Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

August 7, 2017 at 6:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, )

Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

Pan Goatee was pissed.

Because the fake news media was continuing to rave about Al Gore’s new movie An Inconvenient Sequel.

Although mercifully the movie bombed at the box office winding up in 15th place.

Of course 2 years ago, Pope Francis had released his papal encyclical on climate change called Laudato Si.

The encyclical Laudato Si quoted a lot from evolutionist Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

“What fools these mortals be,” the genetically created (and possibly immortal satyr serial killer) thought to himself.

Didn’t these apostate Popes and numerous New Agers realize that this Teilhard they admired so much was a racist who hated the Chinese and black Africans?

The real problem facing Earth was not climate change.

It was the decline of earthly aesthetics and beauty caused by the high proportion of ugly looking women on the planet particularly in North America.

Ironically Teilhardianily speaking it was Asia and Africa which still had high proportions of beautiful women while it was North America (where Teilhard had croaked and bit the proverbial paleontological dust back in 1955) which was positively crawling with 2-legged dogs, humanoid cows and flesh encased dirigible blimps.

Recently while going to a burger 🍔 bar to eat a hamburger, two fat humanoid cows walked in front of him.

He promptly cut their heads off with an astral laser machete.

Although the sight of them had already done its damage.

Pan Goatee had lost his appetite for eating a hamburger.

He promptly went to a Japanese sushi bar where the sight of lovely Japanese waitresses inspired him to eat tempura and teriyaki beef.

Then a few days ago he was heading to a juice bar to order his favourite brand of mango and coconut juice when an ugly repulsive looking flesh encased dirigible blimp walked in front of him.

He once again used his astral laser machete and promptly cut the ugly thing’s head off.

Having lost his appetite for mango and coconut juice as a result of the appearance of the Hellish DNA aberration that crossed his path, he went to a bar and downed a dozen whiskeys 🥃.

Then today while he was getting off a subway train, a two legged dog tried to get on in front of him.

The ugly thing with buck teeth and hideous looking glasses was promptly beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete.

Then when he was riding a bus later, a woman (and Pan Goatee used that term loosely) who was a hideous combination of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp was sitting on the sidewalk in front of a bus stop with her hideous elephant sized legs stretching out on to the road.

The ghastly sight caused the poor bus driver to swerve out of control and plunge the bus down a hillside where it crashed and killed everybody on board with the exception of Pan Goatee.

“Well I guess that answers that question about whether or not I’m mortal or immortal,” Pan Goatee thought to himself as he crawled out of a bus window.

He promptly walked uphill to the bus stop where he beheaded the ugly repulsive looking chimera hybrid creature of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp with one stroke of his astral laser machete.

“And to think Teilhard talks about humanity evolving towards an Omega Point,” Pan seethed, “instead we’re devolving to an inglorious end. And the problem is aesthetic deterioration not climate change.”

But unlike Al Gore’s hypothesis, his (Pan Goatee’s) intellectually formulated observation was the Inconvenient Truth that dare not speak its name.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 7th
2017.

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Pan Goatee’s Horribly Bad Day

June 5, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was having a horribly bad day.

In fact the first few days of June had been horribly bad days.

What was it about the first few days of the month that always brought the ugly women out into the streets?

Pay day perhaps? A little voice whispered to him.

What? Do they get paid for being ugly? Pan Goatee answered the little voice, No wonder Western civilization is going down hill.

He actually had to find an astral laser machete carver to polish his astral laser machete because he had put it in so much use the past few days lopping off all the heads of the ugly looking women who dared to cross his path.

Do you know how hard it is to find an astral laser machete carver? he asked a homeless person he saw on the streets.

“Pretty hard, I imagine,” the homeless person answered.

“It is, indeed,” Pan Goatee boarded the commuter train.

The train was once again taking longer than usual at one particular stop.

“What is it with the asshole who drives this train?” Pan Goatee asked angrily, “why does he always take longer at this one particular stop? What does he do here anyways? Is this his favourite stop for stopping and masturbating or something?”.

In fact, the asshole who was driving the train was taking so long at this one particular stop that a fat ugly woman boarded the train at the far end and waddled her way down to a couple of seats from him.

“Oh Zeus, I can’t believe it,” Pan Goatee shouted, “you fat ugly bitch, stay where you are when you board the train. Don’t waddle your way down to my end. You’ve thoroughly ruined my day by having your fatness and your ugliness in my immediate presence.”

Pan Goatee took out his freshly carved and polished laser machete and cut off the fat ugly bitch’s head.

“Hey mac, that’s no way to treat a lady,” one irate construction worker shouted at him.

“For your information, ye of little IQ,” Pan Goatee approached the man, “that was no lady. She was a fat ugly blimp blotting out the sun and ruining the landscape.”

A moment later and the construction worker’s head was lopped off.

“You need glasses,” commented Pan Goatee, “as well as a new head on your shoulders.”

Pan Goatee then got off the train on to the platform and walked down to the front where the driver was located.

“I want to see what this asshole is doing,” said Pan.

Pan walked into the driver’s cubicle and sure enough the guy was sitting there masturbating.

“You disgusting filthy little pervert,” Pan admonished.”How can you possibly sit there and masturbate in a city which seems to be filled with ugly looking women? There’s absolutely no excuse for your lewd filthy behaviour.”

And with that, Pan Goatee lopped off the train driver’s head.

He then went to the library and sat at a public computer when an ugly looking woman sat next to him.

He immediately beheaded her with his astral laser machete.

“And to think,” Pan Goatee commented as he exited the library, “that my municipal taxes go towards paying for places like this.”

U.S. President Donald Trump watched the video that had been shown him of Pan Goatee’s killing spree today.

“Why,” his National Security adviser asked him, “Don’t you send Pan Goatee after Islamic State fighters?”.

Trump motioned for his National Security adviser to leave the room.

Hm, Trump reflected, Pan Goatee had been doing such an excellent job of killing ugly looking women. It seemed a pity to send the satyr serial killer after Islamic State fighters.

And so President Donald Trump wrestled with the question, who was the greater threat to the world? Ugly women? Or Islamic State militants?

He was up the entire night in the Oval Office wrestling with that question.

And by the next morning, he still didn’t have an answer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 5th
2017.

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Much Ado About The Orient Express

April 17, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

As Pan Goatee was about to board the train, he noticed a fat ugly looking blimp of a woman getting off in front of him.

She resembled a fat cow having a bad bovine face day.

Pan Goatee promptly took out his laser machete and cut her head off.

As he kicked the head off into the gutter and boarded the train, he thought about a movie he had watched a few nights earlier- Murder On The Orient Express set in the early 1930s.

Why Pan Goatee wondered, would anyone want to commit a murder on the Orient Express in those days?

They had no ugly women or very little at any rate back in the 1930s.

Not like this horrendous second decade of the 21st Century where ugly women were everywhere- at least in the Western world- trains, planes and automobiles.

Meanwhile in Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was celebrating his referendum win yesterday which gave greater powers to his Presidency paving the way to his becoming the new Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.

Erdogan was so happy that he thought the original Orient Express railway route between Paris and Istanbul should be revived again.

Meanwhile in London, dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was taking a British Conservative MP Agathor Christie a great nephew of Agatha Christie (author of Murder On The Orient Express) grocery shopping with her.

Sherrielock Holmes Grocery Shopping With Agathor Christie

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 17th
2017.

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Dashwood Forrest and Pan Goatee In Calgary

March 29, 2017 at 5:30 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“What a place totally devoid of culture,” Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde of the 21st Century said to his Undead butler and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked. He had only spent less than 24 hours in the city and he was already forgetting how to recite Irish ballads and poetry.

“I imagine if one were looking for culture and learning in Calgary, one would probably only find it among certain people living in homeless shelters in a city such as this,” Dashwood Forrest sipped on his chocolate milkshake.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie nodded, “and what extremely ugly women seem to live in this city. I’ve never seen such fat ugly looking specimens.”

Mulligan the Undead promptly died again as he looked out the window and saw the walking specimens of ghastly horror.

Mulligan’s last words before dying a second time were, “Genesis 6 would have never happened had the angels landed in Calgary instead of the Middle East. There would have been no rise of the Nephilim because the sons of God would not have found the daughters of men attractive.”

“Truer last words were never spoken, Mulligan,” Forrest acknowledged, “with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde’s last words spoken in his room, “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.” It’s amazing how unattractive interior decorating can lead to deaths of great geniuses. To say nothing of how unattractive exterior decorating can lead to the death of one’s valet.”

Dashwood Forrest thought of calling South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo on his mobile phone and get him to chant a spell to bring Mulligan back from the dead.

He thought he’d wait a while however until they had left Calgary.

Forrest was in a quandary however. Even though he was gay, the site of such repulsive ugly looking members of the opposite sex waddling around and fender bumping their broomsticks in public was enough to kill one’s libido faster than taking a cold shower in a U.S. Army barracks.

Forrest removed a classical ancient Greek olive oil lamp from his jacket pocket.

The lamp had been a gift from his good friend Ivanka Trump for favours rendered.

If he remembered his Arabian Nights folklore correctly, Aladdin used a magic lamp to summon a genie.

Maybe he could rub this lamp and summon a genie to bump off all these ugly women.

Dashwood Forrest rubbed the lamp.

Pan Goatee appeared.

“How the Hell did I get from an Orson Welles repertory film festival in Washington D.C. (where strangely enough I was the only one in the theatre) to a milk shake bar in what looks to be the city of Calgary- the city of gay cowboys- not surprising given the overall unattractiveness of the women here,” the genetically created satyr serial killer scratched his head.

“I do most humbly apologize, my good man,” Dashwood Forrest bowed, “or rather my good satyr, I was hoping to summon a genie but you’ll do. I was wondering if you could slay these ugly women for me.”

“Happy to oblige,” Pan Goatee took out his astrally projected laser machete and walked out the door where he proceeded to behead ugly women left, right and center.

Pan Goatee’s aesthetically oriented mercy killing actions led to Mulligan the Irish Zombie coming back from the dead.

“Why did we come to Calgary anyways?” Mulligan asked Dashwood Forrest.

“To see Lake Louise in the Blue Canadian Rockies to celebrate Dame Vera Lynn’s 100th Birthday earlier this month,” Dashwood Forrest explained.

“Then let’s go see Lake Louise and go,” Mulligan pleaded.

“An excellent idea,” Forrest said, “go outside and hail a taxi for us, will you?”.

As the Michael Jackson song Thriller played in the background on the old milkshake bar diner’s jukebox, Mulligan the Irish zombie ran outside and did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 29th
2017.

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Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!

March 10, 2017 at 6:13 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Big Ben just happened to chime in London the moment Hecate was beheaded in New York City.

Apollo gathered up Hecate’s head and had it cryogenically frozen.

Who of course could bring the deity back to life?

First bets fell on Dr. Cadbury Rocher the resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises in London who had brought Apollo back from the dead, had restored Medusa to life (minus her atrocious snake hair style) and who also had managed to clone several Greek mythological creatures including Pan and Pegasus.

However Dr. Rocher was fearful of reprisals from satyr serial killer Pan Goatee if he brought Hecate back from the dead so he declined.

South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo declined for the same reason.

As did the Russian FSB’s (former East German Stasi) mad scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen although Dr. Werhoffen did have the added burden of his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin’s dislike for witches (hence his dislike for Hillary).

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released the following statement upon hearing of Hecate’s death:

I’m so sorry to hear of the sudden and tragic demise of the Greek goddess I always considered my personal mentor Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, sorcery and necromancy. I know me and my supporters as well as the CEOs of all Planned Parenthood clinics across the land are absolutely devastated by news of our mentor’s death. I am personally proud of being a witch although I do know being a witch spelled with both a “w” and a “b” probably cost me the U.S. election as many people seemed to prefer even voting for Donald Trump as opposed to voting for me.

Weepingly yours in Hecate,
Hillary.

The Greek goddess Demeter (goddess of the harvest and agriculture) was very concerned over the death of Hecate.

She turned to Artemis the goddess of the hunt for help in bringing Hecate back to life.

Asclepius the Greek god of medicine and healing was sadly being held a prisoner in the Himalayas by a mysterious Golden cobra serpent figure who called himself Maitreya so he could not do it.

Artemis went for a walk in the woods in upstate New York to collect her thoughts.

There she ran into the ET gray Gali-Gula (whose ET gray body was possessed by the spirit of the Roman Emperor Caligula).whose Niburuan UFO ship The Gunterpunter had run out of metallic hydrogen since Gali-Gula had neglected to fill up at the closest Nonpetro Galaxia metallic hydrogen filling station.

Gali-Gula was aware that world-famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes would probably tomato his buns for such a major blunder to say nothing of Pope Francis excommunicating him (if he had been Catholic) as well as being hit by a major carbon tax surcharge by Alberta Premier Rachel Notley’s NDP government in Canada for making such a major environmental non-green non-renewable energy blunder.

Artemis told Gali-Gula her dilemma.

Gali-Gula told Artemis his.

Artemis text messaged Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge to see what he could do.

In return, Gali-Gula text messaged his ET grayish home planet Nibiru’s top scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.

Dr. Whenever Wherever was in fact a Nibiruan scientist from the future who had traveled back in time to the current century.

Due to a mishap involving a drunken Niburuan otter called Jeffery which resulted in sustainable head injuries to Dr. Whenever Wherever after he tripped over the well intoxicated otter lying on the floor, Dr. Whenever Wherever’s portion of his ET gray brain dedicated to time travel had been overtaken by amnesia. (Nibiruan science had suffered several setbacks over the millenia due to the folly of drunken Nibiruan otters- please see

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/gali-gula-from-roman-emperor-to-et/ )

In the future, Dr. Whenever Wherever had been born to Nibiruan parents who were big fans of the earthling BBC series Dr. Who watching them on Ultra-Violet Ray Video Discs (with infinitely better picture quality than our decade’s Blu-Ray discs). Unfortunately the idiot recording them on the Discs had pushed the wrong button and so the only soundtrack that showed up in the background of the Dr. Who episodes was a constant refrain of Shakira’s 2001 hit song Whenever Wherever.

That episode of Dr. Who where the stone angels came to life was infinitely more terrifying when you heard the words Whenever Wherever to their suddenly and eerily coming to life.

As such, the young ET gray’s parents had named the child Whenever Wherever after the dialogue in the episodes of Dr. Who they watched on the unknown idiot’s Ultra-Violet Ray video discs of Dr. Who.

Dr. Whenever Wherever of Nibiru after speaking to Artemis on Gali-Gula’s Infinitely Celestial Smart Phone agreed to help in the case of Hecate’s severed head seeing if it could be brought back to life.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 10th
2017.

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Pan Goatee Celebrates International Women’s Day

March 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who escaped from a Set Enterprises truck in northern England back in 2013) was celebrating International Women’s Day by cutting off the heads of ugly looking women as he rode the New York City subway.

“Get out of the way, you ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee quickly used his astral laser machete to cut off the creature’s head as she got in his way.

“Hey, mac, that’s sexist,” some guy shouted at Pan Goatee, “don’t you know it’s International Women’s Day?”.

“Go join them then,” Pan Goatee cut off the man’s testicles with his astral laser machete.

He exited the train and continued to lop off the head of any ugly looking woman who got in his way.

“Who’s that?” the Greek god Zeus asked his daughter Artemis (who had been known as Diana among the Ancient Romans).

“He kind of looks like Pan the god of the wild who sadly died under mysterious circumstances a couple of millenia ago,” Artemis answered.

“He does,” Zeus agreed.

“Who is this guy?” U.S. President Donald Trump asked one of his aides as he watched the beheading video on Instagram.

“He works for us, Mr. President,” his aide replied, “He’s a contract assassin for our government. He does serial killing of ugly women in his spare time as a hobby.”

“That’s good to hear,” President Trump applied some Brylcreem to his hair, “that’s very good to hear.”

“Who does he work for?” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked one of his aides as he viewed the beheading on YouTube.

“Sadly, not for us,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Putin asked.

“We could tell him how Russia is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly stoats and gargoyles who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied, “so he could spend more time screwing our women instead of beheading North American women. Make love not war as the anti-Vietnam War protesters of the 1960s used to say.”

“I like that idea,” Vladimir took his shirt off and started lifting some weights in his office.

“Who does he work for?” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un asked one of his aides as he handed him a facecloth which the aide declined for some reason.

“Sadly for the imperialist American running dogs,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Kim Jong-un text messaged his friend Dennis Rodman.

“We could tell him how North Korea is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly camels and cows who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied.

“An excellent idea,” Kim Jong-un clicked the Like button on the Facebook page set up for the assassination of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam.

“Great Zeus, Hecate has been beheaded,” Apollo shouted from Times Square as the Greek goddess of witchcraft in crone form had attracted the wrath of Pan Goatee.

“What manner of half-man half-goat is this that even deity dies at his hands?” Zeus asked as he stood in front of the Coca-Cola neon sign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 8th
2017.

null

Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt, unlike Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, was spared the wrath of Pan Goatee.

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Sherrielock Holmes’ Grand Entrance At The Mermaid Art Exhibit

January 20, 2017 at 1:00 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

When Sherrielock Holmes walked through the doors of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery, she took a pair of long turquoise gloves out of her silver and diamond embroidered purse and put them on her hands and arms.

She then removed a whip out of her purse and said to the otter, “Out, out, Jefferey de Montmartre you naughty otter. You oughta naught be here.”

The otter went running out into the street and jumped into the back of a fleeing beer truck.

The former DARPA employee (whom Jefferey the Otter had followed into the gallery) had meanwhile locked himself in a cubicle in the men’s washroom and was calling home long distance on his mobile phone, “Tiger Mom, you’ve got to help me.”

“Hm, Tiger Mom?” Filmmaker Woody Allen said to himself as he walked by eating an egg salad sandwich, “I wonder if she’s any relation to Tiger Lily?”.

“What’s up?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield outside the men’s washroom.

Then when Amadeus noted what was up with Renfield, he thought that was actually a pretty stupid question to ask given the number of beautiful women at the Art Exhibit party.

“It’s nice to be able to take a night off once in a while,” Pan Goatee thought to himself as he sipped champagne while standing in the middle of the exhibit room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 9th
2017.

“What’s up, Tiger Lily?”.

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Pan Goatee’s Raspberry To Calgary White Women

December 8, 2016 at 6:34 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

O Calgary white women, thou art ugly
Dogs should do to you what they do to a tree
why do Neo-Nazis think they’re the superior race?
Between their ears must lie quite the empty space.

Anybody whose women are so ugly
Master race they cannot be.
Meghan Trainor sang Mama told me, don’t worry about your size
These fat ugly slobs don’t as they down Big Mac, Coke and fries

Jack Morrow noted Edmonton archivist and historian said of Alberta this province
if it weren’t for black and Asian women, we’d have no real women here- makes sense
fat ugly white slobs who blot out the sun as they waddle down the street
who would surely if they stepped on- crush an elephant’s feet
in terms of competing with Goodyear blimp for size and girth
they’d win hands down- all bets off for what it’s worth

These fat ugly slobs told by Oprah- be proud of the way they look
but their appearance would drive Hannibal Lector to cease being a cook
Black women and Asian women wisely reject Oprah’s advice
an ugly appearance is similar to having head lice.

-A poem written by Pan Goatee
after a recent visit to Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Thursday December 8th 2016

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Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

August 28, 2016 at 3:00 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

Pan Goatee was having a nightmare. Everywhere he looked and everywhere he turned, there were ugly looking women. It would have been a nightmare equally shared by the most devoted professor of philosophy whose specialty was the study and promotion of aesthetics.

John Keats had once wrote that a thing of beauty was a joy forever. Well, there was no joy in Mudville (in this case, planet Earth). Good taste and grooming had struck out.

The genetically created satyr serial killer and contract assassin looked at his Breviary that he had taken from the body of a Roman Catholic priest beheaded by members of the so-called Islamic State.

He noticed that the Saint’s commemoration celebration on this day August 25th was the Commemoration of Saint Louis IX King of France and Crusader (April 25th 1215- August 25th 1270).

He was one Catholic Saint who was believed by many historians to have been personally gay (although he had 11 children by his wife Marguerite of Provence).

No doubt the Saint had had a prophetic vision of what the women of the world would look like on this date August 25th in the year 2016 and that was the final factor that so dramatically swung Saint Louis into the direction of being gay.

Pan Goatee called on the gods of Olympus for help.

Zeus, when he turned his eagle eye binoculars to the scene (the world on August 25th 2016), suffered a rare cardiac arrest for an immortal.

As Asclepius and Hermes performed C.P.R. on the supreme god of the Olympians, Hera directed that Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street fame and Jason of Friday the 13th fame be sent as back up for the beleagured satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Zeus recovered after Asclepius used one of the supreme Olympian’s own thunderbolts on his Hippocrates brand defibrilllator machine.

“I’m becoming gay,” Zeus announced to a shocked Hera when he came to, “mortal women have become far too ugly for my liking. I’m going to have to wrestle my bi-sexual son Apollo in chasing after such handsome youths as Hyacinth.”

A homosexual Zeus would definitely throw the entire Cosmos off balance, Hera decided to herself, for such a horny and insatiable overly heterosexual sex addict such as Zeus to turn gay could be worse for the future existence of the universe than the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in the hands of a drunken otter who had drunk too much of Daniel’s Fine Tomatoed Buns Otter Brew Beer.

Desperate times require desperate measures, Hera decided.

Aphrodite was called upon to give Zeus the mother of all blow jobs.

As Aphrodite did so, Zeus’ sexual orientation was swung back a full 360 degrees as both Pythagoras and Sigmund Freud hastily took notes as they observed the spectacle.

Meanwhile on planet Earth on that Hellish date of August 25th 2016, Freddy Krueger had gouged out his own eyes with his long razor sharp fingernails because he could not bear the ugliness of the earthling women of that date.

After he had done so, he was invited by filmmaker Quentin Tarantino to audition for the role of Oedipus in a modern remake of the Greek myth that the writer and director was thinking of making.

Meanwhile Jason wearing a goalie mask had cut off his own head when he saw the ugliness of the women- a feat for which he was invited to audition for a new TV show in which Simon Cowell would be a judge- The Islamic State’s Got Talent.

Pan Goatee meanwhile was reaching for the nuclear button in the White House. The satyr had reached the drastic conclusion that the only way the beauty of the universe could be saved is if he blew planet Earth to Kingdom Come.

Pan Goatee pushed the button as Barack Obama inwardly sobbed, “Why did he do that just before my order of Little Caesar’s Pizza was about to arrive at the White House?”.

The earth was blown to Kingdom Come.

The voice of Rod Serling (host of The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery) could be heard above the roar of the atomic mushroom cloud making a shredded cabbage cole slaw out of planet Earth:

“For that, Mr. Pan Goatee, Darth Vader thanks you.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 25th 2016

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The Dance of Shiva

August 17, 2016 at 12:48 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

August 13th 1944- German physicist Franz von Papen was doing experiments in his Berlin laboratory with sound.

His thesis: He was going to try to see if he could use sound to split the atom.

If he could, then the Reich would have no need for uranium or heavy water cooling plants to produce an atomic bomb.

What would produce this sound that would split the atom?

Von Papen had in front of him a Western musically inscribed transcript of the melody of A Hymn To Chaos that had been sung in a Tibetan Buddhist monastery for thousands of years.

And the musical instrument he’d use to produce the sound of music of this Hymn To Chaos?

After much research on the subject, he decided on the theremin.

The theremin invented by Russian inventor Leon Theremin in 1920.

Von Papen excitedly opened the box containing the theremin.

It was empty.

The seller of musical instruments had forgotten to pack the instrument.

The physicist angrily got on the phone to the instrument seller.

August 17th 1944- The theremin had finally arrived.

Quickly von Papen put down his music notes (the western inscribed musical transcript of the Tibetan Buddhist Hymn To Chaos) and started playing the theremin.

To his shock, a small image of the Hindu deity Shiva appeared in the room and started dancing.

Von Papen stopped playing the theremin and the image stopped dancing and disappeared.

Von Papen now had something he could show the Fuhrer.

Von Papen wrote down some notes and mailed them to a distant cousin of his.

He then got on the phone to the Office of The Fuhrer- a phone that had been tapped by MI6.

Von Papen was immediately invited to the Fuhrer’s office that night to demonstrate what he had discovered.

As Von Papen left his laboratory that afternoon, he was promptly assassinated by an operative operating for MI6 in Berlin.

. , .

Vatican Cardinal Walter Kasper had been contacted by the United States government.

They were anxious to get a score of musical notes that had been in the possession of a relative of his- a musicologist.

The musicologist had left the notes to his young relative Walter when he heard that Walter was entering the priesthood.

He felt that the notes would be safe with a priest.

Kasper had never bothered to read the notes.

He was surprised when the U.S. government offered him money for them.

The U.S. State Department had told him that the notes were for the Smithsonian Institute in Washington D.C.

Kasper would not take the money for himself (Pope Francis frowned on such things!) but he told the State Department to give the money to his favourite charity.

The Cardinal sat in a Roman cafe waiting for the U.S. government representative to show up.

Out of nowhere suddenly appeared in front of him a man with a goatee beard wearing a mink fur hat on his head and Hawaiian shorts showing very hairy legs.

The man resembled images and pictures he had seen of the Greek satyr god Pan.

“Here’s the money for your favourite charity, your Eminence,” Pan Goatee put a briefcase on the table.

“I’ve got my distant relative’s musical scores right here,” the Cardinal reached down for his portfolio case.

It was gone.

As Pan Goatee and the Cardinal looked around for signs of the portfolio attache case, a hamster was seen scurrying down the streets of Rome carrying a portfolio attache case.

. . .

In a hotel room in Rome as Renfield R. Renfield was getting a massage from a young masseuse who was a deadringer for the young Sophia Loren as she would have appeared in movies of the 1950s and ’60s, he was on the phone.

“Yes,” said Renfield, “I have the attache case.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 13th 2016.

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