Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

December 15, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Blogroll, Celebrities, Children's Story, Christmas, Comedy, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

Amadeus Emanon had been invited to sing an original song for the Christmas concert at Saint Genevieve’s Church which he attended.

“Do you know what he’s going to sing?” Angelique Dumont asked Amadeus’ friend Renfield R. Renfield as they sat in the pews.

“No, I don’t,” Renfield replied.

Amadeus began his introduction to the song, “When I’ve been out walking in my neighbourhood in the evening for the past couple of weeks to look at the Christmas lights, one of the houses I’ve noticed has a sparkling Frosty the Snowman lit up with some sparkling snow flakes. Next to Frosty is a teddy bear that’s carrying a large nicely wrapped Christmas present. It too is lit up. So I’ve written a song about Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear.”

Amadeus began his song,

“Frosty Snowman, Frosty Snowman,
he is cooler than a ceiling fan,
he’s made of snow
from head to toe 
and his carrot nose 
has that certain glow.

With buttons for eyes
that hypnotize 
his charcoal mouth has never tasted fries 
He wears a scarf and several school ties 
He smokes a pipe under moonlit skies.

As for Teddy, he’s always ready 
to help you bear the unbearable 
And though you think his Christmas sweater is unwearable 
He wears it just the same
His excuse may be lame
And his pic won’t adorn a frame 
But being unique is his game.

He holds a gift nicely wrapped
He looks so fresh having recently napped 
He waves hello
With places to go
He’ll wave good-bye
But please don’t cry 
He will be back 
carrying Santa’s sack.

Frosty Snowman, Teddy Bear
As you see, they’ve got real flair 
Come Christmas Eve, you’ll see they care
And please hang your stockings by the chimney somewhere
And please don’t mock Santa’s extra large suit he’ll wear
For he ate too much Mrs. Claus’ cookies on a dare.

-A song, poem and vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday December 15th
2019.

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Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

December 4, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a lounge in a London hotel and discussing the day’s NATO Summit events with his friends Mei-ling Manchu, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“So I see Donald Trump, while he was in a press conference meeting with Angela Merkel this morning,” Amadeus bit into his nut spread and sauerkraut sandwich, “said that Justin Trudeau was “two-faced”. What do you think of that description of the Canadian Prime Minister?”.

“Well, I suppose, since Justin Trudeau occasionally wears blackface,” Renfield answered, “Being “two-faced” might be an accurate description.”

“Doesn’t he also wear brown face and a turban when he’s pretending to be Aladdin’s genie?” Angelique Dumont inquired.

“And a green face when he’s pretending to be a Martian to impress giggling teen-aged pot smoking desert cactus girls?” Mei-ling Manchu added.

“I think Trump was angry because Justin Trudeau made fun of him in what the Canadian Prime Minister thought was a private conversation between himself, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron and the Dutch Prime Minister at last night’s NATO banquet reception hosted by Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t he?” Amadeus downed his Earl Grey tea.

“Could be,” Renfield nodded, “although Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger reports that a man wearing blackface and a turban was seen walking on the terrace outside Melania Trump’s bedroom last night. And Harvey said Melania this morning left her room smiling like the Mona Lisa.”

“Like a moth to a flame eh?” Mei-ling quipped in reference to the U.S. First Lady’s fashion faux-pas at the Buckingham Palace reception last night.

“Speaking of flames, is the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever going to be returned to Justin Trudeau?” Amadeus asked.

“Apparently not,” Renfield shook his head, “Set Enterprises is still worried about the threat posed to Strawberry Fields Forever’s life by Xi Jinping’s death edict written in medieval Imperial Mandaran – a scroll that Sydney Australia based billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was able to translate. And security on the Trudeau estate in Ottawa is pretty lax seeing as how it’s overseen by Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot-smoking sheriff of the mystical hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom. Therefore Set Enterprises is moving Strawberry Fields Forever to the safety of a jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. They don’t think that PRC Ministry of State Security operatives will want to freeze their asses off on an assassination mission in Spitsbergen.”

“From what I know of PRC Ministry of State Security operatives, that assessment is probably correct,” Mei-ling Manchu nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 4th
2019.

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Ukrainian Easter Eggs At The Bottom of The Rabbit Hole

October 3, 2019 at 10:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Ukrainian Easter Eggs At The Bottom of The Rabbit Hole

Angelique Dumont was watching television as she sat in the cafe.

The cafe TV showed Donald Trump making a video conferencing call with a U.S. scientific expedition down in the Antarctic.

Donald Trump was talking to a group of penguins that the scientists were filming.

Trump told the penguins, “I sincerely hope that you will ask the government of Antarctica to investigate the activities of Joe Biden and his son Hunter.”

Angelique’s boyfriend Amadeus Emanon soon joined her at her table.

“First Trump has asked Ukraine and earlier today China and now the Antarctic to investigate the activities of Joe and Hunter Biden,” Angelique remarked to Amadeus.

“That seems to be one all encompassing rabbit hole,” Amadeus reached for a carrot from the vegetable appetizer plate for two.

“Of which Ukraine seems to be a part,” Angelique ate her perogies and sour cream, “Have you ever been to Ukraine?”.

“Once,” Amadeus nodded, “Back in 2015 when Renfield was still Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises, the Boss (Amadeus was referring to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) sent Renfield to Kiev to meet a Ukrainian billionaire oligarch Ihor Kolomoyskyi to work out a possible business deal between Koloymoyskyi and Set Enterprises. The deal didn’t work out but I got to spend a few days in Kiev.”

. . .

Back in 2015, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was giving Renfield and Amadeus a heads up on their meeting with Ukrainian billionaire oligarch Ihor Kolomoyskyi.

“This Kolomoyskyi is an interesting character,” Set began, “It’s against Ukrainian law for Ukrainian citizens to hold dual citizenship with another country so Koloymoyskyi gets around it by holding citizenship in 3 countries- Ukraine, Israel and Cyprus.”

“I take it that it’s not against the law for Ukrainian citizens to be citizens of 3 countries,” Amadeus munched on his bucket of hot buttered popcorn.

“Brilliant deduction, Amadeus,” Set answered in somewhat agitated fashion.

“Anything else we should know about this Ihor Koloymoyskyi?” Renfield asked.

“He likes to intimidate people when they first come to his office,” Set helped himself to a live crocodile from a nearby aquarium and ate it, “his office adjoins a shark tank with clear glass windows so that you can see the sharks when you enter his office. As soon as you’re invited to sit down, Mr. Koloymoyskyi will push a button on his desk and a spray of shrimp will shoot up in the aquarium which the sharks will promptly eat leaving patches of blood in the water.”

“He sounds like a villain in a James Bond film,” Amadeus turned pale.

“He does,” Set admitted.

“Well, thanks for giving us the heads up, Boss,” Renfield ate his shark fin’s soup and shrimp salad.

. . .

In his office adjacent to the shark tank which had a motorcycle and a black leather jacket (which had the words THE FONZ written on it) lying on the ocean like sand and rocks and sea weed at the bottom of the tank, Ihor Koloymoyskyi invited Renfield and Amadeus to sit down.

Once Renfield and Amadeus had sat down, then Koloymoyskyi (grinning like the Cheshire Cat about to eat the canary) pushed the button on his desk.

A spray of shrimp shot up into the aquarium and the sharks promptly ate the shrimps leaving patches of blood in the water.

As Amadeus sat looking petrified, Renfield calmly lit himself a cigar as all this was going on and started blowing smoke rings in the shape of the figures of Sir Winston Churchill and the British Lion.

When the sharks had finished eating the shrimps, Renfield removed a laser pointer pen from his pocket and pointed the laser point at the sharks.

This was no ordinary laser point for the laser beam immediately started dissecting the sharks and cutting them up.

When Renfield had finished, he helped himself uninvited to the bottle of Douro Valley Portuguese Port wine that Koloymoyskyi had on his desk and poured himself a glass.

“So,” Renfield lit himself another cigar, “let’s get down to business shall we?”.

“I paid $5 million each for each one of those sharks,” cried a thunder struck Koloymoyskyi.

“Boy, were you ever taken for a ride,” Renfield blew a smoke ring shaped like the Batmobile.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 3rd 
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Mohammed Morsi and Julian Assange

June 18, 2019 at 9:01 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Mohammed Morsi and Julian Assange

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont on the roof of Angelique Dumont’s apartment building.

“So,” Miss Dumont opened up the lunch basket, “I hear former Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi collapsed and died in an Egyptian courtroom yesterday after giving a five minute statement to the court.”

“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher has been trying to get Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his visionary powers to determine what happened that caused Morsi’s death but the visions keep being blocked by the spirit of the Egyptian god Horus.”

“Isn’t that the god whose eyeball appears as the capstone above the pyramid in the Novus Ordo Seclorum spot on the American dollar bill?” Amadeus asked as he ate a pickle and an olive and a devilled egg.

“It is,” Renfield nodded, “the same god who buried your employer Set alive in a tomb millennia ago.”

“But didn’t Set cut up Horus’ father Osiris into 14 pieces on one occasion?” Amadeus went for the cole slaw and chop suey.

“He did,” Renfield admitted, “Those old Egyptian family feuds make today’s soap operas look like child’s play by comparison.”

“It doesn’t sound like Morsi was treated very well in prison by the Egyptian government,” Angelique Dumont ate a fried scorpion.

“He wasn’t,” Renfield put some caviar on a cracker, “I didn’t like Morsi myself. After all anyone who gets the admiration of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, there’s obviously something seriously wrong with that person. But still to keep someone in isolation and solitary confinement 23 hours a day and to deny them access to their doctors and lawyers and friends and family is clearly a human rights violation.”

“Isn’t that what the British government is currently doing to Julian Assange?” Angelique Dumont asked a pointed question.

“It is,” Renfield had to admit.

“Well, you’re a member of the House of Commons,” Angelique ate a roast pork sandwich, “why don’t you do something about it?”.

“I’ve tried,” Renfield answered, “but I find myself up against those same dark forces in the British deep state apparatus that Her Majesty the Queen warned the late Princess Diana’s butler and valet about.”

“Well, you can shapeshift into a hamster, can’t you?” Amadeus was now enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, “couldn’t you shapeshift into a hamster and enter Assange’s prison cell and find out what’s happening?”.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had given Renfield the genetic ability to shapeshift into a hamster back in the early 2000s.

“I’ve tried doing that,” Renfield replied, “but there’s some dark magic forces at work within the vicinity of Assange’s prison. I’m unable to enter it in shapeshifted hamster form. And I don’t have the high level security clearance to do it in human form.”

“What dark magic forces are at work around Assange’s prison?” Amadeus queried.

“Michelangelo has indicated through typing with his lobster claws on his waterproof iPad that it was a powerful spell cast by the powerful demons Baal and Baphomet,” Renfield started munching on a tuna fish sandwich.

“Why do the demons Baal and Baphomet have it in for Julian Assange?” Amadeus opened a tin of sardines.

“I can answer that, Amadeus,” Angelique smiled, “Baal and Baphomet backed Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. And Assange released Hillary’s emails on Wikileaks in 2016 helping to damage her campaign.”

“What demons backed Donald Trump for President?” Amadeus ate a banana.

“That would be Mammon and Mephistopheles,” Angelique answered.

“So Mammon and Mephistopheles won?” Amadeus noticed no more food left in the picnic basket.

“With a little help of collusion from a genie in a Russian vodka bottle according to the snivelling of Baal and Baphomet,” Renfield opened a bottle of bourbon.

The New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont wearing Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Protective Sunblock For Vampiresses enjoying the sunshine on her London apartment building rooftop.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 18th
2019.

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Theresa May Announces Her Resignation On Queen Victoria’s 200th Birthday

May 24, 2019 at 8:43 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The date was May 24th 2019.

It was Queen Victoria’s 200th birthday.

And British Prime Minister Theresa May stood in front of 10 Downing Street in London and announced that she would be resigning as British Conservative Party leader effective June 7th 2019.

From then on, she would carry on as a caretaker Prime Minister until the British Conservative Party elected a new leader in July.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield met in a pub not far from the Westminster Parliament with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont to discuss the resignation.

“I didn’t think she’d announce her resignation until next month,” Amadeus commented as he worked on his 3rd plate of the pub’s steak and kidney pie.

“Neither did I,” Renfield sipped his pint of brown ale, “I’ve been told that the Prime Minister decided to resign after apparently looking at an oil painting of an 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean that former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson had given her as a gift.”

“That must have been one Hell of a picture,” Angelique remarked.

“It must have been,” Renfield admitted.

“So, who do you think will replace her?” Amadeus asked as he ordered a 4th piece of steak and kidney pie.

“Well, the London bookmakers seemed to favour Boris Johnson,” Renfield ate his rice pudding, “and the fact that the pro-globalist and pro-New World Order The Economist Magazine came out against Boris Johnson as Prime Minister is another plus in his favour. For what’s bad for The Economist is good for Britain. And what’s bad for Britain is good for The Economist.”

“I’ve noticed that The Economist has never had anything positive to say about you,” Amadeus ordered himself another Shirley Temple children’s cocktail.

“Which is why I rest my case on the matter,” Renfield washed down the last of his brown ale.

Meanwhile at 10 Downing Street, the residence’s staff were putting up a painting of Captain Kerry Donegal in the main hall.

A temporary location until Mrs. May moved out of 10 Downing Street.

“It’s like staring into a mirror,” the ghost of the pirate Captain Kerry Donegal remarked as he looked at the painting.

“Good God!” Mrs. May exclaimed as she walked down the hall.

It turned out that unbeknownst to herself until now, the Prime Minister had the psychic ability to see ghosts of pirates.

Mrs. May went weak at the knees and fainted.

As she lay on the floor she dreamed of a Harlequin historical romance novel book cover in which she appeared held in the arms of a pirate with an open shirt and a muscular hairless chest.

“That’s the first time I’ve seen Mrs. May look happy all day,” 10 Downing Street’s head butler remarked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 24th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Day of Fires

April 20, 2019 at 8:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a Saturday night dinner with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

Renfield mentioned, “So, I just found out last night that there was a fire at the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem at the exact same time as the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.”

“I didn’t know that,” Amadeus stopped in the middle of eating his salmon.

“It received almost no news coverage in the world on that day other than in the Middle East,” Renfield explained.

“What a strange coincidence that was,” Angelique reflected, “that two major centers of worship- Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa in Jerusalem would both have fires that same day.”

“Was Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s escaped basilisk responsible for the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque as well as that at Notre Dame?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, Dr. Rocher had implanted a GPS signal in the basilisk’s DNA so he’d know its location- technology which both the Chinese government and the U.S. government are currently fighting to develop so they can be the first to implement the Mark of the Beast system that no human being will be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast in their DNA,” Renfield mentioned, “the GPS in Basilisk Wrathsbone’s DNA was picked up by sensors in the lobster claws of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster. Apparently the basilisk was nowhere near the al-Aqsa mosque at the time the fire started like it was at the exact location of Notre Dame when that fire started.”

“So I wonder who started the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque?” Angelique pondered aloud.

. . .

The commander of the Vampiric Knights-Templar Sir Boyle of Olay was speaking to Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

“Our efforts to burn down the al-Aqsa mosque this past Monday were sadly put to nought,” Sir Boyle of Olay commented, “the fire was finally brought under control. So we will have to wait a wee bit longer for the Temple of Solomon to be rebuilt. Even though most of Israel’s leading kabbalistic rabbis are sick of waiting.”

“It will take a while longer then for the god Baal to get his statue back up on the Temple Mount like it was when Solomon succumbed to the foreign influences of some of his 700 wives and 300 concubines and started erecting statues of his wives’ and concubines’ deities in the Temple,” Allatallahbell looked unhappy.

“We should never have brought the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow along on our mission,” Sir Boyle of Olay sighed, “He went and lost his head again. And as a result picked up bottles of coconut milk instead of cannisters of gasoline down at the Old City market. So we didn’t have enough fuel to start a real raging inferno.”

. . .

Today’s date.

Holy Saturday.

The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau lit a cigarette.

April 20th.

Der Fuhrer’s birthday.

It had been a Holy Saturday as well – April 20th- in the year 1889- when Der Fuhrer had been born.

Now exactly 130 years later- Der Fuhrer’s birthday – was a Holy Saturday again.

Fires at Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem earlier in the week- both on the same day of Holy Week.

This was surely a sign from the Cosmos that there was something providential about this particular Holy Saturday as well.

Kohler’s cigarette went out.

He lit it again as the voice of a wolf howled on one hill.

And the voice of a jackal howled on the other.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 20th
2019.


Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal:
Waiting in time for the rebuilt Temple of Solomon

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Renfield Calls On All EU Countries To Leave The European Union and Save The Internet

April 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been so busy with the debate over Brexit and plotting to overthrow the governments of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan that he had not been informed of Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would destroy the worldwide Internet as we know it and stifle freedom of speech, freedom of expression and artistic creativity leaving the Internet as a place where only those who buy and sell would be able to access the Worldwide Web.

“This is exactly the Mark of The Beast system of The Book of The Apocalypse or Revelation Chapter 13,” said Renfield who had attended Church for Mothering Sunday yesterday.

The Church’s regular Anglo-Catholic Vicar had been called away to Rome to help perform an exorcism on a Vatican Cardinal who was demonically possessed (the Cardinal was considered one of the frontrunners to become the next Pope after Francis).

The guest celebrant and preacher was a Calvinistic Reformed Anglican minister who ignored the readings for the day in the Book of Common Prayer and proceeded to use the occasion of Mothering Sunday to preach on the Mother of Harlots Mystery Babylon as found in Revelation Chapter 17 and the Mark of The Beast system as found in Revelation Chapter 13.

When Renfield found out about the EU regulations Articles 11, 13 and 17, he hit the roof.

As a group of workmen were brought in to repair the roof, they had to work their way around a group of environmentalists who had taken their clothes off in the Public Gallery of the British House of Commons and were currently mooning MPs over what they considered parliamentary inaction on earth’s climate change.

The gallery was cleared after a guest otter from DARPA was brought in who showed that otter flatulence could be as deadly to the environment as that of bovine creatures.

As MPs put on their gas masks and proceeded to vote on 4 different Plan Bs for Brexit, Renfield left the Commons to address the world media on Articles 11, 13 and 17 of EU regulations that would draconianly regulate the Internet.

Renfield spoke next to the statue of Sir Winston Churchill on the Thames River.

Said Renfield solemnly as he addressed the cameras and microphones, “I call upon all countries of the EU to immediately leave the European Union. Not only will this save Britain further embarrassment in giving the world the idea that the British have no idea what to do when it comes to Brexit, this action will also save the Internet as we know it.
As we know a bunch of assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels want to turn the Information Superhighway (as self-proclaimed Internet inventor Al Gore called it) into a massive traffic jam with toll booths every 6 centimeters on the road. It’s high time we give these interfering busybodies in Brussels (whom Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1990s labelled the heirs and apostolic successors to the old Politbureau in the old USSR) the raspberry they so richly deserve. Such an action will finally wipe the eggs benedict and eggs Florentine off Theresa May’s face, close a possible Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas “open backdoor” on the Ulster-Republic of Eire border and save the Internet and all its memes. After all, if there are no memes left, U.S. Democrats will have nothing to blame when they lose the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. They won’t have the Russians to kick around anymore for 4 more years of Donald Trump and his aesthetically challenged hairpiece.”

Renfield bowed to the media and then went over to talk to his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Well, how was I?” Renfield asked as he adjusted his Larry King autographed bowtie.

“It was a good speech,” Angelique replied, “but are you sure, people will take you seriously?”.

“Why wouldn’t they take me seriously?” Renfield stopped trying to tie his bowtie, “I was being perfectly serious.”

“Do you know what date this is?” Angelique asked.

“The date?” Renfield looked perplexed.

Amadeus showed him the date on his smartphone- April 1st.

“April 1st?” Renfield suddenly hit his forehead, “Oh shit. April Fools’ Day. People will think I was joking when I called on all EU countries to leave the European Union.”

“And to think they could have left the EU and signed a free trade pact with the 3 Mexican countries that Fox News said Donald Trump was going to cut off aid to,” Angelique sighed.

“One should always start the day by looking at the date on the calendar,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill advised, “that way there are no misunderstandings and you don’t miss any appointments. When I was alive, I occasionally missed appointments with my dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes. Which meant my poor buttocks had to pay double, sometimes triple and sometimes quadruple the next time to make up for it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 1st
2019.


Dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes advises to always check the date on your calendar.

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Renfield Muses On The Mueller Report

March 25, 2019 at 10:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had left the House of Commons while fisticuffs and wrestling matches over Brexit were still going on.

British Prime Minister Theresa May had former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson in a headlock and British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was having his balls crushed by members of the Democratic Ulster Party.

Renfield joined his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont for dinner in a nearby restaurant.

As Renfield and Angelique already had both dessert and then coffee while Amadeus was now working on his 33rd plate of the All You Can Eat Fish and Chips Special, the chef and the owner were both down on their knees saying their Hail Marys that the concert pianist’s ravenous appetite would soon come to an end.

“So,” Amadeus sipped on his iced tea, “what’s your reaction to the Mueller Report?”.

“Well, it should come as no surprise to intelligent people that there was no collusion between the Russians and the Trump campaign,” Renfield slowly worked on his third post-dinner and dessert cup of coffee, “as intelligent people realize that Vladimir Putin is too intelligent a man to have his intelligence agencies co-operate and work with a disaster in the making like Donald Trump. That fact was of course totally lost on the New York Times, The Washington Post and most Congressional Democrats. But then of course it would be.”

“I noticed the Mueller Report did not give a definite statement one way or the other on whether Donald Trump obstructed justice,” Angelique noted.

“No, I suppose a legal opinion will have to be formulated on whether or not being an idiot constitutes obstruction of justice,” Renfield leaned back in his seat, “The question did not have to be addressed previously in American history because no one like Donald Trump had ever occupied the White House before.”

“What does this portend for the future?” Amadeus asked as he was trying to decide between eating his piece of halibut or his piece of cod next.

“Well, it does bode well for Trump,” Renfield said, “given the New York Times and Washington Post track record. Both papers said there was no way Trump would win the 2016 election. When he did, both papers’ editorial boards tried to explain away their colossal error in judgment by blaming Trump’s victory on the Russians. Now that Mueller has shot a hole in that theory leaving both The Times and The Post with egg on their faces (causing vegan subscribers to both papers to cancel their subscriptions over the outrageous use of poultry byproducts), they will no doubt continue to insist that there’s no way Trump can win re-election. Which should be good news for Trump.”

“What will this mean for the world stage?” Angelique asked.

“Well, the Nicolas Maduro regime in Venezuela can probably breathe a sigh of relief,” Renfield answered, “as there probably won’t be any U.S. military intervention in Venezuela in the near future. Which would have been the case had Mueller found any criminal wrongdoing on Trump’s part. Trump would then have done what any U.S. President had done in the past when faced with a major political scandal at home and that is to start a war abroad in order to divert the electorate’s attention and get people to rally around the flag and rally around the President as the bearer of the flag. Venezuela being the closest place to intervene would have been Trump’s first choice. An added benefit as well since the body bags wouldn’t have so far to fly home.”

“So does this mean peace on the world stage?” Amadeus waved to the waiter to order another plate of fish and chips.

“Sadly no,” Renfield shook his head, “The situation in the Middle East could blow sky high at any moment. There was already a Hamas rocket attack on a suburb of Tel Aviv overnight. And the Israeli Air Force are currently bombing Gaza in retaliation. Syria, Iran and Russia may decide to do something about the Golan Heights situation in response to Trump recognizing Israeli sovereignty over the area. There are all sorts of fuses that could go off over there.”


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec during a raging sea storm on the Isle of Patmos (site of the Apostle Saint John’s vision of the Apocalypse)

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 25th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Despot Erdogan

March 20, 2019 at 8:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was March 20th 2019.

The spring equinox in the northern hemisphere had arrived.

And it was the evening of the Super Worm Moon.

And the Byzantine vampiress Theodora had put something in Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Turkish coffee that would give the Islamist despot and would-be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire an extremely bad case of ring worm and tape worms the next morning.

Meanwhile in London, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was discussing Erdogan’s latest actions with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“Erdogan is trying to show the world that he’s the Donald Trump of Turkey,” Renfield commented, “while Facebook and Instagram have been removing all traces of the Australian white supremacist terrorist’s footage of the Christchurch mosque mass shootings, the asshole Erdogan has been showing the footage at at least eight election rallies to whip up anti-western sentiment in Turkey and help his Islamist party win local elections.”

“Will it work?” Amadeus asked.

“Time will tell,” said Renfield, “the thing that some fanatical piece of garbage does on one side of the world (in this case New Zealand) always inspires some fanatical piece of sewer filth on the other side of the world (in this case, Erdogan in Turkey) to take advantage of it.
Just like when some militant Islamist terrorist group commits an atrocity, Trump will shoot off some idiotic tweet about “we need to build a wall.” #HittingMyHeadConstantlyAgainstABrick.”

Angelique Dumont commented, “I noticed at a rally commemorating the 1915 defeat of British, Australian and New Zealander forces by Ottoman troops at Gallipoli that was held this week in Turkey, Erdogan commented, “Your grandparents came here and returned in coffins. Have no doubt we will send you back like your grandfathers” in a direct address to the people of Australia and New Zealand which shocked both the Australian and New Zealand governments.”

“I see no one has bothered to point out to the bozo that while the Ottoman Empire won at Gallipoli, they went on to lose the First World War,” Renfield commented as he ate his roast turkey sandwich.

“Despots only celebrate their victories, never their defeats,” Angelique noted.

“That’s very true,” Renfield nodded.

“So who’s going to stop Erdogan from rebuilding the Ottoman Empire?” Amadeus asked.

The ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sitting at the next table contemplated that question.

After all, he was the one who had planned the attack on Gallipoli.

Something which definitely turned out to be NOT his finest hour.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 20th
2019.


The Byzantine vampiress Theodora put tape worm and ring worm in Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s coffee to mark the evening of the Super Worm Moon.


The Super Worm Moon arises over Lilith’s pyramid at Astana Kazakhstan.

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Drum Playing and Raising Evil Spirits

February 26, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“So,” Renfield addressed his dinner companions Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont, “I see the fruity Canadian priest Father Thomas Rosica has resigned from the board of St. Michael’s University College in Toronto for committing plagiarism.”

“Good thing you’re not committing plagiarism,” Miss Dumont pointed to his t- shirt that said, RENFIELD R.RENFIELD MP: Putting The Great Back In Great Britain.

“It is indeed,” Renfield nodded, “if I wore something that said Make Britain Great Again, a group of Druids might surround me and start playing their drums to send evil spirits against me.”

“I really don’t understand that last statement,” Amadeus commented as he sat trying to read Ovid’s Metamorphoses in the original Latin as he ate his 24″ inch Tuscan Pizza Special.

“Well when that demon-possessed native Omaha elder Nathan Phillips who said he fought in Vietnam (when he didn’t) met those Covington Catholic High School students who wore those Make America Great Again caps on their heads at a protest in Washington DC, he started playing his drum quite vigourously. Most palefaces in the U.S. and particularly those brainless palefaces who work at CNN, The Washington Post and The New York Times are unaware that within most native American traditions in the U.S. and Canada, the playing of ceremonial drums is done to invoke spirits. And those native Americans who are in the know like my good friend the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka say that the way Phillips was playing his drums, he was trying to invoke evil spirits against the boys. That however was totally lost on the U.S. media, the super perverts of the Hollywood establishment and numerous brainless U.S. Catholic bishops – those who would want to have their lips surgically attached to the buttocks of the demons Baal and Baphomet anyways.”

“Wow, that’s amazing,” Amadeus text messaged J.K. Rowling to ask her the meaning of certain Latin words, “That’s very interesting.”

“Princess Tanaka informs me that the demon possessed kraken Tutsokiua (Tutsokiua is the Blackfoot First Nations word for Devil) recently awakened from its Lovecraftian sleep of 5000 years at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake in Canada’s Waterton Lakes National Park and is now prowling the North American continental landscape,” Renfield admired a reproduction of an A.Y. Jackson painting of a buffalo (that the artist had painted from the rear end of an train) that hung on the restaurant wall.

“I wonder what roused Tutsokiua from his sleep,” Amadeus mused aloud as he watched a video of Pope Francis falling asleep during a Latin Tridentine Mass which he received from J.K. Rowling in response to one of his questions.

“I understand it was words spoken in Korean read aloud from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by Kim Jong-un broadcasting by radio to a North Korean ship sailing in the Caribbean Sea a few years back when things weren’t so rosy between North Korea and the U.S.that did it,” Renfield ate a Korean dumpling, “Kim was trying to raise a demon possessed Carribean kraken from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea to attack Florida to make scrambled green eggs and ham out of Donald Trump’s golf courses and put a major crimp into New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s sex life. But the transmission sound waves went northwards instead of downwards and floated in a northwesterly direction for quite a time period until they reached Upper Waterton Lake where they raised Tutsokiua.”

New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont was watching a developing BBC News story on the restaurant’s television about how a rare medieval Vietnamese language edition copy of The Necronomicon had just gone missing from a Hanoi bookshop prior to the start of the Donald Trump-Kim Jong-un Hanoi Summit.

Renfield looked at the TV and remarked, “Well that should make for an interesting summit. Perhaps Lovecraft’s great old one Cthulhu will show up.”

Renfield went outside where, while wearing his RENFIELD R.RENFIELD MP: Putting The Great Back In Great Britain t-shirt, he was surrounded by a group of Tibetan Buddhist monks (who came from a Tibetan Buddhist monastery that worshipped the demons of the Tibetan Buddhist religion) that started playing conch shell horns, flutes made of human thighbones and drums made out of two inverted human skull caps placed back to back.

“Help!” Renfield cried.

Fortunately the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka happened to be in the neighbourhood with her two wolf protectors:

The monks pursued by the wolves fled to a nearby movie theatre.

The theatre was showing a live broadcast of the Hindu god Shiva conducting the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra in playing his newly written piece Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

Meanwhile over in Hanoi, Kim Jong-un was trying to impress Donald Trump with his knowledge of medieval Vietnamese.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 26th
2019.

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