The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat In Washington DC

January 27, 2021 at 11:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was out shoveling the sidewalks in front of the house where he rented a room because it had snowed overnight.

“Just wait until I get my hands on those bloody frost giants of the old Norse pantheon,” Pan Goatee seethed, “They won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

The satyr pushed some more snow away.

“Just wait until I get my hands on Loki the Norse trickster god,” Goatee vowed, “He won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

Just then to Pan Goatee’s horror, a repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp came walking down the sidewalk.

She was walking down the sidewalk walking her dog.

“Bloody Hell,” Goatee noted, “That’s all I need to ruin my day is having to look at some fat ugly blimp. A two-legged dog (who are all ugly) out walking her four legged dog (who are generally cute).”

“Well, it would look pretty stupid the other way around,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse remarked as he clomped by dragging an old milk wagon behind him, “If it was a four legged dog out walking a two legged dog.”

Mr. Ed stopped in front of a house down the street as Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman reached for a couple of jugs of fresh milk.

“Shit, the milk has frozen!” Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman called out.

“Well, I told you not to deliver milk in a milk wagon in the middle of a snowstorm,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse pointed out as he smoked his Cuban cigar, “But did you listen? NO! What do I know you probably figured? I’m just a horse! Even though I won first prize in a Latin poetry writing competition a couple of years ago. Beating out 2018 humans I might add.”

Meanwhile Pan Goatee had by this time beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“And not only are you fat and ugly,” Goatee gave his aesthetic adjudication, “but you’re guilty of cruelty to animals as well. How do you think this poor dog feels having to walk around the neighbourhood with a fat ugly blimp such as yourself?”.

Indeed the dog was already running down the street enjoying his new found glorious freedom.

Krampus the goat demon hybrid arrived on the scene to gather up the 999 trillion pieces of the fat ugly blimp, put them in his sack and carry them down to Hades.

After crossing the River Styx, Cerberus the 3-headed dog peed and crapped all over the fat ugly blimp’s remains when he heard about her gargantuan cruelty to animals.

Meanwhile Loki the Norse trickster god made the mistake of walking by Pan Goatee.

Loki immediately found himself being beheaded by Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete.

“I hate it when that happens,” Loki’s head remarked as it rolled down the street.

. . .

“I see priests in the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington DC are lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate a bagel, “I wonder why they’re lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession?”.

“Beelzebub knows,” Uncle Ernie remarked as he fed a spoonful of crack cocaine to an Australian house fly, “Several Catholic priests in this diocese are trying to talk me into converting from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism for some reason.”

“That’s strange,” Amadeus admitted.

“It is,” Uncle Ernie nodded, “It probably means I’ll have to reglue my foreskin to my Jolly Roger if I want to covert from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism.”

Uncle Ernie held up the small glass bottle that had once been used to store a plastic contact lens but which was now home to Uncle Ernie’s foreskin which had been separated on and off from Uncle Ernie’s Jolly Roger all these many years.

“I wonder if that’s what the Canadian folk music band Captain Tractor meant by their song lyrics… When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores?,” Amadeus mused aloud.

“I don’t remember Regina,” Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie reflected on his past trips to Canada and Saskatchewan in particular, “I do remember I got my Jolly Roger caught in Moose Jaw down in the Al Capone Prohibition Booze era tunnels.”

. . .

“As we all know, Donald Trump incited an erection.”
-New York Sen. Chuck Schumer
coming out of the closet
on the U.S. Senate floor

. . .

A Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat was walking the streets of Washington DC.

The metal rat built by Havana Cuba based sanity challenged scientist Dr. Ja Oui Khan for Huawei Technologies of China had the skull of a demon buffalo put on its head by the Norse trickster god Loki prior to South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo restoring the skull to life turning it into a full fledged Demon Buffalo Head.

Ironically enough, Loki’s head was now missing from his body.

The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat had been given the ability to detect and analyze thoughts.

It could tell those people who thought like Communists from those who didn’t think like Communists.

Those people who didn’t think like Communists the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat gored to death with his demon buffalo horns.

The CEOs of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Google as well as the CEO of United Airlines were all safe from death at the horns of the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat.

As were all the editors and reporters at the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, BBC, Global News Canada and Fox News.

To say nothing of the entire Democratic Congressional and Senate caucuses and 2/3 of the Republican Congressional and Senate caucuses.

As well as all the members of the Biden-Harris Administration.

“I failed, I failed,” the ghost of Sen. Joe McCarthy sobbed as he walked down the streets of Washington DC.

“Wow, that really blows my mind,” Hunter Biden commented as he sat at the gates of the White House smoking a pipe of crack cocaine.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 27th
2021

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Pan Goatee Beheads Again and Mordred Returns

January 20, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee figured that with Joe Biden’s Inauguration today, there would be lots of satanic activity and examples of incredibly bad taste going on.

And not just among the airheaded American film and music industry celebrities gathered in Washington DC or in some online based virtual reality of Mephistophelian making.

But in his little corner of the world as well.

Sadly for Goatee, this proved to be true.

Following Biden’s appointment of the hideously repulsively ugly Rachel Levine as Assistant Secretary of Health (foreshadowing a disaster for the American health care system of Stephen King Cujoian proportions), Goatee figured that fat ugly blimps would be coming out of the closet en masse.

More so than usual that is.

As fat ugly blimps had been coming out of the closet en masse ever since the advent of feminism in the Western world 50 years ago.

And had been growing worse with each passing decade.

Now with the senile old fool Joe Biden as President, fat ugly blimps would be trying to fit into their size 1500 waist waste trousers (with exceedingly great difficulty) and exiting the closet (each closet being about the size of the San Diego Zoo).

When Goatee approached the neighbourhood liquor store, he was shocked to see a fat ugly blimp inside the liquor store.

After barfing all over the place causing a minature flood in the shopping centre parking lot as a result of seeing the fat ugly blimp, Goatee then removed his astral laser machete from his astral laser holster and beheaded the fat ugly blimp before cutting her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee wondered as he calmly wiped the blood off his machete if he had some sort of obsession with the number 999 trillion in the same way that the Serbian/American scientist/inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsession with the number 3.

Not feeling inclined to enter the liquor store after its environment had been aesthetically polluted by the presence of the fat ugly blimp, Goatee went into the grocery store where he was confronted by the sight of an even more hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp.

Goatee stuck his head out the door and barfed all over the parking lot again.

Adding flood upon flood.

So much so that a person living in a house across the street started building himself an ark.

Goatee then turned back and cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head remarking, “Why can’t you fat ugly blimps just email Joe Biden your resumes instead of handing out your mirror shattering resumes in public?”.

He then cut the fat ugly blimp up into 999 trillion pieces.

After wiping the blood off his laser astral machete for the 2nd time within a space of 5 minutes, Goatee thought maybe he really did have an obsession with the number 999 trillion.

He should ask his psychiatrist the next time he saw him.

. . .

Inside the Duke of Tintagel Pub in Cornwall England, a man recently raised from the dead stood at the bar waiting to place his drink order.

The man was Mordred son of Arthur and Arthur’s half-sister Morgause (although Arthur did not know that Morgause was his half-sister when he banged her).

Mordred was also the man who slew King Arthur at the Battle of Camlann.

Although Mordred also succumbed to his own wounds at the hand of Excalibur and kicked the bucket shortly thereafter.

“Damn inconsiderate of him,” one of the horses at the Battle of Camlann thought to himself after Mordred knocked over a bucket of water with his left foot while giving up the ghost.

Mordred had been buried in an unmarked grave not far from the battle while Arthur’s body was carried across in a barge filled with beautiful women over to the Isle of Avalon.

Mordred’s body, although buried in an unmarked grave, was discovered through remote viewing after yet another DARPA Staring At Goats session.

The Director of U.S. Homeland Security had ordered that Mordred be brought back from the dead as this would fit in with the purposes of the Neo-Bolshevik Deep State.

So South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo was brought in to raise Mordred the slayer of Arthur from the dead.

When Mordred was successfully brought back from the dead and sucessfully recomposed (after having been successfully decomposing for centuries), Dr. Sterling Makabo remarked to the Homeland Security agents and DARPA operatives present, “I’m a lot funnier than that pompous verbose windbag Trevor Noah. So why can’t I have my own late night comedy show?”.

He poured some hydrogen peroxide on his hands to get rid of the worms of death that had attached themselves to Mordred’s skeleton.

“Should Trevor Noah ever die of massive boredom after being forced to watch re-runs of his alleged comedy show, we’ll let the show’s producers know that you should be kept in mind,” the Homeland Security agent remarked as DARPA operative Jefferey the otter (who had been busy catching fish in the nearby mist-filled lake of Avalon) joined him.

Now Jefferey the otter was sitting on top of a table in the Duke of Tintagel Pub drinking barrels of Green Minnow Beer as he blissfully barked out the melody of Roll Out The Barrel.

The recently raised from the dead Mordred was having a little less luck getting a drink standing up at the bar.

“Please,” Mordred cried out as a falcon possessed by the spirit of the Egyptian god Horus perched atop his shoulder, “I need a drink. I haven’t had a drink in ages.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th
2021.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Women On TV Ads and TV Shows

December 17, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had built himself a miniature CERN Large Hadron Collidor with a Lego set he had received from DARPA as an early Christmas present.

He was trying to see if the CERN collidor could be used as a time tunnel/time machine.

Goatee had taken to watching a lot more television this past month ever since his housemate who hogged the television all the time had left the house.

The only trouble was with the Christmas season approaching the obnoxious twits behind some Holiday Lotto ticket commercial in Canada insisted on ruining everybody’s Christmas by advertising their product showing some fat ugly blimp in it.

They had ran the same obnoxious commercial last Christmas but since the TV was being hogged at the time, he wasn’t subjected to the nauseating spectacle of some fat ugly blimp getting some Holiday Lotto scratch and win ticket under a Christmas tree at a Christmas party.

Now he was.

Using an old AMORC Calfifornia Rosicrucian pamphlet from the 1960s that he had found in an antique store a few years ago, Pan astral projected to the advertising agency who came up with the ad.

After torturing the advertising agency CEO before eventually beheading him, Pan found out that each individual member of the advertising team (who came up with the boneheaded ad showing an obese elephantine sized facially aesthetically challenged female advertising the (Unmerry) Holiday Lotto scratch and win ticket) was now working from home due to the pandemic (that was actually a plandemic/scamdemic).

After removing the man’s 10th fingernail with a pair of tweezers, the CEO eventually revealed the addresses of all the individual advertising team members who came up with the boneheaded ad.

Goatee astral projected to all their homes and beheaded them all.

He then went back in time (using the miniature CERN Large Hadron Collidor that he had built using Lego) and beheaded the fat ugly blimp under the Christmas tree in the ad.

He then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces and nanites came and ate her.

Krampus the half-goat half-demon hybrid arrived with his Christmas bag and put the nanites and the blimp’s vastly shrunken pieces inside and carried them down to Tartarus.

He then set fire to the Christmas tree while some cast member wept that this reminded him of what he had seen in the Amazon rainforest this past summer.

“I don’t think there are any Evergreen trees growing in the Amazon rainforest, you moron,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the person who had obviously flunked World Forest Geography back in High School.

Goatee’s next target was the cast, crew, producers, directors and writers of the Big Bang Theory TV Show.

Goatee had never watched the show but the TV networks seemed to be running endless TV commercials advertising reruns of the show.

Goatee gathered that the early episodes of the show were all right because they seemed to show a beautiful looking woman as the central female character.

But then they started showing a really super repulsive ugly looking woman as the central female character who became the antihero Sheldon’s (as antihero he obviously was because no hero would date somebody that repulsively ugly. Saint George would have let such a woman be eaten by the dragon if any dragon existed that had such bad taste in what they added to their diet) love interest and worse yet actually married her.

“I thought this Sheldon was supposed to be a genius,” Goatee pointed out to his teddy bear, “What sort of genius dates and proposes to and then marries someone that repulsively ugly? He’s obviously no genius. It’s obviously a pretense. Has he never read what Nietzsche and Oscar Wilde wrote about beauty and contrasting it with its opposite ugliness?”.

Back in time, Pan remarked to the actor who played Sheldon, “Thou pseudointellectual moron! Genius? Thou art not. It’s all a pretense. Thou strikest me as being a future Joe Biden supporter. Thou and those accursed Dominion voting machines with thee.”

And with that, he beheaded the actor who played Sheldon.

He then beheaded the ugly looking gargoyle who played Sheldon’s girlfriend, fiancee and wife in the TV series when she failed to immediately take his advice when he said, “Get thee to a nunnery.”

He then gathered some dynamite and blew up the set of the TV series.

“Big Bang Theory no more,” Goatee lit himself a cigar, “You are now big bang fact.”

The ghost of Adam Weishaupt (founder of the Bavarian Illuminati) was watching the CERN Large Hadron Collidor security camera videos with far leftist billionaire George Soros.

“I thought talk of this genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was just a conspiracy theory,” Weishaupt remarked to Soros, “Now it appears to be conspiracy fact.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 17th
2020.

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Alberta Premier Jason Kenney Is A Fat Slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of The Antichrist

December 8, 2020 at 11:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, Sorcery, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was reading a recent Facebook status posted by a friend of his a geopolitical analyst who lived in Calgary.

The Facebook status read:

“The Alberta Provincial Government of Premier Jason Kenney have shown themselves to be Apostles of The Antichrist by announcing Neo-Bolshevik Covid Communist restrictions on the province.

They have further established themselves as Apostles of The Antichrist by calling this stupid press conference at 4 PM local time thus pre-empting my favourite soap opera The Young and The Restless which starts in this time slot.

At least fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of The Antichrist Jason Kenney could have waited until 5 PM (to pre-empt the Channel 7 Global News Calgary Disinformation Branch of the Orwellian Covid-1984 New World Order Ministry of Propaganda local news) to make his bloody announcement.

Fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of the Antichrist Jason Kenney shall roast in the flames of Hell for all Eternity for this.”

After reading this, Renfield was reminded of a historical incident often mentioned by the geopolitical analyst’s best friend in University a History major who went on to become a professional researcher and archivist.

According to the researcher-archivist, when the Lester B. Pearson Canadian Federal Liberal government brought in the Canada Federal Medical Care Act in 1966 which would establish a federal Public Health Care system, Alberta’s Provincial Social Credit Premier Ernest C. Manning was opposed to it because Alberta already had its own provincial Health Care system MSI (which stood for Medical Services Inc.).

Manning figured that the proposed new Canadian Medicare would not be as good as the provincial MSI.

In this, Manning was probably correct as the Lester Bowles Pearson Federal Liberals had already shown bad judgement by getting the Quebec Communist Pierre Elliot Trudeau to run for Federal Liberal MP in a Montreal riding and then naming him to the Federal Cabinet when the bum was actually elected.

Manning showed bad judgement however when he publicly broadcast on TV his opposition to the Canada Medicare Act by pre-empting an episode of the popular TV show The Munsters which was shown on the CTV Network’s broadcast outlet stations in Alberta.

The Munsters was an extremely popular television show back in the 1960s relating the misadventures and mishaps of the much beloved central character Herman Munster (played by actor Fred Gwynne).

Manning’s inherent bungling and bad judgement in pre-empting an episode of The Munsters would cost Manning’s Provincial Social Credit Party dearly in the next Alberta Provincial election in 1967.

Social Credit had always enjoyed a large majority in the Alberta Provincial Legislative Assembly ever since it first won election in 1935.

Opposition parties usually only held about 4 or 5 seats at the most.

However thanks to Manning’s bungling and incompetence in the Munstergate Affair, Social Credit went from holding 65 seats in the Alberta Legislature to holding only 55 seats in the 1967 Alberta Provincial election.

Social Credit now faced a massive 10 man Opposition, 6 seats went to the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party under its new leader Edgar Peter Lougheed, 3 seats went to the Alberta Liberal Party and 1 seat was won by an Independent.

Renfield figured that with pre-empting The Young and The Restless episode at 4 PM instead of the Channel 7 Global News Calgary Marxist Bullshit Propaganda Masquerading As News program at 5 PM, fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of the Antichrist Jason Kenney had sealed his electoral doom in the next Alberta Provincial election.

. . .

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) was walking to a nearby grocery store to buy eggs to make himself an omelette.

Suddenly he heard hurried footsteps.

The footsteps were coming from across the street as a thin ugly looking stoat (Pan Goatee divided ugly looking women into 3 categories- thin ugly stoats, medium sized ugly gargoyles and fat ugly blimps) was rushing to see if she could get ahead of him.

She rushed on the other side of parked cars on the street to get on to the sidewalk.

Goatee raced ahead as he wasn’t about to let someone as repulsively ugly as she was get ahead of him.

The ugly looking creature swore at Goatee under her breath (which was as foul as the sulphurous fumes of Hell) that Goatee with his excellent hearing picked up.

“Mumbling swear words is a sign of insanity,” Goatee commented with the eloquence of a Laurence Olivier delivering a Shakespearian theatrical performance as he beheaded the repulsively ugly looking thing with his astral laser machete.

He then cut the ugly looking creature up into 999 trillion pieces.

Nanites came and ate the pieces of the late unlamented uglo and then barfed all over one another.

The half-demon/half-goat hybrid Krampus then gathered up the uglo regurgitating nanites and put them in his sack and took them down to Hell.

. . .

Meanwhile on the Thames River in London, demons loyal to Apophis the Egyptian serpent god of Chaos were on board a ghostly spectral double of the Russian gunship Aurora (whose shots fired on the Winter Palace in Saint Petersburg signalled the start of the 1917 Russian Bolshevik Revolution).

The Russian gunship Aurora 2.0 had its great searchlights beamed on to Buckingham Palace.

The ghost of American singer Johnny Cash (recently granted a dispensational release from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone) protested the Aurora 2.0 having Buckingham Palace within its sites.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 8th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Beheads 6 Yutes and A Fat Ugly Blimp Alcoholic In A Blizzard Along With A Joe Biden Admiring Reporter

November 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking through a blizzard to pick up a couple of bottles of Coca-Cola Zero (the diet Coke that actually tastes like Coca-Cola Classic unlike the named Diet Coke with a large D).

When he arrived at the nearby small shopping centre, he was horrified to discover that the grocery store had closed (probably due to nobody visiting them in the blizzard).

There was a liquor store next door to them which was open (because as everybody knows in contemporary booze happy North American society, liquor stores never close no matter what the weather. They’re even open in hurricanes and asteroid strikes which was a good thing with the 99942 Apophis asteroid rapidly approaching Earth).

Goatee went in to buy Coca-Cola Zero.

As he was leaving, a hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp entered the liquor store mumbling to herself, “Need whisky. Desperately need whisky.”

“Oh Great God Zeus,” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what society needs at the moment. A fat ugly blimp alcoholic.”

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat uglo extra-large purveyor of distillery and brewery fumes thus saving people from blinding and killing themselves at some future Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Nanites immediately came and ate the fat ugly blimp’s head and body.

Krampus the 2nd (a DARPA created genetic clone of the original Germanic demonic goat hybrid Krampus who appears in the former Germanic territories of the former Holy Roman Empire on Krampusnacht which is the evening before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas) gathered up the 999 trillion remains of the fat ugly blimp alcoholic and put them in a bag and took them to Tartarus for cremation where the flames rose even higher due to the high alcohol intake.

Goatee continued down the blizzard laden street and noticed 6 yutes (what Joe Pesci’s Brooklyn lawyer character called “youths” during his first ever trial held in the Deep South in the 1992 film My Cousin Vinny) walking on the other side of the street.

“We don’t care what anyone says,” one of the 6 yutes shouted in a loud voice, “We’re going to continue to use sexist and racist terminlogy.”

“It’s bozos like you who are laying the groundwork for a Neo-Bolshevik Communist insurrection in the United States,” Goatee pointed out as he immediately beheaded the 6 yutes.

“Excuse me,” a Global News Canada reporter with a stupid looking expression on his face approached Goatee.

Of course almost all Global News Canada reporters have stupid looking expressions on their faces with the exception of a Vietnamese-Canadian female friend of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst who happened to work for Global News Calgary as a reporter.

One who when her local Calgary news stories are actually shown on Global News Canada National reports neither her name nor face is shown or her voice is heard to Global News Canada National audiences (thus showing the total racism and total hypocrisy of the politically correct Global News Canada Network whose political hero is the totally racist and totally hypocritical bozo with a “white savior’ complex Justin Trudeau).

“I noticed you beheaded those 6 yutes for being racist and sexist,” the Global News Canada reporter who was wearing a Joe Biden For President t-shirt pointed out, “yet aren’t you the satyr who goes around beheading ugly looking women? Isn’t beheading ugly women sexist?”.

“No you moron, that form of discrimination is called lookism,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the imbecilic Global News Canada reporter for his mental ineptitude, “If I was homosexual, I’d go around beheading ugly looking men. Just like when the bisexual writer Oscar Wilde (who’s one of my literary and Philosophy of Aesthetics heroes) was asked at his trial why he didn’t kiss a certain waiter at a certain hotel, Wilde answered, “Because he was too ugly.” So get your definition straight. It’s lookism not sexism. God knows, there are enough imbecilic reporters already in the world. Well, I guess there’s one less now.”

Goatee went home.

Goatee then watched on-line one of his favourite reporters, Detroit’s Michael Voris, a true objective journalist and not a Marxist partisan New World Order hack.

The photographic images on the screen behind Voris showed that birds of a feather flock together.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 10th
2020.

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The Day After

November 4, 2020 at 11:41 pm (Aesthetics, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Sorcery, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

“The U.S. Democrats believe in killing babies and supporting sodomy.
So it should come as no surprise that they would believe in cheating at elections as well.”
-Renfield R. Renfield MP on the Democrats tampering with election results in the states of Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to say nothing of Arizona, North Carolina and Georgia.

The world’s most charismatic and witty serial killer Pan Goatee was walking down the street when lo and behold! the poor chap’s night was ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp approaching.

“You hideous behemoth straight from the pits of the place that Pope Francis says doesn’t exist,” Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped the fat uglo’s head off, “Just because the Democrats are cheating their way to a pro-Communist Biden-Harris ticket victory doesn’t mean that you fat ugly blimps can walk around with impunity.”

Nanites immediately arrived on the scene to eat the fat ugly blimp’s head and body.

More massive regurgitation was now taking place aboard Charon’s ferry on the River Styx.

After Pan Goatee had bought the bread at the grocery store, he returned home.

While returning home, Pan Goatee encountered a medium sized ugly looking gargoyle.

The Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche quoting on the subject of aesthetics genetically created satyr serial killer had, for his own personal Dewey system classification purposes, classified ugly looking females into three catgories: fat ugly blimps, medium sized ugly looking gargoyles and thin ugly looking stoats.

The gargoyle’s head was quickly lopped off by Pan Goatee’s machete and afer being eaten by nanites definitely would not be decorating the outside of Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral in the near future much to the relief of other gargoyles as well as Islamic terrorists inspecting the outside of the building as they were planning their next terrorist attack.

A reporter from Canada’s Rebel News Network approached Goatee.

It was fortunate for her that she was beautiful.

“Mr. Goatee,” the woman smiled, “I imagine both sides in the upcoming Second American Civil War will be seeking your services. Which side will you be fighting for?”.

“Well I imagine most of the ugly women will be backing the Biden-Harris ticket,” Goatee sipped his Iced Cappuccino, “so I imagine I’ll be fighting against the Biden-Harris supporters. Most women who are leftists are either ugly or airheads or in many terrifying cases both.”

“So Trump can count on your support then?” Asked the Rebel News reporter.

“Yes,” Goatee signed autographs being sought by some of the neighbourhood children, “I don’t like Trump personally but I much prefer him to that senile old fool and KKK white supremacist puppet of Xi Jinping’s Chinese Communist Party on the other side.”

. . .

Global News Canada’s Communist correspondents in the U.S. Communist asshole Jackson Proskow, Communist asshole Eric Sorensen and Communist asshole Reggie Cecchini all had to change their underwear on hearing the news that Pan Goatee would be fighting against the pro-Communist Biden-Harris camp in the upcoming Second American Civil War.

. . .

George Soros’ son Alexander Soros who was the deputy chairman of his father’s Open Society Foundations (that was currently financing the ongoing Neo-Bolshevik Revolution in the U.S.) was spending the day consulting a spiritist medium.

The name of the spiritist medium had been given to him by well-known spirit cooker Marina Abramovic.

Soros was hoping to get in touch with the ghost of the 2nd Century rabbi Simeon bar Yochai.

Rabbi Simeon bar Yochai often referred to as Rashbi was said to be the author of the great Kabbalistic work the Zohar.

Many sayings of his were to be found in the Babylonian Talmud including a passage that said it was perfectly acceptable to have sexual relationships with girls as young as 2 or 3 years of age.

Alexander Soros was hoping to get advice from the rabbi’s ghost on how to fit America into the planned Great Reset envisioned by his father George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, Prince Charles of Britain who talked to plants and wondered why they never talked back to him, World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab, Pope Francis and Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

. . .

An astronomer at the Mauna Kea astronomical observatory in Hawaii was observing the asteroid Apophis (named after the ancient Egyptian Great Serpent god of Chaos) that is calculated to be coming closest to Earth on April 13th 2029.

The trouble was the observatory’s instruments had suddenly picked up that the asteroid Apophis was accelerating its speed.

The astronomer asked the observatory’s computers to calculate what would happen if the asteroid continued to accelerate at a certain speed within a certain set of conditions.

The astronomer ripped off the final calculations on the paper from the computer printer.

The paper read, “It would hit Earth with maximum impact on…”

“Oh shit!” The astronomer cried, “Is there no end to all that is happening in 2020?”.


“Did anybody get the license plate number of that asteroid?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th
2020.

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade and Hillary’s Nightmare

September 24, 2020 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had gone to a nearby grocery store to buy himself some Mango and Guava juice (to start the new autumn season by eating and drinking healthy).

Pan Goatee’s serial killing specialty was to kill ugly looking women (or as he called them “female facially aesthetically challenged” so as not to be so politically offensive in an age of extreme political correctness where people are so easily offended about everything).

As Goatee returned from the grocery store and walked across the street to his home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking her dog (a dog of the four legged variety as opposed to the two legged variety).

The fat ugly blimp’s dog took a shit on the lawn of the house where Pan Goatee rented a room.

“Leaping toadstools!” Goatee exclaimed, “You walk around with your fat ugly face ruining the aesthetic environment of an early autumn evening and then your dog takes a shit on my lawn? Why don’t you potty train him to take a shit on your face? At least that way it would be a huge improvement.”

Goatee then beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete.

He beheaded the dog as well for crapping on his lawn.

Nanites from Hell arrived to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog.

After Goatee had put his Mango and Guava juice away, he was so angry about the encounter with the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog, he decided to go for a long walk hoping that seeing the autumn colours of the trees would improve his mood.

But the colours of the trees had not changed colour yet.

It must be all the hot air flowing from City Hall these days as the city’s fat chubby Mayor (who lucky for him was male otherwise his political career might have come to an abrupt and sudden end when Goatee moved into the city) and his brainless city councillors and even more brainless bureaucrats didn’t seem to know how to run a city, Goatee fumed.

The hot air from City Hall was preventing the leaves on the trees from changing colour.

Goatee decided to turn around and head home.

His mood even more sour than ever.

Then lo and behold! his mood worsened when an even fatter and uglier fat ugly blimp than the one he encountered earlier in the evening was walking down the street right at him.

“What’s with you uglos?” Goatee noted as he beheaded her, “This must be part of a George Soros funded plot to lower the morale of what used to be western civilization and pave the way for a global Communist revolution. They’ve even got fat ugly blimps doing TV ads for the Big Spin Wheel Lottery whereas in the past they used to have beautiful women doing it. This Great Reset as Soros and the UN call it is off to a piss poor start in my opinion. And my lawn if it could talk would say it’s off to a crappy start!”.

. . .

“Unholy Mother of Beelzebub!” Hillary Clinton woke up screaming, “I had a nightmare where I dreamed I was being beheaded by a genetically created satyr hot off the test tubes and hot off the pages of classical Greek mythology and he was speaking hilariously funny Oscar Wilde style witticisms as he beheaded me.”

“I had the same nightmare!” Bill said as he woke up with a huge smile on his face.

“Have you been sleep writing phone numbers again?” Hillary grabbed the pen and paper away from the former Fornicator-In-Chief.

Hillary became enraged, “Why did you write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?”.

“Did I write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?” Bill blushed, “I meant to write down Ariana Grande’s. I imagine Monica is quite old by now. And I really enjoyed ogling Ariana Grande’s ass along with the Rev. Jesse Jackson at Aretha Franklin’s funeral two years ago. I was wanting to have Ariana perform with me a duet version of that old Dolly Parton song Here You Come Again.”

Hillary hit Bill over the head with a cactus plant.

. . .

Pope Francis looked at the shooter style mean looking alcohol concoction in his gay papal secretary’s shooter glass.

“What’s that drink called?” The Communist pontiff inquired.

“It’s called a Cthulhu,” his secretary answered.

“A what?” Francis looked confused.

“A Cthulhu,” the secretary replied, “named after a fictional monster created by the American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft.”

“What does it taste like?” Francis asked.

“I guess I’m about to find out,” the secretary smiled and downed the shooter.

He immediately disintegrated.

Both flesh and bones (most of his bones anyways).

Only his skull remained.

“I don’t think I shall ever order one of those,” Francis remarked as he rang his bell to ask his valet to bring him a new secretary.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 24th
2020.

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Ugly Looking Bimbos, Inept Mad Scientists and Covid Communism

July 27, 2020 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was watching the news.

He was doing it on a television specially fitted with Cadbury Rocher television equipment (developed by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher).

One of the special features was a Truth interpreter that told the viewer what the subject on television was actually saying.

Thus when Global News Canada’s America correspondent Eric Sorenson was busy giving his Communist and Neo-Bolshevik slant on events in the United States and would sign off with his usual signature statement, “This is Eric Sorenson for Global News reporting from Washington”, the Truth interpreter would give the correct pronouncement, “This is Eric Sorenson for the Global News Canada Division of the New World Order Ministry of Propaganda reporting from Washington.”

When the Global News Calgary announcer announced the next news story, Why are more couples seeking to become pregnant during the pandemic? and the story flashed to the visual image of a fat ugly looking blimp seeking to become pregnant during the pandemic, Pan Goatee threw up all over the marijuana plant his next door neighbour asked to baby sit for him.

But this is where another Cadbury Rocher TV feature came in.

Pan Goatee was able to send a holographic image of John Cleese as TV character Basil Fawlty (from the British TV comedy Fawlty Towers) to the place where the fat ugly blimp in the television news segment actually lived.

Cleese’s holographic image would say to the fat ugly blimp one of Cleese’s most popular lines from Fawlty Towers, “My God but you’re ugly.”

Cleese’s holographic image would then cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head with an astral laser machete.

He then cut up the fat ugly blimp into 999 quadrillion pieces.

Vomit spewing nanites would come and eat up all the pieces of the dismembered fat ugly blimp and then spew forth vomit.

When Cleese’s holographic image had finished spewing holographic vomit into the next door neighbour’s LSD laced kitty litter box as part of a natural reaction to seeing the hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp, he then went after the fat ugly blimp’s brainless moronic imbecile husband who wanted to make her pregnant.

In a line he never said on Fawlty Towers, Cleese’s holographic image remarked, “My God but you’re stupid” as he lopped off the stupid looking head of the moronic imbecile with incredibly bad taste in women.

Having used Cleese’s holographic image to lop off the heads of the fat ugly blimp and her incredibly moronic husband, Goatee turned the TV off and walked up to a nearby grocery store to buy bread.

As he walked along the sidewalk an immensely ugly looking and stupid female cyclist (who was too stupid to figure out she should ride on the road and not the sidewalk) came riding straight towards him.

“Haven’t you heard that Calgary’s Communist Mayor has decreed that wearing masks is now mandatory?” Goatee commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off, “And besides for somebody as ugly looking as you are, you should have the decency to wear masks in public anyways.”

He then cut her up into 999 quadrillion pieces.

Meanwhile in his castle tower laboratory, Bill Gates was using the recipe for Little Caesar’s Soft Crust Pizza to see if he could come up with a vaccine for Covid-19.

“Waaaaahhaaaaaahhhhaaah!” He cackled as lightning struck.

Meanwhile as Pan Goatee’s next door neighbour wondered why his marijuana plant was a different colour than it was before the satyr babysat it, he was watching the news where Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus the head of WHO was saying, “There remains a long hard road ahead of us.”

If the Dr. Cadbury Rocher Truth Interpreter feature had been on the pot smoker’s television set, it would have factually translated the remarks to read, “There are still a few holdouts who are resisting our attempt to impose a Marxist-Leninist One World Government on the planet.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 27th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimp While Marxist Quartet Visits DC

July 4, 2020 at 10:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee received an email from his local public library telling people not to put their library books in the microwave and turn it on in the mistaken belief that this will kill any Covid-19 virus lurking on the book covers and jacket.

“I can’t believe the stupidity of people these days,” Goatee remarked.

But there was plenty of stupidity going around as some fat ugly blimp was stupidly wandering around the neighbourhood where Pan Goatee lived.

Goatee quickly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete and cut her up into 666 quadrillion pieces.

There was a beautiful woman who had been walking alongside the fat ugly blimp.

“Just on the off chance ugliness is contagious like the Covid-19 virus,” Goatee spoke in solemn infectious diseases “expert” tones as he beheaded the beautiful woman.

Dr. Anthony Fauci had never addressed the question on whether or not ugliness was contagious (although there was some evidence for it when one looked at news footage of the overall appearance of women who attended Hillary 2016 rallies 4 years ago).

Dr. Fauci himself had caught a mysterious virus a few days ago that had turned him into a garden gnome lawn ornament.

Although members of House and Senate Committees that Dr. Fauci had testified in front of the past week hadn’t noticed any difference.

As Joe Biden made his 4th of July message on his front lawn surrounded by garden gnome lawn ornaments whom, he told the assembled media, were wanting to smell his hairy legs, Biden said, “The most patriotic thing one can do this 4th of July is to wear a mask.”

Biden made the statement while NOT wearing a mask.

At the 4th of July fireworks display over Washington DC, the ghosts of Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and North Korea’s first Communist leader Kim Il-sung were all watching.

The ghosts of the Marxist quartet had been temporarily released by Hades from roasting away on their respective barbeque spits down in Tartarus at the request of Pope Francis who was quite anxious that the foursome should see this year’s 4th of July fireworks over Washington DC.

Pope Francis’ request to Hades had been co-signed by American economist Jeffrey Sachs, Bill Gates of Microsoft and botched vaccines fame, George Soros, WHO head Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres and Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

“Just think,” Stalin shed tears, “By next year’s 4th of July celebrations, this country will belong to us.”

“Or at least your ideological successors at any rate,” the 3 heads of Cerberus growled as the famed Underworld dog chased the 4 back to Tartarus.

And then in the glow of the Buck Moon (the nickname of the July full moon because this is the time of year when the male deer begin to grow their antlers), Cernunnos the Celtic horned stag god of beasts and wild places stood atop the Washington Monument obelisk in the moonlight.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 4th
2020.

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Marxist Puppets On Strings

June 30, 2020 at 10:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee exited the grocery store where a very unusual version of an old Elvis Presley song was playing above the store aisles,

“Are you Marxist tonight?
Are you sorry you read Das Kapital?….”

While exiting the store, the genetically created satyr serial killer encountered a fat ugly blimp with a butch haircut and a streak of a very ugly looking shade of blue in her hair.

“Why don’t you wear a paper bag over your head when you go out in public, you ugly looking bull dyke freak?” Goatee commented as he lopped off her head with his astral laser machete.

“Hey, you shouldn’t call people bull dyke freaks,” snivelled a man who could have easily passed for being a member of Pope Francis’ curia if he lived at the Vatican or a hairdresser if he lived in Beverly Hills California, “especially during Pride week when we’ve got the Marxist-Leninist New Age Maitreyan occultic inverted rainbow displayed all over the place?”.

“Why don’t you turn into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife did?” Goatee calmly answered as he lopped off the whiner’s head.

The whiner’s head exploded in a massive burst of salt (with a dash of pepper) as it hit the ground.

Meanwhile over in Beijing, Xi Jinping was playing with some controls that managed the electric invisible puppet strings that controlled Xi’s puppet Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus the Ethiopian Communist who had headed the World Health Organization since 2017.

“The Covid-19 virus is still here, the Covid-19 virus is still here,” Dr. Tedros shouted in a fit of apoplexy as he rode a toy horse coloured pale green.

“Good news on the Hong Kong front,” the supernatural entity known as the Black Dragon who was Xi’s spirit guide advisor smiled, “the Hong Kong Security Law is now law in Hong Kong. We can now start throwing people in jail by the millions.”

“That’s great,” Xi beamed like a beatific Buddha if Buddha had been possessed by a demon, “no doubt Democatic Party governors and Mayors in America will continue to take notes from my actions as they round up Christians and other non-Marxists in the U.S.”.

“That is if the Neo-Marxist insurrectionists and Neo-Jacobin revolutionaries don’t guillotine them all first once they finish tearing down all the statues of the old America,” the Black Dragon laughed like Mount Vesuvius erupting over Pompeii in 79 AD.

“Exactly,” Xi got one of his drag queen roosters to lay a 1000-year-old egg.

“There’s good news on the Taiwan front as well,” the Black Dragon guffawed like Krakatoa erupting in 1883.

“Really?” Xi directed one of his guards to deliver the 1000-year-old egg to the Wuhan Institute of Virology for old times’ (i.e. December 2019) sake.

“Yes, in the supernatural realm angels who had been guarding the island of Taiwan on the orders of the Archangels Saint Michael and Saint Raphael have now withdrawn from Taiwan on their angelic commanders’ orders,” the Black Dragon cackled like Mount Pinatubo in 1991.

“Why?” Xi asked.

“Because Taiwan just held a huge Pride parade honouring the Alphabet Soup Disciples of Baphomet,” the Black Dragon started brushing his teeth with a Dyson powered vaccum cleaner.

“The Italian Marxist theoretician Antonio Gramsci was certainly right when he theorized that honouring Baal and Baphomet practices and introducing them into a country’s wider culture can easily pave the way for the triumph of Communism everywhere,” Xi got his drag queen rooster to lay another 1000-year-old egg, “We can probably annex Taiwan by summer’s end this year.”

Meanwhile on the White House lawn in Washington DC, Dr. Anthony Fauci wearing a Chicken Little suit (given him as a gift by Xi Jinping) started clucking, “100,000 cases a day are coming. 100,000 cases a day are coming.”

America’s leading self-proclaimed expert on viruses was then struck by a virus that turned him into a garden gnome lawn ornament.

“Where did that stupid looking lawn ornament come from?” Donald Trump asked his British butler and valet Lexington as he gazed out from his Oval Office window.

“No idea, sir,” Lexington shook his head, “It wasn’t there this morning when Andrew Jackson’s statue was chasing Nancy Pelosi across the lawn with a 6 foot giant Cuban cigar in his mouth.”

“Strange,” Trump wondered where Jackson got the Cuban cigar.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 30th
2020.

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