Dracul Van Helsing and The 84-Year-Old Kidnapping Mystery

May 18, 2017 at 4:03 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracul Van Helsing had just received a text message from the Greek goddess Aphrodite.

She had gone to Pyongyang North Korea and convinced her husband Hephaestus to stop building missiles for Kim Jong-un.

He agreed.

The trouble was he had already built 666 missiles for Kim Jong-un.

And the missile of his that North Korea had launched this past weekend had been successful.

In addition, an ancient Persian talismanic image that had been painted on each missile (showing the image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull with the words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image) seemed to ensure the missiles’ success.

Kim Jong-un had been instructed to paint the image and the accompanying Latin slogan on his missiles by a beautiful Korean vampiress who was a disciple of the Persian demonic god-prince Ahriman.

The Korean vampiress appeared wearing a white gown to Kim Jong-un and gave him his instructions.

She was known to Kim only as the Mysterious Woman In White.

Aphrodite’s information to Dracul had been confirmed in a report sent to him by his friend Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

Whitstable did not tell Van Helsing that the source for his information was Dracul’s ex-girlfriend the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan (now an agent for the South Korean National Intelligence Service who was currently spying in North Korea).

Dracul decided to phone Whitstable to further discuss the report.

After rehashing what had been said in the original report, Whitstable said, “Oh Dracul, there’s something else.”

“What would that be?” Dracul asked.

“Kim Jong-un apparently has an advisor- an Englishman who was loaned to him from the People’s Republic of China,” Whitstable stated.

“An Englishman who used to work for the People’s Republic of China and now works for North Korea’s dictator?” Dracul was amazed, “Who is this Englishman?”.

“Do you recall reading in your history books about the kidnapping of Byron Jennings back in the early 1930s?” Whitstable inquired.

“That was the case referred to by the North American press at the time as Britain’s Charles Lindbergh Jr. Kidnapping,” Dracul recalled, “although Byron Jennings was considerably older than Charles Lindbergh Jr. Byron was the grandson of a leading member of the British House of Lords at the time Lord Oswald Jennings as well as the son of a not so leading British Conservative MP of the day Spencer Jennings. Rumour had it that Byron had been kidnapped by Mei-ling Manchu the real life daughter of the real life Fu Manchu.”

“That is correct, Dracul,” Whitstable acknowledged, “and that’s who is currently advising Kim Jong-un. None other than Byron Jennings who was kidnapped as an 8-year-old-boy 84 years ago.”

“Good lord,” said Dracul, “he must now be in his 90s.”

“He is,” Whitstable admitted, “but he doesn’t look it. He’s a vampire.”

“Really?” said Dracul, “Who turned him into a vampire?”.

“Mei-ling Manchu the daughter of Fu Manchu,” Whitstable answered, “who’s currently alive and Undead and well and living as a vampiress in Beijing.”

After talking with Whistable for a while longer, Dracul then telephoned Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard and told him to finally close the books on an 84-year-old kidnapping mystery.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 18th
2017.

Mei-ling Manchu Becoming A Vampiress
Mei-ling Manchu becoming a vampiress after becoming a red dress Communist

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Renfield In Egypt and Then Germany

April 29, 2017 at 2:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

After the papal speech at al-Azhar University in Cairo, Pope Francis and the Egyptian vampire Osiris met behind closed doors with Islamic leaders from across the Muslim world.

A phone call from the conference room was put in to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Chief Rabbis of Israel.

Renfield R. Renfield who had bugged the room made notes.

“That’s very interesting,” Renfield thought to himself.

He left the notes on the table in his Cairo hotel room and put in a call to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set letting him know the developments.

“What,” Set seethed, “that bastard Osiris! Why does everyone want to make deals with him and not me?”.

“The world has bad taste, boss,” Renfield replied as he flicked through the Cairo hotel TV guide and noticed the reality TV shows Survivor and also Big Brother Canada were available on the hotel’s TV programming.

“What the world needs is a statue of Set in the proposed ecumenical Interfaith Temple in Jerusalem,” Set started pulling his hair out with his razor sharp fingernails in a dramatic barber like scene that hadn’t been seen since the days Johnny Depp played Edward Scissorhands.

Meanwhile over in North Korea, Kim Jong-un was busy sobbing on to his teddy bear (that had the face of Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter on it), “That woman in my dream told me that if I painted an image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull on my ballistic missiles, they’d launch successfully.”

The beautiful Korean woman in the white gown (from his dream) appeared behind him in reality and kicked him in the ass and told him, “I also told you to write the Latin words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image, you idiot.”

Renfield decided to stop off in Germany on his way home from Cairo.

He had received a message from his new found ally the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

There was important business that Renfield had to attend to in Bavaria.

In a quiet Bavarian village, Herr Dummkopf Drecksack was a driving test administrator.

He was the motherfucking asshole of all driving test administrators.

He had just given a hard time to a personal friend of Dracul Van Helsing and Renfield R. Renfield.

Flunking her for making one mistake.

Renfield followed the pink velvet pants wearing Herr Dummkopf Drecksack as he walked down the street.

He followed him to a post office where the man picked up a dozen packages of viagra and a dozen packages of cialis.

He then put them in his brown coloured VW bug and drove home.

Inside his house, he lit a candle in front of the giant photo of Adolf Hitler above his black altar.

“Like Adolf, do you?” Renfield said behind him.

“What the?-” Herr Dummkopf Drecksack turned around.

That evening, Berlin’s national TV news channel reported, “The driving test administrator was found hanging from his rusty brown VW bug in the middle of the town square with his pants and underpants pulled down and a dozen packages of viagra hanging from his right arm and a dozen packages of cialis hanging from his left arm…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 29th
2017.

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Kim Jong-un’s Strange Dream

April 27, 2017 at 4:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un had had a busy day.

He spent part of it overseeing the executions of people he deemed his “enemies”.

That took more than half his day. Finally he had to leave the execution site and attend to his other chores.

The other part of the day he spent inspecting the milking of cows while he smiled benignly with dairy workers in photos taken and released to the international press to show the world what a nice happy go-lucky guy he was.

Kim did wonder though why it took North Korean Red Army soldiers pointing their guns at them to force the North Korean dairy workers to smile.

Of course those soldiers with pointed guns weren’t shown in the photos released to the international press.

Kim then went home to bed where he had another beautiful North Korean Red Army female soldier waiting for him to attend to his special needs.

Once again trying to raise a certain part of his anatomy went about as successfully as most of his missile launches.

What a pity.

He would have to have his beautiful female companion for this night executed.

He couldn’t risk stories about his poor bedroom performance leaking out.

Kim Jong-un then watched a video of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam keeling over in Kuala Lumpur International Airport and dying.

Laughing, he turned off the TV and then the lights and went to sleep.

He dreamed he was walking by the ruins of an ancient temple that locals called the “Red Basilica”.

A voice from the Red Basilica hearkened unto him.

“Enter,” said the voice.

He entered the temple and there above the ruined altar, he saw a vision magically appear above it.

The vision showed a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull.

Above the vision of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull were these words, IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.

As Kim’s knowledge of Latin was non-existent, a voice after several moments spoke these words, “In this sign, conquer.”

Since Kim’s English wasn’t so great either, the voice then spoke the same words in Korean.

Kim stood there with a stupid looking expression on his face.

Finally a beautiful Korean woman in a white gown appeared over the altar and said, “It means, you idiot, you take this vision you saw of the scorpion attacking the white bull and you paint it on your missiles and they will rise and perform and do what it is that they’re supposed to do.”

“Oh,” Kim answered.

He then woke up.

He then phoned his missile launch center and told them to paint a picture of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull and then place a painting of the image on each one of his missiles.

He hung up the phone.

He then wondered if he should get a Pyongyang tattoo artist to put a tattoo of the image (a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull) on a certain part of his anatomy and he might get a better performance out of it.

No, Kim shook his head.

He had a vision of a Korean George Costanza (the name of a character from the American TV show Seinfeld) saying to him, “That’s gotta hurt.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 27th
2017.

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Cthulhu On The South China Sea

April 11, 2017 at 4:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

“Mr. President,” Trump’s aide was forced to interrupt him as he was writing yet another Twitter tweet, “ships are being attacked in the South China Sea.”

“Whose ships?” Trump looked up, “our ships? Who’s doing the attacking? The Chinese?”.

“All types of countries’ ships are being attacked in the South China Sea including China’s,” the aide replied, “and the attack is being carried out by a strange sea creature who stands hundreds of meters tall, has an octopus head for a head, the wings of a dragon on its back and has giant humanoid arms and legs with its hands and feet webbed.”

“Sounds like the preview trailer I saw for the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film with Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow,” Trump reflected.

“Nevertheless it’s real, Mr. President,” the aide said grimly, “The NSA believe that it’s the creature Cthulhu originally believed to have been a fictional character first mentioned in the works of an early 20th Century horror story writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

Trump picked up the phone and dialed a number, “Hello, Ivanka? Get thee to a library and read up everything you can find about a fictional monster called Cthulhu mentioned in the works of a horror writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

. . .

The Royal Australian Navy ship The H.M.S. Pirate Don Durk of Dowdee was the only one that survived the attack by the creature Cthulhu of all the ships attacked in the South China Sea that fateful day of April 11th 2017.

First Mate Gil Mebson asked Captain Haul Pogan how their ship The Dowdee managed to survive.

“Well when we left Mumbai,” Captain Pogan took off his alligator boot to scratch his foot, “that psychic I had gone to see in Mumbai Tantric Tanya advised me to cover the ship in garlic. When I asked why, she said, I’d know the reason when we sailed back to Australia. This must be the reason.”

“So this Cthulhu creature is allergic to garlic like vampires and certain demons are,” Gil Mebson said as he ate his butter chicken.

“Apparently,” Captain Pogan opened a can of beer, “and it’s a good thing too. Otherwise I might never have heard the song Waltzing Matilda sung ever again.”

“That ship there doesn’t seem to have been attacked either,” Gil Mebson pointed to a ship that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

“It appears to be a North Korean ship judging from the flag,” Captain Pogan peered through his binoculars, “and it’s got a huge television screen atop the mass broadcasting a speech from North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.”

“I wonder what he’s saying,” Gil Mebson drank some rum.

“Well, if my Korean serves me correctly,” Captain Pogan replied, “Korean which I learned from making love with beautiful female members of the Korean Dragon Sisterhood Warrioress Society back in my days in Seoul, Kim Jong-un is reciting passages from the Necronomicon in Korean. The Necronomicon was originally written in Arabic by Abdul Alhadrez in Damascus in 730 AD. I myself read the Latin edition of The Necronomicon as a young Jesuit seminarian until I decided I couldn’t accept celibacy after attending a Sean Connery James Bond Film Festival held in Melbourne. I believe the passages Kim Jong-un is reciting are those passages that call the Cthulhu to rise from his home at the bottom of the sea.”

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was surprised to receive a phone call from South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

He hadn’t talked to Hyung ever since she broke up with his friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Hyung had caught Dracul in bed in a menage a trois with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Egyptian vampiress Isis back on December 21st 2012 the day the world was supposed to end.

“Hyung, what’s up?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s Kim Jong-un,” Hyung replied, “last Christmas, he managed to get his hands on an ancient Korean copy of the book The Necronomicon. He’s now using that book to raise deadly occultic supernatural creatures from their resting places in the Underworld and at the bottom of the sea.”

“Wow,” said Whitstable, “too bad western intelligence hadn’t found about this earlier.”

Whitstable had on his desk a detailed report about today’s Cthulhu attacks in the South China Sea.

“Kim Jong-nam his half-brother found out about it and was going to reveal all after a gambling trip to Macau,” Hyung said, “but he got that fatal VX nerve agent towel in the face at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.”

“And now the young Stalinist brat Kim Jong-un has raised Cthulhu to attack shipping in the South China Sea by broadcasting Necronomicon pasages via satellite transmission to large screen TVs on North Korean ships,” Whitstable seethed.

“Who knows what other monsters he’s now going to raise?” Hyung looked over at her Samsung large screen TV.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 11th
2017.

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Dulcinea Lucia and Kim Jong-un

January 7, 2016 at 7:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia and Kim Jong-un

Gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia had a dream about the Far East as she lay in bed.

She dreamed she was in a theatre in Pyongyang the North Korean capital.

On stage suddenly appeared the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un holding a microphone and dressed in a white tuxedo and doing the John Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose.

Behind Kim Jong-un, a map of America was projected on to the wall behind him.

Turning with his microphone towards the projected map of America, the North Korean dictator started to sing to the tune of the song Daisy A Day,

” I’ll give you an H-bomb a day, dear
I’ll give you an H-bomb a day
I’ll bomb you until the rivers run red
And the flesh off your dead bodies melts away…”

On the floor of the stage where the Hermit Kingdom’s psychopath-in-chief sang, a severed charcoal burnt Black Hand single handedly vigourously applauded with its fingers and thumb.

Dulcinea Lucia woke up screaming.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 6th
2016.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Donald Trump

July 19, 2015 at 7:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of Donald Trump

As Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield watched the program Game of Thrones on the TV set in the office of the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster was sleeping with his eyes wide open (like he always did) in the laboratory’s large salt water tank aquarium.

He was dreaming (having a nightmare actually) of a world where Donald Trump was President of the United States.

In the dream, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un had sent an elite commando unit of North Korean micro-mini skirted women soldiers to capture U.S. President Donald Trump and hold him as a prisoner of war.

Kim wanted the Presidential access code for America’s nuclear missiles so he could use America’s own weapons against her in destroying her cities.

After 15 minutes of torture from the elite North Korean female commando unit and President Trump’s inability to know either the words or the tune to the North Korean National Anthem, the Donald was soon singing (soprano) like a (high-pitched) canary.

The missiles were then launched and numerous American cities and states were destroyed.

The North Korean women soldiers forced President Trump to watch the whole spectacle on television.

A reality TV cooking show where a celebrity chef was giving his recipe for Baked Alaska was interrupted by visual images of Sarah Palin’s home vanishing in the puff of smoke of a huge atomic mushroom cloud.

Once America was destroyed, Kim Jong-un had no further use for Prisoner of War No. 00000-00 and ordered him terminated.

After a last meal of Mexican enchiladas which went over like a lead balloon with the Donald, Trump was then taken out to the prison courtyard where the micro-mini skirted North Korean women soldiers were lined-up with their rifles and bayonets.

The slit skirted red dragon emblazoned gold evening dress leader of the commando unit then dropped her sword giving the signal to fire and said in perfect English, “You’re fired.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 19th
2015.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

December 21, 2014 at 9:01 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Movies, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

#10. Is worried he’ll be forced to apologize if he throws a fit being served peanuts in a bag on a Korean Airlines flight to America

#9. He’s already seen most of the in-flight movies on his home computer screen

#8. Deathly afraid of subliminal swearing that might come through on his Sony headphones while in flight

#7. Doesn’t know where to go for Korean food in Times Square

#6. Very worried that New York City cab drivers won’t accept North Korean currency

#5. He’ll have to wait until next year to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Santa Claus Parade

#4. Is worried that he’ll be asked to perform the Gangnam Style dance by stupid New York City tourists mistaking him for South Korean pop star Psy

#3. Is very worried that pigeons in Central Park might mistake him for a statue

#2. Is deathly afraid that he might be assassinated by the CIA in the middle of a Stupid Pet Tricks routine on the Letterman Show

and the #1 reason why Kim Jong-un won’t be interviewed by David Letterman is

#1. He’s already been asked by Ellen DeGeneres

-A Top 10 List For
David Letterman
written by Christopher
Sunday December 21st
2014.

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Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

April 23, 2014 at 7:25 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

The mysterious billionaire sat behind the dark curtains in his Park Avenue New York City penthouse apartment, drank Jasmine tea with a pinch of Arizona sagebrush and listened to the news on the radio.

“Russia will respond if its interests in Ukraine are attacked says Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov…

U.S. President Barack Obama says that the U.S. will support Japan in its territorial dispute with China over the Senkaku Islands (called Diaoyu Islands by China) in the East China Sea under the terms of Article 5 of the U.S.-Japan Treaty of Mutual Co-Operation and Security… the U.S. ‘s mutual Defence pact with Japan…

South Korea has announced that North Korea may conduct a nuclear test during President Obama’s upcoming visit to the Korean Peninsula…

In the Palestinian territories, Hamas and Fatah have announced a reconciliation deal and will form a unity government in the upcoming weeks…

In response, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called off further peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority…

The first contingent of U.S. troops has entered Poland for joint military exercises with Poland in the midst of tensions with Russia over Ukraine…

In another incident, the Air Forces of the United Kingdom, the Netherlands and Denmark all scrambled their fighter jets after Russian military aircraft were spotted approaching their airspace…”

The Park Avenue billionaire gurgled happily as he sipped his tea…

All was definitely going according to plan.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2014.

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Vampiress Morgana Visits Renfield

January 9, 2014 at 8:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vampiress Morgana Visits Renfield

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana knocked on the knockers of the door of the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

She was dressed in the tight brown skirted uniform of a member of the North Korean Army’s Women’s Corps.

She had recently left North Korea where she had been for celebrations marking the 31st birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set answered the door.

He was wearing a red velvet dressing robe and smoking a pipe.

He had been in the bathtub playing with his rubber ducky and making plans for the new political party he had just founded- The British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

“Rennie,” Morgana spoke to him in an out-of-breath voice, “we need to talk.”

. . .

Elton was walking on thin ground with his employers at Special Branch.

He had blown his last 10 assignments.

One more and he was out of his job with Special Branch.

His mission today was to stand at this street corner and wait for the Ukrainian Ambassador to London to walk towards him.

He was then to put the Ukrainian Ambassador into the waiting Rolls-Royce limousine which would then drive away to an undisclosed location where the Ambassador would have a top-secret meeting with British Prime Minister David Cameron to discuss the on-going political crisis in Ukraine.

Elton was wearing pink-framed and rose-coloured sunglasses like those worn by his mother’s idol Sir Elton John (for whom he was named).

As such he had forgotten his regular eyeglasses at home.

Walking down the street was Amadeus Emanon the genetically cloned and laboratory created personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (Amadeus had been cloned from the DNA of locks of hair from composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, California mass murderer Charles Manson and British actor Alan Rickman).

Amadeus just happened to be carrying a take-out dish of perogies and sour cream.

As soon as Elton caught the whiff of perogies and sour cream, he deduced that this must be the Ukrainian Ambassador and so immediately grabbed Amadeus and pushed him into the waiting Rolls-Royce limousine.

And so Amadeus was off- to an unexpected meeting with David Cameron the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

And Elton stood there on the street waving to the departing limousine- oblivious to the fact that he’d soon be out of a job.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 9th
2014.

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Isis On Eiffel Tower and Dennis Rodman Sings Happy Birthday To Kim Jong-un

January 8, 2014 at 8:05 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Isis On Eiffel Tower and Dennis Rodman Sings Happy Birthday To Kim Jong-un

The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was standing on top of the Eiffel Tower wearing her trademark red evening dress and black spiked stiletto high- heeled shoes.

She was standing on top of the Eiffel Tower hoping to get better reception for her BlackBerry Smart Phone as lousy weather seemed to be affecting the city’s wi-fi transmission system.

She happened to spot an Instagram photo of Russian billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky exiting a Swiss chalet looking ashen white after what the poster of the photo described as “an unexpected surprise meeting with the Romanov billions heiress the Vampiress Martini and elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf”.

“Hm, Khodorkovsky, eh?” The Vampiress Isis mused aloud, “He could be a potential ally for me in my fight against Putin.”

The Vampiress Isis had been pissed at Putin ever since a Russian nuclear submarine fired a laser death ray at her husband Osiris’ returning spaceship disintegrating both spaceship and her husband.

. . .

Dennis Rodman was going to sing Happy Birthday to the man he described as his “best friend” the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Mr. Rodman was wearing a sequined gold evening dress and a Marilyn Monroe style platinum blonde wig.

He approached the microphone and then sang in a sultry, sexy Marilyn Monroe style voice,

“Happy Birthday, Mr. President,
Happy Birthday to you…”

The wife of Kim Jong-un looked at her husband as he watched this performance and asked him, “Is that a chopstick in your trousers or do you just appreciate his singing?”.

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 8th
2014.

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