Pan Goatee Beheads Erroneous Notion of White Supremacy While Exorcist Recalls Demonically Possessed Nun

July 26, 2021 at 10:08 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again in the neighbourhood dollar store.

And there in the line-up was another repulsively ugly looking white woman.

There seemed to be a surplus of repulsively ugly looking white women wandering around the dollar store this past week.

What was up with that?

The Calgary Stampede was over.

Ugly looking white women should be back in the corral or the closet where they belong.

It was probably the influence of all these annoying pansies and fruits who go around celebrating Pride Week then Pride Month then Pride Year and now Pride Century, Pan Goatee reasoned.

Soon it will be Pride Millenium.

Instead of a 1000 Year Reich, it will be a 1000 Year Rainbow.

One guarded by Ernst Rohm and not Heimdall.

This ugly looking white woman had blue hair.

Pan Goatee blamed the preponderance of ugly white women in the city, in Alberta and in Canada as a whole on the influence of that odious western world political disease known as Critical Gender Theory radical Marxist feminism.

The abhorrent ideology turned any female who heavily imbibed its contents into a creature so repulsively ugly it caused even the Devil himself to vomit all over the place.

“My God but you’re ugly,” Pan Goatee quoted the John Cleese character of Basil Fawlty as he beheaded the ugly looking white women with blue hair, “You and others like you certainly rip a big hole into that erroneous theory of white supremacy. Any race that produces the likes of you certainly has nothing whatsoever to feel superior about. Hitler must have been insane.”

Goatee went on about Hitler’s insanity as he sliced the ugly white woman with blue hair into 999 trillion pieces, “Some individuals seem to be prone to all sorts of neuroses and psychoses. And I guess Hitler was obviously one of them.”

. . .

As most of the priests in Pope Francis’ Vatican were currently engaged in the Monday night gay sex orgy, the daughter of a Rome boarding house owner was wandering the halls and walls of the Vatican trying to find a priest who would come and administer the Last Rites to one of her mother’s lodgers an elderly priest and long retired exorcist.

The girl happened to run into one of the few heterosexual Vatican curia officials Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Cardinal.

Cardinal Salaman accompanied the girl to her mother’s boarding house and administered the Last Rites to the dying exorcist.

When he had finished administering the Last Rites, the old exorcist spoke.

“There was one exorcism I recall more vividly than all the rest,” said the exorcist, “it was a nun who was demonically possessed.”

“Go on,” the Cardinal nodded, “A nun who was demonically possessed…”

“She was demonically possessed by an entity that identified itself as the Spirit of Pachamama,” the exorcist continued.

“The Spirit of Pachamama?” Cardinal Salaman was astounded.

“Yes,” the exorcist answered, “The nun had become possessed while giving birth to a child. The child’s father, the nun had told her fellow nuns in the convent, was a bishop.”

“How long ago was this, Father?” The cardinal asked the exorcist.

“Many many years ago, Father,” the old exorcist replied.

“Did the child live?” Cardinal Salaman wanted to know.

“Yes, the child lived,” the exorcist nodded.

“How old would the child be now?” Salaman inquired.

The exorcist did not answer.

For he had gone to his reward.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 26th
2021.

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100 More Days Till Halloween…

July 23, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

“This is Jack Anderson at Terror 97 FM in London- the radio station that keeps you in stitches – a la style of Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s creation. This just in from Canada… Earlier today genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee slew two more ugly women in a Dollarama store in Calgary. And now here’s Air Supply singing their coming Halloween hit Two Less Ugly People In The World…”

. . .

There was a state of excitement prevailing in the Vatican among the city state’s wide assortment of Jesuit priests for word had come to pass that the demon Baphomet was going to address them at A Come As You Are convention in the Vatican Sauna Steam Bath House named Hyacinth Sizzles Apollo’s Swizzle Stick.

Meanwhile in the Papal Apartments, Pope Francis was consulting with one of his leading theological advisors Walter Cardinal Kasper.

“Your Unholiness,” Kasper addressed Bergoglio by his most appropriate title, “a group of flying saucer UFOs containing 6.66 feet tall T-Rex ET reptilians have landed within the walls of the Vatican.”

“What for?” Francis asked as he licked a Spartan Greek popsicle.

“We’re not sure,” Kasper answered.

. . .

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had been hiding inside a tomb in London’s Highgate Cemetery ever since British MP Renfield R. Renfield publicly called for the 10 Downing Street occupant’s assassination this past Wednesday.

The colourful and controversial MP had issued the assassination call after the Zombie Nosferatu Tory Prime Minister (whose forehead had been etched with the words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST in red felt ink) announced this past Wednesdy that he intended to introduce a vaccine passport in Britain next month.

Bishop Sean Manchester the traditionalist Old Catholic Church Bishop of Glastonbury and a leading exorcist was walking around the cemetery amidst reports that a vampire was once again haunting the cemetery for the first time in 51 years.

As Johnson sat inside the tomb with sweat on his forehead, the ghost of Karl Marx (looking well roasted) appeared alongside him and asked him, “How’s it going?”.

. . .

Yaldabaoth the Irish Leprechaun was in Highgate Cemetery eating cold mutton sandwiches and drinking Guinness beer.

He was listening to Terror 97 FM London on his old 1970s style transistor radio.

The radio was playing a commercial and a Halloween holiday jingle, “100 more days till Halloween… Silver Shamrock.”

A hand holding a silver shamrock suddenly appeared out of the ground near the old gravestone where Yaldabaoth was having his evening picnic totally freaking the wee leprechaun out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 23rd
2021.

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Pan Goatee Beheads One Nosy Bitch Plus Several Fat Ugly Blimps

July 22, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee lay in bed and counted the number of goat hairs on his legs.

“999 trillion,” Pan Goatee said when he had finished counting, “No wonder I’m obssessed with that number.”

He thought back to last night when he had encountered a fat ugly blimp in a Burger King restaurant.

“It’s a wonder there was any food left when you had finished ordering,” Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp as she attempted to carry out her massive take-out bag.

He cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Since there was no food left to order, he decided to go to a nearby drug store (that also sold groceries) to buy some reasonably priced cartons of cottage cheese.

Inside the drug store at the cashier, the one person ahead of him was some idiot who didn’t seem to know his ass from a hole in the ground (much like the current occupant of the Oval Office).

The jackass kept trying to recount the price of every item he had brought to the cashier’s till.

Suddenly the process was interrupted by some idiot phoning the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot on his mobile phone.

Pan Goatee sent his GPS tracking astral laser machete into action as the idiot at the till answered his mobile.

The astral machete moving at USS Enterprise warp speed went to the source of the call and immediately beheaded the airhead who had phoned the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot.

The machete then cut up the airhead into 999 trillion pieces.

It returned like a boomerang at warp speed to Pan Goatee.

“Oops, I forgot to give you my points card when I bought everything,” the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot suddenly announced to the cashier, “Let’s do it again, shall we?”.

That was the final straw for Pan Goatee.

He put down his box of straws on the counter, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot.

The idiot finally got a birds’ eye view of what his ass looked like (and how it differed from a hole in the ground) prior to Goatee cutting him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Then two ugly looking women, a think ugly looking stoat and a fat ugly blimp, then went out the exit as Goatee finally paid for his goods because he was held up by the idiot who didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Goatee then sent his astral laser machete after them beheading both repulsively ugly women.

The machete then cut both uglos up into 999 trillion pieces each.

The satyr was so offended by what transpired that he decided to exit out the entrance door rather than the exit door.

When he had finished counting the number of goat’s hairs on his legs, Goatee got out of bed.

He was to go to his pharmacist today to get his meds refilled (as someone who didn’t have a degree in psychiatry once noted, “Those meds Goatee takes don’t seem to do him much good”).

Goatee got on the bus and then got off several blocks away from his pharmacy.

Because of city road and sidewalk construction planned by the brainless idiots who worked in the City Engineering Department, bus stops were now 6 blocks apart prior to the 2 blocks apart they used to be designed in the days when city engineers didn’t take hallucinogenic drugs in their spare time.

Goatee walked through an apartment building parking lot.

He encountered a fat ugly blimp.

He beheaded her and then sliced her up into the appropriate OCD numerical ratio.

Then two fat ugly blimps holding hands approached him.

“Why am I not surprised that two fat ugly blimps such as yourself would turn out to be a pair of lesbian blowhards?” Goatee stated as he beheaded the two uglo lesbo blimpos, “I guess no man would want you. Even those with exceptionally bad taste in women like most of the men in this city.”

The machete then sliced up the blimpo bodies into 999 trillion pieces each leaving a blood splattered less than proud Pride rainbow.

Goatee then walked several more blocks.

He noticed a woman with a constipated looking expression on her face out walking a giant sheepdog across the street.

The woman with the giant looking sheepdog then crossed the street and started following Pan Goatee.

“Why are you wearing boots in the middle of summer?” The nosy bitch asked.

“None of your fucking business, Ms. Nosy It’s Almost Brown,” Goatee shouted back before throwing his machete and beheading the overly inquisitive inquisitor.

Last summer people were complaining when he wore Bermuda shorts and showed off his hairy goats’ legs.

Now they’re complaining when he wore long boots.

“Make up your minds, morons,” Goatee expressed himself as his machete cut up the nosy bitch into 999 trillion pieces.

The machete then gave the giant sheepdog a much needed haircut and returned to Pan.

Pan picked up his meds and then walked 8 blocks to catch a bus that would go back in the direction of home.

As he raced across the street to catch a bus (which turned out in the end not to be the bus number he wanted) a repulsively fat ugly blimp got off the bus.

“Unholy crap,” Goatee cursed at the repulsively ugly blimpo, “Don’t you fat ugly blimps know that Stampede Week is over. Get back in the Not OK Corral where you belong.”

Goatee then beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Hi Pan, how are the meds working?” His psychiatrist happened to drive by in a red sports car.

“Just fine, thanks, doc,” Goatee waved at him.

The next bus that came along was the one that Pan wanted.

Later that evening, Pan walked to the neighbourhood Dollar store.

While walking through the aisles, he encountered yet another fat ugly blimp.

He beheaded the repulsively ugly looking creature and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Gees, I almost feel tempted to detonate a neutron bomb in this city,” Goatee announced in an exasperated voice.

Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping felt the same way after watching a documentary on the Calgary Stampede.

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee would like to send a Hello and a shout out to those individuals who cycle alongside deer.
As Pan notes, “It’s so much more intelligent than cycling alongside fat ugly blimps.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 22nd
2021.

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade: Beheading More Fat Ugly Blimps

July 18, 2021 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

“Why didn’t you kiss the waiter at that hotel?”

-Edward Carson, lawyer for the Marquess of Queensbury at Oscar Wilde’s first trial while cross-examining Oscar Wilde.

“Because he was too ugly.”

-Oscar Wilde under cross-examination in answer to Carson’s question at his first trial.

If Oscar Wilde was going through the DC part of his AC/DC “this door swings both ways” personality and he was alive and well and living in Calgary, Alberta, Canada today, he would not be kissing too many women as many of the women of Calgary were all quite repulsively ugly.

Many of them fat ugly blimps.

As it was, it was genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) who had the misfortune of living in Calgary who was forced to come face-to-face with these repulsively ugly hideous looking abominations.

Today as Goatee was walking to his neighbourhood shopping center and standing at a four corner intersection, he noticed a hideously fat ugly blimp standing on the other side of the intersection.

As Goatee barfed all over the place sending several motor vehicles plunging downstream to the nearby Trans-Canada Highway (closing it for several hours), he finally managed to regain his composure.

“It’s a good thing my astral laser machete acts as a boomerang,” Goatee said aloud.

He sent his astral laser machete flying across the street whereupon it promptly lopped off the fat ugly blimpo’s head.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Robespierre standing at that intersection.

The machete then returned to Pan Goatee.

The uglocidally inclined satyr then sent the machete back again whereupon it promptly cut up the fat blimpy uglo’s body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of King Henry VIII as he ate a ghostly spectral 32 ounce steak.

A couple of hours later, Pan Goatee was on his way back home from another neighbourhood shopping centre.

As he crossed the street and turned in the direction of his house, he was horrified to see a fat ugly blimp coming right at him.

The fat ugly blimp waved at him.

“What makes you think I’d wave back at someone as fat and ugly as you are?” Goatee commented as he lopped off the fat ugly blimp’s head and kicked it down a nearby sewer.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Louis Antoine de Saint-Just as he stood across the street.

Goatee then cut up the fat ugly blimp’s hideously fat ugly body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the curator of the Jack the Ripper Museum as he stood eating a hot fudge sundae at the corner.

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee:
Ridding the world of fat ugly blimps one fat ugly cow at a time.
They particularly crawl and waddle out of the woodwork during Calgary Stampede week.

. . .

Zeus (speaking to his wife Hera on Mount Olympus): I hope Pan Goatee is able to successfully bump off all the ugly women in Canada soon. I haven’t been able to visit Canada in ages.

Hera: May I remind you that the gods and goddesses of Olympus are still pissed off at Pan Goatee for lopping off the head of the goddess Hecate when she was in her ugly crone form.

Zeus: Oh, that’s right. Where was Hecate’s head buried again?

Hera: Under the central High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome on Pope Francis’ orders several years ago.

. . .

Pope Francis was talking to one of his advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper.

“Have you read the reports coming in from the Diocese of Calgary on all the ugly women being beheaded in that diocese?” Cardinal Kasper asked.

“Am I expected to apologize for that as well as what went on in the Church run Indian residential schools in Canada?” The snarky sounding Pope Francis harrumphed.

“Of course not,” Cardinal Kasper answered as he swatted away Casper the Friendly Ghost, “Although it’s interesting to note that Pan Goatee was released upon the world the same day as you were elected Pope.”

“But I’ve only had good looking athletic looking priests in their early 40s as my papal secretaries and when they get too old and unattractive, I dump them in the same way Donald Trump dumps his ex-wives,” Pope Francis protested.

“Well how about that for a coincidence?” Stated the ghost of late 19th Century British barrister Edward Carson.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 18th
2021.

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Pan Goatee Celebrates The Day After Bastille Day 2021 By Beheadings

July 15, 2021 at 10:44 pm (Aesthetics) ()

It was the day after Bastille Day 2021 and Pan Goatee walked into a pharmacy to see if they had any specials.

They didn’t.

They did however had a fat ugly blimp working whom Pan Goatee promptly beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces with his laser machete.

He then went next door to the Dollarama store where they had another fat ugly blimp working.

He did the same to her.

As he walked through the parking lot, he encountered various fat ugly blimps whom he also beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces.

He went into a grocery store and encountered another fat ugly blimp.

Off with her head!

Slice into 999 trillion pieces!

“It must be because it’s the day after Bastille Day that I’m having to do so many beheadings,” Goatee deduced as he looked at the date on his watch July 15th 2021.

The genetically created satyr serial killer then went into a Vietnamese restaurant where he ordered the beef salad spring rolls.

He ate them, paid the bill and left.

“Did you behead anybody in there?” A member of the tabloid press asked him.

“No, fortunately for them, they didn’t have any ugly people in there,” Goatee answered, “Now that I think about it, most of the fat ugly blimps in this city and particularly in this neighbourhood are all white. It shoots a very big hole into the BLM Marxist fallacy and Critical Race Theory Marxist propaganda bullshit where they’re all yacking away about “white privilege”. A race that has that many ugly women living in this city and this neighbourhood definitely isn’t privileged.”

“May I quote you on that?” The tabloid newsman whipped out a pencil and notebook.

“Of course,” Pan Goatee nodded.

At a traffic intersection, Goatee noticed a fat ugly blimp with pink hair crossing the street.

“Pink hair doesn’t make you look more beautiful,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the blimp (pink hair and all) and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Why 999 trillion?” The tabloid newsman asked as he caught up with the satyr.

“I have an obsessive compulsive disorder about the number,” Goatee answered.

And that was how Pan Goatee celebrated the day after Bastille Day 2021.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 15th
2021.

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Pan Goatee To Command U.S. Aircraft Carrier Gerald R. Ford?

June 22, 2021 at 10:40 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

U.S. President Joe Biden was sniffing the prickly needles on his cannabis pot smoking cactus plant Sweet Dementia.

“Mr. President, the aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford survived a “full ship shock trial explosion” that registered as a 3.9 magnitude earthquake about 161 kilometres off the coast of Florida,” one of his aides said.

“Is that a good thing?” Biden patted the head of his recently deceased 13-year-old German shepherd Champ who had just been stuffed by a Washington DC taxidermist.

“It is,” his aide nodded, “Oh, and another thing…”

“Champ no longer seems to hump my leg as often as he used to,” Biden noted.

“No, that’s not it, Mr. President,” his aide shook his head, “And besides it was vice-versa. No, this has to do with DARPA…”

“DARPA?” Biden was trying to recall the acronym.

“Yes, a DARPA telepathic psychic research team after staring at photos of goats and then staring at photos of Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi (they were more sexually aroused by the goats) has come up with the conclusion that genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee should be put in command of the USS Gerald R. Ford,” his aide pointed out.

“Okay,” Biden started sniffing Champ’s fur.

. . .

Meanwhile U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris was having a discussion with one of her aides.

“I think when Joe goes,” Kamala stated, “we should get the taxidermist who stuffed Champ to stuff Joe. And we can carry on this puppet regime. The American people shouldn’t be able to spot any difference between a stuffed dead Joe and the current vegetative one.”

. . .

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) entered a store.

To his horror, he saw an ugly looking woman working as the cashier.

He beheaded the uglo with his astral laser machete and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Well so much for the thought of buying a lottery ticket,” Goatee commented, “No good luck in the air here tonight.”

He exited the store and then continued walking along the strip mall.

He walked past a Subway store.

“I should go in and buy a submarine sandwich,” Goatee thought.

Fortunately for Goatee (and for the clerk as well) the employee working in the store wasn’t ugly so Goatee bought a submarine sandwich.

He sat at some outside tables and ate his sandwich.

Goatee had just finished eating his sandwich when a really repulsive ugly looking woman walked by pushing a baby stroller.

“Egad! What an uglo! And pushing a baby stroller! Who the Hell would want to fuck that!” Goatee wondered aloud, “Possibly someone under the influence of alcohol according to the ramblings of a woke brain dead zombie who imagines seeing a Q-Anon conspirator under every bed.”

Goatee beheaded the hideous repulsive looking uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He then beheaded the kid as well because according to the genetics textbook he read last night, ugly looking kids usually have ugly parents.

He contined walking around the strip mall until he passed a coffee shop.

He thought he’d stop in and order an iced cappucino since it was an extremely hot night.

However unfortunately for Pan, a fat ugly blimp was working as the cashier.

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

As he left the coffee shop, a pair of clean cut youths wearing white shirts, black dress pants and black ties came up to him, “Have you heard the good news to be found in the Book of Mormon as preached by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?”.

“No, I haven’t,” Goatee shook his head, “And I don’t have time. Why don’t you go into that coffee shop there and preach the good news of the Book of Mormon to whoever you find in that coffee shop.”

The two young missionaries entered the coffee shop and soiled their magical mystical underwear when they discovered what lay on the floor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 22nd
2021.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask

April 30, 2021 at 10:24 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing past time was killing ugly looking women- an aesthetic environmentally protecting endeavour that didn’t even rate an honourable mention in Pope Francis’ 2015 encyclical on the environment Laudato Si) was walking down a back alley.

A couple of under-aged “yutes” (the name Brooklyn lawyer Vinny had for “youths” in the courtroom in the 1992 movie My Cousin Vinny) asked Pan Goatee if he’d go in and buy them a bottle of booze in a nearby liquor store for which they’d pay him since they couldn’t buy liquor themselves being under age.

Goatee told them “No.”

He wished Sherrielock Holmes had been in the vicinity to thoroughly tomato their under-aged bottoms.

Such delinquents would undoubtedly grow up to become Members of Parliament or if they lived in the U.S., members of Congress.

As he walked down the alleyway behind the building he noticed a single car parked there which he found very suspicious.

The driver’s window was open.

Sitting there in the driver’s seat was a pathetically ugly, repulsive and absolutely hideous fat ugly blimp who was of course wearing a face mask as a symbol of loyalty and fealty to the global Coviet Union.

But the mask did little to protect the viewer from the sheer ugliness and hideousness of her fat ugly blimpiness.

“You fat ugly cow,” Goatee said to the blimp behind the mask, “This is the reason I hate spring so. All you fat ugly blimps come waddling out from under the woodwork. Ruining everybody’s day in what should be welcoming the advent of spring.”

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Blimp eating nanites from Hell then came and ate the fat ugly blimp.

The two “yutes” who had found a sucker to buy booze for them and had retreated to the back alley to start drinking it swore off liquor for the rest of their lives when the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head landed on one of the “yutes” laps.

The two yutes beat a hasty retreat before the nanites arrived to eat the fat ugly blimp’s head.

The nanites then drank the two yutes’ bottles of liquor left behind.

. . .

A U.S. Air Force officer was walking around the Air Force base near Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Suddenly he noticed a round saucer shaped object (what people usually call a UFO) descending on to the base.

The top part of the saucer opened and out stepped six t-rexes about 6 foot 6 in height (so considerably shorter than the average height Tyrannosaurus Rex of the Cretaceous period in prehistoric times).

The t-rex with the biggest and most ferocious head ate the Air Force officer.

Then that t-rex spoke in a language not known by Google Translate words to this effect, “All right find where the strategic missiles are located and you know what to do from there.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 30th
2021.

Permalink 9 Comments

Pan Goatee’s Horrible Day of Spring

April 29, 2021 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing hobby was killing ugly looking women) had recently moved to a new neighbourhood.

So far he hadn’t seen any ugly looking women in the neighbourhood which was good.

And he especially hadn’t seen that most obnoxious creature of all- the fat ugly blimp.

But Pan Goatee’s luck was about to run out.

Goatee was approaching the neighbourhood’s central street from the west.

He was approaching a three way intersection.

Some weirdo (who looked like he had crawled out of a 1960s movie about psychedelics using beach bums) heading south was sitting on a huge bicycle with a long wide minature carriage in tow behind him and hogging up the entire sidewalk.

The weirdo was waiting for the light to change.

Goatee couldn’t get by him to head north because the bum and his contraption were hogging up the entire sidewalk.

“You’re hogging up the entire sidewalk,” Goatee pointed out as he removed his astral laser machete from his belt and beheaded the inconsiderate asshole.

He then threw the psychedelics using beach bum and his head and body and bicycle and towed carriage into a passing garbage truck with the logo MIKE’S FAST AND EASY GARBAGE REMOVAL.

“Thanks, Mike,” Goatee shouted after the truck.

The satyr then head north where he walked to the neighbourhood shopping mall.

He entered a drug store.

Now so far in the time he had been in this neighbourhood they had had only beautiful looking women working as clerks in the drug store.

Tonight however they had a fat ugly blimp working at the cash till.

Even though she was wearing a mask (as mandated by the Coviet Union following local city council), one could still tell that the repulsive looking creature was a fat ugly blimp.

The blimp behind the mask (a terrifying 2021 dystopian version of that old 1936 British mystery film The Man Behind The Mask).

A very long haired and long bearded man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer bought a whole bunch of lottery tickets from the blimp behind the mask.

Goatee decided not to purchase anything from the store on this particular evening.

The fat ugly blimp behind the mask had finished the lottery ticket purchase for the outlaw biker drug dealer and was emerging from behind the cash till trying to walk in front of Pan Goatee.

“I’m afraid even wearing a mask doesn’t hide the ugliness of your fat ugly blimp face,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his machete.

A group of blimp eating nanites from Hell then arrived on the scene to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head and body.

Goatee then headed to the Dollarama Store next door.

Where fortunately for Pan, the clerk in that store was a beautiful looking woman.

So Goatee bought a couple of bottles of Pepsi and exited the store.

As he walked outside, he noticed the man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer standing there alongside an expensive looking sports car with the car door open and standing there counting his lottery tickets.

“If you look like an outlaw biker drug dealer, gamble like an outlaw biker drug dealer, and own an expensive sports car like an outlaw biker drug dealer, chances are you’re an outlaw biker drug dealer,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the man, “we can’t have trash like you cluttering up the neighbourhood.”

Goatee then started to walk home.

He came to the three way intersection where he had beheaded the psychedelics using beach bum inconsiderate asshole earlier.

At that intersection on the west side of the street was a small grocery store, a Fish and Chips restaurant that charged outrageously high prices for Fish and Chips (so Goatee never ate there), a liquor store and a closed Asian massage parlour.

Unlike Gavin Newsom’s California or Atlanta Georgia (where homicidally inclined sex addicts are called “racists”), sex trafficking gang owned Asian massage parlours were not allowed to open in these Coviet Union Covid times in this city.

On the lawn in front of the tiny four store complex were 3 picnic tables.

Since the province’s fat slob Fascist Premier had once again closed in-door dining in restaurants (on orders of the province’s ugly female health “expert” well versed in the dynamics of the global Coviet Union seeking to turn Earth into one vast prison house) but allowed outdoor dining, the “charge an arm and a leg for expensive and undoubtedly lousy fish and chips restaurant” had set up three picnic tables on the lawn thinking this qualified as “outdoor dining”.

A couple who looked like honest bikers sat there at one picnic table eating what looked to be the smallest order of fish and chips (because that was the cheapest) with their motorcycles parked behind them.

At another picnic table, another fat ugly blimp behind a mask (with obviously more money than brains) sat gazing down at her massive six plate order of fish and chips looking confused and somewhat dumbfounded.

No doubt this fat ugly blimp behind the mask is wondering how she can eat those expensive six plates of fish and chips with her mask on, Goatee thought to himself.

Goatee took out his astral laser machette and approached her, “You know wearing a mask doesn’t help. You still look like a fat ugly blimp even behind the mask. You’re the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this evening. Which makes you the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this month. Inconsiderate fat ugly blimps such as yourself have to go and make T.S. Eliot’s quote “April is the cruelest month” right. I would have preferred it if for once Eliot had turned out to be wrong. But no you fat ugly blimps who have probably never heard of T.S. Eliot have to go and make Eliot right.”

Goatee then beheaded this second fat ugly blimp behind the mask.

Once again blimp eating nanites from Hell arrived to eat Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask #2’s head and body.

And the expensive fish and chips on the picnic table remained uneaten.

For there was no airheaded fat ugly blimp behind the mask alive to eat them.

Assuming of course she had figured out that she should really take off her mask to eat them.

All of those uneaten fish and chips were testament to one vast desolate wasteland.

The kind of which that T.S. Eliot used to write about.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 29th
2021

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The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat In Washington DC

January 27, 2021 at 11:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was out shoveling the sidewalks in front of the house where he rented a room because it had snowed overnight.

“Just wait until I get my hands on those bloody frost giants of the old Norse pantheon,” Pan Goatee seethed, “They won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

The satyr pushed some more snow away.

“Just wait until I get my hands on Loki the Norse trickster god,” Goatee vowed, “He won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

Just then to Pan Goatee’s horror, a repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp came walking down the sidewalk.

She was walking down the sidewalk walking her dog.

“Bloody Hell,” Goatee noted, “That’s all I need to ruin my day is having to look at some fat ugly blimp. A two-legged dog (who are all ugly) out walking her four legged dog (who are generally cute).”

“Well, it would look pretty stupid the other way around,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse remarked as he clomped by dragging an old milk wagon behind him, “If it was a four legged dog out walking a two legged dog.”

Mr. Ed stopped in front of a house down the street as Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman reached for a couple of jugs of fresh milk.

“Shit, the milk has frozen!” Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman called out.

“Well, I told you not to deliver milk in a milk wagon in the middle of a snowstorm,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse pointed out as he smoked his Cuban cigar, “But did you listen? NO! What do I know you probably figured? I’m just a horse! Even though I won first prize in a Latin poetry writing competition a couple of years ago. Beating out 2018 humans I might add.”

Meanwhile Pan Goatee had by this time beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“And not only are you fat and ugly,” Goatee gave his aesthetic adjudication, “but you’re guilty of cruelty to animals as well. How do you think this poor dog feels having to walk around the neighbourhood with a fat ugly blimp such as yourself?”.

Indeed the dog was already running down the street enjoying his new found glorious freedom.

Krampus the goat demon hybrid arrived on the scene to gather up the 999 trillion pieces of the fat ugly blimp, put them in his sack and carry them down to Hades.

After crossing the River Styx, Cerberus the 3-headed dog peed and crapped all over the fat ugly blimp’s remains when he heard about her gargantuan cruelty to animals.

Meanwhile Loki the Norse trickster god made the mistake of walking by Pan Goatee.

Loki immediately found himself being beheaded by Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete.

“I hate it when that happens,” Loki’s head remarked as it rolled down the street.

. . .

“I see priests in the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington DC are lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate a bagel, “I wonder why they’re lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession?”.

“Beelzebub knows,” Uncle Ernie remarked as he fed a spoonful of crack cocaine to an Australian house fly, “Several Catholic priests in this diocese are trying to talk me into converting from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism for some reason.”

“That’s strange,” Amadeus admitted.

“It is,” Uncle Ernie nodded, “It probably means I’ll have to reglue my foreskin to my Jolly Roger if I want to covert from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism.”

Uncle Ernie held up the small glass bottle that had once been used to store a plastic contact lens but which was now home to Uncle Ernie’s foreskin which had been separated on and off from Uncle Ernie’s Jolly Roger all these many years.

“I wonder if that’s what the Canadian folk music band Captain Tractor meant by their song lyrics… When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores?,” Amadeus mused aloud.

“I don’t remember Regina,” Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie reflected on his past trips to Canada and Saskatchewan in particular, “I do remember I got my Jolly Roger caught in Moose Jaw down in the Al Capone Prohibition Booze era tunnels.”

. . .

“As we all know, Donald Trump incited an erection.”
-New York Sen. Chuck Schumer
coming out of the closet
on the U.S. Senate floor

. . .

A Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat was walking the streets of Washington DC.

The metal rat built by Havana Cuba based sanity challenged scientist Dr. Ja Oui Khan for Huawei Technologies of China had the skull of a demon buffalo put on its head by the Norse trickster god Loki prior to South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo restoring the skull to life turning it into a full fledged Demon Buffalo Head.

Ironically enough, Loki’s head was now missing from his body.

The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat had been given the ability to detect and analyze thoughts.

It could tell those people who thought like Communists from those who didn’t think like Communists.

Those people who didn’t think like Communists the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat gored to death with his demon buffalo horns.

The CEOs of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Google as well as the CEO of United Airlines were all safe from death at the horns of the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat.

As were all the editors and reporters at the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, BBC, Global News Canada and Fox News.

To say nothing of the entire Democratic Congressional and Senate caucuses and 2/3 of the Republican Congressional and Senate caucuses.

As well as all the members of the Biden-Harris Administration.

“I failed, I failed,” the ghost of Sen. Joe McCarthy sobbed as he walked down the streets of Washington DC.

“Wow, that really blows my mind,” Hunter Biden commented as he sat at the gates of the White House smoking a pipe of crack cocaine.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 27th
2021

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Pan Goatee Beheads Again and Mordred Returns

January 20, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee figured that with Joe Biden’s Inauguration today, there would be lots of satanic activity and examples of incredibly bad taste going on.

And not just among the airheaded American film and music industry celebrities gathered in Washington DC or in some online based virtual reality of Mephistophelian making.

But in his little corner of the world as well.

Sadly for Goatee, this proved to be true.

Following Biden’s appointment of the hideously repulsively ugly Rachel Levine as Assistant Secretary of Health (foreshadowing a disaster for the American health care system of Stephen King Cujoian proportions), Goatee figured that fat ugly blimps would be coming out of the closet en masse.

More so than usual that is.

As fat ugly blimps had been coming out of the closet en masse ever since the advent of feminism in the Western world 50 years ago.

And had been growing worse with each passing decade.

Now with the senile old fool Joe Biden as President, fat ugly blimps would be trying to fit into their size 1500 waist waste trousers (with exceedingly great difficulty) and exiting the closet (each closet being about the size of the San Diego Zoo).

When Goatee approached the neighbourhood liquor store, he was shocked to see a fat ugly blimp inside the liquor store.

After barfing all over the place causing a minature flood in the shopping centre parking lot as a result of seeing the fat ugly blimp, Goatee then removed his astral laser machete from his astral laser holster and beheaded the fat ugly blimp before cutting her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee wondered as he calmly wiped the blood off his machete if he had some sort of obsession with the number 999 trillion in the same way that the Serbian/American scientist/inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsession with the number 3.

Not feeling inclined to enter the liquor store after its environment had been aesthetically polluted by the presence of the fat ugly blimp, Goatee went into the grocery store where he was confronted by the sight of an even more hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp.

Goatee stuck his head out the door and barfed all over the parking lot again.

Adding flood upon flood.

So much so that a person living in a house across the street started building himself an ark.

Goatee then turned back and cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head remarking, “Why can’t you fat ugly blimps just email Joe Biden your resumes instead of handing out your mirror shattering resumes in public?”.

He then cut the fat ugly blimp up into 999 trillion pieces.

After wiping the blood off his laser astral machete for the 2nd time within a space of 5 minutes, Goatee thought maybe he really did have an obsession with the number 999 trillion.

He should ask his psychiatrist the next time he saw him.

. . .

Inside the Duke of Tintagel Pub in Cornwall England, a man recently raised from the dead stood at the bar waiting to place his drink order.

The man was Mordred son of Arthur and Arthur’s half-sister Morgause (although Arthur did not know that Morgause was his half-sister when he banged her).

Mordred was also the man who slew King Arthur at the Battle of Camlann.

Although Mordred also succumbed to his own wounds at the hand of Excalibur and kicked the bucket shortly thereafter.

“Damn inconsiderate of him,” one of the horses at the Battle of Camlann thought to himself after Mordred knocked over a bucket of water with his left foot while giving up the ghost.

Mordred had been buried in an unmarked grave not far from the battle while Arthur’s body was carried across in a barge filled with beautiful women over to the Isle of Avalon.

Mordred’s body, although buried in an unmarked grave, was discovered through remote viewing after yet another DARPA Staring At Goats session.

The Director of U.S. Homeland Security had ordered that Mordred be brought back from the dead as this would fit in with the purposes of the Neo-Bolshevik Deep State.

So South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo was brought in to raise Mordred the slayer of Arthur from the dead.

When Mordred was successfully brought back from the dead and sucessfully recomposed (after having been successfully decomposing for centuries), Dr. Sterling Makabo remarked to the Homeland Security agents and DARPA operatives present, “I’m a lot funnier than that pompous verbose windbag Trevor Noah. So why can’t I have my own late night comedy show?”.

He poured some hydrogen peroxide on his hands to get rid of the worms of death that had attached themselves to Mordred’s skeleton.

“Should Trevor Noah ever die of massive boredom after being forced to watch re-runs of his alleged comedy show, we’ll let the show’s producers know that you should be kept in mind,” the Homeland Security agent remarked as DARPA operative Jefferey the otter (who had been busy catching fish in the nearby mist-filled lake of Avalon) joined him.

Now Jefferey the otter was sitting on top of a table in the Duke of Tintagel Pub drinking barrels of Green Minnow Beer as he blissfully barked out the melody of Roll Out The Barrel.

The recently raised from the dead Mordred was having a little less luck getting a drink standing up at the bar.

“Please,” Mordred cried out as a falcon possessed by the spirit of the Egyptian god Horus perched atop his shoulder, “I need a drink. I haven’t had a drink in ages.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th
2021.

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