Ghost of Josef Stalin On Social Networking Sites

August 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the genetically engineered Psychic Lobster was again feeling bored in his solo lobster tank in the Set Laboratories Lab outside London.

He decided he’d once again kill time through his genetically engineered ability to enter people’s dreams.

First he’d see if Renfield was asleep and dreaming.

He entered the mind of Renfield who was currently asleep and dreaming in a motel room in the U.S. state of Virginia.

Renfield was dreaming that he was in the drive-through lane at a McDonald’s restaurant.

Speaking into the drive-through intercom, Renfield said, “Lapar amai pour sex.”

He was showing off his skills at being able to speak 3 languages- Iban, French and English simultaneously.

Michelangelo shook his lobster head (and thus his antennae as well).

Renfield would always be Renfield.

Michelangelo decided he would then enter the dreams of Piers Morgan the host of CNN”s news talk show Piers Morgan Tonight.

Piers Morgan was dreaming that he was talking to the ghost of late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on his show.

Complained Stalin’s ghost, “You know as I look around at the world today, I’ve always regretted the fact that both myself and my state the U.S.S.R. kicked the bucket before the advent of Internet social networking sites.
I mean one of the drawbacks of being in control of a police state in my day was that you had to spend so much money on having a vast secret police service to spy and find out what your people were saying, doing and thinking.
These days thanks to sites like Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, people automatically post for the entire world to see what they’re saying, doing and thinking.
It would have made running a totalitarian state so much easier had these sites been around when I was busy dictating.”

To be continued.

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Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay

March 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm (Humour, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…

… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …

… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…

… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…

… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…

“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.

* * *

Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.

Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.

He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.

He had a 100% success rate.

Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.

“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.

“Great,” Renfield smiled.

He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.

“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”

The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.

By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.

By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.

Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.

By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.

Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.

* * *

“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.

* * *

As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.

“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”

* * *

To be continued.

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