Medusa and The Magician
Medusa the former Gorgon stood outside a casino in Monte Carlo.
She once again decided to try her luck.
The past couple of nights had not been lucky for her.
But one more night and she would return to Paris.
Most of the money from her husband’s patent for an invisible earthworm (said to attract highly myopic fish) had been lost at the casino tables.
But she would try one more night.
As she entered the casino, she encountered a magician she had watched perform in her hotel lounge last night.
A most amazing man.
Said to have been descended from a magician who was the talk of Vienna in the dying days of the Austro-Hungarian Empire a century ago.
When the last Emperor abdicated at the insistence of a sub-point to be found in footnotes at the bottom of U.S. President Woodrow Wilson’s 14 Points, the magician in his last show had shouted “God save the Emperor!” and had then vanished in a puff of smoke never to be seen again.
This man (claiming to be a descendant of that famous magician) had appeared out of nowhere last year at a concert of Peter, Paul and Mary musical impersonators singing a rendition of Puff The Magic Dragon.
The man had suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke wearing a dragon costume.
The man stepped out of the dragon costume and announced to the world that he was Honahlee the Illusionist.
He had been mesmerizing audiences ever since.
“Hello, Honahlee,” Medusa smiled at him, “I wish you could help me pick winning numbers at the roulette table.”
The magician bowed and smiled back.
“Here is a ticket for a free drink inside,” he handed her a piece of paper.
He then vanished into the night.
Medusa went up to the roulette table and handed the ticket to a nearby waiter.
She stood and debated what numbers she should play.
“Your drink, Madame,” the waiter handed the former gorgon what looked to be a glass of orange juice, “a Harvey Wallbanger.”
Medusa took a sip of the concoction which turned out to be quite good.
So she had another sip.
And another.
And then another.
She suddenly looked next to her right and standing next to her was a 6 foot 8 tall white bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears and a big pink flopppety tail wearing a bow tie, white shirt and black tuxedo.
“The name’s Tallbanger,” the bunny rabbit smiled, “Harvey Tallbanger.”
“Well, Harvey,” Medusa purred like a cat, “what numbers should I play?”
“Bet it all on 16 red,” the bunny rabbit answered before vanishing into the night.
Medusa did so.
She won.
And she broke the bank of Monte Carlo.
As she exited the casino with her winnings, she noticed Honahlee the Illusionist trying to fit a giant top hat into an orange coloured horse drawn carriage which would be pulled by six white horses.
Honahlee smiled at her and tipped the small top hat on the top of his own head in her direction, “If you’re going to pull an extra big rabbit out of a hat, you’re going to need an extra big hat.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 10th
2019.
The Kraken Napoleon VI In A Rome Taverna
The Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa were doing very well in the opinion polls for the EU Parliamentary elections in France.
There was a very good chance that both he and Medusa would be elected to the European Parliament in Strasbourg on behalf of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.
French President Emmanuel Macron was already pulling his hair out at the news.
As the French President was on the phone to the Oval Office in Washington DC asking Donald Trump the name of a place where he did NOT buy his toupees, the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to take a break from the campaign trail and go for a short excursion to Rome.
Medusa herself would be hitting the roulette tables down in Monte Carlo.
After a day of sightseeing around Rome, the Kraken decided to pay a visit to a quiet Rome taverna and sample some good Italian wine.
When he entered through the taverna door, he noticed the ghost of Orson Welles sitting in a booth next to the statue of Venus.
“A lovely location you’ve chosen, Orson,” the Kraken sat across from the spirit he recognized as an advisor to his British Transhumanist political ally the British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“I did not choose this spot just to look at Venus’ lovely derriere contrary to what some might think,” Welles adjusted the hat on his head, “although a very lovely derriere it is. I do not want people mistaking me for Bill Clinton or Rev. Jesse Jackson enjoying Miss Ariana Grande’s most stellar performance at Aretha Franklin’s funeral last year. When I first sat down, that statue of Venus was dressed in furs. Venus in furs. But then the ghost of Baron Leopold von Sacher-Masoch entered the taverna and stole all the furs off Venus.”
“I’m sorry to have missed that,” the Kraken ordered 8 bottles of wine from the waiter.
“I hear you and Medusa are polling ahead of Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Welles lit a spectral cigar.
“Yes, I’m pleased as punch about that,” the Kraken accepted a complimentary glass of punch from the taverna’s management.
Welles looked at a woman sitting at an adjacent table.
“That woman,” Welles continued to gaze in her direction, “looks a lot like Simone Simon.”
“The noted French actress?” The Kraken put on his monocle and looked in the woman’s direction.
“Yes, she was absolutely magnificent as the cat woman in the 1942 film The Cat People,” Welles recalled.
“Ever since I saw that film and saw that one particular scene, I’ve been reluctant to swim in a YWCA swimming pool ever since,” the Kraken recalled.
Just then a Vatican Cardinal entered the taverna and sat down.
Welles gazed at the Cardinal.
“You know,” Welles leaned over and whispered to the Kraken, “I’ve been told that Cardinal is a practicing satanist.”
Just then the woman who looked like Simone Simon shapeshifted into a black panther and went over and ripped the Cardinal to shreds leaving a tangled web of cardinal’s robes and spiralling pool of blood on the taverna floor.
The cat woman then left the taverna without paying her bill causing the waiter to have a major spaz attack and go running out into the streets chasing after the she beast.
“Well,” the Kraken looked at the cardinal’s hat floating on top of the pool of blood on the taverna floor, “It looks like Satan will have one less vote at the next papal conclave.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 9th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger In Paris
The 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger who was personal spy to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in Paris to see how the Kraken Napoleon VI’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party was doing in preparation for next month’s European Parliament elections.
The French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party leader Napoleon VI (a Kraken) had formed an alliance with one of Set’s former employees the British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to run under a joint party banner for the elections.
Of course if Britain somehow managed to Brexit before the elections, Renfield’s party would be out of the running.
Most big shot bureaucrats in Brussels as well as French President Emmanuel Macron and Pope Francis were hoping Britain would manage to Brexit before the elections to prevent Renfield from getting into the European Parliament where he would no doubt use his influence to finish off the globalist New World Order European Union once and for all.
Militant Islamist terrorist groups and the Jesuit order were also upset by Renfield’s decision to sit as an atheist representative on the Committee For The Canonization of Charles Martel.
Of course Charles Martel had a snowball’s chance in Hell of being proclaimed a Saint by the Catholic Church as long as Francis was Pope but it was the principle of the matter that upset the militant Islamist terrorists and the Jesuits.
Harvey Tallbanger had spent the day touring Notre Dame Cathedral with the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa (who was now beautiful again after having her head shaved of snakes).
Security personnel did not try to stop Napoleon VI and Medusa from entering the burnt Cathedral because how does one stop a Kraken and a famed former Gorgon from Greek mythology doing something?
As for Harvey, since he was invisible, they were unable to stop him from entering.
“I see both the Cross and the Pieta statue of the Virgin Mary holding the Crucified Jesus at the High Altar were saved,” Harvey noted.
“Yes, a Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was quite ticked off they managed to survive,” Medusa noted, “he said as much in an interview with a French newspaper yesterday.”
Harvey nodded.
He was aware that Father Caiaphas was the one who had helped the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone to escape the Set Enterprises secure barn in England and had then ridden the basilisk to start the fire at Notre Dame by breathing venomous fire.
When they had finished the tour, Napoleon VI and Medusa returned to campaigning for the European Parliament and Harvey had retreated to a Paris cafe called Quasimodo’s.
The cafe had a gypsy dancer called Esmeralda appropriately enough.
When she had finished dancing, she went up to the bar to talk to the 6 foot 8 invisible bunny rabbit.
“You can see me?” Harvey was astonished, “Have you been drinking Harvey Wallbangers?”.
“No, being a gypsy, I have psychic abilities so I can see you,” Esmeralda answered.
“A psychic lobster in London called Michelangelo can also see me,” Harvey nodded.
Esmeralda and the bunny rabbit got around to discussing the fire at Notre Dame.
Harvey Tallbanger happened to mention that there was an animated short film called I Pet Goat 2 made back in 2012 that seemed to prophetically show the spire of Notre Dame Cathedral collapsing like happened this year.
“And the name of this animated short had Pet Goat in the title?” Esmeralda queried.
Harvey affirmed that it did.
“You know the character of Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame had a pet goat,” Esmeralda pointed out.
“That’s right, she did,” Harvey recalled.
“Djali was its name,” Esmeralda mentioned.
Harvey ate his jelly donut with a side of goat’s cheese.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai who had been sitting at a table in the corner of Quasimodo’s and drinking Harvey Wallbangers by the dozen suddenly looked in the direction of the French Roma Gypsy girl and the Welsh pooka bunny rabbit.
“A bunny rabbit?” Father Caiaphas seethed, “I hate bunny rabbits.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 27th
2019.
The gypsy Esmeralda
The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral
Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.
“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.
“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.
“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.
“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.
“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.
And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.
Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.
Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.
“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.
“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”
“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”
“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.
“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).
“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).
“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”
“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.
“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.
“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.
“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”
“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.
“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.
“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.
On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.
“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”
“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.
“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.
Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.
“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”
“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.
The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame
British Transhumanist- Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance
British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s British Transhumanist Party had just forged an alliance with the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party of the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI.
Should Britain have to take part in the May 23rd to May 26th European Parliamentary elections because of a Brexit extension, the British Transhumanists and French Aquarian Age Bonapartists would run together on a joint ticket with Renfield, the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa seeking elections to the European Parliament.
At first Renfield had been reluctant to join forces with the Kraken since the cyborg octopus belonged to the Church of Scientology (as a result of the Kraken attending a workshop with Tom Cruise and John Travolta a month ago).
However the Kraken had had lunch with German Chancellor Angela Merkel today where she showed the eight legged creature the 2017 turkey remake of The Mummy that starred Tom Cruise.
After the Egyptian mummy princess Ahmanet, Cruise and the producer of the film jointly laid an egg 20 minutes into the movie, this was too much for the Kraken who swore off both Scientology and non-chicken laid eggs when the film ended.
Merkel broke the good news to Renfield by phone.
The Kraken flew to London from Berlin where Renfield and the would-be Aquarian Age French Emperor signed a pact.
Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump had labelled Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a terrorist organization.
The government in Tehran responded by labeling all U.S. Armed Forces in the Middle East a terrorist organization.
And the subject on Dr. Phil’s TV talk show today was childish behaviour shown by world leaders.
And on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, the winged horse Pegasus had just landed on the mount the night before the Israeli national election.
And Russian President Vladimir Putin had brought in a spiritist medium to communicate with a Russian brown bear said to be possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin as to why Pegasus would be landing on the Temple Mount the night before the Israeli election.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 8th
2019.
Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing Enjoy An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi
Lepardia Marango: South African Cultural Attache and Dracul Van Helsing’s date for an evening of Bach and Vivaldi
Canadian vampire hunter Dracil Van Helsing had been given a pair of tickets to this evening’s London Philharmonic Concert entitled An Evening of Bach and Vivaldi.
MP Renfield R. Renfield had originally purchased the tickets for himself and his parliamentary colleague MP Morgana Fay Lee but they both had been invited to a dinner with British Prime Minister Theresa May tonight to discuss the new May-Corbyn Plan for Brexit (of which The Economist magazine had been given a sneak peak and had sent its editor into a state of orgasm).
Dracul Van Helsing decided to ask as his date for this evening Lepardia Marango who was the Cultural Attache at the South African Embassy in London:
Dracul Van Helsing picked her up in a 1939 Rolls-Royce Phantom III that had for its chauffeur Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
They enjoyed a steak and seafood dinner at the Savoy Hotel and then went to the concert.
As the orchestra was warming up, Lepardia and Dracul discussed the concert as they looked at the program sheets.
“I see the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI is going to be singing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring in the guest singer song recital with the orchestra tonight,” Dracul noted.
“Isn’t he a French politician?” Lepardia asked.
“Yes, he heads the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party and he won last place in a field of a dozen candidates in the last French Presidential election. Although he and his wife Medusa did win seats in the National Assembly for the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party,” Dracul answered.
“His wife Medusa?” Lepardia queried, “She’s the ex-Gorgon?”.
“That’s right,” Dracul nodded, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a haircut and removed all her snakes. I believe they were sent over to Ireland along with some dandruff remover on a Saint Patrick’s Day a while back. Medusa is now a beautiful woman again.”
“Didn’t he crown himself Emperor of France a few years back?” Lepardia inquired in relation to the Kraken.
“He did,” Van Helsing replied in the affirmative, “The only one who recognized the coronation was Pope Francis who did so in the hopes of providing greater inter-species cooperation on the planet.”
Lepardia and Dracul listened in rapture as all of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons were played.
They went out at intermission and enjoyed a glass of champagne.
An acquaintance of Miss Marango informed the duo that the dinner meeting with Theresa May had apparently and abruptly ended when Renfield had poured spaghetti and meatballs over the head of Baron Rothschild in a heated argument.
The pair then went into the auditorium for the 2nd half of the concert.
The final performance of the evening was the Kraken singing Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
The Kraken came out looking resplendent in a multi-armed and multi-legged tuxedo with aquamarine coloured bow tie.
He bowed to the audience’s applause and then proceeded to sing Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring.
Half-way into his recital, the Papal Nuncio to London Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus stood up in the audience and accused the Kraken of proselytism by singing a song with such lyrics.
Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus pointed out that Pope Francis had just declared proselytism a mortal sin on a recent visit to Morocco and the Kraken shouldn’t be doing such things.
The Kraken’s wife Medusa stood up in the audience and defended her husband pointing out that the Kraken was in fact a Scientologist as a result of a weekend seminar workshop he had attended with Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
Medusa then pointed out that she herself was a defrocked priestess of the Temple of Athena.
A London imam, who in fact had been enjoying the Kraken’s recital of Bach’s Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring, proceeded to end the interruption by punching the lights out of Msgr. Eltonjohnus Oscarwildeus.
The papal nuncio to London was then carried out on a stretcher as he quietly hummed the Beatles’ song, “In an octopus’ garden in the shade…”
After the concert was over, Dracul and Lepardia then went to a quiet cafe for coffee and dessert.
The papal nuncio meanwhile was wheeled into the waiting room of a London hospital where coincidentally Renfield R. Renfield was sitting there waiting with a late Victorian/early Edwardian antique teapot stuck to his hand.
Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague Morgana Fay Lee, “I feel so much like Rowan Atkinson’s Mr. Bean right now.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 4th
2019.
Cthulhu’s Cardinal and A Welsh Werewolf On Saint David’s Day
The February 1928 issue of Weird Tales in which H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu is first introduced to the world in the short story “The Call of Cthulhu”.
Since Samhain Cardinal Salaman’s official episcopal title (bestowed on him by Pope Francis) was the Archbishop of the Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains (a diocese officially created for the kabbalistic magic practicing former professional stage magician by Pope Francis), the Kabbalistic Cardinal said a Mass in commemoration of Saint David since Saint David is the Patron Saint of Wales and today March 1st was Saint David’s Day.
After saying Mass and having a breakfast of Welsh rarebit that frightened off the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre’s painted egg laying rabbit Vincent Van Yolk because he thought the cardinal said “Welsh rabbit”, Cardinal Salaman had coffee with the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (As the Cardinal was known by his initials being the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service).
Salaman informed JM that the gypsy vampiress and resident Vatican tarot card reader Stephania Borgia had prophecied that he, Samhain Cardinal Salaman, would become the next Pope if he could convince Francis to elevate a Welsh werewolf to the Cardinalate.
This would of course entail Salaman to visit his diocese in Wales in hopes of finding himself a Welsh werewolf.
The problem was since Francis had already artificially created a new diocese in Wales to make Cardinal Salaman an Archbishop, where would this new Welsh werewolf (if he could find one) Cardinal have his diocese?
Cardinal JM laughed and said, “No problem. Pope Francis has already named a committee to see if it’s possible to canonize H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu a Cathoic Saint since the Holy Father feels that naming the hundreds of meters tall octopus, dragon and giant human hybrid Great Old One malevolent deity who came down from the dark stars a Catholic Saint would constitute a huge breakthrough in ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue.”
Cthulhu: Will he be proclaimed a Catholic Saint by Pope Francis?
“Well, it probably would constitute that,” Cardinal Salaman had to admit, “but how will that help me out?”.
“Well, His Holiness is thinking of declaring the lost South Pacific City of R’lyeh (close to that ocean’s Nemo point) where Cthulhu and his other vast loathsome shaped entity Great Old Ones reside hidden in green slimy vaults in the nighmare corpse city beneath the sea a Catholic Archdiocese which will of course require an Archbishop.”
“My problem is solved,” Salaman smiled as he threw the tarot card of Death down on the table.
. . .
French President Emmanuel Macron was being briefed by the Australian-French head of the French Intelligence Service Inspector Jocko Clouseau that the right-wing populist government of Italy was plotting his overthrow.
“How do they plan to do this?” Macron asked as he ate his French toast that had been prepared in the shape of a cougar.
“They’ve formed an alliance with a Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI who is intent on restoring the Bonapartist Empire to France with himself as Emperor,” Clouseau read aloud from his ketchup and gravy covered notes, “This Kraken used to be the Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who, after he was diagnosed with an incurable fatal disease, uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg Octopus- part living octopus and part robot. The self-proclaimed Napoleon VI later met and married the immortal Medusa who was the Gorgon of Greek mythological fame. Medusa is now a good looking and sexy woman again thanks to a radical haircut that removed her snakes that was administered by the famous British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands the 2nd.”
“Did you say that this Medusa was a sexy and good looking woman again?” Macron was down to his third last piece of cougar toast.
“That is correct,” Clouseau pulled a cheeseburger out of his coat pocket and started eating it.
“Being immortal, she’s probably a lot older than I am,” Macron reflected as he was down to his second last piece of cougar toast.
“Undoubtedly,” Clouseau added a pinch of garlic to his cheeseburger.
“I’d like to meet her,” Macron wiped his mouth with a napkin after finishing his last piece of cougar.
. . .
Medusa was once again a sexy looking woman.
. . .
Celebrating Saint David’s Night at her home in Wales was the Welsh vampiress MP Morgana.
The Welsh vampiress Morgana was about to celebrate Saint David’s Night in Wales with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Minutes later at a Bed and Breakfast down the street, her former political opponent in the last British general election the former Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was awakened by the resulting tantric sex earthquake.
The former MP now turned Private Eye (who was also a werewolf) longed for a silver bullet so he could get some sleep.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 1st
2019.
Reblog of Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv
A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.
Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv
The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.
Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.
As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who…
View original post 1,297 more words
What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation
Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.
“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.
“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.
“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.
Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.
“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.
Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.
“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.
“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”
“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.
“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.
“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”
-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.
Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.
Reblog of The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
A vampire novel chapter I wrote 3 years ago about how the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI – A cyborg octopus with metallic tentacles – formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus and his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (now very beautiful looking since Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a radical haircut and cut all the snakes off her head) got themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral.
Medusa: So much sexier since she got rid of her millenia of bad hair days of viperous snakes and dandruff flakes
The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.
Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.
She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.
The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.
Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.
Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre…
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