The Femme Fatale Art Thief

November 6, 2022 at 11:11 pm (Art, Art History, Detective story, Film, Ghost Story, Gothic, Literature, painting, Poetry, The Supernatural) (, , , , )

The femme fatale art thief

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  • She was the femme fatale art thief
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  • That’s what I called her
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  • My name is Carson Cody Albion by the way
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  • I’m a ₱rivate Eye
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  • The year was 1952
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  • And the city was London
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  • I had been hired to guard a rare art ₱iece
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  • Said to have been ₱ainted by Dante in the 13th Century
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  • Dante was a man better known for his writing (i.e. The Inferno) rather than his ₱ainting
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  • The ₱ainting was more of a metallic scul₱ted relief in a frame rather than a ₱ainting
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  • It was called Joe Biden and Nancy ₱elosi Roasting In The Flames of Tartarus
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  • I’m not sure who these Joe Biden and Nancy ₱elosi characters were
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  • Two ₱eo₱le that Dante saw roasting away but didn’t think were im₱ortant enough to be worth a mention in his Inferno
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  • I saw the woman standing in front of the metallic scul₱ted relief
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  • I was ₱racticing my Raymond Chandler narrative short story telling skills as I looked at her
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  • She had the most magnificent tight skirted ass that I had ever seen
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  • Her buns showed u₱ magnificently under the tight contours of her dress
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  • like two ri₱e gra₱efruit ri₱e for the ₱icking and the ₱lucking
  • I knew I wouldn’t be gras₱ing at straws if I were to, like Shakes₱eare’s MacBeth, say,
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  • “Come, let me clutch thee”
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  • I could imagine them being so smooth, so creamy, so white
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  • I was beginning to sound like a science-fiction writer writing advertisements for Madison Avenue
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  • By the way the femme fatale art thief looked at me, I realised I had said those Raymond Chandler narrative short story telling skills out loud rather than silently in my mind
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  • She came over and sla₱₱ed my face with such vigour that I was knocked unconscious
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  • But I got off lucky
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  • She used her ₱H Unbalanced narrative short story telling skills to bore the ₱oor museum security guard to death
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  • He was found dead the next morning
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  • The coroner ruled the cause of death as Colossal Boredom
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  • And the metallic scul₱ture relief ₱ainting of Joe Biden and Nancy ₱elosi Roasting In Tartarus was gone
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  • A gy₱sy fortune teller told me that it would someday be found in the art collection of a young man named Barron Trum₱
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  • A young man who would have his ₱ortrait ₱ainted
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  • By the ghost of the man who ₱ainted the ₱icture of Dorian Gray
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  • -A Carson Cody Albion narrative ₱oem written by Christo₱her Sunday November 6th 2O22.

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  • The Taco Cat

    September 15, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

    I am the Taco Cat
    I’ll never eat a rat
    Because I am the Taco Cat
    I missed my turn at bat
    Because I am the Taco Cat

    I was the designated hitter
    And I certainly am no quitter
    Cause I play for the Purry Tabbies
    And we played the New York Cabbies

    But I got a craving for taco
    When I saw the umpire chew tobacco
    And I said to myself, I have to go
    Like Crockett at the Alamo
    Because I desperately need a taco
    Although you might think I’m wacko

    So to the taco place I went
    And now I’m pitching a tent
    Cause I got thrown off the team
    This was not a field of dreams
    As the coach’s jacket came apart at the seams

    So with a taco in my hand
    I think to myself how grand
    With coffee at my side
    My caffeine habit I do not hide
    But I’ll never eat a rat
    Because I am the Taco Cat.

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Thursday September 15th

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    The Pirate Queen

    August 24, 2022 at 10:03 pm (History, Poetry) (, )

    A sight not to be forgotten once seen
    This Seven Seas beauty who was the Pirate Queen
    She went on many a raid and plunder
    From Caribbean to Africa and a land Down Under
    From the cold waves of Scotland’s North Sea
    To the holy shores of Galilee
    The Pirate Queen struck lust then terror in men’s hearts
    Her name is still spoken on hushed lips in tropical parts

    -A poem written by Chistopher
    Wednesday August 24th 2022.

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    Trails West

    August 19, 2022 at 9:56 pm (Poetry, western) (, , )

    She came on a locomotive train from the East
    Not knowing if the Wild West would be famine or feast
    She was looking for a man to marry
    And eastern men were so boring and bland
    She wondered about those who for law and order did stand

    But there were plenty of villains in the Wild West
    Gunslingers who put others to the test
    And marshalls and sheriffs could be quite corrupt
    She started to wonder if she left the East too abrupt

    Until she met Mister William Main
    A man who scouted the western plain
    He was a man of integrity and honour
    Did not eat the guided like expedition Donner

    So Ingrid and William were wed
    Wild and passionate was their marriage bed
    Ingrid felt glad that she had come west
    For the man she landed was one of the best

    -A Wild West narrative poem
    Written by Christopher
    Friday August 19th

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    The Duck Called Samuel Puddlington Raises A Glass

    July 30, 2022 at 8:06 pm (Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , )

    The duck called Samuel Puddlington raised a glass
    For he was no fowl pain in the ass
    Unlike a certain Canadian PM
    Known for his constant flow from a BM

    The duck thought of flying to the Far East
    But then thought Xi might make of him a Peking feast
    Xi already threatened to shoot down Nancy Pelosi over Taiwan
    News that Vladimir Putin took with a shrug and a yawn

    Samuel Puddlington said “A toast! A toast!”
    For of this champagne, he must make the most
    The vintage was an excellent year of which few can boast
    And the fish Samuel ate was fresh from the coast

    Samuel was joined by his friends a frog and a hare
    The frog contemplated AOC in lingerie wear
    For he self-identified as human
    Though he had an amphibian stare

    -A Samuel Puddlington poem
    written by Christopher
    Saturday July 30th

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    Wild West Haiku Inspired By Marty Robbins

    July 15, 2022 at 10:05 pm (Folklore, Poetry, western) (, , , )

    Out in West Texas
    Town of El Paso there was
    A Mexican girl

    Rose’s Cantina
    Was the place she’d be found
    Her skirt polished the ground

    As she whirled and twirled
    Like the storm of a desert
    Where n’eer bush was found

    Felina was name
    Of this pretty young maiden
    Sent men’s hearts a-flayin’

    Many fell in love with
    This Mexican maiden
    That condom sales were arazin’

    Sheriff Joe Biden
    Entered the cantina’s doors
    Hunter’s came on the floors

    Lecherous sheriff
    Sniffed the young maiden’s hair
    As off went his underwear

    He was soon filled with lead
    And fell to cantina floor
    Looking awful dead

    Such was fair Felina
    But her spell did not affect
    Gay pope from Argentina

    -A series of haikus
    written in 30 degrees Celsius heat
    By Christopher
    Which possibly has the same effects
    As using hallucinogenic drugs
    Friday July 15th 2022.

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    The Last Minutes of Don Chillinger

    June 6, 2022 at 9:17 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, )

    Mobster Don Chillinger with an admiring quartet of beautiful women

    Mobster Don Chillinger; he had it all
    Prohibition king of booze run from a Cleveland stall
    Prohibition ended
    His Rolls-Royce rearended
    He left Ohio
    Jilted Hawaii Five-O

    Wound up in California
    Where film stars are born – yeah
    Started selling arms to the Japanese
    So he could buy himself a huge deep freeze
    As it was the ’30s, Pearl Harbor hadn’t happened yet
    And Japan wished to wrap China in its Fascist net
    But still FDR in the White House was concerned
    And told J. Edgar Hoover who had just been de-wormed

    So the trap was set
    Hoover said, “You ain’t seen nothng yet”
    Don Chillinger thought he had a plane to let
    And desired to see a tequila sunset

    Don Chillinger set out to the airport
    Surrounded by fair maidens like a royal court

    He walked towards the plane
    Headed to New Spain
    Now known as Mexico
    The place he desired to go

    The pilot in the plane called The Golden Eagle
    Was dressed like a World War pilot goggle wearing beagle
    He blew Chillinger away with the machine gun on the propeller
    And Chillinger fell to the ground, his last words were “Tell her”
    Tell her? Who? Which one of the fair ladies four?
    We don’t know for Chillinger has gone through death’s door.

    Hoover sitting in the back of his limousine
    Definitely wasn’ looking clean
    The sandwich he ate made him look a mess
    And he wished he was wearing that one woman’s evening dress

    J. Edgar Hoover wished he was wearing the evening dress of the woman in the far right of this photo

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Monday June 6th 2022

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    Carson Cody Albion and The Beauty In The Hotel Room

    May 1, 2022 at 9:50 pm (Detective story, Literature, Poetry) (, , , )

    The Beauty In Carson Cody Albion’s Hotel Room

    Carson Cody Albion Private Eye went to London town
    And discovered London bridge wasn’t falling down
    So he went back to his hotel and what he saw caused no frown
    For on his bed was a beautiful woman in a very sexy gown

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Sunday Night May 1st 2022

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    Lili Marleen At The Piano

    November 30, 2021 at 9:44 pm (Poetry) (, , , )

    Lili Marleen at the piano

    It was approaching Christmas 1947
    Thanksgiving was over
    And the turkeys had been eaten
    In those days turkeys didn’t sit
    In the Oval Office
    Like they do today.

    LA Private Eye Carson Cody Albion
    had headed north to San Francisco
    It was a slight drizzle
    As Albion wandered the streets
    He saw a cocktail lounge
    On the other side of where he stood
    The Blue Pacific
    It looked inviting

    He crossed the street
    And looked at the sign
    Outside the cafe
    It said
    Lili Marleen singing here tonight.

    Lili Marleen,
    Albion lit a cigarette
    And then blew smoke rings
    And thought
    Lili Marleen had been one of his favourite songs
    Listening to on the radio
    As America fought Hitler and Tojo
    During the War Years of WWII.

    It had originally been a First World War song
    But brought back in this war
    As Woodrow Wilson was shown to be wrong
    For stating that the War of 1914-1918
    Was the War To End All Wars

    It was Vera Lynn
    The woman called Yorkshire’s Rose
    Who used to sing it

    “Underneath the lantern
    by the barrack gate
    Darling I remember
    The way you used to wait
    ‘Twas there that you whispered tenderly
    That you loved me
    You’d always be
    My Lili of the lamplight
    My own Lili Marlene…”

    Carson Cody Albion walked into the bar
    And there noticed a woman who was sitting atop the piano
    Who presumably was Lili Marleen

    “Hello, Mr. Albion,”
    Lili Marleen smiled at him,
    “I’m glad of all the cocktail lounges
    in all the world
    you chose to walk into this one”.

    Albion smiled
    He liked her welcoming demeanor
    And her Humphrey Bogart Casablanca like reference
    But most of all her welcoming demeanor

    They danced together
    Underneath the crystal globe on the ceiling
    As the orchestra played
    On this night in The Blue Pacific Lounge
    She was his own Lili Marleen.

    -A Carson Cody Albion poem
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday November 30th

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    Nocturnal Silhouette

    July 7, 2021 at 10:26 pm (Poetry) (, , )

    Princess Anna Louise and her black winged horse Nocturnal Silhouette

    Princess Anna Louise and her black winged horse Nocturnal Silhouette
    Landed in the green meadows between forests
    Anna Louise scanned the landscape with her eyes
    While Nocturnal Silhouette stood proud and erect on his hind legs

    Seeing nothing amiss, Anna Louise patted the head
    of her aerodynamic equine and whispered,
    “Let us go, my beloved Silhouette,
    all is well in the land.
    Today we are at peace.”

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Wednesday July 7th 2021.

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