Pan Goatee’s Horrible Friday

August 17, 2018 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Horrible Friday

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was not having a good Friday.

An ugly looking high school girl stood in front of him as he rode the Public Transit Train.

So he promptly beheaded her with his laser astral machete.

Some of the passengers weren’t pleased with his actions judging by the expressions on their faces so he beheaded them as well.

He sang a song that went “A serial killer’s lot is not a happy one” (his own paraphrased version of an old British Gilbert and Sullivan comic operetta song about policemen).

Then when he was walking to his favourite beer 🍺 🍻 parlour to enjoy a cool 😎 refreshing drink on this hot and very dry summer day, a fat ugly blimp walked right in front of him to ruin his pleasant afternoon.

He promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then kicked her head down the street as if he were a FIFA World Cup Football (what they stupidly call soccer ⚽️ in North America thought the British genetically created satyr) player moving through his opponents as if they were slow moving sardines to score the winning World Cup final goal.

As he kicked the extremely hideous and repulsive looking soccer ball (what they’d call a football in Britain, Europe and the rest of the world outside egocentric North America), he sang his own paraphrased version of that old Irish ☘️ Rovers song Lord of the Dance,

“Blimps, blimps, where ever you may be,
I’ll cut your head off to make the world more pretty
And I’ll cut your head off where ever you may be
and help make this world a lot more pretty.”

His favourite beer parlour turned out to be very crowded so after cutting the heads off of all the patrons inside, he then decided to go to another pub as the amount of blood all over the place would probably lead to the bar being closed and shut down for violating City Health Regulations.

He decided to head back home.

He then caught the public transit train and then a bus.

Another ugly woman tried to board the bus in front of him so he cut off her head as well.

After getting home, he decided to walk up to the grocery store to get a few groceries.

He encountered a few ugly women on the way there and back so he beheaded them as well.

“What’s the world coming to these days?” Pan Goatee thought to himself, “You can’t even peacefully go grocery shopping anymore without your eyes being visually assaulted by some specimen of misshapen ugly UFO alien-cow impregnated semi-human allegedly female hybrid. Rod Serling was truly prophetic with his TV series The Twilight Zone. That’s exactly what we’re living in- The Twilight Zone. Proof positive that the Apocalypse and the days of the Antichrist are upon us.”

Pan Goatee made the Sign of the Cross and said a Hail Mary (while accidentally spilling ketchup all over his Tom Brady New England Patriots #12 jersey).

He then tried to make himself supper when one of his stupid housemates bitched at him for trying to use the microwave even though the bastard wasn’t even using the microwave at the time.

Pan Goatee was fed up (considering the horrible day he had) and beheaded his housemate.

He then wondered what would happen to a human head if one put it on HIGH in the microwave for 5 minutes.

Pan Goatee decided to try it.

It turned out what happens is that the eyeballs in the human head totally explode and a whole bunch of blood, pus and what little brains the PBS hating and opera hating and Turner Classic Movie hating housemate had splatter all over the inside of the microwave.

“Well, it looks like this microwave is now toast,” Pan Goatee astutely observed and decided he better throw it in the garbage bin.

As he picked up the microwave, he knocked over the toaster sending it crashing to the floor and smashing into dozens of pieces.

“Well, it looks like that toaster is toast as well,” Pan Goatee shrewdly observed.

He put both the recently expired microwave with the exploded human head and eyeballs inside and the broken toaster into the City Sanitation Department’s Appliance and Electronics Recycling bin.

He would no doubt receive the papal Apostolic Blessing of Pope Francis for doing so as he was following to a “t” the papal environmental commandments set down in the papal encyclical Laudato Si.

After receiving Pope Francis’ papal Apostolic Blessing from afar, Pan Goatee decided he’d better order takeout pizza 🍕 as now both the microwave and the toaster were gone.

And the regular household oven had gone up in flames 🔥 after his unsuccessful attempt to make himself a pot of brown rice a few nights before.

He had since text messaged and asked a Malaysian friend of his who lived in a small Bavarian village the proper way to cook brown rice.

And as soon as the landlord replaced the oven, he’d try it again.

. . .

Coincidentally at that very moment in his papal apartment in the Vatican, Pope Francis was eating a pizza 🍕.

The pizza 🍕 had been sent to him as a gift from John Podesta.

“How nice of John Podesta to think of me,” Francis smiled.

. . .

The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler had been a member of the Ahnenerbe (the Nazi SS Occult Bureau) during his mortal life.

He had in his possession all the drawings, diagrams and documents of the Nazi built Flying Saucers 🛸 (that operated on propulsion by the Vril force) that were built by the Nazis and then were destroyed when it became apparent that they were going to lose the war.

German engineer Wernher von Braun thought he had all the relevant documents relating to Flying Saucers 🛸 in his possession but he turned out to be wrong much to the disappointment of the architects of the U.S. ‘s Operation Paperclip program.

As such, von Braun had to use and rely on his rocket 🚀 building skills to develop the American NASA Space Program and help put a man on the moon.

Kohler went to neither the Americans nor the Soviets with his plans.

Instead he hid out at a secret base that the Nazis had established in Antarctica 🇦🇶.

Now Kohler (who had since become a far right nationalist German member of the European Parliament) had approached Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman with the plans.

And the Saudi Crown Prince had established plans to build a new Red Sea economic zone specializing in high tech that would border Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦, Egypt 🇪🇬 and Jordan 🇯🇴 as a result.

The new city state of NEOM would build the Nazi Flying Saucers 🛸 for the 21st Century.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 17th
2018.

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