Magical Mystery Tour

December 18, 2019 at 11:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Magical Mystery Tour

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was putting the final touches on the genetically created pot smoking desert cactus plant that he was designing for Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Dr. Rocher had designed a previous genetically created pot smoking desert cactus plant for Canada’s Prime Minister that Justin had named Strawberry Fields Forever.

However that plant was cactusnapped by Chinese Ministry of State Security agents in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.

Strawberry Fields Forever was held in a re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of western China where he was tortured daily.

The plant was recently rescued by time travellers before it could be murdered on Xi Jinping’s orders.

It was now being held for safekeeping on the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen.

So a new pot smoking desert cactus plant was in the works for Canada’s Prime Minister.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had tentatively named the new plant Magical Mystery Tour following in the tradition of Beatles titles suggested by the name of the original plant Strawberry Fields Forever.

However Dr. Rocher did not really have much to work with.

He had a slice of an individual cactus plant that was called Sutcac and was regarded as sacred by the Hopi peoples of Arizona.

However the slice (taken by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s new head of Canadian national security Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the sheriff of the mystical pot smoking hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula) wasn’t much to work with.

So Dr. Cadbury Rocher had asked an acquaintance of his the University of London botanist Dr. Henry Glendon to provide him with slices of his own unique plant collection to help in the creation of the Magical Mystery Tour.

Dr. Henry Glendon was currently walking towards his conservatory to get slices of some of his own cactus plants.

While walking towards his conservatory, the disembodied head of a Jesuit priest with a hook nose appeared to him.

The head of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin emitted hellish flames and in the Jesuit’s eyes burned mesmerizing Hell fire.

Dr. Henry Glendon was instantly hypnotized by the Jesuit’s eyes.

A diabolical voice spoke through the Jesuit’s lips.

When Dr. Henry Glendon (under the priestly head’s hypnotic influence) went to his conservatory, rather than select slices of cactus plants, he selected slices from the following varieties:

1) The Mariphasa plant – a plant that Dr. Henry Glendon’s great uncle Dr. Wilfred Glendon had discovered in Tibet 

2) A Venus fly trap

3) Pachamama’s Flower – A flower from the Andes Mountains of Peru that was sacred to the ancient Inca earth mother goddess Pachamama

Dr. Henry Glendon then drove to the Set Enterprises’ laboratory with the plant specimen slices to give to Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

The plant would definitely be a Magical Mystery Tour indeed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th
2019.

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Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica

December 8, 2019 at 11:50 pm (Aesthetics, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was thinking about how well his guillotine boomerang invention worked.

He first tried it a couple of days ago.

The guillotine boomerang he had picked up in a 2nd hand shop and it had been sold as a definitely not rare Ernievarius violin from Australia.

The original Ernievarius violin inventor named Uncle Ernie had in fact intended the violin (made out of rubber tires) to serve as a rubber boomerang designed to be extremely user friendly (in other words idiots could use it) so that Australian white guys (who had never quite grasped both the concept and the aerodynamics of the wooden boomerang invented by Australian aborigines) could use it.

But Uncle Ernie’s rubber boomerang had in fact failed its test as a boomerang.

However it turned out to be a highly successful violin designed for those musicians who had to travel long distances in their cars and needed more than one spare tire.

Pan Goatee with his innate Greek satyr wisdom managed to turn the Ernievarius into its original purpose- that of a rubber boomerang.

He had been taking the garbage out a few days ago when he noticed an ugly looking girl walking down the other side of the street.

Goatee happened to have the guillotine boomerang (Ernievarius violin with an attached guillotine blade -also bought in a 2nd hand store- and one that had been personally autographed by Maximilien Robespierre) with him.

So Goatee hurled the guillotine boomerang at the ugly looking disgrace to humanity and cut her head off.

The guillotine boomerang came with a recorded voice- the voice of Britain’s John Cleese saying, “My God but you’re ugly”- just before it cut the ugly looking creature’s head off.

The guillotine boomerang then returned to Goatee’s medieval knight’s metallic armoured glove.

Today Goatee was out walking.

He had of course left the guillotine boomerang at home but he had brought his trusty laser astral machete with him.

He happened to walk past a bus stop where an ugly looking woman stood there with an airport suitcase at her side.

“You no doubt would be a hazard to flying,” Goatee commented as he cut her head off.

As he continued on, he hoped that other passengers and crew on that flight would write him notes of thanks for sparing them the unhappiness of an agonizing flight riding in a plane with such an uglo.

He walked around several blocks and then was walking up a path that led to both a public library and a shopping centre at the end of the trail.

He was approached by an ugly looking woman walking along the path.

“Didn’t you see that sign along the path that said NO TWO LEGGED DOGS ALLOWED! ?” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the reading comprehension challenged uglo.

As Goatee walked along, he wondered if comedian Jimmy Fallon would ever portray him Pan Goatee on Saturday Night Live since Fallon had recently portrayed Justin Trudeau making fun of Donald Trump on the legendary TV program.

. . .

Cerberus the three-headed dog of the Underworld realm of Hades was on his lunch break.

For lunch, he was eating three large king sized medium well done steaks.

The steaks were made from real beef and were not vegan plant based.

That’s because they weren’t really worried about the hazards of climate change in the Underworld since what they called global warming on the earth above had already been happening down here for several millennia.

When he had finished eating, Cerberus still had some time to kill so he went around singing a Latin language version of that old Patti Page song How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

He text messaged with audio the song performed by all 3 heads to J.K. Rowling to determine whether the Latin pronunciation and grammar was impeccable.

It turned out it was.

Cerberus happily wagged all 3 of his tails.

As he walked back to underworld sentry guard dog duty, Cerberus passed by the ghost of the late former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke.

Hawke was tied face down to a barbecue where his face had become a possible visual testimony for a commercial about the hazards of not using sunscreen while strolling across the desert.

Cerberus had recently watched a BCC News Story about how Hawke back in 1983 had told his daughter Rosslyn not to press sexual assault charges against Bill Landeryou a fellow MP in Hawke’s Australian Labour Party.

According to an affidavit Rosslyn said she had been sexually assaulted 3 times in 1983 while working in Landeryou’s office.

After the 3rd sexual assault, Rosslyn had approached her father Bob Hawke and said she wanted to go to the police to report it and press charges against Landeryou.

Hawke responded by saying, “You can’t. I can’t have any controversies right now. I am sorry but I am challenging for the leadership of the Labour Party.”

Hawke’s parliamentary colleague Bill Landeryou was likewise down in Tartarus and tied face down to a barbecue.

Every morning, noon and nighttime too, Landeryou was sodomized in the rear end by a gay Cyclops named Pansyianapolis who sported a 90 foot phallus.

As for Hawke, he was sodomized every morning, noon and nighttime too by a gay centaur sporting a 9 foot phallus.

Hawke was always told by the gay centaur not to tell anyone as this might affect the gay centaur’s chances of being elected Prime Minister of Hades.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man and detective they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking down the streets of the Eternal City of Rome.

He had been informed that people in Rome were being attacked and burnt at night by the flaming disembodied head of a silver haired Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.

Whitstable looked in the direction of the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica and there on the dome was a large visual image of the flaming head of a Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.

A group of sinister looking flying gargoyles gathered in front of the dome of Saint Peter’s and cried, “Hail Teilhard!”.

The disembodied head opened its flaming mouth and spoke, “All must worship me.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday December 8th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

August 7, 2017 at 6:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, )

Pan Goatee Continues To Battle Earth’s Aesthetic Decay

Pan Goatee was pissed.

Because the fake news media was continuing to rave about Al Gore’s new movie An Inconvenient Sequel.

Although mercifully the movie bombed at the box office winding up in 15th place.

Of course 2 years ago, Pope Francis had released his papal encyclical on climate change called Laudato Si.

The encyclical Laudato Si quoted a lot from evolutionist Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.

“What fools these mortals be,” the genetically created (and possibly immortal satyr serial killer) thought to himself.

Didn’t these apostate Popes and numerous New Agers realize that this Teilhard they admired so much was a racist who hated the Chinese and black Africans?

The real problem facing Earth was not climate change.

It was the decline of earthly aesthetics and beauty caused by the high proportion of ugly looking women on the planet particularly in North America.

Ironically Teilhardianily speaking it was Asia and Africa which still had high proportions of beautiful women while it was North America (where Teilhard had croaked and bit the proverbial paleontological dust back in 1955) which was positively crawling with 2-legged dogs, humanoid cows and flesh encased dirigible blimps.

Recently while going to a burger 🍔 bar to eat a hamburger, two fat humanoid cows walked in front of him.

He promptly cut their heads off with an astral laser machete.

Although the sight of them had already done its damage.

Pan Goatee had lost his appetite for eating a hamburger.

He promptly went to a Japanese sushi bar where the sight of lovely Japanese waitresses inspired him to eat tempura and teriyaki beef.

Then a few days ago he was heading to a juice bar to order his favourite brand of mango and coconut juice when an ugly repulsive looking flesh encased dirigible blimp walked in front of him.

He once again used his astral laser machete and promptly cut the ugly thing’s head off.

Having lost his appetite for mango and coconut juice as a result of the appearance of the Hellish DNA aberration that crossed his path, he went to a bar and downed a dozen whiskeys 🥃.

Then today while he was getting off a subway train, a two legged dog tried to get on in front of him.

The ugly thing with buck teeth and hideous looking glasses was promptly beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete.

Then when he was riding a bus later, a woman (and Pan Goatee used that term loosely) who was a hideous combination of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp was sitting on the sidewalk in front of a bus stop with her hideous elephant sized legs stretching out on to the road.

The ghastly sight caused the poor bus driver to swerve out of control and plunge the bus down a hillside where it crashed and killed everybody on board with the exception of Pan Goatee.

“Well I guess that answers that question about whether or not I’m mortal or immortal,” Pan Goatee thought to himself as he crawled out of a bus window.

He promptly walked uphill to the bus stop where he beheaded the ugly repulsive looking chimera hybrid creature of 2-legged dog, humanoid cow and flesh encased dirigible blimp with one stroke of his astral laser machete.

“And to think Teilhard talks about humanity evolving towards an Omega Point,” Pan seethed, “instead we’re devolving to an inglorious end. And the problem is aesthetic deterioration not climate change.”

But unlike Al Gore’s hypothesis, his (Pan Goatee’s) intellectually formulated observation was the Inconvenient Truth that dare not speak its name.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 7th
2017.

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Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

July 11, 2015 at 5:00 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

KRTV Channel 3 Announcer: Live from Great Falls, Montana, it’s the Russell Charlie Show and now here’s our host… Russell Charlie.

(A man wearing a 10 gallon tan cowboy hat, purple leather vest, cowboy tie, denim jeans and leather cowboy boots strolls on to the stage waving his hat and waving his hands)

Russell Charlie: Howdy y’all, ladies and gentlemen. How ya doing?

(Audience shouts in unison, “We’re great, Rusty!”. Rusty of course being Russell Charlie’s nickname)

Rusty: Today, of course, we have a special guest who’s come all the way from Washington, D.C. …

(Audience starts booing)

Rusty: Now, we must be hospitable. After all that’s the way of the Great American West. We give you food, give you drink and then we’ll plug you full of holes with our six shooters.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Washington D.C. is of course the town where rodeos go all year round… they’re always throwing the bull.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: And today our special guest from Washington D.C. is not a politician…

(Audience cheers)

Rusty: He’s a serial killer who currently works as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government… Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…Mr. Pan Goatee.

(The audience cheers, applauds and gives a standing ovation as the genetically created half-man half- goat satyr with furry goats’ legs and hooves comes on stage)

(Pan Goatee waves at the audience, gives Rusty a big hug and then sits down in one of the chairs reserved for the show’s guests)

Rusty (looking at Pan Goatee’s very furry legs): Those are quite the pair of chaps you’re wearing.

Pan Goatee (looking down with pride at his furry legs) : Thanks. They’re actually real.

Rusty: You mean to say that your legs are actually that hairy?

Pan Goatee: Yes, they are.

Rusty: Well, eat my ten gallon hat and then spit it out again. What did your mother feed you as a baby- Budweiser beer laced with testosterone?

Pan Goatee: Well according to a gypsy fortune telling reading I got in London by a gypsy fortune teller who read her crystal ball, her tarot cards, my tea leaves and my furry palms, I was not born in the regular manner. I was genetically created in a research lab somewhere in England by a sanity-challenged scientist and then I was lost shortly after my test-tube birth.

Rusty: Well, that explains everything then. Because if you had said you’d been fed by your mother with Budweiser beer laced with testosterone as a baby and furthermore if you had said you had been breast fed with that formula, I would have asked where I could get my hands on such a magnificent pair of knockers.

(Audience laughs)

Pan Goatee: No, according to the gypsy fortune teller, I was created by this sanity-challenged scientist using a combination of human DNA – which of course explains my upper body torso- goat DNA – which explains my furry legs and also hooves for feet- and yeti abominable snowman DNA- which explains my homicidal tendencies as well as my ability to astral project.

Rusty: Wow. You can actually astral project? Cool.

Pan Goatee: Yes, I can astral project.

Rusty: I tried to astral project myself once after reading one of those AMORC California Rosicrucian Order pamphlets but the furthest I got was to the outhouse.

Pan Goatee: Really?

Rusty: Yes and since my astral body didn’t really have to relieve itself, that really didn’t do me much good.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Now if I could have just made it as far as the whore house up the road, I could really have seen what my astral body might be capable of.

Pan Goatee: Tantric sex can get pretty wild when you start using your astral bodies.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Oh yes. (crosses his legs to cover up his erection as he subconsciously recalls a recent experience)

Rusty: Now I understand you appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine a month before Pope Francis did.

Pan Goatee: That’s right. I did. So stick that in your thurible incense burner and smoke it, Pope Francis.

(The audience, many of whom had invested in the oil and gas industry, applauded vigorously)

Rusty: Now I understand it was reality TV star and singer Tila Tequila who interviewed you on behalf of Rolling Stone magazine?

Pan Goatee: Yes, it was. As you know her door swings both ways and so after the interview she and I and a Japanese-American porn actress named Akira Lane had a ménage a trois in a penthouse atop a Beverly Hills hotel- the same room where they filmed the 1990 Julia Roberts-Richard Gere movie Pretty Woman.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes, unbeknownst to the three of us, that mischievous shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield from England secretly videotaped our bedroom escapades and then projected them onto a screen that Al Gore was using as a backdrop to a speech he was giving on the man-made causes of global warming.

Rusty (astounded): Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes it was probably that particular lecture that served as a major subconscious factor in Al Gore’s decision not to seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2016.

Rusty: Now in that Rolling Stone interview with Tila Tequila, you described yourself as the most intelligent serial killer in history. What led you to that conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well of course that’s something I say with all due modesty and humility. I am the most intelligent serial killer in history.

Rusty : And on what basis did you reach that humble modest conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well when you take a look at the history of serial killers and particularly look at photos of their female victims, they killed a lot of beautiful women. Of course when I was just a young pup or a young kid to be more accurate- just fresh out of the genetics lab test tube (according to my gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia’s tarot card reading of my past), I was quite young and naive. I must admit I did kill beautiful women (and beautiful men as well) when I first began my serial killing hobby which I found a lot more interesting than stamp collecting.

Rusty: And then something happened?

Pan Goatee: Yes, I had an epiphany. An epiphany of what it means to be a practitioner of the philosophy of aesthetics. The same epiphany that the Crown Prosecutor in the criminal trial of Oscar Wilde must have experienced when he asked Wilde on the witness stand why he didn’t kiss the waiter in the hotel and Oscar Wilde replied, “Because he was too ugly.”

Rusty: So what was the nature of this epiphany?

Pan Goatee: The thought came to me out of the blue while I was reading Nietzsche on the differences between Apollonian and Dionysian religion. This thought like a voice from Mount Olympus said to me, “What are you doing killing beautiful women?” There are already too little beautiful women in the world and too many ugly women. Womanhood in the 21st Century have allowed their looks to go to pot as a result of the efforts of that obnoxious bitch Oprah Winfrey in her so-called self-help and so-called self-esteem confidence building TV shows saying that ugly women should just be themselves- a more offensive piece of advice I cannot recall if I may be allowed to paraphrase that most beloved and wisest of all American letter carriers and U.S. postal employees Norman Newman.

(The audience in the Great Falls television studio gives Pan Goatee a standing ovation over his last remark)

Pan Goatee: So then I started strictly killing ugly women as a result of that Nietzchean- Apollonian- Oscar Wildean epiphany.

Rusty: And if I may quote a psychiatrist, how did that make you feel?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Wonderful.

(Audience applauds and cheers)

Pan Goatee: And thus it came to pass that I stopped killing beautiful women… and killed only ugly women… thus making me the most intelligent serial killer in history.

(He holds up his membership card in MENSA as audience applauds)

Pan Goatee: Yes, after all according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments that were erected in Elbert County, Georgia 35 years ago, the First Commandment says words to the effect that we shall not have a human population above 500 million on the planet so that we can live forever in perfect balance and harmony with nature and Mother Earth Gaia. Only when that happens will we finally have achieved Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s Omega Point.

Rusty: Chardin? Is that the French fashion designer who invented the bubble dress?

Pan Goatee: No, he was a French Jesuit priest, scientist and philosopher who thought we’d all become gods someday.

Rusty: I see. I once met a Mormon missionary who told me much the same thing.

Pan Goatee: Anyways since according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments, we’re going to have to eliminate 6.5 billion people… although personally I think we should make it 6.6 billion since I think that’s a more nifty sounding number… then why shouldn’t we include ugly women in that 6.6 billion figure? After all, ugly women… well they’re ugly . So I say get rid of them.
If we’re going to have to eliminate 6.6 billion people, there’s no reason why we can’t also beautify the planet while we’re doing so and make this earth a much more enjoyable place to live. So I say, let’s start reducing the population by getting rid of the ugly women first.

(Shouts of “Amen” and “You got it brother” and “Pastor Rick Warren should invite you to speak at Saddleback Church” are heard coming from members of the audience)

Pan Goatee: So, I say our mantra should be…

… Way hey, ho- ho
ugly women have got to go…

(Audience breaks into shouts of “Way hey, ho-ho, ugly women have got to go”)

Rusty: Well, I see the show’s producer is signaling to me from the booth that we’re out of time… so thanks for being our guest today Pan and hopefully you’ll be back soon…

Pan Goatee (smiling and enjoying the audience’s standing ovation): It’s been my pleasure, Rusty. Perhaps you’ll teach me how to fire a real western six-shooter someday since I’ve always wanted to learn ever since I saw my first John Wayne movie.

(The show’s repulsively ugly looking female producer is signaling to the guy at the control switch to turn off transmission from the studio cameras that are panning in on the cheering and standing ovation audience. But seeing as how the guy at the control switch is wearing a blindfold so he doesn’t have to look at the female producer’s ugly face, he is unable to see the signal and the transmission is not cut)

-A screenplay
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 5th
2015.

Kill all fucking ugly women!
And may they burn in Hell forever!
-Pan Goatee in his unpublished work on the environment and earth beautification
Earth and Apollonian Beauty In The Balance: Going Beyond Al Gore and Oprah Winfrey

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