Napoleon Bonaparte and Maria Orsic In The Elysian Fields

February 13, 2020 at 11:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Napoleon Bonaparte and Maria Orsic In The Elysian Fields

Napoleon Bonaparte aka Emperor Napoleon I of the French was walking through the Elysian Fields.

Persephone, who had some sympathy for the Little Corporal from Corsica, had persuaded her husband Hades to allow this.

Napoleon had spent a great deal of time roasting away on a spit in Purgatory until the foul crimes done in his days of nature were burnt and purged away.

Various gods and demons had debated what should be done with Napoleon. Was he a hero? Was he a scoundrel?

Trouble was he was a mixture of both. Hence the reason for the debate on his destination.

Come Judgement Day at the end of the world, Napoleon’s fate would ultimately be decided by Jesus Christ The Lord, Creator and King of the Cosmos.

Until that day, his locale was a subject of intense debate.

Unlike Lenin and Stalin who were busy roasting away in Tartarus the deepest and most fiery part of Hades/Sheol.

Odin had offered Napoleon a seat at a table in Valhalla even though the Emperor hadn’t died in battle but had died from eating a poisoned fish on the island of Saint Helena.

However the Germanic warriors, heroes and kings in the hall couldn’t stand the thought of a Frenchman being in their midst so they had raised vigorous objections (the Norse warriors and heroes in the hall were still trying to recover from having eaten Loki’s lutefisk recipe so they had no opinion on the subject one way or the other).

Odin did try to point out that Napoleon’s ancestral background was in fact Italian as Corsica (the island of his birth) had been ruled by Italian states until the Genoese ceded Corsica to the French King Louis XV in 1768.

However the Germans were having none of that.

And so Persephone had arranged for Napoleon to walk through the Elysian Fields.

It was while walking through the Elysian Fields that Napoleon had happened to run into Maria Orsic.

The immortal Austro-Croatian German medium had been sleep walking and had almost fallen into a River.

Napoleon had called out to the gods for help but they were currently on a lunch, beer, mead and wine break.

The French Emperor managed to bring Maria Orsic back to consciousness by reciting the Ave Maria in Latin.

A Vatican II cardinal roasting away on his barbecue spit not far away objected strenuously.

Maria came to and found herself in the arms of Napoleon.

Maria Orsic was a famous medium who later became the leader of the German Vril Society.

She was born on October 31st 1895 in Zagreb, Croatia.

Her father was Croatian and her mother was an Austrian from Vienna.

Her father Tomislav Orsic was an architect who worked in Zagreb.

During a trip to Vienna in 1894,
Tomislav met a beautiful young ballerina named Sabine.

They fell in love and married shortly after.

Their daughter Maria was born a year later.

Maria moved to Munich Bavaria in 1919.

That same year she founded the Vril Society along with a group of 8 other beautiful women who kept their hair very long.

They believed their long hair acted as cosmic antennae to receive communication from aliens on other worlds.

A group of demons (at the urging of Mephistopheles) had appeared to Maria and claimed to be Aryan aliens living on Alpha Centauri in the Aldebaran system.

They claimed to have visited Earth in the past and settled in Sumeria and the word Vril was formed from the ancient Sumerian word Vri-iL (meaning “like god” or “god like”).

The mediums passed secrets on Vril energy to the Nazis.

When the Third Reich surrendered on May 8th 1945, Maria Orsic fled Germany with Vril energy papers in her briefcase.

And the next thing she knew, she found herself in the arms of Napoleon in the Elysian Fields.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Thursday February 13th
2020.

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215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

December 2, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

It was 215 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned as Emperor of the French in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Pope Pius VII had held the crown at the coronation ceremony in Notre Dame but Napoleon grabbed the crown from the pontiff and crowned himself Emperor of The French.

The Kraken Napoleon VI (who was a huge admirer of the original Emperor Napoleon I) decided to mark the occasion by having himself crowned Emperor of the French again.

He had himself crowned Emperor of the French by the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 2015.

But no one in the French government or any voters among the French electorate recognized the Imperial Coronation much to the Kraken’s disappointment.

Of course on this particular occasion Notre Dame Cathedral was now closed to the public since the April fire in the cathedral earlier this year.

And the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral attended classes on the Quran every Monday night so he was unable to attend for the Kraken’s re-coronation service this evening.

So the Kraken decided to hold his re-coronation ceremony (marking the original Napoleon’s 215th year of coronation) in front of Paris’ famous Arc de Triomphe.

He wore neo-Napoleonic French Imperial robes designed by the House of Chanel to easily accommodate his 8 arms.

He hired a stork (who had tired of the baby delivering business) to fly down and deposit the Crown of Napoleon I on his head after fireworks had gone off and the Orchestre de Paris had finished played a stirring rendition of La Marseillaise as well as the theme music from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy.

The ceremony went off without a hitch.

Donald Trump, who was currently in London for tomorrow’s 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO, watched the coronation ceremony on British television.

Trump thought to himself, “I really should have myself crowned Emperor of America.”

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was likewise in London for the 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO.

He had recently heard the good news from CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) that a pair of time travellers had gone back in time and rescued his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered by PRC Ministry of State Security operatives on Xi Jinping’s orders.

Justin Trudeau had heard that Strawberry Fields Forever was currently being kept on the colossal London estate of the Egyptian billionaire Set who owned the multi-billion dollar research and development firm Set Enterprises.

Trudeau directed the Canadian Embassy car to be driven to the Set mansion so he could re-unite with his old friend Strawberry Fields Forever.

However Justin did not announce his visit and the Embassy car was set upon by the Set Estate’s guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore who tore the Rolls-Royce limousine apart with her claws.

She then set out after the Canadian Prime Minister and the Embassy chauffeur.

The Embassy chauffeur managed to escape.

Justin wasn’t so lucky.

He had his clothes ripped off by Nefertiti Galore’s claws.

He was then arrested by Scotland Yard police for exposing himself on the streets of London.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu were in London and were walking back from a service commemorating the victims of last Friday’s London Bridge attack.

Renfield happened to walk in the way of Donald Trump who happened to be exiting his limousine.

Trump who thought Renfield could be as easily pushed around as the Prime Minister of Montenegro a couple of years back pushed Renfield out of the way.

Big mistake on Trump’s part.

Renfield turned around and punched Trump in the head sending his golden urine coloured toupee flying 50 feet down the street.

Secret Service agents tackled Renfield to the ground thinking he was an assassin.

Big mistake on the Secret Service agents’ part.

Mei-ling Manchu moved quickly into action and used her martial arts skills to kick and send all of the Secret Service agents flying over the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

A dirigible flying above the dome carried John Donne’s message, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd 
2019.

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Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary

August 15, 2019 at 10:00 pm (History, Music, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary 

Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.

To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.

Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.

Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,

“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”

Everyone whistled and applauded.

The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.

The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).

His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).

Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.

At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.

Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.

Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.

Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).

He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.

He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.

“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.

His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.

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Meng Wanzhou and The Strange Case of The Yankee Idiot Who Poked A Sleeping Dragon In The Eye

January 28, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )


Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou, the Chinese telecom giant Huawei and its affiliates in the U.S. and Hong Kong have had 13 criminal charges filed against them by the U.S. Department of Justice.

Earlier today, America’s bald non-toupee wearing (as opposed to the Twitterer-In-Chief) Acting Attorney-General Matthew Whitaker announced 13 criminal charges against Meng and other Huawei executives.

The BBC sent its news anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield about the story.

As Geeta sat there in an arm chair and looked at her notes, MP Renfield sat in a hot tub smoking a cigar, drinking a bottle of l’Hertier de Jean Fremicourt brandy and getting blow jobs from 3 very sexy and shapely Japanese Dragon Sister porn stars.

“You know,” Renfield remarked as he blew smoke rings, “the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill often tells me that he wished he had thought of this in his mortal life time.”

“Well yes, moving right along now,” Geeta smoothed her skirt and looked at the monitor, “what is your first comment on the U.S. government’s formal charges against Meng and Huawei?”.

“Jesus Christ,” Renfield gasped.

He then looked at Geeta, “But in answer to your question, I’d first like to comment on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s firing of John McCallum the Canadian Ambassador to China this past weekend for telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the whole Meng Wanzhou affair. This is proof positive that “Truth and diplomacy do not walk together hand in hand” to quote that new adage I just coined.”

“I notice,” Geeta read from her notes as Renfield sat there in the hot tub with an immensely huge smile on his face, “that China’s state-run Global Times newspaper has called the government in Ottawa a “frightened bird” and used a rather colourful ancient Chinese folk saying to describe Canada’s “immoral actions”. ”

“And what was the rather colourful ancient Chinese folk saying?” Renfield asked as he once again rose to the occasion.

” “You cannot live the life of a whore and expect a monument to your chastity” the unnamed author of the op-ed apparently wrote,” Geeta answered in reply to Renfield’s question.

“Gees, that’s pretty damned good,” Renfield bit off the end of his cigar, “I wish I had said that.”

“You will, Rennie, you will,” one of the female Japanese porn stars giggled as she paraphrased a statement that the artist Whistler had once made to Oscar Wilde.

“No monument for you,” Renfield looked down at her as he ate a bowl of Argentinian chicken soup prepared by a soup Nazi.

“So what of today’s U.S. announcement?” Geeta asked as she tried to keep a straight face.

“Well, the U.S. is a collapsing empire that’s too stupid and historically illiterate to realize that it’s a collapsing empire,” Renfield sipped on a Tequila Sunrise that contained a swizzle stick with a miniature Union Jack on it, “while China on the other hand is a rapidly ascendant rapidly rising re-emergent world empire. So we all know how this will end. Napoleon Bonaparte who was a true genius (unlike the bozos in the Trump Administration) noted that China was a sleeping dragon and it is best to let sleeping dragons sleep. So what does America the modern day Whore of Babylon do to a sleeping dragon? She pokes it in the eye. And so now America will fall like a rag doll knocked off the shelf by a raging bull in a China shop. And no monuments will be built to her chastity after she falls.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 28th
2019.

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Napoleon’s 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

August 15, 2013 at 6:19 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 244th  Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, “Well if people really want, I’ll gladly become King of Syria again.”

At the moment he spoke those words,  a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

                 .            .             .

At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.

For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.

                  .            .            .

The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley’s hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP’s displeasure.

Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.

Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.

He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .

He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top)  bent over to light them all.

Napoleon’s ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.

But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.

A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.

                      .          .           .

Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.

Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday August 15th
 2013.

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Magog Meets Napoleon’s Ghost

August 9, 2013 at 11:20 pm (The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Magog Meets Napoleon’s Ghost

Since representatives of the Egyptian Army, interim government and Muslim Brotherhood all refused to meet Magog Rhys Petley, he decided to do the touristy thing and go see the Pyramids.

It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.

Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.

There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.

Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.

“I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte,” the figure spoke.

“Of course you are,” Magog sighed.

Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.

“I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, ” Napoleon explained.

“Of course he did,” Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.

“As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world,”  Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.

“Of course he did,” Magog’s eyes glazed  over into oblivion, “the Olympian’s knowledge of history doesn’t extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?”.

“His directive confused me too,” Napoleon admitted, “especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld’s River of Forgetfulness the  River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn’t what it used to be.”

“No of course not, ”  Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing,  “Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger… a very special stranger…”

“So I’ve returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here,” Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy,  “plus it’s also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I’ve returned to this land of my first major defeat.”

“That was August 1798 wasn’t it?” Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.

“Maybe this will help restore my memory,” Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy,  “the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th 2013

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