The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken

February 15, 2020 at 11:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Sorcery, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken 

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed at a London radio station on the subject of a possible UK Free Trade Agreement with the U.S.

“As long as Donald Trump is the President, we’d just be leaping from the frying pan into the fire if we went ahead with this trade agreement,” Renfield stated, “not of course that we’d be better off if any of the freaks who are currently front runners for the U.S. Democratic Party nomination became President either.”

Renfield finally finished the interview with the following statement about Donald Trump, “What can we say about the man who was (Joe McCarthy’s chief legal counsel and later Mafioso mobster defending lawyer) Roy Cohn’s personal bitch and boy toy back in the 1970s? Whose mentor-protege relationship consisted of Cohn breaking Trump in (via the rear end) and showing him the ropes (in a gay BDSM sense of that expression).”

Within seconds, a very irate and profanity laced phone call was made from the White House to the Pentagon.

As Renfield left the radio station and walked down the street, he was followed by a Trotskyite anarchist agitator who was very upset by a speech that Renfield had delivered to the Canada Club in London last night.

The British MP happened to notice a £5 note lying on the ground.

As he bent over to pick it up, a drone bearing the inscription IN TRUMP WE TRUST flew right over his head.

The drone blew the Trotskyite anarchist agitator (who was walking just behind Renfield) to kingdom come.

. . .

An ugly looking female freak with pink and purple hair (that made her look even uglier) really pissed genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee off.

So he beheaded the ugly looking freak and then cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion (rather than his usual just 999 trillion) pieces.

The rats recently released from a showing of the 1971 American horror film Willard could not bring themselves to eat the minuscule pieces of the revolting facially aesthetically challenged crime against humanity.

Neither could the 3 blind mice who flew a drone called Albatross 2.0

After an emergency council of all the gods and goddesses, Shiva the Destroyer arrived with his trident of destruction to totally melt and disintegrate the pieces into total non-existence so that the hideous particles would not exist in any of the multiverses.

Shiva then returned to the CERN Large Hadron Collider tunnel in Switzerland where he was being taught the Irish river dance by Irish dancer Michael Flatley.

. . .

From Lake Michigan on the shoreline of Chicago a Kraken emerged.

But this was no ordinary Kraken.

For while it had the body, tentacles and arms of an Octopus, its head was that of a giant fly.

The name of the creature was the Beelzekraken – a combination of Beelzebub (The Lord of the Flies) and a Kraken.

The unwashed ANTIFA member on the beach (who was already angry about being hit by waves from the lake) dirtied his already dirty jockstrap upon seeing the Beelzekraken.

He very much regretted having used the POSSIBLY ENGLISH LANGUAGE HIP HOP EDITION OF THE NECRONOMICON to summon the creature.

Even more so after the Beelzekraken swallowed and ate him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th
2020.

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A Stag Party Like No Other

April 17, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

A Stag Party Like No Other

Russian soldiers at a base in Syria were nervous.

They had heard reports that a deer 🦌 stag of all things was massacring Turkish soldiers in the Afrin region of northwestern Syria by standing up on its hind legs and firing a rapidly moving crossbow with poisonous arrows at them.

The arrows would paralyze the soldiers and then take 24 hours for the poison to work to eventually kill them.

In the meantime, the soldiers would die a painfully agonizing death as the organs in their bodies gradually shut down.

The government of Recep Tayyip Erdogan in Ankara tried to keep the deaths secret from the Turkish public.

But someone had hacked into the Turkish television newsfeed and was reporting the deaths live to the Turkish people.

The news reports were read aloud by a talking robot 🤖 who called himself Hans.

The reports would begin with the robot singing (to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song), “I’m Hans Pagan Henderson… that’s me.”

After showing some speeded up video of Turkish soldiers dying a long lasting slow horrible agonizing death, film footage was then shown of the deer stag standing on its hind legs and shooting the soldiers with its rapidly firing cross bow.

As the footage of the stag and its cross bow was being shown, Hans the robot 🤖 sang (also to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song):

Wonderful, wonderful poisoned 🤢 arrow
fired by a beautiful stag
you hit your mark
sends a fiery spark ⚡️
through the body part
a fatal stinging dart 🎯
that sends one screaming “No more”
yet hours ‘til you reach death’s door.

No one was sure who it was that was hacking into the Turkish television feed.

Although there were suspicions.

After Hans’ news broadcasts, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was seen in an elegant armchair by a fireplace holding a glass of cognac and doing an introduction to a TV series he called Forgotten Disney Animated Cartoons.

“On tonight’s episode,” Renfield smiled, “Bambi’s father (killed in an automobile accident) comes back from the dead. The name of the cartoon: Bambi II- Thumper Recites The Necronomicon Resurrection Invocation.”

The Russian base was on edge when a soldier turned on the TV and Thumper was seen reciting a weird invocation in a strange and sinister sounding language.

And then suddenly what sounded like an arrow hit the door of the barracks.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 17th
2018.

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Cthulhu On The South China Sea

April 11, 2017 at 4:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

“Mr. President,” Trump’s aide was forced to interrupt him as he was writing yet another Twitter tweet, “ships are being attacked in the South China Sea.”

“Whose ships?” Trump looked up, “our ships? Who’s doing the attacking? The Chinese?”.

“All types of countries’ ships are being attacked in the South China Sea including China’s,” the aide replied, “and the attack is being carried out by a strange sea creature who stands hundreds of meters tall, has an octopus head for a head, the wings of a dragon on its back and has giant humanoid arms and legs with its hands and feet webbed.”

“Sounds like the preview trailer I saw for the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film with Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow,” Trump reflected.

“Nevertheless it’s real, Mr. President,” the aide said grimly, “The NSA believe that it’s the creature Cthulhu originally believed to have been a fictional character first mentioned in the works of an early 20th Century horror story writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

Trump picked up the phone and dialed a number, “Hello, Ivanka? Get thee to a library and read up everything you can find about a fictional monster called Cthulhu mentioned in the works of a horror writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

. . .

The Royal Australian Navy ship The H.M.S. Pirate Don Durk of Dowdee was the only one that survived the attack by the creature Cthulhu of all the ships attacked in the South China Sea that fateful day of April 11th 2017.

First Mate Gil Mebson asked Captain Haul Pogan how their ship The Dowdee managed to survive.

“Well when we left Mumbai,” Captain Pogan took off his alligator boot to scratch his foot, “that psychic I had gone to see in Mumbai Tantric Tanya advised me to cover the ship in garlic. When I asked why, she said, I’d know the reason when we sailed back to Australia. This must be the reason.”

“So this Cthulhu creature is allergic to garlic like vampires and certain demons are,” Gil Mebson said as he ate his butter chicken.

“Apparently,” Captain Pogan opened a can of beer, “and it’s a good thing too. Otherwise I might never have heard the song Waltzing Matilda sung ever again.”

“That ship there doesn’t seem to have been attacked either,” Gil Mebson pointed to a ship that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

“It appears to be a North Korean ship judging from the flag,” Captain Pogan peered through his binoculars, “and it’s got a huge television screen atop the mass broadcasting a speech from North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.”

“I wonder what he’s saying,” Gil Mebson drank some rum.

“Well, if my Korean serves me correctly,” Captain Pogan replied, “Korean which I learned from making love with beautiful female members of the Korean Dragon Sisterhood Warrioress Society back in my days in Seoul, Kim Jong-un is reciting passages from the Necronomicon in Korean. The Necronomicon was originally written in Arabic by Abdul Alhadrez in Damascus in 730 AD. I myself read the Latin edition of The Necronomicon as a young Jesuit seminarian until I decided I couldn’t accept celibacy after attending a Sean Connery James Bond Film Festival held in Melbourne. I believe the passages Kim Jong-un is reciting are those passages that call the Cthulhu to rise from his home at the bottom of the sea.”

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was surprised to receive a phone call from South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

He hadn’t talked to Hyung ever since she broke up with his friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Hyung had caught Dracul in bed in a menage a trois with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Egyptian vampiress Isis back on December 21st 2012 the day the world was supposed to end.

“Hyung, what’s up?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s Kim Jong-un,” Hyung replied, “last Christmas, he managed to get his hands on an ancient Korean copy of the book The Necronomicon. He’s now using that book to raise deadly occultic supernatural creatures from their resting places in the Underworld and at the bottom of the sea.”

“Wow,” said Whitstable, “too bad western intelligence hadn’t found about this earlier.”

Whitstable had on his desk a detailed report about today’s Cthulhu attacks in the South China Sea.

“Kim Jong-nam his half-brother found out about it and was going to reveal all after a gambling trip to Macau,” Hyung said, “but he got that fatal VX nerve agent towel in the face at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.”

“And now the young Stalinist brat Kim Jong-un has raised Cthulhu to attack shipping in the South China Sea by broadcasting Necronomicon pasages via satellite transmission to large screen TVs on North Korean ships,” Whitstable seethed.

“Who knows what other monsters he’s now going to raise?” Hyung looked over at her Samsung large screen TV.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 11th
2017.

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