Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK 🇬🇧 House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.
Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.
Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”
Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).
He continued.
“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini 🍸, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”
. . .
“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican 🇻🇦 Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”
“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).
. . .
In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book 📖 called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.
His smart phone went off and he answered it.
It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.
“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.
. . .
A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down
A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down
There are krakens and then there are krakens.
For example there is the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI.
In his mortal life, he had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus dying from a fatal disease so he had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part machine and part living octopus 🐙 (given a special serum of Kraken immortality that had been developed by Dr. Poseidon Prometheus’ British mad scientist friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher who had in his possession in a secret aquarium the Greek god Zeus’ own personal Kraken who is released into the world’s oceans 🌊 whenever Zeus shouts “Release the Kraken!”).
Prior to uploading his consciousness into the cyborg octopus body, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had also placed a portion of the brain of the original French Emperor Napoleon I (that he had in his possession) into the octopus’ brain.
Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had been a big admirer of both Emperor Napoleon I and Emperor Napoleon III so wanted a piece of Napoleonic brain before venturing forth into cyborg octopus immortality.
Shortly after he became a Kraken, Napoleon VI (as he now called himself) had met and fell in love 😍 with the ex-Gorgon Medusa whom Dr. Cadbury Rocher had recently revived from the dead having reunited her original head and her original body. Medusa had been restored to her original beauty after Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber (that he called Edward Scissorhands II) had given the Gorgon’s snake 🐍 ridden hairstyle 💁 a thorough cut and chopping.
Edward Scissorhands II had then applied a natural hair growth formula (that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had developed) to Medusa’s scalp and the now ex-Gorgon’s natural human hair grew back.
Napoleon VI had himself crowned Emperor of France 🇫🇷 as the Emperor Napoleon VI in Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral a couple of years ago with the papal blessing of Pope Francis for the coronation ceremony.
However the one hitch turned out to be that no one in France itself recognized the coronation.
To correct the situation, Napoleon VI and Medusa had started their own political party 🎉 in France the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party earlier this year.
The two member party 🎉 then nominated Napoleon VI as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President of France.
The plan was that when Napoleon VI was elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum asking the French people to elect him Emperor of the French.
But alas the best laid plans of Kraken and ex-Gorgon, they often go astray.
Napoleon VI wound up in 12th and last place of the 12 Presidential candidates running in the 1st round French Presidential election.
The heavy make-up wearing Emmanuel Macron then won the Presidency of France in the subsequent run-off election- a decision which the citizens of France 🇫🇷 had now come to regret.
They would have been better to choose calamari with their cheese 🧀 rather than a piece of rouge wearing white chocolate 🍫 macron.
Meanwhile over in the Caribbean, the North Korean ship The Red Scorpion 🦂 was transmitting a satellite broadcast of North Korean despot Kim Jong-un reciting aloud passages from a medieval Korean copy of The Necronomicon.
The Red Scorpion had entered the Caribbean on August 17th and had begun broadcasting aloud the Kim Jong-un oral readings from The Necronomicon (Medieval Korean edition) the same day that a then Tropical Storm ⛈ called Harvey had formed.
That day a Kraken called Uhluhtc had risen from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea 🌊 following Kim Jong-un’s readings from The Necronomicon.
Uhlucth’s thrashings had led to Harvey forming and then Irma forming and then Jose forming and then Katia forming.
And those were only from Uhlucth thrashing at the bottom of the sea.
Only the gods knew what storms would form as Uhlucth made his way to the top.
Meanwhile in Paris, the curtain came down after 30 seconds as Napoleon VI auditioned for the role of the Phantom in a Paris production of The Phantom of The Opera with the director screaming “Next!”.
Aboard the Red Scorpion, Captain Dragon Sun the ship’s head officer was watching the 1942 horror film The Cat People on his television when his phone went off.
Another Necronomicon satellite transmission from Pyongyang was coming through.
“Next!” The captain shouted to his ship’s communications officer.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 8th
2017.
Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day
Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day
U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron sat next to each other as they watched the Bastille Day parade on the Champs-Élysées.
Behind the two men, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart said to the ghost of Claude Rains, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
The previous evening Macron had taken Trump to dinner in the Jules Verne restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower with its spectacular view of Paris.
The individual Robur Pike who called himself Robur The Conquerer II sailed by in his helicopter airship The Albatross II and eavesdropped on the conversation.
When today’s parade was over, Macron took Trump back to a room in the French Presidential Palace where they continued their discussion.
Behind them (and oblivious to the two men) the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (who formerly had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus) swung on a chandelier directly above them.
The Kraken Napoleon VI’s wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgoness and her 10 million bad hair days and nights by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) stood at a table sipping champagne with U. S. First Lady Melania Trump.
Napoleon VI had run as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President in the first round French Presidential election a few months ago.
Since he had come in 12th and last place in that contest, he didn’t make it to the 2nd round which had been won by Mr. Macron.
As the Kraken swung from the chandelier above the heads of Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron, he sang his own personal paraphrased version of a popular World War I song,
Let every good fellow now join in our song,
Vive le Kraken eh?
Success to each other and pass it along,
Vive le Kraken eh?
Chorus:
Vive la, vive la
Vive l’amour.
Vive la, vive la,
vive l’amour.
Vive l’amour, vive l’amour,
Vive le Kraken eh?
A friend on your left and a friend on your right,
Vive le Kraken eh?
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
Now wider and wider our circle expands,
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll sing to our comrades in far away lands
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
With friends all around us we’ll sing out our song
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll banish our troubles, it won’t take us long
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
Should time or occasion compel us to part
Vive le Kraken eh?
These days shall forever enliven our heart
Vive le Kraken eh?
(At that point, the Kraken fell from the chandelier before he could sing the chorus for the final time)
The Kraken got up after falling and said crying 😭 in a Monty Python Mr. Gumby style voice, “I hit me head on the table.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 14th
2017.
Renfield’s Analysis of The French Presidential Election
Renfield R. Renfield was staying in the town of Tewkesbury where he was running as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party candidate in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.
His friend Amadeus Emanon was up from London visiting him to see how the campaign was going.
“It’s an exciting dynamic campaign all around,” said Renfield as he sat next to the pub dog in the Nottingham Arms Pub in Tewkesbury. The dog yawned and fell asleep next to Renfield.
“What do you think of yesterday’s French Presidential election results?” Amadeus asked referring to centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron’s overwhelming victory in the Sunday May 7th 2017 French Presidential election.
“Well,” said Renfield while eating his tuna fish and scallop omelette, “it appears that the French people have elected a brown nosed butt kisser for the New World Order to be their new President.”
“I take it you don’t approve of the result,” Amadeus remarked with his usual sense of classic understatement.
“No,” Renfield broke wind sending the pub dog fleeing out the pub door, “it would have been much better if the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate the Kraken Napoleon VI had come in first instead of 12th and last in last month’s !st Presidential round of voting. And then won the Presidential election yesterday. But the French people were too stupid to do that. A pity really. The Kraken Napoleon VI could have declared himself Emperor of France and his wife the ex-Gorgon Medusa would have become Empress. With a 3rd French Empire and Imperial Court, we could have gotten rid of the inherent stupidity of French democracy once and for all.”
“French democracy is inherently stupid?” Amadeus asked as he ate his escargots.
“Yes,” Renfield nodded as he dug into his British steak and kidney pie, “you see there’s one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy.”
“And what’s the one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy?” Amadeus asked as he bit into his camembert loaded croissant.
“The one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy,” Renfield explained, “is that it’s French people who are involved in the voting and decision making process. No wonder you have such disastrous results and major screw-ups.”
At that moment, a woman wearing a French maid outfit walked through the door.
Renfield immediately rushed up to her and said, “I love it when women wear French maid outfits.”
“That’s good, monsieur,” she replied in a sexy French accent, “because I am French and I do happen to be a maid.”
“Wonderful,” Renfield used every ounce of self-control he had to prevent his tongue from hanging out and panting, “I love the French people.”
“You should have just heard what he was saying about the French people a moment ago,” Amadeus quipped as he ate a raspberry parfait.
Renfield’s face immediately turned Bolshevik red.
“And what was that, Monsieur?” The French maid turned towards Amadeus.
Amadeus repeated Renfield’s statement verbatim and with terminological exactitude.
The kick the French maid delivered Renfield with one of her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes sent Renfield flying into the liquor cabinet behind the bar.
It was an unforgettable start to his own personal election campaign.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 8th 2017.
Simone the French Maid: Not impressed with Renfield R. Renfield’s analysis of what is the major underlying problem with French democracy.
French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken
The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.
In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.
Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.
He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )
But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.
To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.
Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.
Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.
He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).
But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.
Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.
Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.
They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.
Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.
Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.
Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.
He finished off each bottle.
Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.
He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.
Pope Francis Gets A Letter From The Ex-Gorgon Medusa
Pope Francis was in his bed reading The Communist Manifesto and The Collected Writings of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin as well as a new book Towards Better Ecumenical Relations With The Jehovah’s Witnesses (which was written by a Brooklyn Jesuit).
“Holy Father…” one of his aides entered the room.
“Please call me Francis,” Francis directed.
“Francis…” his aide suddenly changed his train of thought, “You haven’t been drinking have you, Holy Father?”.
“What makes you say that?” Francis looked at his aide.
“Your nose is awfully red,” his aide pointed at it.
“Oh, that,” Francis felt his nose and pulled off a red clown nose, “This was given to me as a gift by yet another circus troupe visiting the Vatican.”
“Oh, I see, Holy Father… I mean, Francis,” his aide corrected himself and then returned to the gist of his original thought and reason for calling on the Pope, “You’ve received yet another letter from Medusa.”
“The former Gorgon?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and stopped reading.
The former Gorgon Medusa had been brought back to life and de-Gorgonized a couple of years earlier by Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher (who had a habit of reviving all things mythological- particularly all things relating to classical Greco-Roman mythology).
Back in December 2015, Medusa had contacted Francis regarding her common law partner The Kraken (who called himself Napoleon VI) and her Medusa being crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral that month.
Medusa was worried that she might be called “a loose woman and a harlot” if she participated in the Coronation ceremony since Napoleon VI had never formally married her or even made her a proposal of marriage.
Pope Francis was unsure how to answer the question so he had passed the matter off to one of his theological advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper of Germany.
Cardinal Kasper told Medusa not to worry and to go ahead with the ceremony.
Now Medusa was contacting Francis regarding she and her husband The Kraken being able to receive Communion in a Catholic church.
She and the Kraken were now formally married, Medusa explained.
A Siberian shaman in Vladivostok had performed their marriage ceremony this past New Year’s Day.
She Medusa had converted to the Greek Orthodox Church last year and her husband The Kraken (a former atheist) had converted to both Nepalese Buddhism and the U.S. Southern Baptist Convention last year.
She was wondering if under those circumstances, she and her husband would still be eligible to receive Communion in the Catholic Church.
Pope Francis directed his aide to once again pass the question on to Cardinal Walter Kasper.
His aide bowed and left the room.
Francis once again put on his red clown nose and went to sleep fully confident that Cardinal Kasper would grant Medusa’s request for Communion in the affirmative.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 13th
2017.
Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.
His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.
She turned over.
“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.
“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.
“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”
The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.
“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.
“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”
A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.
“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.
“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.
“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.
“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”
“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.
“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.
“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.
The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.
The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.
“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.
“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”
“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.
“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”
“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.
“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”
“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.
As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.
“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.
The Kraken In Rome: A Poem
The Kraken In Rome
The Kraken went to Rome
and posed alongside Saint Peter’s Dome
Medusa took a pic with her cell phone
The ex-Gorgon and the creature of the Sea
surveyed the city from a hilltop tree
said Kraken, King of the Romans I shall soon be
like Napoleon’s son of blessed memory
The Kraken had recently crowned himself Emperor of France
and then tried to get into Medusa’s underpants
But the new Empress said I want to wait
until Pope Francis has blessed our desire to mate
Knowing Pope Francis, his answer won’t be late
for this is the Year of Mercy- kind is Fate
even though Cerberus barks at the gate
For Francis said, be prepared to be surprised by the Spirit
Destiny is a-knockin’ – can’t you hear it?
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 4th
2016.
The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.
Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.
She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.
The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.
Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.
Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre and helped himself to the Crown of Napoleon I.
The security guards decided not to argue with him since he was a Kraken (they had seen the Geico Insurance TV commercials where a kraken had caused havoc on a golf course).
Outside the Louvre, he strangled a bunch of Islamist terrorists who got in his way (they had not seen the Geico kraken golf course commercials since their major entertainment fare these days consisted of producing and starring in beheading videos).
When Medusa arrived in their hotel room, the Kraken was standing there holding the Imperial Crown of Napoleon I in one of his eight spiked tentacle metallic hands.
He announced he was going down to Notre Dame Cathedral to have the Monsignor there crown him Emperor Napoleon VI of France.
Medusa insisted that was fine but she had better pick up a new dress for the Coronation first.
So some 3-4 hours later and now in their 66th dress shop in Paris’ exclusive fashion district, the Kraken looked at the Rolex watch on one of his 8 tentacled arms and sighed, “I’d really like to get to Notre Dame before it closes.”
“Oh, be quiet, you big grump,” Medusa gazed in the mirror at the dress she was currently wearing, “being crowned Empress of the French is a once in a lifetime experience.”
. . .
Later in Notre Dame Cathedral, Medusa wore a beautiful gold coloured evening dress that Helen of Troy would have probably dumped Paris for and the Kraken wore his post-human Transhuman cyborg octopus test tube birthday suit since he was unable to find a tux that would fit him at the All Night Men’s Formal Wear Rental Store that they had visited.
The Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral was shocked when confronted with the sight of a Kraken wanting himself crowned Emperor Napoleon VI of France.
“I better phone my superiors for permission first,” the Monsignor said.
. . .
“The bells, the bells,” the hunchback papal assistant Quasihomo held his hands over his ears as the papal cell phone went off.
Later Quasihomo entered the papal apartment where Pope Francis was in bed reading a book called How To Look Humble and Self- Effacing In Public (Hint: Only Use A Compact Ford Or Volvo Or Similar Vehicle As Your Popemobile).
“Holy Father, the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is on the line,” Quasihomo explained, “he says that a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside the Cathedral.”
Pope Francis reached for his copy of Dogmatic Theology For Dummies, “Did you say a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside Notre Dame Cathedral ?”.
“Yes,” said Quasihomo.
“Well, who am I to judge?” said Pope Francis.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 2nd
2015.
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
Qonzilqointec Reads Report On Kraken and Medusa
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her silk nightgown and read an email she had received from an MI-6 Agent whose code name was Diablos Nocturna.
She had never met Diablos Nocturna in person but the two had met on-line and had discovered they both had a mutual enemy.
They agreed to share information.
Diablos had sent her a copy of a report that he had received from an Israeli Mossad agent whose code name was The Controller of The Golem.
The report chronicled the movements of a Kraken sized octopus who was skateboarding across the state of Israel.
At his side as he skateboarded across Israel was a beautiful long haired redheaded woman who always wore the most elegant evening dresses and who had the ability to glide inches above the ground as she walked.
The Kraken and the redhead were first spotted at a global courier delivery service in downtown Tel Aviv where the woman arranged to have a dozen shopping bags couriered to her penthouse apartment in London.
They then went up to the Sea of Galilee at the woman’s insistence so that she could walk on water up there.
“I’m giving these people something they haven’t seen in 2000 years,” she said to the Kraken as tourists hastily took pictures with their smart phones.
A divinity professor at Yale who thought all of Christ’s miracles were strictly symbolic and that nobody could actually walk on water died of a heart attack when his daughter emailed him the picture.
He couldn’t fathom the thought of having to revise all his theories and revise all those textbooks he had written.
They then went to Cana of Galilee where the Kraken, wanting to upstage the redhead’s miracle of walking on water, tried to turn pitchers of water into lager beer at an American biker’s outdoor motorcycle wedding.
When the attempted miracle failed abysmally, the Kraken found himself being pursued by a group of angry tattooed motorcycle gang members and their equally angry tattooed brides.
The redhead who called herself Medusa had wisely ascended into the sky and headed off to Jerusalem before the Kraken had even attempted his water into beer wedding miracle.
She had recently seen the Kraken attempt to pull a rabbit out of a silk hat at a Mafia wedding in Sicily and when he had pulled out the local Mafia don’s mistress’ personally monogrammed panties instead, that had not gone over so well.
The Kraken jumped on his skateboard and headed out of town just before sunset as the Hell’s Angels followed on hot pursuit on their motorcycles.
“I don’t recall this ever happening in Lady Gaga’s music video about Judas,” were the Kraken’s last words as he skated past the sign that said You Are Now Leaving Cana of Galilee.
. . .
The redheaded Medusa’s descent on to the Temple Mount on August 27th 2015 (on the 40th Anniversary of Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie’s death in Addis Ababa) frightened away both Orthodox Jewish wailer at the Western Wall and Muslim worshipper on the Temple Mount alike paving the way for the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI to skateboard on to the Temple Mount on his skateboard bearing the image of former Rastafarian Bob Marley.
The report from the Controller of the Golem that Qonzilqointec was reading bore the notation that the Controller had been immediately summoned by the Office of the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu to report immediately to a West Jerusalem police station to take a sobriety test.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 27th
2015.
