Wilkie The Cat Western

September 11, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, western) (, , , , , , , )

Announcer: The ghost of Orson Welles is now here to give you the introduction to the Wilkie the Cat western.

Welles (appears holding a spectral glass of red wine): Thank you Mr. Announcer. Wilkie the cat is a well known feline thespian and stage director best known for holding the record for the most number of plays
that closed after a perfomance of only one night on Broadway.
Now with the advent of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus which the Ethiopian Communist head of the World Health Organization the non-medical Doctor Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insists be called the Covid-19 virus, the lights are shut down all over Broadway and not just on Wilkie’s lights out plays.
Thus Wilkie with the love of his life Mitzie (a femme fatale Parisienne cat from Paris) has decided to go into filmmaking. And Wilkie is now making a Western where social distancing will be practiced.
The western now begins in the form of a poem:

Wilkie the Cat was out on the desert trail riding his horse
In a land where there was no Radio Shack or store called The Source
He came to a sign
posted on a cactus’ behind
that said Town Straight Ahead
He rode by a cowboy who looked to be dead
for his skull and his bones were all bleached white
and the fat vulture’s jeans seem to be fitting quite tight

Into the town Wilkie the Cat rode
And parked his horse alongside a fine looking toad
He decided to enter the saloon for a cold one
And entered looking like a son of a gun

The cat Dangerous Dan McGraw was up at the bar
Counting all his pennies from an old glass jar
Meanwhile on the saloon stage was Mitzie the star
singing about her home town of Paris a city quite far

Wilkie the Cat ordered a large glass of milk
And gazed at Mitzie’s legs in nylons of silk
Hey, Dangerous Dan shouted with a threatening glare
Stop looking at my girlfriend’s underwear

Mitzie turned and looked at the handsome catwhiskers stranger
And thought Wilkie must be one heck of a lost Texas ranger
She gave him a wink
which added to the stink
in Dangerous Dan’s countenance most foul
which seemed to be accentuated by the hooting of an owl

Step up in the street for a showdown
Dangerous Dan shouted with a huge downward frown
Wilkie said, I’ll be back after dealing with this clown

Into the street they went
With their holsters quite bent
And they stood face to face
After having walked many a pace

“Draw!” Cried the town crier
As he blew himself with a hair dryer
Pencil and sketch paper came out of opposing holsters
And each hand moved quickly like fast acting roller coasters

Dangerous Dan drew a stick man with a trash can
While Mitzie was on saloon steps fanning herself with a fan
Wilkie drew the Mona Lisa kicking Edvard Munch’s figure making him scream
While Dangerous Dan’s stick man came apart at the seam

My hero! Mitzie the Parisienne gave Wilkie the Cat a kiss
As Dangerous Dan retreated to an outhouse in search of bliss

Wlkie’s sketch was hung in the Wild West Saloon
The subject of an unrecorded Kenny Rogers tune
Wilkie The Cat and Mitzie rode off into the sunset
While the overweight vulture looked for new clothes to let.

-A Wilkie The Cat
narrative poem
written by Christopher
Friday September 11th

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Wilkie The Cat As Sherlock Holmes: A Poem

August 4, 2016 at 12:35 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Plays, Poetry) (, , )

It was opening night on Broadway
when neon lights replace the sun of day
a new play about Sherlock Holmes on stage
This play was all the rage
and Benedict Cumberbatch had come down with the flu
would his understudy Wilkie come through?

Wilkie put on his deerstalker cap
and decided he would not take a nap
Instead he entered with pipe and all
and stood on stage at the front of the hall

Dr. Watson appeared from stage right
He’d been drinking so slightly tight
“I say, Holmes,” Watson declared
as Wilkie Holmes stood and stared,
“what was the last level of school you finished?’.
‘Twas a question Wilkie did not skimmish,
“”Elementary, my dear Watson.”
An answer that hit the spot some.

Moriarty did then emerge
The prof. that was Sherlock’s scourge
“Holmes,your end has come,”
he held a match ‘twixt finger and thumb
“when I drop this, the dynamite will explode
and your body will turn to dust- a heavy load.”

Wilkie Holmes blew the match out,
“Not so fast you evil lout”
Wilkie hit the evil genius on the head with his umbrella
so that he was as unconscious as the next fella
who had fallen down the stairs
having tripped unawares
that Holmes spilled pipe ash at the top
and had neglected to use a mop

The play’s director sat and groaned
while the producer wept and moaned

Mitzi appeared as Irene Adler
in a dress that made the pages of The Tatler
“To me, she’ll always be the woman,” Wilkie Holmes remarked
while the dog who did nothing in the night sat and barked.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday, July 31st 2016

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