Nimrod Sees A Psychiatrist: Recalling Life With Semiramis

November 27, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The famous Welsh psychiatrist Dr. Morgana Jones was able to see a new patient at her London clinic.

She did have an appointment with one of her regular patients the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to help treat his problem of sex addiction but she received a phone call from him cancelling at the last minute because he had spent the past 24 hours making out with the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB and he would likely be spending the next 24 hours doing the same.

She did receive a phone call from somebody claiming to be a British Member of Parliament who said he was feeling lonely and depressed because he was sitting alone in his hot tub and had nobody to blow bubbles and play his musical instrument with.

Dr. Jones told him to buy himself a Japanese sex robot and slammed the phone down.

The recepient on the other end called out, “Athelstan, can you find me the number of a sci-fi writer called George Finneganburg in the U.S.? I think he knows where I can buy a good Japanese female sex robot.”

As the Member of Parliament went about blissfully planning his own death by electrocution in a hot tub by hoping to get a Japanese female sex robot prone to blowing her fuse and short circuiting, Dr. Jones’ receptionist brought in a new patient.

He was a little green frog who called himself Nimrod and he hopped out from the top of a low-cut dress worn by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

“You’ll be okay while I go do my Christmas shopping for myself at Harrods?” Lilith asked.

Nimrod ribbited in the affirmative and Lilith was out the door like a bat out of Hell to go shopping at Harrods.

“Are you the Nimrod mentioned in the Bible?” Dr. Morgana Jones asked her new patient as he lay back on the couch and hugged a Sesame Street Miss Piggy doll.

“I am,” Nimrod ribbitted in the affirmative, “I used to be a mighty hunter before the Lord although it really should be properly translated against the Lord. But I like quoting the King James Version myself. It has such beautiful English.”

“How did you become a little green frog?” Dr. Jones queried as the “mighty hunter before the Lord” used his extra long tongue to catch and swallow a fly.

“It was the result of a love potion gone horribly wrong,” Nimrod hiccoughed after swallowing the lord of the flies.

“I don’t remember reading about that in the Biblical account,” remarked Dr. Jones who was raised in a Methodist home in Wales.

“It didn’t happen in Biblical times. It happened after I croaked the first time in Biblical times,” Nimrod croaked in Miss Piggy’s ear.

“Perhaps you better explain,” Dr. Jones crossed her legs which was followed by murmuring from the office’s lobster tank.

“Well, several centuries after I died in Biblical times,” Nimrod licked his lips, “I was brought back from the dead by ET grays who were visiting Earth on an expedition. Later I was killed again when the UFO they were flying crashed near Tuktoyaktuk in the Canadian Arctic. This time I was brought back to life by DARPA while the ET gray bodies were sent to Area 51 and became hopelessly lost like all ET gray bodies at Area 51 are prone to do. The guy in charge of the Freezer section at Area 51- some old geezer who has held the job since Roswell in 1947 and really should have retired years ago has just been named director of Canada Post’s Marijuana Parcel Delivery Program by Justin Trudeau after the latter was visited by Sherrielock Holmes as part of some act of vengeance by her friend Dracul Van Helsing against the country’s marijuana users.”

“So what would you say was the primary cause of your mental trauma that brings you here today?” Dr. Jones uncrossed her legs once again causing murmurs to come from the office’s lobster tank.

“That does date back to Biblical times,” Nimrod admitted.

“Was it perhaps building the Tower of Babel that did it?” Dr. Jones smoothed her pantyhose causing the office’s lobster tank to shake.

“I wasn’t the one who built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blubbered into his handkerchief.

“You weren’t?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“The Bible never says I built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blew his nose, “That was later expositors who said that. In fact it was my wife Semiramis who built the tower of Babel after she murdered me.”

Nimrod started to sob hysterically.

“Murdered you?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“With an ice pick,” Nimrod bawled, “with the result that I never got the chance to enjoy my last cold beer in life. Then the bitch had the nerve to bury me face downwards so I could see where I was going.”

Nimrod was silent.

Then he admitted, “Still I suppose not seeing all those flames at first might have come as the greater surprise.”

“I can see why you’ve been traumatised,” Dr. Jones smoothed her skirt traumatizing the lobster in the tank.

“Yes, she murdered me, buried me face downwards so I could see where I was going and then had the nerve to tell the people of Babel that I had ascended into the heavens as a sun god,” Nimrod wept, “The only thing I got from the sun was sun burn. Then 18 months after I died, she gave birth to Tammuz claiming that it was a virgin birth.”

“It wasn’t?” Dr. Jones arched an eyebrow.

“No, the woman was a nymphomaniac,” Nimrod seethed, “she slept with every single member of the Palace Guard and gave them all sexually transmitted diseases.”

Nimrod looked at Dr. Jones with a pained expression on his face, “Do you know how hard it was to find a good palace guard in those days? I tell you not many were applying for the job or returning to it once word of the pox of Semiramis spread like wildfire among unionized members of Palace Guard guilds everywhere across the known world at the time.”

“Was Semiramis good in bed?” Dr. Jones asked as the lobster in the tank edged closer to the glass to hear the answer.

“I don’t know,” Nimrod shrugged.

Dr. Jones looked at the frog in shock.

“I remember when my very good friend Gilgamash Potatocus the commander of my Palace Guard lay dying,” Nimrod had tears in his eyes, “he said to me, “Your majesty, I have a confession to make to you before I die. I slept with your wife.” I looked at him and said, “With Semiramis?.” He nodded, “Yes.” And I said to him thoughtfully, “Gosh. Well, then you’re one up on me.” Then he expired. Just like the time on Lilith’s parking metre next to her Porsche as I see the policewoman writing her a ticket and putting it on the dashboard.”

The little green frog was standing at the window.

“Gilgamash Potatocus?” Dr. Jones repeated the name.

“Yes, everybody in Ancient Studies these days with the exception of the Dragon Sister prof Sydney Fox and her teaching assistant Nigel Bailey are always shooting their mouths off about how great The Epic of Gilgamesh is,” Nimrod seethed, “But the Epic of Gilgamash Potatocus is even greater. About how Gilgamash Potatocus visited Ireland where he was skinned alive and then mashed and then almost eaten by Irish cannibals before he managed to escape.”

Dr. Jones dropped her pen and bent right over to pick it up.

The lobster tank exploded.

“What’s up with that lobster?” Dr. Jones looked at the water and mess all over the floor, “I was told when I bought Chaucer that he was the younger brother of one of Set Enterprises’ star employees.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 27th
2018.

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Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

October 1, 2018 at 10:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

Pope Francis was having a late night supper in the Vatican with Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, the 6 last surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, his horse a zombie black horse named Bucephalus Reborn and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft).

Samhain Cardinal Salaman (a former professional stage magician who knew how the Indonesian ghost magician The Sacred Riana and the Canadian-American magician Shin Lim performed their tricks and illusions) had been invited to the dinner but declined when he heard what was on the menu.

On the menu was pork – pork that had been found either at the bottom of a lake or the bottom of a sea by Allatallahbel’s friend the mermaid 🧜‍♀️ goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the famous Assyrian Queen).

The sea bound pork was becoming quite indigestible.

Bucephalus Reborn the zombie black horse was quite literally throwing up cotton from eating it.

Pope Francis promptly lost his appetite for eating cotton candy at a circus anytime in the near or far foreseeable future.

It was fortunate for the Headless Horseman Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden that he only ate pumpkin 🎃 pie 🥧.

Thus avoiding the pork.

Amourous Laetitia decided to throw in the towel and become a vegetarian for the first time in her millennia old life.

She not only lost her pork dinner as a result of this meal but brought up her lunch as well.

That old buzzard of a vulture didn’t taste as good coming up as it did going down.

“I wonder where Atargatis got this pork from?” Allatallahbel threw up all over the gay Jesuit priest who served as Pope Francis’ valet.

Gospel of Mark Chapter 5:

Jesus exorcises the Gadarene demoniac asking the unclean spirit possessing the man, “What is thy name?” and the unclean spirit (or spirits) replies, “My name is Legion: for we are many.”

The demons possessing the man asked Christ to send them into some nearby swine.

Jesus granted them leave to do so.

The unclean spirits went into the swine and the herd of about 2000 ran off a cliff into the sea and were choked in the sea 🌊. (Mark Chapter 5: 1-20).

. . .

The leaders of the United States, Mexico and Canada announced that they had agreed to a renewed NAFTA trade deal to be renamed USMCA (United States Mexico Canada Agreement).

After Donald Trump had issued a victory tweet announcing the formation of USMCA, a group of Greenwich Village bathhouse employees wearing nothing but jockey briefs (which had pictures of Donald Trump at the back of the briefs) came out and did a dance routine on the streets bending over and singing a paraphrased version of an old 1970s Village People song, “Down at the USMCA…”

. . .

The newly installed Samhain Cardinal Salaman (former professional stage magician and ex-practicing Kabbalist) wasn’t sure whether he believed in the God of Catholicism or not.

But then years ago, Pope Francis had said that there was no Catholic God.

Still Samhain Cardinal Salaman decided to go down to Saint Raphael’s Chapel and pray to “whom it may concern”.

When he entered the chapel, he saw this vision greeting him:

A nun dressed in very unusual nun attire.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 1st
2018.

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The New Nazi-Russian Pact

August 23, 2017 at 7:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The New Nazi-Russian Pact

At the suggestion of the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf, Lilith asked the Norse god Thor to go to Hades for her and request the release of Rasputin’s spirit from the Underworld to go up to Russia and again create havoc like he had done for the Czarist government in the previous century.

Rasputin’s spirit promptly entered the body of a Russian Eurasian brown bear and possessed it.

The grey wolf possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin then signed a treaty today agreeing to someday mutually attack a certain country in the Middle East.

The treaty was signed aboard a Jules Verne visualized helicopter airship that bore the name Albatross II and was owned by the mysterious enigmatic individual known as Robur The Conquerer II.

The witnesses to the treaty were the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith, the little green frog Nimrod and the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus.

The treaty was signed on this the 78th Anniversary of the original Nazi-Soviet Pact.

. . .

Hillary Clinton sat at the table drinking her glass of lemonade.

She was angry about what a Fox News commentator said about her this morning.

The Fox News commentator had said that she had lost her marbles.

Imagine that, Hillary harrumphed.

She, Hillary Clinton, had lost her marbles.

Sheesh.

What would they say next?

Hillary looked at her guest sitting across the table from her- Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician- 6 ft. 6 in height, pinkish coloured fur, jade green eyes wearing an extremely large pair of spectacles 👓 on his pinkish bunny rabbit nose and whiskers and who, when he spoke, had a voice that sounded a lot like the late Hollywood actor Jimmy Stewart.

Hillary had recently started seeing Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician and had hired him to mathematically examine the tweets of Donald Trump to see if Trump was sending coded messages to Russian President Vladimir Putin through his tweets.

She had informed the editorial boards of The Washington Post and The New York Times about Dr. Harvey Nash’s assignment and they told her that they eagerly awaited the results of the investigation with editors from both papers sincerely saying maybe Dr. Nash’s inquiries should be the subject of a Congressional inquiry.

To be fair, she had also contacted Fox News about bunny rabbit mathematician Dr. Harvey Nash’s investigation.

But she never heard back from them.

The only thing she got was some nasty Fox News commentator saying that she Hillary had lost her marbles.

“Would you like another glass of lemonade, dear?” Bill called from the kitchen.

“No thanks,” Hillary said.

“But you had originally asked for 2 glasses of lemonade,” Bill pointed out.

“Well,” said Hillary, “I was originally wanting a glass for our guest but you didn’t bring him one.”

“What guest would that be, dear?” Bill asked.

Hillary shook her head and smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny mathematician as he mathematically found a coded message to President Putin in a single 3-letter tweet of Trump that said, WTF?.

“I think Bill is the one losing his marbles around here,” Hillary laughed.

“So no second glass of lemonade then, dear?” Bill asked again.

“No, but do bring some carrots 🥕,” Hillary said when she noticed how famished Dr. Harvey Nash looked.

“Did you say carrots?” Bill’s voice sounded quizzical from the kitchen.

“Yes, I said carrots,” Hillary sounded exasperated, “and really big ones too.”

“Chelsea,” Bill’s voice rang out, “will you go dig some carrots out of the garden? I’ve eaten carrots but I’ve never dug.”

“The carrots will be along shortly,” Hillary smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician.

. . .

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was modelling the robes he would wear when he proclaimed himself the new Sultan of the revived Ottoman Empire (after he had held a national referendum rigged in his favour of course).

The designer of the robes was none other than the great Milan fashion designer 👩‍🎨 Fabius Faberge.

Erdogan had hired Fabius Faberge to design his Ottoman Sultan robes on the recommendation of British singer Sir Elton John.

“How do they look?” Erdogan asked Fabius Faberge as the Turkish leader twirled around in his robes.

“Fabulous,” Fabius Faberge answered.

August 23rd 2017 was indeed an inauspicious beginning to future geopolitical events on the world stage.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 23rd
2017.

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Lilith Takes The Crown

August 22, 2017 at 7:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Takes The Crown

Lilith was being crowned Queen of the Universe at a ceremony in a chapel at the Vatican in Rome.

The cardinal doing the crowning was the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (JM stood for his secret society moniker Judas Manasseh).

He was assisted in this by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress was wearing a beautiful scarlet red evening dress as she was being crowned.

Also present at the ceremony was Nimrod a little green frog.

Nimrod was supposed to be in charge of carrying the flowers for the ceremony but, being a frog, he ate them instead.

As Nimrod was busy hiccoughing rose petals from his mouth, the demon Asmodeus was busy filling up the chapel with his cigarette smoke from his irritatingly bad cigarette smoking habit.

His demonic acquaintances tried to talk him into wearing a nicotine patch which he did but it didn’t seem to work for him.

Coughing on Asmodeus’ cigarette smoke was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf (a grey wolf whose body had been possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler after it had been granted permission by Hades and Persephone to leave the Underworld and wander the Earth for awhile at the Germanic god Wotan’s request which he asked of the Greek chthonic deities through his emissary Thor).

Adolf hadn’t liked cigarette smoke in his previous life and didn’t think much of it in this one either.

But seeing as how he was no longer the Fuhrer of Germany, he could no longer order that Asmodeus be shot by firing squad.

Not that demons were prone to death by firing squad anyways.

When the ceremony was over, they walked outside to enjoy the sunset over Rome.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf then started howling that he had an idea on how to cause trouble for Russia.

Since no one in the party understood lupine, they ignored the grey wolf’s howling.

The psychic seer Cassandra Sibylline walked by and she could understand the lupine language.

She said, “The wolf is saying that if you want to destabilize Russia, then go to Hades and Persephone and request that the spirit of Grigori Rasputin be allowed to leave the Underworld and return to Russia for a while.”

A party strategist for the U.S. Democratic National Committee (DNC) walked by and thought that was an excellent suggestion.

He would report back to Hillary Clinton with that suggestion since she was still wanting revenge against Russia for costing her (in her opinion) the last U.S. Presidential election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 22nd
2017.

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Lilith, Asmodeus and Nimrod On Mount Moriah

August 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Lilith, Asmodeus and Nimrod On Mount Moriah

The Ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was standing atop Mount Moriah (known to Jews as the Temple Mount and known to Muslims as the Haram al-Sharif) alongside the demon Asmodeus and a little green frog called Nimrod (in his mortal life he had been ruler of the city of Babel and builder of the Tower of Babel but as a result of a vampiric kiss of life administered by Lilith gone awry due to a lack of vermouth, he had been brought back from the dead all right but his genetic make-up had changed and he had been turned into a frog as a result).

Lilith spoke,

When shall we three meet again?
In Moscow, Mecca or in Spain?

Asmodeus answered,

When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the Battle of Gog and Magog’s lost and won.

Nimrod (after using his tongue to capture one of Beelzebub’s passing flies) said,

That will be ere the set of sun.

Lilith: Where the place?

Asmodeus: Upon Mount Meggido.

Nimrod: There to meet with He Who Cannot Be Named (if I may borrow an expression from the Harry Potter books).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 14th
2017.
He

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Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

May 22, 2016 at 5:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.

Audiences were raving about it.

Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.

To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.

After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”

So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.

Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.

The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.

Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.

So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.

Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.

As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.

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Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

October 13, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises lab trying out a new experiment with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Renfield had recently written a movie script about a secret U. S. Army experiment whereby the Pentagon tried to get soldiers to develop their psychic powers by looking at pictures of Playboy bunnies (Renfield intended his movie to be a sequel to the 2009 film The Men Who Stare At Goats. He called his movie The Men Who Stare At Playboy Bunnies).

For more on the background of Renfield’s script, please read here:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/10/09/the-men-who-stare-at-playboy-bunnies/

The U.S. Army experiment proved unsuccessful.

But Renfield thought he would try his idea with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and see what they were dreaming.

He also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future.

But so far Michelangelo had failed at the psychic technique of remote viewing.

He did not seem to have the ability to visualize and see what was happening in the present at another location.

Renfield thought that if he showed Michelangelo pictures of Playboy bunnies, this might help his visualization and remote viewing techniques.

Renfield had Michelangelo’s lobster antennae hooked up to the computer so what Michelangelo was receiving or seeing would show up on the computer screen.

Renfield then showed the lobster various pictures of Playboy bunnies.

The computer seemed to shake but no images of remote locations appeared on the screen.

Then Renfield showed the crustacean a nude drawing of Sherlock Holmes’ very beautiful and virtually unknown and forgotten twin sister Sherrielock Holmes.

The power almost went out in the whole facility.

Then an image appeared on the computer screen.

Renfield recognized the locale as one of the rooms in the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.

He recognized the two people talking in the room.

On the left from the screen’s perspective was the megalomaniacal President of Turkey Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

On the right was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was wearing a Byzantine gold coloured evening dress.

Renfield turned up the volume on the computer.

President Erdogan: I still can’t believe that the U.S. hasn’t figured out that I’m the one behind the creation of ISIS or ISIL or IS – whatever the initials of the day are that the brainless western media use for this group.

Lilith: American intelligence takes its cue from its Sleepwalker-In-chief.

Erdogan: Even though I’ve stated publicly on several occasions that I want to restore the Ottoman Empire with myself as Sultan of course…the U.S. still looks upon me as a trustworthy NATO ally.

Lilith: Well Iran’s Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini has consistently said that’s he going to destroy both the U.S. and Israel but Barack Obama signed a peace deal with Iran anyways.

Nimrod The Talking Frog (emerging from between the cleavage of the low-cut top of Lilith’s dress) : That reminds me of a line I heard from a rerun of Seinfeld where Jerry says to George, “I don’t think vomiting is a deal breaker. I’m sure if Hitler had vomited all over Chamberlain, Chamberlain would still have given him Czechoslovakia.”

Erdogan (to Lilith): Your little friend seems to appear out of nowhere in the most unusual places.

Lilith: I know. He gave my last gynecologist a major heart attack on one occasion.

Needless to say, Renfield found this whole conversation very interesting while Michelangelo the red lobster grew redder with each passing second.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 13th
2015.

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Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

May 31, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

U.S. President Barack Obama slept at his desk in the Oval Office while his teddy bear that he named Maxwell Smart Jr. whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

. . .

Meanwhile in the Iranian holy city of Qom, Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel (who had since been turned into a frog as a result of a vampiric kiss gone awry) whispered satanic somethings in the ear of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as Iran’s Supreme Leader slept.

. . .

As Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan strolled into his gold plated and mirror ceilinged bedroom, he was startled to see the beautiful and sexy ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith standing there in a very low-cut silk nightgown.

As he gazed at this vision, he secretly hoped that what an Islamic televangelist in Turkey (who was about as nutty as some of the so-called Christian televangelists in America) had recently said about Muslim men who masturbate excessively in this lifetime- that their hands would be eternally pregnant in the next lifetime- wasn’t true.

“I’ve come to offer you something,” Lilith approached him.

Erdogan smiled.

He just might be spared an evening that might have put his right hand in eternal maternal jeopardy.

Lilith reached under her nightgown and pulled out the crown of the Sultan of Constantinople- ruler of the Ottoman Empire.

“This I will give you,” Lilith smiled seductively, “if you will fall down and worship me.”

“I hope she’s not asking me to kiss her pussy,” Erdogan thought to himself as he heard a cat meowing from under the bed.

. . .

In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of The Golem sat in his office reading disturbing reports about recent speeches given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In a speech last week, Erdogan had called for the restoration of Ottoman rule over Jerusalem.

In a campaign speech yesterday as he campaigned on behalf of his Islamist party for next week’s Turkish parliamentary elections, Erdogan had called for the “conquering fires of Istanbul to again be lit across the world”.

Outside the Controller’s office could be heard the screeching of a night owl.

The Controller looked out his office window and noticed a raven attacking a dove within the light of a bright street lamp.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2015.

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Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday

April 22, 2015 at 7:24 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday

As a wired journalist for WIRED Magazine (he had drunk 20 cups of coffee while sitting in a Starbucks cafe that had 20 screaming children who had drunk too many chocolate sprinkled cappuccinos) wrote in an online article that the biggest threat to the Earth was “we have too many kids”, the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith and ancient Babel’s ruler Nimrod (who had turned into a frog as a result of a Vampiress’ kiss gone awry) were spending Earth Day in Moscow.

The Vampiress Lilith was having an important meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Nimrod would not be attending the meeting as President Putin did not talk to frogs.

The Russian leader had developed a severe allergy to frogs’ legs after a bad case of food poisoning on a disastrous holiday trip on the Black Sea many many years ago.

So Nimrod decided he would spend the time visiting Lenin’s Tomb in Moscow.

As Nimrod stared through the glass at the embalmed body of Lenin, Lenin’s corpse sat up momentarily and sang “Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!” for of course Earth Day was the same day as Lenin’s birthday.

And today was Lenin’s 145th birthday.

“Where’s my birthday cake and candles?” Lenin shouted.

“I’m sorry,” apologized an old Soviet Red Army soldier who had stood guard at Lenin’s tomb since the very first Earth Day was held on this date back in 1970, “but a birthday cake with that many candles on it- 145- would violate the City of Moscow’s Fire Code.”

“Bloody bureaucratic regulations!” cursed the man who had founded the all-encompassing bureaucratic Soviet state.

The Soviet Union’s founder foamed at the mouth and promptly died again.

“Wow, I just saw Lenin’s corpse sit up and sing Happy Birthday to himself,” Nimrod the frog remarked as he left the Lenin Mausoleum.

“Wow, I just saw a talking frog,” said one vodka drinking Russian man who swore off vodka for life after this strange encounter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 22nd
2015.

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March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball

March 16, 2015 at 7:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna (that was his code name) was having a meeting with Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

On the TV screen in the meeting room were video images of Russian President Vladimir Putin working out in a gym in Saint Petersburg Russia.

The Russian President held up a sign that said Rumours of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated.

Behind him, one of his aides held up a sign that said Rumours of His Having To Make New Paternity Payments Are Also Greatly Exaggerated.

But Diablos Nocturna and Peter Whitstable were not meeting to discuss the recent disappearance of Vladimir Putin from public view.

They were here to discuss the latest happenings with the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

A year ago, Whitstable had discovered that the Vampiress Lilith had formed a secret alliance with the demon Asmodeus to destroy the nation of Israel.

Diablos Nocturna had been the first person in the Intelligence community to believe Whitstable’s story.

Having been a professional vampire hunter prior to joining MI-6, the man code named Diablos Nocturna was well aware of things supernatural.

Later the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem also came to believe Whitstable’s story.

But only after Lilith had tried to seduce the Controller’s rabbi when he was in a mikveh ritual bath.

Diablos told Whitstable that the Vampiress Lilith had brought the Biblical figure of Nimrod back to life by performing mouth-to-mouth on his dead body in a secret U.S. government lab.

However something had gone wrong with the antidote to death potion given her by the South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.

The potion had done something to Nimrod’s DNA and had changed him into a frog.

“Since then,” Diablos informed Whitstable, “Lilith and Nimrod have been seen in several world capitals including Ankara Turkey and Berlin Germany.”

“I’d be curious to know who your source is that’s keeping all these tabs on Lilith and Nimrod,” Whitstable declared.

“It’s none other than the ancient Anglo-Saxon Vampiress Eostre,” replied Diablos.

“Isn’t that the Vampiress who’s able to shape shift into a bunny rabbit?” Whitstable asked.

“That’s the one,” Diablos nodded.

“When she’s in her bunny form,” Whitstable adjusted his glasses, “is it true she can lay multicoloured Easter eggs?”

“Well I don’t know, Peter, I’ve never really asked her,” Diablos smiled, “the next time I see her, do you want me to ask her?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 16th
2015.

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