215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

December 2, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

It was 215 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned as Emperor of the French in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Pope Pius VII had held the crown at the coronation ceremony in Notre Dame but Napoleon grabbed the crown from the pontiff and crowned himself Emperor of The French.

The Kraken Napoleon VI (who was a huge admirer of the original Emperor Napoleon I) decided to mark the occasion by having himself crowned Emperor of the French again.

He had himself crowned Emperor of the French by the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 2015.

But no one in the French government or any voters among the French electorate recognized the Imperial Coronation much to the Kraken’s disappointment.

Of course on this particular occasion Notre Dame Cathedral was now closed to the public since the April fire in the cathedral earlier this year.

And the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral attended classes on the Quran every Monday night so he was unable to attend for the Kraken’s re-coronation service this evening.

So the Kraken decided to hold his re-coronation ceremony (marking the original Napoleon’s 215th year of coronation) in front of Paris’ famous Arc de Triomphe.

He wore neo-Napoleonic French Imperial robes designed by the House of Chanel to easily accommodate his 8 arms.

He hired a stork (who had tired of the baby delivering business) to fly down and deposit the Crown of Napoleon I on his head after fireworks had gone off and the Orchestre de Paris had finished played a stirring rendition of La Marseillaise as well as the theme music from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy.

The ceremony went off without a hitch.

Donald Trump, who was currently in London for tomorrow’s 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO, watched the coronation ceremony on British television.

Trump thought to himself, “I really should have myself crowned Emperor of America.”

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was likewise in London for the 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO.

He had recently heard the good news from CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) that a pair of time travellers had gone back in time and rescued his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered by PRC Ministry of State Security operatives on Xi Jinping’s orders.

Justin Trudeau had heard that Strawberry Fields Forever was currently being kept on the colossal London estate of the Egyptian billionaire Set who owned the multi-billion dollar research and development firm Set Enterprises.

Trudeau directed the Canadian Embassy car to be driven to the Set mansion so he could re-unite with his old friend Strawberry Fields Forever.

However Justin did not announce his visit and the Embassy car was set upon by the Set Estate’s guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore who tore the Rolls-Royce limousine apart with her claws.

She then set out after the Canadian Prime Minister and the Embassy chauffeur.

The Embassy chauffeur managed to escape.

Justin wasn’t so lucky.

He had his clothes ripped off by Nefertiti Galore’s claws.

He was then arrested by Scotland Yard police for exposing himself on the streets of London.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu were in London and were walking back from a service commemorating the victims of last Friday’s London Bridge attack.

Renfield happened to walk in the way of Donald Trump who happened to be exiting his limousine.

Trump who thought Renfield could be as easily pushed around as the Prime Minister of Montenegro a couple of years back pushed Renfield out of the way.

Big mistake on Trump’s part.

Renfield turned around and punched Trump in the head sending his golden urine coloured toupee flying 50 feet down the street.

Secret Service agents tackled Renfield to the ground thinking he was an assassin.

Big mistake on the Secret Service agents’ part.

Mei-ling Manchu moved quickly into action and used her martial arts skills to kick and send all of the Secret Service agents flying over the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

A dirigible flying above the dome carried John Donne’s message, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd 
2019.

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The Kraken Visits A Christmas Market

November 24, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Kraken Visits A Christmas Market 

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (because he hoped someday to become Emperor of France) and his wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) decided to head north across the border into Germany to visit one of the famous German Christmas markets.

They rented a one horse open sleigh for their journey.

As they journeyed north, the Kraken wearing red and white and a false white beard waved and said, “Ho, ho, ho” at all the passers-by.

“Mommy,” said one little girl, “I didn’t know Santa had 8 arms.”

“He has to in order to handle 8 reindeer,” her mother answered.

They soon came to a very beautiful Bavarian village with a Christmas market.

The Kraken exited the sleigh and posed for pictures with various people who were anxious to increase the likes on their Instagram accounts.

Medusa went shopping for candles and ornaments.

The Kraken then went over to a mulled wine stand and spent a great deal of time imbibing.

“Hic! Hic! Hic!” The Kraken said as he walked (or more accurately stumbled) his way towards the Christmas market central square to meet up with Medusa.

Playing at the gazebo bandstand in the Christmas market central square was the noted Norwegian jazz singer Olaf Fjordson.

His orchestra consisting of a jazz pianist, a jazz saxophonist, a jazz guitarist and a jazz violinist was behind him.

Olaf Fjordson and His Jazz Orchestra normally played the very popular wintertime jazz cafe Frozen North Orleans on the island of Spitsbergen, a jazz cafe that had been frequented by such notables as Orson Welles, Pablo Picasso, Howard Hughes and his biographer Clifford Irving.

They had been flown in from Spitsbergen to open the town’s Christmas market.

The jazz pianist was on stage trying to scrape the icicles off his piano keys.

The jazz saxophonist was holding his saxophone over an open fire as ice fell out of the mouthpiece.

The jazz guitarist was likewise scraping ice off his strings.

The jazz violinist was sitting on stage with his hands tied behind his back as his Australian Ernievarius violin (made out of winter tires) sat on his lap and therefore was not being played (for which the Christmas market crowds should be truly thankful).

As such, jazz singer Olaf Fjordson was currently singing a capella.

Sang Fjordson,

I feel it in my fingers 
I feel it in my toes 
Frostbite’s all around me 
And so the feeling grows…

After singing this last line, Fjordson immediately started screaming his head off like a heavy metal singer in concert.

“That Fjordson seems to have an extensive range when it comes to varieties of musical genre,” the Kraken remarked to Medusa.

“He does indeed,” Medusa agreed.

The Kraken then checked his 8 Rolex watches and noticed that it was time for them to head off in the direction of Berlin where they were due for a midnight banquet with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

As they left, they noticed a World War I Sopwith Camel (that had flown the jazz orchestra from Spitsbergen to the Bavarian village Christmas market) being de-iced along with the pilot – a beagle wearing a World War I flying ace’s cap and goggles.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Sunday November 24th
2019.

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Norse Goddess Freya, Dracul Van Helsing, Boris Johnson and The Kraken

September 16, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Norse Goddess Freya, Dracul Van Helsing, Boris Johnson and The Kraken

The Norse goddess Freya was on the phone talking to Dracul Van Helsing

“Did you see that empty podium next to the Prime Minister of Luxembourg Xavier Bettel at what was supposed to be the press conference between him and Boris Johnson discussing Brexit?”

“And Dracul, you say the reason Johnson avoided the press conference was because the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist MEP The Kraken Napoleon VI had a two for the price of one Buffet coupon that was about to expire in another hour and the Kraken had invited Johnson for lunch?”

“Sure, do come over to my place, Dracul.”

“I’m always up for tantric sex, anytime, anywhere.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Monday September 16th
2019.

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Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary

August 15, 2019 at 10:00 pm (History, Music, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary 

Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.

To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.

Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.

Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,

“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”

Everyone whistled and applauded.

The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.

The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).

His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).

Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.

At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.

Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.

Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.

Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).

He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.

He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.

“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.

His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.

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Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

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The Kraken In Ethiopia

July 3, 2019 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Kraken In Ethiopia

After being sworn in as a Member of the European Parliament yesterday along with his wife Medusa and his British Transhumanist friends Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana, the Kraken and leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party Napoleon VI was currently in Addis Ababa Ethiopia.

Unlike members of the Brexit Party who showed bad taste and bad form by turning their backs on the European Union anthem as it was played in the European Parliament, the British Transhumanist and French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance MEPs did not do that.

Of course the Kraken, Medusa, Renfield and Morgana were all big fans of Beethoven and his Ode To Joy anyways so naturally they wouldn’t do that.

What brought the Kraken to Ethiopia was that the cyborg octopus Napoleon VI was hoping to upstage his French political rival Emmanuel Macron.

It had come to the Kraken’s attention that Macron was terribly fearful that Donald Trump’s lavish Washington DC 4th of July parade planned for tomorrow might well upstage the French President’s own Paris Bastille Day parade that would be held later this month.

However it had come to Macron’s attention that the famed Ark of the Covenant (made famous by Moses the Prophet and later Steven Spielberg) might possibly be residing in a monastery church in Aksum Ethiopia.

If Macron could convince the monk guardian of the Ark to temporarily loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day parade, this would definitely upstage Trump and his hair raising toupee.

The Kraken, finding out about Macron’s plan, decided to go to Ethiopia himself and beat Macron’s Intelligence Service to the punch by tracking down the monk guardian of the Ark and asking him to loan it to France for this year’s Bastille Day Parade.

The Kraken visualized himself returning to Paris with a hero’s welcome as he got off the plane carrying the Ark of the Covenant in his 8 arms.

The Kraken however did not know anyone in Ethiopia who could guide him to the monastery.

Dracul Van Helsing however was friends with the Ethiopian Princess Ayesha (a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba) whom he had met in Jerusalem earlier this year.

Van Helsing had arranged for the Kraken to meet Princess Ayesha after arriving in Addis Ababa and Her Highness would take the Kraken to the monastery church in Aksum.

The Kraken went to meet Ayesha on the rooftop of her house in Addis Ababa.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 3rd
2019.

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Dracul and Semiramis In Paris

May 26, 2019 at 9:43 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris waiting for the European Parliament election results to come in.

He phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was in London.

“Hi, Renfield,” Dracul greeted him, “How’s your party doing?”.

“We’re ahead of the Conservatives,” Renfield was already on his 10th cognac in celebration, “so we’ll be sending a few MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels. Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party has done the best so that must have been one lucky milkshake that some protester doused him with. How is the Kraken’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party doing?.”

“Well given the results so far, the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party will be sending at least 2 MEPs to Strasbourg and Brussels,” Dracul looked at the television screen inside the cafe.

“So that means the Kraken Napoleon VI himself and his wife Medusa will be sitting in the European Parliament,” Renfield lit himself a cigar.

“That will be the case,” Dracul admitted, “Have you heard how Theresa May is taking the results?”.

“According to the gypsy fortune teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia whom I ran into earlier tonight,” Renfield replied, “She says she saw Theresa May drowning her sorrows in a pub accompanied by the ghost of an 18th Century pirate.”

“Well, she’s one up on Margaret Thatcher then,” Dracul ordered a Napoleon brandy, “I don’t think the Iron Lady ever did that.”

“No, I don’t think so either,” Renfield considered the possibility, “The closest she ever got was when she said to Argentine President General Galtieri over the Falkland Islands Malvinas, your place or mine?”.

“The Kraken arrived in the cafe about an hour ago,” Dracul noticed the large octopus was downing champagne by the bucketloads, “He just got in from Tel Aviv. While there, he was told by Miranda the mermaid that sinister forces have developed a flesh eating killer seaweed designed to destroy France. Of course the Kraken already encountered that sinister piece of future sushi wrapping when he left Marseille for Tel Aviv yesterday.”

In the restaurant where Renfield was sitting, he ordered some sushi rolls from the waitress upon hearing this news.

“So, what’s new with you?” Renfield asked the vampire hunter.

“Well, a few days ago, I was kidnapped by the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis while sitting in a Paris movie theatre attending a large screen showing of the movie Casablanca,” Dracul recalled.

“That must have been exciting,” Renfield was pleased by the restaurant’s quick delivery of the sushi rolls.

“It was,” Dracul smiled.

“What did she want?” Renfield said as he dove into the sushi rolls with his chopsticks.

“She wanted me to give her King Arthur’s battle banner on which was an image of a red dragon the famous Red Dragon Banner whose image is actually able to breathe fire in battle,” Dracul stated.

“And did you give it to her?” Renfield inquired.

“Oh, I gave it to her all right,” Dracul smiled again, “But not the Red Dragon Banner. That’s a family heirloom.”

“Well, I see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill are walking in through the door to join me in celebration,” Renfield finished his sushi rolls, “so I better go. Have a good night.”

“You too, my friend,” Dracul put his smartphone back in his pocket.

He looked towards a corner booth in the cafe and noticed Semiramis the legendary former Queen of Babylon sitting there.

As often happened when Dracul Van Helsing encountered goddesses and legendary queens, the setting had changed to black and white.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 26th
2019.

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The Kraken Rises Off Israel

May 25, 2019 at 9:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.

It was from Miranda the mermaid.

It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.

“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.

It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.

The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.

Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.

The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.

The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.

From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.

The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.

It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.

The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.

After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.

The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.

He dove and then rose again.

As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.

Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.

. . .

A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.

Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.

Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.

Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.

The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.

The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.

Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.

The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”

. . .

Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.

In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.

As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.

A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.

The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.

His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.

Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.

He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.

What did the god of surprises have in store for him?

With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.

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The Kraken Meets The Ghost of Orson Welles In Paris

May 23, 2019 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Voting in the European Parliament elections had begun today and would continue until May 26th.

The Kraken Napoleon VI, leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party, sat in the Quasimodo Cafe and calmly sipped Lemon Tea and dipped potato chips into Sour Cream and Onion Chip Dip as he awaited the first of the results to come in.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgonism by Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) sat calmly painting her fingernails a lovely Moulin Rouge.

The ghost of Orson Welles (who sat across from Medusa and the Kraken) recalled how his late former wife Rita Hayworth had once performed the Can Can (to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Orpheus In The Underworld) with her fingers while wearing a pair of black leather gloves.

The performance was considered too hot to handle and was not included in Miss Hayworth’s 1946 film Gilda.

“Johnny, be good,” an impromptu line spoken by Miss Hayworth was also edited out of the film.

“Did you ever consider running for political office when you were alive?” The Kraken asked Welles’ ghost.

“Well, Democratic Party organizers in Wisconsin the state of my birth did ask me to consider running as their candidate for the U.S. Senate in Wisconsin in 1946 but I declined,” Welles sipped a nice spectral glass of spectral red wine, “something that I regretted later as my Republican opponent would have been none other than Joe McCarthy. U.S. political history might have been different had I chosen to run.”

“There’s the Egyptian vampiress Isis,” Medusa spoke critically as the Egyptian vampiress walked through the door wearing a French flag tricoloured evening dress.

“Did you know Isis was the model for Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s Statue of Liberty?” Welles recounted aloud some knowledge he had uncovered during his time spent in Purgatory.

“I’d heard that,” the Kraken ordered a cognac from the waiter.

“Isis is backing Emmanuel Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Medusa’s voice dripped with contempt like a lethal dose of snake venom.

“I think Freemasons generally support the idea of a fully integrated European Union,” Welles lit a spectral cigar, “and since both Isis and Osiris are the prevalent deities worshipped in a lot of Masonic lodges around the world, it’s no surprise that Isis and the Masons would share a similar political viewpoint.”

“I still suspect our party will do well though,” the Kraken reached for 8 glasses of cognac with his 8 arms.

“I hear our ally across the Channel Renfield is doing well in most polls there,” Welles ordered a California wine much to the displeasure of the French waiter.

“He is,” the Kraken smiled, “I wonder how long he’ll be in the European Parliament before Brexit happens.”

“I imagine EU bureaucrats will be more sympathetic to the idea of a rapid Brexit to prevent Renfield from entering the European Parliament,” Welles brushed cigar ash out of his ghostly beard.

“I hear,” Medusa changed the subject, “that Prince Harry and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex were considering asking Renfield to be their son Archie Harrison’s godfather but that the Prince of Wales is strongly opposed to the idea.”

“That I heard as well,” Welles reached for the glass of Paul Masson Wine which was sold before its time, “and the Prince of Wales might have a point. Renfield could easily become the Falstaff to young Archie’s Prince Hal.”

On the other side of the cafe, the vampiress Isis ordered a Singapore Sling as she too waited for the first of the European Parliament election results.

Meanwhile in a Paris cinema, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was attending a large screen repertory showing of the 1942 film classic Casablanca.

Suddenly appearing on the screen in front of him was a scene he hadn’t recalled seeing before.

That’s because the black and white scene wasn’t part of the movie Casablanca.

It was the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis beckoning to him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 23rd
2019.

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Renfield, The Kraken and 120 Barrels of Rum

May 15, 2019 at 10:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Kraken Napoleon VI were on a yacht sailing from Normandy, France across the English Channel to England.

The pair would be attending a British Transhumanist/Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party Alliance rally for European Parliamentary elections on the beach where they’d land.

“I’m glad we’re sailing from Normandy and not Marseille,” the Kraken remarked as he read a newspaper, “apparently a giant piece of seaweed ate a whole bunch of people in the Old Port area of the city yesterday.”

“The world is getting crazier with each passing day,” Renfield pushed aside his sushi roll that he had been eating.

“How many barrels of rum have we got on board this yacht?” The Kraken asked.

“120,” Renfield answered.

“I better get started then,” the Kraken opened the first barrel, “we’ll probably be across the Channel before we know it.”

“I’ll join you in a few minutes,” Renfield commented, “I’ve currently got an interview via Skype with BBC News.”

The BBC interviewer asked Renfield, “Why was the attempted coup against Maduro in Venezuela a couple of weeks ago a failure?”.

“Because the U.S. government planned it and not myself,” Renfield humbly replied.

“Wise men say only fools rush in,” the Kraken, now on his 3rd barrel of rum, started singing an old Elvis Presley song while doing an impersonation of Elvis wearing an old medieval codpiece and gyrating his hips.

“How should a coup attempt against Maduro in Venezuela be planned?” The interviewer inquired of Renfield.

“Ma-tilda, Ma-tilda, she takes me money and run Venezuela,” The Kraken serenaded with an old Harry Belafonte song in the background as he started working on his 4th barrel of rum.

“It should be planned with brains and not Twitter tweets,” Renfield answered, “because as we know, there’s Hell toupee in the White House Oval Office.”

“And you’ll come a Waltzing Matilda with me,” the Kraken sang an old Australian outback song as he began his 5th barrel of rum.

“And what’s your opinion of the rising tensions between the U.S. and Iran in the Middle East?” The interviewer wanted to know.

“There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Sun,” the Kraken began air playing his imaginary guitar as he sang and worked on his 6th barrel of rum.

“Well, Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Sons of God,” Renfield replied, “I guess this means that warmongers such as John Bolton and Mike Pompeo are the sons of Satan.”

“That old black magic has me in its spell,” the Kraken sang an old Ella Fitzgerald song as he quickly worked his way from his 6th up to his 9th barrel of rum.

“Um… who’s that crazy octopus in the background?” The interviewer finally had to ask.

“He’s my French electoral coalition partner for the European Parliament elections,” Renfield smiled.

“For your eyes only, only for you,” the Kraken sang an old Sheena Easton song as he started taking his clothes off while doing a slow strip tease.

The English beach where the British Transhumanist/Aquarian Age Bonapartist Alliance rally was being held quickly started filling up with onlookers after the BBC interview with Renfield and sung commentary provided by the Kraken was televised.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 15th
2019.

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