ancient and modern!
Much is forgotten!
Napoleon conquered you in September 1806
But the British played an oceanic game of pick-up sticks
They ousted the French from you the following May
and no replaced non as an expression for nay!
The French reconquered Capri in 1808
and Napoleon’s ego became insufferably great
They remained there until 1815 when Napoleon met his Waterloo
and Bonaparte rule of Europe was finally through.
So on that Capri day there went out to sea
on a day that will be remembered in future history
the Kraken who called himself Napoleon the Sixth
a Kraken who had once been confined to the mists of myth.
Meanwhile Dr. Cadbury Rocher had in his lab Medusa’s body and head
A long lab table was now the lamented ex-Gorgon’s bed
She had been retrieved from her burial place by a metallic robot
who answered to the long forgotten Biblical name of Tobit
for you see robots do not turn to stone
plus they have a built-in smart phone
so Tobit found Medusa and brought her here to Dr. Rocher’s London lab
calling the doctor who left the restaurant leaving Renfield with the tab.
Rocher called in his robot he called Edward Scissorhands
named after the Johnny Depp character with scissors for hands
The robotic barber cut Medusa’s hair of snakes
plus removed from her scalp a few dandruff flakes
He added to the scalp Rocher’s Instant Hair Growth Formula
whose sale was scheduled for marketing in California
And lovely flowing red lockets appeared
Her body was reattached to her head once feared.
He then brought in a fashion designer from House of Chanel
because he thought Medusa should give up clothing from Hell
And the Chanel designer fitted her with a Phoenician purple dress
A Vidal Sassoon stylist made sure her hair wasn’t a mess.
And thus a new Medusa was born
one whose heart was no longer forlorn
For she was now a great raving beauty
no longer a feminazi whose face resembled her booty.
And then Rocher sailed the red haired slit skirted purple dress fair Medusa to Normandy’s shore
which was the start of Der Fuhrer Hitler’s downfall Churchill had swore.
And as the lovely Medusa stood there on the beach
she soon found hooked tentacles within her reach
but no harm would come to her
for the Kraken adored her
He had found true love at last
too bad his many arms had hooks of brass.
And so on this Nativity of Saint John The Baptist
Greek myth and Napoleon’s legacy met and kissed
for the Corsican name Napoleon
was Italian equivalent of Greek Apollyon
His name in the Hebrew tongue is Abaddon
infinitely more powerful than the genie of Aladdin.
-A narrative poem
and vampire novel
chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 24th
2015.
Haiku About Unlucky Consumer Medusa The Gorgon
Haiku About Unlucky Consumer Medusa The Gorgon
Medusa Gorgon
must always replace iPhone
when she takes selfie
Dracul Van Helsing 