Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem

October 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator:

Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay

Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :

Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.

Narrator:

Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass

Oprah:

Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.

Narrator:

And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale

And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector

I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can

The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant

Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour

And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light

As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th
2018.


Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello

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Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

August 29, 2018 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Inspiration, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

Pan Goatee could not believe the amount of dogs, cows and blimps that were out waddling and stampeding the city streets and sidewalks today.

And of course he was talking about two legged dogs, two legged cows and blimps with their elephant sized legs on the ground as opposed to blocking out the sun up in the sky and vastly increasing the amount of global warming across the globe through their massive body fat and heat.

Who the Hell left the cage doors and barn doors and Goodyear aerodrome doors open?

There were too many uglos for Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete to handle alone.

So he went into a Wal-Mart without any photo ID to buy himself an astral laser automatic machine gun with a thousand rounds of ammunition.

The only piece of ID he had on him was a written note from his psychiatrist that had on it written the single phrase, “This fellow is totally insane and mentally unstable.”

One clerk rang up the bill of sale, the other clerk packed up Pan Goatee’s astral laser automatic machine gun and rounds of ammunition into a bag and a third clerk invited him to buy an NRA membership which they were offering for $5 a year for today only.

Goatee accepted the membership discount.

“If there weren’t so many uglies around today,” Pan quipped, “I’d say today was my lucky day.”

“I know what you mean about uglies visually polluting the urban landscape,” the third clerk sympathized, “I lost yesterday’s breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack and today’s breakfast simultaneously when I came to work this morning.”

“Hey, who up chucked 🤮 the equivalent of the entire Amazon River and Pacific Ocean basin in the men’s washroom?” The janitor’s voice echoed throughout the store.

Pan Goatee went outside, loaded his ammunition and began firing at the massive amount of uglies all over the city.

News media reporters and TV cameramen were too busy reading and analyzing the latest tweets from Donald Trump on their smart phones to film the shootings and the gunman.

When Pan Goatee had started to develop Lee Harvey Oswald elbow as a result of too much shooting with one arm and then Grassy Knoll Gunmen elbow as a result of too much shooting with the other, he went into a cocktail lounge for a drink.

While there, he happened to notice Oprah Winfrey sitting up at the bar.

Goatee approached the former TV show host.

He had run out of ammunition but he still had his astral laser machete.

“It’s all your fault, Oprah,” he told the multi-billionaire entertainer, “that we have so many ugly white women in English speaking North America this century. Telling all these fat ugly blimps to have high self-esteem and feel good about themselves even though they turned into fat ugly visually aesthetically challenged dogs, cows and blimps sitting on their ugly asses watching television all day.”

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the talk show hostess with his astral laser machete.

“I won’t be back after this message,” were Oprah’s last words as her head rolled on to the floor and then on to the Persian carpet.

. . .

“Mister President,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides informed him, “we have it on good authority that Oprah Winfrey has just been beheaded.”

“That’s good,” Trump tried to comb some seagull droppings out of his hair, “there goes one of my potential Democratic Presidential opponents for 2020. Anyone behead Dwayne The Rock Johnson yet?”.

“Not yet,” his aide answered.

“Pity,” Trump remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose Tea which was only available in Canada but he managed to talk his butler and valet Lexington into smuggling some across the border for him.

. . .

Ellen DeGeneres was trying to find Nemo in her outdoor fish pond when she was informed by her gardener that Oprah Winfrey had been beheaded.

“How awful,” Ellen gasped.

“I see that the publishers of A Course In Miracles have had Ms. Winfrey’s head and body cryogenically frozen and have hired London’s Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he can re-attach her head and body and then re-animate her,” the gardener read a news bulletin off his CNN News App.

“I hope he can,” Ellen said as Nemo came leaping out of the pond asking, “Where’s Dory?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2018.


A well-known anthropologist says that zombies 🧟‍♂️ probably don’t have the aesthetic sensibilities of Pan Goatee 🐐.

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