Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

May 17, 2018 at 9:53 pm (Aesthetics, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee left the department store where he had gone to take a piss (or “rather to leave one” as he often told people).

He was headed for the Public Transit train 🚊 station platform next to the shopping mall.

He had his astral machete at the ready in case there was a vast array of fat ugly blimps on the platform like there was a couple of days ago.

The spectacle of landscape blemishing blimps had caused havoc for several deities who had made the mistake of visiting this city in the spring when the human cows come out of hibernation.

Both Zeus and Shiva had gone blind and were now awaiting divine laser eyesight restoration treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s optometry laboratory at Set Enterprises in London.

The Norse god Odin had wisely put a patch over his good eye on the platform but this caused him to stumble and he fell and hit his head.

The blow on the head had caused him to have a momentary drop in IQ.

On the other hand if the drop in IQ turned out to be permanent, he was rumoured to be named to a cabinet position in Donald Trump’s cabinet (which given the length of longevity in serving in the Trump White House in any position, that could be any one trillionth of a nanosecond now).

As Pan Goatee walked across the parking lot, he saw a beautiful Indian woman just ahead of him.

The serial killing former musician for the classical baroque and heavy metal playing rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers happily started singing and composing a song on the spot, “Won’t you please play Bolly on my wood?”.

She sadly got into a car and before you know it poor Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a white fat ugly blimp approaching him.

“What an abomination of desolation,” Pan Goatee expressed himself in Biblical terms, “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city who think that whites are the master race.”

Pan Goatee promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head.

He was so angry by the sudden advent of sheer unblessed ugliness to his sight, he used his astral machete to laserly dissect and cut up the blimp of a woman into a trillion x a trillion tiny pieces making any form of identification impossible and forever rendering impossible the breaking of the infinitely happy news to next of kin.

Meanwhile in Oslo Norway 🇳🇴, a new Nobel committee had been formed.

The committee was meeting to award the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The Swedish member of the Committee was speaking.

He had recently returned to Scandinavia totally shell shocked after having made the mistake of visiting a certain city in Western Canada in the springtime.

He had stopped over in London prior to his return to Oslo to receive emergency treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laser optometry lab.

The Swedish member suggested that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee receive the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The remark did not go over so well with the sole non-Scandinavian female fat ugly blimp member of the committee (who wore a gigantic paper bag over her head on the Committee Chairman’s orders).

Which reminds one of that old joke:

Question: Why are Scandinavian women all so beautiful 😍?

Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 17th


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Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

May 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

Even Pan Goatee was surprised by the number of fat ugly blimps that stood on the public transit train 🚊 platform today.

How the transit platform stopped from collapsing under all that enormous weight really amazed Pan Goatee.

Whoever designed it certainly deserved to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Talk about squaring the circle and then some.

Already numerous heterosexual males with good taste on the platform were keeling over from severe cardiac arrest.

I’m sure if they had their choice, they’d much prefer to leave this world like some elderly rabbis and elderly American Baptist ministers did at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem yesterday when the Egyptian vampiress Isis arrived at the ceremony in a see-through dress, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

They died from cardiac arrest certainly but at least they died happy.

Unlike these poor snooks who left this world with severe expressions of sheer terror on their face.

The Greek god Zeus cried, “I’m blind, I’m blind.”

The Norse god Odin put his eye patch over his good eye and stumbled around on the platform.

The Hindu god Shiva likewise talked about blindness (in the same hysterical manner that a schoolboy’s mother does when she catches her son doing something in the bathroom).

Poor Shiva likewise went blind from the grievous sight.

Pan Goatee pulled out his astral machete and began beheading the fat ugly blimps with great and sudden fury (like Donald Trump did when told that North Korea 🇰🇵 might cancel the peace summit because of John Bolton’s stupidity).

Pan Goatee was soon joined by the Hindu goddess Kali who used her 4 arms and hands and her sharp swords ⚔️ to likewise behead the heads of the vastly overweight landlocked leviathans.

Within minutes the platform was cleared.

Dumbledore’s ghost told Professor McGonagall, “To prevent recurring nightmares in our students, we better not put a Platform 9 3/4 at this station.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 15th

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Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th

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Pan Goatee’s Dorian Gray Friday

March 30, 2018 at 9:45 pm (Aesthetics, Entertainment, Literature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee’s Dorian Gray Friday

Pan Goatee was not having a good Friday.

It seemed everywhere he turned, there was an ugly looking woman present.

He sat next to a beautiful looking woman on a commuter train and an ugly looking woman sat across from him.

He immediately decapitated the ugly looking woman with his astral laser machete.

From the look the beautiful looking woman gave him, he decided it might not be a good thing to ask her out on a date tonight like he was planning to do.

Damn how these ugly looking women always showed up to spoil any potential romantic encounters he might have.

These hideous daughters of Hecate had absolutely no consideration for others.

He took a seat further down the commuter train.

Another ugly looking woman boarded the commuter train at another station.

Pan Goatee immediately decapitated her.

“Nothing like frightening any potential tourists this city might have,” Pan Goatee said as he kicked the head down the aisle.

He then got off at the downtown station where he went to a Subway restaurant and was in the process of ordering a submarine sandwich when an ugly looking woman went up to the counter and asked for a packet of pepper.

“You ugly looking bitch,” Pan Goatee told off the obviously failed toad-human hybrid experiment, “why didn’t you remember to ask for pepper when you were first up here. Now you’ve thoroughly ruined my day by me having to look at your ugly looking face.”

Pan Goatee once again decapitated this particular failed degenerate abortion.

He then kicked the head down the floor, “There stick that in your pepper pipe and smoke it, bitch.”

A junkie smoking cracked cocaine at a table (and ignoring the place’s No Smoking 🚭 signs) said, “Wow, man. What’s your favourite work by Oscar Wilde?”.

“The Picture of Dorian Gray,” Pan replied.

“I thought it was Edgar Allan Poe who wrote that,” the man blinked like a neon sign on steroids.

“No, it was Wilde,” Goatee answered.

“Yeah, it must have been Wilde,” the man stared into space, “Really wild. What about the guy who wrote that poem about the ancient mariner who had that albatross around his neck that kept crying “Nevermore” when Pallas Athena knocked on Kublai Khan’s chamber door this other side of Xanadu because Donald Trump a wall he did decree.”

But Goatee like Elvis had already left the building.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 30th

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Donald Trump Hears of Dr. Faustus Imhotep

March 29, 2018 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Technology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump Hears of Dr. Faustus Imhotep

“Who’s the leading scientist at DARPA?” Donald Trump asked one of his leading advisors.

“That would be Dr. Faustus Imhotep,” his advisor replied.

“Dr. Faustus Imhotep?” Trump’s hair stood on end, “That’s an unusual name.”

“He’s a German Egyptian,” his advisor replied.

“A German Egyptian?” Trump pasted his hair back down with hair gel, “He isn’t a Muslim is he?”.

“I believe he’s a worshipper of the coming AI god whom he calls Diablotron,” his advisor answered.

“Diablotron?” Trump’s hair stood on end again, “I’ve never heard of him.”

“He’s the god of the future Singularity according to Dr. Faustus Imhotep,” his advisor said.

“What’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep a doctor of?” Trump asked, “The reason I ask is I’ve had this major pain in my ass the past few days…”

“The world has had a major pain in the ass since January 20th of last year,” Trump’s English valet Lexington remarked as he put some Black Forest ham sandwiches and other snacks down on Trump’s desk.

“Really?” Trump used a piece of sliced baloney to pat his hair back down, “I hadn’t heard about that.”

“Dr. Faustus Imhotep has both a Ph.D in Physics and a Ph.D in Biochemistry from Cambridge University to answer your question,” the aide answered Trump’s question.

“Weren’t you telling me, Lexington, that the world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes studied both Literature and Theology at Cambridge University?” Trump asked as he ate the very oily and greasy piece of baloney he held in his hands.

“That is correct, sir,” Lexington poured coffee ☕️.

“So,” Trump put Coffee Mate in his coffee, “what is this DARPA scientist Dr. Faustus Imhotep currently working on?”.

“He’s making a female genetic clone of the DARPA contract assassin and world famous serial killer Pan Goatee,” his aide replied.

“Good God,” Trump spit out his coffee and sprayed it all over his aide’s face, “I hope she isn’t going to kill ugly looking men the way Pan Goatee kills ugly looking women.”

Trump was wondering whether he should change his hair colouring in lieu of this shocking tidbit of information.

“I don’t believe so, sir,” the aide gratefully accepted a towel from Lexington to wipe his face, “Dr. Faustus Imhotep has said he’s eliminated obsessive belief in the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche from her intellectual make-up so she won’t go into a homicidal rage every time she sees an ugly person.”

“That’s wonderful to hear,” Trump tweeted People don’t spray people, Coffee sprays people on his Twitter account, “so I don’t have to change my hair colouring.”

“Pope Francis has said that there is no Hell but there will still be Hell toupee then,” Lexington remarked.

“No Hell?” Trump looked shocked, “Then where will I be able to tell people to go?”.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something, sir,” Lexington yawned.

“What’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep going to call this genetically cloned twin sister of Pan Goatee?” Trump asked.

“Panty Goatee,” his aide replied.

“And whose panties will she be wearing?” Trump asked as he took another sip of coffee.

“She was given a 1000 pairs by Stormy Daniels,” his aide answered.

Trump spit out coffee in his aide’s face again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 29th

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With Beauty Gone, Pan Goatee Unleashes The Beast Within

March 22, 2018 at 9:40 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

With Beauty Gone, Pan Goatee Unleashes The Beast Within

Pan Goatee was walking through a casino when he noticed an ugly looking woman giving a massage to a guy sitting at the blackjack table.

Pan Goatee immediately decapitated the ugly looking creature with his astral laser machete.

He then turned his anger and wrath on the blackjack player with horrible taste in female masseuses.

“You pathetic excuse for manhood,” Goatee pointed his finger at the man, “How dare you hire an ugly looking woman to give you a massage? You obviously suffer from extremely bad taste. And therefore deserve to be eliminated from the face of the fucking earth.”

Goatee promptly decapitated the man.

The blackjack dealer remarked, “Well, I guess that player is now out of the game.”

The man’s head then bounced to the next table and landed on the roulette wheel.

“I’m sorry, no more bets,” the roulette dealer picked up the man’s head and threw it in a nearby trash can.

Pan Goatee then went up to his room in the hotel casino where he unloaded an astral laser machine gun from his astral laser suitcase.

“There are so many ugly women in this town that I can probably increase my aesthetic beautification efforts with these,” Pan Goatee unlocked the astral laser clip on the astral laser automatic weapon.

Pan Goatee noticed that the vast majority of ugly women in this town were all white like they were everywhere else in North America.

You didn’t see that many ugly African or Asian women.

The only really pretty white women seemed to be recent immigrants from Central and Eastern Europe.

The noted Canadian archivist and historical researcher Jack Morrow explained this was probably due to the fact that most Central and Eastern European women hadn’t really succumbed to the western political disease known as Feminism.

Imbibing this disease to a large degree seemed to cause ugly chromosomes to be released en masse within any female so infected.

As Pan Goatee was reflecting on this profound Morrowian insight, a Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansman appeared on the TV 📺 in the room talking about the superiority of the white race.

Pan Goatee blew a hole in the TV screen with his gun.

In a scene reminiscent of Elvis Presley using a gun and blowing a hole in the screen because he didn’t like watching what was on and he didn’t feel like walking over to the TV to turn it off (in the prehistoric days of television before there were remote controls).

Pan Goatee then left the hotel and went out into the street where he shot ugly women left, right and center (and even those who were not on any part of the political spectrum).

Afterwards he told a reporter who asked for a statement, “Guns don’t kill people. Satyrs kill people,” the genetically created half-man half-goat hybrid reborn from the times of Ancient Greece paraphrased the slogan of the National Rifle Association.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 22nd

Romanian Female Meteorologist:
Unaffected by the western political disease of feminism.

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Pan Goatee Crushes Fat Ugly Blimps With Steamrollers

February 3, 2018 at 10:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee Crushes Fat Ugly Blimps With Steamrollers

Pan Goatee was once again riding the bus 🚌 . He was reading about classical Grecian architecture in Intellectual Digest magazine when suddenly a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman got on the bus.

The sight caused him to vomit all over a neo-Modernist critique of classical Grecian architecture in the magazine.

When he had finished vomiting 🤢, his hand flipped the page to another article.

A second fat ugly blimp of a woman then boarded the bus 🚍.

The sight of her caused him to vomit 🤢 all over a feminist critique of Pre-Raphaelite paintings.

Normally Pan Goatee would have pulled out his Star Wars style astral laser machete and cut the heads off of both fat ugly blimps.

But Pan Goatee was so offended by the sights of fat ugly blimps that were currently disgracing the streets of North American society that he decided really more radical action was now required.

A message should really be sent to these fat ugly creatures of whom the word “diet” had never entered their vocabulary throughout their entire lives.

Pan Goatee called on his employers at DARPA to send black helicopters to surround the bus 🚌 as well as a fleet of steamrollers.

He would force these fatsos to accept thinness at least at one moment in their lives- their last.

The DARPA black helicopters used laser missiles to blow two gaping holes in the bus 🚌.

Pan Goatee used his laser machete to cut a hole in the roof of the bus and crawl out.

He then sent in a group of robots who relied on sensors rather than AI artificial sight to drag the fat ugly blimps out of the bus (he didn’t want the robots to blow a fuse which would have been the case had they been equipped with AI artificial sight).

The robots then dragged the fat ugly blimps out of the bus and put them on the snow ridden road where they were promptly run over by remote controlled steamrollers guided by Pan Goatee at the touch of a button.

The steamroller wheels ran over the blimps but didn’t flatten them much as the two blimps were so enormously fat to begin with.

The satyr serial killer and DARPA assassin Pan Goatee used his psychic powers (by staring at his goat legs) to direct his mind to guide the laser machete to cut off the heads of the fat ugly blimps.

The decapitations (unlike the broken wheels on the steamrollers which were now in desperate need of repair) were successful.

Pan Goatee then hailed a taxi to drive him to a library of the Smithsonian Institution where he was to give a public lecture on the topic Promoting Aesthetics In An Aesthetically Challenged World.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 3rd

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Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

January 17, 2018 at 8:38 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Janitorial Reflections On Alfred Hitchcock and Nanotechnology

“This looks like a job for Pan Goatee,” the satyr serial killer said as he removed his machete from his belt and decapitated a whole bunch of ugly women who were riding the bus.

Once again transit system janitors would be working overnight washing the floor and removing the blood.

“Nobody seems to murder anyone in motel room showers anymore,” one janitor complained to another.

“No, ever since Alfred Hitchcock shot that masterful scene in black and white with Janet Leigh, most psychos seem to have been afraid to murder a woman in the shower ever since,” a janitor refilled his bucket with Spic and Span.

“At least the IQ level of psychos is going up,” the other janitor filled his bucket up with Mr. Clean, “must be the influence of breakthroughs in nanotechnology and other Transhumanistically inclined sciences. At least these psychopaths are now starting to kill ugly looking women instead of good looking women like Janet Leigh.”

“The gene pool is certainly on the rise as far as psychotic killers are concerned,” the other janitor had to admit.

Next morning the bus was sparkling clean.

Ready for another day of public transit.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 17th

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Pan Goatee Wins Jack The Ripper Feminist Award

January 11, 2018 at 8:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Wins Jack The Ripper Feminist Award

The Cosmic Horror Writers Association of America had voted unanimously to make satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly women) the winner of this past year’s Jack The Ripper Feminist Award given to the serial killer whose actions were most at variance with the precepts of the National Organization For Women.

As Pan Goatee was about to get off the bus at the auditorium where he was to receive his award, he noticed a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman getting on at the front of the bus.

Pan immediately rushed up to the front of the bus and beheaded the woman with his machete.

He then turned back to the bus’s back door before getting off- but not before posing with a thumbs up sign for photos taken by Japanese tourists sitting at the back of the bus.

Later inside the auditorium, Pan Goatee received a standing ovation as he accepted the award.

When Donald Trump read about tonight’s awards ceremony in this evening’s National Security Intel report, the Tweeter-In-Chief (who had proclaimed himself an “awesome genius” in his most recent Twitter tweet) asked one of his aides, “Who was Jack the Ripper?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 11th

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Pan Goatee and Steve Bannon

January 9, 2018 at 8:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee and Steve Bannon

As Pan Goatee was going around the city cutting off the heads of ugly looking women to make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place, Donald Trump was reading the latest news to happen to Steve Bannon.

Mr. Bannon was stepping down from the Breitbart News organization he had helped build.

Taking note of the news story about satyr serial killer Pan Goatee’s homicidal attacks on ugly looking women, Trump remarked, “You know what would make the perfect final end for someone who accused my family of treason? If “Sloppy Steve” (a derogatory reference to his former aide’s usually dishevelled appearance) decided he would become transgendered and the first being he encountered after his operation was none other than Pan Goatee. It would definitely spell the end of Mr. Bannon.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 9th

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