The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 26, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

A beluga whale who was a spy for the Russians had recently defected to Norway a few months back.

The whale had been helped in his defection by the ghost of Orson Welles.

After the whale had successfully defected, Welles’ ghost eventually returned to England where he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been named to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering).

The whale meanwhile had spent the past few months being debriefed by Norwegian Navy and Norwegian Intelligence officials.

The beluga had ate a great quantity of fish during this time although the whale said he “didn’t care much for lutefisk” much to the disappointment of Norway’s Minister of Culture.

The beluga told the Norwegians that much was happening under the sea these days.

Poseidon had had his trident stolen by the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis.

The trident was given to Russian scientists who had developed a new submarine weapon with it.

The beluga (who had taken the name Melville) also said that the Norse deity of the ocean who was the sea jotunn Aegir and was also the major thrower of parties for the Norse gods and goddesses had recently started selling his ale (brewed in a huge cauldron provided by Thor and Tyr) to mortals.

Most mortals were incapable of handling the hangover that the ale gave them, the beluga stated, and when combined with certain other liquors could prove fatal to mortals.

One of the last things he had heard, Melville said (while posing for a photo with someone wearing a Herman Munster mask), was that The Ten Bells Pub in London used Aegir Ale and combined it with 9 liquors to make a shooter called The T-Rex.

If any mortal drank more than one T-Tex shooter, it would kill them.

The Norse goddess Freya, who had her own stenographer present at the beluga whale debriefing, informed Dracul Van Helsing of this.

“Renfield,” Dracul replied, “as in many other matters, is an exception to this rule.”

“Well,” Freya stood up from her dressing table and chair, “come and show me what rules you’re an exception to.”

Dracul did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday July 26th
2019.

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Orson Welles’ Ghost Views The Only Scene Ever Filmed For Roman Polanski’s Wuthering Heights

May 30, 2019 at 10:40 pm (Arts, Culture, Film, Literature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles was admiring a small sculpture of the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow that the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently purchased from the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

The sculpture showed the Headless Horseman and his pumpkin head riding a black horse while the schoolteacher Ichabod Crane is seen getting run over by one of Santa’s reindeer who, after drinking too much Kickapoo Joy Juice, mistook Halloween night for Christmas Eve and was venturing in the forest near Sleepy Hollow following the Headless Horseman and his black horse and his orange pumpkin head mistaking the latter for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s red shiny nose.

“What a delightfully eclectic and eccentric sculpture,” Welles’ ghost remarked as he looked at it while sampling a glass of spectral red wine.

Welles had been informed by British MP Renfield R. Renfield that Boris Johnson (the former Foreign Secretary of Britain) had purchased a retirement gift for British Prime Minister Theresa May at the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

The gift was an 18th Century portrait painting of an 18th Century Irish Pirate of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal.

Welles had recently met the ghost of Kerry Donegal in person when Renfield had brought him home after a night of carousing at the Oscar Wilde Pub.

Welles decided to go down to the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in person to see what other great treasures were available there.

The door to the gallery was opened by Dashwood Forrest’s Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie who was undergoing his own personal zombie apocalypse after having drunk too much Guinness stout and Jameson’s Irish whiskey the night before.

“Excuse the hand on the floor,” Mulligan remarked after his right hand came apart at the wrist and fell on the floor.

As Mulligan tried to re-attach his right hand to the rest of his right arm, Welles’ ghost was greeted by art gallery owner and curator Dashwood Forrest who had a martini in his own hand.

“You know the trouble with being dead is you’re decomposing all the time,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked as his right ear fell off.

“Mulligan never did have an ear for music,” Forrest invited Welles into his office, “but do come into my office. I have something that a great film director such as yourself would be interested in.”

As Mulligan managed to find his right ear below a portrait of Vincent Van Gogh, Dashwood Forrest closed the office door behind him and Welles.

“Let me run the film projector,” said Forrest, “for I have here on film the only scene ever completed and shot for a film adaptation of Wuthering Heights that Roman Polanski intended to make back in 1989 but financing for the movie was pulled at the last moment. Polanski was setting his version of Wuthering Heights in the late 20th Century. This was a scene between Heathcliff and Cathy.”

The projector ran and the Polanski 20th Century Wuthering Heights scene between Heathcliff and Cathy- a single still shot appeared:

“Where’s Heathcliff?” Welles asked.

“Heathcliff is the old car in the photo,” Forrest answered, “Polanski intended the movie as a cross between Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights and Stephen King’s Christine.”

“Now I’ve seen everything,” Welles looked stonefaced, “Jack Nicholson must have sent Polanski plenty of California grass that Roman smoked before he came up with the idea for this picture.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 30th
2019.

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The Kraken Meets The Ghost of Orson Welles In Paris

May 23, 2019 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Voting in the European Parliament elections had begun today and would continue until May 26th.

The Kraken Napoleon VI, leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party, sat in the Quasimodo Cafe and calmly sipped Lemon Tea and dipped potato chips into Sour Cream and Onion Chip Dip as he awaited the first of the results to come in.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgonism by Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) sat calmly painting her fingernails a lovely Moulin Rouge.

The ghost of Orson Welles (who sat across from Medusa and the Kraken) recalled how his late former wife Rita Hayworth had once performed the Can Can (to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Orpheus In The Underworld) with her fingers while wearing a pair of black leather gloves.

The performance was considered too hot to handle and was not included in Miss Hayworth’s 1946 film Gilda.

“Johnny, be good,” an impromptu line spoken by Miss Hayworth was also edited out of the film.

“Did you ever consider running for political office when you were alive?” The Kraken asked Welles’ ghost.

“Well, Democratic Party organizers in Wisconsin the state of my birth did ask me to consider running as their candidate for the U.S. Senate in Wisconsin in 1946 but I declined,” Welles sipped a nice spectral glass of spectral red wine, “something that I regretted later as my Republican opponent would have been none other than Joe McCarthy. U.S. political history might have been different had I chosen to run.”

“There’s the Egyptian vampiress Isis,” Medusa spoke critically as the Egyptian vampiress walked through the door wearing a French flag tricoloured evening dress.

“Did you know Isis was the model for Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s Statue of Liberty?” Welles recounted aloud some knowledge he had uncovered during his time spent in Purgatory.

“I’d heard that,” the Kraken ordered a cognac from the waiter.

“Isis is backing Emmanuel Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Medusa’s voice dripped with contempt like a lethal dose of snake venom.

“I think Freemasons generally support the idea of a fully integrated European Union,” Welles lit a spectral cigar, “and since both Isis and Osiris are the prevalent deities worshipped in a lot of Masonic lodges around the world, it’s no surprise that Isis and the Masons would share a similar political viewpoint.”

“I still suspect our party will do well though,” the Kraken reached for 8 glasses of cognac with his 8 arms.

“I hear our ally across the Channel Renfield is doing well in most polls there,” Welles ordered a California wine much to the displeasure of the French waiter.

“He is,” the Kraken smiled, “I wonder how long he’ll be in the European Parliament before Brexit happens.”

“I imagine EU bureaucrats will be more sympathetic to the idea of a rapid Brexit to prevent Renfield from entering the European Parliament,” Welles brushed cigar ash out of his ghostly beard.

“I hear,” Medusa changed the subject, “that Prince Harry and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex were considering asking Renfield to be their son Archie Harrison’s godfather but that the Prince of Wales is strongly opposed to the idea.”

“That I heard as well,” Welles reached for the glass of Paul Masson Wine which was sold before its time, “and the Prince of Wales might have a point. Renfield could easily become the Falstaff to young Archie’s Prince Hal.”

On the other side of the cafe, the vampiress Isis ordered a Singapore Sling as she too waited for the first of the European Parliament election results.

Meanwhile in a Paris cinema, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was attending a large screen repertory showing of the 1942 film classic Casablanca.

Suddenly appearing on the screen in front of him was a scene he hadn’t recalled seeing before.

That’s because the black and white scene wasn’t part of the movie Casablanca.

It was the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis beckoning to him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 23rd
2019.

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The Kraken Napoleon VI In A Rome Taverna

May 9, 2019 at 9:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Kraken Napoleon VI and his wife Medusa were doing very well in the opinion polls for the EU Parliamentary elections in France.

There was a very good chance that both he and Medusa would be elected to the European Parliament in Strasbourg on behalf of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

French President Emmanuel Macron was already pulling his hair out at the news.

As the French President was on the phone to the Oval Office in Washington DC asking Donald Trump the name of a place where he did NOT buy his toupees, the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to take a break from the campaign trail and go for a short excursion to Rome.

Medusa herself would be hitting the roulette tables down in Monte Carlo.

After a day of sightseeing around Rome, the Kraken decided to pay a visit to a quiet Rome taverna and sample some good Italian wine.

When he entered through the taverna door, he noticed the ghost of Orson Welles sitting in a booth next to the statue of Venus.

“A lovely location you’ve chosen, Orson,” the Kraken sat across from the spirit he recognized as an advisor to his British Transhumanist political ally the British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“I did not choose this spot just to look at Venus’ lovely derriere contrary to what some might think,” Welles adjusted the hat on his head, “although a very lovely derriere it is. I do not want people mistaking me for Bill Clinton or Rev. Jesse Jackson enjoying Miss Ariana Grande’s most stellar performance at Aretha Franklin’s funeral last year. When I first sat down, that statue of Venus was dressed in furs. Venus in furs. But then the ghost of Baron Leopold von Sacher-Masoch entered the taverna and stole all the furs off Venus.”

“I’m sorry to have missed that,” the Kraken ordered 8 bottles of wine from the waiter.

“I hear you and Medusa are polling ahead of Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Welles lit a spectral cigar.

“Yes, I’m pleased as punch about that,” the Kraken accepted a complimentary glass of punch from the taverna’s management.

Welles looked at a woman sitting at an adjacent table.

“That woman,” Welles continued to gaze in her direction, “looks a lot like Simone Simon.”

“The noted French actress?” The Kraken put on his monocle and looked in the woman’s direction.

“Yes, she was absolutely magnificent as the cat woman in the 1942 film The Cat People,” Welles recalled.

“Ever since I saw that film and saw that one particular scene, I’ve been reluctant to swim in a YWCA swimming pool ever since,” the Kraken recalled.

Just then a Vatican Cardinal entered the taverna and sat down.

Welles gazed at the Cardinal.

“You know,” Welles leaned over and whispered to the Kraken, “I’ve been told that Cardinal is a practicing satanist.”

Just then the woman who looked like Simone Simon shapeshifted into a black panther and went over and ripped the Cardinal to shreds leaving a tangled web of cardinal’s robes and spiralling pool of blood on the taverna floor.

The cat woman then left the taverna without paying her bill causing the waiter to have a major spaz attack and go running out into the streets chasing after the she beast.

“Well,” the Kraken looked at the cardinal’s hat floating on top of the pool of blood on the taverna floor, “It looks like Satan will have one less vote at the next papal conclave.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 9th
2019.

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Theodora and Varying Manners of Byzantine Intrigue

May 7, 2019 at 10:01 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

After lighting a candle to the Baphomet and the statue of Baal, Pennsylvania Democratic representative Brian Sims of Philadelphia went to bed.

After falling asleep, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora appeared in his bedroom and sprinkled him with Byzantine angel dust.

Sims then dreamed that he was a homosexual bishop back in the days of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian.

Justinian’s method of dealing with homosexual bishops was vastly different from that of Pope Francis.

His method was to castrate the bishops and then to have them paraded nude through the streets of Constantinople.

Instead of a “coming out” parade, it was a “coming off” parade.

Sims screamed as he slept.

He was not enjoying his dream.

Theodora smiled and laughed.

She was.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.

He ate smoked oysters and downed champagne.

He then got on his iPhone and went to FaceTime.

British Prime Minister Theresa May was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.

She ate hot buttered biscuits and downed gin.

She then got on her iPhone and went to FaceTime.

May shrieked when she looked at her screen.

Emmanuel Macron was only wearing brief undershorts that were decorated with pink coloured daisies and that was it.

Macron shrieked when he looked at his screen.

Theresa May was only wearing hair curlers and that was it.

May gasped, “Emmanuel, we’ve got to stop FaceTiming like this.”

. . .

Miranda the mermaid had shapeshifted into full human form and was lying on the beach at Tel Aviv.

The Greek god Poseidon stepped up out of the ocean.

He had a large seashell to his ear since he was in a teleconferencing call with his brothers Zeus and Hades.

Poseidon ended the call and put the seashell in the back seat of his pants which were made out of seaweed.

“Miranda,” the Greek sea deity called out to the mermaid, “Did you know the ghost of Orson Welles is looking for you?”.

. . .

After filling the Baphomet and Baal worshipping Rep. Brian Sims of Philadelphia with the worst possible nightmares, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora returned to New York City for a nighttime modelling photo shoot.

Where an MI-6 spy operative code named Diablos Nocturna was waiting for her.

They spent a tantalizing evening of tantric sex afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 7th
2019.


The Byzantine vampiress Theodora: The stuff of nightmares to Baal and Baphomet worshippers.
But pleasant dreams to certain MI-6 operatives.

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Ghost of Orson Welles Recites Poetry While Waiting On Shore For Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector

May 4, 2019 at 10:14 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles stood on the Norwegian shoreline waiting for a Russian spy beluga whale to defect to the Norwegian government.

Standing alongside Welles was the Norwegian defense minister who was busy eating a can of Hertfordshire frozen peas and a can of Norwegian frozen cod.

As Welles sipped a glass of spectral red wine, he recited poetry:

On a sultry Arabian night, fair Scheherazade began the first of her 1001 tales
Whilst here I stand on this Norse shore and wait for a sign or spash from one of the beluga whales
Julian Assange meanwhile is in a British jail
releasing Hillary’s emails may prove a major fail
Does he have a cell mate who’ll sodomize him in the ass?
While Joe Biden laughs, this too shall come to pass?

Today Turkey’s President tweeted another verbal attack against Israel
Because Erdogan thinks he can an Ottoman sultan’s slippers fill
This past week a group of Catholic scholars charged Pope Francis with heresy
Had Francis lived in Christ’s time, would he have been the chief Pharisee?

Another coup attempt in Venezuela
ear marked of CIA hubris-philia
John Bolton and Mike Pompeo continue to beat the drums of war
Whilst Xi and Putin may boot the U.S. through Hades’ door
Are these the times foreseen by William Butler Yeats?
Is humanity’s thread to be cut by the deadliest of the Fates?

Yeats wrote in his poem The Second Coming
in his mind hearing distant war’s drums drumming
The best lack all conviction while the worst are full of passionate intensity.
Today it’s all pride and prejudice, little sense and sensibility.

No Sunday Masses being said in Sri Lanka
Because of Islamic State fanatica
Violence eats innocence with each passing hour
Statesmen are concerned not with truth but with power
And the foot of the god Ares has crushed many a flower

And now I wait for the sight of beluga whale
Humanity’s passing grade is F for a fail
Is dust in the wind all we shall be at the end of the day
As I watch the salt water splash on these shores of Norway?

-A poem written by Christopher
and recited by the ghost
of Orson Welles
Saturday May 4th
2019.


My childhood cinematic hero the great actor, director and writer
Orson Welles
in a poetic, poignant and powerfully compelling scene
from his movie F Is For Fake.

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Reblog of Orson Welles and The Unusual Production of MacBeth

March 31, 2019 at 9:11 pm (Entertainment, Horror, Literature, Movies, Plays, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter and blog post I wrote 4 years ago today.

Dracul Van Helsing

Orson Welles and The Unusual Production of MacBeth

It was March 1945.

And talented director and actor of stage, radio and film the great Orson Welles was directing a short scene from William Shakespeare’s MacBeth for an upcoming charity event.

Welles (in front of the stage): All right. Enter the three witches.

(Thunder and lightning. Enter three witches)

First Witch (lowering “her” cowl to reveal the face of Adolf Hitler- a fact which startles Orson Welles):

When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning or in rain?

Second Witch (lowering her “cowl” to reveal the face of Josef Stalin- a fact which also startles Orson Welles):

When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the battle’s lost and won.

Third Witch (lowers its cowl to reveal a face wearing a mask. It speaks in a very metallic sounding voice):

That will be ere the set of sun.

(On the wall at the…

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Semiramis and Dracul, An ET Gray and Justin Trudeau

February 27, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


Semiramis the Queen of Babylon plays an Adolf Hitler speech on the radio

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had once again gone back in time to February 1944 a few months before the D-Day invasion of Normandy in pursuit of the time travelling Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire officer Franz Kohler.

He was once again operating in an Orson Welles black and white film space-time dimension as he time travelled using the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern prototype film projector.

Tonight he found himself in a London England hotel room on the date of February 27th 1944 a few months before the D-Day invasion of Normandy.

The room was registered to Semiramis the Queen of Babylon.

As Semiramis sat there looking incredibly sexy in a tight blouse and tight skirt, she was playing on the radio a speech Adolf Hitler was delivering to a Let’s Make Germany Great Again rally in Berlin:

Hitler was telling the German people what to do in the event of an allied invasion of Nazi occupied Europe.

Now Dracul Van Helsing’s German was a little rusty (much like a harp playing talking rooster character who appeared on a Canadian children’s TV show The Friendly Giant that he watched as a kid) but he was pretty sure Der Fuhrer was saying 😈,

“Ve shall fight in France, ve shall fight on the seas and the oceans, ve shall fight on the beaches, ve shall fight on the landing grounds, ve shall fight in the fields and in the streets, ve shall fight in the hills, ve shall never surrender…”

“So Van Helsing,” Semiramis smiled at him, “it appears Der Fuhrer is a plagiarist among his many other charming attributes.”

“That appears to be the case,” Van Helsing agreed.

Before the evening was over, Semiramis and Dracul Van Helsing were engaged in some kinky tantric sex.

While in the hotel room next door, Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau was phoning down to room service complaining that the sausages and sauerkraut he was getting in England didn’t taste as good as what he got over in Germany.

. . .

The ET gray Gali-Gula from the planet Nibiru (who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) sat in a chair drowning his sorrows in a bottle of beer:

He wondered if his severe drinking problem was starting to affect his liver as he was starting to look more yellow than gray these days.

The source of all his troubles was that his friend Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wasn’t able to see him (Gali-Gula) to receive advice.

And the result of his not being able to give Justin advice was causing the Canadian Prime Minister to slide into a political quagmire from which he might not be able to remove himself (not even if Donald Trump threw him a lifeline made up of New York City deli baloney sausages).

And of course the reason Justin was no longer able to see the little ET gray was because he was no longer inhaling pot.

When Justin had his genetically created marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever still available to him in his greenhouse, he was able to go into the greenhouse and inhale the desert cactus plant’s pot exhale and then truthfully told the news media that he didn’t personally smoke pot.

However as a result of the Canadian government arresting Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport at the behest of the U.S. government, the Chinese government in an act of revenge had sent vampiress Mei-ling Manchu to kidnap Justin’s prickly pot smoking little buddy.

The plant was now being held in a mystical pot smoking 1960s hippy commune that had vanished off the face of the Earth back in July 1969 and only appeared again to human eyes once every 7 years.

As a result of all this, Justin was not able to get wise advice from Gali-Gula since he was unable to see him.

Having once been a Roman Emperor who was slain by his own Praetorian Guard, the Imperial Roman spirit possessed ET gray was a wealth of wisdom on what not to do when governing and ruling.

And now Justin was caught up in the SNC-Lavalin scandal whereby he was accused of trying to persuade his then Minister of Justice and Attorney-General of Canada Jody Wilson-Raybould last year to drop criminal prosecution charges against the Quebec-based construction company SNC-Lavalin on charges of trying to bribe the then Libyan government of Col. Muammar Qaddafi (prior to his overthrow by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton who now condemn Russia for interfering in U.S. internal politics) a decade ago.

SNC-Lavalin is coincidentally one of the biggest financial donors to the Federal Liberal Party of Canada of which Justin Trudeau is the leader.

Jody Wilson-Raybould did not assent to Justin’s pressure and the court case went ahead.

Last month however Justin had demoted Jody Wilson-Raybould to a lesser cabinet position.

Wilson-Raybould eventually resigned from cabinet and today she testified before a Canadian House of Commons committee on the pressure she faced from the Prime Minister’s office.

Justin (after watching hours of video of Donald Trump telling real whoppers to the media and voters) held a press conference of his own to answer Jody Wilson-Raybould’s charges.

Gali-Gula sat at the back of the press corps and wept.

Visual animation commentary for BBC News of the event was provided by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster of Set Enterprises who drew a cartoon with his lobster claws of Justin Trudeau throwing Jody Wilson-Raybould under a bus.

This did not bode well for Justin’s image as a self-proclaimed feminist and as a self-proclaimed defender of indigenous aboriginal rights.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 27th
2019.

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Wilkie The Cat Plays Abraham Lincoln On Broadway: A Poem

February 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Wilkie the feline thespian decided to celebrate Presidents’ Day 2019
By not drinking his own urine as proposed in AOC’s deal New Green
Rather he would play the role of Abraham Lincoln
and he did so after much heavy drinkin’.

Now Wilkie the Cat fancied himself the Orson Welles of Broadway
even though he was a bigger flop than a halibut caught in a codway
His proposal for a Presidents’ Day play
which drove theatregoers away
Was to play the role of Abraham Lincoln
with his catty whiskers, he’d be winkin’ and blinkin’
And his girlfriend would play Mary Todd
while the audience would play the part of Nod
which in their seats would be what they’d be doin’
As great theatre lovers underwent a serious screwin’

With encouragement from the ghost of that junior Ed Wood
Wilkie would put on the best show he could
which meant that turkey from outer space Plan 9
would when compared with Wilkie’s Lincoln look like Casablanca sublime

Wilkie fancied a play within a play like weeping over Hecuba within Hamlet
or Pyramus and Thisbe looking for rooms to let
all for the benefit of Midsummer’s wet dream
As Puck causes mortal aspirations to come apart at the seam

Wilkie’s idea was to have John Wilkes Booth as an actor on stage
appearing in Our American Cousin an 1865 theatrical rage
and have Booth shoot Lincoln from the stage rather than the Presidential Box
And allow John Wilkes Booth time to wipe the blood off his socks

Needless to say the idea sounded so much better over 10 bottles of gin
as Wilkie regaled the cast with his own peculiar historical spin
taking dramatic license to the seeming level of a mortal sin
Which it was pre-Vatican II
As Fishy Fridays
gave way to beef stew.

Sean Connery would play Our American Cousin
His line, “Miss Moneypenny, my head is abuzzin’
I have swiped the Army’s budget for the building of a wall
Because doing so I must admit makes me feel rather tall
As wearing this wee tartan kilt has me in its thrall
And the blasted neighbours won’t pay for this fine looking wall
Can you imagine their sheer arrogance and gall
And Congress won’t let me shut down government until way next fall
so I’m forced to declare an emergency even though there’s none at all.”

And Johnny Depp playing the fairy godmother of walls would appear in pink tights
giving LGBTQ members of the audience severe nocturnal frights
As Depp waves his magic wand, lo and behold
From one of his mix matched socks, a gun he does unfold
For the fairy godmother of walls is John Wilkes Booth
his night day job of exchanging nickels for a tooth
the Shakespearian actor did kindly forsooth

But Wilkie as Lincoln was eating a tuna fish sandwich
And Baphomet in the next booth was eating roast ostrich
And as William Shatner appeared as Captain James Kirk
It turned out both patrons’ food allergies were at work
With the force of a mid-Atlantic gale breeze
Wilkie and Baphomet let out a ferocious sneeze
And the wall came a tumblin’ down
right on the Statue of Liberty’s crown.

The play is over
The day is done
And Wilkie from his creditors
is now on the run.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 18th
2019.


Theatre goers smiling because they haven’t yet seen Wilkie The Cat’s Broadway play about Abraham Lincoln.

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Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year

February 5, 2019 at 11:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”

“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.

“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”

“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”

He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”

“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.

. . .

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.

It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.

. . .

In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.

A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.

The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.

. . .

In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.

Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.

“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.

“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”

. . .


Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.

“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”

“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.

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