Night of The Blood Red Moon
Night of The Blood Red Moon
The Greek Goddess Hera
“Go forth, Hermes,” Hera commanded, “and ask the Pythian sibyl high priestess of Apollo at Delphi what shall be the first sign marking the beginning of the age of sorrows that shall commence in the 2nd Coming of the Holy One born in Bethlehem of Judea.”
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster woke up screeching in his aquarium when he heard the Pythia’s response to Hermes’ question.
. . .
Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA shifted on his feet uncomfortably outside the Oval Bathroom 🚽 of the White House as Donald Trump was having a bowel movement inside and firing off the latest DARPA secret weapon – a cruise tweet- at the entire political and military leadership of Iran.
The U.S. leader then checked his incoming tweets.
“What?” The Donald cried, “Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan just told me to go fuck myself because I demanded the release of American pastor Andrew Brunson from one of those sodomite Turkish prisons where the Turkish guards have a field day. I can’t do that to myself. It isn’t long enough for one thing…”
. . .
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was examining the work of Israeli scientist Saul Kullok.
Kullok had been examining the work of British scientist Sir Isaac Newton.
Newton had apparently studied the entire Old Testament in the original Hebrew and in his book The Chronology of Ancient Kingdoms published in 1728 a year after Newton’s death in 1727, Kullok had noticed that Newton had inserted his own detailed drawings of Solomon’s original Temple in Chapter V of the Book.
Newton in the Book claimed that Solomon’s Temple was a building whose dimensions corresponded to the measurements of the cosmos and the building was constructed in an architectural code that precisely detailed the mathematical measurements of the universe.
Dr. Rocher did not know what to think of either Kullok’s or Newton’s work as he turned off his laptop where he had been reading Kullok’s essays.
However Dr. Rocher had used Newton’s detailed drawings of Solomon’s Temple to program his 3-D laser printer to print an exact replica model (on a smaller scale of course) of the original First Temple for the Temple Mount Faithful an organization in Israel seeking to build the Third Temple.
As Dr. Cadbury Rocher was about to leave his office at the Set Enterprises lab as he heard the shrieks of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster coming from his aquarium, he got a phone call on his smart phone.
It was from his boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s archenemy the Paris-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
She was phoning to discuss the building of the Third Temple in Jerusalem of all things.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had just inhaled a whiff of marijuana smoke that was exhaled by Strawberry Fields Forever (which was the name of his genetically created pot smoking cactus 🌵 plant).
As such, Justin to his horror saw the ET gray Gali-Gula that he always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
“So tell me, Gali,” Justin said as he looked up through the glass ceiling of his plant greenhouse for signs of the blood red moon 🌚, “who is your planet Nibiru’s greatest scientist?”.
Justin had been recalling earlier in the day how when Canada’s asshole then Prime Minister Brian Mulroney had announced his retirement, the Israeli government had awarded him the Israeli National Science and Technology Medal.
“Nibiru’s greatest scientist is Pythagogorgosaurus,” Gali-Gula replied.
“Has he recently communicated with earth?” Justin asked as he started to whistle the tune to the old Beatles song Strawberry Fields Forever.
“The last time he communicated with Earth was when he received a laser message from a glowing white globe that was sent into outer space by Donald Trump and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman,” Gali-Gula answered.
“Really?” Justin answered as he fell face forward into the bush of Alberta Wild Roses inside his greenhouse and started to sing, “Hey Jude, don’t ask me why. Sing a sad song and make it better…”
. . .
The blood red moon over Athens:
Hera to Apollo (as they stood underneath their respective statues): “And so rises the sign foretold by your high priestess…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 27th
2018.
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
On the television in Canadian living rooms was a rare sight- CBC News Anchorman Peter Mansbridge.
Peter Mansbridge: Hi, I’m Peter Mansbridge. You may remember me as a long time CBC News anchorman from many years ago. You haven’t seen me for a while and no doubt thought I was dead. Well I was. But voodoo practicing strategists for the U. S. Democratic Party have brought me back from the dead on condition I go down to the U.S. and vote 🗳 for Hillary Clinton in the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential primaries.
In the meantime, I’ll occasionally appear on The National so you don’t think my career is as dead as the dodo bird 🐦.
In the news tonight, Alberta cattle baron and long time Canadian Federal Liberal Party fundraiser and fanatical Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High was found dead in his hotel room in Calgary last night.
He was apparently killed by a fast acting Amazon poison dart that was fired into his neck.
Police however do not believe that the dart was fired from an Amazon blow gun (since Amazon is not allowed to sell poison dart blow guns in Canada unlike the U. S. where Americans’ right to blow is defended by both the NRA and leading adult female porn star Felicity Fellatio).
Also apparently the guest in the room next door distinctly heard Henry Mancini’s Moon River being played on Greek pan pipes.
This was followed by a loud scream in which a gravel sounding elderly male voice said that his high school sweetheart had broken up with him while they were watching the 1961 film Breakfast At Tiffany’s.
The scream was then followed by a loud thud as of a body falling to the floor.
When hotel security and the 101-year-old bell boy entered the room, Mr. Flyen High’s body was found on the bedroom floor with an Amazon tribesman’s poison dart found lodged in his neck.
Calgary police believe that the Amazon blow dart was fired by the same Greek pan pipes that were playing Moon River only moments before.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted that both he and the Federal Liberal Party treasurer were “very saddened by Mr. Flyen High’s death.”
Meanwhile the nation’s most expert political commentators in the cities of Ottawa, Toronto and Montreal are still baffled why an Albertan like Mr. Flyen High was such an enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter in a province where the Trudeau family name is considered anathema by most Albertans.
Meanwhile Calgary police report that 300 plastic bags of non-medicinal marijuana (with Mr. Flyen High’s fingerprints all over them) were found underneath the cattle baron’s hotel room mattress.
This was strange in lieu of the fact that Mr. Justin Trudeau’s law legalizing the use of recreational marijuana doesn’t become legal until July 1st this year.
. . .
What had transpired the past 24 hours:
Justin Trudeau (at post G-7 Summit press conference addressing the issue of Donald Trump’s temper tantrums during the Summit):
“Canadians are polite and reasonable but we will also not be pushed around.”
Donald Trump (on plane ✈️ en route to Singapore 🇸🇬 and throwing a temper tantrum on hearing Justin Trudeau’s remarks): “Well, Lexington (speaking to his butler and valet), I’m not polite, I’m not reasonable but I also won’t be pushed around either.”
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was walking through his greenhouse when he caught a whiff of pot smoke 💨 which was being exhaled by his Dr. Cadbury Rocher developed genetic hybrid marijuana smoking cactus 🌵 plant.
Upon inhaling the smoke, he immediately saw Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru (whose alien 👽 body was possessed by the spirit of the ancient Earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) that he always saw every time he inhaled marijuana smoke 💨.
“Good God,” shouted Justin, “Not you again.”
“You know I remember during the days I was the Emperor Gaius Caligula, I always wanted to be worshiped as a god,” Gali-Gula stared dreamily into the night sky shining through the clear roof of the greenhouse.
“Well, then,” Justin retorted,” why don’t you use your divine omniscience and tell me what I can do about Donald Trump?”.
“Why don’t you get your Praetorian Guard to bump him off?” Gali-Gula suggested.
“I don’t have a Praetorian Guard,” Justin Trudeau answered.
“Pity,” Gali-Gula remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose tea which was available only in Canada 🇨🇦.
“I’m beginning to think so,” Justin Trudeau agreed and then suddenly remembered something his father once told him, “Say, weren’t you yourself once bumped off by your own Praetorian Guard?”.
Gali-Gula immediately spit out a mouthful of Red Rose tea ☕️ which immediately extinguished the smoke from the marijuana smoking cactus’ marijuana cigarette much to the former desert plant’s annoyance.
“I try,” Gali-Gula wiped his mouth, “to forget that particular bit of ancient Roman and personal life history.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 10th
2018.
Reblog- Night of The Unknown Light: The Dark Sun Becomes Manifest
A vampire novel chapter I wrote 2 years ago last month featuring Adolf Hitler and a mysterious dark sun in the night sky that was alluded to in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.
Night of The Unknown Light: The Dark Sun Becomes Manifest
The date was January 25th 1938.
It was just a little after 6 PM.
The location was The Berghof the Berchtesgaden chalet home of German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler located in the Bavarian Alps.
Hitler was examining some documents handed to him by a member of the Nazi Occult Bureau the Ahnenerbe.
The Ahnenerbe representative was one Franz Kohler.
“What are these?” Hitler asked.
“They are translations of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs telling of a myth about the Egyptian sun god Ra that has never been mentioned in most history books,” Kohler explained to the Fuhrer.
“And what is this myth mentioned in the hieroglyphs?” Hitler asked.
“That the Egyptian sun god Ra walked around in the dark of night and was unseen,” Kohler replied.
“That is a curious myth,” Hitler acknowledged, “a sun god walking around at night and not being…
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Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede
Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at the Calgary Stampede today.
As he went around acknowledging the crowds and acknowledging the boos, Justin hoped he wouldn’t run into any one smoking marijuana during the Stampede.
On every occasion when he inhaled even a whiff of marijuana, he’d always run into that annoying ET gray from the planet Nibiru- an ET gray named Gali-Gula (whose extraterrestrial 👽 body was possessed by the ghost of the late ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).
Seeing Gali-Gula at the recent Canada 🇨🇦 Day 150 celebrations in Ottawa had so flabbergasted Justin, he forgot to mention the province of Alberta in his Parliament Hill speech.
Now as he walked around the Stampede grounds, he hoped he wouldn’t catch a whiff of marijuana.
He happened to notice a group of people holding up a sign saying WE SUPPORT A CARBON TAX.
He went over to talk to them and caught the biggest whiff of marijuana smoke imaginable from the group.
“Oh, no!” Justin quickly walked away.
He went to talk to another group of people.
And in the crowd, ET gray Gali-Gula asked him, “If I threw a grenade and killed someone, would you pay me $10.5 million like you did Omar Khadr?”.
“Fuck you asshole!” An angry 😡 Justin replied.
“What was that?” Alberta Premier Rachel Notley looked at Justin with a great look of astonishment and horror.
“Sorry,” Justin apologized, ” I was talking to Gali-Gula the ET gray standing behind you.”
People looked and not seeing anyone there, they raised their eyebrows and looked suspiciously at Justin.
Justin was then called away to officially open a rubber duck pond which had never been officially opened during the whole time of the Stampede.
As Justin pronounced the words “I officially declare this rubber duck pond open”, Gali-Gula held up a sign that said, THE RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM – 11th CENTURY AD. THE RUBY YACHT OF OMAR KHADR- 21St CENTURY AD.
“Go fuck yourself, you tiny little son of a bitch,” Justin screamed.
A small child broke into tears.
“No, no,” Justin apologized, “I didn’t mean you.”
Two of the Prime Minister’s aides looked at one another.
They better get the Prime Minister the Hell out of here before he inflicted any more collateral damage.
They grabbed him and ran straight out of the Stampede grounds.
A 75-year-old ramrod straight cowboy in an ancient looking white Stetson (who had no use for anyone with the last name of Trudeau) shouted after him, “Hey you bum, it’s going to be difficult taking your shirt off for a selfie while you’re wearing a straight jacket.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 15th
2017.
Jefferey The Otter On Saint Patrick’s Day: A Poem
From Planet Nibiru, Jefferey came
not seeking any worldly earthly fame
he was a party otter seeking a new party spot
one where he could avoid being struck in parking lot
for he was a furry mammal on all fours
one who often got stuck in revolving doors
He had heard about Saint Paddy’s Day
its fame had spread across the Milky Way
and when he wasn’t eating Nibiruan scientist’s stitchin’
or laughing at the theories of Zecharia Sitchin
he often dreamed of having a Guinness or two
and seducing a female earthling otter in the Dublin Zoo
So he stole ET gray Gali-Gula’s spaceship
and headed off on quite the far out trip
to Dublin he went where he took many a nip
now on Earth otters cannot talk
they just sit and bark on a rock
so Nibiruan otter was quite the hit of the bar
one would think he was a furry Bono- a rock star
Jefferey regaled them with “When Irish Eyes Are Smilin”
when asked if he was legal age, Jefferey was lyin’
but his Nibiruan otter mother wasn’t around to spank
so Jefferey thoroughly enjoyed this drunken otter prank
He ordered some Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
drinking so much- he had to go pee
He decided to enter the ladies’ room
little realizing this would be his doom
Pretty little Irish colleens in their short skirts did shriek
when they saw a perverted male otter taking a peek
they hit him with their high-heeled shoes
like a cocaine high drummer gettin’ in the groove
Jefferey barely escaped with his life
Dublin police were called to end the strife
but the Garda Siochana stopped for a few brews
ignoring Police Commissioner’s warning about hitting the booze
soon O’ Reilly’s Bar was overrun by drunks galore
while Jefferey safely crawled his way across the floor
and soon headed straight out the door.
“Gosh,” Jefferey smiled, “that was fun”
unaware someone would tomato his bun
for Sherrielock Holmes had received ET call
from Jefferey’s mother who was going up the wall
Jefferey felt the lash of Sherrielock’s whip
as he admired the dominatrix’s shapely hip
he thought her leather skirt was quite the sight
even though his buttocks were no longer tight
And that was how Jefferey spent Saint Paddy’s Day
a Nibiruan otter in Dublin sowin’ wild oats for hay.
-A Saint Patrick’s Day poem
written by Christopher
Friday March 17th
2017.
Sherrielock Holmes movin’ in for the kill on Nibiruan otter’s naughty buttocks
Pope Francis, Loki and Fenrir
Amadeus Emanon was flipping through the stations on his radio trying to see if he could pick up an all-reggae music station.
He came across an interview Pope Francis was giving members of the German news media, “Catholic fundamentalists are like Peter. They’re quite willing to deny Christ 3 times.”
He then came across the replay of an old BBC radio interview that the British essayist and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge had given over 40 years ago, “We must remember that it was the Apostle who was the most concerned about social justice that finally ended up betraying Christ in the end.”
Meanwhile the Norse trickster god Loki and his lupine son the Norse wolf Fenrir (who had both become unbound in the year 2010 in preparation for the Battle of Ragnarok 7 years hence) were walking through a New York City cryogenics lab.
“Here we are,” Loki opened a drawer marked “H for Hecate’s head”, “the cryogenically frozen head of the Greek goddess Hecate in her crone form. Now I want you to take this head, Fenrir, and eat it.”
“Can’t we stick it in the microwave first, Dad?” Fenrir communicated telepathically to his father, “I’ve always hated eating frozen TV dinners while they’re still frozen.”
“Oh, all right,” Loki sighed.
They went to the cryogenics lab cafeteria frightening all the patrons present (who promptly ran away) where Loki put the cryogenically frozen head of Hecate on high in the microwave for 2 minutes.
“I wonder if that will be long enough,” Loki scratched his trickster god chin.
The bell on the microwave rang and Loki took the head out.
“Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Hot!” Loki dropped the head to the floor and started blowing on his fingers.
Fenrir waited for the head to cool off for a while before eating it.
After eating it in one gulp, the wolf commented, “BURP!”.
“You always did have the most atrocious table manners,” Loki sighed.
“Good thing I was eating off the floor,” Fenrir belched again, “and funny, you never said that whenever I ate in Odin’s banquet hall.”
“That’s because Odin was such a sourpuss host,” Loki answered, “let’s go.”
Loki and Fenrir exited the cafeteria with Fenrir singing his own version of a 1960s Peter, Paul and Mary song as he went out the door, “Where have all the goddess heads gone? Long time passing. Where have all the goddess heads gone? Gone to wolf’s guts every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?”.
An hour later the Greek deities Artemis and Apollo arrived in the cryogenics lab with the Niburuan ET gray scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.
“Good heavens,” the goddess of the hunt Artemis shouted when she opened the drawer, “Hecate’s head is gone.”
“I wonder if I’ll get my Olympian gold coin drachmas money back,” Apollo seethed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 13th
2017.
Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!
Big Ben just happened to chime in London the moment Hecate was beheaded in New York City.
Apollo gathered up Hecate’s head and had it cryogenically frozen.
Who of course could bring the deity back to life?
First bets fell on Dr. Cadbury Rocher the resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises in London who had brought Apollo back from the dead, had restored Medusa to life (minus her atrocious snake hair style) and who also had managed to clone several Greek mythological creatures including Pan and Pegasus.
However Dr. Rocher was fearful of reprisals from satyr serial killer Pan Goatee if he brought Hecate back from the dead so he declined.
South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo declined for the same reason.
As did the Russian FSB’s (former East German Stasi) mad scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen although Dr. Werhoffen did have the added burden of his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin’s dislike for witches (hence his dislike for Hillary).
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released the following statement upon hearing of Hecate’s death:
I’m so sorry to hear of the sudden and tragic demise of the Greek goddess I always considered my personal mentor Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, sorcery and necromancy. I know me and my supporters as well as the CEOs of all Planned Parenthood clinics across the land are absolutely devastated by news of our mentor’s death. I am personally proud of being a witch although I do know being a witch spelled with both a “w” and a “b” probably cost me the U.S. election as many people seemed to prefer even voting for Donald Trump as opposed to voting for me.
Weepingly yours in Hecate,
Hillary.
The Greek goddess Demeter (goddess of the harvest and agriculture) was very concerned over the death of Hecate.
She turned to Artemis the goddess of the hunt for help in bringing Hecate back to life.
Asclepius the Greek god of medicine and healing was sadly being held a prisoner in the Himalayas by a mysterious Golden cobra serpent figure who called himself Maitreya so he could not do it.
Artemis went for a walk in the woods in upstate New York to collect her thoughts.
There she ran into the ET gray Gali-Gula (whose ET gray body was possessed by the spirit of the Roman Emperor Caligula).whose Niburuan UFO ship The Gunterpunter had run out of metallic hydrogen since Gali-Gula had neglected to fill up at the closest Nonpetro Galaxia metallic hydrogen filling station.
Gali-Gula was aware that world-famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes would probably tomato his buns for such a major blunder to say nothing of Pope Francis excommunicating him (if he had been Catholic) as well as being hit by a major carbon tax surcharge by Alberta Premier Rachel Notley’s NDP government in Canada for making such a major environmental non-green non-renewable energy blunder.
Artemis told Gali-Gula her dilemma.
Gali-Gula told Artemis his.
Artemis text messaged Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge to see what he could do.
In return, Gali-Gula text messaged his ET grayish home planet Nibiru’s top scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.
Dr. Whenever Wherever was in fact a Nibiruan scientist from the future who had traveled back in time to the current century.
Due to a mishap involving a drunken Niburuan otter called Jeffery which resulted in sustainable head injuries to Dr. Whenever Wherever after he tripped over the well intoxicated otter lying on the floor, Dr. Whenever Wherever’s portion of his ET gray brain dedicated to time travel had been overtaken by amnesia. (Nibiruan science had suffered several setbacks over the millenia due to the folly of drunken Nibiruan otters- please see
https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/gali-gula-from-roman-emperor-to-et/ )
In the future, Dr. Whenever Wherever had been born to Nibiruan parents who were big fans of the earthling BBC series Dr. Who watching them on Ultra-Violet Ray Video Discs (with infinitely better picture quality than our decade’s Blu-Ray discs). Unfortunately the idiot recording them on the Discs had pushed the wrong button and so the only soundtrack that showed up in the background of the Dr. Who episodes was a constant refrain of Shakira’s 2001 hit song Whenever Wherever.
That episode of Dr. Who where the stone angels came to life was infinitely more terrifying when you heard the words Whenever Wherever to their suddenly and eerily coming to life.
As such, the young ET gray’s parents had named the child Whenever Wherever after the dialogue in the episodes of Dr. Who they watched on the unknown idiot’s Ultra-Violet Ray video discs of Dr. Who.
Dr. Whenever Wherever of Nibiru after speaking to Artemis on Gali-Gula’s Infinitely Celestial Smart Phone agreed to help in the case of Hecate’s severed head seeing if it could be brought back to life.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 10th
2017.
Nibiru Is Coming
Dr. Wilfrid Avonmore was Chief Astronomer at the Royal Astronomical Observatory just outside London.
He had as a guest the U.S. Air Force’s chief expert on stealth technology Major Mark Mason.
“What is so important that President Barack Obama actually interrupted my golf game to send me over here?” asked Major Mason angrily as he had blown his only chance to finally score par in life.
“You’ve got a complaint,” Dr. Avonmore fumed but was too embarrassed to announce that he had lost his chance to finally lose his virginity in life when the Royal Astronomical Laboratory had called him the night before.
“What’s so important?” Major Mason growled like Smoky Bear with his pants on fire.
“How big can an object be and still be invisible to radar as well as everything else for that matter?” Dr. Avonmore asked the stealth technology expert.
“I have no idea,” Major Mason answered, “and besides the biggest object we do have under stealth technology is classified top secret at the moment. That is until Edward Snowden leaks it to the Russians.”
“Look through this telescope,” Dr. Avonmore invited him.
“I see nothing,” Major Mason harrumphed like Major Hoople when he looked through the telescope, “nothing but darkness.”
“Now notice what happens when I play this old 78 record album,” Dr. Avonmore said, “a song recorded by a Dr. Kasper Geist in Berlin Germany back on May 14th 1948- a song sung in ancient Tibetan called A Hymn To Chaos with musical accompaniment by a theremin.”
When Dr. Avonmore played the album, Major Mason could see a huge huge huge x infinity huge planet through the telescope.
“Jesus Christ,” Major Mason peed his pants, “that’s the biggest planet I’ve seen in my life.”
“And would you believe this planet is currently in the location of our solar system’s asteroid belt and is heading straight for flyby our earth?” Dr. Avonmore spoke with the solemnity of a scientist in one of those old 1950s end of the world science-fiction films.
“And you mean to say no telescope or any piece of equipment has been able to spot a planet this size so close to Earth unless this song A Hymn To Chaos is played with musical accompaniment by a theremin?” Major Mason asked in incredulous fashion.
“That is correct,” Dr. Avonmore nodded.
“Holy cow,” Major Mason sipped from his bottle of chocolate milk.
“And if you think the planet is big,” Dr. Avonmore spoke with the passion of a used car salesman, “you should see the size of the sun the planet is orbiting around. Something you’ll see when I play this 78 record album backwards. But put on your special protection goggles first.”
“Jesus Christ,” Major Mason said as he looked through the telescope and promptly did a number 2 in his pants.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 2nd
2016.
Justin Trudeau Meets Gali-Gula
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had promised to legalize marijuana if he was elected. And last year he was elected. So Justin figured he better legalize marijuana.
He decided there was nothing like taking a personal approach to an issue. So today on the 39th Anniversary of Elvis’ death, he decided to try smoking marijuana until smoke was coming out of his ears.
As his aide opened the door, the smoke was indeed coming out of the Prime Minister’s ears.
“Prime Minister, what are you doing?” his aide asked.
“I’m doing a one-man personal investigation into studying the effects of marijuana,” Justin replied.
“But Prime Minister, you have a major speech to deliver within an hour,” his aide pointed out.
“I already wrote it,” Justin handed him his speech.
20 minutes later, his aide contacted the organization Justin was to address and told them that the Prime Minister had come down with a rare summer cold and wouldn’t be available to speak tonight.
. . .
As Justin Trudeau slept off the aftereffects of his one-man personal investigation of the after-effects of smoking marijuana, he woke up and saw a pair of glowing red ET gray buns in his face.
“Holy smoking hot buns, Batman,” Justin spoke a line that would have fit right in with the lingo of the popular Batman television series of the 1960s.
“That I have,” Gali-Gula the ET gray (whose body was inhabited by the ghost of the late Roman Emperor Caligula) agreed as he turned around.
“Good God,” Justin Trudeau said as he looked at the creature, “you’re gray in colour, you look like ET in appearance, you’re nude and you’re not wearing any panties.”
“That’s true,” Gali-Gula admitted, “although Caitlyn Jenner has promised to take me shopping the next time I visit Beverly Hills.”
“What do you want with me?” Justin asked while blinking at the ET gray in the same manner that Chief Commissioner Dreyfus blinked at Inspector Clouseau in the old Blake Edwards Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers and Herbert Lom.
“I wish to take a contemporary world leader back to Planet Nibiru for dissection,” Gali-Gula explained.
“But I’m too young to die,” Justin protested, “to say nothing of the fact that I haven’t achieved my goal of having one million selfies of myself taken while topless and posing with bedazzled Canadians and having them posted on Facebook.”
“That is indeed probably a worthy goal,” Gali-Gula was impressed by the young politician’s erstwhile political goals, “I’ll fly over to Moscow and see if the sometimes topless Russian leader will be more accommodating to the idea of a one-way trip to Nibiru.”
“Please do,” Justin felt relieved.
“By the way, do you have any ice I can put on my rear end to cool off my glowing red hot buns that were recently tomatoed by world famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes?” Gali-Gula asked.
“Well, I don’t know about ice but I do have a few ice cold bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer that I can stick on your rear end,” Justin rose from his couch and approached the refrigerator.
And so Gali-Gula sat with his buttocks on a couple of bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer while holding in his hands and sipping a large cup of Tim Horton’s Double Double Coffee..
Gali-Gula and the Canadian Prime Minister then discussed world history.
When Gali-Gula mentioned that as Roman Emperor Caligula, he had once appointed a horse to the Roman Senate, Justin looked out the window and noticed that former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s horse was once again eating the roses in his garden. Harper’s horse never ate the roses in Harper’s garden but only in Trudeau’s garden.
“You just gave me an idea,” Justin grinned, “I always wondered where I could stick Harper’s horse.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 16th 2016.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash
July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Dracul Van Helsing, ET grays, Gali-Gula, Justin Trudeau, Nibiru, Princess Qonzilqointec, Qonzilqointec, Roswell New Mexico, Roswell UFO Crash, The Canadian Vampire Hunter Dracul Van Helsing, The ET Gray Gali-Gula, UFO, UFO Researcher Jacques Vallee)
Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash
French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.
Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.
Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.
ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.
His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.
Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.
As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.
He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).
When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.
Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.
Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.
After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.
Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.
But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.
An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.
Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.
After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.
And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.
Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.
That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.
The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.
So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.
Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.
This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.
Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.
Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.
“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”
. . .
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.
She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.
Her Samsung mobile phone rang.
She answered.
It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.
They chatted.
Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.
“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.
“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”
“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.
“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”
“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.
“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.
“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.
“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.
“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.
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