Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

August 21, 2015 at 6:03 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Still Seeing Stars On Trek

Renfield R. Renfield was still busy bitching to Amadeus Emanon about the fact that a few nights earlier, he was having an extremely pleasant dream about being in a Turkish steam bath with three vivacious female porn stars when suddenly Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster entered his dream and entered the Turkish steam bath wearing a firefighter heat protection suit specially designed for lobsters and pinched him on the rear end with his lobster claws to get him out of the steam bath.

“Why would Michelangelo do that?” Amadeus asked as he dipped three Turkish Delight candies into some tangy and spicy shrimp cocktail sauce and ate them.

“Because I was to go to another space/time dimension to locate the whereabouts of some AI cybrid psychic cyborg they call the Black Dragon Master,” Renfield blew steam through his ears setting off the smoke alarm in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

“And did you find the Black Dragon Master?” Amadeus was grateful for the ceiling sprinkler’s sudden downpour of water as it cooled off the extremely hot and spicy taste of his Cajun/Mexican/Thai/Korean Barbeque Lobster Sandwich that he was eating.

“Yes, I found him in an Irish brothel in Dublin,” Renfield seemed to recall rather fondly.

“As opposed to an Irish brothel in Beijing,” Amadeus downed a two litre bottle of water.

The mansion’s butler and valet Athelstan appeared in the living room wearing a post-nuclear apocalypse radioactive protection firefighter suit and carrying a hose to put out the fire.

“That’s all right, Athelstan,” Amadeus waved him off, “there’s really no fire.”

Athelstan left the room swearing in ancient Egyptian a language he was learning in an on-line educational course in an effort to better understand the words his boss and master Set mumbled in his sleep in his sarcophagus.

“I hear those AI cybrid psychic cyborgs are able to communicate telepathically,” Amadeus cracked open his fortune cookie.

“This one had temporarily lost his ability to communicate telepathically after he had used his long forgotten sense of taste to study and research the remnants of an ancient beer brewery in Bavaria that had apparently been frequented by a pair of drunken otters back in the early 21st Century,” Renfield explained.

“Isn’t that our own time?” Amadeus checked the date on his new Apple watch.

“Yes, but it was ancient history to this AI cybrid psychic cyborg in the future,” Renfield played with his Ancient Macedonian sword that had once belonged to Alexander The Great.

“So how did he communicate with you?” Amadeus used his iPhone to order more Chinese take-out food.

“He spoke to me in the most god-awful voice,” Renfield shuddered and shivered, “the most sinister voice I ever encountered.”

“Did he sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger the killer robot from the future in The Terminator?” Amadeus tried his best Austrian accent.

“Worse,” Renfield swallowed from his bottle of 21-year-old Port and was grateful that he wasn’t reading any humourous blog posts on the Net at that moment, “he sounded like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone and a Transylvanian transvestite transexual cross-dresser.”

“Sounds like the Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again,” Amadeus spilled rice all over the floor.

“Well I certainly am not doing the fucking Time Warp again,” Renfield recalled that aspect of his dream with sheer terror.

“What happened?” Amadeus got down on his knees to pick up the rice

“As soon as Mr. Sulu hit warp speed on the U.S.S. Enterprise to return us to our own space/time dimension, I was jilted forward with such velocity that my testicles were actually transported right up to the back molars of my mouth,” Renfield recalled with some trepidation, “I could have become the first person in recorded history to give myself my own blow jobs.”

“Well,” Amadeus noted, “from that pic of Ron Jeremy you had left frozen on your computer screen a few nights ago before you went to bed to have that dream, I think he could easily give himself his own blow jobs judging from what I saw.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 14th
2015.

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