A Day In 186O

November 18, 2022 at 10:37 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

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  • Two women stood talking to one another on a day in 186O
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  • The extremely tall thin and lanky man stood looking at the two women who stood there talking.
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  • He smiled.
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  • For he could see the woman facing his left hand was black and the woman facing his right hand was white.
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  • This he thought was how America should be.
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  • And yet how America wasn’t.
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  • The black woman from her style of dress was obviously a free woman.
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  • And she seemed to be friends with the white woman she was talking to.

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  • Strange to see this in the American South.
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  • For though the tall thin lanky man was born in a log cabin in Kentucky, he resided in Illinois.
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  • And was currently visiting the South incognito.
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  • The man heard a sound to his own right.
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  • He turned to look.
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  • Standing there were 2 ₱ersons from the future.
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  • One was Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the other was the ghost of Orson Welles.
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  • They had just sto₱₱ed a ₱lot from a Havana Cuba based billionaire Neo-Nazi named Robur ₱ike (who was a direct descendant of Albert ₱ike the Confederate Brigadier-General who was the head of American Scottish Rite Freemasonry, author of the Masonic textbook authority Morals and Dogma, worshi₱₱er of Lucifer and one of the co-founders of the Ku Klux Klan) from a time-travelling ex₱eriment (involving the CERN Large Hadron Collidor) where a Nazi vam₱ire was sent back in time to assassinate Abraham Lincoln before he became ₱resident.
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  • Van Helsing sto₱₱ed the ₱lot by staking the Nazi vam₱ire with a hawthorn stake and then burying the vam₱ire’s ashes (after the vam₱ire had crumbled into dust) in a crate of tobacco that coincidentally enough was bound for the Albert ₱ike estate.
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  • The ghost of Orson Welles watched the staking while drinking a s₱ectral glass of s₱ectral red wine and reminiscing about his love life with various Hollywood starlets of the 194Os.
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  • The ₱air vanished into the night.
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  • And the extremely tall thin and lanky man thought it was just a trick of light that he had seen the ₱air.
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  • He turned his attention back to the two women.
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  • That a₱₱eared to be reality.
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  • And he ho₱ed someday it would be a reality that would s₱read all across this land.
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  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter Written by Christo₱her
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  • Friday November 18th 2O22.

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  • Athena and Dracul Make Out Under A Byzantium Moon While Mussolini’s Ghost Continues His March On Astana

    October 28, 2022 at 10:57 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Athena sits ato₱ a Byzantium crescent moon The Greek goddess Athena was sitting ato₱ a Byzantium crescent moon while the ghost of Orson Welles gazed on a₱₱reciativley. “This has to be the loveliest deus ex machina I’ve ever created in a stage ₱roduction,” Welles’ ghost remarked. Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing stood below the Byzantium crescent moon gazing u₱ a₱₱reciatively at Athena. The ghost of the Roman Em₱eror (and 1st Byzantine Em₱eror) Constantine the Great walked by and whis₱ered to Dracul, “In hoc signo vinco eris”. Yesterday October 27th would have been the 171Oth anniversary of the sign that a₱₱eared in the sky to Constantine on the evening before the Battle of the Milvian Bridge telling him if he ₱ainted the Chi Rho (the first two letters of Christ’s Name in Greek) on his soldiers’ shields, he’d win the battle and defeat his enemy and rival Maxentius. Athena informed Dracul that the ghosts of Benito Mussolini and his Blackshirts were outside the City of Astana Kazakhstan waiting to take over the city just like 1OO years ago today (on October 28th 1922) the living mortal Benito Mussolini and his living mortal Blackshirts were waiting outside the City of Rome Italy to take over the city. “You’ll have to do something, Dracul,” Athena urged him. “I want to make love to you,” Dracul re₱lied. Athena told Dracul to come u₱ to the crescent moon. Dracul did so. Athena took Dracul Van Helsing over her knee and s₱anked him. As Athena gave Dracul a good sound thorough wallo₱₱ing on his bare buttocks, Dracul’s friend Daniel Hy₱erion was trying to determine what malicious virus or s₱yware or adware had been ₱laced on Dracul’s tablet (making him unable to ty₱e the letter that came after “o” in the al₱habet forcing him to use the symbol ₱ instead of the letter that came after “o” in the al₱habet among other things like his ability to indent and create new ₱aragra₱hs). After an hour Athena had finished totally blistering and tomatoing Dracul’s buns. A lesser man than Dracul Van Helsing would have we₱t. And lesser men usually did. Like Justin Trudeau for exam₱le. (Although Athena wisely had never s₱anked that crybaby but world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the lesser known twin sister of world famous 221 B Baker Street consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) once had to in order to get Justin to end the dictatorial Canadian Federal Emergencies Act back in February of this year). But instead Dracul Van Helsing commented, “God, that s₱anking at the hands of a beautiful goddess such as yourself has made me horny as Hell.” Dracul and Athena immediately went down to the stage floor underneath the Byzantium crescent moon and made wild ₱assionate love to one another. “That wasn’t called for in the scri₱t,” the ₱lay’s director the ghost of Orson Welles started to wee₱. Meanwhile outside the city of Astana Khazakhstan the ghost of Benito Mussolini (backed by the ghosts of his Blackshirts) called u₱on the ghosts inside the city of Astana Khazakstan to surrender. Just then the s₱ectral ghostly image of a s₱ectral wooden (made from the ghostly wood of the sacred oak to Odin/Wotan in Germany that was cut down by Saint Boniface) black Trojan unicorn (as o₱₱osed to a wooden Trojan horse) came outside the invisible s₱ectral gates of the city of Astana. -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Friday October 28th 2O22.

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    Orson Welles’ Ghost Arranges For Russian Billionaire Oligarch To Be Bumped Off In Switzerland

    March 20, 2022 at 10:48 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, Mystery, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    The Russian oligarch billionaire felt like he was entering a scene in a late 1940s Film Noir movie.

    Which in a sense he was.

    Billionaire oligarch Hunterovich Pervertovsky (the son of the senile old fool Russian billionaire oligarch Josef Pervertovsky famous for going around sniffing the hair of beautiful women and for always wanting to dangle young girls on his lopsided knees as his pair of Russian made Depends dangled around his brown coloured ankles) was standing face to face with a woman who was the spitting image of actress Laurette Luez in the 1949 Film Noir movie D.O.A.

    The entire scene had a black and white feel to it.

    That’s because it was being directed by the ghost of the great film director Orson Welles.

    His friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had arranged for the pro-Taiwan Vietnamese secret agent Ho Babylon Minh to drop a Mickey into Hunterovich Pervertovsky’s hot toddy as he ate his rotisserie chicken accompanied by Black Sea caviar in the Swiss chalet restaurant.

    Unbeknownst to him a Ukrainian band with a Ukrainian ukulele player played that old Canadian restaurant TV commercial song “Life should taste as good as Swiss Chalet” from the top floor of the chalet as Ho slipped the mickey into his drink.

    Hunterovich hit the floor faster than one of his many dropped laptops.

    He soon found himself in this room, his head was spinning in a haze and everything looked black and white to him.

    And he saw this vision:

    Actress Laurette Luez smoking a cigarette

    “There’s a glass of vodka in front of you, Comrade Uber-capitalist Hunterovich Pervertovsky,” Miss Luez pointed with her shapely leg.

    Pervertovsky picked up the glass and drank.

    His face suddenly turned very red like the flags rising above the Saint Petersburg Winter Palace on a Julian calendar October day in 1917.

    “I believe it’s Polonium-210 that you use to get rid of the opponents of your friend Vlad the Exhaler’s regime isn’t it?” Miss Luez smiled, “Well there was enough Polonium-210 in that glass of vodka to kill a race horse. And personally I along with Mr. Welles, Mr. Van Helsing and Miss Ho have nothing against race horses.”

    Hunterovich Pervertovsky the son of Josef Pervertovsky was D.O.A.

    Meanwhile on Hunterovich Pervertovsky’s laptop (which had just landed at his feet) were the plans for Russia’s newest Kinzhal (Dagger) hypersonic missiles just used in Ukraine.

    The plans were delivered to Set Enterprises in London.

    And not the British government.

    As the Bitish government was under the control of Klaus Schwab’s World Economic Forum and the Great Reset New World Order.

    Set Enterprises was not.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Sunday March 20th

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    If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

    June 18, 2021 at 10:43 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    “I’ll take that last slice of pizza if you don’t mind, Mr. Farrow.”

    “Cut!” Orson Welles shouted, “That’s a take!”.

    “I’ll say it is,” said the actress as she grabbed and ate the last slice of pizza.

    The day’s production was over.

    Welles took his hat and coat and went to a nearby lounge where he ordered a glass of red wine.

    After a few sips, he fell asleep.

    When he awoke, he was a ghost in a pub in London called The Ghosts’ Inn and he was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

    Welles wasn’t sure whether he was a mortal man dreaming that he was a ghost or whether he was a ghost dreaming about his days as a mortal man.

    It was like that myth he had once heard about the man who fell asleep and dreamed that he was a caterpillar and then when he woke up again, he wasn’t sure whether he was a man who dreamed he was a caterpillar or whether he’s a caterpillar who’s now dreaming that he’s a man.

    “Such intense thoughts on the cusp of the summer solstice,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked over a gin and tonic.

    “I wasn’t aware that I was thinking such thoughts aloud,” Welles’ ghost sighed.

    “You were,” Renfield dug into his fish and chips with his knife and fork.

    A butterfly flew in through the window of the pub.

    “I wonder what the butterfly dreams,” Renfield mused aloud.

    “Not sure,” Welles admitted, “But he’s got both man and caterpillar beat.”

    “Of course there are some idiots,” Renfield pointed out, “let’s call them in Seinfeldian fashion Klaus Schwab, the World Economic Forum, Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau and Boris Johnson who probably figure that when it comes to butterflies, they can still Build Back Better.”

    A British engineering student (who had spent the Covid lockdown studying Schwab’s book on The Fourth Industrial Revolution) was in another booth operating his robotic butterfly (that he called the Transbutterfly).

    The Transbutterfly was trying to take nectar from the petal of an artificial flower.

    The butterfly who had flown past Renfield and Welles flew out the door while the Transbutterfly flew into another customer’s pint of ale where it burst a gasket and disintegrated.

    Dashwood Forrest the noted London art gallery dealer walked past Renfield and Welles carrying a godawful painting.

    “What’s that hideous monstrosity?” Both Welles and Renfield asked at the same time.

    “I don’t think I’ll be able to give this painting away,” Forrest admitted, “Bill Gates gave it to me on commission to sell. It’s a painting that he himself painted. He calls it Painting of A Build Back Better Sunset.”

    “That’s a sunset?” Welles and Renfield both asked increduously at the same time.

    Renfield put on his spectacles and Welles put on a ghostly spectral monocle.

    Both man and ghost reacted with horror.

    Renfield vomitted all over the painting while Welles spewed forth ghostly ectoplasm.

    “I have to say that’s a very significant improvement,” Forrest declared after the vomit and ectoplasm now found their way on to Bill Gates’ Build Back Better Sunset.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday June 18th

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    Scavenger Hunt On The Amalfi Coast

    June 10, 2021 at 10:42 pm (Film, Folklore, History, Movies, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

    The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and reflecting on a yacht trip he had made to Italy’s Amalfi Coast in 1953.

    The Amalfi Coast is a stretch of coastline on the Tyrrhenian Sea located in the Gulf of Salerno in Southern Italy.

    Welles recalled he wasn’t quite sure how he got to the Amalfi Coast.

    The last thing he remembered was being on Spain’s Meditteranean coast and imbibing in several glasses of red wine.

    The next thing Welles remembered was waking up on a yacht off the Amalfi Coast.

    The yacht belonged to an Arab sheikh.

    Welles got off the yacht not far from the town of Ravello.

    He wandered around the town and ran into an acquaintance fellow actor Humphrey Bogart.

    Bogart was in the town along with actresses Jennifer Jones and Gina Lollobrigida and actors Robert Morley, Peter Lorre and Bernard Lee.

    They were shooting the 1953 adventure comedy film Beat The Devil.

    Bogey teased Welles as they sat in a small outdoor cafe.

    “Well, Orson, this film is obviously about beating you,” Bogey smiled, “You’re usually playing a villain in most of your films whether it’s a megalomaniacal newspaper publisher, an ex-Nazi on the verge of becoming a U.S. Supreme Court justice’s son-in-law, a post-war black marketeer on the streets of Vienna or a Renaissance Borgia prince. Your characters are usually human devils of some form or another. Thus as the film title suggests Beat The Devil is about beating you.”

    Welles wasn’t about to take this insult lying down.

    He answered, “I did play a heroic role in the 1947 film The Lady From Shanghai where my soon-to-be ex-wife played the villainess. Besides in many of your film roles in the 1930s, you often played gangster or mean tough guy roles.”

    “Yes but later I played great heroic roles like Rick in Casablanca and Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep so I was quite the heroic hero whereas you were usually the villainous villain,” Bogey laughed.

    “Well, pick a game,” Welles challenged, “I bet I can beat you at it. And then we’ll see who’s the Devil.”

    At that moment Gina Lollobrigida approached.

    Bogey told her about Welles’ challenge.

    The Italian actress suggested an old fashioned scavenger hunt.

    Welles and Bogey agreed.

    Gina said she would pick what was to be located and found.

    She gave the same list to each actor.

    Both Welles and Bogey set out on the scavenger hunt.

    Welles had spent the entire morning searching.

    And he had located what was to be located on Gina’s scavenger list.

    Now it was early afternoon and Welles came to the final item on the list.

    “What?!” Welles exclaimed, “Find the Greek goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach? How is that even possible?”.

    Still Welles headed down to the beach.

    Where he noticed a beautiful woman who looked like a goddess sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.

    “Excuse me,” Welles addressed the woman, “but you aren’t the Greek goddess Hera by any chance?”.

    “I am, Mr. Welles,” the goddess answered, “I’m a big fan of yours so I came down from Mount Olympus to help you beat Bogey.”

    Welles took Hera to the cafe where sat Gina and Bogey.

    Bogey was looking dejected as he had been unable to find the goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.

    When Welles introduced the woman as Hera and swore on a King James Bible that he had found her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach, Bogey objected, “I believe that you did find her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach but how do we know this woman is really Hera?”.

    Hera then called on the gods Zeus and Hermes to appear.

    When they did so appearing out of thin air, Bogey conceded defeat while Gina looked very surprised.

    Angered by his scavenger hunt loss, Bogey went for a car ride where he got into an accident losing several of his teeth.

    As a result while adjusting to the loss of his teeth, Bogey was unable to speak clearly and therefore actor Peter Sellers (who was not then well known at the time but had a talent for imitating voices) was hired to dub some of Bogey’s lines speaking like Bogey.

    Some of the lines had to be re-dubbed because Sellers instead of speaking like Bogey spoke like Indian actor Hrundi V. Bakshi whom Sellers would later play in the 1968 movie The Party.

    And thus that was how through the help of the Greek goddess Hera, Welles was able to beat Bogey at a scavenger hunt.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Thursday June 10th

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    Orson Welles On The Orient Express

    May 25, 2021 at 10:38 pm (Espionage, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    The ghost of Orson Welles sat in a comfortable arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

    He was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

    He was reflecting on a dream he had as a young mortal man where he was contemplating directing a spy film set on the Orient Express.

    Agatha Christie had published a Hercule Poirot novel called Murder On The Orient Express back in 1934.

    The spy film set aboard the Orient Express that Welles was planning to make would have been done 20 years before Sean Connery’s 1963 James Bond film From Russia With Love part of which was set aboard the Orient Express.

    However Welles’ idea for the film was rejected by film studio heads.

    When Welles had the dream that became the basis for the proposed film, he dreamed he was back in the mid-1930s.

    Soviet Stalinist agents had stolen the Spear of Longinus (the spear said to have pierced the side of Christ as recorded in the New Testament) from the Hofburg Palace Museum in Vienna, Austria.

    They were now riding the Orient Express to Istanbul where they would then board a ship from Istanbul to Odessa.

    And then from Odessa the Soviet Stalinist agents would head to Moscow and then to Stalin.

    However Nazi spies were also on the trail of the Soviet agents as Hitler too desired to possess the Spear of Longinus for world conquest.

    Britain and France had likewise sent their best agents to recapture the Spear of Longinus.

    Welles played the British agent Sir Cyril Bellerophon.

    He was to rendezvous with France’s top agent aboard the Orient Express.

    All Welles’ Bellerophon knew was that the French agent’s initials were ML.

    As Welles’ character of Sir Cyril Bellerophon sat in the empty dining car (as it was currently neither breakfast, lunch or dinnertime aboard the train), a beautiful woman entered the Orient Express dining car and approached him.

    She walked up to Welles’ Bellerophon and said, “Bonjour Monsieur. Je suis Monique Labelle.”

    Welles bowed and said, “Bonjour Mademoiselle. Je suis Sir Cyril Bellerophon.”

    It had occurred to Welles that Monique LaBelle (whose intials were ML) was the French agent.

    That turned out to be the case.

    Welles thought it was a shame he woke up from the dream and had no idea how the whole scenario would end.

    Still he had a chance to kiss Monique Labelle before he woke up.

    And that Welles’ ghost reflected as he lit himself a spectral cigar was the important thing.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday May 25th

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    The Third Man

    December 15, 2020 at 11:45 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    “So,” Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana Fay Lee, “I see someone has been hacking into the computers of the U.S. Treasury and Commerce departments. The SolarWinds Orion a computer network tool is being exploited by malicious actors. Various other government, technology and telecoms organizations all across the world have fallen victim to these malicious attacks since March of this year. Including Dominion Voting Machines. Although the mainstream Marxist media isn’t mentioning that since that might cast doubt on Joe Biden’s election. Some people think it was Russia responsible but it was most likely China.”

    . . .

    After a visit from his Masonic Lodge Grand Master, Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell recognized Joe Biden as U.S. President-elect and also urged people to take the mRNA vaccines for the Wuhan CCP virus.

    Meanwhile in Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin also recognized Joe Biden as U.S. President-elect even as he co-ordinated plans with Turkey and Iran for an attack on Israel.

    . . .

    It was the street in Vienna
    where Orson Welles had walked
    As Harry Lime
    The Third Man

    The streets were deserted
    The Wuhan CCP Virus
    Had decreed it so

    It had turned health experts
    Into Gulag camp overlords
    It had turned politicians
    Into Hitlers and Stalins and Maos

    The people were locked in their homes
    Wearing masks and social distancing
    Christmas was to be forgotten
    Like Scrooge when evil noted

    Dracul Van Helsing stood alone

    Facing a street of descending street lamps
    And a moon that towered
    Over the darkening smoke of chimney

    A chimney like Mount Doom
    That blew the smoke of Sauron
    As in the land of Mordor
    Where the shadows lie

    Van Helsing walked the cobblestone streets
    A zither then played the score
    of Anton Karas’ theme music
    On the night the music died.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    and poem
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday December 15th

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    Renfield Comes Across 1950s Sherrielock Shakespearian Erotic Film

    November 11, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Arts, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

    World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes: Good with an axe as well as a paddle and a whip

    British MP Renfield R. Renfield decided to take a break from fighting George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, World Economic Forum Chairman Karl Schwab, Pope Francis and the ongoing Neo-Bolshevik Revolution in the United States.

    He fired off an email to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson who had just recognized Joe Biden as President-elect of the United States.

    Solely on the basis that the AP Associated Press had declared so this past Saturday November 7th and numerous mainstream Marxist media outlets had followed suit.

    Renfield’s email asked Boris Johnson, “How does it feel to be an idiot?”.

    He then read an email from a friend of his who had sent him a link to a YouTube video.

    The video was of a 1950s erotic film that had apparently starred world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

    Sherrielock Holmes was the twin sister of world-famous London consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.

    In the 1890s, she had become immortal after eating a particularly powerful Lingzhi Supernatural Mushroom.

    Not looking a day over 30 (even though she was in her 40s when she ate the mushroom), she had married French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who it was later dscovered was in fact the illegitimate son of Prof. James Moriarty who was her brother Sherlock’s mortal enemy).

    She and Louis Rocher had several children.

    Louis Rocher, who served in the RAF during World War I, was shot down and killed by the Red Baron just the day before the Red Baron himself was shot down and killed by a couple of Canadian pilots.

    One of Sherrielock’s descendants was her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was Set Enterprises’ chief scientist.

    Having both Holmes and Moriarty blood in his veins, Dr. Cadbury Rocher often alternated between good and evil during his distinguished career as a mad scientist.

    The film was called Shakespearian Sherrielock and was shot in black and white as of course were many movies back in the 1950s.

    The film began with this scene:

    Sherrielock was busy examining an axe as the estate’s chief servant Hemlock the Dwarf stood on the house stairs looking at her.

    Hemlock the Dwarf: Thou lookest like thou art about to choppeth off someone’s head.

    Sherrielock: Aye, Hemlock, I am.

    Hemlock the Dwarf: I hear the Lady Anne Boleyn, late Queen of England, lost her fair head on this May fair morning.

    Sherrielock: Aye, that she did. Her blood now soaketh the pavement of the Tower of London where no fair flowers bloometh.

    Hemlock: Who art thou thinking of beheading this morning?

    (The dwarf did ask as he approached her)

    Sherrielock (raising her axe above the dwarf): The one who gave the hemlock to my favourite horse Socrates.

    Hemlock (terrified): Mistress, thou knowest? Let me explain. It was only because thou didst love that horse more than me.

    But Hemlock had run out of explanations for his head became separated from his neck by the cutting edge of Sherrielock’s axe and it did roll on to the floor.

    Sherrielock (ringing a bell): Maid, come cleaneth up this mess.

    Later that night, Sherrielock sat on her bed and waited for Hans Falstaffson the Courier to show up.

    Hans Falstaffson the Courier (played by actor Orson Welles) shows up.

    Renfield, enjoying the movie so far as he ate his popcorn, said, “Wow, I never knew Welles ever appeared in a 1950s erotic soft porn film.”

    “Hans, thou art late,” Sherrielock admonished him.

    “My lady, I do apologize,” Hans Falstaffson bowed.

    Sherrielock: For thy errant tardiness, I must spank thee on the bare bottom with this sturdy paddle.

    Falstaffson (bowing): Very well, my lady.

    (Orson as Hans Falstaffson takes off all his clothes)

    “Oh God,” Renfield shields his eyes, “I’ll never be able to get that image out of my mind.”

    Sherrielock sits on the bed and straightens and smooths the skirt of her dress as Welles’ Falstaffson approaches and lies across her lap waiting to receive his punishment.

    Welles who had chosen to use the Stanislavski method in the making of this film would undergo the same gruelling paddling on his backside as that of his character Hans Falstaffson the Courier.

    Thus Welles’ and Falstaffson’s screams merged and echoed as one as the character/actor’s buttocks turned as crimson red as a lobster flambe or the ripest of all tomatoes while Sherrielock vigourously administered the spanking.

    100 of the best.

    100 of the worst.

    It was the best of times.

    It was the worst of times.

    When the spanking was over, Sherrielock held Welles/Falstaffson’s head against her most ample and delightful bosom and comforted him.

    Sherrielock (gently stroking his hair): Art thou happy that I spanked thee?

    Welles/Falstaffson (nodding): Aye, my lady. My bottom stingeth like the scorpion in the noonday sun.

    And as everybody knows who was on YouTube today, the system crashed at 7:13 PM U.S. Eastern Standard Time Wednesday November 11th 2020.

    “Shit,” Renfield exclaimed as the video konked out at this most dramatic moment.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday November 11th

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    It’s The Great Pumpkin, Headless Horseman!

    October 11, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The talking and singing black zombie horse Bucephalus Reborn, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun and his pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius were in Sleepy Hollow having hoped to meet the Great Pumpkin this past Friday night.

    Sadly the Great Pumpkin was held up at the U.S. border by ICE officials.

    He was put into a cage and had to undergo a test for Covid-19.

    Dr. Anthony Fauci was brought in to conduct the test himself.

    Dr. Fauci determined that the Great Pumpkin was indeed positive for Covid-19.

    However due to the large amount of crying and wailing children outside the ICE compound on the Ontario-New York Canada-U.S.border, 100 doctors from the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia were brought in to test the Great Pumpkin.

    All 100 doctors determined that the Great Pumpkin was negative for Covid-19.

    ICE decided to release the Great Pumpkin on this night October 11th.

    The Great Pumpkin then headed south to the village of Sleepy Hollow.

    Last evening October 10th as they were in their room in the Rip Van Winkle Inn, the 4 visitors to Sleepy Hollow mentioned in the first paragraph watched on their room’s TV set an interview between the ghost of TV talk show host Merv Griffin and the ghost of noted writer, director and actor Orson Welles which was being shown on the Paranormal Channel.

    Yesterday October 10th 2020 was the 35th anniversary of the death of Orson Welles (Welles having died on October 10th 1985).

    Welles’ ghost was currently serving as an advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Winston Churchill.

    When the interview was over, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun turned the TV off and phoned downstairs to the front desk asking for a specific brand of rum.

    The innkeeper replied, “We haven’t had that spirit here since 1999.”

    An artist called Prince who was formerly the artist formerly known as Prince had apparently drank the last bottle at 10 minutes to midnight on the New Year’s Eve just before the advent of the year 2000.

    Meanwhile on the radio a well-known female porn star was singing that old Bryan Adams hit Summer of ’69.

    Buchephalus Reborn had grabbed an old geographical atlas off the room’s bookshelf and lay on the floor trying to locate the Hotel California on a map.

    Outside the window could be seen a horde of eagles circling the inn.

    Such was last night the evening of October 10th 2020.

    Tonight October 11th 2020 the four were walking towards the Sleepy Hollow pumpkin patch where the Great Pumpkin was putting in an appearance (hopefully).

    They walked past the cemetery where schoolteacher Ichabod Crane was buried.

    As they walked past the cemetery, the horse Bucephalus Reborn started whistling the tune to an old Irish folk song Whistling Gypsy.

    Yaldabaoth began to sing,

    The whistling gypsy came over the hill
    Down to the valley so shady;
    He whistled and he sang
    Till the green woods rang
    And he won the heart of a lady.

    The woman whose heart Yaldabaoth won and would be waiting for him on his bed in the room when they got back to the inn.

    They soon arrived at the pumpkin patch.

    As spooky music played on an abandoned church organ not far from the pumpkin patch, the Great Pumpkin rose above all the other pumpkins and said,

    I am the Great Pumpkin
    Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
    and for the day confined to fast in fires
    Till all the weight gained by eating me
    Is burnt and purged away.

    With that Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow grabbed the Great Pumpkin.

    And Buchephalus Reborn grabbed a tube of Crazy Glue.

    When his hooves removed the top off the tube of Crazy Glue, the horse asked, “Why do I feel the spirits of my relatives around me?”.

    The horse then glued the Great Pumpkin to the top of the Headless Horseman’s body between his shoulders.

    “Woe is me!” Were the Great Pumpkin’s last words before succumbing to the consciousness of Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.

    U.S. Postal Service employee Norman Newman who had been wandering around Sleepy Hollow hopelessly lost the past couple of days came over when he heard the cry “Woe is me!”.

    He handed the Headless Horseman a lettered envelope addressed to JOHNNY WO, SLEEPY HOLLOW.


    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Sunday October 11th

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    Carson Cody Albion En Route To The Los Angeles Civic Grand Opera

    October 7, 2020 at 11:00 pm (Arts, Entertainment, Film, Short Story) (, , , , , )

    The year was 1948.

    And Los Angeles Private Eye Carson Cody Albion had earned himself two tickets to the Los Angeles Civic Grand Opera.

    The newly formed company would be mounting its first production – a performance of Verdi’s Rigoletto in a church hall in Beverly Hills.

    The two tickets Albion had received were payment for a case in which Albion had tracked down a valuable stolen piece of furniture made by Hollywood furniture maker Francesco Pace.

    Pace was the man who started the company and was its first director.

    Albion accepted the tickets because he realized Pace was putting all his money into getting the opera company up and running.

    It was fortunate for Pace that Albion was an opera lover.

    Albion asked an up-and-coming young Hollywood actress Eva Roman if she would be his date for the evening.

    Eva agreed.

    They went for drinks before the opera at The Tropical Nights Lounge in Beverley Hills .

    Actor Orson Welles came strolling through the door and strolled up to the couple.

    “Carson, Eva,” Welles asked, “How are you doing?”.

    “We’re off to see Verdi’s Rigoletto being performed by the new Los Angeles Civic Grand Opera Company,” Eva answered.

    “Well,” Welles smiled, “Do beware of licentious Dukes of Mantua and hunch-backed court jesters when you’re attending the performance.”

    “Will do,” Albion sipped his bourbon, “How about court jester’s daughters named Gilda?”.

    Welles winced.

    “I’m sorry, Orson,” Albion apologized, “I forgot Rita’s most popular performance was as Gilda.”

    The Rita to whom Albion was referring was Rita Hayworth who was Orson’s ex-wife whom Welles had recently divorced.

    Rita Hayworth had played Gilda in the 1946 film titled Gilda.

    Gilda was also the name of the court jester’s daughter who gave up her life to save the Duke of Mantua (whom she loved) when she protected him from the assassin that her father Rigoletto had hired to kill him.

    “It’s all right, Carson,” Welles took his usual glass of red wine from the Tropical Nights bartender, “I was an ass for spending more time in my thoughts and ideas for new movies than I was in giving my wife the attention she deserved. It was as my barber once said to me, genius can have its draw backs.”

    Welles took his glass of wine and went and sat in a booth by himself.

    “You know,” the bartender wiped the bar, “There but for the grace of God goes God.”

    Albion did not smile or laugh.

    It was a remark often said in Hollywood about Welles.

    “The path of genius can be lonely at times,” Eva remarked.

    “It can, indeed,” Albion looked over at Welles.

    Albion looked at his watch as Eva put her stole over her shoulders.

    The pair headed out to the performance of Rigoletto.

    Welles continued to sit in the booth alone with his thoughts.

    The bartender made a Shanghai Sling for a customer.

    Welles watching could not help notice the irony of the drink being made.

    “The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” Welles thought.

    He finished his wine, left his money on the table and left.

    He walked past a movie theatre showing a poster of the film he and his ex-wife Rita had made together before their divorce The Lady From Shanghai.

    The theatre ticket cashier looked at Welles as he walked by.

    She thought to herself what others had thought, “There but for the grace of God goes God.”

    -A short story written by Christopher
    Wednesday October 7th 2020.

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