Krampus Takes A Paris Detour On Krampusnacht

December 5, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It was the night of Krampusnacht
and all through the house
in Austria and Bavaria
and places thereabout
The Austro-Bavarian demon/goat hybrid Krampus roamed
the son of the Norse goddess Hel and Bucca Dhu
Hel who was Loki’s daughter and the goddess ruler
of the Norse underworld in Niflheim

Bucca Dhu who was the Black Goat horned god of the winter months
in Cornish witchcraft

Hel came down from her frostbitten parts north of Thule, Hyperborea and Scandinavia
And Bucca Dhu traveled east from the Cornish coast across the wild Cornish moors and east across England and then across the channel
And northeastwards towards the Alps of Bavaria and Austria
They met
And they spent 40 days and 40 nights making out in various locales
Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, the South Tyrol region and the province of Trento in northern Italy, Slovakia and Slovenia
The product of their union was Krampus whose name is derived from the German word krampen meaning claw

Krampus is the demonic anti-Santa
The entity who punishes bad children on Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th) in the regions of Central Europe named above
Just as Saint Nicholas rewards good children on Saint Nicholas’ Night
(December 6th)
Tonight however the cosmic powers that be
Determined that Krampus must take a detour
and drag screaming down to Hell
The cougar chasing, mascara and make-up wearing, metrosexual elitist snob President of France Emmanuel Macron
For the gods and goddesses of all the ancient religions loved Paris
And thanks to Macron’s stupidity, Paris was burning
And so Macron must be punished
And the instrument of punishment: Krampus

So Krampus pushed Macron into his black sack of coal
and took him to Hell
The underworld realm of Hades
Where he was ferried across the River Styx by Charon
And then bitten in the ass by the 3-headed dog Cerberus
Kicked in the balls by Persephone the Queen of the Underworld
And barfed on by Napoleon the 1st Emperor of the French

He was then escorted to Tartarus by Krampus
While there he passed one of the waiting rooms to Tartarus
What looked to be an old schoolroom from the 1920s
Where the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes
the immortal twin sister of the great detective Sherlock Holmes
had been hired by Hades for a week to give spankings to naughty boys
prior to their entering Tartarus

She had been hired temporarily to replace the 3 Furies (Erinyes)
who had all come down with a bad case of the flu

“Yes, yes!” Cried Macron as his mascara started running
due to the heat of the nearby flames,
“I need to be spanked by Sherrielock!”

Krampus smiled sadistically and replied
in a voice more sinister than that of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld,
“No Sherrielock for you!”.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
on Krampusnacht
Wednesday December 5th
2018.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hoping to convince Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to join her in surpassing the Guinness Book of World Records world record for the most consecutive days and nights of continuously making out which is currently held by the Norse goddess Hel and the Cornish Black Goat horned god Bucca Dhu.

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Agathor Christie Meets Vampiress Isis In Paris

January 4, 2018 at 10:06 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Agathor Christie Meets Vampiress Isis In Paris

The London based private eye Agathor Christie was meeting the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in a cafe along the Champs Élysées.

Agathor had been hired by Isis to spy on her brother and brother-in-law the London based ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Normally Agathor worked on such cases with his private eye partner and associate Magog Rhys Petley but last month Magog had checked himself into a clinic in Switzerland to help him treat a peculiar ailment and malady that the former Labour MP had (he turned into a werewolf during times of the full moon and a few other occasions as well).

Agathor and Magog had opened up their private eye business last summer after both men had lost their respective parliamentary seats to members of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party (Conservative Agathor Christie had lost his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds seat to Renfield R. Renfield and Labour’s Magog Rhys Petley had been defeated by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana also known as Morgana Fay Lee in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge).

Agathor ordered a cognac while he waited for the Vampiress Isis to show up.

She entered the cafe wearing a gold evening dress.

“Your Divine Majesty,” Agathor stood up and kissed her golden gloved leather hand.

“Mr. Christie, you have news for me?” The Vampiress Isis sat down and ordered a glass of champagne.

“I do,” Agathor nodded.

“Then you’re a good detective,” Isis smiled at him, “But then seeing as how you’re the great nephew of British mystery novelist Agatha Christie, I’m not surprised.”

Agathor Christie was indeed the great nephew of Agatha Christie (albeit she was his great aunt by marriage and not by blood).

Agathor sipped his cognac.

In the meantime, Isis helped herself to some caviar.

“So, what is this news you have to tell me?” Isis asked.

“Set is trying to find the tomb of the great Egyptian queen Cleopatra,” Agathor replied.

“Really?” Isis was quite astounded at this bit of news, “Then I shall have to beat him to it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 4th
2018.

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Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

July 14, 2017 at 6:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron sat next to each other as they watched the Bastille Day parade on the Champs-Élysées.

Behind the two men, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart said to the ghost of Claude Rains, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

The previous evening Macron had taken Trump to dinner in the Jules Verne restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower with its spectacular view of Paris.

The individual Robur Pike who called himself Robur The Conquerer II sailed by in his helicopter airship The Albatross II and eavesdropped on the conversation.

When today’s parade was over, Macron took Trump back to a room in the French Presidential Palace where they continued their discussion.

Behind them (and oblivious to the two men) the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (who formerly had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus) swung on a chandelier directly above them.

The Kraken Napoleon VI’s wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgoness and her 10 million bad hair days and nights by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) stood at a table sipping champagne with U. S. First Lady Melania Trump.

Napoleon VI had run as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President in the first round French Presidential election a few months ago.

Since he had come in 12th and last place in that contest, he didn’t make it to the 2nd round which had been won by Mr. Macron.

As the Kraken swung from the chandelier above the heads of Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron, he sang his own personal paraphrased version of a popular World War I song,

Let every good fellow now join in our song,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Success to each other and pass it along,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Chorus:

Vive la, vive la
Vive l’amour.
Vive la, vive la,
vive l’amour.
Vive l’amour, vive l’amour,
Vive le Kraken eh?

A friend on your left and a friend on your right,
Vive le Kraken eh?
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Now wider and wider our circle expands,
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll sing to our comrades in far away lands
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

With friends all around us we’ll sing out our song
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll banish our troubles, it won’t take us long
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Should time or occasion compel us to part
Vive le Kraken eh?
These days shall forever enliven our heart
Vive le Kraken eh?

(At that point, the Kraken fell from the chandelier before he could sing the chorus for the final time)

The Kraken got up after falling and said crying 😭 in a Monty Python Mr. Gumby style voice, “I hit me head on the table.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 14th
2017.

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Asmodeus On Eiffel Tower In Paris

June 13, 2017 at 7:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

The demon Asmodeus stood on top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

Smoking a cigarette.

“I wonder if I flicked this cigarette,” Asmodeus reflected, “if Hitler would once again ask the question he asked that German general, Is Paris Burning?”.

He flicked the cigarette down to see.

“No,” said Asmodeus, “it will obviously take more than one cigarette.”

Still the demon had become rather fond of Paris.

So he wouldn’t buy a warehouse of cigarettes to test his newly mused theory.

Like that German general who defied Hitler, he’d spare Paris.

“Of course,” Asmodeus laughed, “other cities won’t be so lucky.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 13th
2017.

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Osiris, Isis and Pope Francis

March 25, 2017 at 3:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

“Guess who I had dinner with last night?” The Rome-based Egyptian vampire Osiris asked his wife the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis.

“With Pope Francis?” Isis dipped a silver spoon into her dish of Black Sea caviar as she sat in her apartment with a panoramic view of the Eiffel Tower.

“Oh shoot, I was hoping that would have been a surprise,” Osiris wiped the Eggs Florentine off his face as he sat in his apartment with a panoramic view of the Colosseum.

“I read about it in Renfield R. Renfield’s online newsletter,” Isis checked her iPad.

“That bastard who’s Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for our London-based evil brother Set?” Osiris spit out his freshly squeezed orange juice, “I think he must have wiretapped my phone.”

“He did,” Isis sipped her champagne, “he mentioned it in his newsletter a few weeks ago.”

“I should get an email subscription to that,” Osiris ate his toast.

“You should,” Isis put caviar on her bagel, “so how was the dinner with Pope Francis and the EU heads of state and government?”.

“It was wonderful,” Osiris’ smile was as bright as that of the Sun god Ra, “that Francis is a very ecumenical guy. He invited me to place a statue of myself in Saint Peter’s Basilica. Since last night was the eve of the 60th Anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Rome which laid the groundwork for today’s European Union, he also called on a new vision for Europe to combat the evil populism that has overtaken Europe in the wake of Brexit and Donald Trump’s U.S. victory.”

“And I hope that new vision for Europe that Pope Francis sees is an ancient Egyptian vision as conceived by us centuries ago,” Isis walked over to the window and noticed a Kraken crawling up the Eiffel Tower.

“The very same,” Osiris looked out the window and noticed an ET gray emerging out of a spaceship atop Rome’s Colosseum.

At that moment, Isis got a text message on her phone sent to her by her disembodied son Horus.

“I have become incarnate again,” Horus gave his mother Isis the cheerful news, “I will be born in 9 months time.”

“Holy cow,” Renfield who had been eavesdropping on Isis and Osiris’ conversation knocked over his glass of milk.

Amadeus Emanon who immediately started crying over the spilled milk wept, “Actually I think Horus would be a holy falcon. Hathor was the holy cow in ancient Egyptian religion.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 25th
2017.

Vampiress Isis
Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis: Hoping that the new vision for Europe will be an ancient Egyptian vision conceived millenia ago by Isis and Osiris.

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Wilkie The Cat: Paris At Night: A Poem

August 3, 2016 at 12:45 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

Wilkie was in Paris Mitzi’s hometown
The city of lights- makes people smile not frown
Wilkie stood on the Eiffel Tower
just before the Midnight hour
he was waiting for Mitzi to arrive
He was thankful that the roses he ordered were not dead but alive
This past Valentine’s Day had been quite the fiasco
and led to his iced tea being laced with Tabasco

He was certainly not going to repeat that sad fate
He looked at his watch, Mitzi was late
Then she arrived in evening gown and glass slippers
Wilkie kicked off the platform his scuba mask and flippers
He decided their respective apparel wouldn’t match
and this clothing faux pas might blow a fine catch

The scuba mask and flippers landed on a taxi below,
when the driver radioed in his report,
he was forced to give a sobriety blow

Up in the tower above the City of Lights
it was indeed the most magical of nights
Wilkie and Mitzi did kiss and dance
lighting up this town- capital of France

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday July 30th 2016

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The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

December 2, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame

After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.

Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.

She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.

The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.

Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.

Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre and helped himself to the Crown of Napoleon I.

The security guards decided not to argue with him since he was a Kraken (they had seen the Geico Insurance TV commercials where a kraken had caused havoc on a golf course).

Outside the Louvre, he strangled a bunch of Islamist terrorists who got in his way (they had not seen the Geico kraken golf course commercials since their major entertainment fare these days consisted of producing and starring in beheading videos).

When Medusa arrived in their hotel room, the Kraken was standing there holding the Imperial Crown of Napoleon I in one of his eight spiked tentacle metallic hands.

He announced he was going down to Notre Dame Cathedral to have the Monsignor there crown him Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

Medusa insisted that was fine but she had better pick up a new dress for the Coronation first.

So some 3-4 hours later and now in their 66th dress shop in Paris’ exclusive fashion district, the Kraken looked at the Rolex watch on one of his 8 tentacled arms and sighed, “I’d really like to get to Notre Dame before it closes.”

“Oh, be quiet, you big grump,” Medusa gazed in the mirror at the dress she was currently wearing, “being crowned Empress of the French is a once in a lifetime experience.”

. . .

Later in Notre Dame Cathedral, Medusa wore a beautiful gold coloured evening dress that Helen of Troy would have probably dumped Paris for and the Kraken wore his post-human Transhuman cyborg octopus test tube birthday suit since he was unable to find a tux that would fit him at the All Night Men’s Formal Wear Rental Store that they had visited.

The Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral was shocked when confronted with the sight of a Kraken wanting himself crowned Emperor Napoleon VI of France.

“I better phone my superiors for permission first,” the Monsignor said.

. . .

“The bells, the bells,” the hunchback papal assistant Quasihomo held his hands over his ears as the papal cell phone went off.

Later Quasihomo entered the papal apartment where Pope Francis was in bed reading a book called How To Look Humble and Self- Effacing In Public (Hint: Only Use A Compact Ford Or Volvo Or Similar Vehicle As Your Popemobile).

“Holy Father, the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is on the line,” Quasihomo explained, “he says that a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside the Cathedral.”

Pope Francis reached for his copy of Dogmatic Theology For Dummies, “Did you say a Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI and the former Gorgon called Medusa want themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France inside Notre Dame Cathedral ?”.

“Yes,” said Quasihomo.

“Well, who am I to judge?” said Pope Francis.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 2nd
2015.

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Heat At The Paris Climate Summit

December 1, 2015 at 8:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Heat At The Paris Climate Summit

The head of French Intelligence was watching a British TV commercial along with Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“This man ate good old fashioned British oatmeal and grew up to be Prime Minister of Great Britain…”

A photo of Sir Winston Churchill is shown on the screen.

“This man did not eat British oatmeal and grew up to be one of the world’s biggest degenerates…”

An image of Renfield R. Renfield is shown on the screen.

Announcer: Which of these two do you want your children to become?

(For more on the background of this commercial, please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/11/29/renfields-new-image/ )

“Isn’t Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set?” The head of French Intelligence asked Whitstable.

“He is,” Whitstable nodded.

“That vampire Dracula,” the Head of French Intelligence looked at a 150-year-old police mugshot of Vlad the Impaler, “didn’t he seduce a lot of mortal women back in 19th Century London?”.

“He did,” Whitstable nodded again.

“I hear now that there’s a mortal… a vampire hunter… who seduces beautiful vampiresses… he doesn’t kill them… he slays them another way… he makes wild passionate love to them and they’re never the same again,” the Head of French Intelligence reflected with a look of great admiration on his face.

“Really? I’ve never heard about that,” Whitstable picked up his copy of Everything You’ve Always Wanted To Know About Contemporary Vampire Hunters.

. . .

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis looked flushed as she sat in her purple evening dress.

Her husband Osiris had finally got his mojo back thanks to a Vatican Cardinal locating his ancient phallus in the Vatican Archives and thanks to scientific genius Dr. Cadbury Rocher carefully performing surgical reattachment on the millennia old Egyptian deity.

Last night was the first time in over 3 millennia that they had made out.

What a way to start the Paris Climate Change Conference- by heating up the night.

Still, Isis had to admit that her husband wasn’t as good a lover as a mortal that she had once made out with – a vampire hunter.

Isis’ face really flushed bright red when Dracul Van Helsing suddenly walked through the door of the Parisienne cafe she was in.

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat in her shamrock green evening dress as she plotted climate change conference strategy with Lev Tomi the head of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.

In his mortal life, Lev Tomi had been Leon Trotsky (he had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in a hospital room in Mexico City on August 21st 1940 as he lay dying of an ice-axe blow to the head).

As Lev Tomi got up to sign an autograph book for a French Trotskyite, Qonzilqointec’s face suddenly flushed bright red.

Vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had walked through the door.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 1st
2015.

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Osiris In Rome

January 31, 2015 at 5:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Osiris In Rome

The ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris had had quite an interesting time the past several millenia.

First he had been cut up into 14 pieces by his jealous brother Set.

Then he had been resurrected again by his wife and sister Isis.

But his phallus was still missing.

So then he was given a wooden phallus that with a sprinkling of a little cosmic Egyptian magic and witchcraft, he was able to use to impregnate Isis who gave birth to their son Horus.

Then the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith (who was history’s first vampire of either sex) turned the whole family into vampires.

That would have been fine if it had just been him Osiris and Isis and Horus.

Unfortunately she turned his evil brother Set into a vampire as well.

When Set staged a coup in Egypt and put one of his own disciples in as Pharaoh, Isis and Osiris fled to the kingdom of Tyre.

Osiris posed as an architect named Hiram Abiff.

While in Tyre, King Hiram sent him off to Jerusalem to build a temple for the Tyrian king’s good Israelite friend and ally King Solomon.

In the meantime, Set’s spies had discovered that Osiris was posing as a Tyrian architect named Hiram Abiff and was busy building a Temple in Jerusalem.

So Set sent three ruffians to murder Hiram Abiff.

Ostensibly to discover the secret password of a master mason- which Osiris as Hiram Abiff naturally refused to give.

Thus the three ruffians slew Hiram Abiff.

And of course once again Osiris had to be resurrected.

This time Isis resurrected Osiris using a severed lion’s paw and a magical spell used in forbidden magical practices of the ancient Israelite tribe of Dan.

She used the Lion’s Paw from the Tribe of Dan to grip the hand of Osiris’ dead body and bring his soul back from the Underworld to re-unite with his body.

The Lion’s Paw then raised Osiris up from his coffin.

“Remember one thing,” the dark arts practicing magician from the Tribe of Dan had told Isis, “the only thing that might be capable of destroying the Lion’s Paw of the Lion of the Tribe of Dan is the power of the Lion’s Paw of the Lion of Judah.”

Isis had no idea what the Danite dark arts magician was talking about and just took the Danite Lion’s Paw.

So Osiris was resurrected from the dead and went on to build the Temple of Solomon.

The Vampiress Isis slept with Solomon the night the Temple was dedicated in 953 BC.

Isis also arranged for her good friend the Phoenician Vampiress Ashtoreth to sleep with Solomon as well.

Osiris meanwhile had returned to Egypt.

He was captured by members of Set’s Imperial Bodyguard.

Set then used a black magic spell to send Osiris through a celestial gate way and portal to a planet near the star Sirius.

The black magic spell itself expired on what would be the date of December 21st 2012 on the Gregorian calendar (a fact that would affect the consciousness of the Aztec, Mayan and Hopi Indians) and Osiris could return to Earth on that date.

In the meantime, Horus plotted revenge against his uncle Set for what the evil being had done to his father.

Horus and a group of followers captured Set and, using an Egyptian black magic spell, buried Set alive in a tomb for several millenia.

The tomb was finally unsealed on November 11th, 1918 at 11:00 AM Greenwich time (the same hour the Great War Armistice came into effect).

Set escaped the tomb and eventually fled to England where he became a City of London financial and investment advisor.

He made a killing in the Wall Street markets of the 1920s.

And as a silent partner and backer of Chicago mobster Al Capone during the Prohibition era, he made even more killings.

Set acting on a tip wisely pulled his own money out of the U.S. stock market prior to the crash of October 1929.

During the 1930s, Set helped finance the rise to power of Hitler and the Nazis in Germany- a fact which led Winston Churchill to sit on opposite ends of the room from Set at their respective London clubs.

It was very fortunate for Set that, in the first post VE-Day British general election that was held in July, 1945, Clement Attlee’s Labour Party won a landslide victory.

It would have been big trouble for Set had Churchill won.

As it was, Set was one of the few big businessmen who prospered in Britain’s post-war emerging Welfare State under the leadership of Prime Minister Clement Attlee a modest man whom Churchill described as having “a lot to be modest about”.

When the British Conservatives under Sir Winston Churchill returned to power after the 1951 general election in the UK, Set by then was too powerful a figure in the British financial establishment for Churchill to mess with.

As for Osiris, he did return to Earth in a spaceship on December 21st 2012.

The interdimensional portal he entered through was located at Vancouver’s English Bay on Canada’s West Coast.

Unfortunately for him, the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was trying to use the same interdimensional portal at the same time to land on Earth.

The two spaceships Osiris One (carrying Osiris from a planet near the star Sirius) and Quetzalcoatl Too (carrying Quetzalcoatl from Saturn’s Moon Titan) had a major mid-air collision just above Vancouver’s English Bay on the night of December 21st 2012.

A Russian nuclear submarine in the waters of English Bay at the time fired a laser death ray at the two spacecraft vaporizing both craft and their occupants.

Captain Nikolai Soloviev the commander of the submarine who had fired the laser death ray later left the Russian Naval service.

Captain Soloviev (a dead ringer for the late Russian Czar Nicholas II) then got a job appearing in TV commercials for Hotels.com an on-line hotel booking agency.

Captain Soloviev played a wise-cracking smart ass captain named Captain Obvious who had a “brilliant grasp of the obvious” as Sherlock Holmes might put it and made totally obvious wise-cracking smart ass remarks in the commercials.

Now it so happened at the time of the Russian sub laser death ray attack on the two spacecraft that a Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was on the beach at Vancouver’s English Bay along with his small-scale replica working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider.

Dr. Celsius used his replica Hadron Collider to gather up the particles and atoms of the two disintegrated spaceships and their celebrity deity extraterrestrial occupants.

The Collider container and its contents of particles and atoms were then shipped to the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in the City of Lights.

Dr. Celsius was invited to oversee a team of scientists working day and night to put the particles and atoms back together again.

After working for almost 2 years with no results to show for it, Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was finally pushed to his death from the top of Notre Dame’s bell tower by the Vampiress Isis this past October 1st as a pre-Christmas bonus for his efforts.

Isis then hired the noted British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to oversee the team and see if he could put her husband Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together again.

Dr. Rocher had been working as the chief scientist for her rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

But the two had a falling out when Set suddenly slashed a vast sum of money from Dr. Rocher’s laboratory research budget in order to maintain a high profit margin for Set Enterprises for the fiscal quarter.

Isis used the falling out to hire Dr. Rocher to work for her.

Dr. Rocher was able to successfully put Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together and resurrect the vampiric deity this past Halloween.

Unfortunately for poor Osiris, he was once again resurrected sans phallus.

This naturally put a strain on Isis and Osiris’ cosmic re-union.

The two were now living separately again (though not light years apart as they had been for the past 3 millenia).

She continued to live in her luxurious penthouse apartment in Paris.

Osiris had found himself a nice little apartment in Rome, Italy with a good view of the Colosseum.

Osiris greeted the night as he flung open the tapestry curtains of his Rome apartment.

He had been told by various people when he announced that he was moving to Rome to “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

He thought though that maybe watching the sun rise above the Aventine Hill might prove somewhat hazardous to his health.

So he grabbed his brochure of Rome and wondered if there were any nighttime tours of the Sistine Chapel.

He would see for himself just what this Last Judgement of Michelangelo’s was that people were raving about.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
January 8th
to
January 28th
2015.

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Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

January 8, 2015 at 7:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked at the huge pile of bodies piling up in front of the Parisienne cafe in which he was sitting.

As they completely blocked his view to the window, he was about to ask for his cheque and leave when suddenly Renfield R. Renfield entered the cafe carrying a machine gun.

“Sorry, I took so long,” Renfield apologized, “but I had to shoot my way through a bunch of Islamist terrorists to get here.”

“Are they the ones whose bodies are piled up out there? Dr. Rocher asked.

“Yes,” Renfield wiped all the blood off his machine gun with his table napkin, “the Paris sanitation workers should be along any minute now to take away the trash unless they’re on strike again because they figure they’re still not getting a long enough coffee break to enjoy their cheese and croissant sandwiches.”

“May I get you something, Monsieur?” The waiter asked Renfield.

“Well, I already banged Julie Gayet for breakfast in my hotel room while I was on the speaker phone with Francois Hollande this morning,” Renfield tied the bloodied napkin around his neck as a bib, “so now I’ll have the toasted tuna fish and cheese sandwich.”

Renfield then discussed old times with Dr. Rocher- like creating gooey green coloured flesh-eating nanobots and then letting them loose in the bedroom of the Prince of Wales the night before he was scheduled to give a speech to a scientific conference on the threat posed to humanity by “gray gooey flesh-eating nanobots”.

“So what have you been up to these days?” Dr. Rocher asked Renfield.

“Well I just wrote a letter to Her Majesty the Queen noting that she forgot to add my name to her roll of knighthoods in her New Year’s Honours list for this year,” Renfield blew his nose into the table cloth because his napkin bib was no longer the proper colour for nose blowing in his opinion, “but I expect that situation to be rectified in the next few weeks.”

The waiter arrived with Renfield’s tuna fish and cheese sandwich.

“Excuse me,” Renfield called out after the waiter, “I asked for my tuna fish sandwich toasted not burnt.”

Renfield pulled out his machine gun and blew the waiter away to kingdom come.

The impact sent the waiter flying through the window out into the street where the Paris sanitation workers had just finished throwing the last of the Islamist terrorists’ bodies into the sanitation truck (which would have been called a garbage truck in America).

“Another one, Henri,” one of the sanitation workers called out to his partner.

“Not now, Andre,” his partner looked at his watch, “coffee break time.”

Both men sat on a street bench and took out their lunch pails which they opened and brought out bottles of cognac and several plates of cheese and croissants which they ate.

Two hours later when Renfield had talked Dr. Cadbury Rocher into returning to work for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set and the pair had then left the cafe, both sanitation workers were still sitting on the street bench eating and drinking while groups of vultures had flown down from the skies and were now feeding on the bodies in the sanitation truck and the waiter’s body still lying on the street.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 8th
2015.

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