Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

January 17, 2018 at 8:38 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

“This looks like a job for Pan Goatee,” the satyr serial killer said as he removed his machete from his belt and decapitated a whole bunch of ugly women who were riding the bus.

Once again transit system janitors would be working overnight washing the floor and removing the blood.

“Nobody seems to murder anyone in motel room showers anymore,” one janitor complained to another.

“No, ever since Alfred Hitchcock shot that masterful scene in black and white with Janet Leigh, most psychos seem to have been afraid to murder a woman in the shower ever since,” a janitor refilled his bucket with Spic and Span.

“At least the IQ level of psychos is going up,” the other janitor filled his bucket up with Mr. Clean, “must be the influence of breakthroughs in nanotechnology and other Transhumanistically inclined sciences. At least these psychopaths are now starting to kill ugly looking women instead of good looking women like Janet Leigh.”

“The gene pool is certainly on the rise as far as psychotic killers are concerned,” the other janitor had to admit.

Next morning the bus was sparkling clean.

Ready for another day of public transit.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 17th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Wins Jack The Ripper Feminist Award

January 11, 2018 at 8:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Wins Jack The Ripper Feminist Award

The Cosmic Horror Writers Association of America had voted unanimously to make satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly women) the winner of this past year’s Jack The Ripper Feminist Award given to the serial killer whose actions were most at variance with the precepts of the National Organization For Women.

As Pan Goatee was about to get off the bus at the auditorium where he was to receive his award, he noticed a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman getting on at the front of the bus.

Pan immediately rushed up to the front of the bus and beheaded the woman with his machete.

He then turned back to the bus’s back door before getting off- but not before posing with a thumbs up sign for photos taken by Japanese tourists sitting at the back of the bus.

Later inside the auditorium, Pan Goatee received a standing ovation as he accepted the award.

When Donald Trump read about tonight’s awards ceremony in this evening’s National Security Intel report, the Tweeter-In-Chief (who had proclaimed himself an “awesome genius” in his most recent Twitter tweet) asked one of his aides, “Who was Jack the Ripper?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 11th
2018.

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Pan Goatee and Steve Bannon

January 9, 2018 at 8:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee and Steve Bannon

As Pan Goatee was going around the city cutting off the heads of ugly looking women to make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place, Donald Trump was reading the latest news to happen to Steve Bannon.

Mr. Bannon was stepping down from the Breitbart News organization he had helped build.

Taking note of the news story about satyr serial killer Pan Goatee’s homicidal attacks on ugly looking women, Trump remarked, “You know what would make the perfect final end for someone who accused my family of treason? If “Sloppy Steve” (a derogatory reference to his former aide’s usually dishevelled appearance) decided he would become transgendered and the first being he encountered after his operation was none other than Pan Goatee. It would definitely spell the end of Mr. Bannon.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 9th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

January 2, 2018 at 8:55 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

The head of DARPA who went by the code name of Enigma was reading a report written by DARPA’s most preeminent contract assassin the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

In it, Pan Goatee was making a proposal to raise the collective intelligence of the human race.

In it, Pan Goatee argued that ugly looking women should be eliminated because not only were such creatures ugly but they were generally quite stupid as well.

Pan Goatee also submitted an expense deduction to be sent to DARPA accounting.

Pan Goatee had hired and flown into the U.S. a pot smoking Vancouverite from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

What, Enigma wondered, did Pan Goatee want with a pot smoking Vancouverite?

The answer became clear later in the day when a TV news story surfaced that a marijuana toking individual was manning a sidewalk booth where he was handing out free samples of a drink called Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Nanite Earl Grey Tea.

The one catch was the drink would be handed out to ugly looking women only.

After drinking the tea, each ugly looking woman’s head would explode.

Enigma figured that the reason Pan Goatee hired a pot smoking Vancouverite to hand out the tea samples was because only someone who was stoned out of his mind would be able to handle the sight of so many ugly looking women approaching him at once.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 2nd
2018.

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Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U. S. Medal of Honour

December 21, 2017 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U.S. Medal of Honour

U.S. President Donald Trump was looking at the work that DARPA hired assassin Pan Goatee had done for that agency.

President Trump said to his aide, “I’m going to nominate Pan Goatee to receive the U.S. Medal of Honour.”

“But sir, Mr. Goatee isn’t officially a member of any of the Armed Services of the United States which is a qualification necessary to receive the award,” said the aide.

“So,” Trump shrugged, “I’ll sign a proclamation making him a member of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. That way all our branches will be honoured when he gets the award.”

“But it would be a controversial decision,” said his aide, “because as a hobby, Pan Goatee is a serial killer who specializes in killing ugly women.”

“Killing ugly women?” Trump looked at his aide, “Well, then he definitely deserves the U.S. Medal of Honour. I’m going to sign his nomination papers now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 21st
2017.

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Christmas Cheer 2017

December 8, 2017 at 9:25 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Christmas Cheer 2017

A group home for mentally disabled young women was hosting a Christmas swim and pool party in the swimming pool of a community leisure centre.

Their caregivers and group home leaders stood on the deck and watched festivities carefully.

Suddenly 6 Vampiric Knights-Templars entered the pool area and opened fire with sub-machine guns.

The caregivers and group home leaders fell to the pool deck dead in pools of blood.

The Vampiric Knights-Templar then opened fire on the mentally challenged young women in the swimming pool.

Soon the water turned from crystal clear to blood red.

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal entered the pool area and started throwing canisters of Byzantine Greek fire (whose recipe had been lost to humanity for several centuries) into the pool setting the water on fire.

“Merry Christmas,” Allatallahbel laughed a sinister laugh.

. . .

This Christmas season when Krampus decided to go after naughty adults instead of naughty children, he realized it was going to take more than the evening of Krampusnacht to accomplish all that.

He had hired the DARPA-based satyr (half-man half goat) serial killer Pan Goatee to help him.

Krampus was currently in a bar with a bunch of loudmouth obnoxious drunken businessmen and bankers.

He gave the signal to Pan Goatee who mowed them all down with his laser sabre sub-machine gun.

Krampus then put the bodies in a bag while Pan Goatee gathered up their spirits and put them in an empty bottle of whiskey.

Before placing the cap on the bottle, Pan Goatee shouted into it, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a permanent dark night.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 8th
2017.

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Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

August 7, 2017 at 6:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, )

Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

Pan Goatee was pissed.

Because the fake news media was continuing to rave about Al Gore’s new movie An Inconvenient Sequel.

Although mercifully the movie bombed at the box office winding up in 15th place.

Of course 2 years ago, Pope Francis had released his papal encyclical on climate change called Laudato Si.

The encyclical Laudato Si quoted a lot from evolutionist Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

“What fools these mortals be,” the genetically created (and possibly immortal satyr serial killer) thought to himself.

Didn’t these apostate Popes and numerous New Agers realize that this Teilhard they admired so much was a racist who hated the Chinese and black Africans?

The real problem facing Earth was not climate change.

It was the decline of earthly aesthetics and beauty caused by the high proportion of ugly looking women on the planet particularly in North America.

Ironically Teilhardianily speaking it was Asia and Africa which still had high proportions of beautiful women while it was North America (where Teilhard had croaked and bit the proverbial paleontological dust back in 1955) which was positively crawling with 2-legged dogs, humanoid cows and flesh encased dirigible blimps.

Recently while going to a burger 🍔 bar to eat a hamburger, two fat humanoid cows walked in front of him.

He promptly cut their heads off with an astral laser machete.

Although the sight of them had already done its damage.

Pan Goatee had lost his appetite for eating a hamburger.

He promptly went to a Japanese sushi bar where the sight of lovely Japanese waitresses inspired him to eat tempura and teriyaki beef.

Then a few days ago he was heading to a juice bar to order his favourite brand of mango and coconut juice when an ugly repulsive looking flesh encased dirigible blimp walked in front of him.

He once again used his astral laser machete and promptly cut the ugly thing’s head off.

Having lost his appetite for mango and coconut juice as a result of the appearance of the Hellish DNA aberration that crossed his path, he went to a bar and downed a dozen whiskeys 🥃.

Then today while he was getting off a subway train, a two legged dog tried to get on in front of him.

The ugly thing with buck teeth and hideous looking glasses was promptly beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete.

Then when he was riding a bus later, a woman (and Pan Goatee used that term loosely) who was a hideous combination of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp was sitting on the sidewalk in front of a bus stop with her hideous elephant sized legs stretching out on to the road.

The ghastly sight caused the poor bus driver to swerve out of control and plunge the bus down a hillside where it crashed and killed everybody on board with the exception of Pan Goatee.

“Well I guess that answers that question about whether or not I’m mortal or immortal,” Pan Goatee thought to himself as he crawled out of a bus window.

He promptly walked uphill to the bus stop where he beheaded the ugly repulsive looking chimera hybrid creature of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp with one stroke of his astral laser machete.

“And to think Teilhard talks about humanity evolving towards an Omega Point,” Pan seethed, “instead we’re devolving to an inglorious end. And the problem is aesthetic deterioration not climate change.”

But unlike Al Gore’s hypothesis, his (Pan Goatee’s) intellectually formulated observation was the Inconvenient Truth that dare not speak its name.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 7th
2017.

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Pan Goatee’s Horribly Bad Day

June 5, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was having a horribly bad day.

In fact the first few days of June had been horribly bad days.

What was it about the first few days of the month that always brought the ugly women out into the streets?

Pay day perhaps? A little voice whispered to him.

What? Do they get paid for being ugly? Pan Goatee answered the little voice, No wonder Western civilization is going down hill.

He actually had to find an astral laser machete carver to polish his astral laser machete because he had put it in so much use the past few days lopping off all the heads of the ugly looking women who dared to cross his path.

Do you know how hard it is to find an astral laser machete carver? he asked a homeless person he saw on the streets.

“Pretty hard, I imagine,” the homeless person answered.

“It is, indeed,” Pan Goatee boarded the commuter train.

The train was once again taking longer than usual at one particular stop.

“What is it with the asshole who drives this train?” Pan Goatee asked angrily, “why does he always take longer at this one particular stop? What does he do here anyways? Is this his favourite stop for stopping and masturbating or something?”.

In fact, the asshole who was driving the train was taking so long at this one particular stop that a fat ugly woman boarded the train at the far end and waddled her way down to a couple of seats from him.

“Oh Zeus, I can’t believe it,” Pan Goatee shouted, “you fat ugly bitch, stay where you are when you board the train. Don’t waddle your way down to my end. You’ve thoroughly ruined my day by having your fatness and your ugliness in my immediate presence.”

Pan Goatee took out his freshly carved and polished laser machete and cut off the fat ugly bitch’s head.

“Hey mac, that’s no way to treat a lady,” one irate construction worker shouted at him.

“For your information, ye of little IQ,” Pan Goatee approached the man, “that was no lady. She was a fat ugly blimp blotting out the sun and ruining the landscape.”

A moment later and the construction worker’s head was lopped off.

“You need glasses,” commented Pan Goatee, “as well as a new head on your shoulders.”

Pan Goatee then got off the train on to the platform and walked down to the front where the driver was located.

“I want to see what this asshole is doing,” said Pan.

Pan walked into the driver’s cubicle and sure enough the guy was sitting there masturbating.

“You disgusting filthy little pervert,” Pan admonished.”How can you possibly sit there and masturbate in a city which seems to be filled with ugly looking women? There’s absolutely no excuse for your lewd filthy behaviour.”

And with that, Pan Goatee lopped off the train driver’s head.

He then went to the library and sat at a public computer when an ugly looking woman sat next to him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“And to think,” Pan Goatee commented as he exited the library, “that my municipal taxes go towards paying for places like this.”

U.S. President Donald Trump watched the video that had been shown him of Pan Goatee’s killing spree today.

“Why,” his National Security adviser asked him, “Don’t you send Pan Goatee after Islamic State fighters?”.

Trump motioned for his National Security adviser to leave the room.

Hm, Trump reflected, Pan Goatee had been doing such an excellent job of killing ugly looking women. It seemed a pity to send the satyr serial killer after Islamic State fighters.

And so President Donald Trump wrestled with the question, who was the greater threat to the world? Ugly women? Or Islamic State militants?

He was up the entire night in the Oval Office wrestling with that question.

And by the next morning, he still didn’t have an answer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 5th
2017.

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Much Ado About The Orient Express

April 17, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

As Pan Goatee was about to board the train, he noticed a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman getting off in front of him.

She resembled a fat cow having a bad bovine face day.

Pan Goatee promptly took out his laser machete and cut her head off.

As he kicked the head off into the gutter and boarded the train, he thought about a movie he had watched a few nights earlier- Murder On The Orient Express set in the early 1930s.

Why Pan Goatee wondered, would anyone want to commit a murder on the Orient Express in those days?

They had no ugly women or very little at any rate back in the 1930s.

Not like this horrendous second decade of the 21st Century where ugly women were everywhere- at least in the Western world- trains, planes and automobiles.

Meanwhile in Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was celebrating his referendum win yesterday which gave greater powers to his Presidency paving the way to his becoming the new Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.

Erdogan was so happy that he thought the original Orient Express railway route between Paris and Istanbul should be revived again.

Meanwhile in London, dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was taking a British Conservative MP Agathor Christie a great nephew of Agatha Christie (author of Murder On The Orient Express) grocery shopping with her.

Sherrielock Holmes Grocery Shopping With Agathor Christie

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 17th
2017.

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Dashwood Forrest and Pan Goatee In Calgary

March 29, 2017 at 5:30 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“What a place totally devoid of culture,” Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde of the 21st Century said to his Undead butler and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked. He had only spent less than 24 hours in the city and he was already forgetting how to recite Irish ballads and poetry.

“I imagine if one were looking for culture and learning in Calgary, one would probably only find it among certain people living in homeless shelters in a city such as this,” Dashwood Forrest sipped on his chocolate milkshake.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie nodded, “and what extremely ugly women seem to live in this city. I’ve never seen such fat ugly looking specimens.”

Mulligan the Undead promptly died again as he looked out the window and saw the walking specimens of ghastly horror.

Mulligan’s last words before dying a second time were, “Genesis 6 would have never happened had the angels landed in Calgary instead of the Middle East. There would have been no rise of the Nephilim because the sons of God would not have found the daughters of men attractive.”

“Truer last words were never spoken, Mulligan,” Forrest acknowledged, “with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde’s last words spoken in his room, “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.” It’s amazing how unattractive interior decorating can lead to deaths of great geniuses. To say nothing of how unattractive exterior decorating can lead to the death of one’s valet.”

Dashwood Forrest thought of calling South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo on his mobile phone and get him to chant a spell to bring Mulligan back from the dead.

He thought he’d wait a while however until they had left Calgary.

Forrest was in a quandary however. Even though he was gay, the site of such repulsive ugly looking members of the opposite sex waddling around and fender bumping their broomsticks in public was enough to kill one’s libido faster than taking a cold shower in a U.S. Army barracks.

Forrest removed a classical ancient Greek olive oil lamp from his jacket pocket.

The lamp had been a gift from his good friend Ivanka Trump for favours rendered.

If he remembered his Arabian Nights folklore correctly, Aladdin used a magic lamp to summon a genie.

Maybe he could rub this lamp and summon a genie to bump off all these ugly women.

Dashwood Forrest rubbed the lamp.

Pan Goatee appeared.

“How the Hell did I get from an Orson Welles repertory film festival in Washington D.C. (where strangely enough I was the only one in the theatre) to a milk shake bar in what looks to be the city of Calgary- the city of gay cowboys- not surprising given the overall unattractiveness of the women here,” the genetically created satyr serial killer scratched his head.

“I do most humbly apologize, my good man,” Dashwood Forrest bowed, “or rather my good satyr, I was hoping to summon a genie but you’ll do. I was wondering if you could slay these ugly women for me.”

“Happy to oblige,” Pan Goatee took out his astrally projected laser machete and walked out the door where he proceeded to behead ugly women left, right and center.

Pan Goatee’s aesthetically oriented mercy killing actions led to Mulligan the Irish Zombie coming back from the dead.

“Why did we come to Calgary anyways?” Mulligan asked Dashwood Forrest.

“To see Lake Louise in the Blue Canadian Rockies to celebrate Dame Vera Lynn’s 100th Birthday earlier this month,” Dashwood Forrest explained.

“Then let’s go see Lake Louise and go,” Mulligan pleaded.

“An excellent idea,” Forrest said, “go outside and hail a taxi for us, will you?”.

As the Michael Jackson song Thriller played in the background on the old milkshake bar diner’s jukebox, Mulligan the Irish zombie ran outside and did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 29th
2017.

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