Reblog of Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

December 9, 2018 at 9:34 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over 3 years ago called Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv- featuring two characters who have recently come back into my vampire novel after a long absence- the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI and Medusa the ex-Gorgon.

Dracul Van Helsing

Kraken Skatin’ In Tel Aviv

The cyborg octopus Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (he had been Italian sanity challenged scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of the cyborg/octopus he had prepared in his lab) stepped on to the shore of Tel Aviv, Israel.

Medusa (the former gorgon who had finally got rid of her snaky hairstyle thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber that he had invented) walked on water and then on to the shore wearing a beautiful aquamarine blue evening dress.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted an American Southern Baptist minister who was suntanning on the beach, “do you see that beautiful woman who can walk on water?”.

As the Baptist minister wrestled with himself over the most pressing theological question on his mind at the moment- whether or not masturbation was a sin- he failed to take notice of the Kraken who…

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What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

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Reblog of The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 4, 2018 at 11:01 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote 3 years ago about how the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI – A cyborg octopus with metallic tentacles – formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus and his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (now very beautiful looking since Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a radical haircut and cut all the snakes off her head) got themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral.


Medusa: So much sexier since she got rid of her millenia of bad hair days of viperous snakes and dandruff flakes

Dracul Van Helsing

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre…

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Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

February 26, 2018 at 11:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

Pope Francis was in his bedroom reading a book when suddenly the door opened and in walked a kraken.

“You’re a kraken?” Said Pope Francis who was somewhat startled 😱.

“That I am,” said the Kraken as he bowed, “I am the Kraken known as Napoleon VI the self-proclaimed Emperor of the French.”

“It seems to me that no one else has accepted your proclamation,” Francis wiped his glasses with a tissue.

“Sadly that is true,” the Kraken admitted as he sprayed underarm deodorant under all 8 of his tentacled arms, “but after a few years of Emmanuel Macron, I’m sure the French will come around to my way of thinking.”

“What do you want with me?” Asked Francis who was still slightly taken aback by the fact that there was a Kraken in his room.

“I hear that you have the original manuscripts of the Sibylline Prophecies in the Vatican Archives,” the Kraken helped himself to cheese and crackers off the papal night table, “I was wondering if you could give me written permission to visit the Vatican Archives so I can examine them.”

Pope Francis reached for a pen and a sheet of paper and then looked at the Kraken, “If I give you such written permission, do you promise to leave here quietly?”.

“I do,” the Kraken reached into his knapsack and pulled out 8 pairs of slippers, “and just to show you I have good faith, I’ll put these on now.”

The Kraken started putting the slippers on his 8 tentacled arms, “With these on, you won’t hear a single peep as I walk away from this room.”

“Relieved to hear it,” the Pope used a handkerchief to wipe sweat off his brow, “What do you want with the Sibylline Prophecies?”.

“I was listening to Coast-To-Coast AM with George Noory on short-wave radio last night,” the Kraken explained, “and the guest mentioned that there was a reference in the Sibylline Prophecies to a Kraken arising in the last days.”

“Really?” Pope Francis bit the end of his pen, “Isn’t that the Kraken of whom Zeus says “Release the Kraken!” at the end of time.”

“Oh, it’s that Kraken,” the self-proclaimed Emperor Napoleon VI looked disappointed, “I hear Zeus is keeping that Kraken in one of the Set Enterprises laboratory aquariums under the monitoring of Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”

“You mean to say the Greek god Zeus actually exists?” Pope Francis’ jaw dropped.

“Yes,” the Kraken Napoleon VI nodded vigorously, “Didn’t you know that one of your own Cardinals- the Cardinal JM- actually worships him in secret and prays to him all the time instead of the Catholic God of whom you said that there is no Catholic God.”

Pope Francis shook his head, “No, I had no idea that Cardinal JM was a Zeus worshipper.”

The Pope bit the end of his glasses thoughtfully.

“What are you thinking about?” The Kraken asked as he took the Vatican Archives entry permission slip with papal signature on it.

“I was just thinking maybe I should name Cardinal JM to be in charge of Vatican Inter-Faith and Inter-Religious Dialogue,” the Pontiff mused aloud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 26th
2018.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

November 17, 2017 at 6:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.

He was dreaming a dream about TV character Raymond Red Reddington from The Blacklist holding Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri hostage in Riyadh Saudi Arabia.

“Why are you doing this?” Saad Hariri asked Red, “I thought you were busy sharing a blacklist with law enforcement authorities in America in return for being allowed to keep your vast criminal empire. Why are you helping the Saudis?”.

“I owe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman a favour,” Red lit a cigar, “I have nothing against you personally.”

“Why do you owe the Crown Prince a favour?” Saad asked.

“Well I must admit it’s quite embarrassing,” Red brushed cigar ash off his trousers, “A couple of years ago I was in a Paris apartment getting the best blow job I had in my life from an extremely charming and beautiful young Saudi businesswoman Miss Fatima Suleiman when unexpectedly the Saudi Religious Police (who seem to have some trouble knowing where their jurisdiction lies) came bursting into the room. They were going to charge the charming Miss Fatima with adultery and take her back to Saudi Arabia where she’d be stoned (in a different sense of that word from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau inhaling too much pot smoke). I felt it would be a terrible tragedy for the world if it were to lose Fatima’s delicious lips of mass exhilaration. So I phoned Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and asked that he commute her sentence and that she be allowed to remain in Paris where she could continue to perform oral healing on me. His Highness agreed on condition that I owe him a favour which he could call in at any time.”

“What became of the Saudi Religious Police officers who witnessed Fatima’s actions?” Hariri inquired.

“His Highness drafted them into the Saudi Army and sent them to the front lines of Damascus to fight Bashar al-Assad’s forces where of course they were killed immediately,” Red poured himself a glass of bourbon.

“And the favour the Crown Prince called in was for you to hold me hostage and get me to resign as Prime Minister of Lebanon 🇱🇧?” Hariri was beginning to see the light.

Reddington quickly closed the blinds.

“That is correct,” Red finished his bourbon.

“So why is the Crown Prince now allowing me to fly to Paris at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron?” Saad asked.

“Beats me,” Reddington shrugged, “For myself, I’ve always been suspicious of any French male politician who wears more makeup 💄 than Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian sisters put together.”

“So it’s a mystery why I’m being allowed to fly to Paris, France 🇫🇷,”
Hariri noted.

“Well there are rumours that a few days ago a kraken calling himself Napoleon VI burst into Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace while His Highness was hosting a seafood banquet,” Reddington opened a tin of smoked oysters, “and after eating all the seafood, the kraken demanded that His Highness release you.”

“And so as a result of the kraken’s digestive actions, I’m now flying to Paris,” Saad Hariri was impressed.

“That appears to be the case,” Red started eating the oysters using chopsticks, “as for myself, I appear to have misplaced my fork.”

“Say, Red,” Hariri looked imploringly at Reddington, “what’s the address of Miss Fatima Suleiman’s apartment in Paris?”.

Michelangelo woke up and wondered how much of his dream was reality.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 17th
2017.

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Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

November 12, 2017 at 7:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

The kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part octopus and part robot) had been moping around the house ever since he lost the 1st round of the French Presidential election this past April coming in 12th of the 12 Presidential candidates running.

His wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) was getting sick of his constant moping and his constant bellyaching for a bellyaching kraken is not a pleasant sight.

“Why don’t you do something concrete?” Medusa scolded as she stood in her new Christian Dior evening gown and read a new book explaining the possible whereabouts of ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa, “Instead of constantly complaining, do something to get your name in the news. The French electorate are regretting having elected Emmanuel Macron President. Do something positive and praiseworthy and you’ll become famous and get elected President of France next time.”

“But what can I do?” Napoleon VI wondered which one of his 8 metallic tentacled arms he should use if he was ever invited to play golf with Donald Trump.

“Well, there’s talk of a possible war between Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and Iran 🇮🇷. Why don’t you see if you can’t bring peace between the two countries? Then you’ll be hailed as the great peacemaker,” Medusa adjusted her gown.

“I suppose I could,” Napoleon VI realized he’d probably have to skip the Monte Carlo Monopoly Game Board Tournament if he were to do that.

. . .

The two Bedouins riding on their camels 🐫 through the Arabian Desert were startled to see a giant octopus 🐙 parachuting out of a plane ✈️ and landing on the sands not far from them.

“I say,” the Kraken Napoleon VI spoke in a Monty Python style British accent thinking that this would make him more understandable to people who only spoke Arabic, “can you direct me to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace in Riyadh?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 12th
2017.

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Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

September 18, 2017 at 6:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK 🇬🇧 House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.

Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.

Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”

Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).

He continued.

“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini 🍸, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”

. . .

“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican 🇻🇦 Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).

. . .

In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book 📖 called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.

His smart phone went off and he answered it.

It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.

“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.

. . .

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A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down

September 9, 2017 at 6:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down

There are krakens and then there are krakens.

For example there is the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI.

In his mortal life, he had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus dying from a fatal disease so he had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part machine and part living octopus 🐙 (given a special serum of Kraken immortality that had been developed by Dr. Poseidon Prometheus’ British mad scientist friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher who had in his possession in a secret aquarium the Greek god Zeus’ own personal Kraken who is released into the world’s oceans 🌊 whenever Zeus shouts “Release the Kraken!”).

Prior to uploading his consciousness into the cyborg octopus body, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had also placed a portion of the brain of the original French Emperor Napoleon I (that he had in his possession) into the octopus’ brain.

Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had been a big admirer of both Emperor Napoleon I and Emperor Napoleon III so wanted a piece of Napoleonic brain before venturing forth into cyborg octopus immortality.

Shortly after he became a Kraken, Napoleon VI (as he now called himself) had met and fell in love 😍 with the ex-Gorgon Medusa whom Dr. Cadbury Rocher had recently revived from the dead having reunited her original head and her original body. Medusa had been restored to her original beauty after Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber (that he called Edward Scissorhands II) had given the Gorgon’s snake 🐍 ridden hairstyle 💁 a thorough cut and chopping.

Edward Scissorhands II had then applied a natural hair growth formula (that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had developed) to Medusa’s scalp and the now ex-Gorgon’s natural human hair grew back.

Napoleon VI had himself crowned Emperor of France 🇫🇷 as the Emperor Napoleon VI in Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral a couple of years ago with the papal blessing of Pope Francis for the coronation ceremony.

However the one hitch turned out to be that no one in France itself recognized the coronation.

To correct the situation, Napoleon VI and Medusa had started their own political party 🎉 in France the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party earlier this year.

The two member party 🎉 then nominated Napoleon VI as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President of France.

The plan was that when Napoleon VI was elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum asking the French people to elect him Emperor of the French.

But alas the best laid plans of Kraken and ex-Gorgon, they often go astray.

Napoleon VI wound up in 12th and last place of the 12 Presidential candidates running in the 1st round French Presidential election.

The heavy make-up wearing Emmanuel Macron then won the Presidency of France in the subsequent run-off election- a decision which the citizens of France 🇫🇷 had now come to regret.

They would have been better to choose calamari with their cheese 🧀 rather than a piece of rouge wearing white chocolate 🍫 macron.

Meanwhile over in the Caribbean, the North Korean ship The Red Scorpion 🦂 was transmitting a satellite broadcast of North Korean despot Kim Jong-un reciting aloud passages from a medieval Korean copy of The Necronomicon.

The Red Scorpion had entered the Caribbean on August 17th and had begun broadcasting aloud the Kim Jong-un oral readings from The Necronomicon (Medieval Korean edition) the same day that a then Tropical Storm ⛈ called Harvey had formed.

That day a Kraken called Uhluhtc had risen from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea 🌊 following Kim Jong-un’s readings from The Necronomicon.

Uhlucth’s thrashings had led to Harvey forming and then Irma forming and then Jose forming and then Katia forming.

And those were only from Uhlucth thrashing at the bottom of the sea.

Only the gods knew what storms would form as Uhlucth made his way to the top.

Meanwhile in Paris, the curtain came down after 30 seconds as Napoleon VI auditioned for the role of the Phantom in a Paris production of The Phantom of The Opera with the director screaming “Next!”.

Aboard the Red Scorpion, Captain Dragon Sun the ship’s head officer was watching the 1942 horror film The Cat People on his television when his phone went off.

Another Necronomicon satellite transmission from Pyongyang was coming through.

“Next!” The captain shouted to his ship’s communications officer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 8th
2017.

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Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

July 14, 2017 at 6:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron sat next to each other as they watched the Bastille Day parade on the Champs-Élysées.

Behind the two men, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart said to the ghost of Claude Rains, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

The previous evening Macron had taken Trump to dinner in the Jules Verne restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower with its spectacular view of Paris.

The individual Robur Pike who called himself Robur The Conquerer II sailed by in his helicopter airship The Albatross II and eavesdropped on the conversation.

When today’s parade was over, Macron took Trump back to a room in the French Presidential Palace where they continued their discussion.

Behind them (and oblivious to the two men) the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (who formerly had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus) swung on a chandelier directly above them.

The Kraken Napoleon VI’s wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgoness and her 10 million bad hair days and nights by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) stood at a table sipping champagne with U. S. First Lady Melania Trump.

Napoleon VI had run as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President in the first round French Presidential election a few months ago.

Since he had come in 12th and last place in that contest, he didn’t make it to the 2nd round which had been won by Mr. Macron.

As the Kraken swung from the chandelier above the heads of Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron, he sang his own personal paraphrased version of a popular World War I song,

Let every good fellow now join in our song,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Success to each other and pass it along,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Chorus:

Vive la, vive la
Vive l’amour.
Vive la, vive la,
vive l’amour.
Vive l’amour, vive l’amour,
Vive le Kraken eh?

A friend on your left and a friend on your right,
Vive le Kraken eh?
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Now wider and wider our circle expands,
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll sing to our comrades in far away lands
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

With friends all around us we’ll sing out our song
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll banish our troubles, it won’t take us long
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Should time or occasion compel us to part
Vive le Kraken eh?
These days shall forever enliven our heart
Vive le Kraken eh?

(At that point, the Kraken fell from the chandelier before he could sing the chorus for the final time)

The Kraken got up after falling and said crying 😭 in a Monty Python Mr. Gumby style voice, “I hit me head on the table.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 14th
2017.

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Renfield’s Analysis of The French Presidential Election

May 8, 2017 at 4:19 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was staying in the town of Tewkesbury where he was running as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party candidate in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

His friend Amadeus Emanon was up from London visiting him to see how the campaign was going.

“It’s an exciting dynamic campaign all around,” said Renfield as he sat next to the pub dog in the Nottingham Arms Pub in Tewkesbury. The dog yawned and fell asleep next to Renfield.

“What do you think of yesterday’s French Presidential election results?” Amadeus asked referring to centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron’s overwhelming victory in the Sunday May 7th 2017 French Presidential election.

“Well,” said Renfield while eating his tuna fish and scallop omelette, “it appears that the French people have elected a brown nosed butt kisser for the New World Order to be their new President.”

“I take it you don’t approve of the result,” Amadeus remarked with his usual sense of classic understatement.

“No,” Renfield broke wind sending the pub dog fleeing out the pub door, “it would have been much better if the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate the Kraken Napoleon VI had come in first instead of 12th and last in last month’s !st Presidential round of voting. And then won the Presidential election yesterday. But the French people were too stupid to do that. A pity really. The Kraken Napoleon VI could have declared himself Emperor of France and his wife the ex-Gorgon Medusa would have become Empress. With a 3rd French Empire and Imperial Court, we could have gotten rid of the inherent stupidity of French democracy once and for all.”

“French democracy is inherently stupid?” Amadeus asked as he ate his escargots.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded as he dug into his British steak and kidney pie, “you see there’s one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy.”

“And what’s the one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy?” Amadeus asked as he bit into his camembert loaded croissant.

“The one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy,” Renfield explained, “is that it’s French people who are involved in the voting and decision making process. No wonder you have such disastrous results and major screw-ups.”

At that moment, a woman wearing a French maid outfit walked through the door.

Renfield immediately rushed up to her and said, “I love it when women wear French maid outfits.”

“That’s good, monsieur,” she replied in a sexy French accent, “because I am French and I do happen to be a maid.”

“Wonderful,” Renfield used every ounce of self-control he had to prevent his tongue from hanging out and panting, “I love the French people.”

“You should have just heard what he was saying about the French people a moment ago,” Amadeus quipped as he ate a raspberry parfait.

Renfield’s face immediately turned Bolshevik red.

“And what was that, Monsieur?” The French maid turned towards Amadeus.

Amadeus repeated Renfield’s statement verbatim and with terminological exactitude.

The kick the French maid delivered Renfield with one of her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes sent Renfield flying into the liquor cabinet behind the bar.

It was an unforgettable start to his own personal election campaign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 8th 2017.

Simone The French Maid
Simone the French Maid: Not impressed with Renfield R. Renfield’s analysis of what is the major underlying problem with French democracy.

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