Dr. Marmalade Montague’s Dandelion Remedy While Dr. Cadbury Rocher Plans For A New Crusader

October 2, 2020 at 10:20 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Marmalade Montague (who didn’t hold a Doctorate in anything) was Set Enterprises’ resident eccentric.

He drank Russian tea from a Russian samovar but didn’t add lemon and honey to it like the Russians did.

Instead he added lime and maple syrup.

Marmalade Montague had been a baker with his own bakery for most of his professional life.

However that bakery went belly up during the Covid-19 lockdown in Paris France this past spring.

Going insane, he fancied himself the court scientist to the court of King Louis Quatorze who had fallen into a time warp and was taken from the reign of the Sun King to this year of 2020.

Marmalade Montague believed that it was his purpose to find an antidote or vaccine for the Covid virus.

Flying from Paris to London in a balloon, Dr. Montague showed up at the door of Set Enterprises Laboratories where Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher took pity on him and gave him a job with his own small office and even smaller laboratory to play in.

Now Dr. Montague had heard the news that Donald Trump along with First Lady Melania had tested positive for Covid-19 and the U.S. President had been flown by helicopter to the Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland.

Montague was currently working on a remedy for the virus using dandelions.

This new “scientific” approach was brought on by a dream he had where Oscar Wilde had met the Lion King and as Simba was wearing a pink dress and ballet slippers, Wilde had remarked, “Well, aren’t you the dandy lion?”.

Montague got on the phone to Walter Reed where he recommended to hospital authorities that Trump be injected with dandelion wine.

Later Montague had heard on the news that Trump was being given a dose of “experimental antibodies”.

Montague had text messaged Dr. Cadbury Rocher with this news wondering if the “experimental antibodies” being given Trump were his (the Dr. Marmalade Montague) recipe for a Covid remedy involving dandelion wine with a dash of borscht soup.

When Dr. Cadbury Rocher received the text message from Dr. Marmalade Montague, Dr. Rocher remarked to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, “I somehow very much doubt it.”

Dr. Rocher was sitting in the aquarium room alongside Michelangelo (who was playing the harp- a waterproof wooden harp with waterproof strings- in his lobster tank).

Rocher was working on a project of his own.

After long talks with British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Dr. Rocher had become convinced that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire) was becoming an increasing danger to the world.

Over the past summer Erdogan had converted 10 Byzantine Orthodox Christian churches and monasteries in Turkey into Islamic mosques.

Now there was the war between Armenia and Azerbaijan that had erupted the past week.

Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit reports were showing that it was Erdogan who was clearly behind the conflict.

Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan had told French newspaper Le Figaro today that it had evidence that Turkish Military Command is controlling Azerbaijan’s military operations in the disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh.

The Syrian Observatory For Human Rights had just issued a report saying that Turkey had now smuggled over 900 opposition fighters against Assad in Syria through Turkey into Azerbaijan to join the fight against the Armenians.

And now a group of Chaldean Catholic Bishops had also issued a report stating that Turkish military units were now attacking Christian villages in eastern Iraq.

Something would have to be done.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury (who had in fact discovered Set’s tomb in Egypt in November 1918) had recently discovered the grave of a Scottish Crusader who had fought alongside Richard The Lion Hearted in the Third Crusade.

The Crusader Leonard MacDavid was found to have his brains still intact in his skull (a powerful indication that the Scottish Crusader had never entered politics).

Dr. Rocher had resolved to put those brains inside a body and bring the Crusader back to life to lead a Crusade and fight against Erdogan.

He wondered in what body he should put Leonard MacDavid’s brains.

Dr. Rocher and Michelangelo were currently watching the 1975 comedy/fantasy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

He particularly watched with interest the scene involving the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 2nd
2020.

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Xi, Justin, Renfield and That Damned Dam

July 15, 2020 at 10:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was reading a Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit report on what was currently happening in the People’s Republic of China.

It appeared that the Xi Jinping regime in Beijing was deliberately releasing floodwater from the spillway on the Three Gorges Dam to flood the city of Wuhan and a few other cities.

There was of course heavy rainfall that was going on in the region and the Xi regime would naturally blame the flooding and subsequent deaths on the weather.

But it would appear that the majority of the flooding was in fact being caused by the deliberate releasing of floodwater on the dam’s spillway.

“What the Hell is Xi Jinping doing?” Renfield asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was in a nearby lobster tank.

Michelangelo shrugged his lobster claws.

He had been trying to psychically probe Xi Jinping’s evil genius mind but his efforts were being blocked by the sinister looking face of an evil Black Dragon spirit entity.

On the television set in the room that both MP and lobster were in, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on the screen said that he did not think that the Two Michaels (Two Canadians Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor who were arrested and detained in China in December 2018 shortly after Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou was arrested at Vancouver International Airport by Canadian authorities at the request of the U.S. State Department) were in any grave danger as he sat and twiddled his thumbs while Canada’s slow moving justice system heard the extradition case involving Meng which would probably involve years of appeals and eventually wind up in the Supreme Court of Canada while the Two Michaels would spend their time enjoying the hospitality to be found in a Communist Chinese prison.

Justin had spent much of his first term in office as Prime Minister interfering with Canada’s judicial system in an effort to save a corrupt Quebec construction firm from criminal prosecution.

Now the inept failed former High School Drama teacher (best known for putting on blackface) said, “It is unCanadian to interfere with the independence of our judicial system. So I will not trade Meng for the two Michaels.”

“Idiot,” Renfield thought and then the news showed a brief news story and film footage about an entire Chinese family being swept way in the floods that hit their city.

Like Stalin’s enforced famine on Ukrainian farmers in the years 1932-33, the floods hitting China in this early summer of 2020 was a man-made phenomenon (caused by deliberately releasing floodwater on the Three Gorges dam’s spillway).

Xi’s ass was being helped by heavy natural rainfall in the region and so the world wouldn’t raise a heap of protect.

Because, Renfield noted, the world was being distracted by the bioweapon virus that had accidentally been released by the Wuhan Institute of Virology.

That is, Renfield thought, if it was an accident.

With a homicidal maniac like Xi on the world stage, one could never be sure.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 15th
2020.

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BBC’s Stalinist-Maoist Propaganda Chief, Pope Francis and The Last Days of Hong Kong

July 6, 2020 at 10:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

“I think it’s safe to say that Anthony Zurcher the BBC News reporter on North American affairs is a Marxist-Leninist Communist scumbag,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield began his podcast with his usual sense of diplomacy and decorum.

As Dr. Cadbury Rocher of Set Enterprises sat listening to the podcast while eating his seafood salad (much to the discomfort of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in his nearby aquarium), Renfield pointed out how Zurcher’s news reports and tweets were heavily laced with Marxist-Leninist buzzwords and not much reporting of the actual facts.

“Mr. Zurcher seems to be a transgendered 21st Century British version of 20th Century American journalist Anna Louise Strong,” Renfield went on.

American journalist Anna Louise Strong was a strong supporter of Stalin, Mao and various Communist regimes across the world back in the 1930s, ’40s, ’50s and ’60s.

She was often made fun of by British journalist, political analyst, essayist and satirist Malcolm Muggeridge who described her as a “woman who seemed to have such an intense look of stupidity about her, one could almost take it for a strange form of beauty.”

Renfield said he’d leave it to Pope Francis’ cardinals to see if beauty could also be ascribed to the bald-headed Mr. Zurcher’s equally intensely stupid face.

Renfield noted how Zurcher seemed to have covert and sometimes overt support for the anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans who were busy tearing down statues and trying, in Maoist cultural revolutionary fashion, to erase all traces of America’s past.

Meanwhile over in Rome, Pope Francis in his Sunday July 5th public audience had dropped all references to Hong Kong including a plea for religious freedom there.

In a text given to Vatican journalists before the Angelus audience, the Pope was to devote a few sentences to the situation in Hong Kong.

But those remarks were never included in the Pope’s public speech.

Renfield said there were rumours circulating today that one of Pope Francis’ speechwriters had just lost his job and even worse had his golden key to the Vatican Health Spa Steam Bath House taken away from him.

Meanwhile Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was receiving a psychic vision of Havana Cuba being hit by huge waves.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 6th
2020.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of No More Xi

May 3, 2020 at 9:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of No More Xi

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a bubble bath and playing with his rubber ducky when suddenly he picked up a news bulletin from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.

BBC News Announcer: What we know so far is that Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping was killed in an attack on Xi’s palace by an American plane.
This is probably the most dangerous international geopolitical tinderbox since the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962.
Our London reporter Ernstwhile Humphreys is reporting on the British public’s reaction to the possibility of a nuclear World War III.
Ernstwhile, can you hear me?

Ernstwhile: Yes, I can, Terence.
Stores all across the United Kingdom are reporting the biggest run on toilet paper since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic.

The camera breaks away as masked spectators in the background start singing, “Rule Britannia. Britannia rules the rolls.”

BBC News Announcer: Thank you, Ernstwhile.
We’ve just received word from our BBC Beijing correspondent Babel Ling Brooks as to what led to this major geopolitical incident.

Babel Ling Brooks (looking resplendent in her scarlet red evening dress): Thank you, Terence.
Surprisingly what hawks in the Chinese Communist Party are calling a U.S. directed airplane assassination on Xi had actually started out as a peaceful diplomatic overture from Washington DC to Beijing.
In a special White House ceremony, Donald Trump had just named actor Harrison Ford (of Han Solo and Indiana Jones fame) as U.S. Goodwill Ambassador to China and had asked the septuagenarian actor to fly to China in his own private plane (which Ford always pilots himself) to Beijing to deliver a personal message of peace and goodwill to Xi.
According to my sources in Beijing Air Traffic Control, Ford, while piloting his plane, overshot the Beijing airport by an unbelievably large number of kilometres and ended up crashing into Xi’s palace right into the paramount leader’s bedroom where Xi was apparently paramounting one of his many female concubines.
Xi was killed instantly- his head being severed by one of the plane’s rotating propeller blades and ending up on a silver platter below an Italian Renaissance artist’s painting of Salome Doing The Dance of The Seven Veils that Xi had apparently been given as a gift from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
The concubine has fortunately survived unharmed and is currently entertaining bids from both CNN and Fox News as to which U.S network she’ll grant an exclusive interview with first.”

The vision ended with the concubine holding a Siamese cat being invited to the White House by Donald Trump.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 3rd 
2020.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Dementia Prone Joe Biden and Satanic Airhead Alyssa Milano

May 2, 2020 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Dementia Prone Joe Biden and Satanic Airhead Alyssa Milano

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was playing Solitaire with his deck of waterproof playing cards using his lobster claws when he suddenly picked up a TV news bulletin from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.

Announcer: The American Psychiatric Association spokesman went on to define Trump Derangement Syndrome as a mental imbalance which the most partisan Democrats in America are extremely prone to. A condition by which the most partisan Democrats become so mentally unhinged by the mentally deranged Donald Trump that they start developing positions which while representative of opposing viewpoints to Trump are about as equally mentally unbalanced and equally dangerous as those espoused by Mr. Trump.
In other news, satanic witch airhead Alyssa Milano brushed off the sexual assault that dementia prone Joe Biden tried to pull off on Ms. Milano last night when he broke into her apartment wearing a Bill Clinton mask.
Mr. Biden tried to force himself on Ms. Milano by taking off her bathrobe.
His attempt at coitus was suddenly interrupted when he started screaming “Stella!” and then started screaming that he may have missed “a streetcar named Desire”.
The senile Presidential candidate started rummaging through her bathroom medicine cabinet but was unable to find any Viagra.
He had to be carried out in a straight jacket.
Mr. Biden is expected to name his Vice-Presidential running mate sometime in the next half hour in a hastily called looney bin press conference.
Ms. Milano said she doesn’t intend to press charges against Joe Biden “because he’s a man I admire and respect. Plus we both appear to be on the same wavelength mentally speaking. And he’s needed to defeat Donald Trump.”

. . .

Former weightlifter, movie actor and California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing another one of his livestream video podcasts to keep people entertained during the worldwide Covid-19 lockdown.

The former Terminator star was busy screaming his head off as the podcast began.

Schwarzenegger (in his thick Austrian accent): “You must excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. But my recently purchased pet goat Doctor Dolittle’s Revenge just stuck his goat horns up my buttocks. Something which I must confess I found an exceedingly painful experience.
So please don’t try this at home.
However as I drink this milk and munch on these cookies, I’m starting to feel much better now.
And now I must conclude my podcast. And remember, ladies and gentlemen. Stay home. Stay safe.”

Schwarzenegger starts screaming again when his pet goat Doctor Dolittle’s Revenge once again shoves his goat horns up the ex-Terminator’s buttocks.

. . .

The Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg had been watching the ex-Terminator’s podcast on his computer.

For the past few nights, the nuns from the convent in the movie The Sound of Music had been haunting his dreams constantly singing, “How do you solve a problem like Akira?…”

Akira was the name of his Japanese sex robot in his dystopian Sci-Fi story who had gone far beyond Westworld bad.

Seeing what a goat had just done to the ex-Terminator killer robot, perhaps he could find a way of working a goat into his story when Akira starts singing that old Joni Mitchell song, “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now…”

. . .

Pope Francis was having a conversation with Phoenix Diabolicus the demon who was the Vicar of Lucifer on Earth.

“I must say my boss is pleased with the way you have allowed the governments of the world to prevent people from receiving the Sacraments particularly the Mass all over the planet,” Phoenix Diabolicus smiled, “This will increase the chances of more and more people becoming diabolically possessed if they don’t have access to the Sacraments. Someone like John Paul II or even Benedict XVI would have raised a major fuss if public celebration of the Mass had been forbidden particularly like what is happening in U.S. states governed by anti-Life and pro-sexual perversion Democratic Party governors.”

“I’m always happy to oblige the demons Baal and Baphomet,” Pope Francis viewed the latest ecumenical document his gay lavender mafia Jesuit ghost writer had written which he was about to put his own name of authorship to.

“Now the Boss wants to know what you intend to do about the Latin Tridentine Mass?” Phoenix Diabolicus sipped a Caesar’s cocktail, “He hates that Mass most of all.”

“Well I’ve recently instructed my bureaucrats to send out a survey to the bishops of the world asking them questions and their opinion of Summorum Pontificum which was Pope Benedict XVI’s July 2007 Apostolic Letter which said that priests could celebrate the Latin Mass without needing the permission of their usually obscurantist bishops,” Francis sipped a bottle of Corona beer whose label had been personally autographed by the Inca earth mother goddess Pachamama, “When we get the survey back, all those surveys where the diocesan bishops answered they disapproved of Summorum Pontificum will be forwarded to most of the world news media. Those surveys where the diocesan bishops answered they approve of Summorum Pontificum will be forwarded to most of the Vatican departments’ garbage bins.”

“I knew we could count on you, Jorge,” Phoenix Diabolicus lit himself a Cuban cigar.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 2nd
2020.

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Deserted Streets, Teilhard, Pachamama and Cthulhu’s Vicar

April 13, 2020 at 10:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Deserted Streets, Teilhard, Pachamama and Cthulhu’s Vicar

Walking the streets of London while most of the city’s human population was in home isolation and practicing social distancing was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

He stopped by the British Museum and visited the famous Library reading room.

He stopped to look at the busts of Charles Darwin and Karl Marx.

“You know it’s possible that this Covid-19 coronavirus might have a spiritual rather than a materialistic dimension to it,” Darwin’s bust spoke just before it crashed to the floor.

“Now you tell me,” Marx’s bust noted before it crashed to the floor.

Teilhard’s flaming disembodied head flew over narrowly missing making a lobster flambé out of Michelangelo.

Pachamama the Inca earth mother goddess wearing a red dress and drinking a golden goblet of what appeared to be crimson red wine sat on a flying globe of the world as it flew overhead.

. . .

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal was speaking to Pope Francis.

“This lockdown plays an immense advantage to you, your Cthulhuness,” Allatallahbel pointed out.

“How so?” Francis asked.

“Well, there has been increasing talk among some Cardinals and bishops about convening a Church council and having you deposed as Pope,” the Vampiress Priestess noted.

“Why would they want to depose me as Pope?” Francis looked up from the yet to be papal imprimatured unpublished manuscript by Walter Cardinal Kasper entitled How To Deny 2000 Years of Catholic Christian Doctrine Without Appearing A Manifest Heretic and Apostate In Public.

“They’re starting to take note of Saint Robert Bellarmine the Universal Doctor of the Church’s argument that should a Pope fall into manifest heresy and apostasy, he has by definition ceased to be Catholic and has therefore ceased to be Pope,” Allatallahbel replied.

“But this Saint Robert Bellarmine fellow is dead and worse yet he probably didn’t die from the Coronavirus,” Francis pointed out, “so how does his argument apply to me?”.

“There are some, although I’m pleased to say very few in the clergy, who might appeal to Bellarmine and participate in a Church Council seeking to depose you before you have your chance to sign the Concordat With The Communist Fourth International, the Church of Satan and the Temple of Baphomet,” Allatallahbel drank eye spurted horned lizard blood out of a human skull.

“And you’re saying the Coronavirus will help prevent the calling of this Church council to depose me?” Francis sneezed into his sleeve.

“Exactly since everybody in the world must now practice social distancing and home isolation because the global elitists tell us so,” Allatallahbel put silver mascara on her eyelashes, “they won’t be able to meet in person to call a Council to depose you. And if they try to do it via video conferencing, your friends Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and Xi Jinping could easily hack the conference and push the result your way.”

“This Coronavirus seems to have a positive side to it,” Francis coughed into his Venus Fly Trap plant that had been given him as a gift by U-2’s Bono.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th 
2020.

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Michelangelo Sees Bishop Barron’s Destination

December 19, 2019 at 11:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo Sees Bishop Barron’s Destination

Amadeus Emanon was reading a newspaper story about how writer J.K. Rowling was defending a woman who had lost her employment tribunal hearing.

The Harry Potter author tweeted in support of Maya Forstater, 45, who was fired from her job at the poverty think tank The Centre For Global Development over a series of tweets she wrote questioning government plans to allow people to self-identify as another gender besides male and female.

Maya Forstater appealed her dismissal to the Central London Employment Tribunal.

And the Central London Employment Tribunal (which the ghost of Josef Stalin down in Tartarus admitted was a bureaucratic reincarnation of one of his old Stalinist Soviet tribunals) upheld Maya Forstater’s dismissal.

Ms. Rowling said she stood with Maya against the tribunal’s crushing of her freedom of opinion.

One snivelling politically correct crybaby in the article who opposed Ms. Rowling’s support (no doubt a disciple of Voldemort in the real world) said, “Nobody is suggesting she shouldn’t be allowed her opinion. But it’s dangerous language that harms people. She should be held accountable for it.”

Amadeus read the quote to his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield commented, “I can just imagine the high-pitched whiny lisp with which that statement is uttered. By another gender confused person. No doubt this fellow who writes down ? next to the gender box on forms they fill out is some politically correct liberal asshole. And of course a politically correct liberal asshole is someone who says, “Everyone has the right to my own opinion.” And if you don’t happen to share the same opinion as the aforesaid politically correct liberal asshole, they’ll come after you with the full force of the state and the bureaucracy in the most Stalinesque terms imaginable. Accusing you of promoting hatred. And they define “hatred” as anything that disagrees with their own opinion.”

“So a Neo-Stalinism is on the rise in the governments, bureaucracies, media and corporations of the Western world?” Amadeus asked.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “It’s called Political Correctness. And most politically correct liberal assholes are either too stupid or too dishonest to realize that they don’t truly believe in freedom of speech and freedom of opinion. Their thinking always is, “Oh yes, I believe in freedom of speech and freedom of opinion BUT….”

. . .

Michelangeo the Psychic Lobster in his aquarium at Set Enterprises suddenly had a vision of the future.

A momentary glimpse of part of Judgement Day when Jesus Christ Lord of the Cosmos sat on the Throne of Judgement.

Bishop Robert Barron was being cast into the “outer darkness where there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Oh well, Michelangelo thought to himself, Bishop Barron now personally knows the answer to that question he’s always posing, “Dare we hope that all men are saved?”.

It turned out Pope Francis personally found out the answer to that question as well.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2019.

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Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

October 6, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a visitor in his aquarium room at Set Enterprises today.

The visitor was Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for the Times of London.

Belvedere, in his days as a mortal, before he had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a gypsy enchantress, had lived in the days of the American Wild West and was therefore regaling the lobster with tales of his adventures (somewhat highly embellished of course!).

Belvedere was then called away by his editor to attend a late night session of the House of Lords who were debating if there would be enough sausages available to make full English breakfasts should a no-deal Brexit happen.

When Belvedere left, Michelangelo fell asleep and dreamed that he was living in the days of the Wild West.

The place was Dodge City
The times were not pretty 
Willy Malone and The Bronson Boys
had fired their guns certainly not toys
They were the gang that called the shots 
And gave their horses the best parking spots 

No one could stop their reign of terror 
thinking that one could was a total error
You’d find yourself plugged full of lead
and resting ‘neath tombstones with the rest of the dead

It was on a hot and dusty day 
that a lobster wandered this way
He went up to the bar and ordered a beer 
using chalk and a chalkboard to make himself clear
For the crustacean was the strong silent type 
and his body odour was not overly ripe

Willy Malone and the Bronson Boys came strolling through the door
Got the shock of their life seeing a lobster on the floor 
Said Malone as he saw the lobster drinking his beer 
and finding the whole thing very queer
This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
So I say unto you, Hit the road, Gus

The lobster wrote on the chalkboard
with all the pizzaz of a High British Lord
My name is Michelangelo and I shall not leave
So stick that up your nose and wipe your sleeve

Malone was beside himself 
As he knocked beer bottles off the shelf
Step out into the street for a show down
And when you’re dead you’ll leave town 
I’m challenging you to a gun fight 
Bullets blazing will be your last sight

Michelangelo accepted the challenge to a draw 
And was out on the street with gun in claw 
The town’s privy clerk counted to three 
And the lobster shot old Malone in the knee
He did the same with the Bronson Boys
who keeled over in the street making lots of noise 

For Michelangelo was the fastest claw in the West
And the Malone-Bronson gang wasn’t up for the test 

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Sunday October 6th
2019.


One of the witnesses to the gunfight between Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster and the Malone-Bronson Gang

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Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

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Michelangelo and Plaisir D’amour

July 19, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo and Plaisir D’amour 

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was contentedly sitting in a very large wading pool of salt water on the living room floor of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal west end London mansion.

He had been brought to the mansion for the weekend so he could enjoy a little time away from his aquarium at Set Enterprises Laboratories.

On a nearby sofa sat Amadeus Emanon (who was the vampire Set’s personal concert pianist) and Amadeus’ girlfriend the New Orleans vampiress, songstress and stage actress Angelique Dumont.

Athelstan the valet and butler to Set was dropping some food into Michelangelo’s salt water wading pool.

“What do lobsters eat?” Angelique asked Athelstan.

“Well in Michelangelo’s case,” Athelstan answered, “everything but lobster.”

“A bit like Amadeus then,” Angelique smiled, “although in Amadeus’ case, he does eat lobster.”

Michelangelo gave Amadeus a nasty glare with his right lobster eye from the corner of the salt water wading pool.

When Michelangelo had finished eating, he happily went back to typing on his waterproof Toshiba laptop (a rare item that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had picked up for him in the city of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada) with his lobster claws.

The lobster was busy communicating with the Polynesian beauty who was known as Plaisir D’amour.

Every so often (quite often in fact!), Michelangelo would make a huge splash that would douse Amadeus, Angelique and the nearby sofa.

“Where’s Renfield?” Angelique asked as she raised her umbrella above her head.

“He’s at Whitehall,” Amadeus answered, “attending a meeting of the government’s Cobra emergency committee on which he sits. I imagine he’s been getting into several heated arguments with Foreign Secretary and possible future Prime Minister Jeremy Hunt.”

“Would that be over the Iranian Islamic Revolutionary Guard’s seizure of the British oil tanker Stena Impero earlier today?” Angelique inquired.

“It would,” Amadeus answered, “Renfield never really approved of the British Royal Marines’ seizure of the Iranian oil tanker Grace-1 down at Gibraltar a couple of weeks ago. He wondered why Britain should try to enforce EU sanctions against exporting oil to Syria when Britain will shortly be leaving the EU. It just didn’t make sense to Renfield.”

“It doesn’t make much sense to me either,” Angelique remarked as she and Amadeus and the sofa were hit by another tidal wave from Michelangelo’s salt water wading pool.

“Renfield also found out that the Iranian government yesterday agreed to Trump’s demands for more intense inspections of Iranian nuclear facilities in exchange for economic sanctions being lifted,” Amadeus stated, “but when confronted by this way to break the impasse, the war hawks in the Trump Administration immediately slapped Iran with a bunch more demands like no uranium enhancement whatsoever (which would drastically affect Iran’s electricity system that uses nuclear powered plants to produce electricity) and Iran must get out of both Syria and Yemen.”

“Wow,” Angelique remarked as she was doused with yet another of Michelangelo’s Poseidon adventures, “Trump said he was just concerned about Iran developing nuclear weapons.”

“Well like everything else that comes out of Trump’s mouth,” Amadeus bit into a baloney sandwich, “it was a total lie.”

“What does Renfield think?” Angelique inquired.

“That Trump under orders from his Israeli dominatrix Benjamin Netanyahu,” Amadeus ate a non-kosher dill pickle, “wants nothing less than total war against Iran.”

“And Renfield feels that the United Kingdom is going to be dragged into this war against Iran?” Angelique queried.

“That is the case,” Amadeus started to eat some leftover haggis from the night before.

Renfield came crashing through the front door at that moment slamming the door behind him as he entered.

“I take it things are not going well?” Amadeus asked.

“No,” Renfield stood in the center of the living room where he was hit by a tidal wave from Michelangelo.

The MP whirled around and asked, “What is Michelangelo doing?”.

“He’s spent the day on his laptop communicating with the Polynesian beauty they call Plaisir D’amour,” Amadeus answered.

Renfield looked at the image of the woman that Michelangelo was video conferencing with:

“I wish I had spent the day doing the same,” Renfield remarked wistfully.

“Who left the faucets running?” The vampire Set asked as he walked through the door.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday July 19th
2019.

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