Weird California Duo Calls For Saintly Canonization of Charles Manson

September 18, 2022 at 10:58 pm (Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Actress Sharon Tate appears in an episode of The Beverley Hillbillies.

Sadly Miss Tate was one of 7 people to die in the murderous rampage carried out by brainwashed followers of homicidal hippy commune leader Charles Manson in California during the summer of ’69.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was reading a waterproof library book on Sharon Tate and the Charles Manson Helter Skelter murders.

He then turned out the light and went to bed.

He then had a dream (or was it a vision?) of a weird California duo calling upon Pope Francis’ Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a saint.

The weird California duo was none other than California Gov. Gavin Newsom and his aunt-in-law Nancy Pelosi.

Said Gov. Newsom at a press conference, “I call upon Pope Francis and his Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”

“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Shouted Nancy Pelosi.

Reporters of the mainstream media vigourously applauded Gov. Newsom after he made his announcement.

A reporter from Rebel News Canada however asked the question, “Why do you think Charles Manson should be canonized?”.

Members of the mainstream media and Gov. Newsom and Nancy Pelosi turned and scowled at the reporter from Rebel News Canada.

“Well as you know,” Gov. Newsom snarled, “According to the greatest oracle of our time Bill Gates, the world’s biggest problem is that there are too many people living on our planet. And Charles Manson killed people. Thus he was doing a tremendous favour for Mother Earth aka Gaia aka Pachamama.”

“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Nancy Pelosi exclaimed.

“Earlier this evening, I signed an Executive Order granting Charles Manson a posthumous pardon for what in those unenlightened times were considered crimes,” Newsom grinned while members of the mainstream media applauded and shouted with glee.

“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi batted her purple coloured eyelashes

“I have also asked the California State Legislature to pass a bill issuing a formal apology to Charles Manson for all those years the State of California so wrongly kept him behind bars,” Newsom went on.

“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi smiled oblivious to the fact that her wig was coming off.

Pelosi herself approached the podium, “I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Representatives calling upon both Houses of Congress to call upon President Biden to sign an Executive Order calling upon Pope Francis and the Vatican to immediately canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”

“Amen, hallelujah, Aunt,” Gov. Gavin Newsom ejaculated behind her.

Nancy Pelosi wiped the back of her skirt.

They then smiled and waved at the cheering assembly of reporters.

Michelangelo’s dream (or was it a vision?) continued.

He was on a plane with an assemblage of reporters covering Pope Francis on one of his many plane trips.

Of course aboard a plane in front of reporters was where Pope Francis usually issued his stupidest statements.

Michelangelo wondered what the purpose of this particular plane trip was.

He read the statement from the Pope’s private secretary.

The plane was flying to the North Pole so Pope Francis could tell that jolly old elf Santa Claus and all his reindeer and toy making little elves to get on board and sign on the dotted line to sign up for the Astana Kazakhstan 7th InterFaith Congress Plan For A Global One World Religion.

So far the reporters aboard the plane had not yet read the private secretary’s statement as they were all sloshed out of their minds.

However the Cardinal accompanying the Pope on this trip had just read the travel statement written up by the Pope’s private secretary.

He grabbed the pontiff and hauled him into the washroom where he gently broke the news to Francis that there was no such thing as Santa Claus.

The Pope could be heard blubbering aloud and sobbing for the next 80 minutes.

The Cardinal told the media that the plane would be turning around and heading back to Rome.

Francis then told the press that he was now open to questions.

CNN’s Don Lemon asked Francis, “What do you think of California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s call that Charles Manson should be immediately canonized?”.

“I think this is an excellent idea,” Francis grinned, “Charles Manson was a great man. He was all about free love and drugs and rock and roll. In this he reflected the values of the Aquarian Age. And according to former Dominican priest and current Episcopalian priest Matthew Fox and his witch medium Miriam Starhawk the Age of Aquarius officially began on December 21st 2020 just as the Coronavirus vaccines were about to roll out. And we need a Saint for this new Aquarian Age heralding the end of the Age of Pisces. Who better than Charles Manson?”.

“A follow up question,” said Lemon, “When will you canonize Charles Manson?”.

“Well I don’t think we need reports of a miracle performed in his name to get him canonized,” the Pope went on, “Requiring a miracle or miracles is so pre-Vatican II. We need to get up to date. I think I’ll canonize him tomorrow. I’ll declare him a Servant of God at 6:00 AM. Then I’ll declare him venerable (worthy of veneration) at 9:00 AM. Then I’ll beatify him (declare him blessed) at 12 Noon. Then I’ll canonize him (declare him a Saint) at 3:00 PM.”

“3:00 PM?” A reporter from Rebel News Canada piped up, “Wasn’t that the hour Christ died upon the Cross?”.

“I don’t know,” Francis shrugged, “Was it?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 18th
2022.

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