The Cosmic Origins of P.H. Lovecat

February 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

His name was Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour.

P. H. Felinedamour for short.

He was an artist.

An artist inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft.

Many Lovecraftian entities showed up in his paintings.

And in the art show that Dashwood Forrest (the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London) would be opening tonight in his gallery, the last painting that Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour ever painted – from December 21st 2012 (the same night that he disappeared) – would be on pre-eminent display in the middle of the gallery for this art show.

Dashwood Forrest was currently showing the painting to British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his date for this evening Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Renfield was bringing Lepardia to the gallery as a way of saying thanks to the cultural attache for saving the Transhumanist MP’s life this past weekend.

Lepardia had stopped an assasination attempt on Renfield by wrestling to the ground the Russian vampiress and FSB operative Svetlana Kireeva.

The incident occurred in the final match of a darts tournament being held at the Clytemnestra’s Revenge and Agamemnon’s Bathtub Pub and Beef House.

The wrestling match between mortal woman and immortal (unless staked through the heart) vampiress caused Renfield to lose the tournament by wrecking his final throw.

Svetlana had intended to assasinate Renfield by firing a poison dart at him with an Amazon tribesman’s blow gun.

Instead the dart hit the left foot of the American Jesuit priest Father Neville Barack Chamberlain (who was theological advisor to New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan advising His Eminence on how to take a firm stand on the most pressing doctrinal and moral issues of the day) causing a paralysis in the priest’s right testicle in an example of acupuncture and chi energy gone horribly wrong.

Lepardia and Renfield gazed at the P.H. Felinedamour painting entitled

Artemis, Cthulhu, Diana’s Sacred Deer and Hecate’s Familiar Black Cat With Clytemnestra Holding A Net and Agamemnon Screaming In The Nude In The Background.

“So that was the last painting he ever painted?” Renfield asked the London art gallery owner as he downed a reddish pink with shades of China blue shooter called Vincent Van Gogh’s Missing Ear.

Ariana Grande walked by in a slit skirted evening dress that prominently displayed her new “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo.

The singer was eating Honey Dipped Chicken Fingers from McDonalds.

No doubt Bill Clinton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson would have loved to have been flies on the wall (or even better, flies on the floor) as the lovely Miss Grande walked by.

“That is correct,” Forrest bowed to Renfield as Renfield crushed and killed a pair of flies on the floor with his right shoe.

Forrest’s personal secretary arrived on the scene to inform the Oscar Wilde lookalike London art gallery owner that his living dead Irish manservant and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie had just accidentally spilled barbecued chicken wings hors d’oeuvres down the evening dress of British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“Excuse me,” Forrest whispered to Renfield and Lepardia as his face turned as pale as the portrait of Dorian Gray and he rushed in the direction of the catastrophe.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 4th
2019.


Ariana Grande: Showing off her “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo at the P.H. Lovecat (Felinedamour) Art Show.

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Dashwood Forrest’s iPhone FaceTime Chat With Ivanka Trump

September 5, 2018 at 10:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Dashwood Forrest’s iPhone FaceTime Chat With Ivanka Trump

Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London England was going to have an iPhone FaceTime chat with a good friend and good client Ivanka Trump the daughter of the U.S. President.

He had already dialled the number and Ivanka’s face appeared on his iPhone screen.

She appeared to be unaware that they had connected and was busy writing something down on a notebook.

She knocked the iPhone down on top of the notebook and Dashwood was getting an extremely close-up view of her writing.

Ivanka picked up the iPhone when she suddenly noticed she had a live connection.

“Dashwood, is that you?” She asked.

“Yes, it’s me, Dashwood Forrest, Dublin born and raised man about London town and gentleman Extraordinaire,” the Oscar Wilde admiring art historian replied.

Ivanka looked at her Rolex watch.

“I guess this was the time we said we were going to talk, wasn’t it?” She noted the time.

“It was,” Forrest answered.

“You didn’t by chance see what I had written in that notebook did you when I knocked my iPhone down on top of it?” Ivanka looked worried.

“No, the writing was a bit too close up for me to read anything,” Forrest answered.

“Thank God,” Ivanka looked relieved.

“Say, Mr. Forrest,” Mulligan the Irish zombie 🧟‍♂️ who was Dashwood Forrest’s living day manservant suddenly appeared in the room alongside Forrest holding a copy of The New York Times in one hand and a pint of Guinness in the other, “Did you read this anonymous editorial in The New York Times by some high-ranking Trump Administration official saying they’re working hard to protect the American people from Trump? I wonder who that person might be?”.

“Jesus,” Ivanka turned red and disconnected the call.

“Mulligan, I wish you wouldn’t wear that Nude Photo of Golda Meir t-shirt in public nor come barging into the office unannounced wearing it while I’m on FaceTime,” Forrest scolded, “you often frighten people off that way even more than your zombie 🧟‍♂️ look.”

Meanwhile at her desk, Ivanka wiped the perspiration off her forehead.

Meanwhile her father had just tweeted TREASON!

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 5th
2018.

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The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

June 19, 2018 at 11:10 pm (Art, Arts, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol sighed as he put down the phone at Interpol headquarters in Lyon, France.

Despite Pope Francis’ recent pronouncement on the subject, all Hell was quite literally breaking loose upon the world.

And to top it off his associate who was his ally in battling evil supernatural forces the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was nowhere to be found.

The first example of something majorly supernatural happening in this sixth month of the Year of Our Lord 2018 was that the famous legendary ghost ship The Flying Dutchman had just been spotted in the harbour of Port Elizabeth South Africa 🇿🇦.

Hundreds of people had seen the ship according to Port Elizabeth police reports and eyewitness statements.

But the really strange thing about the incident was these same eyewitnesses tried to take photos of the ship with their smart phones or in a few rare cases those old fashioned instruments known as the Polaroid, Kodak and Nikon cameras 📷.

But in every single instance where a picture was taken of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the photo (be it on smart phone or Polaroid or Kodak or Nikon camera) turned out to be a photograph of Donald Trump wearing a pair of Canadian shoes with his British valet and butler Lexington hitting them with a hammer trying to make them look old and scruffy.

In those instances where people tried to shoot a video of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the same image would appear only in motion and with sound.

The video showed Lexington playing an old 1920s gramophone in the background so that Donald Trump’s pair of Canadian shoes 👞 would sound old as well.

Fortunately for posterity as far as Peter Whitstable was concerned, it so happened that the great South African artist SAREJESS (whose real name was Timothy Wood but who painted under the nom-de-plume SAREJESS which was a combination of the first letters of his 3 daughters’ names Sarah, Rebecca and Jessica) happened to be on the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean at the time.

The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean was owned by the Irish Greek shipping tycoon Heraclitus O’ Spazzis who being blind (after a tragic visit to the City of Calgary) had recently proposed marriage to Hillary Clinton should she ever become a widow.

SAREJESS had been hired as a guide by O’Spazzis to take him out to the best fishing spots off Port Elizabeth.

The yacht was returning to the harbour after O’ Spazzis had caught an amazing 153 fishes when the Flying Dutchman appeared.

“What’s all the excitement about?” The blind O’ Spazzis asked as he ate his Guinness laced shepherd’s pie 🥧 and his Ouzo laced lamb Souvlaki and heard loud and excited cries coming from shore.

“It’s the Flying Dutchman,” his skipper Hades Charon answered.

“Damn, I wish I could see it,” O’ Spazzis sipped his Doppelgänger (a drink that was a deadly combination of 1/2 Guinness and 1/2 ouzo), “Stupid Calgary cowboys letting their fat ugly cows wander on the city streets like that.”

Venus O’ Hara the executive assistant to Mr. O’ Spazzis took a picture of the Flying Dutchman with her smart phone and then exclaimed, “Damn! All I got was a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the Alberta-Montana border.”

On the yacht’s radio, Madonna could be heard singing, “You keep on pushing my love over the borderline…”

Hades Charon tried to record a video with his smart phone and got the same imagery showing up.

On the video Trump could be heard saying, “It’s because of illegal shoe smuggling that we need to put tariffs on Canada…”

“… feels like I’m going to lose my mind…” Madonna continued singing.

Fortunately, Timothy (aka SAREJESS) had remembered to bring his paintbrush 🖌, a palette 🎨, a canvas and his paints with him.

Timothy sat down on board the deck of the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean and immediately started painting a picture of the Flying Dutchman within sight of the modern skyline of the city of Port Elizabeth South Africa.

The yacht lay anchored there for the next several hours while Tim painted his picture.

When he had finished, the Flying Dutchman ghost ship then turned around and sailed out of the harbour.

“Shit! It’s leaving!” Several voices exclaimed on shore, “And what’s up with all these fucking pics of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the border anyways?”.

Peter Whitstable gazed at the photo of the SAREJESS painting entitled The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth.

“Well at least this image has been recorded for posterity,” Whitstable smiled, “what a great moment in art history.”

Meanwhile on the Port Elizabeth beach, the famous London art historian, curator and art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest sat sipping a Mai Tai.

His living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish Zombie 🧟‍♂️ sat drinking a glass of Jameson Irish Whiskey 🥃 attempting to paint 🎨 a picture of the Flying Dutchman with his paintbrush 🖌 on canvas.

“How are you coming, Mulligan?” Forrest asked.

“By all the blessed saints in their ongoing cosmic wrestling match with the demon Mephistopheles,” Mulligan bellyached as he rubbed his stomach, “this paintbrush seems to have a mind of its own. All I get is a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes 👞 across the Canada-U.S. border.”

“Real geniuses don’t get caught smuggling shoes,” Forrest remarked as he looked at the painting which showed Robert Mueller holding a pair of handcuffs as Trump crossed the border wearing a pair of shoes emblazoned with the Canadian maple 🍁 leaf and the Canadian beaver.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 19th
2018.

If you wish to own the original of this amazing SAREJESS painting The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

please contact Timothy Wood at his South African phone number:

084 996 5316

or if you just wish to own a limited edition personally autographed print of the painting, also contact Tim at the same number:

084 996 5316

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Reblog of Dashwood Forrest Meets Ivanka Trump

May 18, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Art, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

Dashwood Forrest stood in the middle of his hotel room dressed like Gainsborough’s Blue Boy and stared at himself in the full length mirror on the wall.

“I’m beginning to have some idea of how Narcissus must have felt when he saw his own reflection,” Dashwood swooned.

There was a knock at the door.

“Mulligan, would you please answer that,” Dashwood called out to his Irish zombie manservant, “and please put a towel over your head. I don’t want you frightening anybody like you did the cleaning staff this morning. It took a $50 tip to bring them back again.”

Mulligan put a towel over his head and went to open the door.

He crashed into several lamps on his way to find the door.

“Watch where you’re going, Mulligan!” Dashwood exclaimed.

“It’s rather difficult to see where I’m going wearing a towel over my head,” Mulligan complained as he…

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The U.S. Embassy Opens In Jerusalem On Israel’s 70th Anniversary As A Nation

May 14, 2018 at 11:55 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Egyptian vampiress Isis arriving at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem:

The U. S. Embassy Opens In Jerusalem On Israel’s 70th Anniversary As A Modern Nation

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu got a huge erection when he saw her.

The Egyptian vampiress Isis arriving at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem.

Coincidentally at the same time as he called U.S. President Donald Trump the “reincarnation of the Persian king Cyrus.”

In Rome, Pope Francis (who didn’t have an erection as he watched the ceremony on television) retrieved the Handbook of Catholic Christian Dogma from his garbage can (where he had placed it since his election to the Papacy) as he couldn’t remember whether the Catholic Church believed in reincarnation or not.

If it did, it could be a dogma he could deny at some future date.

U. S. President Donald Trump (when he began his address via television) likewise got an erection when he saw Isis arrive at the U.S. Embassy Jerusalem opening on his television monitor.

“At this very moment, you have absolutely no idea how much I want to be there in person…” Trump began.

Rudy Giuliani was meanwhile thinking of a prophecy about storms in the (cheque) Book of Daniels.

Several Hamas operatives smashed their motor vehicles into one another (killing each other in the process) upon seeing Isis (the nice knockers in a see-through dress vampiress not the terrorist group) arrive at the Embassy opening.

The famous London art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest who was a personal friend of Ivanka Trump was also there along with his living dead manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.

Even though Dashwood Forrest was gay, he too was overcome with an erection upon seeing the sensuously beautiful young looking vampiress Isis.

I hope my boyfriend isn’t watching this at home, Forrest thought to himself as the BBC World News camera panned in on him.

Katy Perry’s lyrics “I kissed a girl and I liked it…” kept running through his mind.

“I hereby declare the U. S. Embassy in Jerusalem officially open on this 14th day of May in the Year of Our Lord 2018- the 70th Anniversary of the birth of the modern State of Israel 🇮🇱,” Ivanka Trump pronounced as she unveiled the plaque next to the Embassy front door.

Both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Pope Francis winced when she used the term Year of Our Lord.

Ivanka Trump went over and hugged Dashwood Forrest after the plaque unveiling as soon as she saw him.

“Well,” Ivanka laughed a little taken aback after hugging the Oscar Wilde admiring London art gallery owner, “is that a paintbrush 🖌 in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”.

She brushed off her white skirt.

“You’ve always had that effect on me, my dear,” Dashwood Forrest laughed.

“Suicide bomber,” Mulligan the Irish zombie shouted as soon as he saw him.

Mulligan landed on top of the Lebanese Hezbollah operative (who was wearing such dark sunglasses that he never noticed the extreme sunblock wearing vampiress Isis) just as he detonated the explosives.

As a result of Mulligan’s drunken heroic actions, the only ones injured in the explosion 💥 was the suicide bomber himself as well as Dashwood Forrest’s living dead Irish manservant who went totally to pieces as a result of the rescue.

Both Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iran’s Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini cried in their beer 🍺 when they saw the death of the Hezbollah operative.

“I don’t think I’m quite dead yet,” the moving lips on the head of Mulligan the Irish zombie impersonated an Englishman believed to have succumbed to the bubonic plague in the movie Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

“Well,” Dashwood Forrest picked up one of Mulligan’s middle fingers, “this looks like a job for Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”

Meanwhile in London, Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher put on his Superman costume as he headed out to a Costume Ball in London on a lovely May evening.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 14th
2018.

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Reblog of An Evening At The Mermaid Art Exhibit

April 30, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Arts, Culture, Fantasy, Folklore, Humour, Mythology, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago about an evening at the mermaid art exhibit which turned out to be as riotous as the Marx Brothers’ night at the opera:

Dracul Van Helsing

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin the curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery announced to those gathered at the Mermaid Art Exhibit’s opening night, “regrettably the artist Miss Charmaine Olivia will not be able to be with us this evening…”

The crowd moaned and groaned their disappointment.

“Yes,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin sighed in sympathy, “Miss Olivia ate some rather bad tuna fish sandwiches earlier this evening that she had thought had come from the Exhibit caterers but they turned out to have been brought in by a mysterious third party…”

“So she’s the one who ate all my tuna fish sandwiches that I had brought with me tonight,” Renfield seethed to Amadeus.

“Then you might have been the one who came down with food poisoning,” Amadeus pointed out.

“I guess every cloud has a silver lining,” Renfield grinned.

A dark cloud appeared over the gallery and an American silver…

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Dashwood Forrest and Mulligan The Irish Zombie On O’ Connell Street In Dublin

March 18, 2018 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dashwood Forrest and Mulligan The Irish Zombie On O’ Connell Street In Dublin

Dashwood Forrest and his manservant Mulligan the Irish ☘️ Zombie 🧟‍♂️ were having breakfast 🥞 🍳 in a restaurant at a hotel on O’ Connell Street in Dublin.

Mulligan was nursing a king sized hangover having drank too many glasses of Kilkenny Irish Cream Ale on the Hill of Tara in County Meath for Saint Patrick’s Day yesterday.

He did give away one of his glasses of Kilkenny to a golden cobra named Maitreya who was undergoing an old Celtic Pagan ritual to make the snake the High King of Ireland.

But he did so in a hypnotic state (which would be the only possible state in which Mulligan the Irish Zombie 🧟‍♂️ would give away an alcoholic beverage that happened to be in his possession).

“If you don’t mind my saying so, you look to be in awfully bad shape,” the waiter said to Mulligan.

“That’s because I’ve got a hangover,” Mulligan answered while drinking tomato juice laced with three raw eggs 🥚 and Worcestershire sauce.

“You also look to be dead,” the waiter remarked as some of Mulligan’s decomposing flesh fell on his breakfast plate of kipper and poached eggs.

“I am,” Mulligan started leaking tomato juice and Worcestershire sauce from his armpits, “I’m a zombie.”

“If you’re a zombie, then why aren’t you sitting in the Dail (Irish Parliament)?” The waiter asked.

“There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself that very question,” Mulligan was debating with himself on whether or not he should order a Guinness as he noticed the old antique clock on the hotel restaurant wall was only 1 minute away from 12 noon.

“Who raised you from the dead?” The waiter asked.

“It was a South African witch doctor called Dr. Sterling Makabo who raised me from the dead,” Mulligan cut himself a slice of kipper and put it on his fork, “although he had actually been hired to raise my neighbour who was buried next to me in the cemetery from the dead but his corpse was still at his wake. A wake that apparently went on for fourteen days I might add. So when my neighbour did not answer Doctor Makabo’s call, I decided to do so. With the result that I’m now living the life of Riley.”

“Riley was the name of the man in the grave next to him,” Dashwood Forrest explained, “the fellow that Dr. Makabo was supposed to raise from the dead but his body was still at his wake as his buddies had been drinking so much, they forgot to take him to both his funeral and burial services.”

“Only in Ireland 🇮🇪 would this happen,” the waiter shook his head.

“I would have to agree,” Dashwood Forrest smelled the rose in his lapel.

At that moment on the television in the restaurant, the image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared to comment on Vladimir Putin’s landslide Presidential election 🗳 victory in Russia 🇷🇺.

As Renfield pointed to a photo of Putin and made Freemasonic death by disembowelling gestures with his hands that would send YouTube conspiracy theory channel hosts into a whirlwind of frenzy, Mulligan remarked to Dashwood Forrest, “There’s the fellow who saved me from drowning in a bowl of punch at your mermaid 🧜‍♀️ painting art exhibit in London last year.”

“Was that before or after you became a zombie 🧟‍♂️?” The waiter asked.

“After,” Mulligan replied, “My mortal pre-zombie life came to an end when I drowned in a vat of Guinness.”

And speaking of Guinness, the antique clock in the restaurant struck 12 noon.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 18th
2018.

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Cleopatra and The Serpent At Tara On Saint Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cleopatra and The Serpent At Tara On Saint Patrick’s Day

At a Buddhist temple in London, one of the monks awoke and went into the meditation room to pray.

He was shocked to discover that the giant statue of the Future Buddha To Come had been stolen.

He immediately went and told one of his fellow monks, “The statue of the Maitreya has been stolen.”

“How,” his brother monk asked, “could such a large statue have been stolen?”.

. . .

Inside a cave deep in the Himalayas on the Nepal-Tibet border, the sleeping giant golden cobra awakened.

He then left his cave and astral projected himself to Egypt.

But the cobra had such a highly developed mind (that physicists at their peril could only dream of) that he was able to take his physical form body to Egypt with him along with his astral body.

. . .

The golden cobra was in the burial chamber of the tomb of Queen Cleopatra VII Philopator of Egypt.

His eyes projected a golden ray that caused the lid of the Queen’s sarcophagus to raise.

He then leaned over the sarcophagus and peered in looking at the royal mummy.

Once again its eye emitted a golden ray that disintegrated the bandages into oblivion.

Its other eye then emitted another golden ray that caused flesh to form on the skeleton.

With both its eyes, it then cast a golden ray as bright as the light of the sun on Cleopatra’s body.

And the Queen returned to life in all her regal beauty and splendour.

“I am naked,” the Queen said as she looked down.

“Does your beauty really need to be covered with clothes?” The cobra asked in a voice as eloquent as that of Sir Laurence Olivier playing Hamlet.

“But I am a Queen,” Cleopatra protested, “Commoners mustn’t see me naked.”

. . .

The cobra brought the Queen’s handmaidens back to life and using royal gold buried with her, Cleopatra and her six handmaidens were astral projected by the cobra’s tongue to the fashion district of Paris France 🇫🇷 where they purchased neo-Classical Egyptian gowns from Christian Dior.

The seven Egyptian women left the salon fashion house dressed in their gowns while a group of recently resurrected male Egyptian slaves followed behind carrying a vast array of shopping bags.

“Cléopâtre,” the chauffeur of French President Emmanuel Macron exclaimed as he drove the President’s limo into a light post upon seeing the Egyptian queen.

The French President, who was in the backseat reading a National Geographic article on cougars, was unhurt.

. . .

The cobra astral projected himself along with his physical form to Ireland.

He went to the grounds of Down Cathedral in Downpatrick, County Down, Province of Armagh, Northern Ireland.

He stood by the stone that was reputed to be the burial marker for the reputed burial place of Saint Patrick.

The cobra hissed and spat on Saint Patrick’s grave.

It hissed, “Thou fool. Thy triumph was short lived. Only 16 centuries. And now the serpents have returned to Ireland.”

An old Englishman and his wife walked by observing this spectacle.

Said Cecil to his wife Marianne, “Well if snakes are going to talk, glad to see they’re talking in good old King James Bible English.”

. . .

The Golden Cobra stood on the Hill of Tara the seat of the High Kings of Ireland.

It stood atop the Lia Fail (Stone of Destiny) on this County Meath landmark.

The snake then drank a glass of Kilkenny Irish Cream Ale that was handed to him by Mulligan the Irish Zombie 🧟‍♂️ who was in a hypnotic state.

Mulligan’s boss the London based art curator and Oscar Wilde admirer Dashwood Forrest was on the nearby hill of Rath Maeve looking for Mulligan.

The goddess Maeve meanwhile joined the cobra atop the Lia Fail (Stone of Destiny) and a Saskatchewan Anglican priest who was also a clergyman in the Church of the Reformed Druids stood on a pair of giant stilts held up by a pair of clowns and looking down on the cobra and the goddess Maeve symbolically married the pair.

The Saskatchewan Anglican priest then found himself the victim of a human sacrifice a minute later much to his personal dismay.

The Church of the Reformed Druids was possibly not as reformed as he would have liked.

The Irish Celtic goddess Brigid then arrived on the scene and crowned the golden cobra High King of Ireland.

“And now yonder, my High Queen doth approach,” the Cobra used his astral third eye to see the beautiful Cleopatra dressed in a magnificent gown and walking across the Irish Sea.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 17th
2018.

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Renfield and The Churchillian Bottle of Brandy

November 11, 2017 at 4:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Humour, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield and The Churchillian Bottle of Brandy

It had recently come to the attention of Renfield R. Renfield MP that the last bottle of brandy that Sir Winston Churchill had ever purchased prior to his death was still unopened (thus giving some idea of the large collection of bottles of brandy that Churchill must have had).

Renfield thought that as the 21st Century Churchill, he really should be in possession of the last bottle of brandy that Winnie owned.

The bottle of brandy was to be auctioned off at Sotheby’s Auction House in London.

Renfield was unable to make it to the auction in person so he hired Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London to act as his agent.

Forrest attended the Sotheby’s auction along with his living dead manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.

Unlike most zombies, Mulligan the Irish zombie never bothered eating brains seeing as how he never made use of brains when he was alive so why should he start now that he was dead?

Instead Mulligan relied on Guinness stout and Jameson whiskey for his sustenance- the same liquid sustenance that kept him going when he was alive and the same sustenance that kept him going now that he was one of the living dead.

Besides mortals kind of got pissed off at zombies for wanting to eat their brains although admittedly in this decade of heavy social media usage, the objections were no longer as vigorous as they used to be.

Mulligan was useful at the auction because he frightened off all the other bidders who wanted to bid on the Churchillian bottle of brandy.

Dashwood Forrest won the bidding and presented the bottle of brandy to a very happy Renfield R. Renfield .

Renfield sat in his Parliamentary office with his bottle of brandy, his recently acquired marble bust of Sir Winston Churchill and his recently acquired oil painting of Sir Winston Churchill (that hung on the far wall adjacent to his desk).

Renfield opened the bottle of brandy, poured some into his glass and then held it up to the painting in a toast.

Sir Winston Churchill then walked out of the painting and sat in the chair across from Renfield.

“You know what the saddest part about being a ghost is for me?” Churchill sighed, “Not being able to smoke a cigar or drink a brandy.”

Renfield looked down at his glass of brandy.

It must be pretty potent stuff Renfield thought to himself.

He hadn’t even took a sip of it yet and already he was starting to see things.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 11th
2017.

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Dashwood Forrest and Pan Goatee In Calgary

March 29, 2017 at 5:30 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“What a place totally devoid of culture,” Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde of the 21st Century said to his Undead butler and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked. He had only spent less than 24 hours in the city and he was already forgetting how to recite Irish ballads and poetry.

“I imagine if one were looking for culture and learning in Calgary, one would probably only find it among certain people living in homeless shelters in a city such as this,” Dashwood Forrest sipped on his chocolate milkshake.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie nodded, “and what extremely ugly women seem to live in this city. I’ve never seen such fat ugly looking specimens.”

Mulligan the Undead promptly died again as he looked out the window and saw the walking specimens of ghastly horror.

Mulligan’s last words before dying a second time were, “Genesis 6 would have never happened had the angels landed in Calgary instead of the Middle East. There would have been no rise of the Nephilim because the sons of God would not have found the daughters of men attractive.”

“Truer last words were never spoken, Mulligan,” Forrest acknowledged, “with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde’s last words spoken in his room, “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.” It’s amazing how unattractive interior decorating can lead to deaths of great geniuses. To say nothing of how unattractive exterior decorating can lead to the death of one’s valet.”

Dashwood Forrest thought of calling South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo on his mobile phone and get him to chant a spell to bring Mulligan back from the dead.

He thought he’d wait a while however until they had left Calgary.

Forrest was in a quandary however. Even though he was gay, the site of such repulsive ugly looking members of the opposite sex waddling around and fender bumping their broomsticks in public was enough to kill one’s libido faster than taking a cold shower in a U.S. Army barracks.

Forrest removed a classical ancient Greek olive oil lamp from his jacket pocket.

The lamp had been a gift from his good friend Ivanka Trump for favours rendered.

If he remembered his Arabian Nights folklore correctly, Aladdin used a magic lamp to summon a genie.

Maybe he could rub this lamp and summon a genie to bump off all these ugly women.

Dashwood Forrest rubbed the lamp.

Pan Goatee appeared.

“How the Hell did I get from an Orson Welles repertory film festival in Washington D.C. (where strangely enough I was the only one in the theatre) to a milk shake bar in what looks to be the city of Calgary- the city of gay cowboys- not surprising given the overall unattractiveness of the women here,” the genetically created satyr serial killer scratched his head.

“I do most humbly apologize, my good man,” Dashwood Forrest bowed, “or rather my good satyr, I was hoping to summon a genie but you’ll do. I was wondering if you could slay these ugly women for me.”

“Happy to oblige,” Pan Goatee took out his astrally projected laser machete and walked out the door where he proceeded to behead ugly women left, right and center.

Pan Goatee’s aesthetically oriented mercy killing actions led to Mulligan the Irish Zombie coming back from the dead.

“Why did we come to Calgary anyways?” Mulligan asked Dashwood Forrest.

“To see Lake Louise in the Blue Canadian Rockies to celebrate Dame Vera Lynn’s 100th Birthday earlier this month,” Dashwood Forrest explained.

“Then let’s go see Lake Louise and go,” Mulligan pleaded.

“An excellent idea,” Forrest said, “go outside and hail a taxi for us, will you?”.

As the Michael Jackson song Thriller played in the background on the old milkshake bar diner’s jukebox, Mulligan the Irish zombie ran outside and did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 29th
2017.

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