Of Soccer Players, Renfield and New Orleans Vampiresses

September 20, 2017 at 4:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

It was a hectic day in the colossal west London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Set himself had flown to Atlanta, Georgia to meet former U.S. President Jimmy Carter to discuss an emergency matter that had just come up (involving a WW1 German U-boat submarine).

The butler and valet Athelstan’s mother (who was staying as a guest in the house for a few days) was screaming in her sleep and awakening the whole house, “Oh yes, Senor Messi, yes! You’ve definitely got your balls in the right place. Keep going! Keep going!!”.

Athelstan went running into her room to wake her up, “I have the feeling that if people dream about the same thing, then FC Barcelona’s Lionel Messi is having one Hell of a nightmare.”

Renfield R. Renfield was once again working on a speech he was giving on global affairs in the British House of Commons this time warning that the enigmatic Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike was plotting a hostile takeover of Monsanto warning “that this would be a major threat to agricultural and food production in Africa and Asia given Mr. Pike’s racist and genocidal attitudes.”

And Amadeus Emanon was getting ready for a date with the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.

They were planning to go see a play featuring the great London stage actor Sir Carlton Hardisty.

The name of the play was An Evening In London On The Eve of Sarajevo 1914.

Amadeus walked into the mansion’s piano room where Angelique Dumont was waiting for him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 20th
2017.

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Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

November 12, 2016 at 6:52 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had his entire mansion to himself tonight.

His butler and valet Athelstan had been called away to bail his mother out of jail for being drunk and disorderly. Apparently Athelstan’s mother had been drinking too much gin in a northern England pub and had gotten into a violent argument with another patron about who was England’s greatest rugby player.

Amadeus and Renfield were out of the house to meet the New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont in a London karaoke bar in a tribute night to The Greatest Hits of Tommy Makem and The Clancy Brothers.

So Set was doing what any male would do when he had the entire house to himself- he was drinking a bottle of beer (albeit in Set’s case with a side of blood) and watching television.

He was watching a BBC World News story about more anti-Trump rioting and protests in post-election America.

BBC Reporter (with a huge riot going on in the background): In the weeks running up to this Presidential election the big fear was that Donald Trump supporters would not accept the reality of a Hillary Clinton victory and would riot and cause general mayhem and chaos following the election. Now that the shoe is on the other foot and America has to face the reality of a Donald Trump victory, some of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are rioting and creating general mayhem and chaos themselves.

(Behind the BBC reporter, bottles are being thrown and American flags are being burnt. Signs saying TRUMP NOT MY PRESIDENT are being waved and cries of “Fuck You America” are being shouted)

BBC Reporter (calling to a protestor carrying a Molotov cocktail): Excuse me, sir. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Protestor (with Molotov cocktail): Sure. Cool, man.

BBC Reporter: Why are you doing this?

Protestor: Because Trump won and Hillary lost. This is an affront to democracy and the will of the people, man.

BBC Reporter: What do you think would have happened had Hillary won and Trump lost?

Protestor: All those white Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansmen who supported Trump would have rioted. Because Trump supporters have no class.

Topless Tattooed Blonde (burning her Stars and Stripes coloured brassiere in front of the camera): That’s right, Trump supporters have no class. Unlike us, we have class. Fuck you, America! (holds up her middle finger)

Meanwhile down at the Karaoke bar where Irish Music Appreciation Night was being held, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont were waiting for Renfield R. Renfield to show up.

“How long do you suppose Renfield is going to be at that massage parlour in Soho?” Angelique asked Amadeus.

“That will depend on whether or not Renfield ordered the Dozen For One special,” Amadeus replied.

“Do you think Renfield will keep his promise and not sing any karaoke tonight?” Angelique asked with a shudder as she recalled the riot that had ensued the last time Renfield had sung karaoke.

“I believe he will,” Amadeus nodded, “I wonder if Renfield will remember what door to come in.”

It turned out that Renfield did not.

For he wound up on stage just as the crowd was starting to chant The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute!

The karaoke M.C. asked Renfield, “Are you the gentleman who signed up to sing The Old Orange Flute?”.

“Um, no,” Renfield replied, “I thought when the crowd was uttering cries of The Old Orange Flute, they were calling on some Chinaman to introduce an elderly Protestant pansy from Northern Ireland.”

Amadeus winced and buried his head in his hands.

He thought to himself that Renfield with his sense of audacious political incorrectness – that if the media had given Renfield as much coverage at the start of this year’s Presidential election campaign as they had Donald Trump- that it would be Renfield and not Trump who was the President-elect of the United States.

Proving the truth of Oscar Wilde’s dictum, “It’s better to be talked about than not talked about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 12th
2016.

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Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

May 11, 2016 at 5:39 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a London tea shop with the New Orleans songstress and stage actress vampiress Angelique Dumont.

“I hear this stage magician Salaman the Magician puts on a wonderful show,” Angelique said reading a review in one of the London entertainment weeklies.

“He does,” Amadeus nodded, “I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I’m still totally mystified as to how he does his tricks. Like nothing I’ve ever seen.
Even better than Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel in my opinion.”

“You saw Salaman the Magician?” Angelique raised an eyebrow, “By yourself?”.

“No, I was with Dulcinea Lucia,” Amadeus replied.

“The gypsy fortune teller?” Angelique raised her other eyebrow.

“That’s right,” Amadeus nodded again.

“You went on a date with Dulcinea Lucia?” Angelique glared at Amadeus.

“That is correct,” Amadeus put some honey in his tea.

“But I thought you and I were an item,” Angelique’s face flushed as red as her rouge red lipstick and her dinner the night before.

“I didn’t know we were an item,” Amadeus Emanon looked as surprised as a child’s face on Christmas morning.

“You didn’t know we were an item?” Angelique grabbed a piece of cheesecake off a passing waiter’s tray and shoved it in Amadeus’ face.

“Speaking of items, I didn’t know cheesecake was on the menu,” Amadeus wiped the cheesecake off his face.

. . .

In another corner of the tea shop, Renfield R. Renfield had his eyes on a very attractive woman wearing a green evening dress.

Renfield had recently been advised by his co-worker and fellow employee at Set Enterprises Dr. Cadbury Rocher that he needed to be more subtle in his approach with women.

Not to come on so strong.

Renfield decided to try this new approach that he had never before attempted.

So he walked past the woman and sang in a loud operatic style baritone voice, “Birds do it, bees do it, even dogs and trees do it…”

Purses apparently do it as well.

Because Renfield found himself clobbered over the head with the woman’s rather heavy purse and found himself lying on the floor with the woman in the green evening dress stepping over him and leaving the restaurant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 10th
2016.

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Amadeus Stardust

January 14, 2016 at 8:07 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, News, Obituaries, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Stardust

The New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont was sitting in a black evening dress in a West London theatre auditorium memorizing her lines for the role of Mina Harker in a musical version of Dracula.

She heard the theatre auditorium door open and in walked her friend Amadeus Emanon.

He looked disheveled and his hair was wild and uncombed.

“Why, Amadeus, what’s wrong?” Angelique asked him.

“David Bowie is dead,” said Amadeus, a tear dripping down his cheek.

“Why, yes,” Angelique nodded, “the whole world knows that David Bowie is dead. But… did you know him personally at all, Amadeus?”.

“No, I never met the man,” Amadeus started to weep uncontrollably.

Angelique reached into her purse and handed him a handkerchief which he accepted gratefully.

“You must have been quite a devoted fan,” Angelique patted his shoulder, “to take his death pretty hard.”

“He was one individual I could really relate to,” Amadeus wiped his eyes, “he and Oscar Wilde I could both relate to. Although of course Oscar Wilde was already dead by the time I was genetically cloned and created in Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s lab, Oscar Wilde having died way back in 1900.”

“You could really relate to both Oscar Wilde and David Bowie?” Angelique was somewhat taken aback, “Does this mean you’re gay or bisexual, Amadeus?”.

Angelique was somewhat surprised. She had dated Amadeus on numerous occasions. Although Amadeus had always been the perfect gentlemen (as opposed to the multitude of horny males who were always trying to hump her particularly one Renfield R. Renfield), she had put this down to a somewhat Peter Pan style childlike innocence about him rather than a lack of sexual attraction to females.

“No,” said Amadeus, “what I liked about Wilde and Bowie was that they always felt like outsiders, like aliens, like strangers living in a strange land. I always felt like an outsider, an alien, having been cloned and genetically created in a lab and then born wholesale as an adult emerging from a giant test tube. I was adult in body at my birth but my mind was still like a child’s, like an infant’s. Even now, I still grapple with being an adult on the outside but I still feel like a child on the inside.”

Amadeus, she knew, had been cloned and created back in late 2005. So in effect he was only 10 years old although as he had said, he had emerged out of the giant test tube in Dr. Rocher’s lab with the body of an adult.

Funny, he and Renfield were so different.

Renfield, she understood, had been genetically cloned and created back in early 2005, several months before Amadeus.

He too had emerged from the giant test tube with the body of an adult.

But she gathered that Renfield had always acted with the mind of an adult.

Perhaps it was the DNA they were cloned from.

Amadeus was cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.

Renfield had been cloned from the DNA of strands of hair from Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, French poet Charles Baudelaire and Germany’s Iron Chancellor Otto von Bismarck as well as the DNA of North Korean cannibalistic killer hamsters (who had been secretly created in a Pyongyang lab back in 2000).

The latter strands of DNA allowed Renfield to shape shift from human to hamster and back again.

“I’m sorry you feel like such an outsider, Amadeus,” she patted his shoulder again.

“It doesn’t help knowing that I’ve got someone like Charles Manson in my DNA,” Amadeus moaned, “does this mean that I’m going to someday become a murderer like Manson?”.

“Despite what the eugenicists of old and the eugenicists of today might think,” Angelique whispered to Amadeus, “DNA like clothes do not make the man.”

Amadeus stopped crying.

“So,” Amadeus asked Angelique, “who do you think will be the next David Bowie?”.

Angelique smiled at him, “David Bowie was one of a kind. There will never be another David Bowie. Just like there will never truly be another Oscar Wilde. That’s the thing about great artists. They’re truly one of a kind. No one will ever be truly like them. Great artists were and are great because they were and always are what they are.”

“So no new David Bowie?”Amadeus looked at the stage.

“The world never does know what it’s looking for,” Angelique said, “it stumbles around like a man in a fog shrouded night. Oscar Wilde burst on the world in the late 19th Century. David Bowie burst on the world in the late 20th Century. The world is only 4 years away from the decade of the 2020s. Maybe what the world needs right now is not another Oscar Wilde or another David Bowie.”

“So,” Amadeus looked down, “what does the world need right now?”.

“Well,” Angelique stood up, “maybe what the world needs right now… is… Amadeus Emanon.”

Angelique walked away leaving Amadeus in the darkness of the theatre auditorium.

A few minutes later the theatre’s lightning technician, practicing for when the play started in an hour’s time, just happened to shine the spotlight on Amadeus sitting in his seat in the darkened auditorium.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 12th
2016.

Post-Script: The great actor Alan Rickman who played Severus Snape in all 8 Harry Potter films as well as numerous other great roles in film, on stage and on radio died today Thursday January 14th 2016 at the age of 69.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Alan Rickman.
When I first introduced the character of Amadeus Emanon into my series of vampire novels back in 2006, I chose Alan Rickman as one of the persons whose DNA was involved in his cloning.

I wrote this particular chapter two days ago Tuesday January 12th (two days after the death of David Bowie),

Little did I know at the time of that writing 2 days ago that Alan Rickman (from whom part of Amadeus Emanon was cloned) would die 2 days later.

It makes the ending of this chapter a lot more poignant (and possibly prophetic).

-Christopher

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Amadeus Emanon and Pan Deux At A Saint Ninian’s Day Debate On Scottish Independence

September 17, 2014 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon and Pan Deux At A Saint Ninian’s Day Debate On Scottish Independence

“What’s in a name?” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for The Eildon Hills asked his Scottish audience in Edinburgh at a Saint Ninian’s Day debate on Scottish independence.

Saint Ninian (360-432 AD) was the first Apostle of Christianity in Scotland.

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas was of course speaking for the pro-independence Yes Scotland side of the Scottish independence debate.

His opponent on this occasion was Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who was a sitting Welsh member of the Westminster Parliament in London) who was speaking for the No side anti-independence UK Better Together movement.

“Scotland the Brave,” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas shouted, “as the song title says. My fellow Scots, be brave as our forefathers who fought the tyrant Edward I of England were brave. Be brave as our forefathers who fought for Bonnie Prince Charlie at Culloden were brave. Be brave and vote yes to a free and independent Scotland this September 18th. Be brave as we know Scotland surely is. Scotland the Brave! Yes, Scotland.”

William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas left the stage with one fist raised in the air.

He received a standing ovation from his audience with the exception of the members of the Orange Order who sat on their hands.

Tears ran down the cheeks of the Orange Order members’ faces.

Not due to anything that William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas said.

They were still mourning the recent death of the Rev. Ian Paisley of Belfast, Northern Ireland.

The moderator of the debate then called on the man who would be championing the Orange Order’s cause this afternoon- the far-left hardline Marxist-Leninist British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

Magog went up the platform to the microphone.

He recognized a few people in the crowd.

Among the familiar faces was one Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set whom he had met on a few occasions.

Another was Pan Deux a Scottish bagpiper who seemed to have really hairy almost goat like legs under his tartan kilt.

Pan Deux had been quite literally driven out of the City of London as his incessant bagpipe playing had kept most of the city awake at night.

As a result Pan Deux took the high road and went up to Scotland where his talents were far more appreciated and he had since embraced the Scottish independence movement.

As Magog continued to look around, he spotted Sangita Patel Douglas the lovely wife of his debate opponent William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.

She looked resplendently beautiful and incredibly sexy in her lilac coloured blouse, short red tartan skirt, black silk fishnet pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Magog felt himself becoming sexually aroused which was a problem for the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP because every time he became sexually aroused, he turned into a werewolf.

The particular lycanthropy virus that he carried had this effect- he not only turned into a werewolf during the full moon but also whenever he became sexually aroused.

The antidote for the particular lycanthropy virus he had was buttermilk

If he drank buttermilk prior to a sexual encounter, he would not turn into a werewolf.

If he drank buttermilk if he unexpectedly became sexually aroused, this would also prevent his turning into a werewolf.

Alas he had not drank any buttermilk beforehand nor did there look to be buttermilk anywhere in the vicinity.

He must get a grip on himself he told himself.

Get himself under control he said to himself.

Stop thinking about sex he ordered his psyche.

“Well,” Magog began, “it’s as the Baptist couple who had sex while standing up said… ‘united we stand, divided we fall’… so too must Britain stand united…”

There were murmurings around the hall as he said this.

“Oh God,” the atheistic Marxist MP thought to himself, “what am I thinking?”.

He turned to look at Amadeus Emanon and as he did so, he suddenly noticed the New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont sitting next to him.

She was wearing a stylish black evening dress slit up the side and ravishingly sexy red silk nylons.

“Oh dear,” Magog thought to himself.

He was a big fan of the New Orleans actress and singer who appeared in many West End London musicals that he attended just to see her.

Already he could feel the Lon Chaney Jr. Larry Talbot style whiskers appearing on his face and eating and drinking the last of his morning aftershave lotion.

He ran behind the curtain and started howling like a werewolf.

“Mr. Chairman,” William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas rose to his feet and addressed the debate moderator, “I really must protest this unusual behavior currently being displayed by my opponent the Honourable Member from Westminster. Such howling and snarling such as coming from backstage is definitely uncalled for. I’d hardly expect such beastly animalistic behavior coming from a Welshman. I’d expect such ghastly sass from a Sassanach but not a fellow Celt.”

“Do something,” Sangita Patel Douglas whispered to Pan Deux.

Pan Deux started playing his bagpipes to drown out the sound of the howling and baying at the absent moon coming from backstage.

Amadeus went up on stage and started singing that old Scottish song Donald, Where’s Your Troosers?

Unfortunately the only version he knew was his co-employee Renfield R. Renfield’s version which was even more colourful and risqué than the original:

“Oh, I went out on the Isle of Skye
I got goosed by a fruity guy
All the laddies say hello
Donald, where’s your troosers?

Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low
Flashing my kilt along I go
Waving my dickie to all my friends
Donald, where’s your troosers?” .

Edinburgh police were called to quell the ensuing riot as the moderator and chairman declared the debate over and the meeting adjourned.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 16th
2014
The Feast Day of Saint Ninian

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Amadeus Emanon: Scotland Bound

September 15, 2014 at 7:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon: Scotland Bound

Amadeus Emanon was taking the night train from London to Edinburgh.

Accompanying him was his friend the New Orleans Vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.

Hence the reason for taking the night train.

Amadeus Emanon was going to meet his friend Pan Deux who was the official campaign bagpiper to William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills in the pro-independence campaign for Scottish independence in the upcoming September 18th referendum.

Amadeus was going to accompany Pan Deux, William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the MSP’s lovely wife Sangita Patel Douglas at various campaign rallies in these final days of the referendum campaign.

As the train crossed the border from England into Scotland, Amadeus could hear the sound of beautiful gentle and melodious singing voices from outside the train.

He looked out the window and saw beautiful Scottish pixies dancing in the glen.

The lovely lassies of Scottish fairie folklore with their huge green eyes and masses of wild dark hair danced and sang,

When Amadeus comes to Scotland, then sing and dance with glee,
for then after many centuries shall Scotland be finally free.

The train engine seemed to sound a salute as it raced past.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 15th
2014.

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Vampire Set Gets A Food Bill For 4500 British Pounds

October 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set almost had a heart attack (he would have if he had been a mere mortal) when he noticed his estate’s food bill.

“In the name of Amun-Ra,” Set swore, “we paid 4500 pounds sterling just for one single piece of fish.”

“Apparently,” Renfield nodded, “the fish was a 10 kilogram Empurau or Emperor fish. It’s an exotic variety of fish that’s found in the Malaysian province of Sarawak on the island of Borneo. It can apparently cost up to RM 6,000 in Malaysian currency or roughly $2,000 in U.S. currency. So it’s no surprise that it cost us 4500 pounds sterling.”

“But who the Hell ordered it?” Set asked.

“Amadeus,” Renfield answered, “he’s developed an appetite for Malaysian cuisine recently.”

“Well please tell Amadeus to develop an appetite for a less expensive form of cuisine,” Set ordered.

“Will do, sir,” Renfield made a note of that on his iPad.

“By the way,” Set asked, “did you or I or Athelstan get to taste a piece of this Empurau fish?”.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “Amadeus ate all 10 kilograms of it by himself at one sitting.”

“Amadeus,” it was the voice of Amadeus’s date for the evening the New Orleans singer Angelique Dumont at the front door of the mansion, “you seem to have put on a lot of weight since I last saw you.”

To be continued.

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