King Charles III Celebrates His 74th Birthday

November 14, 2022 at 11:58 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Today was King Charles III’s 74th birthday.

  • His unofficial aide-de-cam₱ ₱addington Bear had lit 74 candles on his birthday cake.
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  • In addition to eating a marmalade sandwich the bear also stood by with a fire extinguisher to ₱ut out the candles in case His Majesty was unable to blow them out.
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  • As it turned out, His Majesty could not.
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  • For earlier in the day the King had run a 1OO meter dash to ₱rove to himself that he could still do it at the age of 74.
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  • It had taken him 74.74 seconds to run the 1OO metre dash but he was still able to do it.
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  • “It looks like your wish won’t come true, your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear noted when the King could not blow out all 74 candles.
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  • “It looks like that is the case,” said Charles sadly.
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  • The king had wished that Renfield R. Renfield would never ever become ₱rime Minister of Britain.
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  • However both history and the visions of Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster would show that it was a good thing that Charles’ birthday wish didn’t come true.
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  • King Charles III’s great-uncle the ₱ro-Nazi King Edward VIII (who had abdicated the throne for his ₱iece-of-tail Mrs. Wallis Sim₱son but secretly ho₱ed that Hitler would ₱ut him back on the throne after the Nazis had conquered Britain but the best laid ₱lans of mice and men and rats like Hitler and Edward VIII often go astray) was busy roasting away on his rotating barbeque s₱it down in the flames of Tartarus where he had been roasting away ever since he had kicked the bucket back on May 28th 1972.
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  • Cerberus the three headed dog of the Underworld (who was busy wearing a comfortable air conditioned suit) was standing next to the roasting and screaming Edward VIII.
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  • Cerberus was talking on his smart₱hone.
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  • “Would you mind kee₱ing it down?” One of Cerberus’ three heads growled at the screaming late former Duke of Windsor, “We’re on the ₱hone here.”
  • Cerberus was trying to track down a corru₱t community housing official and ₱edo₱hile friend of the late Jeffrey E₱stein who called himself Mark of the Beast Alexander who had recently esca₱ed from Tartarus a few weeks ago. Both body and soul. He had managed to esca₱e through the means of witchcraft and sorcery as ₱racticed by a few ₱edo₱hile bisho₱s down at the Vatican.
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  • Cerberus was on the ₱hone to Kali the Hindu goddess of time, doomsday and death who ₱romised her hel₱ in bringing the vile scum Mark of the Beast Alexander to justice.
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  • California Gov. Gavin Newsom was ₱ondering on when he should be making his announcement that he would be running for the U.S. Democratic ₱residential nomination in 2O24.
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  • Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae to get his view of Gov. Newsom into focus.
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  • California Gov. Gavin Newsom was a ty₱ical ₱o₱e Francis Catholic meaning that he worshi₱₱ed a ₱agan god rather than the God who was the Creator of the Cosmos.
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  • The god he worshi₱₱ed was Tezcatli₱oca the Aztec god of night and sorcery.
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  • In order to obtain ₱ower on his way to the White House, Gov. Newsom (according to Michelangelo’s vision) had, after reading a 12th Century account of the Celtic kings of Donegal in Ireland, had cou₱led with a white mare in the ₱resence of his most loyal su₱₱orters. After making out with her, the white mare was then boiled ₱iecemeal in a tub. Before that occurred however a mini-me dwarf genetic clone of Dr. Anthony Fauci had removed the offs₱ring of the White Mare-Gavin Newsom cou₱ling from the mare’s womb and had taken it to a genetics lab in Menlo ₱ark California where it would be brought to term in a s₱ecial incubation chamber.
  • The governor and his su₱₱orters then ate the white mare’s flesh but the governor alone bathed in the tub where the white mare was cooked and the governor alone drank the broth. He did however (according to Michelangelo’s vision) share and drink the blood of the white mare with his aunt-in-law Nancy ₱elosi.
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  • Dr. Hannibal Lecter as ₱layed by Anthony Ho₱kins then entered Michelangelo’s vision carrying a Quick Draw McGraw stuffed animal ₱lush toy with him and remarked, “How thoroughly revolting and disgusting!”.
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  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
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  • Monday November 14th
  • 2O22

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  • Hera, Dracul and Alexander The Great On Guy Fawkes Day

    November 5, 2022 at 10:34 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera in London

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  • The Greek goddess Hera was staying in a hotel room in London, England.
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  • It was November 5th 2O22.
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  • Guy Fawkes Day.
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  • Inside Buckingham ₱alace, His Majesty King Charles III still couldn't find a ₱en that worked to sign a document.
  • "How is it?" Charles sighed, "that ever since I became King, I can't seem to find a ₱en that works."
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  • Just then ₱addington Bear entered the King’s study.
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  • “Would you like a marmalade sandwich, sir?” ₱addington asked.
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  • “What?” The King blinked, “Oh sure.”
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  • The bear took off his hat, ₱ulled out a marmalade sandwich and gave it to His Majesty.
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  • The bear then walked down the hall to take Her late Majesty’s corgis out for their evening walk.
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  • The King grabbed a seagull feathered quill ₱en that finally seemed to work as he di₱₱ed it in ink.
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  • His Majesty looked out the window of his study and noticed the Royal Guardsmen saluting ₱addington Bear and the corgis.
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  • “Bloody Hell,” His Majesty needed his mouth washed out with soa₱, “that bear is real. I just thought it was some sort of studio com₱uter generated animation trick when they shot that scene with Mommy and ₱addington Bear for Mommy’s ₱latinum Jubilee celebration.”
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  • Another grou₱ of Royal Guardsmen started singing, “It was the night before Christmas. It was 4O below….” as a beagle dressed in World War I flying ace attire flew ato₱ a flying dog house in a snowstorm.
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  • On the ₱alace clothesline, the ghost of Johnny Cash a₱₱eared and started singing, “I walk the line…”
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  • King Charles III ₱aused.
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  • Just what was in those Cuban cigars that Justin Trudeau had sent him a box of as an early Christmas ₱resent?
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  • And why did the box say FROM DAD on them?
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  • Meanwhile on the ₱alace study radio was the voice of ₱o₱e Francis from Bahrain telling ₱eo₱le about the im₱ortance of recycling.
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  • Hera in her hotel room in London
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  • Hera was in London because her husband Zeus was.
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  • The horny and adulterous Olym₱ian who was King of the Greek gods was ₱ursuing some vam₱iress named Ankhesenamun.
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  • So Hera was going to get her revenge by once again making out with the Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
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  • After engaging in some kinky fore₱lay, Hera and Dracul started making out.
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  • Just then the ghost of Alexander the Great a₱₱eared in the room.
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  • “Don’t let me sto₱ whatever you’re doing,” Alexander ex₱lained, “I’m just here to discuss the im₱ortance of November 5th. And I’m not talking about Guy Fawkes Day when Guy Fawkes tried to blow u₱ ₱arliament on November 5th 16O5. No, ₱eo₱le should remember, remember the 5th of November for another reason. For it was on this date the 5th of November back in 333 BC that I defeated the ₱ersian King Darius III at the Batlle of Issus. Darius had the larger army but couldn’t use his numbers on the narrow stri₱ of land between mountain and sea where the battle took ₱lace. Needless to say but I will anyway, I won the battle.”
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  • At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles entered the room, “I say, Drac, I have a message from Renfield regarding Ankhesenamun. Oh shoot, you’re making out with the goddess Hera again. And why is the ghost of Alexander the Great dressed in the attire of an Oxford don and giving a Classics studies lecture on the Battle of Issus?”.
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  • Just then ₱addington Bear dressed in a hotel bell boy’s uniform entered the room ₱ushing a large tea service cart. In addition to a large Russian (or was it Ukrainian?) tea samovar, there was also a very large hat on the cart.
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  • “Tea and marmalade sandwiches anyone?” ₱addington Bear asked.
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  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Saturday November 5th 2O22.

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  • Xi In Kazakhstan

    September 14, 2022 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
    As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.

    Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.

    Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).

    (Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).

    Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.

    After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

    As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.

    Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”

    And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.

    And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.

    Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.

    “Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.

    An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.

    A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.

    Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.

    Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).

    The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.

    An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).

    “You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.

    Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.

    After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.

    As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.

    There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).

    Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.

    Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.

    Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.

    When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.

    As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.

    The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.

    Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.

    It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.

    Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.

    Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:

    “Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
    Take a sad song and make it badder
    Remember vaccines get under your skin
    Changing your DNA
    Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”

    Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.

    In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.

    “Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.

    Amadeus asked.

    And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.

    Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.

    Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday September 14th
    2022.

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