Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.

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Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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Haiku About Perry Mason

January 15, 2015 at 8:50 pm (Entertainment, Poetry, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Perry Mason

Yes Perry Mason
in court makes mincemeat out of
Hamilton Burger

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