Renfield, Baal and Baphomet Professional Sports and A Communist Scientologist

August 3, 2020 at 10:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

“Mr. Renfield,” the BBC interviewer inquired of the British MP, “how would you describe yourself?”.

“As an altruistic empathetic narcissist,” Renfield answered.

The remark sent professional psychologists and psychiatrists and students of psychology all over the world scrambling for their textbooks and dictionaries to look up the meaning of this particular personality type.

Mental breakdowns were universal when they discovered the term wasn’t listed, classified or defined.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was sitting in his office looking at photos of competing NBA and MLB teams all linking arms and kneeling in front of BLACK LIVES MATTER logos while the U.S. National anthem was being played.

Whitstable had received a dossier from the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit documenting how the Black Lives Matter organization was a Communist organization founded by 3 Communist lesbians whose stated goals were a Marxist society and the destruction of both fatherhood and the nuclear family.

Whitstable then looked at a videotape of both ceremonies as recorded by an Interpol agent using a Dr. Cadbury Rocher Demon Detector Lens.

In both ceremonies as the overpaid athletes knelt to show their “wokeness” (Being “woke” in the 21st Century meant that one had turned into a living dead brain dead zombie according to Renfield R. Renfield’s definition of the word), the demons Baal and Baphomet walked by although unseen by the human eye but not by the eye of the Dr. Cadbury Rocher Demon Detector Lens.

Thus the overpaid athletes were bending the knee to the demons Baal and Baphomet in what looked to be an act of fealty and homage.

In this, they were boldly or maybe mincingly following in the footsteps of Rep. Nancy Pelosi who had done the same a couple of months earlier where the demons Baal and Baphomet were also picked up by the Dr. Cadbury Rocher Demon Detector Lens as Rep. Pelosi and her fellow Congressional Useful Idiots For The Devil Democrats bent the knee in an act of fealty and homage to the two demons.

Although the overpaid athletes were able to get back up again after bending the knee.

The same could not be said for the House of Representatives Speaker who had to be helped up by a Congressional aide as Ms. Pelosi did a very bad impersonation of the lady in the famous Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up TV commercials for Lifeline back in the 1980s.

. . .

Meanwhile as the demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod sat at a milkshake bar in Los Angeles, they were discussing the fact that Rep. Karen Bass of California had emerged as the number one contender to become Joe Biden’s Vice-Presidential running mate.

“Do you suppose Joe Biden is really going to name a Communist Scientologist as his running mate?” Nimrod asked Asmodeus.

“Well if you’ve got a Communist Pope in the Vatican, why not a Communist Scientologist in the White House?” Asmodeus shrugged.

It just so happened that down in the fires of Tartarus, Karl Marx the Father of Communism was roasting away on a barbeque spit right next to the barbeque spit where science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard the founder of the Church of Scientology was busy roasting away.

Marx and Hubbard briefly wept tears of joy upon hearing the news before resuming screaming for the rest of eternity.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 3rd
2020.

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Saint Junipero Serra

June 24, 2020 at 10:30 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus and the little green fog Nimrod were sitting in a cafe diner in San Diego, California that had once been an old bus but was since converted into a diner.

Even though neither Asmodeus and Nimrod were wearing masks in public like California’s Neo-Stalinist governor Gavin Newsom had proclaimed in a Robespierreian Committee of Public Safety like Emergency Decree, the diner manager really didn’t feel like telling the demon or the little green frog to put on masks or leave.

The demon Baphomet (who likewise wasn’ wearing a mask) but looked and was dressed like a pre-eminent member of the LGBTQ+2S community (currently looking for more letters and numbers to appropriate), so wasn’t interfered with by the diner manager, passed by the duo’s table and showed them photos of statues of Saint Junipero Serra the Apostle of California being torn down in San Francisco and Los Angeles.

“This is what some of my Marxist-Leninist disciples have been up to,” the Baphomet grinned.

He/she/it then walked outside the diner to walk towards Saint Anne’s Catholic Church in the city.

A Neo-Bolshevik revolutionary had posted on his Instagram page calling on fellow Neo-Bolshevik revolutionaries to storm the Church, smash the statues and burn the Church to the ground.

The Baphomet was looking forward to the spectacle.

“Why did they tear down statues of Saint Junipero Serra?” Nimrod asked Asmodeus, “Who was he anyways?”.

“Well years ago, some Neo-Marxist academic made the claim that Saint Junipero Serra exploited and enslaved the native peoples of California and so he’s been on the Neo-Marxists’ shit list ever since,” Asmodeus’ cigarette ash spilled all over his 6 patty giant chili burger as he ate and smoked at the same time.

“And was the claim true?” Nimrod asked.

“Communists aren’t concerned with truth,” Asmodeus answered, “If they were, they wouldn’t be Communists.”

“But what were the actual facts on the ground irrespective of the Marxist lens of empirical reinterpretation and baloney enhanced reintegration?” Nimrod ate his baked salmon.

“Saint Junipero Serra was actually concerned about the attacks that certain groups of Spanish soldiers made on California’s indigenous peoples,” Asmodeus sipped his bottle of Corona beer, “And so even though he had an infirmed leg, he walked all the way to Mexico City on it in order to obtain special faculties of governance from the Viceroy of Spain stationed in Mexico City in order to discipline the military who were abusing the indigenous peoples. There is a physical reminder of the Viceroy’s orders (issued at Junipero Serra’s request) today. Everywhere there is a presidio (soldiers’ barracks) associated with a mission of the 21 missions that Junipero Serra founded in California, the presidio is always located miles away from the mission itself.”

“So, despite that, Junipero Serra’s statues are being torn down?” Nimrod used his long tongue to lick up a fly that had stationed itself on one of Asmodeus’ large beef patties.

“Well after decades of dumbed down public education in America, today’s youth in this country aren’t exactly the brightest on the planet,” Asmodeus dipped one of his fries in gravy.

On the television set above the diner’s kitchen window and next to the cashier’s booth, Melinda Gates was announcing that any covid-19 vaccine developed in America should be first tested on blacks and indigenous people before being given to whites.

While the lastest eugenics based announcement from the Gates evil duo would be of concern to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (Son of assassinated 1968 U.S. Democratic Presidential candidate Bobby Kennedy), most limousine owning and mansion owning white liberal Democrats (who were really Marxist Neo-Mensheviks (politically speaking) cheering on the Neo-Bolshevik mobs destroying small businesses, statues and churches outside their walled houses and gated communities) really wouldn’t raise an eyebrow of reprimand to the Gates duo.

After all the Gates duo supported the same globalist New World Order they wanted for the world.

In which a world of serfs (told daily that they were free within a Marxist paradise) would serve them.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 24th
2020.

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Archbishop Vigano Says The Vatican Never Released The Text of The Third Secret of Fatima

April 29, 2020 at 10:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Archbishop Vigano Says The Vatican Never Released The Text of The Third Secret of Fatima

The demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod were once again walking the streets of Rome.

They noticed a cardinal giving money to a bunch of distressed looking drag queens standing at a street corner.

“That cardinal looks familiar,” Nimrod remarked as he licked a black fly flavoured ice cream cone he was holding in his little webbed hands.

“That’s Cardinal Konrad Krajewski the Papal Almoner (papal chaplain in charge of distributing money to the deserving poor),” Asmodeus replied, “Ever since the Covid-19 pandemic struck, Rome’s transgendered prostitutes have suffered a work stoppage as a result of no more clients taking them out.”

“So, why is the Papal Almoner giving them money?” Nimrod inquired.

“Guilt, I imagine,” Asmodeus ate a take out plate of lasagna, “It was Francis’ Vatican officials who were undoubtedly their biggest customers. Kept them in their Paris and Milan designed sequined dresses, Wolford pantyhose and Christian Louboutin spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. Now they’re having to settle for hand me downs from the Salvation Army Women’s Clothing Department. It must have been quite the come down financially and fashionally speaking.”

A rare American tourist couple – a man and a woman- were out walking the deserted streets of Rome in total disobedience to the Italian government’s lockdown orders.

They were walking up the street and away from the Vatican.

The woman turned around and looked at the Vatican whereupon she turned into a pillar of salt.

“I see Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano (who’s been in hiding since the summer of 2018 to avoid being bumped off by Pope Francis’ gay lavender mafia) is saying that the Third Secret of Fatima (words spoken by the Virgin Mary to three shepherd children at Fatima, Portugal in 1917) has never been officially released by the Vatican despite Vatican claims they released it back on June 26th 2000,” Nimrod ate some Boston clam chowder soup with several flies in it.

“That’s true,” Asmodeus ate a beef donair, “British MP Renfield R. Renfield discovered the actual Third Secret in a retired Austrian Army colonel’s briefcase back on November 9th 2018. The same day that a geopolitical analyst friend of Renfield discovered that the text of the Third Secret had been given by the Virgin Mary to a Japanese nun Sister Agnes Sasagawa on October 13th 1973 finding the full message of Our Lady of Akita by deciding that the full message might actually be located at the back pages of Google Search on the topic Our Lady of Akita rather than towards the front.”

“And what was the essence of the message?” Nimrod swiped some hand sanitizing lotion from the back pockets of a Rome policeman so he could wash and sanitize his little webbed hands.

“It said that a Great War would be started in the 21st Century by Satan’s partisans in the East (possibly a reference to Russia or China or North Korea as Satan’s partisans in the West would of course be the United States of America and the European Union), fire would fall from Heaven and turn the waters of the ocean into steam and millions of people would die by the minute. There was also a prophecy that Satan would end up controlling one third of the Catholic clergy and Satan would succeed in infiltrating to the very top of the Church,” Asmodeus ate a submarine sandwich.

“What is considered the very top of the Church?” Nimrod struggled to get the top off a jar of roasted hazelnut peanut butter.

“The Papacy,” Asmodeus grabbed the jar of roasted hazelnut peanut butter for Nimrod and yanked the top off.

On the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica as the sun was setting, Pope Francis was making hand shadow puppets in the form of a horned goat’s head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 29th
2020.

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Asmodeus, Nimrod and The Amazing Syrian Teen Saint Who Fights Epidemics

March 27, 2020 at 11:24 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Asmodeus, Nimrod and The Amazing Syrian Teen Saint Who Fights Epidemics

The demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod were sitting atop one of the buildings that overlooked Saint Peter’s Square and were watching the proceedings down below.

They watched a lone Pope Francis stroll across the square and then sit in a chair under a canopy with a microphone in front of him.

Behind him was a Miraculous Crucifix of Christ that was only brought into the square at Christmas or Easter of a Holy Year (the last time it was in the Square was during the pontificate of Saint John Paul II during the Holy Year of 2000) or during times of plague and epidemic.

Pope Francis, after a priest had read from the Gospel of Mark where the account of Christ calming a storm at sea is told, then addressed the empty square to impart an Urbi et Orbi blessing upon the City (Rome) and the World.

“Why is the Pope speaking with his back turned on Christ?” Nimrod asked as he licked his Venus Fly Trap ice cream cone.

“It probably serves as a metaphor for the past 7 years of his 7 year papacy,” Asmodeus answered as he smoked a cigarette and sipped his bottle of Louisiana bourbon.

“What’s he saying?” Nimrod asked as he tried to get wax out of his ears.

An after effect of trying to read the Latin edition of The Necronomicon by candlelight last night.

“Oh, the gist of it is he’s telling people, It’s all your fault that this pandemic happened. If you had only followed the globalist agenda that I as your feigning humility Neo-Marxist tyrant-in-chief had told you to do, none of this would have happened. And now you have to stay in your homes and not receive the Body and Blood of Christ at the Mass as your punishment,” Asmodeus lit himself another dozen cigarettes and stuck them in his mouth.

“Wow, he actually said that?” Nimrod was horrified to discover that the take-out delivery soup he had ordered did not have a fly in it.

“Not in those blunt words of course,” Asmodeus rubbed some Friar’s Balsam on his lip burns, “He used nice sounding euphemisms like all adherents of the Modernist heresy are prone to do as Pope Saint Pius X noted in his 1907 encyclical Pascendi.”

“What is the heresy of Modernism?” Nimrod asked as he took a selfie of himself with his smart phone.

“It’s the synthesis of all heresies,” Asmodeus answered as he started playing an antique theremin musical instrument.

Meanwhile at the Catholic Cathedral in the German city of Aachen built by the Emperor Charlemagne (who was also buried there upon his death in 814 AD), the Cathedral’s resident archivist and historian suddenly recalled recently that the Cathedral held the relics of the little known patron saint of resisting epidemics in its basement chamber of relics.

The relics were of a 16-year-old girl killed by the Romans in Syria for professing the Christian faith.

The girl suffered a particularly excruciating death.

She was tied to two bent palm trees and then torn apart as the trunks were released.

The Syrian teen saint’s relics were brought to Aachen by King Otto III in 997 AD.

They were kept in a tomb underneath a slab in the cathedral which could be seen up until 1912.

They were then moved to the reliquary in the basement.

The removal of the Syrian teen saint’s shrine from a prominent place in the cathedral to a basement reliquary occurred in the year which saw the Titanic sink.

The First World War broke out a couple of years later.

But nobody would have really connected the moving of the saint’s relics with those events.

That is until it suddenly hit the Aachen Cathedral’s resident archivist/historian.

The archivist/historian knew that the patron saint of resisting epidemics had her relics among the relics in this cathedral.

What was her name again? The archivist/historian tried to recall.

And then her name- the name of the teen Syrian girl who had died so cruelly at the hands of the Romans for professing her Christian faith in 177 AD Syria- the teen saint who became the patron saint of resisting epidemics – her name?

Saint Corona.

And her Feast Day is May 14th- the date that Pope Francis was to announce this year that Catholic schools and centres of learning were to henceforth promote loyalty to the New World Order.

The meeting had to be postponed to October due to the outbreak of the Coronavirus.

Saint Corona: In happier times before she encountered soldiers of the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius’ army.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th
2020.

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Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day

October 24, 2019 at 10:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day 

The demon Asmodeus was sitting in a Rome taverna and enjoying a glass of absinthe with the little green frog Nimrod (who had been a mighty hunter back in the day of the Old Testament Book of Genesis).

The TV in the taverna was on and the news was being read,

“In Britain, Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering has been placed in charge of the investigation to find the human trafficking gang responsible for the deaths of 39 migrants who had been found frozen to death in a refrigerator truck that was parked in an industrial area in Essex…”

“I wonder what will happen to the human traffickers when Renfield gets his hands on them?” Nimrod asked.

“I imagine from what I’ve heard of Renfield’s reputation,” Asmodeus lit his 10,000th cigarette of the day, “they will die a slow painful death by bodily dismemberment.”

“I suppose that’s why Renfield is considered the inspiration for the character of Raymond Red Reddington on The Blacklist TV show,” Nimrod licked up absinthe from his glass with his long tongue.

“I imagine,” Asmodeus agreed as he sipped his absinthe.

“In other news,” the announcer on the TV went on, “Pope Francis dove into the Tiber River today when he spotted what he thought were Pachamama idols floating by. The idols had been thrown off the bridge into the Tiber River on Monday…”

“I wonder if Pope Francis knows how to swim,” Nimrod finished his absinthe.

“Don’t know,” Asmodeus shrugged as he motioned for the waiter to bring another couple of glasses of absinthe.

A girl walked by the window wearing a Saint Raphael medal around her neck.

“Great balls of fire,” Asmodeus turned pale and made a reverse Sign of the Cross.

“What is it?” Nimrod inquired.

“That woman was wearing a Saint Raphael medal,” Asmodeus answered.

“Si, signor,” the waiter said as he put down the glasses of absinthe, “today is Saint Raphael’s Day on the old Roman Rite Latin calendar.”

“What have you got against Saint Raphael?” Nimrod asked Asmodeus when the waiter departed.

“Well over 2 millennia and a half ago, when I had the hots for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah so much so that I murdered 7 of her husbands on the night their marriages to her were supposed to be consummated,” Asmodeus explained, “The Archangel Raphael befriended a young Hebrew man named Tobias and helped him get engaged to Sarah. The awful smell of a fish’s liver and heart being burnt and its fumes drove me away when I tried to attack Tobias on their wedding night. The smell was so bad, I fled from Media (where Sarah lived) all the way to Upper Egypt where Raphael followed me, bound me and buried me. I lay bound and buried for several centuries until an intoxicated Irish leprechaun named Yaldabaoth accidentally released me while he was visiting his mother Sophia in Egypt.”

“I can see why you’re not very happy with Raphael,” Nimrod nodded.

Meanwhile in another part of Rome, the Greek goddess Artemis rang the doorbell of a Vatican Cardinal’s apartment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 24th
2019.

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Nimrod On The Night of The Hunter’s Moon

October 13, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Nimrod On The Night of The Hunter’s Moon

Sunday October 13th 2019.

Evening.

The night of the hunter’s moon.

A full moon.

The first full moon that follows the harvest moon.

The hunter’s moon.

And on this night of the hunter’s moon, Nimrod (described in the biblical Book of Genesis as a mighty hunter against The Lord) stood on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica.

He, of course, was no longer a man.

After having been hit over the head by his wife Semiramis back in the days of Babel which should have killed him, the dying Nimrod was abducted by a group of ET grays.

They took him to his planet where they healed him.

Nimrod was grateful for otherwise he’d have probably wound up in the flames of Tartarus in the Underworld if he had died.

He hung around with the ET grays until their spacecraft crashed near Tuktoyaktuk Northwest Territories in Canada back in December 2014.

The crash killed both the grays and him.

Fortunately for Nimrod just before his spirit was to be thrown into Tartarus, he was brought back from the dead after the vampiress Lilith gave him a magic kiss after kissing him on the lips as his body lay in a DARPA secret research lab not far from Washington DC.

The magic kiss did have one serious side effect however.

It turned him into a little green frog.

And now the little frog that was Nimrod was quietly ribbiting on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica.

He was here because of a tarot card reading given him by the gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia when he was in London recently.

Dulcinea had told him that if he sat on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica during the next hunter’s moon, a magic bow and arrow would come down from the moon and he would once again be a mighty hunter.

So here was Nimrod waiting for the bow and arrow.

Several pieces of green cheese fell from the moon and fell nearby him which he ate.

Finally a bow and arrow fell right on top of his head.

“Owww!” Nimrod ribbited.

The centaur Sagittarius appeared to Nimrod and told the frog that the Vatican was about to be attacked by a pack of Transylvanian werewolves.

Nimrod could re-invigorate his hunting skills by hunting the werewolves.

Nimrod asked, “Why should I do that?”.

Sagittarius replied, “Because the Vatican has been under the control of Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and the Vampiric Knights-Templar since October 13th 2017. And remember Allatallahbel is an ally of Lilith who brought you back from the dead. So to help Allatallahbel keep the Vatican is a good thing. Those werewolves were hired by Russian President Vladimir Putin to take the Vatican for Russia.”

Nimrod didn’t understand modern geopolitics but took the centaur’s advice.

He checked his supply of arrows and was relieved to see they all had silver tips.

Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to kill a single werewolf never mind a whole pack of them.

When the werewolves attacked at the height of the hunter’s moon, Nimrod fired his arrows.

There were 99 werewolves in all.

As Nimrod fired, he sang,

“99 werewolves of fear on the wall,
99 werewolves of fear,
shoot one down, 
watch it hit the ground,
98 werewolves of fear on the wall…”

And so on and so forth until there were none left.

Allatallahbel: Pleased by Nimrod’s defence of her captive Vatican from an attack by an invading pack of Transylvanian werewolves

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 13th
2019.

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Asmodeus In London

April 22, 2019 at 10:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The heavy cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus was in London, England having lunch with his compatriots the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and her little green frog companion Nimrod (who was the Nimrod of Book of Genesis fame reduced to an amphibian).

“Has there been a revival of Eostre worship in this day and age?” Asmodeus asked Lilith.

Eostre was the name of an Anglo-Saxon goddess worshipped by Anglo-Saxons in England.

The early medieval English Church historian Bede had mentioned in his 8th Century manuscript The Reckoning of Time that during the month of Eosturmonabp (the Anglo-Saxon equivalent of the Roman month of April), the pagan Anglo-Saxons had held feasts in Eostre’s honour but during Bede’s time, this had been replaced by the Christian Paschal month a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus.

Tales associated with the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre included bunny rabbits laying eggs.

As The Guardian Newspaper writer and former Catholic Herald editor Peter Stanford ate a chocolate covered Baphomet at a table sitting across from them, Nimrod noticed on the television in the restaurant a news story about a woman telling Pope Francis that she had seven children.

Pope Francis admonished the woman that one shouldn’t go around breeding like rabbits.

At that point, a giant bunny rabbit hopped by in Saint Peter’s Square and laid a rainbow coloured egg on top of the Pope’s head.

Peter Stanford started choking on his chocolate covered Baphomet.

“I hadn’t heard there was a revival in Eostre worship?” Lilith looked perplexed, “Why do you ask?”.

“Well, there were headlines on both ABC News and The Washington Post that Tourists, Easter worshippers lament closing of Notre Dame. Then after the attack on churches and western tourist hotels in Sri Lanka that killed at least 290 people and injured 500 others, Barack Obama tweeted, The attack on tourists and Easter worshippers in Sri Lanka are an attack on humanity. And Hillary Clinton tweeted, I’m praying for everyone affected by today’s horrific attack on Easter worshippers and travellers in Sri Lanka. And Fox News talked about the attack on Easter worshippers in Sri Lanka that left so many dead. I was wondering with all these references to Easter worshippers if the worship of Eostre had been revived.”

“Well, you as a demon can’t mention aloud the Name of Jesus Christ can you?” Lilith smiled.

Asmodeus struggled to say the name but eventually gave up.

“Well, just like you as a demon can’t say the name of Jesus Christ, the Vatican’s chief exorcist for so many years Father Gabriel Amorth (who definitely had a 24/7 full time job performing exorcisms at the Vatican) noted that mortals who are under demonic influences likewise have trouble saying the name Jesus Christ. So since the term Christian has Christ in it, no doubt ABC News, The Washington Post, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Fox News can’t bring themselves to say that Christians were killed in the bombings so they use the term Easter worshippers instead.”

Peter Stanford who seemed to be having a wrestling match with his chocolate covered Baphomet quickly left the restaurant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 22nd
2019.

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Nimrod Sees A Psychiatrist: Recalling Life With Semiramis

November 27, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The famous Welsh psychiatrist Dr. Morgana Jones was able to see a new patient at her London clinic.

She did have an appointment with one of her regular patients the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to help treat his problem of sex addiction but she received a phone call from him cancelling at the last minute because he had spent the past 24 hours making out with the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB and he would likely be spending the next 24 hours doing the same.

She did receive a phone call from somebody claiming to be a British Member of Parliament who said he was feeling lonely and depressed because he was sitting alone in his hot tub and had nobody to blow bubbles and play his musical instrument with.

Dr. Jones told him to buy himself a Japanese sex robot and slammed the phone down.

The recepient on the other end called out, “Athelstan, can you find me the number of a sci-fi writer called George Finneganburg in the U.S.? I think he knows where I can buy a good Japanese female sex robot.”

As the Member of Parliament went about blissfully planning his own death by electrocution in a hot tub by hoping to get a Japanese female sex robot prone to blowing her fuse and short circuiting, Dr. Jones’ receptionist brought in a new patient.

He was a little green frog who called himself Nimrod and he hopped out from the top of a low-cut dress worn by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

“You’ll be okay while I go do my Christmas shopping for myself at Harrods?” Lilith asked.

Nimrod ribbited in the affirmative and Lilith was out the door like a bat out of Hell to go shopping at Harrods.

“Are you the Nimrod mentioned in the Bible?” Dr. Morgana Jones asked her new patient as he lay back on the couch and hugged a Sesame Street Miss Piggy doll.

“I am,” Nimrod ribbitted in the affirmative, “I used to be a mighty hunter before the Lord although it really should be properly translated against the Lord. But I like quoting the King James Version myself. It has such beautiful English.”

“How did you become a little green frog?” Dr. Jones queried as the “mighty hunter before the Lord” used his extra long tongue to catch and swallow a fly.

“It was the result of a love potion gone horribly wrong,” Nimrod hiccoughed after swallowing the lord of the flies.

“I don’t remember reading about that in the Biblical account,” remarked Dr. Jones who was raised in a Methodist home in Wales.

“It didn’t happen in Biblical times. It happened after I croaked the first time in Biblical times,” Nimrod croaked in Miss Piggy’s ear.

“Perhaps you better explain,” Dr. Jones crossed her legs which was followed by murmuring from the office’s lobster tank.

“Well, several centuries after I died in Biblical times,” Nimrod licked his lips, “I was brought back from the dead by ET grays who were visiting Earth on an expedition. Later I was killed again when the UFO they were flying crashed near Tuktoyaktuk in the Canadian Arctic. This time I was brought back to life by DARPA while the ET gray bodies were sent to Area 51 and became hopelessly lost like all ET gray bodies at Area 51 are prone to do. The guy in charge of the Freezer section at Area 51- some old geezer who has held the job since Roswell in 1947 and really should have retired years ago has just been named director of Canada Post’s Marijuana Parcel Delivery Program by Justin Trudeau after the latter was visited by Sherrielock Holmes as part of some act of vengeance by her friend Dracul Van Helsing against the country’s marijuana users.”

“So what would you say was the primary cause of your mental trauma that brings you here today?” Dr. Jones uncrossed her legs once again causing murmurs to come from the office’s lobster tank.

“That does date back to Biblical times,” Nimrod admitted.

“Was it perhaps building the Tower of Babel that did it?” Dr. Jones smoothed her pantyhose causing the office’s lobster tank to shake.

“I wasn’t the one who built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blubbered into his handkerchief.

“You weren’t?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“The Bible never says I built the Tower of Babel,” Nimrod blew his nose, “That was later expositors who said that. In fact it was my wife Semiramis who built the tower of Babel after she murdered me.”

Nimrod started to sob hysterically.

“Murdered you?” Dr. Jones was astounded.

“With an ice pick,” Nimrod bawled, “with the result that I never got the chance to enjoy my last cold beer in life. Then the bitch had the nerve to bury me face downwards so I could see where I was going.”

Nimrod was silent.

Then he admitted, “Still I suppose not seeing all those flames at first might have come as the greater surprise.”

“I can see why you’ve been traumatised,” Dr. Jones smoothed her skirt traumatizing the lobster in the tank.

“Yes, she murdered me, buried me face downwards so I could see where I was going and then had the nerve to tell the people of Babel that I had ascended into the heavens as a sun god,” Nimrod wept, “The only thing I got from the sun was sun burn. Then 18 months after I died, she gave birth to Tammuz claiming that it was a virgin birth.”

“It wasn’t?” Dr. Jones arched an eyebrow.

“No, the woman was a nymphomaniac,” Nimrod seethed, “she slept with every single member of the Palace Guard and gave them all sexually transmitted diseases.”

Nimrod looked at Dr. Jones with a pained expression on his face, “Do you know how hard it was to find a good palace guard in those days? I tell you not many were applying for the job or returning to it once word of the pox of Semiramis spread like wildfire among unionized members of Palace Guard guilds everywhere across the known world at the time.”

“Was Semiramis good in bed?” Dr. Jones asked as the lobster in the tank edged closer to the glass to hear the answer.

“I don’t know,” Nimrod shrugged.

Dr. Jones looked at the frog in shock.

“I remember when my very good friend Gilgamash Potatocus the commander of my Palace Guard lay dying,” Nimrod had tears in his eyes, “he said to me, “Your majesty, I have a confession to make to you before I die. I slept with your wife.” I looked at him and said, “With Semiramis?.” He nodded, “Yes.” And I said to him thoughtfully, “Gosh. Well, then you’re one up on me.” Then he expired. Just like the time on Lilith’s parking metre next to her Porsche as I see the policewoman writing her a ticket and putting it on the dashboard.”

The little green frog was standing at the window.

“Gilgamash Potatocus?” Dr. Jones repeated the name.

“Yes, everybody in Ancient Studies these days with the exception of the Dragon Sister prof Sydney Fox and her teaching assistant Nigel Bailey are always shooting their mouths off about how great The Epic of Gilgamesh is,” Nimrod seethed, “But the Epic of Gilgamash Potatocus is even greater. About how Gilgamash Potatocus visited Ireland where he was skinned alive and then mashed and then almost eaten by Irish cannibals before he managed to escape.”

Dr. Jones dropped her pen and bent right over to pick it up.

The lobster tank exploded.

“What’s up with that lobster?” Dr. Jones looked at the water and mess all over the floor, “I was told when I bought Chaucer that he was the younger brother of one of Set Enterprises’ star employees.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 27th
2018.

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Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

October 1, 2018 at 10:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vatican Roulette- Gambling On There Being No Hell

Pope Francis was having a late night supper in the Vatican with Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, the 6 last surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, his horse a zombie black horse named Bucephalus Reborn and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft).

Samhain Cardinal Salaman (a former professional stage magician who knew how the Indonesian ghost magician The Sacred Riana and the Canadian-American magician Shin Lim performed their tricks and illusions) had been invited to the dinner but declined when he heard what was on the menu.

On the menu was pork – pork that had been found either at the bottom of a lake or the bottom of a sea by Allatallahbel’s friend the mermaid 🧜‍♀️ goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the famous Assyrian Queen).

The sea bound pork was becoming quite indigestible.

Bucephalus Reborn the zombie black horse was quite literally throwing up cotton from eating it.

Pope Francis promptly lost his appetite for eating cotton candy at a circus anytime in the near or far foreseeable future.

It was fortunate for the Headless Horseman Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden that he only ate pumpkin 🎃 pie 🥧.

Thus avoiding the pork.

Amourous Laetitia decided to throw in the towel and become a vegetarian for the first time in her millennia old life.

She not only lost her pork dinner as a result of this meal but brought up her lunch as well.

That old buzzard of a vulture didn’t taste as good coming up as it did going down.

“I wonder where Atargatis got this pork from?” Allatallahbel threw up all over the gay Jesuit priest who served as Pope Francis’ valet.

Gospel of Mark Chapter 5:

Jesus exorcises the Gadarene demoniac asking the unclean spirit possessing the man, “What is thy name?” and the unclean spirit (or spirits) replies, “My name is Legion: for we are many.”

The demons possessing the man asked Christ to send them into some nearby swine.

Jesus granted them leave to do so.

The unclean spirits went into the swine and the herd of about 2000 ran off a cliff into the sea and were choked in the sea 🌊. (Mark Chapter 5: 1-20).

. . .

The leaders of the United States, Mexico and Canada announced that they had agreed to a renewed NAFTA trade deal to be renamed USMCA (United States Mexico Canada Agreement).

After Donald Trump had issued a victory tweet announcing the formation of USMCA, a group of Greenwich Village bathhouse employees wearing nothing but jockey briefs (which had pictures of Donald Trump at the back of the briefs) came out and did a dance routine on the streets bending over and singing a paraphrased version of an old 1970s Village People song, “Down at the USMCA…”

. . .

The newly installed Samhain Cardinal Salaman (former professional stage magician and ex-practicing Kabbalist) wasn’t sure whether he believed in the God of Catholicism or not.

But then years ago, Pope Francis had said that there was no Catholic God.

Still Samhain Cardinal Salaman decided to go down to Saint Raphael’s Chapel and pray to “whom it may concern”.

When he entered the chapel, he saw this vision greeting him:

A nun dressed in very unusual nun attire.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 1st
2018.

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The New Nazi-Russian Pact

August 23, 2017 at 7:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The New Nazi-Russian Pact

At the suggestion of the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf, Lilith asked the Norse god Thor to go to Hades for her and request the release of Rasputin’s spirit from the Underworld to go up to Russia and again create havoc like he had done for the Czarist government in the previous century.

Rasputin’s spirit promptly entered the body of a Russian Eurasian brown bear and possessed it.

The grey wolf possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin then signed a treaty today agreeing to someday mutually attack a certain country in the Middle East.

The treaty was signed aboard a Jules Verne visualized helicopter airship that bore the name Albatross II and was owned by the mysterious enigmatic individual known as Robur The Conquerer II.

The witnesses to the treaty were the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith, the little green frog Nimrod and the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus.

The treaty was signed on this the 78th Anniversary of the original Nazi-Soviet Pact.

. . .

Hillary Clinton sat at the table drinking her glass of lemonade.

She was angry about what a Fox News commentator said about her this morning.

The Fox News commentator had said that she had lost her marbles.

Imagine that, Hillary harrumphed.

She, Hillary Clinton, had lost her marbles.

Sheesh.

What would they say next?

Hillary looked at her guest sitting across the table from her- Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician- 6 ft. 6 in height, pinkish coloured fur, jade green eyes wearing an extremely large pair of spectacles 👓 on his pinkish bunny rabbit nose and whiskers and who, when he spoke, had a voice that sounded a lot like the late Hollywood actor Jimmy Stewart.

Hillary had recently started seeing Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician and had hired him to mathematically examine the tweets of Donald Trump to see if Trump was sending coded messages to Russian President Vladimir Putin through his tweets.

She had informed the editorial boards of The Washington Post and The New York Times about Dr. Harvey Nash’s assignment and they told her that they eagerly awaited the results of the investigation with editors from both papers sincerely saying maybe Dr. Nash’s inquiries should be the subject of a Congressional inquiry.

To be fair, she had also contacted Fox News about bunny rabbit mathematician Dr. Harvey Nash’s investigation.

But she never heard back from them.

The only thing she got was some nasty Fox News commentator saying that she Hillary had lost her marbles.

“Would you like another glass of lemonade, dear?” Bill called from the kitchen.

“No thanks,” Hillary said.

“But you had originally asked for 2 glasses of lemonade,” Bill pointed out.

“Well,” said Hillary, “I was originally wanting a glass for our guest but you didn’t bring him one.”

“What guest would that be, dear?” Bill asked.

Hillary shook her head and smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny mathematician as he mathematically found a coded message to President Putin in a single 3-letter tweet of Trump that said, WTF?.

“I think Bill is the one losing his marbles around here,” Hillary laughed.

“So no second glass of lemonade then, dear?” Bill asked again.

“No, but do bring some carrots 🥕,” Hillary said when she noticed how famished Dr. Harvey Nash looked.

“Did you say carrots?” Bill’s voice sounded quizzical from the kitchen.

“Yes, I said carrots,” Hillary sounded exasperated, “and really big ones too.”

“Chelsea,” Bill’s voice rang out, “will you go dig some carrots out of the garden? I’ve eaten carrots but I’ve never dug.”

“The carrots will be along shortly,” Hillary smiled at Dr. Harvey Nash the world’s greatest bunny rabbit mathematician.

. . .

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was modelling the robes he would wear when he proclaimed himself the new Sultan of the revived Ottoman Empire (after he had held a national referendum rigged in his favour of course).

The designer of the robes was none other than the great Milan fashion designer 👩‍🎨 Fabius Faberge.

Erdogan had hired Fabius Faberge to design his Ottoman Sultan robes on the recommendation of British singer Sir Elton John.

“How do they look?” Erdogan asked Fabius Faberge as the Turkish leader twirled around in his robes.

“Fabulous,” Fabius Faberge answered.

August 23rd 2017 was indeed an inauspicious beginning to future geopolitical events on the world stage.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 23rd
2017.

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