Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC News Report From Jerusalem

April 12, 2014 at 7:25 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC News Report From Jerusalem

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were enjoying some chips and chip dip and watching BBC World News on the television in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

“This news report just in,” the BBC World News anchorman intoned…

“I always enjoy the news more when Naga Munchetty is reading the news,” Renfield quipped.

“I’ve noticed that,” Amadeus stated.

“… The attempted machete attack on Mr. Miliband in the Old City of Jerusalem occurred in the midst of the British Labour Party leader’s 3-day visit to Israel and the West Bank,” said the anchorman.

“Someone tried to attack Ed Miliband?” Amadeus stopped in the middle of dipping his chip.

“The assailant captured on this mobile phone cam closely resembles Kermit the Frog as you can see…” the anchorman went on.

“Indeed, ’tis the very spitting image of Kermit,” Renfield said in somewhat theatrical fashion as he continued to enjoy his chips ‘n chip dip.

“Israeli police seemed unable to wrestle the machete wielding amphibian assailant to the ground,” the anchorman’s black hair started turning white as he spoke, “for they seemed to pass right through the body of Kermit as if he were a spirit.
The maniacal frog whose life of “it isn’t easy being green” was obviously getting to him ended up being stopped in his tracks when Interpol agent Peter Whitstable threw a vial of water at him…”

“Obviously Kermit feels the same way about water as W. C. Fields did,” Renfield sipped from a bottle of brandy.

“Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol later told a BBC reporter that the vial contained Holy Water personally blessed by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI…”

“Well conservative Catholics who are upset with Pope Francis will be happy to hear that,” Renfield licked his lips as he fondly remembered the huge all beef patty cheeseburger he ate yesterday which was a Friday.

“I can’t believe Kermit the Frog turned out to be a homicidal maniac,” Amadeus wept, “one of my childhood heroes gone.”

“Yeah the trouble with childhood heroes,” Renfield belched as he started hitting a bottle of bourbon, “is they either die like Shirley Temple and Mickey Rooney or they end up homicidal maniacs like Kermit the Frog and Oscar Pistorius.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 12th

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Pan Goatee On Park Avenue

April 11, 2014 at 7:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee On Park Avenue

The New York City billionaire hid behind a curtain in his Park Avenue apartment as he spoke to Pan Goatee.

Pan figured the man was possibly either quite shy or extremely ugly or maybe both.

As Pan heard a rustling behind the curtains that overlooked a grotesque face painted on a globe of the world that sat on a throne in front of the black curtain, a parrot in a cage on a nearby table squawked, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore! Squawk! Toto, I’ve got the feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. Squawk!”.

A gun emerged from behind the curtain and was fired.

The parrot fell to the copy of The Wall Street Journal on the floor of his bird cage- quite dead.

“You’re right,” a voice behind the curtain said, “you’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Pan was starting to feel a kinship with the billionaire behind the curtains after he watched this display.

“I understand,” the billionaire looked at a copy of Pan Goatee’s resume behind the curtain as he spoke, “that you have the ability to astral project
and that furthermore you have the ability to kill people with your astral body using either an astral machete or an astral semi-automatic.”

“That is correct,” Pan Goatee beamed from ear to ear on his furry, fuzzy unshaven face.

He was quite proud of his skills and abilities.

“And I understand,” the billionaire flipped over to the second page of the genetically created half-man half-goat satyr serial killer’s 666-page resume, “that you’re able to shape-shift into various human forms and appearances with your astral body?”.

“And other life forms as well,” Pan Goatee stuck out his chest proudly.

He was currently working on doing a lifelike impersonation of Kermit the Frog with his astral body.

“I want you,” the billionaire spoke, “to astral project to the so-called Holy Land and while there to kill multitudes of people. You’re to kill a whole bunch of Palestinians while looking like a Jewish settler and then to kill a whole bunch of Israeli Jews while looking like a fighter of the Fatah al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade. Will you do it?”.

Pan Goatee had in fact done such a very thing for free last autumn while in the area of Jerusalem’s Temple Mount.

He had done it as a practical joke to keep himself amused.

“Sure,” Pan Goatee replied, “how much will you pay me?”.

“I’ll pay you $100,000 per person you kill,” the billionaire answered.

“All right,” Pan Goatee answered as he looked down at his fingernails and figured they could use a good manicure, “how many people do you want me to kill?”.

“As many as possible,” the billionaire answered, “whatever amount it takes to start an all-out war between Israel and the Palestinians.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 11th

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Pan Goatee and Neb-Senu In Bethlehem

July 7, 2013 at 9:09 pm (The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and his friend the spirit of the statue of Neb-Senu had astral projected themselves to the town of Bethlehem in the West Bank.

Pan Goatee had not only taught himself the art of astral projection the past few weeks but had also recently mastered the ability to shapeshift into other human forms.

He shape shifted into the appearance of a West Bank Jewish settler and went into a Palestinian neighbourhood and slaughtered a bunch of Palestinian children.

He then shapeshifted into the appearance of a fighter member of the Fatah al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade and went into a nearby Jewish settlement and slaughtered a bunch of Jewish settler children.

“Nothing like starting a shit load of trouble between people,” Pan Goatee shapeshifted into Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow and winked at Neb-Senu.

They then astral projected themselves into the doctor’s office of a hospital in Bethlehem to see what trouble they could cause there.

The doctor was out of his office but the TV was on and the satellite had picked up a transmission of an old 1960s American TV program Batman.

“Unholy smokeless fire, Batman,” Robin the Boy Wonder shouted to the Caped Crusader.

The jinn in the test tube in the doctor’s office thought he was the one being talked about and looked towards the TV screen.

That’s when he noticed the astral bodies of Pan Goatee and Neb-Senu.

The jinn (who was of the Marid variety of jinn) had been imprisoned in the test tube for a few months now.

He had been told in a vision that the only way he could escape was to get another entity to take his place.

The jinn noticed one of the entities appeared to be Egyptian and the other entity appeared to be a bad impersonation of American actor Johnny Depp as pirate Captain Jack Sparrow.

Inside the test tube, the Marid jinn shapeshifted into an alluring female Egyptian Sila jinn who sang a sweet song of seduction in Egyptian to the entity known as Neb-Senu.

Eagerly, Neb-Senu astral projected into the test tube allowing the Marid jinn to make his escape.

The Marid jinn quickly astral projected himself into the direction of the Mediterranean Sea.

When Pan Goatee saw that his friend Neb-Senu could not astral project himself out of the test tube, all he could say was “Oh shit.”

Pan then astral projected himself to a Gypsy crystal ball reader on London’s Carnaby Street for advice.

Meanwhile in another section of the hospital, Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in his booming Welsh voice said, “I declare this maternity ward officially open…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday evening circa 7 PM
July 7th 2013

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