Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka In Moscow
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka dressed as a Gypsy woman in Moscow
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka was walking the streets of Moscow.
She was dressed as a Gypsy woman.
Although she was not an employee of the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit, she was a friend of both vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
As such she volunteered to get involved in Set Enterprises’ latest intelligence operation against Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Set Enterprises Intelligence agent Miriam Hasafa had managed to infiltrate the inner circle of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
And now Tanaka was hoping to ensnare a Chechen warlord and ally of Vladimir Putin named Ramzan Kadyrov who had recently threatened to invade Poland over its suport of Ukraine.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had had a vision of Chechen warlord Ramzan Kadyrov as a young boy.
Apparently the young Ramzan had had sexual fantasies about the gypsy Esmeralda the gypsy heroine of Victor Hugo’s novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
So Tanaka stood across from a restaurant in Moscow that Ramzan Kadyrov frequented.
The Chechen warlord was inside.
When Kadyrov exited, he noticed Tanaka standing across the street.
He walked in her direction.
Like all narcissistic misogynistic assholes (although he would not be called as such by Justin Trudeau since he was not a Canadian Freedom Convoy trucker), he grabbed Tanaka and without asking, he kissed her on the lips.
She promptly stabbed him in the right buttock with a needle containing a fast acting Polish poison.
Ramzan Kadyrov fell to the ground dead.
Tanaka slipped away into the Moscow night.
And was not seen again until she returned safely to London.
The Russian FSB found Kadyrov’s body and immediately rushed him to the laboratory of Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who had been the chief mad scientist for the East German Stasi but was now the chief mad scientist for the Russian FSB) to see if the doctor could bring Kadyrov back from the dead.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th
2022
Renfield’s Analysis of China’s Rise and America’s Decline While Pan Goatee Slays More Repulsively Ugly Women
Apple CEO Tim Cook was in a coma after having eaten a poisoned apple delivered to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh as an early Christmas present sent by the Chinese government.
Apple Ltd. had sent for the Prince at Disneyland’s Snow White exhibit to come and kiss the gay Apple CEO on the lips in hopes that this would rouse him from his poisoned apple induced sleep.
However thanks to frothing at the mouth foaming and raving feminist blowhards, a Prince was no longer part of the Disneyland Snow White exhibit since being kissed on the lips by a man was obviously a denial of her female empowerment.
Just like the Seven Dwarves were no longer called the Seven Dwarves (since such a term was insultingly offensive to vertically challenged people in these politically correct times).
They were now called the Seven Stewards of The Forest (to show Disneyland was in tune with the environmentalist agenda).
So Tim Cook had been hoisted by his own petard- the ideology of political correctness that he and his fellow high-tech global conglomerate CEOs sought to inflict on the world.
Renfield had returned to Britain.
He was due to give an interview in person to BBC television.
But once again the London trolley bus he was riding was stuck behind some stupid motorist who had ignored all the flashing lights, warning and stop signs and had become embedded in a motor vehicle trap on the single lane one way street that was meant for buses only.
By chance someone had a plastic container jug of petrol (that’s gasoline for all you Americans out there) on the bus and a woman happened to have a cigarette lighter so Renfield used both items to pull a Raymond Red Reddington (a la Blacklist) and poured gasoline all over the head of the bozo motorist and his equally bozo passengers and then set fire to the empty minded bodily appendanges all the while singing “Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno” from Saturday Night Fever.
He finally reached BBC studios.
He was asked to respond to Canadian media commentators who were saying that China would probably release the two detained Canadians detained by China on “charges of spying” that occurred right after the arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou in Vancouver British Columbia at the behest of the U.S. government.
“Canadian media commentators have no clue as to what they’re talking about,” was Renfield’s response.
“But they point out that Chinese government officials have not linked the sudden detention of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest which gives one hope that they’ll be released,” said the BBC interviewer.
“The reason why Chinese officials have not publicly linked the arrest of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest is because unlike most politicians and government officials in the Western world, the Chinese actually have brains,” Renfield remarked as he used chopsticks to eat his tuna fish sandwiches, “they do not have a Donald Trump who moronically tweets state intelligence, defense and foreign policy secrets in his public Twitter account 24 hours a day. Nor do they have an Emmanuel Macron who is the 8th intellectual dwarf of the modern world (or the 8th intellectual steward of the forest as Disneyland and the IQ challenged administrators of the Calgary Zoo Winter Wonderland Snow White Themed Fairy Tale For 2018 Exhibit might put it). Or a Theresa May who has managed to turn a Brexit deal into the worst of all possible worlds for both British EU inners and outters alike and the total awestruck speechlessness of the ghosts of both Leibniz and Voltaire.”
“But U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo today stood shoulder to shoulder with Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland and demanded the release of the two Canadian detainees or else,” the BBC interviewer quipped.
“And I’m sure China’s supreme leader Xi Jinping is really quaking in his Ming Dynasty glass slippers at that earthshaking pronouncement,” Renfield opened his fortune cookie which bore the fortune, GREAT DEALS ON REDECORATING 10 DOWNING STREET WHEN YOU MOVE IN, “America is a country on its way down. That’s why they elected as President Donald Trump a man who has all the characteristics of the insane Roman Emperor Caligula. And the candidate who ran against him was one Hillary Clinton a woman who has all the characteristics of the violin playing Emperor Nero’s mommie dearest Agrippina Minor with all her shrewishness and inherent insanity thereof. America is on the way down. China is a country on the way up. As the ghost of the Emperor Napoleon I Bonaparte said to me the other day as I was polishing an apple, “The sleeping dragon has awakened.”
. . .
Pan Goatee immediately cut off the head of the ugly looking female high school student as she boarded the transit bus.
“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Pan Goatee shouted in an obvious plagiarism of a militant Islamist terrorist’s phrase.
Later when he walked to a McDonald’s restaurant to buy their $1 coffee special (while the Church Advent fasting season was still on), he encountered a fat ugly blimp female high school student with her father.
“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee once again plagiarized the militant Islamist terrorist’s favourite phrase as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.
“Death to morons who fuck fat ugly blimps and produce similar looking female progeny,” Goatee beheaded the Badyear Blimp’s father.
After drinking coffee at McDonald’s, he went to a grocery store where a thin ugly anorexic skeletal female was leaving the store with her IQ challenged boyfriend.
“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the creature and engaged in his third strike designed to piss off a militant Islamist terrorist umpire.
“And death to the morons who fuck them,” Goatee sounded like he was auditioning for a Martin Scorsese remake of an old Film Noir movie as he beheaded the IQ challenged boyfriend.
Later when he was leaving the grocery store with bottles of Coca-Cola, he encountered another thin ugly anorexic skeletal female and her low IQ boyfriend.
“Aesthetic beauty Akbar!” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the Weight Watchers’ after picture from Hell moments before getting a text message from ISIS Islamic State’s lawyer saying he was being sued for Copyright violations.
Goatee then beheaded the ugly creature’s low IQ boyfriend while shouting, “And death to the morons who fuck them!” in a line surely designed to land him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards.
. . .
The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora was in Kiev Ukraine where tomorrow the Unification Council of the Autocephalous Ukrainian Orthodox Church of Kiev would be held to elect a Primate for the Church.
The Council would be held at Saint Sophie’s Church Cathedral in Kiev.
Theodora was contemplating the warning of Vasilij Gritsak the head of the SBU (Security Service of Ukraine) that the ecclesiastical conflict between Constantinople and Moscow in Ukraine would lead to the outbreak of war and a Vladimir Putin ordered Russian Armed Forces full scale military invasion of Ukraine.
Theodora would side with the Ukrainians against Putin.
For Theodora had offered to make Putin the new restored Byzantine Emperor with his capital at Constantinople.
But Putin had turned her down.
Choosing instead to form an alliance with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the future Sultan and Caliph of a revised Ottoman Empire) and Iran against the State of Israel.
Ironically enough, Israel was being supported by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman who was being advised by the ghosts of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin and the bloody murderous Scottish queen Lady MacBeth as well as the demon Baphomet (who was the patron demon of Sodom and Gomorrah) and the Egyptian god Osiris to rebuild Solomon’s Temple in Jerusalem.
The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora on a moonlit night in Kiev.
Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,
In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.
Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.
He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.
Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.
The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.
Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.
The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.
Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.
The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.
Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.
It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.
Renfield Crashes Vladimir Putin’s Inauguration
Renfield Crashes Vladimir Putin’s Inauguration
Today Monday May 7th 2018.
Vladimir Putin is inaugurated President of Russia for the 4th time.
The ceremony is held in an ornate Kremlin hall in front of 5000 guests.
It was the same hall used for the coronations of Czars Alexander II, Alexander III and Nicholas II.
Putin walked alone through several hallways and several rooms to the swearing-in ceremony.
He was hailed by the guests as the omnipotent Saint George ready to slay the Western dragon 🐉.
After being sworn in, Putin then gave the Inaugural Address to those assembled.
It was at that moment that British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared carrying a machine gun.
Observers from the FSB (Russia’s state security intelligence service) recognized the weapon as one that had been given to Mr. Renfield by Oliver North the newly appointed President of the NRA (National Rifle Association).
Mr. North had bought the weapon from a Walmart store when he went in dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte but wearing an Adolf Hitler moustache under his nose.
Ollie (as Ronald Reagan used to call him) was not asked to produce any ID when he purchased the weapon while singing the song, “I want to mow down and kill hundreds of people today.”
FSB agents immediately started firing their guns at Renfield but he kept on going.
Even stranger no blood flowed from the MP.
The agents looked at one another terrified.
Mr. Renfield pulled a giant Bavarian sausage out of his vest jacket (he was wearing a sharp looking Armani suit) and hit former German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder (a staunch Putin supporter and current head of a branch of Russian gas giant Gazprom) over the head with it.
The sausage seemed to go right through Mr. Schröder causing him a great amount of pain.
“Bumsun it all to Hell!” Herr Schröder shouted in a mixture of German and English.
Renfield then pointed his gun at Putin and fired the trigger.
The Russian leader ducked.
The mysterious bullets left laser marks on the podium.
Finally FSB agents tackled Renfield and he vanished into thin air.
“It’s a bloody hologram,” Putin shouted as he got up off the floor, “who the Hell is manipulating that?”.
Putin was right.
It was a hologram invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in a technological race with French government scientists to invent the perfect holographic image.
Dr. Rocher won the contest because he developed a holographic image of Renfield R. Renfield whereas French government scientists only invented a holographic image of French President Emmanuel Macron.
DARPA scientists in the U.S. decided not to take part in the race to develop the perfect holographic image as the Oval Office Executive Order directive from above directed them to make a holographic image of Donald Trump dressed only in leopard skin briefs and even the killer robot designing mad scientists at DARPA had yet to descend into that level of evil and madness.
Again Putin’s voice echoed through the Kremlin hall, “It’s a bloody hologram and I want to know who is manipulating it?”.
In his lobster tank at London’s Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was using one claw to operate the joystick of the Cadbury Rocher designed waterproof PlayStation that controlled the Renfield holographic image in Moscow and with his other claw he was using it to play the harmonica in a beautiful musical rendition of Henry Mancini’s Moon River.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 7th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep 💤 in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratories when suddenly his lobster antennae picked up a vision of Moscow and Vladimir Putin from the near future.
The re-elected Russian 🇷🇺 President had been given an invitation to an opening of a new exclusive men’s hairstyling salon 💇♂️ in Moscow where the hairstylists were all breathtakingly beautiful and young topless and short skirted Russian women.
Although the Russian President was quite bald and chose not to wear an orangish coloured red spider monkey fur toupee (unlike some world leaders), he decided to take advantage of the free haircut and shave.
He could always use a scalp massage and a shave.
Putin was given a thoroughly pleasing scalp massage by the young attractive female hairstylist who did a lot of bending over as she went to get more water from the sink and more hair massage cream from the lower drawers.
“Moscow always has such lovely views this time of year,” Putin remarked to the young blonde hairstylist.
“Indeed it does,” she smiled and winked at him, “Are you ready for your hot towel shave?”.
“Yes,” Putin smiled.
She then put the steaming hot towel on his face.
“Oh God, it burns, it burns!” Putin screamed.
Putin scrambled off the chair and on to the floor still screaming, “It burns. It burns.”
“I imagine it does,” a grinning Renfield R. Renfield MP from Britain’s Westminster Parliament stood in front of him.
Renfield was dressed in a James Bond style white tuxedo suit and sipping a martini 🍸- shaken not stirred.
“All these hairstylists are paid operatives for MI-6,” Renfield lit a cigarette with a gold cigarette lighter.
Amadeus came into the salon carrying a toy piano 🎹 and sat down at the piano and played the song As Time Goes By.
“You’re probably wondering to yourself,” Renfield blew cigarette smoke in Bogart style fashion into the air, “Why of all the hairstyling salons in all the world did that nasty Brit Renfield R. Renfield have to walk into this one?”.
“It burns, it burns,” Putin seemed to be singing a Russian Orthodox style litany of pain on the spot.
“Like I said this hairstyling salon is actually an MI-6 operation,” Renfield smiled, “and that burning sensation you’re still feeling from the steaming hot towel is probably caused by a smattering of VX nerve agent on the towel- the same substance that killed Kim Jong-nam (the half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) when two women attacked his face with towels at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on February 13th last year. But don’t worry the amount put on your towel isn’t enough to kill you. Just enough to give you the most delectable amount of pain until you do face your death.”
“How am I to die?” Asked Putin.
The topless short skirted hairstylists had meanwhile grabbed Putin and took off all his clothes and then forced him into a kneeling position with his bum stuck up in the air.
“Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harvey Weinstein,” Renfield introduced the disgraced Hollywood producer who likewise was in the all together save for the pair of glasses 👓 he was wearing, “Mr. Weinstein was recently given a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher. This serum turned him gay.”
A look of realization and horror entered Putin’s eyes.
“Well there you go, Harvey,” Renfield pointed to the Russian leader’s most inviting derrière, “go to it.”
Weinstein mounted Putin while Amadeus played the song Home On The Range on the piano followed by the theme music to the film Brokeback Mountain.
“Mr. Weinstein’s phallus has been laced with the same nerve agent used in the attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury,” Renfield explained, “though somewhat modified by Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Mr. Weinstein’s phallus is not harmed by the substance that it is carrying. However the same cannot be said for your rear end. You shall die a most unique and excruciating 😖 death 💀.”
“How could you do this?” Putin had tears in his eyes as well as Weinstein’s phallus in his behind.
“I was authorized to do it by an emergency meeting of Cobra 🐍 by the British government this past March 10,” Renfield smiled, “though I was given full artistic control over the whole operation so I could give it my own Renfieldian artistic flourish.”
As Weinstein exploded in orgasm, Amadeus played She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain ⛰ When She Comes on the piano.
“Salisbury, thou art avenged!” Putin shouted as he gave up the ghost 👻.
“I wonder if I can get a good Salisbury steak somewhere in Moscow,” asked Amadeus who was starting to feel hungry 😋.
Meanwhile Renfield was looking at one of the beautiful topless short skirted hairstylists and said to her, “Feodora, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 11th
2018.
An Unbearable Visitor To Moscow
An Unbearable Visitor To Moscow
Russian President Vladimir Putin was alerted to a dangerous situation in the streets of Moscow by his Chief of Staff Dmitri Constanovich.
“What’s up, Dmitri?” Putin asked, “Is George Soros flying his bandana wearing Antifa thugs and hooligans over here to riot, assault people and damage public and private property in what The New York Times, The Washington Post and former U.S. President Barack Obama would refer to as a ‘peaceful assembly’?”.
“No, Mr. President,” Dmitri shook his head, “remember your own orders issued last month about how any plane ✈️ even suspected of carrying Soros financed Antifa hooligans on board is to be immediately shot down without question and the remains of the dead are to be fed to Siberian rats as the ultimate form of rat poison?”.
“Oh yes, I do remember that,” Putin nodded, “so what’s up?”.
“A Eurasian brown bear 🐻 has been seen wandering the streets of Moscow,” Dmitri answered.
“Alone and by itself?” Putin asked.
“Yes,” Dmitri nodded.
“Did it escape from the zoo or a circus?” Putin inquired.
“We have no idea, your Excellency,”
Dmitri answered.
“But surely this is a matter for the Wildlife Services,” Putin took off his shirt and noticed how his chest was so much sexier than that of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, “surely the glorious head of the glorious Russian Motherland namely myself shouldn’t be bothered with such trivialities.”
“But this appears to be no ordinary bear, your Excellency,” Dmitri read from the Moscow police report, “it was first found to be panhandling on the streets of Moscow without a licence though for some reason no policeman ticketed it. Then it entered several Moscow bars and ordered dozens of glasses of vodka and downed them and paid for them. Then it entered one of Moscow’s leading massage parlours and got a massage from the topless masseuses who work there.”
“Would that be the Stalin-A-Go-Go?” Putin asked as he rubbed his chest with suntan lotion.
“Yes, your Excellency,” Dmitri nodded.
“So the bear likes to drink and is horny for beautiful women,” Putin shrugged, “at least we know then that it’s a Russian Eurasian brown bear and not a North American brown bear. Those will probably be marching in Gay Pride Parades this weekend.”
“Yes, but according to one of Moscow’s leading psychics Anastasia Leninska, this Eurasian brown bear is possessed by the ghost of Grigori Rasputin,” Dmitri looked grim.
“The Grigori Rasputin?” Putin stopped rubbing the raspberry coloured suntan lotion on his chest.
“Yes,” Dmitri slumped into a chair.
“This could pose problems,” Putin looked out his office window at the storm ⛈ clouds hovering over Moscow.
Meanwhile in Gorky Park, that old 1970s Boney M song Rasputin was playing on all the radios in the park,
“Ra ra Rasputin
Russia’s greatest love machine…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 1st
2017.
Quetzalcoatl: These Hearts Won’t Go On and On
Quetzalcoatl: These Hearts Won’t Go On And On
The Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was feeling famished.
He was on his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec’s ranch in Mexico having just flown in from Havana, Cuba where he had been eavesdropping on the conversation between Pope Francis and Russian Orthodox Church Moscow Patriarch Kirill at Jose Marti International Airport.
Quetzalcoatl was now in the barn eating a bunch of fresh human hearts to regain his strength.
The ranch hands had captured a tourist bus and brought the tourists to Quetzalcoatl to rip open their chests and eat their hearts.
The tourist bus capture and the vanished passengers could easily be blamed as an abduction on narco-fighter gang members of the Mexican drug cartels (making the drug thugs good for something in Quetzalcoatl’s opinion).
“You deserve a break today at McDonald’s,” Quetzalcoatl sang cheerfully as he ripped out the heart of a Scottish tourist.
There was a sudden tapping as of someone rapping, gently rapping at the barnyard door.
” ‘Tis some visitor,” Quetzalcoatl muttered, “tapping at the barnyard door- only this and nothing more.”
Quetzalcoatl opened the door and standing there was a pair of young men dressed in white shirts with black ties and black dress pants.
“My friend,” one of the young men spoke up as he held in his hands a copy of the Book of Mormon, “have you heard about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and read Another Testament of Jesus Christ- the Book of Mormon?”.
Quetzalcoatl stood there at the barn door and said nothing.
As the two young Mormon missionaries stood there and noticed fresh blood dripping down the chin of Quetzalcoatl’s gargantuan grotesque serpentine bird like face and then noticed all the bodies and ripped out hearts on the barn floor behind him, both young men simultaneously made the Sherlockian deduction that now was probably not the best time to share the good news about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and Another Testament of Jesus Christ- the Book of Mormon.
The Mormon missionaries leapt on to their respective bicycles and vigourously pedaled off the ranch in the direction of Mexico City.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 12th
2016.
Haiku About The Assassination of Boris Nemtsov In Moscow
Haiku About The Assassination of Boris Nemtsov In Moscow
Boris Nemtsov slain
cold chill falls over Moscow
soon to freeze the blood
Whose Secret Weapon?
Whose Secret Weapon?
Russian President Vladimir Putin was in his office in Moscow getting a briefing on the ceasefire in eastern Ukraine.
“Mr. President,” the head of the Russian FSB spoke, “the illegal rogue government in Kiev has a new secret weapon that’s been attacking our troops… I mean… our allies.”
“Secret weapon?” Putin perked up his ears.
“Yes, a werewolf, believe it or not,” the FSB head grimaced, “Fortunately our side has a few silver bullets in our arsenal to protect against American witchcraft. We’ve fired but sadly have missed the mark.”
. . .
Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko was in his office in Kiev getting a briefing on how the ceasefire was holding up in eastern Ukraine.
“Mr. President,” the Minister of Defence spoke, “Russian troops posing as volunteers have a new secret weapon that’s been attacking our troops- a werewolf.”
“A werewolf?” Poroshenko dropped a perogie off his fork.
“Yes,” the Minister of Defence took a sip of tea in an effort to show the cabinet that he had not been drinking anything stronger, “Fortunately our side have a few silver bullets in our arsenal to protect against Siberian shamanic witchcraft. We’ve fired but sadly have missed the mark.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 17th
2015.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday
April 22, 2015 at 7:24 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (Ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith, Earth Day, Frog Prince, Lenin, Lilith, Moscow, Nimrod, Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin, vampire novel, Vampiress Lilith, Vladimir Lenin, Vladimir Putin, Wired)
Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday
As a wired journalist for WIRED Magazine (he had drunk 20 cups of coffee while sitting in a Starbucks cafe that had 20 screaming children who had drunk too many chocolate sprinkled cappuccinos) wrote in an online article that the biggest threat to the Earth was “we have too many kids”, the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith and ancient Babel’s ruler Nimrod (who had turned into a frog as a result of a Vampiress’ kiss gone awry) were spending Earth Day in Moscow.
The Vampiress Lilith was having an important meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Nimrod would not be attending the meeting as President Putin did not talk to frogs.
The Russian leader had developed a severe allergy to frogs’ legs after a bad case of food poisoning on a disastrous holiday trip on the Black Sea many many years ago.
So Nimrod decided he would spend the time visiting Lenin’s Tomb in Moscow.
As Nimrod stared through the glass at the embalmed body of Lenin, Lenin’s corpse sat up momentarily and sang “Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!” for of course Earth Day was the same day as Lenin’s birthday.
And today was Lenin’s 145th birthday.
“Where’s my birthday cake and candles?” Lenin shouted.
“I’m sorry,” apologized an old Soviet Red Army soldier who had stood guard at Lenin’s tomb since the very first Earth Day was held on this date back in 1970, “but a birthday cake with that many candles on it- 145- would violate the City of Moscow’s Fire Code.”
“Bloody bureaucratic regulations!” cursed the man who had founded the all-encompassing bureaucratic Soviet state.
The Soviet Union’s founder foamed at the mouth and promptly died again.
“Wow, I just saw Lenin’s corpse sit up and sing Happy Birthday to himself,” Nimrod the frog remarked as he left the Lenin Mausoleum.
“Wow, I just saw a talking frog,” said one vodka drinking Russian man who swore off vodka for life after this strange encounter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 22nd
2015.
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