Notre Dame In Paris To Be Restored With Original Gothic Style Spire

July 11, 2020 at 10:18 pm (Art, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The spire of Notre Dame Cathedral which was destroyed in a fire in April of 2019 will be restored according to the original Gothic design French President Emmanuel Macron announced a couple of days ago.

Macron had originally said after the fire that he was in favour of a “contemporary gesture”.

However the French President wanted the restoration to be completed by 2024 when Paris is hosting the Olympics for that year (assuming of course that most of humanity hasn’t died off from the Covid-19 virus or died off from massive carbon dioxide poisoning after having worn face masks 24 hours a day in the last idiotic decree of the WHO and numerous politicians around the world).

The process of designing a contemporary modern spire with an international competition for architects of no doubt exceedingly bad taste would have caused unnecessary delays.

France’s National Heritage and Architecture Commission thus recommended going with a spire in the original Gothic design.

The Cathedral’s first spire was built in the 13th Century but due to extensive damage it had to be removed in the late 18th Century.

Its replacement, designed in the Gothic style by architect Eugene Violett-le-Duc, was built in the mid-19th Century.

Jean-Louis Georgelin (the French Army General put in charge of the reconstruction effort) wanted a modern or maybe even a post-modern alternative to replace Violett-le-Duc’s Gothic design.

Architects from around the world submitted designs including one design with a rooftop pool and another with a giant park and greenhouse on the roof.

Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie had even submitted an architectural design that showed a giant male phallus surrounded by pancakes.

It was mercifully lost in the mail.

The cathedral’s chief architect Philippe Villeneuve consistently spoke out in favour of a faithful restoration of the previous 19th Century Gothic style design.

This upset Gen. Georgelin and in a heated exchange at a meeting of the French National Assembly’s Cultural Affairs Committee last November, the General told Monsieur Villeneuve to shut his mouth.

Seconds later, Gen. Georgelin had a Devonshire Cheese cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.

Although a few Harvey Wallbanger imbibing members of the committee swore it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears who did the deed.


Esmeralda and her pet goat Djali look on in horror at some of the proposed designs for Notre Dame’s spire.

-A vampire novel written by Christopher
Saturday July 11th 2020.

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Origins of May The Fourth

May 4, 2020 at 10:00 pm (Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, Mystery, News, Science-Fiction, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Origins of May The Fourth

Back in the mid-1970s as George Lucas was holding auditions for the voice of Darth Vader for his upcoming Star Wars motion picture, among those auditioning for the voice role were writer and actor Truman Capote.

This was the line all audition participants were to speak when auditioning for the Darth Vader voice role, “May the Force be with you.”

Then it came Truman Capote’s turn to audition.

Truman Capote (speaking with his usual fruity lisp): May the fourth be with you.

Thinking that for a galactic villain whose voice was supposed to send chills down audience spines and make their blood run cold, the makers of Star Wars settled for the deep baritone voice of James Earl Jones instead.

However back in the early 2000s, an Australian with the popular nickname of Uncle Ernie found the Truman Capote audition video tape in an old Star Wars lunch box he found in some old cupboards in his backyard unregulated and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing lab.

And a legend was born.

Since that time, May the Fourth became known as International Star Wars Day.

As May the Force Be With You became Truman Capote’s immortal May the Fourth Be With You.

. . .

“Beam me up, Scotty,” William Shatner spoke to his AI automated dispenser of his favourite brand of toilet paper as he sat on his starship throne.

. . .

Meanwhile in the catacombs of Paris, Marmalade Montague the eccentric former baker who had recently proclaimed himself Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze overheard a plot by a group of Grand Orient Lodge Freemasons to turn Notre Dame Cathedral into a New Age Freemasonic Temple.

Said the Grand Orient Lodge master, “I’ve been told by the Divine Falcon Headed Human Body Hybrid Horus himself that a world altering miracle will happen this coming May 14th.”

“That’s the same day Pope Francis told all the religions of the world to pray together isn’t it?” the Lodge secretary inquired.

“It is,” the Grand Orient Lodge master answered.

Marmalade Montague decided he better exit the catacombs before his presence was noted.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 4th 
2020.


The Greek goddess Aphrodite pointing downwards at a snake slithering along the floor of one of the Vatican Museum halls.

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Norse Goddess Freya On The Canals of Venice

April 16, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Norse Goddess Freya On The Canals of Venice

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Dr. Cadbury Rocher the chief scientist of Set Enterprises, British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds one of the Church of England’s leading exorcists, Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol and Australian outback based Amadeus Emanon were having another video conferencing discussion via Skype.

“Well, the economy will have to open up again gradually,” Set stated, “or the world is going to fall into a great economic depression from which it will never recover. Not of course that the Communists in the WHO, the UN, the Vatican or numerous national bureaucracies all over the globe care since a great economic depression is right up their Marxist totalitarian despot alley. But it will have to take place gradually not full speed ahead like the would be American Neo-Roman Caesar Donald Trump would have it. I think though all major public events all over the world such as sporting events, concerts, parades, rodeos and any other massive public gatherings will have to be put on hold until at least September 30th of this year. Let’s be realistic about that. If governments all over the world would say that, they’d be honest. After a while of extending lockdowns for 25 days after every 25 days which seems to be the way the bozos of our national leaders all over the world seem to be going, people are going to start getting cynical about the whole thing. There can be a gradual opening up of various businesses over the new few months. But any large events or massive public gatherings are out. Until at least September 30th of this year. And sadly maybe even beyond if necessary. But at least prepare the world for the fact that no major sporting events or parades or concerts or massive social gatherings are going to happen this summer of 2020. And not until a week after the autumn equinox after that.”

“If the governments of the world were honest, they’d tell people that,”
Renfield admitted.

“But are most of the governments of the world honest?” Amadeus asked as he ate a slice of pecan pie.

“No,” Renfield sipped from a bottle of whisky.

“Glad to see that we’ve got that out of the way,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher dusted some dandruff off his lab coat.

“What does Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster have to say about the world political scene?” Set asked Dr. Rocher.

“Well, he says that Joe Biden is not going to get the Democratic Presidential nomination this year,” Dr. Rocher wiped his glasses.

“Why not?” Set swallowed another live crocodile, “I thought Biden had the number of delegates pretty well sewn up including every other candidate (among which was Bernie Sanders) endorsing him.”

“Yes, but ever since January of this year, Michelangelo has had this vision of Joe Biden keeling over,” Dr. Rocher noted.

“Keeling over?” Set took a giant Rolaids tablet for his giant heart burn.

“Kicking the bucket, croaking,” Dr. Rocher explained as a frog hopped out of a frozen ice bucket of Corona beer behind him.

“Well, that would definitely upend the U.S. Democratic Party if that were to happen,” Renfield lit his pipe.

“Wasn’t Michelangelo the only being on the planet back in early October of 2016 who was predicting that Donald Trump would win the Presidency when all the opinion polls were showing that he was 20 points behind Hillary?” Amadeus asked.

“There was a geopolitical analyst who found himself having to live in a homeless shelter in Calgary back in the summer and early autumn of 2016 who was saying much the same thing,” Renfield was on to his second bottle of whisky, “And everyone was telling him that he was crazy. But like so often, his insanity turned out to be more accurate than everybody else’s sanity.”

“So who’s going to be the Democratic nominee?” Set bit into a marmalade laced scone.

“Michelangelo won’t say,” Dr. Rocher shrugged, “He’s keeping those cards close to his chest.”

“Michelangelo always was a Hell of a poker player,” Renfield was suddenly remembering that he still owed the lobster £10,000 from their last poker game.

“Anything else about the U.S. political scene we should know vis-a-vis Michelangelo?” Set bit into some homemade apple pie.

“The U.S. Presidential election may be postponed until a later date,” Dr. Rocher answered as the ghost of Nero started playing his fiddle in the background and the ghost of Julius Caesar started getting the blood washed off his toga.

. . .

The Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai stood inside the empty Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris and admired his handiwork.

A year ago yesterday Father Caiaphas had set fire to it while riding a fire breathing basilisk named Basilisk Wrathsbone.

Father Caiaphas laughed as he opened up his 1588 Latin edition of The Necronomicon and started saying a few prayers.

. . .

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had received an emergency email from the Norse goddess Freya saying that her stepson Thor was up to no good in this time of the Covid-19 pandemic.

They were to meet in person in gondolas on the now empty canals of Venice.

The Norse goddess Freya waited for Dracul Van Helsing in her gondola on the canals of Venice.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Thursday April 16th
2020.

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215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

December 2, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral

It was 215 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned as Emperor of the French in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Pope Pius VII had held the crown at the coronation ceremony in Notre Dame but Napoleon grabbed the crown from the pontiff and crowned himself Emperor of The French.

The Kraken Napoleon VI (who was a huge admirer of the original Emperor Napoleon I) decided to mark the occasion by having himself crowned Emperor of the French again.

He had himself crowned Emperor of the French by the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 2015.

But no one in the French government or any voters among the French electorate recognized the Imperial Coronation much to the Kraken’s disappointment.

Of course on this particular occasion Notre Dame Cathedral was now closed to the public since the April fire in the cathedral earlier this year.

And the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral attended classes on the Quran every Monday night so he was unable to attend for the Kraken’s re-coronation service this evening.

So the Kraken decided to hold his re-coronation ceremony (marking the original Napoleon’s 215th year of coronation) in front of Paris’ famous Arc de Triomphe.

He wore neo-Napoleonic French Imperial robes designed by the House of Chanel to easily accommodate his 8 arms.

He hired a stork (who had tired of the baby delivering business) to fly down and deposit the Crown of Napoleon I on his head after fireworks had gone off and the Orchestre de Paris had finished played a stirring rendition of La Marseillaise as well as the theme music from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy.

The ceremony went off without a hitch.

Donald Trump, who was currently in London for tomorrow’s 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO, watched the coronation ceremony on British television.

Trump thought to himself, “I really should have myself crowned Emperor of America.”

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was likewise in London for the 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO.

He had recently heard the good news from CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) that a pair of time travellers had gone back in time and rescued his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered by PRC Ministry of State Security operatives on Xi Jinping’s orders.

Justin Trudeau had heard that Strawberry Fields Forever was currently being kept on the colossal London estate of the Egyptian billionaire Set who owned the multi-billion dollar research and development firm Set Enterprises.

Trudeau directed the Canadian Embassy car to be driven to the Set mansion so he could re-unite with his old friend Strawberry Fields Forever.

However Justin did not announce his visit and the Embassy car was set upon by the Set Estate’s guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore who tore the Rolls-Royce limousine apart with her claws.

She then set out after the Canadian Prime Minister and the Embassy chauffeur.

The Embassy chauffeur managed to escape.

Justin wasn’t so lucky.

He had his clothes ripped off by Nefertiti Galore’s claws.

He was then arrested by Scotland Yard police for exposing himself on the streets of London.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu were in London and were walking back from a service commemorating the victims of last Friday’s London Bridge attack.

Renfield happened to walk in the way of Donald Trump who happened to be exiting his limousine.

Trump who thought Renfield could be as easily pushed around as the Prime Minister of Montenegro a couple of years back pushed Renfield out of the way.

Big mistake on Trump’s part.

Renfield turned around and punched Trump in the head sending his golden urine coloured toupee flying 50 feet down the street.

Secret Service agents tackled Renfield to the ground thinking he was an assassin.

Big mistake on the Secret Service agents’ part.

Mei-ling Manchu moved quickly into action and used her martial arts skills to kick and send all of the Secret Service agents flying over the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

A dirigible flying above the dome carried John Donne’s message, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd 
2019.

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Welsh Vampiress Morgana and The Killer Locust

July 17, 2019 at 10:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Welsh Vampiress Morgana and The Killer Locust

The Welsh vampiress Morgana was being followed by a spy for the Rome-based Egyptian vampire Osiris.

She was walking through Collingwood Hills Park not far from the estate of the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

The spy (which was a giant locust) had been created by the Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas Bar Yochai who did contract research work and experimentation for Osiris.

Father Caiaphas would have been best known (if people knew he did it) for having stolen a flying basilisk (a creature part rooster and part serpent who usually did not have the ability to fly) that had been genetically created by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher, and the Jesuit had used the flying basilisk with its venomous fiery breath to set fire to Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris this past April 15th.

Osiris knew that the Welsh vampiress Morgana was the parliamentary colleague and fellow British Transhumanist MP of Renfield R. Renfield a former Set Enterprises employee who still worked closely with his former boss the Vampire Set (who was Osiris’ arch enemy).

The Egyptian deity (who resided in Rome not far from the Vatican) thought that spying on Renfield’s parliamentary colleague might prove informative and advantageous.

Father Caiaphas’ spy locust made a lot of noise as it followed
Morgana through the forest.

Morgana quickly turned around.

Fortunately for Morgana, she had received a text message that morning from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster (who had typed it on his waterproof iPhone with his lobster claws in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory).

Michelangelo advised her to put some extra strength Raid House and Garden Bug Killer on her spiked stilettos as this might come in handy at some point in the day.

Morgana had followed Michelangelo’s advice and put some on the points of her spiked stilettos.

As soon as Morgana saw the locust spy, she kicked it with one of her insecticidal laced spiked stilettos on one of her high heeled shoes.

The huge locust immediately fell over dead.

“How did you do that?” Asked an astonished bystander.

“It’s like that old TV commercial used to say,” Morgana smiled at him, “It’s Raid. Guaranteed to kill bugs dead.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 17th
2019.

Author’s note: The above is apparently my 2000th blog post that I’ve posted on WordPress.

Wow, 2000 blog posts already.

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Notre Dame Reflections

April 17, 2019 at 9:29 pm (Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, History, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

“Hold the Cross high so I may continue to see it through the flames.”

-Joan of Arc

France’s national leader Emmanuel Macron held a somewhat different opinion than that held by France’s national saint when it comes to dealing with situations regarding fire.

The globalist New World Order leader and noted admirer of cougars who was promising to rebuild Notre Dame within 5 years (just in time for the 2024 Summer Olympics that Mr. Macron naturally visualized himself presiding over) thought that the new Notre Dame should reflect multicultural diversity rather than Catholicism.

Fortunately for Mr. Macron, he was not alone in holding to such idiocy.

One of the editors of Rolling Stone magazine likewise postulated that a rebuilt Notre Dame should reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Catholic past.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster safely prophesied that the editor would not be calling on the Islamic mosques at Mecca and Medina to do the same thing- that the mosques should be rebuilt to reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Islamic past.

Said Renfield, “That is a safe prophecy to make. The rolling stoned editor knows that if he were to bloody well suggest that, he’d find himself being bodily dismembered by Saudi assassins who work part time as janitorial staff at Saudi embassies and consulates throughout the world.”

A professor of architecture at Harvard University had likewise suggested much the same thing- that Notre Dame should be a multicultural center rather than a symbol of Catholicism.

Noted Renfield, “Just last week I heard a commentator on the state of advanced education in the U.S. say that Harvard and Yale are no longer the institutions of culture and higher learning that they used to be. I guess that assessment is 100% correct.”

One reporter on the scene at Notre Dame commented, “The day after the night before at Notre Dame de Paris, the High Altar stands untouched with its gleaming Cross, along with the figure of the weeping Madonna holding her dead son Jesus in her arms. Meanwhile the modern altar installed after Vatican II lays buried under rubble from the collapsed roof.”

Pope Francis had already retreated to his room in the Vatican to put on sackcloth and ashes upon hearing what had happened to the modern altar.

Government surveyors from Emmanuel Macron’s office were already on the scene visualizing the rebuilding of the new Notre Dame- a statue of an Islamic State terrorist blowing himself up along with statues of tourists at a Parisienne sidewalk cafe being killed by the debris, a statue of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith Jr. rolling a marijuana joint with the angel Moroni and statues of L. Ron Hubbard eloping with Jack Parsons’ mistress while Aleister Crowley looks on approvingly.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 17th
2019.

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The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral

April 15, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.

“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.

“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.

“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.

“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.

“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.

And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.

Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.

Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.

“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.

“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”

“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”

“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.

“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).

“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).

“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”

“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.

“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.

“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.

“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”

“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.

“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.

“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.

On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.

“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”

“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.

“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.

Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.

“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”

“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.


The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame

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The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 2, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre and helped himself to the Crown of Napoleon I.

The security guards decided not to argue with him since he was a Kraken (they had seen the Geico Insurance TV commercials where a kraken had caused havoc on a golf course).

Outside the Louvre, he strangled a bunch of Islamist terrorists who got in his way (they had not seen the Geico kraken golf course commercials since their major entertainment fare these days consisted of producing and starring in beheading videos).

When Medusa arrived in their hotel room, the Kraken was standing there holding the Imperial Crown of Napoleon I in one of his eight spiked tentacle metallic hands.

He announced he was going down to Notre Dame Cathedral to have the Monsignor there crown him Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

Medusa insisted that was fine but she had better pick up a new dress for the Coronation first.

So some 3-4 hours later and now in their 66th dress shop in Paris’ exclusive fashion district, the Kraken looked at the Rolex watch on one of his 8 tentacled arms and sighed, “I’d really like to get to Notre Dame before it closes.”

“Oh, be quiet, you big grump,” Medusa gazed in the mirror at the dress she was currently wearing, “being crowned Empress of the French is a once in a lifetime experience.”

. . .

Later in Notre Dame Cathedral, Medusa wore a beautiful gold coloured evening dress that Helen of Troy would have probably dumped Paris for and the Kraken wore his post-human Transhuman cyborg octopus test tube birthday suit since he was unable to find a tux that would fit him at the All Night Men’s Formal Wear Rental Store that they had visited.

The Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral was shocked when confronted with the sight of a Kraken wanting himself crowned Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

“I better phone my superiors for permission first,” the Monsignor said.

. . .

“The bells, the bells,” the hunchback papal assistant Quasihomo held his hands over his ears as the papal cell phone went off.

Later Quasihomo entered the papal apartment where Pope Francis was in bed reading a book called How To Look Humble and Self- Effacing In Public (Hint: Only Use A Compact Ford Or Volvo Or Similar Vehicle As Your Popemobile).

“Holy Father, the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is on the line,” Quasihomo explained, “he says that a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside the Cathedral.”

Pope Francis reached for his copy of Dogmatic Theology For Dummies, “Did you say a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside Notre Dame Cathedral ?”.

“Yes,” said Quasihomo.

“Well, who am I to judge?” said Pope Francis.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 2nd
2015.

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The Halloween Resurrection of Osiris

October 31, 2014 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Halloween Resurrection of Osiris

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was at Interpol’s International Headquarters in Lyon, France.

He was viewing some videos on his office computer.

For a while now, Whitstable suspected that the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was up to something in her secret laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.

His suspicions heightened when he videotaped the Vampiress Isis pushing Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death off the bell tower of Notre Dame Cathedral on the 1st of this month.

Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius landed on top of a Paris street corner poetry reciter who was reciting John Donne’s poem on For Whom The Bell Tolls at the time killing the poetic thespian in the process.

As Peter Whitstable was busy videotaping the whole thing and uploading it to his YouTube account, a young French woman standing next to him was busy calling 112 (the French emergencyonumber equivalent of the North American 911 emergency number) on her cell phone.

Whitstable saw the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec fly by as he was videotaping (quite literally fly by for the sexy evening dress wearing Vampiress suddenly turned from a beautiful woman into a midnight black vampire bat).

Then last Friday evening the 24th of October as he sat in a Parisienne cafe enjoying some fresh oysters and sipping champagne, he videotaped the Vampiress Isis having filet mignon and red Bordeaux wine with Dr. Cadbury Rocher the Chief Research Scientist for Set Enterprises in London.

He gathered while eavesdropping on their conversation that Dr. Cadbury Rocher no longer worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

Apparently a dinner of steak and lobster, steak tartare and la viande de cheval at the St. James’ Court Hotel main dining room in London had gone horribly wrong the evening of Wednesday October 22nd 2014.

The result was Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up at the table, quit his job and left (sticking the Vampire Set with the cheque).

As he exited, Dr. Rocher said he saw Dr. Henry Kissinger sitting at a table and overheard him tell former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on his cell phone that she should really buy herself a nuclear radioactive protection suit and start learning Russian.

“We will deal with the Russians when the appropriate time comes,” Isis ground her Black Sea oyster into fine dust with her bright gold painted fingernails.

Dr. Rocher had accepted Isis’ dinner table offer to come work for her.

On condition that she provide him with the necessary funding for his latest pet project Pegasus- an effort to genetically create the winged horse of Classical Greek mythology.

Isis agreed but first Dr. Rocher must for her re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of her brother, husband and lover Osiris and put them back together again.

Osiris had been vapourized into non-existence by a laser death ray fired at his returning spaceship by a Russian submarine when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012.

Hence Isis’ intense hatred of Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

. . .

Cardinal JM was gazing at a mysterious envelope placed on his desk in his Vatican office.

He did not recognize the handwriting on the envelope.

And he had no idea who put it there.

For his own personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe had gone down to Rome’s Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic for some reason.

Cardinal JM used his 3-headed dog Cerberus letter opener to open the envelope.

He reached inside.

What he read shocked him.

For it purported to be the text of The Third Secret of Fatima.

Although Cardinal JM did not personally believe in the apparitions of the Blessed Virgin Mary said to have appeared to three shepherd children near the village of Fatima, Portugal on 6 different occasions from May 13th to October 13th 1917 (although he never publicly expressed those views aloud during the pontificates of Popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI), what he read still intrigued him immensely.

Ever since Italian journalist Antonio Socci published his book The Fourth Secret of Fatima back in 2006, people had always wondered about Socci’s claim that it was only the “vision” associated with the Third Secret that the Vatican had released to the public back on June 26th 2000.

In the previous Two Secrets of Fatima, there were visions that the 3 children at Fatima were alleged to have seen and then there were accompanying texts- words alleged to have been spoken by the Virgin Mary to the 3 children explaining what the visions meant.

But in the Third Secret that the Vatican released back in 2000, there was only a “vision”- a vision of a Bishop dressed in white climbing up a steep mountain at the top of which was a big Cross of rough-hewn trunks- while climbing the mountain, the Bishop in White passed through a big city half in ruins and when he reached the top of the mountain- as he was on his knees at the foot of the Cross- he was killed by a group of soldiers who fired bullets and arrows at him.

But there was no text released- or words by the Virgin Mary explaining to the 3 children at Fatima what the vision meant.

Now here in front of him were supposedly the words (accompanying the vision) that were spoken by the Virgin Mary to the 3 shepherd children at Fatima.

Hm.

Very interesting.

As a worshipper of the Ancient Greek gods (in secret of course!), Cardinal JM longed to see such chaos in the Church and the world that the worship of the ancient gods would be restored to bring back stability.

Let’s say he were to fax a copy of the contents of this envelope to say… Russian President Vladimir Putin… would that not bring about the chaos in the Church and the world that he longed to see?

Cardinal JM went over to his old photocopier and copied the document that was inside the sealed envelope.

Then he went over to his fax machine and faxed the copy to Vladimir Putin’s office in the Kremlin.

He then stood at his office window overlooking Saint Peter’s Square.

He noticed a figure in the street below his window wearing a black Venetian masquerade mask, a black cape, a black hat and holding a black walking stick.

The figure looked up at Cardinal JM and spoke in a whisper.

But the words of the whisper seemed to echo through Saint Peter’s Square.

“Jacques de Molay, thou art avenged!”.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield went to see his friend Amadeus Emanon in the hospital on this Halloween night.

For Amadeus was still in hospital recovering from shrapnel wounds he received when Renfield led a commando rescue mission on a Cornwall farmhouse to, as the British media put it, “Free his friend from the ISIS terrorists who were holding him hostage here in this sceptered isle.”

Renfield figured his friend would probably be feeling depressed because normally Amadeus liked going out trick or treating on Halloween night.

Renfield brought along a bag of chocolate bar and candy treats that Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises had sent along as a gift for Amadeus.

He also brought along a pumpkin pie that had been baked for Amadeus by Miss Miranda Singh the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.

As his own gift Renfield brought along a couple of videos- the 1982 film Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the 1993 film The Nightmare Before Christmas for them to watch together as they ate the Halloween treats and the pumpkin pie.

Renfield also brought along a poster that said Halloween At The Hindenburg (The Hindenburg was a nightclub on Canada’s West Coast) and hung it on the wall in Amadeus’ room.

“Ever since a friend of mine sent me this poster a few weeks ago, I thought it would be cool to dress a dirigible up as the Hindenburg on Halloween and re-enact that May 1937 airship disaster,” Renfield beamed as he looked at the poster.

He then put on the video Halloween III: Season of the Witch for them to watch.

Outside Amadeus’ hospital window, a witch flew by on a broomstick.

. . .

Inside the secret laboratory of the Vampiress Isis below Notre Dame Cathedral, Dr. Cadbury Rocher was putting the finishing touches on all the equipment.

Rocher had discovered that the problem Isis and the late Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius had in trying to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of Osiris was that they were not working with an original ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

They were working with a 3-D printer copy of an original.

And Dr. Rocher knew this because he recognized the gun as one he had made with a 3-D printer he had invented.

As brilliant as Dr. Cadbury Rocher was, even he hadn’t reached the level of intellectual sophistication of the ET grays he had to admit.

But Rocher knew how to get the original.

He knew where Renfield R. Renfield kept it on the Set Enterprises premises.

Isis passed this information along to her London private eye gumshoe spy Randall Hopkins who broke into Set Enterprises and stole the original ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Now with the original in his possession, Rocher fired the laser death ray at the spot in the lab which held the sub-atomic particles of Osiris and then through the use of electromagnets, he reversed the flow of the ray.

Sure enough the sub-atomic particles of Osiris re-assembled themselves and came together again.

Isis shrieked with ecstasy.

Then she looked on in horror.

The sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl also started to re-assemble themselves (Quetzalcoatl was the spiritual godfather of her female vampiric arch-enemy and rival the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec).

Isis had forgotten that Quetzalcoatl’s returning spaceship had also been destroyed by the Russian submarine’s laser death ray.

And of course Quetzalcoatl’s sub-atomic particles would also have been collected along with Osiris’ when Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was using his small scale working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider to collect sub-atomic particles along the beach at Vancouver’s English Beach after the laser attack on the returning spaceships.

Osiris looked down at his re-assembled body and then screamed.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked down at the mathematical equation of the re-assembly process he had scribbled on a notepad and suddenly, noticing a slight miscalculation, said in a very very low voice, “Oops.”

“Of all the cosmic bad luck,” the ancient Egyptian vampire cried out in anguish, “it’s once again my phallus that’s missing whenever I’m put back together again.”

Isis screamed as well.

Her valet Cedarman who was on his cell phone immediately cancelled the order of Viagra he had placed on his mistress’ orders to celebrate this happy occasion.

Quetzalcoatl roared and breathed fire.

He then flapped his wings and flew out the air vent of the secret underground laboratory.

He made the air vent a lot larger by doing so due to his enormous size.

As he flew out over the City of Paris, he passed by a dirigible made up to look like the 1930s German airship The Hindenburg.

The Halloween Hindenburg burst into flames near the top of the Eiffel Tower.

To be continued.

-A Halloween vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Thursday October 30th
to
Friday October 31st
2014.

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Qonzilqointec In London

October 10, 2014 at 7:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec In London

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was in his London apartment reading documents about the unstable political situation in Turkey over Kurdish anger at the Turkish government’s refusal to use its military to defend the Syria-Turkey border town of Kobane.

A rustling came through the curtains of his apartment.

And standing there was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec wearing a black evening dress and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“Well, hello,” Diablos Nocturna put his folder of documents down.

“Hello, Diablos,” the Aztec vampire princess smiled, “if I may call you by the first name of your MI-6 code name.”

For Qonzilqointec had known Diablos Nocturna before he had become an MI-6 agent.

“Of course your Highness,” Diablos smiled, “what brings you to London?”.

“Well I spent a few days in Paris,” Qonzilqointec answered, “where I was meeting with various art dealers trying to buy a painting that Toulouse-Lautrec had once painted of me.”

“I didn’t know that Toulouse-Lautrec had once painted a picture of you,” Diablos Nocturna was suitably impressed.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec smiled as she touched her jade earring, “two actually. One of me wearing a fashionable Parisienne evening gown of the 1890s and the other of me in the nude.”

“Toulouse painted one of you in the nude?” Diablos Nocturna had never heard this in the art history course he once took.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec sighed, “unfortunately that particular painting went down on the Titanic.”

“No wonder there have been so many salvage trips down to the ocean depths to see what can be recovered from the Titanic,” Diablos Nocturna poured two glasses of red wine.

“Thanks,” the sexy and seductive Aztec vampire princess brushed back her hair as she accepted both the compliment and the glass of red wine.

“Anyone else try to paint a picture of you in the nude?” Diablos Nocturna was starting to regret not having taken any oil painting classes himself when he was younger.

“Pablo Picasso,” Qonzilqointec answered, “but since I had no desire to look like a cube or an ear or an eye with two noses, I turned down his request.”

Diablos Nocturna laughed.

In the distance sounded the howl of a wolf-like creature.

“That sounds like a werewolf,” said Qonzilqointec who was familiar with such creatures.

“It does indeed,” Diablos Nocturna agreed.

He too was familiar with such creatures.

“Never recalled hearing anything about there being a werewolf in the neighbourhood tonight,” Diablos sipped his wine, “there’s a trade union meeting in the neighbourhood labour hall at which far-left Marxist British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley is the guest speaker.”

“Maybe the meeting is turning out to be a howling success,” the Aztec vampire princess suggested.

“Indeed,” Diablos Nocturna laughed, “so did you locate the painting that Toulouse-Lautrec painted of you fully clothed?”.

“I was fully clothed in an evening gown in the painting,” Qonzilqointec answered, “Henri himself was in the nude when he painted it.”

“I see,” Diablos Nocturna was intrigued, “and did he paint it using a brush or looking at you was he inspired enough to paint it using something else?”.

Now it was the Aztec vampire princess’ turn to laugh.

“I take it from the look on your face that you managed to locate the painting,” Diablos Nocturna poured two more glasses of red wine.

“Yes,” the Aztec vampire princess smoothed her dress, “I found it– this painting of me with its unique ‘brush’ strokes and mixes of paint and precious stains.”

“And what did the art dealer have to say when you bought it?” Diablos Nocturna asked.

“He said it was a good thing for art and history that the German businessman who bought the painting in the early 1930s took seriously ill the first week of May 1937 thus preventing both him and the painting from being aboard the Hindenburg that ill fated week,” Qonzilqointec answered.

“A good thing for art and history indeed,” Diablos Nocturna raised his glass of wine and drank a toast, “so anything else exciting happen to you in Paris?”.

“Well I watched that sleezy harlot Isis push Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius off the bell tower of Notre Dame Cathedral which caused him to plunge to his death,” the Aztec vampire princess seethed through her vampiric fangs.

“Yes, I heard about that murder on the news here,” Diablos Nocturna finished his wine, “so it was the Vampiress Isis who committed it eh?”.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec replied.

The news reported on BBC a week ago last Wednesday evening noted that not only had Dr. Celsius been killed but he had landed on top of a street corner poetry reciter killing him as well.

The street corner poetry reciter had just finished reciting John Donne’s famous lines, “Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee” when the bell tower plunging Swiss scientist fell on top of him.

As for the deep-rooted enmity between Qonzilqointec and Isis, that went back to the time when the French Emperor Napoleon III who served as an imperial puppet for the Vampiress Isis’ plans for world domination attempted to place a Hapsburg on the throne of Mexico as the Emperor Maximilian I.

This ticked off the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who believed that the throne of Mexico was reserved for her spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl.

“So you went to Paris to purchase a painting that Toulouse-Lautrec painted of you,” Diablos Nocturna smiled at Qonzilqointec, “what brings you to London?”.

“I came to see Dr. Cadbury Rocher,” Qonzilqointec answered, “and then I saw Renfield R. Renfield.”

“You saw the Vampire Set’s chief research scientist and then his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering?” Diablos Nocturna lit a pipe.

“That’s right,” the Aztec vampire princess nodded.

“So how’s Renfield doing?” Diablos Nocturna looked up the term Severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the Complete Oxford Dictionary and noticed Renfield’s picture was along side it.

“Well talking of oil paintings of people posing in the nude,” Qonzilqointec laughed, “Renfield boasted to me that a well-known Malaysian woman artist who I had never heard of had painted two oil paintings of him posing in the nude.”

“Really?” Diablos Nocturna started to choke on his pipe, “and whatever became of those paintings?”.

“Well one of them disappeared along with the plane that it was on- Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370,” the Aztec vampire princess replied, “and the other went down on Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 when the Amsterdam art dealer who bought it was trying to return it to the Kuala Lumpur art gallery from which he bought it to demand his money back.”

“I see,” Diablos Nocturna remarked.

“Although,” the Aztec vampire princess rubbed her chin, “there are rumours that it was found among the wreckage on the ground and its finding is responsible for giving recurring nightmares to Russian soldiers who are covertly operating in Ukrainian territory.”

“That I can believe,” Diablos Nocturna emptied his pipe.

“And now,” Qonzilqointec approached him, “I have discussed with Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Renfield R. Renfield a project I have in mind. And now I’m going to discuss that project with you.”

She leaned forward giving Diablos Nocturna a good view of her ample bosom down her low-cut evening dress.

“Well,” Diablos Nocturna said, “as Dr. Frasier Crane used to say on his Seattle radio call- in show on that old 1990s TV comedy series Frasier, ‘I’m listening’. ”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
of Tuesday October 7th
to
Friday October 10th
2014.

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