The Kraken In Ethiopia
The Kraken In Ethiopia
After being sworn in as a Member of the European Parliament yesterday along with his wife Medusa and his British Transhumanist friends Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken and leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party Napoleon VI was currently in Addis Ababa Ethiopia.
Unlike members of the Brexit Party who showed bad taste and bad form by turning their backs on the European Union anthem as it was played in the European Parliament, the British Transhumanist and French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance MEPs did not do that.
Of course the Kraken, Medusa, Renfield and Morgana were all big fans of Beethoven and his Ode To Joy anyways so naturally they wouldn’t do that.
What brought the Kraken to Ethiopia was that the cyborg octopus Napoleon VI was hoping to upstage his French political rival Emmanuel Macron.
It had come to the Kraken’s attention that Macron was terribly fearful that Donald Trump’s lavish Washington DC 4th of July parade planned for tomorrow might well upstage the French President’s own Paris Bastille Day parade that would be held later this month.
However it had come to Macron’s attention that the famed Ark of the Covenant (made famous by Moses the Prophet and later Steven Spielberg) might possibly be residing in a monastery church in Aksum Ethiopia.
If Macron could convince the monk guardian of the Ark to temporarily loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day parade, this would definitely upstage Trump and his hair raising toupee.
The Kraken, finding out about Macron’s plan, decided to go to Ethiopia himself and beat Macron’s Intelligence Service to the punch by tracking down the monk guardian of the Ark and asking him to loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day Parade.
The Kraken visualized himself returning to Paris with a hero’s welcome as he got off the plane carrying the Ark of the Covenant in his 8 arms.
The Kraken however did not know anyone in Ethiopia who could guide him to the monastery.
Dracul Van Helsing however was friends with the Ethiopian Princess Ayesha (a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba) whom he had met in Jerusalem earlier this year.
Van Helsing had arranged for the Kraken to meet Princess Ayesha after arriving in Addis Ababa and Her Highness would take the Kraken to the monastery church in Aksum.
The Kraken went to meet Ayesha on the rooftop of her house in Addis Ababa.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 3rd
2019.
Renfield In An Age of Demonic Totalitarianism Encounters A Stone Cold Loser
Renfield In An Age of Demonic Totalitarianism Encounters A Stone Cold Loser
“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two makes four. If that is granted, all else follows.”
-George Orwell, 1984.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to the state dinner at Buckingham Palace that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was holding for Donald Trump.
But when he showed up wearing not a formal suit but a t-shirt that said,
VISITING LONDON FROM THE U.S. AND WANTING TO MAKE YOUR TOUPEE GREAT AGAIN?
THEN VISIT BULLWINKLE’S TOUPEE SHAMPOO SALON.
he was barred from entering on orders of British Prime Minister Theresa May.
So he went home and decided to meet Amadeus Emanon who would be spending his Monday night in his favourite cafe.
He put on a t-shirt that saidÂ
LGBTQ HISTORY MONTH
and below the quote was a drawing of Abraham’s nephew Lot, Lot’s wife and family leaving the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah as they were destroyed by The Lord God of Israel.
He then entered the cafe where Amadeus was sitting and joined him at his table.
In the corner of the cafe sat London Mayor Sadiq Khan playing chess against the neighbourhood barber.
At another table sat the Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa who were visiting England as part of Anglo-French 75th Anniversary D-Day celebrations.
“So,” Renfield ordered a coffee, “Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol just sent me a text message saying that Lenin’s ghost appeared at Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s side in Vancouver today.”
“Really?” Amadeus was eating a bagel with cream cheese, “So Trudeau is now getting advice from Lenin’s ghost as well as the demons Baal and Baphomet?”.
“Apparently,” Renfield ordered a tuna fish sandwich, “And speaking of the demons Baal and Baphomet, I got word from a Set Enterprises operative in Dublin that they were meeting with the entire Irish cabinet today.”
“Really?” Amadeus looked shocked as he bit into his mashed potatoes with gravy and fried shamrocks, “I don’t imagine Saint Patrick will be very happy about that.”
“Probably not,” Renfield remarked as he looked at what Amadeus was eating.
“What’s Whitstable doing in Vancouver?” Amadeus asked.
“He’s apparently investigating the fact that the ghost of Maximilien Robespierre has been serving as an advisor to British Columbia’s so-called Human Rights Commission the past couple of years,” Renfield sipped his coffee.
“Didn’t Pan Goatee recently behead all the members of British Columbia’s so-called Human Rights Commission for imposing a large fine on somebody for saying that a person who was born a biological male “had been born a biological male”. It happened a few months back,” Amadeus ordered a hot fudge sundae.
“He did,” Renfield nodded, “but the provincial government have appointed a new bunch of politically correct assholes to replace the deceased politically correct assholes on the commission.”
London Mayor Sadiq Khan said “Merde” after his chess opponent the barber said “Checkmate”.
Medusa, who had the snakes in her hair shaved off by a robot barber invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had a slight after effect of the operation.
Whenever she heard the word “Merde”, her hair would momentarily turn into snakes again.
Sadiq Khan immediately turned to stone after seeing Medusa’s snaky hair.
Just then the waiter, who was carrying a pitcher of iced water, tripped over his feet and the ice landed on top of the now stoned Sadiq Khan who had just lost a chess game.
“Well,” Renfield commented as he observed the spectacle, “it appears Donald Trump was right about one thing. Sadiq Khan the Mayor of London is a stone cold loser.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 3rd
2019.
Medusa: As she looks when her hair doesn’t have snakes in it
Dracul and Semiramis In Paris
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.
He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.
“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.
“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”
“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.
“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.
“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.
“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”
“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”
“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.
“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”
In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.
“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.
“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.
“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.
“It was,” Dracul smiled.
“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.
“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.
“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.
“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”
“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”
“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.
He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.
As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.
The Kraken Rises Off Israel
The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.
It was from Miranda the mermaid.
It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.
“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.
It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.
The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.
Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.
The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.
The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.
From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.
The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.
It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.
The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.
After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.
The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.
He dove and then rose again.
As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.
Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.
. . .
A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.
Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.
Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.
Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.
The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.
The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.
The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.
Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.
The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”
. . .
Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.
In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.
As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.
A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.
The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.
His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.
Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.
He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.
What did the god of surprises have in store for him?
With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.
The Kraken Meets The Ghost of Orson Welles In Paris
Voting in the European Parliament elections had begun today and would continue until May 26th.
The Kraken Napoleon VI, leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party, sat in the Quasimodo Cafe and calmly sipped Lemon Tea and dipped potato chips into Sour Cream and Onion Chip Dip as he awaited the first of the results to come in.
His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgonism by Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) sat calmly painting her fingernails a lovely Moulin Rouge.
The ghost of Orson Welles (who sat across from Medusa and the Kraken) recalled how his late former wife Rita Hayworth had once performed the Can Can (to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Orpheus In The Underworld) with her fingers while wearing a pair of black leather gloves.
The performance was considered too hot to handle and was not included in Miss Hayworth’s 1946 film Gilda.
“Johnny, be good,” an impromptu line spoken by Miss Hayworth was also edited out of the film.
“Did you ever consider running for political office when you were alive?” The Kraken asked Welles’ ghost.
“Well, Democratic Party organizers in Wisconsin the state of my birth did ask me to consider running as their candidate for the U.S. Senate in Wisconsin in 1946 but I declined,” Welles sipped a nice spectral glass of spectral red wine, “something that I regretted later as my Republican opponent would have been none other than Joe McCarthy. U.S. political history might have been different had I chosen to run.”
“There’s the Egyptian vampiress Isis,” Medusa spoke critically as the Egyptian vampiress walked through the door wearing a French flag tricoloured evening dress.
“Did you know Isis was the model for Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s Statue of Liberty?” Welles recounted aloud some knowledge he had uncovered during his time spent in Purgatory.
“I’d heard that,” the Kraken ordered a cognac from the waiter.
“Isis is backing Emmanuel Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Medusa’s voice dripped with contempt like a lethal dose of snake venom.
“I think Freemasons generally support the idea of a fully integrated European Union,” Welles lit a spectral cigar, “and since both Isis and Osiris are the prevalent deities worshipped in a lot of Masonic lodges around the world, it’s no surprise that Isis and the Masons would share a similar political viewpoint.”
“I still suspect our party will do well though,” the Kraken reached for 8 glasses of cognac with his 8 arms.
“I hear our ally across the Channel Renfield is doing well in most polls there,” Welles ordered a California wine much to the displeasure of the French waiter.
“He is,” the Kraken smiled, “I wonder how long he’ll be in the European Parliament before Brexit happens.”
“I imagine EU bureaucrats will be more sympathetic to the idea of a rapid Brexit to prevent Renfield from entering the European Parliament,” Welles brushed cigar ash out of his ghostly beard.
“I hear,” Medusa changed the subject, “that Prince Harry and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex were considering asking Renfield to be their son Archie Harrison’s godfather but that the Prince of Wales is strongly opposed to the idea.”
“That I heard as well,” Welles reached for the glass of Paul Masson Wine which was sold before its time, “and the Prince of Wales might have a point. Renfield could easily become the Falstaff to young Archie’s Prince Hal.”
On the other side of the cafe, the vampiress Isis ordered a Singapore Sling as she too waited for the first of the European Parliament election results.
Meanwhile in a Paris cinema, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was attending a large screen repertory showing of the 1942 film classic Casablanca.
Suddenly appearing on the screen in front of him was a scene he hadn’t recalled seeing before.
That’s because the black and white scene wasn’t part of the movie Casablanca.
It was the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis beckoning to him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 23rd
2019.
Medusa and The Magician
Medusa the former Gorgon stood outside a casino in Monte Carlo.
She once again decided to try her luck.
The past couple of nights had not been lucky for her.
But one more night and she would return to Paris.
Most of the money from her husband’s patent for an invisible earthworm (said to attract highly myopic fish) had been lost at the casino tables.
But she would try one more night.
As she entered the casino, she encountered a magician she had watched perform in her hotel lounge last night.
A most amazing man.
Said to have been descended from a magician who was the talk of Vienna in the dying days of the Austro-Hungarian Empire a century ago.
When the last Emperor abdicated at the insistence of a sub-point to be found in footnotes at the bottom of U.S. President Woodrow Wilson’s 14 Points, the magician in his last show had shouted “God save the Emperor!” and had then vanished in a puff of smoke never to be seen again.
This man (claiming to be a descendant of that famous magician) had appeared out of nowhere last year at a concert of Peter, Paul and Mary musical impersonators singing a rendition of Puff The Magic Dragon.
The man had suddenly appeared in a puff of smoke wearing a dragon costume.
The man stepped out of the dragon costume and announced to the world that he was Honahlee the Illusionist.
He had been mesmerizing audiences ever since.
“Hello, Honahlee,” Medusa smiled at him, “I wish you could help me pick winning numbers at the roulette table.”
The magician bowed and smiled back.
“Here is a ticket for a free drink inside,” he handed her a piece of paper.
He then vanished into the night.
Medusa went up to the roulette table and handed the ticket to a nearby waiter.
She stood and debated what numbers she should play.
“Your drink, Madame,” the waiter handed the former gorgon what looked to be a glass of orange juice, “a Harvey Wallbanger.”
Medusa took a sip of the concoction which turned out to be quite good.
So she had another sip.
And another.
And then another.
She suddenly looked next to her right and standing next to her was a 6 foot 8 tall white bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears and a big pink flopppety tail wearing a bow tie, white shirt and black tuxedo.
“The name’s Tallbanger,” the bunny rabbit smiled, “Harvey Tallbanger.”
“Well, Harvey,” Medusa purred like a cat, “what numbers should I play?”
“Bet it all on 16 red,” the bunny rabbit answered before vanishing into the night.
Medusa did so.
She won.
And she broke the bank of Monte Carlo.
As she exited the casino with her winnings, she noticed Honahlee the Illusionist trying to fit a giant top hat into an orange coloured horse drawn carriage which would be pulled by six white horses.
Honahlee smiled at her and tipped the small top hat on the top of his own head in her direction, “If you’re going to pull an extra big rabbit out of a hat, you’re going to need an extra big hat.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 10th
2019.
The Kraken Napoleon VI In A Rome Taverna
The Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa were doing very well in the opinion polls for the EU Parliamentary elections in France.
There was a very good chance that both he and Medusa would be elected to the European Parliament in Strasbourg on behalf of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.
French President Emmanuel Macron was already pulling his hair out at the news.
As the French President was on the phone to the Oval Office in Washington DC asking Donald Trump the name of a place where he did NOT buy his toupees, the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to take a break from the campaign trail and go for a short excursion to Rome.
Medusa herself would be hitting the roulette tables down in Monte Carlo.
After a day of sightseeing around Rome, the Kraken decided to pay a visit to a quiet Rome taverna and sample some good Italian wine.
When he entered through the taverna door, he noticed the ghost of Orson Welles sitting in a booth next to the statue of Venus.
“A lovely location you’ve chosen, Orson,” the Kraken sat across from the spirit he recognized as an advisor to his British Transhumanist political ally the British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“I did not choose this spot just to look at Venus’ lovely derriere contrary to what some might think,” Welles adjusted the hat on his head, “although a very lovely derriere it is. I do not want people mistaking me for Bill Clinton or Rev. Jesse Jackson enjoying Miss Ariana Grande’s most stellar performance at Aretha Franklin’s funeral last year. When I first sat down, that statue of Venus was dressed in furs. Venus in furs. But then the ghost of Baron Leopold von Sacher-Masoch entered the taverna and stole all the furs off Venus.”
“I’m sorry to have missed that,” the Kraken ordered 8 bottles of wine from the waiter.
“I hear you and Medusa are polling ahead of Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Welles lit a spectral cigar.
“Yes, I’m pleased as punch about that,” the Kraken accepted a complimentary glass of punch from the taverna’s management.
Welles looked at a woman sitting at an adjacent table.
“That woman,” Welles continued to gaze in her direction, “looks a lot like Simone Simon.”
“The noted French actress?” The Kraken put on his monocle and looked in the woman’s direction.
“Yes, she was absolutely magnificent as the cat woman in the 1942 film The Cat People,” Welles recalled.
“Ever since I saw that film and saw that one particular scene, I’ve been reluctant to swim in a YWCA swimming pool ever since,” the Kraken recalled.
Just then a Vatican Cardinal entered the taverna and sat down.
Welles gazed at the Cardinal.
“You know,” Welles leaned over and whispered to the Kraken, “I’ve been told that Cardinal is a practicing satanist.”
Just then the woman who looked like Simone Simon shapeshifted into a black panther and went over and ripped the Cardinal to shreds leaving a tangled web of cardinal’s robes and spiralling pool of blood on the taverna floor.
The cat woman then left the taverna without paying her bill causing the waiter to have a major spaz attack and go running out into the streets chasing after the she beast.
“Well,” the Kraken looked at the cardinal’s hat floating on top of the pool of blood on the taverna floor, “It looks like Satan will have one less vote at the next papal conclave.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 9th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger In Paris
The 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger who was personal spy to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in Paris to see how the Kraken Napoleon VI’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party was doing in preparation for next month’s European Parliament elections.
The French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party leader Napoleon VI (a Kraken) had formed an alliance with one of Set’s former employees the British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to run under a joint party banner for the elections.
Of course if Britain somehow managed to Brexit before the elections, Renfield’s party would be out of the running.
Most big shot bureaucrats in Brussels as well as French President Emmanuel Macron and Pope Francis were hoping Britain would manage to Brexit before the elections to prevent Renfield from getting into the European Parliament where he would no doubt use his influence to finish off the globalist New World Order European Union once and for all.
Militant Islamist terrorist groups and the Jesuit order were also upset by Renfield’s decision to sit as an atheist representative on the Committee For The Canonization of Charles Martel.
Of course Charles Martel had a snowball’s chance in Hell of being proclaimed a Saint by the Catholic Church as long as Francis was Pope but it was the principle of the matter that upset the militant Islamist terrorists and the Jesuits.
Harvey Tallbanger had spent the day touring Notre Dame Cathedral with the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa (who was now beautiful again after having her head shaved of snakes).
Security personnel did not try to stop Napoleon VI and Medusa from entering the burnt Cathedral because how does one stop a Kraken and a famed former Gorgon from Greek mythology doing something?
As for Harvey, since he was invisible, they were unable to stop him from entering.
“I see both the Cross and the Pieta statue of the Virgin Mary holding the Crucified Jesus at the High Altar were saved,” Harvey noted.
“Yes, a Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was quite ticked off they managed to survive,” Medusa noted, “he said as much in an interview with a French newspaper yesterday.”
Harvey nodded.
He was aware that Father Caiaphas was the one who had helped the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone to escape the Set Enterprises secure barn in England and had then ridden the basilisk to start the fire at Notre Dame by breathing venomous fire.
When they had finished the tour, Napoleon VI and Medusa returned to campaigning for the European Parliament and Harvey had retreated to a Paris cafe called Quasimodo’s.
The cafe had a gypsy dancer called Esmeralda appropriately enough.
When she had finished dancing, she went up to the bar to talk to the 6 foot 8 invisible bunny rabbit.
“You can see me?” Harvey was astonished, “Have you been drinking Harvey Wallbangers?”.
“No, being a gypsy, I have psychic abilities so I can see you,” Esmeralda answered.
“A psychic lobster in London called Michelangelo can also see me,” Harvey nodded.
Esmeralda and the bunny rabbit got around to discussing the fire at Notre Dame.
Harvey Tallbanger happened to mention that there was an animated short film called I Pet Goat 2 made back in 2012 that seemed to prophetically show the spire of Notre Dame Cathedral collapsing like happened this year.
“And the name of this animated short had Pet Goat in the title?” Esmeralda queried.
Harvey affirmed that it did.
“You know the character of Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame had a pet goat,” Esmeralda pointed out.
“That’s right, she did,” Harvey recalled.
“Djali was its name,” Esmeralda mentioned.
Harvey ate his jelly donut with a side of goat’s cheese.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai who had been sitting at a table in the corner of Quasimodo’s and drinking Harvey Wallbangers by the dozen suddenly looked in the direction of the French Roma Gypsy girl and the Welsh pooka bunny rabbit.
“A bunny rabbit?” Father Caiaphas seethed, “I hate bunny rabbits.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 27th
2019.
The gypsy Esmeralda
The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral
Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.
“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.
“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.
“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.
“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.
“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.
And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.
Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.
Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.
“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.
“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”
“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”
“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.
“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).
“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).
“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”
“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.
“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.
“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.
“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”
“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.
“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.
“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.
On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.
“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”
“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.
“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.
Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.
“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”
“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.
The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame
British Transhumanist- Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance
British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s British Transhumanist Party had just forged an alliance with the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party of the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI.
Should Britain have to take part in the May 23rd to May 26th European Parliamentary elections because of a Brexit extension, the British Transhumanists and French Aquarian Age Bonapartists would run together on a joint ticket with Renfield, the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa seeking elections to the European Parliament.
At first Renfield had been reluctant to join forces with the Kraken since the cyborg octopus belonged to the Church of Scientology (as a result of the Kraken attending a workshop with Tom Cruise and John Travolta a month ago).
However the Kraken had had lunch with German Chancellor Angela Merkel today where she showed the eight legged creature the 2017 turkey remake of The Mummy that starred Tom Cruise.
After the Egyptian mummy princess Ahmanet, Cruise and the producer of the film jointly laid an egg 20 minutes into the movie, this was too much for the Kraken who swore off both Scientology and non-chicken laid eggs when the film ended.
Merkel broke the good news to Renfield by phone.
The Kraken flew to London from Berlin where Renfield and the would-be Aquarian Age French Emperor signed a pact.
Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump had labelled Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a terrorist organization.
The government in Tehran responded by labeling all U.S. Armed Forces in the Middle East a terrorist organization.
And the subject on Dr. Phil’s TV talk show today was childish behaviour shown by world leaders.
And on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, the winged horse Pegasus had just landed on the mount the night before the Israeli national election.
And Russian President Vladimir Putin had brought in a spiritist medium to communicate with a Russian brown bear said to be possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin as to why Pegasus would be landing on the Temple Mount the night before the Israeli election.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 8th
2019.
