Pan Goatee Beheads A Moron and Two Repulsively Fat Ugly Blimps

August 10, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Aesthetics) (, , )

Due to the high number of repulsive fat ugly blimps that heartless globalists George Soros and Bill Gates keep genetically creating in the City of Calgary, genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee is once again forced to make an appearance in tonight’s vampire novel chapter.

Pan Goatee had once again returned to the pharmacy he was forced to exit last night after encountering a fat ugly blimp he had beheaded and dismembered.

There was no fat ugly blimp in the store tonight.

However there was a moronic jackass who had started a long line up at the cash register as he argued with the store manager about wanting to return a carton of cigarettes he had been overcharged for and wanted to get his full money back.

He did have his receipt with him and he had in fact been overcharged for the carton of cigarettes.

But the trouble was the moronic jackass had smoked two packs of cigarettes from the carton and therefore the manager said he could not get his full money back.

This sent the moronic jackass’s panties into a knot and he threw a temper tantrum demanding his full money back.

As the store line-up continued to grow and the manager tried to calmly explain to the moronic jackass the reasons for his decision, the moronic jackass continued to throw his temper tantrum.

Like the lovestruck lover who never revealed his feelings until it was too late and he was reduced to confessing his love on cardboard flash cards on Christmas Eve in the movie Love Actually, Goatee finally said “Enough!”.

He went up to the moronic jackass and said, “Don’t you know that cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your health?” as he lopped off the moron’s head.

“There have even been many cases of a cigarette smoking habit leading to a person’s death,” Goatee proceeded to cut the moron up into 999 trillion pieces.

“You don’t say,” the emperor-philosopher frog Marcus Amphibius quipped as he licked a black fly house and garden bug killer ice cream cone.

That night Health Canada ordered that a new warning label be put on all cigarette packages and cartons sold in Canada:

Warning: Health Canada has determined that returning the cigarette carton to the store where you bought it could result in possible beheading by Pan Goatee.

Meanwhile Pan Goatee headed home.

As he was standing at an intersection, a fat female cyclist rode by.

He beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

The owner of the bike (from whom the fat ugly blimp had stolen the bicycle) returned the bike and its incredibly flattened tires back to the bike store from which he had bought it hoping to get his money back.

Panty Goatee (Pan Goatee’s younger sister) happened to be in town and was trying to arrange a bike rental for herself.

However the line was held up by the owner of the bike.

Panty Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 666 trillion pieces (she wasn’t quite as numerically obsessed as her older brother).

Meanwhile Goatee was returning to the drug store because he had forgotten his monogramed handkerchief (having left it on one of the shelves).

While walking back to the pharmacy, he encountered another fat ugly blimp waddling along the sidewalk looking incredibly ugly and incredibly stupid (she was even more fat and repulsively ugly than the one he had slain inside the drug store last night).

“Jesus Motherfucking H. Christ!” Goatee quoted the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg, “You are the fattest ugliest blimp of them all.”

“We have to agree,” the ghosts of Brutus, Cassius, Julius Caesar and Mark Antony said in unison as they barfed ectoplasmic vomit all over the place.

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head clear across the Rocky Mountains and clear across the Pacific Ocean where it binged Communist China’s tyrannical leader Xi Jinping in the face in Beijing.

“Jesus Motherfucking H. Christ!” Xi said in Mandarin Chinese as he was hit by the ugliest missile in all recorded history.

Goatee then cut up the fat ugly blimp’s corpulent corpse into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion times.. an infinite number of 999 trillion times.

“To infinity and beyond,” the philosophical emperor frog Marcus Amphibius quoted noted astronaut Buzz Lightyear as he ate a candied apple.

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Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Musical Tribute To Pan Goatee

August 9, 2021 at 10:23 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Pan Goatee The world’s most popular and beloved serial killer:
Now the subject of a song

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking down a back alley way when a fat ugly blimp crossed his path.

“Jesus Christ!” Goatee shouted.

This caused a raven pecking out the eyes of a dog (of the four-legged variety) in the alley way to pause.

He wasn’t used to Goatee invoking the Nazarene’s name.

Only the names of various Greco-Roman Olympian and Titan deities.

“Don’t you know back alley ways are meant for the likes of drug dealers, pimps and hookers? Not for the likes of fat ugly blimps like yoursef?” Goatee commented as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Maybe fat ugly blimps have now become hookers,” a talking frog by the name of Marcus Amphibius remarked as he sat in a bird bath in the alley way.

“If fat ugly blimps have become hookers, this is definitely the end of civilization,” Goatee noted.

“Agreed,” Marcus Amphibius retreated into a hole in the ground.

Several hours later Goatee was crossing a traffic intersection when he encountered a fat ugly blimp carrying 4 double double coffees.

“No doubt those 4 double double coffees are meant for yourself,” Goatee deduced in Sherlockian fashion as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee continued walking towards a drug store.

He entered the drug store where he encountered the fattest ugliest blimp of them all.

“Jesus Christ Almighty!” Goatee shouted.

Once again invoking the Nazarene’s name caused the ghost of Friedrich Nietzsche to gasp this time.

He was used to the satyr invoking the name of Dionysus not Christ.

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and kicked her fat ugly head clear across the Rocky Mountains and into the raging wildfires of the province of British Columbia where it went up like the world’s biggest and ugliest marshmallow.

He then cut her up into 999 trillion times 999 trillion pieces just to show his sheer and utter disgust with this abomination of aesthetic desolation.

. . .

As France’s vaccine passport system came into effect, French President Emmanuel Macron sat on top of the Eiffel Tower and drank a bottle of Vichy Water as he talked to the ghosts of Marshal Philippe Petain and Adolf Hitler.

. . .

After finding out from London private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie that the world’s most famous serial killer Pan Goatee was indeed the very same satyr he had created and who had escaped from his large test tube after the Set Enterprises transport lorry that was carrying it and him had crashed with another lorry in a major traffic accident in northern England, scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher decided to write a song about his beloved creation and his world famous exploits.

Grabbing his Hawaiian ukulele, Dr. Cadbury Rocher sang his tribute song Do You Know The Way To Pan Goatee? (To the tune of Do You Know The Way To San Jose?):

“Do you know the way to Pan Goatee?
I’ve got a wonderful friend in Pan Goatee

Calgary is a great big ug-way
Turns guys from straight to gay
And all the ugs that ever were
Waddle its streets and give you gas…”

Both Hillary Rodham Clinton and Nancy Pelosi were not pleased with the song when they first heard it on the radio.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Chrstopher
Monday August 9th

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Pan Goatee Beheads More Uglos and Morons Becoming A Threat To Neo-Bolshevik Communists Everywhere

August 2, 2021 at 10:40 pm (Vampire novel, News, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Aesthetics, The Occult, Sorcery) (, , )

The world’s most popular and sought after serial killer Pan Goatee was at the cash register in a pharmacy/grocery store buying some bottles of Cranberry Juice that were on sale.

His evening was then ruined by an ugly looking gargoyle (one of 3 species of ugly looking white females that seem to haunt and terrorize the city of Calgary) standing in line behind him with her stupid looking white boyfriend standing behind her.

Pan Goatee then immediately beheaded both uglo and moron and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

He then left the store and headed across the street where he ran into a woman with pink and blue hair and John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd Blues Brothers style sunglasses.

The woman didn’t look ugly but she looked like a moron.

And with a possible Canadian Federal election looming, morons have a tendency to vote for one of two Neo-Bolshevik Communist Parties in Canada- the Canadian Federal Liberal Party led by failed Al Jolson minstral show impersonator and all around cerebral thought failure Justin Trudeau and the Canadian Federal New Democratic Party led by airhead Jagmeet Singh (whom Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Miranda Singh insists is absolutely no relation to her).

And in this year’s coming October municipal election in Calgary, a moron would also have a tendency to vote for Neo-Bolshevik Communist airhead Mayoralty candidate Jyoti Gondek (a friend of Neo-Bolshevik Communist asshole and demagogue Dr. Joe Vipond who was currently the biggest threat to freedom in Alberta) who was seeking to replace Calgary’s retiring fat slob Neo-Bolshevik Communist Mayor Naheed Nenshi.

Thus Goatee beheaded the moron and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

. . .

Dr. Anthony Fauci is the Rasputin presiding over the fall of the American Empire.
-The Ghost of Lenin

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the darling of the brainless mainstream media and the technocratic sorcerer director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, was going through his mail.

“Hm,” Dr. Fauci noted after opening a letter sent to him by River Styx Travel Tours, “Someone’s bought me a ticket to the City of Calgary.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 2nd

What Dr. Anthony Fauci really looks like with all of his masks off.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Erroneous Notion of White Supremacy While Exorcist Recalls Demonically Possessed Nun

July 26, 2021 at 10:08 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again in the neighbourhood dollar store.

And there in the line-up was another repulsively ugly looking white woman.

There seemed to be a surplus of repulsively ugly looking white women wandering around the dollar store this past week.

What was up with that?

The Calgary Stampede was over.

Ugly looking white women should be back in the corral or the closet where they belong.

It was probably the influence of all these annoying pansies and fruits who go around celebrating Pride Week then Pride Month then Pride Year and now Pride Century, Pan Goatee reasoned.

Soon it will be Pride Millenium.

Instead of a 1000 Year Reich, it will be a 1000 Year Rainbow.

One guarded by Ernst Rohm and not Heimdall.

This ugly looking white woman had blue hair.

Pan Goatee blamed the preponderance of ugly white women in the city, in Alberta and in Canada as a whole on the influence of that odious western world political disease known as Critical Gender Theory radical Marxist feminism.

The abhorrent ideology turned any female who heavily imbibed its contents into a creature so repulsively ugly it caused even the Devil himself to vomit all over the place.

“My God but you’re ugly,” Pan Goatee quoted the John Cleese character of Basil Fawlty as he beheaded the ugly looking white women with blue hair, “You and others like you certainly rip a big hole into that erroneous theory of white supremacy. Any race that produces the likes of you certainly has nothing whatsoever to feel superior about. Hitler must have been insane.”

Goatee went on about Hitler’s insanity as he sliced the ugly white woman with blue hair into 999 trillion pieces, “Some individuals seem to be prone to all sorts of neuroses and psychoses. And I guess Hitler was obviously one of them.”

. . .

As most of the priests in Pope Francis’ Vatican were currently engaged in the Monday night gay sex orgy, the daughter of a Rome boarding house owner was wandering the halls and walls of the Vatican trying to find a priest who would come and administer the Last Rites to one of her mother’s lodgers an elderly priest and long retired exorcist.

The girl happened to run into one of the few heterosexual Vatican curia officials Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Cardinal.

Cardinal Salaman accompanied the girl to her mother’s boarding house and administered the Last Rites to the dying exorcist.

When he had finished administering the Last Rites, the old exorcist spoke.

“There was one exorcism I recall more vividly than all the rest,” said the exorcist, “it was a nun who was demonically possessed.”

“Go on,” the Cardinal nodded, “A nun who was demonically possessed…”

“She was demonically possessed by an entity that identified itself as the Spirit of Pachamama,” the exorcist continued.

“The Spirit of Pachamama?” Cardinal Salaman was astounded.

“Yes,” the exorcist answered, “The nun had become possessed while giving birth to a child. The child’s father, the nun had told her fellow nuns in the convent, was a bishop.”

“How long ago was this, Father?” The cardinal asked the exorcist.

“Many many years ago, Father,” the old exorcist replied.

“Did the child live?” Cardinal Salaman wanted to know.

“Yes, the child lived,” the exorcist nodded.

“How old would the child be now?” Salaman inquired.

The exorcist did not answer.

For he had gone to his reward.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 26th

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100 More Days Till Halloween…

July 23, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

“This is Jack Anderson at Terror 97 FM in London- the radio station that keeps you in stitches – a la style of Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s creation. This just in from Canada… Earlier today genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee slew two more ugly women in a Dollarama store in Calgary. And now here’s Air Supply singing their coming Halloween hit Two Less Ugly People In The World…”

. . .

There was a state of excitement prevailing in the Vatican among the city state’s wide assortment of Jesuit priests for word had come to pass that the demon Baphomet was going to address them at A Come As You Are convention in the Vatican Sauna Steam Bath House named Hyacinth Sizzles Apollo’s Swizzle Stick.

Meanwhile in the Papal Apartments, Pope Francis was consulting with one of his leading theological advisors Walter Cardinal Kasper.

“Your Unholiness,” Kasper addressed Bergoglio by his most appropriate title, “a group of flying saucer UFOs containing 6.66 feet tall T-Rex ET reptilians have landed within the walls of the Vatican.”

“What for?” Francis asked as he licked a Spartan Greek popsicle.

“We’re not sure,” Kasper answered.

. . .

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had been hiding inside a tomb in London’s Highgate Cemetery ever since British MP Renfield R. Renfield publicly called for the 10 Downing Street occupant’s assassination this past Wednesday.

The colourful and controversial MP had issued the assassination call after the Zombie Nosferatu Tory Prime Minister (whose forehead had been etched with the words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST in red felt ink) announced this past Wednesdy that he intended to introduce a vaccine passport in Britain next month.

Bishop Sean Manchester the traditionalist Old Catholic Church Bishop of Glastonbury and a leading exorcist was walking around the cemetery amidst reports that a vampire was once again haunting the cemetery for the first time in 51 years.

As Johnson sat inside the tomb with sweat on his forehead, the ghost of Karl Marx (looking well roasted) appeared alongside him and asked him, “How’s it going?”.

. . .

Yaldabaoth the Irish Leprechaun was in Highgate Cemetery eating cold mutton sandwiches and drinking Guinness beer.

He was listening to Terror 97 FM London on his old 1970s style transistor radio.

The radio was playing a commercial and a Halloween holiday jingle, “100 more days till Halloween… Silver Shamrock.”

A hand holding a silver shamrock suddenly appeared out of the ground near the old gravestone where Yaldabaoth was having his evening picnic totally freaking the wee leprechaun out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 23rd

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Pan Goatee Beheads One Nosy Bitch Plus Several Fat Ugly Blimps

July 22, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee lay in bed and counted the number of goat hairs on his legs.

“999 trillion,” Pan Goatee said when he had finished counting, “No wonder I’m obssessed with that number.”

He thought back to last night when he had encountered a fat ugly blimp in a Burger King restaurant.

“It’s a wonder there was any food left when you had finished ordering,” Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp as she attempted to carry out her massive take-out bag.

He cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Since there was no food left to order, he decided to go to a nearby drug store (that also sold groceries) to buy some reasonably priced cartons of cottage cheese.

Inside the drug store at the cashier, the one person ahead of him was some idiot who didn’t seem to know his ass from a hole in the ground (much like the current occupant of the Oval Office).

The jackass kept trying to recount the price of every item he had brought to the cashier’s till.

Suddenly the process was interrupted by some idiot phoning the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot on his mobile phone.

Pan Goatee sent his GPS tracking astral laser machete into action as the idiot at the till answered his mobile.

The astral machete moving at USS Enterprise warp speed went to the source of the call and immediately beheaded the airhead who had phoned the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot.

The machete then cut up the airhead into 999 trillion pieces.

It returned like a boomerang at warp speed to Pan Goatee.

“Oops, I forgot to give you my points card when I bought everything,” the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot suddenly announced to the cashier, “Let’s do it again, shall we?”.

That was the final straw for Pan Goatee.

He put down his box of straws on the counter, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the “not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground” idiot.

The idiot finally got a birds’ eye view of what his ass looked like (and how it differed from a hole in the ground) prior to Goatee cutting him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Then two ugly looking women, a think ugly looking stoat and a fat ugly blimp, then went out the exit as Goatee finally paid for his goods because he was held up by the idiot who didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Goatee then sent his astral laser machete after them beheading both repulsively ugly women.

The machete then cut both uglos up into 999 trillion pieces each.

The satyr was so offended by what transpired that he decided to exit out the entrance door rather than the exit door.

When he had finished counting the number of goat’s hairs on his legs, Goatee got out of bed.

He was to go to his pharmacist today to get his meds refilled (as someone who didn’t have a degree in psychiatry once noted, “Those meds Goatee takes don’t seem to do him much good”).

Goatee got on the bus and then got off several blocks away from his pharmacy.

Because of city road and sidewalk construction planned by the brainless idiots who worked in the City Engineering Department, bus stops were now 6 blocks apart prior to the 2 blocks apart they used to be designed in the days when city engineers didn’t take hallucinogenic drugs in their spare time.

Goatee walked through an apartment building parking lot.

He encountered a fat ugly blimp.

He beheaded her and then sliced her up into the appropriate OCD numerical ratio.

Then two fat ugly blimps holding hands approached him.

“Why am I not surprised that two fat ugly blimps such as yourself would turn out to be a pair of lesbian blowhards?” Goatee stated as he beheaded the two uglo lesbo blimpos, “I guess no man would want you. Even those with exceptionally bad taste in women like most of the men in this city.”

The machete then sliced up the blimpo bodies into 999 trillion pieces each leaving a blood splattered less than proud Pride rainbow.

Goatee then walked several more blocks.

He noticed a woman with a constipated looking expression on her face out walking a giant sheepdog across the street.

The woman with the giant looking sheepdog then crossed the street and started following Pan Goatee.

“Why are you wearing boots in the middle of summer?” The nosy bitch asked.

“None of your fucking business, Ms. Nosy It’s Almost Brown,” Goatee shouted back before throwing his machete and beheading the overly inquisitive inquisitor.

Last summer people were complaining when he wore Bermuda shorts and showed off his hairy goats’ legs.

Now they’re complaining when he wore long boots.

“Make up your minds, morons,” Goatee expressed himself as his machete cut up the nosy bitch into 999 trillion pieces.

The machete then gave the giant sheepdog a much needed haircut and returned to Pan.

Pan picked up his meds and then walked 8 blocks to catch a bus that would go back in the direction of home.

As he raced across the street to catch a bus (which turned out in the end not to be the bus number he wanted) a repulsively fat ugly blimp got off the bus.

“Unholy crap,” Goatee cursed at the repulsively ugly blimpo, “Don’t you fat ugly blimps know that Stampede Week is over. Get back in the Not OK Corral where you belong.”

Goatee then beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Hi Pan, how are the meds working?” His psychiatrist happened to drive by in a red sports car.

“Just fine, thanks, doc,” Goatee waved at him.

The next bus that came along was the one that Pan wanted.

Later that evening, Pan walked to the neighbourhood Dollar store.

While walking through the aisles, he encountered yet another fat ugly blimp.

He beheaded the repulsively ugly looking creature and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Gees, I almost feel tempted to detonate a neutron bomb in this city,” Goatee announced in an exasperated voice.

Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping felt the same way after watching a documentary on the Calgary Stampede.

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee would like to send a Hello and a shout out to those individuals who cycle alongside deer.
As Pan notes, “It’s so much more intelligent than cycling alongside fat ugly blimps.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 22nd

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade: Beheading More Fat Ugly Blimps

July 18, 2021 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

“Why didn’t you kiss the waiter at that hotel?”

-Edward Carson, lawyer for the Marquess of Queensbury at Oscar Wilde’s first trial while cross-examining Oscar Wilde.

“Because he was too ugly.”

-Oscar Wilde under cross-examination in answer to Carson’s question at his first trial.

If Oscar Wilde was going through the DC part of his AC/DC “this door swings both ways” personality and he was alive and well and living in Calgary, Alberta, Canada today, he would not be kissing too many women as many of the women of Calgary were all quite repulsively ugly.

Many of them fat ugly blimps.

As it was, it was genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) who had the misfortune of living in Calgary who was forced to come face-to-face with these repulsively ugly hideous looking abominations.

Today as Goatee was walking to his neighbourhood shopping center and standing at a four corner intersection, he noticed a hideously fat ugly blimp standing on the other side of the intersection.

As Goatee barfed all over the place sending several motor vehicles plunging downstream to the nearby Trans-Canada Highway (closing it for several hours), he finally managed to regain his composure.

“It’s a good thing my astral laser machete acts as a boomerang,” Goatee said aloud.

He sent his astral laser machete flying across the street whereupon it promptly lopped off the fat ugly blimpo’s head.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Robespierre standing at that intersection.

The machete then returned to Pan Goatee.

The uglocidally inclined satyr then sent the machete back again whereupon it promptly cut up the fat blimpy uglo’s body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of King Henry VIII as he ate a ghostly spectral 32 ounce steak.

A couple of hours later, Pan Goatee was on his way back home from another neighbourhood shopping centre.

As he crossed the street and turned in the direction of his house, he was horrified to see a fat ugly blimp coming right at him.

The fat ugly blimp waved at him.

“What makes you think I’d wave back at someone as fat and ugly as you are?” Goatee commented as he lopped off the fat ugly blimp’s head and kicked it down a nearby sewer.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Louis Antoine de Saint-Just as he stood across the street.

Goatee then cut up the fat ugly blimp’s hideously fat ugly body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the curator of the Jack the Ripper Museum as he stood eating a hot fudge sundae at the corner.

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee:
Ridding the world of fat ugly blimps one fat ugly cow at a time.
They particularly crawl and waddle out of the woodwork during Calgary Stampede week.

. . .

Zeus (speaking to his wife Hera on Mount Olympus): I hope Pan Goatee is able to successfully bump off all the ugly women in Canada soon. I haven’t been able to visit Canada in ages.

Hera: May I remind you that the gods and goddesses of Olympus are still pissed off at Pan Goatee for lopping off the head of the goddess Hecate when she was in her ugly crone form.

Zeus: Oh, that’s right. Where was Hecate’s head buried again?

Hera: Under the central High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome on Pope Francis’ orders several years ago.

. . .

Pope Francis was talking to one of his advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper.

“Have you read the reports coming in from the Diocese of Calgary on all the ugly women being beheaded in that diocese?” Cardinal Kasper asked.

“Am I expected to apologize for that as well as what went on in the Church run Indian residential schools in Canada?” The snarky sounding Pope Francis harrumphed.

“Of course not,” Cardinal Kasper answered as he swatted away Casper the Friendly Ghost, “Although it’s interesting to note that Pan Goatee was released upon the world the same day as you were elected Pope.”

“But I’ve only had good looking athletic looking priests in their early 40s as my papal secretaries and when they get too old and unattractive, I dump them in the same way Donald Trump dumps his ex-wives,” Pope Francis protested.

“Well how about that for a coincidence?” Stated the ghost of late 19th Century British barrister Edward Carson.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 18th

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Pan Goatee Celebrates The Day After Bastille Day 2021 By Beheadings

July 15, 2021 at 10:44 pm (Aesthetics) ()

It was the day after Bastille Day 2021 and Pan Goatee walked into a pharmacy to see if they had any specials.

They didn’t.

They did however had a fat ugly blimp working whom Pan Goatee promptly beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces with his laser machete.

He then went next door to the Dollarama store where they had another fat ugly blimp working.

He did the same to her.

As he walked through the parking lot, he encountered various fat ugly blimps whom he also beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces.

He went into a grocery store and encountered another fat ugly blimp.

Off with her head!

Slice into 999 trillion pieces!

“It must be because it’s the day after Bastille Day that I’m having to do so many beheadings,” Goatee deduced as he looked at the date on his watch July 15th 2021.

The genetically created satyr serial killer then went into a Vietnamese restaurant where he ordered the beef salad spring rolls.

He ate them, paid the bill and left.

“Did you behead anybody in there?” A member of the tabloid press asked him.

“No, fortunately for them, they didn’t have any ugly people in there,” Goatee answered, “Now that I think about it, most of the fat ugly blimps in this city and particularly in this neighbourhood are all white. It shoots a very big hole into the BLM Marxist fallacy and Critical Race Theory Marxist propaganda bullshit where they’re all yacking away about “white privilege”. A race that has that many ugly women living in this city and this neighbourhood definitely isn’t privileged.”

“May I quote you on that?” The tabloid newsman whipped out a pencil and notebook.

“Of course,” Pan Goatee nodded.

At a traffic intersection, Goatee noticed a fat ugly blimp with pink hair crossing the street.

“Pink hair doesn’t make you look more beautiful,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the blimp (pink hair and all) and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Why 999 trillion?” The tabloid newsman asked as he caught up with the satyr.

“I have an obsessive compulsive disorder about the number,” Goatee answered.

And that was how Pan Goatee celebrated the day after Bastille Day 2021.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 15th

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Pan Goatee To Command U.S. Aircraft Carrier Gerald R. Ford?

June 22, 2021 at 10:40 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

U.S. President Joe Biden was sniffing the prickly needles on his cannabis pot smoking cactus plant Sweet Dementia.

“Mr. President, the aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford survived a “full ship shock trial explosion” that registered as a 3.9 magnitude earthquake about 161 kilometres off the coast of Florida,” one of his aides said.

“Is that a good thing?” Biden patted the head of his recently deceased 13-year-old German shepherd Champ who had just been stuffed by a Washington DC taxidermist.

“It is,” his aide nodded, “Oh, and another thing…”

“Champ no longer seems to hump my leg as often as he used to,” Biden noted.

“No, that’s not it, Mr. President,” his aide shook his head, “And besides it was vice-versa. No, this has to do with DARPA…”

“DARPA?” Biden was trying to recall the acronym.

“Yes, a DARPA telepathic psychic research team after staring at photos of goats and then staring at photos of Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi (they were more sexually aroused by the goats) has come up with the conclusion that genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee should be put in command of the USS Gerald R. Ford,” his aide pointed out.

“Okay,” Biden started sniffing Champ’s fur.

. . .

Meanwhile U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris was having a discussion with one of her aides.

“I think when Joe goes,” Kamala stated, “we should get the taxidermist who stuffed Champ to stuff Joe. And we can carry on this puppet regime. The American people shouldn’t be able to spot any difference between a stuffed dead Joe and the current vegetative one.”

. . .

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) entered a store.

To his horror, he saw an ugly looking woman working as the cashier.

He beheaded the uglo with his astral laser machete and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“Well so much for the thought of buying a lottery ticket,” Goatee commented, “No good luck in the air here tonight.”

He exited the store and then continued walking along the strip mall.

He walked past a Subway store.

“I should go in and buy a submarine sandwich,” Goatee thought.

Fortunately for Goatee (and for the clerk as well) the employee working in the store wasn’t ugly so Goatee bought a submarine sandwich.

He sat at some outside tables and ate his sandwich.

Goatee had just finished eating his sandwich when a really repulsive ugly looking woman walked by pushing a baby stroller.

“Egad! What an uglo! And pushing a baby stroller! Who the Hell would want to fuck that!” Goatee wondered aloud, “Possibly someone under the influence of alcohol according to the ramblings of a woke brain dead zombie who imagines seeing a Q-Anon conspirator under every bed.”

Goatee beheaded the hideous repulsive looking uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He then beheaded the kid as well because according to the genetics textbook he read last night, ugly looking kids usually have ugly parents.

He contined walking around the strip mall until he passed a coffee shop.

He thought he’d stop in and order an iced cappucino since it was an extremely hot night.

However unfortunately for Pan, a fat ugly blimp was working as the cashier.

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

As he left the coffee shop, a pair of clean cut youths wearing white shirts, black dress pants and black ties came up to him, “Have you heard the good news to be found in the Book of Mormon as preached by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?”.

“No, I haven’t,” Goatee shook his head, “And I don’t have time. Why don’t you go into that coffee shop there and preach the good news of the Book of Mormon to whoever you find in that coffee shop.”

The two young missionaries entered the coffee shop and soiled their magical mystical underwear when they discovered what lay on the floor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 22nd

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Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask

April 30, 2021 at 10:24 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing past time was killing ugly looking women- an aesthetic environmentally protecting endeavour that didn’t even rate an honourable mention in Pope Francis’ 2015 encyclical on the environment Laudato Si) was walking down a back alley.

A couple of under-aged “yutes” (the name Brooklyn lawyer Vinny had for “youths” in the courtroom in the 1992 movie My Cousin Vinny) asked Pan Goatee if he’d go in and buy them a bottle of booze in a nearby liquor store for which they’d pay him since they couldn’t buy liquor themselves being under age.

Goatee told them “No.”

He wished Sherrielock Holmes had been in the vicinity to thoroughly tomato their under-aged bottoms.

Such delinquents would undoubtedly grow up to become Members of Parliament or if they lived in the U.S., members of Congress.

As he walked down the alleyway behind the building he noticed a single car parked there which he found very suspicious.

The driver’s window was open.

Sitting there in the driver’s seat was a pathetically ugly, repulsive and absolutely hideous fat ugly blimp who was of course wearing a face mask as a symbol of loyalty and fealty to the global Coviet Union.

But the mask did little to protect the viewer from the sheer ugliness and hideousness of her fat ugly blimpiness.

“You fat ugly cow,” Goatee said to the blimp behind the mask, “This is the reason I hate spring so. All you fat ugly blimps come waddling out from under the woodwork. Ruining everybody’s day in what should be welcoming the advent of spring.”

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Blimp eating nanites from Hell then came and ate the fat ugly blimp.

The two “yutes” who had found a sucker to buy booze for them and had retreated to the back alley to start drinking it swore off liquor for the rest of their lives when the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head landed on one of the “yutes” laps.

The two yutes beat a hasty retreat before the nanites arrived to eat the fat ugly blimp’s head.

The nanites then drank the two yutes’ bottles of liquor left behind.

. . .

A U.S. Air Force officer was walking around the Air Force base near Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Suddenly he noticed a round saucer shaped object (what people usually call a UFO) descending on to the base.

The top part of the saucer opened and out stepped six t-rexes about 6 foot 6 in height (so considerably shorter than the average height Tyrannosaurus Rex of the Cretaceous period in prehistoric times).

The t-rex with the biggest and most ferocious head ate the Air Force officer.

Then that t-rex spoke in a language not known by Google Translate words to this effect, “All right find where the strategic missiles are located and you know what to do from there.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 30th

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